Monday, December 31, 2007

2007 $tevie Awards

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen...and Happy New Year!!!

As we bring this year to a close, I'd like to reflect on the past year and the many wonderful things that have happened. This has been the longest non-leap year of my life...mostly because this time last year, I was on a booze cruise in Boston Harbor with an older lady from work, J-Dub watching fireworks go off over the skyline. It was great...and happened two hours earlier due to the time difference...but I probably spent that extra time this year waiting in the airport on my trips to Vegas twice (pre blog days), St. Louis, Memphis, New Orleans, Barcelona, Rupit, France, Florence & Rome, Naples & Sicily, back to Barcelona, and Dallas.

Tonight though, I'm here at work...but Bubbles & Foxy made it all worth while today...and I'm going to explain why. Bubbles, just by being herself...and partly because she partied a little hearty last night, has decided not to get trashed we're having a Movie Night tomorrow. She also gave me a Tarot Card reading with her new set that Brooklyn gave her for Christmas. It goes a little something like layman's terms...

Past - Eight of Swords - You seem to be restricted by your past. Decisions & situations make you feel restricted from future progression. Don't sweat the small stuff, see the big picture. Don't overanalyze.

Present - Four of Swords - Now is the time to look inward for self-reflection and self-examination (possibly for ticks). This will help you to heal and feel renewed for the coming events.

Future - Prince of Hearts - (That's right. The Prince of Hearts. You can guess how this one goes.) You are a romantic in every sense of the word. You are in love for Love itself. Many see you as a Casanova sweeping ladies off their feet and overpowering them with your charms. You are infatuated with "Comings & Goings of all kinds" (the first one, absolutely). Be in contact with feelings of young love. You are light and charming and a welcomed visitor. However, you may may be seen as a Don Juan of sort, where you would kiss and tell. (How did they know? On the real though, if you don't want me to mention stuff on the blog, I can be very discreet. Wink wink) So yeah, awesome reading, right? These cards are ten times better than that trick, Sylvia Browne.

Foxy, by saying at the workplace, "$teve, are you on break? I need some Meat." Obviously, my first thought (and therefore immediately response) was "Wow, are you in luck!!!" Also, all the ladies within earshot heard this announcement as well...and started with their wondrous comments like "Yup, $teve definitely the guy to talk to about that" or "Geez guys, wait until your shift is over" or my personal favorite, "Oooh, me next!!!" Allow me to give some background. There was a sandwich potluck tonight...and Foxy was supposed to bring the meat...but forgot (she may have a memory problem...but said she was having a bad day...which could mean anything). So, she saw me in passing...and, in her own quirky way, asked me if I could get some meat for her. She just has a problem with not thinking before she says me.

Anyway, without further ado, I present to you...the awards show that you've all been waiting for...

The 2007 Stevies

Based on something sent to my MySpace account a few weeks ago that I thought I'd hold onto until it's officially here it goes. By the way, just because you're not mentioned in the Stevies doesn't mean that I don't care about you. It's simply some stupid stuff that I threw together one night when I should've been out partying...but instead am working...for no apparent reason other than I'm a nice guy. Without further ado, this year's winners are...

DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR: Bubbles - Always there when I need a drink, makes work worth going, and always willing to watch stupid movies with me...while drinking. If she were there to hold my hair back the next morning, we'd practically be a couple.

LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend): Isaihia - Who's getting married in a few months and has been down since the 2nd grade. How many people can say that?

NEWCOMER AWARD: JJ - At the beginning of the year, she was admittedly afraid of me (somehow) but just in time for her to move away, she likes me. That's how I roll. Immediately after you start to like me, you leave the state.

HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR: Birthday party weekend in Vegas - My mom, Mr. & Mrs. Wingman, Laquesse, Filly, Rose, and myself celebrated the 26th anniversary of my birth in the traditional manner of cake, ice cream, party hats, the Ritz-Carlton, hot tubs, strippers, booze, and a little bow chicka bow wow. Best Birthday Ever!!!

LOW POINT OF THE YEAR: Drive back from Vegas with my brother and new wife in March (Their Honeymoon) - I got pulled over for speeding in Cedar City, then spent the night at a gas station in Historic Cove Fort during a blizzard, that didn't stop all night, didn't sleep a wink all night thanks to truckers & discomfort, then woke up with the morning sun, drove for three hours at about 20 MPH in the blizzard as truckers passed and tired skid on about six inches of ice under six inches of snow, then another three hours after the freeway was semi-cleaned, made it home safely just in time to make it to work for a twelve hour day. All in all, if that's the low point of my year, I'm glad to have it. I slept like a babe that night.

BEST HOLIDAY: Christmas - Most other holidays, I was at work...but I was glad to only work two days out of twelve during the Christmas season. I kind of wish that I was out partying to ring in 2008...but I'm sure there'll be parties going on when I'm outta here.

SONG FOR 2007: "American Gangster" by Jay-Z - The movie was even pretty good...but I'm glad to see Jigga coming out of retirement in a good way. The whole album is really good too. "IT'S THE ROC!!! HOLLA!!!"

MOVIE FOR 2007: Transformers - It could have been a LOT worse...and "The Departed" was last year, right?

VIDEO GAME FOR 2007: Rock Band - Obviously, I've played this a bunch in the past couple of weeks. I've probably already played it more than Madden 2008 & NBA Live 2008 combined. Mostly because of having time during the Holidays...but still great game that everybody can love to play.

TV SHOW FOR 2007: Drawn Together - The reason I got cable.

WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH: Rosie...and a bunch of chicks at work. I had a three-pound box of chocolates that I shared with my ladies. I'm such a PIMP...minus the sex...emphasis on the large hands though. That's why it's called National Single Awareness Day to me...but more on that when it rolls around here in six weeks, okay?

BEST RELATIONSHIP: Well, there was really only one...but it was still pretty awesome. Seriously? How often in one's lifetime can you have incredible sex with the little sister of someone you loathe? It's a high point of my life...not just the year.

HALLOWEEN COSTUME: Chewbacca and the Devil

RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR: Mélange at the Ritz-Carlton, New Orleans - They have this filet of beef with a creamy brenaisse sauce that is simply the lobster bisque and beignets with three different dipping sauces. Absolutely fantastic!!!

BOOK OF THE YEAR: Stephen Colbert's "I Am American (And So Can You)" - I don't read books...but I do support Steves

BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR: To invite my mom to come to Vegas with us. You rock, Mom!!! Love ya!!!

PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR: Welcoming a Nephew into the world, maybe date a little, jet set across the globe, usual...

STUPIDEST IDEA WHEN DRUNK: "Hey, I should fill out this Boyfriend Application on MySpace"

BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR: Probably doing this blog...or being the World's Coolest Uncle

BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG AWARD: I didn't name this award...but I'll give it to Terrell Owens. I just couldn't think of anybody more deserving. I hate to be mean like this...but I'm kind of glad that he's hurt. It's really awful to say...but it's been said, so there. Courtney Love, as always, is the biggest loser in this category.


  • Travel more...or at least as much
  • Find a good girl who likes me too
  • Have more sex...preferably with a woman nearby
  • Pursue another part-time job...maybe as a late night radio DJ
  • Play more basketball. I miss our times together.
  • Give more to charity & donate time, blood, plasma, sperm, hair, feces, whatever they'll take
  • Dance more...preferably with a woman nearby
  • Swear less (now that my nieces & nephews are getting spongier)
  • Should I swear off Mountain Dew or something? Like Lent?
  • Nah, maybe just eat healthier...or cook more
  • Remember JJ
  • Smack more asses (a.k.a. More forward with the opposite sex)
  • Drive my Baby more
  • Most importantly, make sure everybody out there knows how much I love & care for them

Have fun tonight...and a great 2008 everybody!!! Drive safely & drink responsibly!!! See ya next year!!! (Lame, I know...)

Sunday, December 30, 2007

New Year's Eve Eve

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Let's see…after the last entry, I went to my Aunt Missy's birthday party at Barbary Coast…but primarily watched the Patriots game as they went for a perfect regular season…and really are one of the best football teams ever assembled. I would be really surprised if they didn't win it all. The party was a lot of fun. Beverages were had (but not too much, I drank responsibly) and most of the time, my uncle & I just sat and talked about football and all the usual catching up stuff. We discussed in detail how "The Tuck" changed football forever…and maybe not for the better. Oh yeah, I don't know if I mentioned this…but my uncle's a Raiders fan. Poor guy. Just imagine a world were Tom Brady really did fumble in that fateful AFC championship. Were that the case, it would have been the Raiders going to the Super Bowl. Drew Bledsoe would have started for the Patriots the next year (and still suck) as Brady was benched as another "Flash in the Pan" or better yet, traded to the Lions while his stock was hot…where he would have been sacked eight times a game…and suffered some kind of career-ending injury as so many have in the Murder Capital of the World (I don't care what statistics say about St. Louis). Unable to play football, he is the star of the next season of "The Bachelor" instead of former Giants QB Jesse Palmer…and lives the rest of his life in media scrutiny. Meanwhile, Rich Gannon wins Super Bowl MVP. Jerry Rice heads the influx of free agents joining Oakland and its consistent fan base in the Sunshine State…and the Oakland Raiders are the dynasty, not the Patriots. Then again, that didn't happen…so then we discussed topics such as:

  • "I think the Patriots need to change their name to the Boston Patriots. New England isn't a state or a city, it's a region. It's not like you can name your team the Southwest Cardinals or the Appalachian Titans. If you're going to do that, you might as well call yourself the American Patriots…and play the American Cowboys…or the Bald Eagles. It's ridiculous…and same goes for those Golden State Warriors. You play in Oakland. The Oakland Warriors sounds more threatening anyway."

  • "Brett Favre may be old…but I have memories from the year he was drafted. Vinny Testaverde (who played his last game today) on the other hand, that guy is REALLY old. Number one pick in 1987 and still playing? Wanna know what I remember from 1987? Nap time. Doesn't his last name mean 'Green Testicle' in Spanish?"

  • "That rookie running back Adrian Peterson is so good that he plays for two different teams. I've seen it. He's setting all kinds of rookie rushing records with the Vikings…and still has enough energy to play later in the day with the Chicago Bears. I watched them play each other twice and he just changes uniforms and puts on a dreadlock wig during the commercial breaks."

(By the way, for those who don't know…there are two rookie running backs named Adrian Peterson. The one for the Bears was third string until the first two got hurt. He actually threw a touchdown pass today and had a pretty good season)

Needless to say, there was a lot of BS'ing going on as we listened to the house band Phat Daddy play covers of Rock & Roll classics as well as some originals, mostly novelty songs. The important thing was that everybody had a good time and got home safely. Big ups to Designated Drivers!!! After about two hours, I went home.

To wind down, I watched "The Brothers Solomon" starring Will Arnett & Will Forte as two brothers who grew up in Alaska with their dad, so they have no idea who to interact with women. Then, their dad (Lee Majors, by the way) goes into a coma but the doctor said that his last wish was to see a grandchild…so now the brothers make it their mission to get him a grandchild…as soon as possible. Queue hilarious antics. The movie was more of an unexpected kind of a funny…but funny nonetheless. Think of it (as the reviews indicate) as "Dumb & Dumber" meets "Knocked Up" but more quirkiness. Anyway, I'd give it a gander if you get the opportunity. I'll admit, some of you will like it, some of you will hate it. It's one of those kind of comedies. Most of you that'll hate it…will be women.

This morning, I downloaded more of my vast & extensive CD collection onto my new iPod…and I have about a thousand songs on there right now…with maybe a third of my collection on there. One of the coolest things about it is going through CDs that I haven't listened to in a while (because I really only listen to them in my car…and only put a few in there at a time…when I think about it). For example, I don't know what it is…but I really like the Statler Brothers. Most of you probably have only heard "Flowers on the Wall" because it was in Pulp Fiction…but their music always seems to put a smile on my face. I also ran into my first CD. Any guesses as to what it is? Place your bets. Ready? My first CD that was given to me on Christmas…was Hootie & the Blowfish "Cracked Rear View". The first CD that I ever bought…was Bush's "Sixteen Stone." Yeah, it was a while since I had heard either of them. Now, I'll have all these songs readily available on a whim to put on my car radio at any time. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm sure you all have similar guilty pleasures…and I'd love to hear about some of them. By the way, the picture on the side came up when I put in iPod...and it looked great to me. No further explanation is needed.

Am I the only one semi-excited about the new "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles" TV series coming out in a few weeks? Fox may be looking for a big budget series to get some attention and using a well-established icon like the Terminator trilogy is definitely a good option…but the reason that I'm so excited about it…is that Summer Glau is the Terminator robot sent back to help. She played River on the "Firefly" series…and yes, she's hot…but she was also born exactly one year after I was conceived…and in the city of San Antonio (huge Spurs fan since I was eight)…and is an accomplished ballerina (flexibility is never ever overrated). I think that if we ever met, we would totally hit it off…but we'll see if that ever happens. Where was I? Oh yeah, so robots, time travel, guns, ballerinas, and even Queen Gorgo of 300 (Lena Headey) as Sarah Connor. It could be cool. We shall see. So again, am I the only one excited? I haven't heard much from anybody else.

Fortune Cookie for the Day - "Others find your charm irresistible…in bed." - It's true. I am a fairly charming fellow according to popular opinion…and in bed, I've been told the same. Mostly because I'm fairly unpredictable…a bit zany…and I'm always looking for the smiles. Maybe that's why this blog gets over a hundred hits a day. Do you guys (and hopefully gals) think I'm charming? At least entertaining? Validate me please.

Other than that, I really don't have much to talk about tonight…and I've already talked entirely too much about football…so maybe I'll do my last movie list for the year. Why not? So here it goes…

Dark Comedies - Now, these movies may not really be dark comedies per se…but they are movies that I'll watch…and laugh hysterically throughout…but not in the Jim Carrey kind of way. You know what I mean, right? Oh…and I eliminated Quentin Tarantino from the competition because he'd take all the spots except the Flush It…but it's my blog…so I can do that.

Medal Winners

Gold - Fight Club (1999) - For those of you who haven't seen this movie for one reason or another, you should check it out…even if it's Rated R and against your belief system. God would understand. Believe me. It's a very satirical view on modern commercialism and cult behavior…told through the eyes of an average Joe (Edward Norton) who meets a free-spirited eccentric (Brad Pitt) and they have a wonderful adventure together that ends in worldwide acts of commercial terrorism. Trust me, you WILL enjoy this movie. I don't care if you find every scene hilarious…or don't get half the jokes the first time through…at the very least you'll laugh when Helena Bonham Carter says, "I haven't been f**ked like that since grade school." (Fun little tidbit, originally in the book, that line was supposed to be "I want you to be the father of my abortion" but the studio thought it would be too controversial for some reason) Go check this movie out. If you don't like it, I'll cook you dinner. Deal?

Silver - Thank You for Smoking (2005) - Nick Naylor (Aaron Eckhart) is the ultimate PR guy for Big Tobacco, but while he's trying to BS his way past clinical studies and lobbyists, he's also trying to be a good role model for his son (Cameron Bright, the creepy kid from "Ultraviolet"). It's just great comedy all around with David Koechner, J.K. Simmons, Maria Bello, William H. Macy, Katie Holmes, Rob Lowe, Sam Elliott, Adam Brody, even Robert Duvall is in this movie. For anybody who smokes…or knows somebody who smokes…or knows anybody that likes to BS for a living (Note: I BS for a living) you should check this movie out at least once. You won't regret it. I guarantee it. Would I give it a Silver Medal if I didn't truly think so?

Bronze - Boondock Saints (1999) - Okay, this movie REALLY doesn't qualify officially as a Dark Comedy…but I still laugh while watching it hysterically. I think it's supposed to be a badass shoot-em-up movie starring Sean Patrick Flanery & Norman Reedus as Irish fraternal twins who assassinate some of the evil men of Boston while being tracked down by the FBI (the always creepy Willem Dafoe heading the investigation). The evil men of Boston retaliate by sending the legendary Il Duce (Billy Connolly) after them. There's a lot of guns and a lot of laughs. I've also been told by several ladies that the lead actors are kind of cute…in a belligerent Irish kind of way. I don't know what they meant by that exactly…because they weren't redheads…but whatever. Just forwarding information to you as always.

Suggestion - American Psycho (2000) - A wealthy New York investment banking executive hides his alternate psychopathic ego from his co-workers and friends as he escalates deeper into his illogical, gratuitous fantasies. Based on the book by Bret Easton Ellis and directed by Mary Harron ("The Notorious Bettie Page") and starring Christian Bale in the lead role, I've talked about this movie before…and I find it hilarious and disturbing at the same time. There's also great performances by Willem Dafoe (again as a detective), Reese Witherspoon, and others…but yeah, you should probably check it out…the extended director's cut. Yes, I'll let you borrow it as long as you promise to return it…but don't see the sequel with Mila Kunis & William Shatner. Needless to say, the sequel sucks.

Flush It - Crash (2004) - Okay, allow me to explain. I was having a little trouble thinking of a bad dark comedy…because if a movie isn't funny, I will naturally eliminate it from the comedy genre. So I went to IMDB to look at a list of dark comedies…and near the top was the Best Picture for 2004, Crash…which is a great movie with an incredible ensemble cast that looks at racism from many different perspectives…but to call it a dark comedy…is just not funny at all. This is a dramedy by a streeeeetch of the imagination…but not funny at all. I think that everybody might wanna check out this movie…but if you're looking for a laugh…look elsewhere. Watch one of the other four previously mentioned movies. If you do watch this one, then be prepared for a bit of an emotional rollercoaster in quite the opposite direction. I mean...I know you're not supposed to judge a book (or movie) by its cover...but LOOK AT THE COVER!!! Something tells me that it's not going to be a laugh riot.

Have a great evening…and be sure to stop by my blog some time early in the year 2008…for tomorrow night (since I'll be working instead of getting spit-faced) I will be presenting various awards known as the Stevies. Stay tuned.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Happy Birthday Missy!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, to start off, Movie Night on Thursday was a success. My guests included such return members as the Mad Scientist and well as a newcomer, the Mad Scientist's girlfriend, From Russia With Love. While waiting for others to show up, we chat-chitted about whatever...and had a few premium malt beverages and other various concoctions. Then, we decided to watch the time traveling classic, "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure" which was the movie that made one of its stars an international-known celebrity. Of course, I'm talking about Alex Winter who played Bill S. Preston, esq. Now, many of you have probably already seen this movie...and have long since banished it from your memory. However, I feel that it's always good to watch...when you want to watch a silly, absurd movie...and then think to yourself, "Wow!!! That Ted "Theodore" Logan is going to be a HUGE star someday." Some of us asked questions about the continuity of the story...but then it always broke down to "Okay, the time traveling telephone booth and the future based on the music of Wyld Stallyns is acceptable...but the expert lighting and soundtrack on the final report? Now that's just too much...and why did Beethoven get thrown in jail for playing the piano in a mall? Wouldn't they figure out that he's deaf?" Anyway, good times were had by all...and we all made it home safely afterwards.

Yesterday, I went down to my brother's so that he, his wife, and I could FINALLY (after three long days) go see "Alien vs. Predator: Requiem" and it didn't disappoint. Yes, there was green and red blood splattered every which way. Yes, there was also enough swearing to make it a fully-fledged rated R movie. Yes, there was badass weaponry. Yes, there was a completely unneeded human subplot set in Gunnison, Colorado...including a love interest and various other dramas. Yes, there was only one Predator. Yes, there were a LOT of people who couldn't hear hissing a few inches from their head until it was too late. It was worth every penny...even though I think minus the previews, it was only about eighty minutes long. Also, why does it always seem to rain when the Aliens or a Predator are somewhere? They were in Colorado, should it have been snowing? This thing must have been filmed in Portland or something. Anyway, good scary flick. Take your girlfriend out to see it. Trust me, they'll like all the same parts that I did...especially how the love interest turns out.

Speaking of the previews, I saw previews for this new movie "Cloverfield" that's coming out. You know, the one that looks like a mix of Godzilla and the Blair Witch Project? I was a little intrigued by the idea...until I realized that there would be entirely too much character development for the first forty minutes or so...and all done by home video. However, I was willing to look past that...until I saw on a preview...what appeared to be the silhouette of a Ninja Turtle attacking somebody behind a well-lit sheet. Now, frankly I don't care what threw the head of the Statue of Liberty. Sure I may rent it...but if I find out the Shredder is behind it, I'm gonna ask for my money back. Anyway, if one of you happen to see it, let me know if it's worth my wild. "Jumper" looked like it might be pretty cool.

After the movie, I hung out with my brother and his family for the night. We played Rock Band (of course) and got inducted into the Hall of Fame. Thank you. Thank you. You're too kind. We also played the game that I bought my brother for Christmas, "Kane & Lynch: Dead Men" which is about bank robbers (remember, the occupation my brother & I would do if we weren't so easily identifiable in a lineup). It was a lot of fun...but I'm not the best at those first-person shooter games. I held my own...but it got really frustrating. Apparently, the average baddie can take two shotgun blasts to the face...and still fire back...and there's a lot of baddies. Anyway, it was pretty cool.

We also watched "Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix" (sister-in-law was prego bitchy) but when we turned it on...she wasn't paying my brother & I made wiseass remarks about it...because we can. Then, after a horrible night's sleep on the sofabed, we woke up and Kairi was still feeling sick...and therefore cried a lot...but we got her to calm down somewhat. She's such a I'm sure you've all seen. Let's see, I also met my brother's new neighbor who introduced himself as "Harry, you know, like Harry Nuts or Harry Balls. Bet you won't forget my name now." He's probably right. I'm a little surprised he didn't go for the Potter reference. He seemed like a cool kid but just stopped by for a moment to tell my brother that he was going out of town for a few days.

Oh yeah, they also got new ultrasounds of my nephew the other day...and he looks like he could be related to me. He's gonna be huge...and he already looks like the ladies are just going to love him. Unfortunately, I don't have digital copies...but trust me, when I get pictures, they'll be passed along to you. In the meantime, they also finally got that Baby Wet & Wiggles male doll...and here's what you've ALL been waiting for. What all the hubbub was about for these normally completely average dolls that'll pee in your face if you don't watch them. Ladies & Gentlemen...made in China...

On that note, I'm going to wish you all a good day...and feel free to stop by my Aunt Missy's birthday party at Barbary Coast tonight. It's going to rock!!! Have a safe & groovy night.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Kooky Dreams & Christian Bale

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

To start off this entry, I'm going to share with you a kooky dream that I had last night. So be forewarned. It started when I hopped in my dad's truck for "it's last great ride" down to Vegas. By the way, I kinda looked like Adam Sanborn from "Hot Rod" for some reason. Anyway, then there a quick montage of me in Vegas (in a suit) at the craps table, roulette wheel, strip club, hotel room party, all surrounded by beautiful women, then I groggingly drive back home and I glanced down at the speedometer as the truck jostles and smoke come from under the hood. There's a light that comes on that says "Out of Coolant" so I pop the hood and go check it out. I'm on a dirt road in a corn field. The hood didn't pop, so I walk back to the driver side door, and there's a pink & baby blue octopus with big eyes on the side screeching and throwing wrenches and various tools. So how do I react? Hit a high note like an opera singer, causing the octopus to rise up, then it stops screeching...and it goes back into the glove compartment. I know, wowzers, right?

So I need some coolant and I head back to the closest town, which oddly enough is about ten yards behind the truck. Convenient. I walk into the first store and there's a ten-year old kid behind the counter. "Sup buddy? Do you have any antifreeze?" "Yeah, but I can't sell you any." "Well, is there somebody here that can? Is your mom or dad or somebody here?" "Yeah." Silence. "Okay, do you know where they are?" "No." Silence. "Okay, so..." Then a long-haired hippie guy walks by, so I ask him, "Excuse me, sir. Is this your store?" "No, it's my brother's." "Would I be able to buy this bottle of antifreeze from you...and you could tell him about it?" "Sorry man, can't do it."

So I say funk it and head to the next store...which is apparently a modern art gallery...with antifreeze in the window. I walk in...and there's these bottles of antifreeze pouring out of many holes in the bottles and into other bottles, doing the same thing into a little koi pond. "Excuse me. Your bottles here are leaking. Do you have any ones that I could buy?" "Of course, this display is going for $50,000." "Yeah, good luck with that. I mean a gallon of antifreeze to put in my car...or perhaps the whereabouts of the owners of the gas station next door?" "Taw taw, this is an art gallery sir. I suggest you get some culture." "Can Culture keep my truck from overheating? How's that Arts degree paying the bills? No? Make sure to take one of these koi home for dinner tonight. Toodles." From behind me, "$teve, is that you?"

It was an old teacher of mine (not the same one from this dream, but from college) and she's a very short, round Japanese woman barely able to get her head over the counter, which is next to some weird pyramidic fishbowls with fish that won't move...and similar cages with cats in them. "Hey, how's it going?" "Good. So you need some antifreeze?" "Yes, do you know where I can get some?" From the side, "I do." Standing there was Graham Greene, the Indian guy from "Dances with Wolves" & "Maverick" but not in traditional garb, just standard clothes. "Graham, is that you? How you been man?" Then he goes into this old girlfriend that he used to have back in Slick City (apparently he moved out there...wherever it was after they broke up...oh yeah, and we were old friends...despite being about 50 years difference in age) so I try to convince him to come back with me...and we can settle this thing one and for all. Talk to her, confess his love, whatever...I'm just getting out of this town and he can come with me. So he says yeah, we put some antifreeze under the hood...and the octopus comes back screeching and throwing tools...then I wake up. WTF?

Speaking of random silly stuff, I like to end phone conversations with random stupid stuff. It makes me laugh. I think it started when my buddy Isaihia & I would go to Wal-Mart with my brother. While he's getting diapers and all that stuff, my buddy & I would try to make eachother laugh...and passerbys uncomfortable by saying random things like "Why do you never look me in the eyes when we make love?" "We've been over this. You're not an acrobat and there's no mirror in your kitchen" as some scruffy dude would walk past us in the cereal aisle. The first person to crack up...lost. Last I checked, I held a slight edge...but it's always a fun we both win. You get points for the more people you get to look at you...and my strategy is to get families of five when I can. We also like to speak to eachother in a gibberish language that usually either sounds Eastern European or some African dialect depending on who starts the conversation...and we usually know what the other is talking about and like to point at people, talk gibberish to eachother, and then laugh wholeheartedly.

So now, unless I'm on the phone with my boss or something (She's calls me late at night to discuss new promotions. I may press charges some day...but I appreciate the attention now.) then I'll occasionally end the conversation with something like "Okay, have a good night. Monkeys stole my Ferrari." Click. Stuff like it can turn a checkup call with your bank into the knowledge that you just made somebody stop and think for a second, "Did he just say something about Monkeys?" Anyway, it makes me happy...and that's what counts.

So the other day, I watched "American Psycho 2" starring Mila Kunis and William Shatner. Wait for it...don't jump to the conclusion that it's a horrible movie just because Captain Kirk & that irritating hot chick from That 70's Show are the stars. That being said, yeah, it was a pretty horrible movie, which is a bold thing for me to say...because I love Pootie Tang. The first "American Psycho" movie (and I'm told, the book) are about a Wall Street type who is a little crazy and kills people while rambling about 80's music...which is even better than it sounds. This straight-to-DVD sequel is about a twelve-year old girl who kills Patrick Bateman (star of first) and dreams of becoming the top FBI serial killer profiler her whole life. She gets into college...and Shatner is her teacher. She has some competition at being the top she kills them...and it goes from there...and her ramblings are about...well, nothing...less than the nothing that my ramblings are about. Please, don't waste your time on this movie. That being said, watch the original "American Psycho" with Christian Bale.

Speaking of Christian Bale, apparently he's going to be in the next Terminator Trilogy as John Connor (I wonder if Eddie Furlong looks anything like Christian Bale nowadays) but won't be the main character. Instead, there's this "Riddick-esque" character named Marcus that'll be the main action star. Now, I'm glad that there are going to be more futuristic action movie with robots (if not RoboPandas) but the description as a "Riddick-esque" character strikes fear into my heart that Vin Diesel may play Marcus. Let us hope that this doesn't happen. Maybe he can picket and get Gerard Butler to be Marcus. "RUBBLIANS (people that live in the city of Rubble?), THE ROBOTS ARE AMONG US!!! BUT WE WILL NOT GO...WITHOUT A FIGHT!!! GRAB YOUR SHIELDS!!!" "Marcus, we don't have shields." "WHAAT???" "WE DON'T HAVE SHIELDS. WE HAVE GUNS." "OH YEAH, THEN GET YOUR GUNS!!! TONIGHT, WE DINE...IN HELL!!!" "That's not very reassuring." "WHAAAT???" It could be awesome.

New Dark Knight Trailer - Here's a new trailer with some actual movie shots with Christian Bale as Batman, Heath Ledger as the Joker, Maggie Gyllenhall as Bruce's Ladyfriend for the movie, and I think I saw Sir Gary Oldman as commissioner Gordon for a frame or two...but still no Aaron Eckhart as Two-Face or the rumored Cillian Murphy as Scarecrow again. Anyway, check it out.

Potterhead Fix - Here's a fun little ditty for all you Harry Potter fans out there. Enjoy!!!

Movie Night Tonight - "Witches of Eastwick" will be featured and drink will be had. Let me know if you're interested. There's also the party on Saturday for my Aunt Missy's birthday. Anyway, that should do it for the day. More tomorrow...or whenever. Hopefully we'll get to see "AVP: Requiem" tomorrow...but we'll see. I still prefer the Alienator name to the Predalien that they keep calling it...but whatever. Have a great day everybody!!!

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Happy Birthday Jesus!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Little did I know that as I was blogging on Christmas Eve, a fairly substantial snowfall was befalling (I know it's not proper grammar or context…and I don't care) outside my window. After excavating my car from its frozen burial, I took to the streets to make my way to my step-grandparents' house for the Christmas Eve party. Unfortunately, it appeared the snow was falling too quickly for the plows to clear off even the major routes such as State Street here in Slick City. About ten minutes (and half a mile) into my journey, I found myself surrounded on all sides by either motorists whose cars had slid into awkward positions and couldn't move, were sideswiped by other sliding automobiles, or simply had jerkasses behind the steering wheels (SUVs & 4x4s mostly). So after being stuck there for about 30 minutes, I made the call to let my family know that I would be spending Christmas Eve alone at my house because I didn't want to risk injury…and I was going to see them in the morning anyway, so it was all good, right? Yeah, I felt like crap for doing it…but that's what I keep telling myself, it was for the best. Not the first time that I've done it…and probably won't be the last.

So for Christmas Eve, I decided that I would watch a heartwarming tale…and there were plenty on the television this night…but instead I started with a curveball. I decided that I would FINALLY watch "Stardust" with Claire Danes, Robert DeNiro, and the always lovely Michelle Pfeiffer. It was actually a very cute film about true love, fantasy, imagination, dreams, and all that hogwash. I thoroughly enjoyed it, especially the parts with Michelle Pfeiffer. Now, I realize that she was supposed to be an evil witch and throughout the movie she gets uglier and uglier…but I started to realize…that it probably took 4-5 hours of makeup to make her even semi-hideous. The woman is absolutely gorgeous. Anyway, it's a great flick…and if you don't see it for anything else, there's a scene where Robert DeNiro prances around…and he's supposed to be a pirate, Captain Shakespeare. It's even more unsettling than that scene from "Analyze That" where he sings West Side Story tunes. I'm sure he was financially compensated for his actions. Possibly the greatest actor of our time, ladies & gentlemen - Bobby DeNiro.

After that, I did some last minute wrapping and made sure that I had everything ready for Jesus' Birthday Party (you know, in case he decided to show up this year) the next day while 'watching' "A Christmas Story" in the background. It's a classic, of course…and I still laugh when I hear the father say, "Fra-jee-lee, it must be Italian." "I think it says fragile, dear." I believe that just about everybody likes this movie because they can draw at least some comparisons to their own life. Whether it's the father, the mother's Christmas spirit, the annoying little brother, the dream present as a kid, friends at school doing stupid stuff like sticking their tongue to a flagpole, all of the above, it's just a nice stroll down Memory Lane for most people. That's why it's a classic. It still happens without fail that my brother & I will be walking through Wal-Mart and we'll meander by the sporting goods section and he'll see a paintball gun that strikes his interest. "Dude, you should totally get me this for Christmas." "You'll shoot your eye out, kid." Classic…because it never gets old.

The next morning, as I showered, I wondered if the city had cleaned the streets a little better…and I was a little worried about other people making it home safely last night (even after text messages and calls to check). However, when I stepped outside and saw the street in front of my house fairly clean, I was relieved that the major streets would be even better. I loaded up my sleigh with presents and set out for my dad's Christmas party first, here in Slick City. My dad, stepmom, brother, sister-in-law, Kairi, and my stepsister Amber & her son Canon were there. I don't think that I've mentioned my stepsister before on this blog…and if I had, it was a long, long time ago…but she's probably the greatest single mom that I know…and my nephew Canon is a great kid who just started kindergarten. Now, I figured that you'd expect me to say that he's a great kid…but he really is. Well-behaved, good-mannered, sweet, thoughtful, loving, and of course does all the usual kid stuff…like getting super-excited about Christmas and his family. My hat's off to Amber for all the great child rearing that she has done…and frankly, all by herself. (The baby daddy's a Maxi-douche Extreme) Anyway, here are some pictures…

This is my stepsister. She rocks!!!

Here she is with my niece Kairi and nephew Canon

Canon in his Firefighter's Helmet

I think this is THE look that everybody goes for with gifts

Kairi & matching Teddy Bear

My dad is built Ford Tough!!!

That being said, he requires daily maintenance, leaks

fluids constantly, has a mangled driveline, tweeked axles,

and could use a new paint job...but he'll get the job done.

My stepmom and a new sweater from her alma

mater...where she was also a cheerleader!!!

Does anyone else think it's odd that

even my present has an erection?

After a wonderful hearty breakfast prepared by my stepmom, my brother's family & I headed to his house for my mom's Christmas party. After some drama with Kelaudri's baby daddy (also a Maxi-douche Extreme), she joined us there along with my mom and stepdad. By the way, it seemed that at both parties that the only two people who weren't ill…were my brother & me. Everybody else had a bug or sniffles or the flu or something…but we were unscathed. Hopefully it stays that way. Anyway, here are some pictures…


Kairi & Kelaudri opening presents

Ashley & her new Tink blankie

Anyway, so here's a tally list of the great gifts that I got for Christmas from my loving friends & family. This is not a complete list…but as many as I could remember with a sketchy memory:

  • Jesus Action Figure - Thank you Mad Scientist!!!

  • Various Cookies, Candies, and Cakes

  • Asian Cookware Set - Wok, plates, chopsticks, etc. all with the expressed intent of me using them to cook for ladies. Always willing when they show up, guys. Now I can wok out with my...clock out. You know, to make sure I don't overcook. Thanks Dad & Stepmom!!!

  • Spaghetti Cookware set - Basically for the same thing. Thanks Aunt Pat!!!

  • 80 GB iPod - Thank you mommy!!!

  • The Simpsons Movie - Thanks bro!!!

  • Chia Bart (and a bottle of Schmerschmodka) - Thanks Bubbles!!!

  • Self-setting Alarm Clock - Thanks Step-grandparents!!!

  • Boxers that say "Blogworthy" all over them, Boxers that have a joystick in the front, and a Shirt that reads "Good Pirates Get More Booty!!!" - Thanks mom…again!!!

  • Cool artistic ceramic pot - Thanks Filly!!!

This year's Present of the Year, I think you would all agree on…because it's cool, a complete surprise, and quite possibly the perfect gift…because I didn't even know that it EXISTED!!! Big ups to my mom…for the RoboPanda!!!

I seem to remember months ago, having a conversation with my mom about her wanting me to have a pet (she feared I was lonely) and telling her that pets weren't allowed in my apartment. So I guess this was her alternative. An interactive cyborg that senses your presence, tells jokes (probably clean, lame, kiddy jokes) and stories (probably involving pandas in a non-perverted sense), and you can teach it to talk…apparently, it's like a giant Furby…and even has a little stuffed baby panda that it interacts with. Of course, I'm already thinking about teaching it to act…so that it can star in my sequel to the worldwide sensation "Panda Porn" entitled "The Sperminator" about a Robotic Panda sent back through time to save his species from extinction…by well, you can guess from here. Anyway, awesome gift!!! All of them are awesome gifts!!! I am truly blessed to have such great homies & loved ones out there!!! Thanks guys!!! Love y'all madly!!!

Well, because of everybody being ill, we weren't able to check out the newly released "Alien vs. Predator: Requiem" but we do have plans to hopefully see it this weekend. Instead we stuck around the house and checked out some of my brother's new games like "Assassin's Creed" which was really cool. He also got "Rock Band" so we can rock out from an hour's drive away now. If any of you want to jam with us and have Rock Band, let me know and we can jam. I also got to play with the nieces and have a good old time…until they started feeling sick later in the day (they were ill before) and Kairi blasted me with projectile vomit. It's a good thing she's cute…so I didn't rub her nose in it. After that, it was a perilous drive home.

Now, I would like to commend the State of Utah and the city of Slick for cleaning the majority of their roads in a timely manner. However, the city of Ogden…can suck my candy cane when it comes to this facet of civil service. More than 24 hours from when the snow stopped, NOTHING was done to major avenues such as Harrison Boulevard…so now it was a wonderful skating rink for motorists. I nearly got into a wreck, because being at the base of the Rockies, there are some steep roads (and horrible drivers) and there was a truck passing me on the left…and a car about a quarter-mile in front of me that we saw suddenly turn to its side (my guess, unintentionally), so we start tapping our breaks to slow down from the 20 MPH that we're going. It's not really effective for either of us. I'm totally slipping..instinct kicks in, pull to the side to get some snow on the right side of you to help slow you down. I edge slowly towards the side, the snow helps slow down…the front right side, not the back, so now I'm jack knifing a bit. The truck is slowing down…and I'm already thinking of the back side of my car rear ending his truck full of gifts. I turn back into the slide, straighten out a bit, stop. It's about three feet from the truck…and the original turned vehicle is about five meters in front of us chuck full of kids and presents. Luckily, no traffic behind us. The front car straightens out. We all drive off. As soon as we hit US-89 (cleaned by the state) the road was fine and the drive home was spectacular. Again, big ups to UDOT. City of Ogden can suckiteasy. Then I started setting up my new gifts, checked out online Rock Band with my brother, and slept like a baby.

All and all, I'd say that it was a great Christmas Day. I spent time with my loved ones, made out with a major stash of cool stuff, and I even have IOU's for new clothes (Special order because they don't call me Daddy Long Legs for nothing). Again, thank you to everybody out there for being awesome!!! Merry Christmas!!! And a Happy New Year…in a few days!!! Also, remember that Movie Night is Thursday if you're interested (I'm thinking "Witches of Eastwick" will be one of the movies) and my Aunt Missy's Birthday Bash is Saturday Night!!! Come on, come all. Have a great night…and Happy Boxing Day to all my fans in the Commonwealth!!!

Where should I go next?