Part 6 - Welcome Back Kooter

Ola Senors y Senoritas,

Welcome back to Barcelona with Pat, my grandma, & myself. There's so many things that have gone in my personal life since I came back from vacation including spending time with the family, traveling across Utah to exchange my brother's new television, my first warning from a police office as opposed to a ticket, Box Girl may come to Movie Night this week, Dallas is three days away, my lip-gloss is bangin', I've seen a few movies, and I can't believe that 2007 is so close to being over already. However, I need to finish with my Rational Baboon's European Vacation…and then tomorrow I can start updating on my world…and the world around me.

Day 13 - Back in Barcelona

We woke up early to get some breakfast before being kicked off the cruise ship and rather than deal with unpacking all my stuff, I decided to go Guerilla style (or is it Gorilla style?) and spend the first few hours of the day in my clothes from the day before. Seriously? Who was I trying to impress? There was not one single girl on that boat between the ages of 14 and 60. Nothing but serious jailbait and elderly widows…and I wasn't looking for a sugar mama this trip. (Laughing to myself) Thinking about serious jailbait reminds me of a conversation I had with an ex-girlfriend while we were both lying in our own lustful juices sighing.

Girlfriend: "What do you think about kids?"

$teve: "Kids are cool. I like them, they like me. They usually grow up to be a pain though. Wait…do you mean the movie 'Kids'? About teenagers with HIV? Is there something that you want to tell me? Can I see some ID?" Luckily she meant the former…so we laughed hysterically. Damn, I get distracted too easily…

We took the hotel van but arrived around 9 AM so one of our rooms at the Renaissance Barcelona Airport wasn't ready yet. My king bedded room was though…so we put our stuff in there. The room seemed about half the size of the room from a week earlier. Oh well, it was a room…with a king bed…so the three of us chilled in this room and passed the time a little by watching Judge Judy on Larry King Live. How is she a judge? Sure, on the show she was really calm and explains herself well…but on the show, yeah the plaintiff & defendant are usually retarded, but that doesn't mean that you're allowed to be Judge Sandy Vagina to EVERYBODY. Not only is she a judge…but she's RICH!!! Borderline wealthy. Oh well, do what you do playette. You've allegedly earned it.

Around noon, we took a cab back to Las Ramblas for some souvenir shopping…and I had one destination that I had to see before I went back…but more on that later. Lunch was at a café called Naria and I had the Quattro stagioni pizza with ham, mushrooms, and artichokes. It was pretty good. Over the next four hours, I helped the ladies do their shopping (basically kept them from getting lost forever because they lack a sense of direction). I also found a few nice fans with flamenco dancers or city buildings on them for some of the ladies back home. "Here you go…for being my biggest fan." "Ah $teve, this is beautiful. I'm so glad you're back." It's why I do what I do, y'all.

We found the store were Mr. T gets his bling

On that note, I left the ladies for about a half-hour while they had coffee to check out Museu d'la Erotica. Now, I know what you're thinking…but I was really interested in seeing this place since it came up in my research months earlier…and several people wanted their souvenirs from there (but they only had T-shirts that were 20 Euro and had the basic logo, nothing awesome). It was a historical look at erotica from ancient civilizations all over the world to Playboy to present day. There was even a 'porno' from the 1920's or something playing on a projector in a little room (silent film complete with piano score). The lady that was in it was rather curvy and plump by today's standards…but there ain't nothing wrong with that. She basically stood up out of bed, looked into a mirror…and I guess she was touching herself…but it looked like she was petting a hedgehog between her legs (apparently the razor hadn't been invented yet) and she actually seemed to be kind of confused as to what it was or something…and was feeling herself up really, really fast. It was rather odd. Anyway, here are some pictures…

Yes, that's a two meter tall fallic symbol from Thailand

Picture taken by a two meter tall fallic symbol...ME!!!

A Persian version of "Where's Waldo?"

These were some awesome pictures...

Action figures have come a long way since 12th century Vietnam

The great-grandfather of Anime

In case you're wondering, the sheet on there is a

little history on this "Pleasure Chair" that starts

with "DO NOT SIT ON THIS CHAIR!!!" in

about six languages

These are Indonesian instruments...

and you can guess where the mouthpiece is...

Then we walked through the nearby Mercat St. Josep (St. Joseph's Market?) where we found a vast array of fresh produce, meats, and other things. Enjoy...

"Give us, us free!!!"

Jesus apparently likes spicy food

After a little more shopping, we hopped a cab back to the hotel…and asked the lovely front desk clerk Sara for the keys to our second room. Now, when I say lovely…she looked like Mia Wallace (Uma Thurman) in "Pulp Fiction" but with a Spanish accent…and she had this little quirk about her of licking her lips every so often…and she had gorgeous brown eyes…and even smiled at my silliness when she asked about what we had done today. "You know, the usual…shopping, walking around the city, Museum of Erotica, coffee in the plaza, good times." "(Laughing) Yes…I have been to that museum. What did you think?" "It was great. It had exhibits from all over the world, the artwork was great, and it definitely wasn't boring like other museums can be. I was ugh…thoroughly curious about what was around every corner, I have to say."

Dinner was at the hotel restaurant La Sal and we had surf & turf paella, then tangerine sorbet for dessert. Deeeelicious!!! Basically after that, I watched a little Leno & Conan (oh yeah, CBS was in the room) then went to bed.

Day 14 - Barcelona

Woke up around 8 and went to breakfast with the ladies. Possibly experiencing Alzheimer's, they started talking about family trends again and how people are waiting later to have kids (this was where I threw in my Polygamy ideas a few days earlier) but to keep me interested, I put in my usually light fare conversation.

Pat: "I used to work for Coke in Atlanta."
$teve: "That cool. I work for sex...but we all have our addictions, I guess."

Basically, we decided to save some money...and just chill at the hotel for the day. Personally, I thought it was a little lame...but my financial situation wasn't too great...so I agreed. I actually took this time to check my email from work and clean it out a bit and say howdy to some peeps. My prediction for the amount of emails was WAY more than it was. The total number ended up being 311 where I guess something like 748. It was a pleasant surprise to say the least.

Then I retired to my room to watch some Spanish TV (really nothing within 5 miles except the airport and closed businesses. It was a Sunday. The first few hours was filled with ACB Spanish basketball league. Being a huge basketball nerd, I found it very stimulating even though I had no idea what the announcers were saying except for the occasional name. There were some familiar faces (at least to me) like Shammond Williams (formerly of North Carolina and briefly in the NBA), Matt Walsh (University of Florida), Curtis Borchardt (Stanford and the Utah Jazz), Marc Gasol (brother of all-star Pao Gasol and drafted by the Lakers this year), and my personal favorite...a throwback to the time when I was in the college basketball game, Pepe Sanchez (formerly of Temple).

Pepe Sanchez was one of my favorites because his average game was like 4 points and 12 assists. Basically, he was Steve Nash before Steve Nash was Steve Nash...but only in college. He didn't really get a shot at a good system in the pros. ACB basketball was very fundamentally sound with great passing, defense, and teamwork. Nothing like the televised NBA teams like the Lakers and Cavaliers. Oh well, maybe that's where I should go play. I don't know Spanish but I'll be fully emersed in the language...or I could just go to Germany or Austria or something.

After basketball was a few of my favorite shows - Simpsons (Itchy & Scratchy movie episode), Family Guy (PTV episode), and Futurama (Blurgsball episode) but in Spanish. The funniest part to me...was that surprisingly, even the Bumblebee Man was dubbed. "Ay ay ay!!!" Still extremely entertaining though.

After that was this movie with Stephen Dorff and Natasha Henstridge "Riders" again in Spanish. I had never seen the movie before...but it was very easy to follow regardless. Also, bonus features about watching movies on TV in Spain, they don't edit out the hot & steamy stuff...and if you think Natasha Henstridge is hot now...wait until she's spitting Spanish...in a movie full of stunts, explosions, and thievery. Giggidy!!!

The news talking about a riot in Barcelona the previous night, about a mile from where we were about an hour earlier. Apparently we left at the right time. Leno & Conan then back to bed.

Dream #3 - This evening, I had a dream that I was playing a little two-on-two football with Brett Favre as my quarterback in a parking lot...complete with cars, vans, parking meters, and other obstacles. It probably would make for a really good Nike commercial or something (hint hint). I woke up after a few drives when I got sideswiped by a van going 40 MPH.

Day 15 - Barcelona

After breakfast, we took the shuttle down to Placa Espanya and walked down La Parellel towards the port. It was a bit of a walk...but the ladies made it.

Had to take a picture of this ad with Steve McQueen

There was also some ads for Martini with George

Clooney with a moustache...but alas no pictures.

First stop was the Museu Maritim (Maritime Museum) about the incredible nautical history of Spain. It was very thorough and quite interesting. Here are some pictures...

The Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria

a.k.a. the Three Horsemen of the American Apocolypse

This was the Royal Figurehead of the Spanish Armada

It looks like the Cowardly Lion...and hungry.

"Look out!!! It's the dreaded...El Nino!!! We're doomed!!!"

After the museum, we returned to Las Ramblas for last minute souvenirs...and I bought me a beautiful painting of a Flamenco dancer. Next time you stop by my house, I'll have to show you. Oh wait, I'll take a picture one of these days and post it. It's hot stuff. That's why I bought it. It looks a lot like this work by Fabian Perez...

Nothing screams Spanish Gangster...

like the chubby mouse from Cinderella

Lunch was at a cafe called Mikel Etxea where we had mixed tapas (appetizers) and beverages. It was very good and the people watching was excellent as well. Beautiful weather, good food, family, the, what else could you ask for? After lunch, they shopped more (I followed) then we took our last cab back to the hotel. Tomorrow we were returning to the states.

Just a little FYI that I found out on Spanish TV. The legendary Mr. Clean is called Don Limpio. Dinner was a club sandwich and tangerine sorbet again. Delicious!!! Packed up and got ready for the flight home in the morning.

Dream #4 - My brother & I were walking around...wait appeared to be a trailer park. (For some reason, my brother's in a few of these dreams, weird) We noticed some hillbilly types firing these little fireballs with this rubber band gun or something. One of them ricocheted back and knicked the side of my leg, burning my pants a bit to expose my leg scar (from car accident in 1998). I look down and bat out the little fire on my pants and who's there to make sure that I'm okay...but my ex-girlfriend Megan. Needless to say, I'm a little surprised. "Whew, that was close. Come sit down with the rest of us."

I sat down with her and four children, probably three or four years old (two boys, two girls). The kids are super excited to see me (as most kids are). "Here. Look at this." She hands me a camcorder, so I check out the video playback...and it's a video (really more like snapshots at first) of me during various times of my life...then video of me dressed up as a King, wearing my robe that I made...and a crown...and I'm spitting some stupid Dr. Seuss-type stuff while standing on my throne. That's right, I said standing on my throne. No typo. "Back in my castle again jiggity-jig. It takes large feet to fill shoes this big." Like I said, it was stupid stuff...but the kids seemed to enjoy it. My repsonse: "Who...what the hell is this?" Megan's laughing sweetly (as she always does), the kids start giggling...then gang tackle me...and I wake up. Yeah, ponder that one...and wonder if my brother bailed on me when I got hit by that fireball thing. I did afterwards. Probably would have earlier if I wasn't so surprised by Megan.

Dream #5 - Oh yeah, saving the best for last with this one. It was a long night. I was on vacation in Australia...and was invited to a research center where they were studying the Great Barrier Reef and large sea serpents. A hot Australian scientist (looked like Rachael Taylor from "Transformers") guided me through the place...and we ended up in a research room with a ginormous tank...holding what looked like a 50-foot anaconda. It literally filled up the entire tank. I was checking out some cool coral things on petrie dishes when the glass of the tank started to crack, then the water gushed out and threw me against a wall, knocking me out briefly. I came to...and heard the hottie screaming and saw this gigantic anaconda backing her into a corner on top of a counter. She was trapped. So I dive in there, pick up this snake (probably 500-600 pounds) and toss it away. "Are you okay?" "Yeah." Just then the snake pops up behind me with a loud hiss. I grab it at the base of the head to keep it off. I try kicking it in the mouth...but it doesn't work. Then I remember how to back off a dog, think it might translate over to snakes...and kick it in the chest (just below the head). I hear it groan. Kick it a few more times, then it falls into the water.

I'm exhausted. That bastard was heavy and strong. I'm flat on my back...and hottie scientist straddles me and starts sucking my face like it's carrying the antidote or something. So what do I think of? "Crap!" I push her off and stand between her and the water. "Were there any other snakes in that tank? Poisonous ones maybe?" "Ugh, I don't think so, mate." "Okay. Stay back, we're gonna get outta here." Just then, the door opens. Somebody else is coming in. "HEY!!! There's a giant snake in here. Close the door and get help." It was a cameraman, shining his light at me. Then Ashton Kutcher came running in, laughing his ass off.

"That was AWESOME!!! DUDE!!! YOU JUST GOT PUNK'D!!!" I then saw my stunned reaction through the camera...and a little blood trickling from my forehead. "What?" Everybody was laughing and/or shaking my hand. Then it cut to a few of the post-reaction interview...complete with slow-motion video of the accompanying scenes...

Guy with the head of the Snake Costume under his arm: "Yeah, I was surprised first that he tried to save her...but then he just blindsided me & Jim (other guy in snake costume) and threw us like ten feet. Ashton told us to get up and go after him...and that's when he kicked me in the chest a few times through the outfit...and he knocked the wind out of me...so I just fell to the ground."

Australian hottie: "Hell yeah I straddled him. He risked his life to save me from a giant snake. I'm gonna (bleep) his brains out. If not for that reason, why else? He even threw me off him to continue protecting me. That just makes me want to (bleep) him more."

Ashton: "Easily, the best Punk'd EVER!!! I can't believe it. This guy's a real life action superstar."

$teve: "I'm gonna (bleep) kill Ashton. He saw what I did to the snake. He should watch his back. (Smile) I'm just playing. Well, I hit my head apparently...came to...saw the damsel in distress...beat down the dragon. There wasn't a whole lot of thinking going on until she jumped on top of me...then there was too much thinking going on. (Laughs as she comes in camera right and whispers something in my ear) We're done here, right? Okay, I'm Audi..." We walk off. I wake up.

Day 16 - Flight back

Nothing really happened during the flight back except I saw "Transformers" (with Rachael Taylor...which was really weird given the previous night's dream), the latest Harry Potter (I forget the name but saw it on a date), and a movie so stupid it was funny called "Hot Rod" about a 'stuntman' who wants to pull off a huge stunt to save his stepdad's life...so that he can kick his stepdad's ass. I enjoyed it. Then Bubbles missed me for a few weeks, so she came over to catch up on what I missed, which was awesome. This concludes my European vacation!!! YAY!!! Just in time for my trip to Dallas on Thursday!!! Have a great day everybody!!!