Monday, March 31, 2008

Future Change

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

My apologies for the gloomy rant yesterday…but I'm better now. My friends were there for me to cheer me up as usual…and I was able to make them laugh, which always makes me feel good. Thanks y'all!!! Today, I woke up a little early and did some push ups, stretches, and little workout routine that I used to always do to get the blood pumping in the morning. I would have gone jogging…but there was snow on the ground…so I passed. Instead, I gave my dad a call to see if he could use some company…and of course he wants to see his eldest son while recovering from a leg injury. So I packed up some movies that I thought he would like (Sunshine, Knocked Up, Superbad, Boondock Saints, etc.) and some classics that I know he likes (Vanishing Point, Dirty Mary Crazy Larry, & Virtuosity). Odd thing was…he actually rented Virtuosity last week. You know what they say about great minds…they think like us.

We were even flipping through the channels and watched the first minute of "Disturbia" where the main character & his dad get in a car wreck...and we simultaneously reached for the remote to change it...and then got into a discussion about how just about the only movies that make us cry are the ones where there's a father-son tragedy thing going "Godfather", "Big Fish", "Frequency", and even "Lord of the Rings" when the King says something like "A father should never have to bury his son." I thought it was weird that we had that same thing...but then again, my grandpa died fairly young...and I can see where that would be the case. Maybe it's genetic or something. I don't know. I'm not a scientist.

He's getting around the house good with his crutches and little walker and stuff like that…but you can tell that the pain is pretty bad still. It's hard to see my dad go through stuff like that…but that's why he has a good kid like me…to help him out with the little things…like interesting conversation, refreshing his beverage, or cleaning out his urine bottle. "Dude, I really appreciate you helping me with this stuff." "It's no problem, man. At one time, you wiped my ass for me and I probably peed on you…so it's only fair that I repay the debt, right? If you pee on me intentionally though, we're done." "Hahaha, understood. Hey, remember to wash your hands." "Dude, I'm already trying to remember where the grease soap is in this place. I'm taking a few layers of skin off." "You know, urine is sterile." "I could give a damn. I'm not prepping for surgery." My dad & I obviously have similar senses of humor. Wonder how that happened…

We caught up on things…and we're already planning on a trip to Vegas, just the two of us…probably late May-early June, so stay tuned for that one. Also, he told me about some friends of his that asked him if he & my stepmom wanted to go to the Sturgis Rally in South Dakota this August. Being a big Harley guy, he was interested…as was I. Apparently, these friends of his wanted to go are well to do…and will be driving a black H2 Hummer…with the Batman logo on the sides…and pulling a trailer with Harleys. That's right, the Bat-Hummer. Apparently it's because the wife (Wiccan friend of my stepmom) saves and nurses trapped bats caught in chimneys and what-have-you back to health…but it sounds awesome. Besides, I visited Sturgis during the off-season once when I was about twelve…and saw Spearfish, Deadwood, the Black Hills, Mount Rushmore, all that stuff…but don't really have pictures of it…nor any good biker stories…so I'm trying to slide my way into this hook-up somehow. At the very least, I'm good entertainment. Oooh, speaking of entertainment, Sammy Hagar & ZZ Top will be performing at the Sturgis Rally this year. That's worth it right there. Anyway, I'll keep you posted as that comes up…but yeah, we basically caught up and watched "Sunshine" which he liked…as predicted. Then I came here to work.

As mentioned yesterday, over the last few weeks, I have been seriously considering a drastic and major change…because I find myself growing a little bored and complacent, whereas I used to have Passion to get up early, do stuff all day from school to work to volunteering to trying new things and everything in between, go to bed late, and repeat off four hours of sleep. Then I graduated…and slowly but surely, about the only things that are the same are work and going to bed late…and it's been really gradual…and I'm starting to feel like I need a major change to get the Passion flowing back into my life. I making this a little more dramatic than it really is…but only slightly. I still really enjoy so many things about my life that it's crazy to be talking like this…but I think that it'd be a great new adventure…to consider moving outside of my Comfort Zone a.k.a. Slick City.

Now, for those of you who are fairly new to this blog, I was born and raised and have always lived along the Wasatch Front in northern Utah. From the small-town ghetto to the small-town suburbs to cow country to the upper-class mountains to the larger-town ghetto to the larger-town suburbs…but all here in Utah. Why? My family & friends are all here…and they're insanely important to me. Also, I love the mountains…and nature in general. The people are really nice…like creepy nice…like something out of Stepford Wives most of the time. I have nothing but Love for Utah…but I think it would be a great adventure for me to move out of the state, if not the country, to get some real world experience…whatever that means. Of course, I'm also really logical even when I'm dreaming about ideas and this and that…so I have to do serious pros & cons…and basically use that stuff to convince myself that something is a good idea…and this is no different. Thus, I share with you…my Pros & Cons for my Top Options that I've come up with for living quarters.

Leaving Utah in General


  • Career Progression
  • Change of Scenery, new adventure
  • Force me to break out of my Comfort Zone
  • Meet new people


  • Family & Friends aren't readily available
  • If something happens, I'm on my own
  • Only see family on holidays and stuff
  • Already have a job with good pay & little responsibility
  • Pay cut probably involved initially
  • I'd have to move my stuff
  • Leaving the mountains
Summary - Maybe I just need to get Passion into my life somehow…but really I'm thinking that I can leave for a few years and then return with some experience…hopefully to get a good job that I love in the city I want to retire in...Eden, Utah. So now let's look at the other options I'm considering…

Las Vegas, Nevada


  • Love the city like a fat kid loves cake
  • Prostitution, higher alcohol content, no state tax, more bang for your buck
  • Entertainment Capital of the World
  • America's Playground…if not the World's
  • Family & friends could visit every few months easily…and gratefully
  • The Wingmans live two hours away
  • SoCal is about six hours away
  • I know a few people in the area (Bubbles & two former bosses)
  • Booming economy, especially in my favorite industries
  • Already familiar with the area & have scouted real estate
  • Great job market for me in the area


  • Fear of drunk drivers increased
  • Need to watch out for addictions of all kinds
  • Really just the usual 'leaving home' stuff
Summary - This is by far the leading candidate right now. I had thought about it for a while…but it was really this latest trip to help Bubbles move in where I was convinced that it really wouldn't be a bad idea…if not just for a few years while I'm still young & adventurous. There's also a rich variety of cultures that come to the area. My job would also involve me dressing up in a snappy three-piece and flashing the charm on dignitaries and drunken socialites. Not a bad environment to work in.

San Diego / OC, California


  • Closest to Heaven that I'll ever be
  • 300+ Days of pure sunshine & skimpy outfits
  • Tourism is big business in the area
  • Ocean, beaches, culture
  • Seaport city, so I can trust seafood
  • I can also trust the fruits & vegetables
  • Two hour flight from SLC (Delta & JetBlue direct)


  • Extremely high cost of living…but doable
  • Not insanely familiar with the area…but learn quickly
  • Two days drive from my family
  • Invest in sunblock
Summary - Having to learn a little Spanish wouldn't be a bad thing but the major drawback would be the cost of living. There are suburbs though…and if I'm willing to skimp on my globetrotting, it's doable. I do love to travel and see the world though…and a lot of cruises leave from the area. It's another strong possibility…but still behind Vegas.

New Orleans, Louisiana


  • Love the culture & the food
  • Great jobs waiting for me
  • Familiar with the city
  • Cost of living is very reasonable for good parts of town
  • My friend Filly wants to move there when she graduates


  • City is in reconstruction
  • Economy is…rebuilding at best
  • Fear of living underwater
  • Fear of stabbing
  • Humidity is not my friend
Summary - I love to visit the Big Easy…but I really don't know if I'd want to live there. I've also always thought it was really, really city to build an entire city under sea level…and though I know that it rarely happens…it has happened recently…and global warming…and yeah, I don't want to be stabbed either. Still a possibility though.

Anyway, those are the top contenders right now…but I may just be blowing smoke and everything right now. This may go the way of my professional basketball career, movie directing career, and other ideas that I was really passionate about…but faded over time. We shall see. I just thought that I'd share these ideas with y'all (and I already have with some of you, thanks for the input by the way) and really it's so that I can see it to look at later…and try to make a decision. The first major thing is finding a good job…because if I can't pay for the move, then it'd be really pointless, right? Let me know what you think…and I'm sure that tomorrow will probably be a funnier post, like you're used to. In the meantime, have a great night…and I'll see you in April.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Saturday Blaze & Gloomy Gus Days

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday, I did very little before meeting up with Bubbles and her new car Sylvie (name still in debate…but I like it). She had spent the day at the dealership and was very happy with her purchase…as she should be because it's a great car. She was in town for a few days to hopefully pack up the rest of her stuff for the move down to Vegas, so I helped out with that for a while before the Blaze game. The game itself was held at the Energy Solutions Arena…and was actually surprisingly lame. The Blaze have yet to win a game this year…and they lost to the Georgia Force by 21 points. I did have a few beers at the game for the first time. They were reasonably priced…but yeah, no fights or anything like that. Here are some pictures…

NBA Legend John Stockton...dipped in bronze

Bubbles & I at the game...
She feigns interest well

Towards the end of the game,
the Blaze resorted to drastic measures.
Normally Dodge trucks aren't allowed to play.

They even cheated in the Tug-of-War...

After the game, Bubbles decided that she wanted to have a few drinks with some friends…so she called some up and we went to Piper Down and Murphy's for brief periods…but decided to call it a short night because she had a lot of packing to do today (and last call is 1 AM here in Utah). I have a few pictures…but I'm not going to post them…because I don't have permission from the parties involved. Good times.

Today was a rainy, gloomy day…and I kind of felt accordingly. Occasionally, I just have these days where I wake up…and all the bad stuff seems to outweigh the good stuff. You know, like seeing the rain on the window instead of the beautiful stuff behind it. My dad recovering from a broken leg. My Wingman going through his treatment. I haven't had a girlfriend in nearly a year. I turn 27 in less than a month…and feel like I could do so much more. I haven't really played basketball in about three years. I feel a little bummed about my job and am seriously considering a major change in venue (more on that tomorrow). It's been almost two years since I graduated college with two degrees…yet still am doing the same thing that I was doing because the money's good, no real responsibility, but I've seriously grown apart from my job. I worry for friends and their well-being. I don't work out nearly as much as I used to. Even stupid stuff like some jackass spraypainting my car. It just seems sometimes like all the Passion that I used to have has escaped me. It all seems routine. I wake up, run errands in the morning, go to work during the day, watch a movie at night, sleep alone, repeat.
Don't get me wrong. These Gloomy Gus days that I have help me to appreciate all the great things that I have to. Great family, great friends, great health, good head on my shoulders, my sweet demeanor, job that pays well and allows me to travel on a whim usually, nieces & nephews to help grow with, great adventures that I have on occasion, all the stuff that I'm thankful for when I pray at night. Usually I just try to send out the positive thoughts and the Karma comes back around…but yeah, sometimes I wonder…what might have been and pointless stuff like that. I don't know. Maybe it's just like a Second Puberty or something…and I'm just worrying about what my life is going to be like six months, two years, five years, ten years, twenty years from now…and it's bumming be because I remember my expectation from when I was going through my First Puberty. Stuff like graduating with a college degree (check check), finding Love (stalemate), being a pro basketball player (three years since steady pickup games), success in side projects like movies & business ventures (yeah, I had high expectations), and all that stuff. It just seems sometimes like that only person that I’m doing for…is for me…and I want to do so much more.

I want to be like Dikembe Mutumbo and help save & educate kids in Afrika by donating my millions. I want to help kids get away from video games and pick up sports. You know, coach a rec league team or something. I want to make people smile & laugh uncontrollably and feel good about themselves. I want to have a family eventually…but not before finding that right woman that compliments & completes me. I assume most people think about stuff like that every once in a while. Anyway, my time for that was today…as I was watching basketball all day before coming to work. Oh…and by the way, if you think that I have an encyclopedic knowledge of movies, you should watch a basketball game with me. My trivial knowledge of the sport is somewhat legendary…but awfully boring. So yeah, my rant is over for the day. Sorry to probably bum you out too…but I'll get over it real quick…as soon as I decide what I'm going to do. It'll probably coincide with seeing the sun again. I usually like rainy days, just to go for little walks and feel the rain on my face…but about once a year, I have these Gloomy Gus days. I think we'll all be happy not to hear about this for another twelve months. Thanks for letting me vent. Now to some stuff that makes me feel better…

Twice in a Week? - Kory McFarren is a 37-year old man from Ness City, Kansas. On March 13th, authorities arrived at his house because he said that his 35-year old girlfriend Pam Babcock had something wrong with her…and it was that she was sitting on the toilet for so long that she had basically become one with the crapper. Her skin had literally grown around the bowl…and she was fused to the seat. Now, originally they said she had probably been there for a few months…but now they're saying a month or so…and Mr. McFarren was arrested under suspicion of mistreatment of a dependant adult. Oh…and she was 'disconnected' from the toilet and is recovering in the hospital. Creepy, right? Here's something even more creepy. He was released…and on March 23rd, he was arrested again…this time for lewd & lascivious (good word meaning "tending to arouse sexual desires") behavior after allegedly exposing himself to a neighbor's teenage daughter and her friends. You know, as bad as things get, at least I don't get my kicks out of making people sit on a toilet for months or flashing neighbors…well, their underage daughters anyway. Mister McFarren, you win my Loser of the Month - March 2008. Congratulations!!! Hope you enjoy prison.

Wombats Make the News - Arthur Cradock, a 48-year-old orchard worker from Motueka on the South Island of New Zealand, called police on February 11th to say he was being raped by a Wombat at his home. Shortly after, he called back to withdraw his complaint. For those of you who don't know, Wombats are those pudgy, slow-moving marsupials that you see on nature shows…like the Wildboyz. He claimed that after the experience, he starting speaking Australian. Cradock pleaded guilty to using a phone for a fictitious purpose and was sentenced to 75 hours community work. Prosecutors said alcohol plays a large part in Cradock's life, although his defense lawyer said he was not drunk on the afternoon of the phone calls. So there's really only one explanation…the Wombat convinced him somehow to drop the charges. I'm sure there was a drunken celebration of some sort where the two met, they talked and found that they had similar interests, one thing led to another, and then Mr. Cradock woke up alone with a sore backside and some distinctive cubic scat on his bed sheets. "It wasn't a dream." So he called in the complaint…only to have the Wombat return shortly after with breakfast from Mickey D's. Oops. Call back to drop the charges…but it was too late. Simple misunderstanding. It's a shame really…but at least he gets to do community service for a great cause, has found an interesting relationship, and this may be the first step to him avoiding getting blackout drunk in the future. Who knows? All I know is…a Wombat and a Kiwi probably cannot breed…and that will help me to sleep at night. Then again, they said the same thing about a Beaver & a Duck…and now we have the Platypus. What would you call a Wombat - Kiwi offspring? A Wiwi? A Kombat? A Mortal Kombat? Anyway, raped by a Wombat. Nobody ever suspects the Wombat…and for good reason.

That'll do it for today. Thanks for letting me vent again…and hopefully I got a laugh or two out of you afterwards. I wish you all the best in everything. Have a great night!!! May all your dreams come true!!!

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Night at the Theatre

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, the symphony last night was magnificent. After spending the day drinking fluids and watching "Battlestar Galactica: Razor" (by the way, lesbians + robots = awesome), I met up with JL Clyde for a night in downtown Slick City...and to get our culture on. We walked around downtown for about an hour past Temple Square and a lot of things that I hadn't really walked past in a long, long, long time. There's this little house right in the heart of downtown...and my thought was, "I have been here. When I was a kid. This house is important for some reason" and then I read a sign that said it was Brigham Young's old crib. "Oh, cool. Kinda small for a few dozen wives though, isn't it?" Here are some pictures of the area...
I guess it's because we're the Beehive State...
Utah's State Bird - The California Bull

We arrived at the beautiful Abrevanel Hall and the mix of theatre goers was tremendous. There were a few people over the age of forty, who were obviously there because they had season tickets, dressed to the nines, and looking around at all the young whipper-snappers filling their prestigious hall. The vast majority though, were the 18-30 demographic with expendable income who may or may not still live in their parent's basement and have at least one Warcraft account and four Final Fantasy games.
I'm guessing it's that Chihuly guy...
Abravenel Hall - A Wonderful Symphony Hall
Costume Contest Finalists
Mario, some dude, some chick, Mage, Feather
Hat Guy, some other chick, and that guy
Mini Mario & Luigi, hot announcer, some dude too
serious about his Trigun outfit, Chun Li, Princess Daisy,
and...Strawberry Shortcake?
Your winner...Chun Li!!!
Somebody knows what daddy likes...

Now, I've played a few video games in my day...definitely a lot more about a decade ago before I started working & going to school full-time. However, JL Clyde & I were completely out of our element. Half of the games they played music for (the newer ones), I had no idea what they were talking about. What's "Advent Rising"? Tommy Tallerico was the master of ceremonies...and fittingly enough, his wardrobe was a formal jacket with Spiderman undershirt...and some flashy red & silver sneakers...oh, and a shirt that played Pong briefly. Needless to say, they started just about every segment with "We're gonna do things a little differently..." just in case we forgot that this was called Video Games Live. The symphony was incredible...and they had a guest pianist who made himself famous by playing Super Mario Brothers themes blindfolded on YouTube. He was amazing. They played themes from Zelda to Kingdom of Hearts to Metal Gear Solid to Castlevania...and I can't believe how NUTS people went when they introduced Warcraft & Kingdom of Hearts. It was tremendously entertaining alone.
Yes, that's Donkey Kong on the screen
This guy was doing live action Space Invaders.

Afterwards, we walked around Temple Square again. It's a gorgeous place. Very romantic at night. Then we met up with Filly and hung out with her for a few hours before I headed home.

"You're so stiff. Relax... Relax..."
Thanks for being a nerd with me, Ms. Clyde.

Tonight, Bubbles & I are going to the Utah Blaze game for some Saturday Night Arena Football. It should be a lot of fun...and my voice is fully recovered from the symphony last night. Never thought I'd say that before...but that's what life's about, right? New experiences...and I definitely recommend checking out this Video Games Live if you get a chance. That's really all I've got right now...but tune in tomorrow for some badass photos from the game...and a few surprises as always. Have a great night everybody!!!

Friday, March 28, 2008

Giving Blood - Part 4

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night after work, I went home and my Wingman came over for a few beverages and to watch some silly stuff...and mission accomplished. We watched the first season of the Cartoon Network cartoon "Frisky Dingo" which is a twisted little superhero tale that is just so bizarre...that you'll laugh your ass off. I had seen the first four episodes or so before borrowing the season from the Mad Scientist...but the other nine were just as great...and I can't wait for season two. I highly recommend this for anybody who likes wild, crazy, zany comedy. Here's a gauge as to whether you'll like it or not, the superhero's name is Awesome-X and he has his fighting friends, the X-Tacles...and his arch nemesis is named Killface. Enjoy.

I woke up this morning a little early...because I was doing a good deed and donating my O-Positive whole blood (no 2% here) to the American Red Cross. Then it happened, I walked out to my car...and some jackass took a blue paintspray bottle to the passenger side windows of my car. F**king vandals should be castrated by fire, in my personal opinion. Not only that, when it concerns a car, I think that they can pick the appendage that they want ran over afterwards. That's just how I feel. I don't suppose a Proposition 69 is going to be passed to all that stuff any time soon...but still. Now you know where I'm coming from with respect to Vandals (University of Idaho excluded...unless they f**k with my car).

I was somebody's first!!! I know, it's rare nowadays to be somebody's first when you've just met them...and you don't have a whole lot in common...but there's something there...and then a miracles happens...and she's sucking blood out of arm. Her name was Christy...and today was her first day in the field...and her reward was me. Don't worry, I was gentle. She also had a trainer right behind me to make sure that she did everything right (which is good because I still don't like needles much) and she did a great job. She seemed a little jealous when she found out that I had been to Spain, Italy, France, Mexico, and China in the last three I didn't mention that I've been to another ten countries (questionairre you have to fill out before donating). This time took a little longer to drain (no breakfast, oops) but it was okay because we kept eachother entertained...and the nurses station was right in front of the scenery was nice.

When they took out the needle and stuff, I felt a little I let them know and they gave me the ice packs while I was still in the recliner. The trainer also dropped the seat suddenly to startle me and get the blood flowing. It worked a little bit. Then some of the hot nurses brought me over some Fig Newtons & water...and were asking me questions to keep me occupied. It really wasn't that necessary...because this happens every time...but still, I'm a sucker for attention. "What's Spain like?" "Beautiful, great culture, great architecture, sexy & intelligent women, I'm glad that I went there with my grandma. She loved it too." "Oooh, you took your grandma with you?" "Of course. It was her first time out of the country...and I had some experience in it, so I was her guide. She's a lot of fun." "Ooooh."

Then I asked about this torture device looking thing in the corner...and apparently it was like a blood recycling machine that they use to get platelets or plasma or something (I was lightheaded), where they take your blood out, take out platelets, and then put the blood back in your other arm. "Really? That sounds evil. I'll myself up to that maybe but ugh...yeah, I still don't like needles." Christy told me about her days in training when she had to stick herself 5-6 times a day...and eventually she got over it. "I'm good with the once every few months...and hopefully somebody else can use my good health to their benefit." "We appreciate it. What kind of blood do you have?" "O-Positive, that's like the ultimate donor type, right?" "Well, O-Negative goes to just about everything but the only difference is that A, B, AB, or O can take it...but they have to be positive too." "Oh, you learn something new everyday." "Yeah, it's really good for babies in need." "Really? That's why I do it...for the babies in need. That's awesome." See? I knew there was a reason I donated when I could sell my blood. Karma coming back around, I guess. You can make a difference too. Please call your local American Red Cross. You're not feeding vampires. You're helping babies and people in dire emergencies...and all it costs is your time...and a little dizziness...but you can watch weird movies during that time of rest.

From the writer/director of "Donnie Darko" Richard Kelly comes his latest "Southland Tales" starring the Rock, Stiffler, and Buffy (Dwayne Johnson, Seann William Scott, & Sarah Michelle Gellar). Actually the cast also includes Justin Timberlake, Bai Ling ("The Crow"), John Larroquette ("Night Court"), Christopher Lambert ("Highlander"), Mandy Moore, Curtis Armstrong ("Revenge of the Nerds"), Kevin Smith (Silent Bob), Zelda Rubinstein ("Poltergeist"), Eli Roth, and kinda creepy performances from comedians like Jon Lovitz, Cheri Oteri, Amy Poehler, Will Sasso, and Janeane Garafalo. How have I never heard of this movie before seeing it on the new release shelves? Oh well, it happens...and I think it has something to do with the storyline full of things like WW3, alternative energy, Patriot Act expansion, government control, and the APOCOLYPSE!!! Set in the near future in LA, it's really kind of a complicated storyline...but I'd recommend it...especially if you liked Donnie Darko and the like. Full of twists, turns, intrigue, mystery, and random fun my personal favorite while recovering from donating blood, what appears to be Justin Timberlake's new video for "I've Got Soul but I'm Not A Soldier" with bombshells on skeeball machines. If that doesn't intrigue you, I don't know what will. Man, I hope I'm a little less loopy for the symphony tonight. Here's a little bit of news...

French First Lady - French President Nicolas Sarkozy and his new wife former model Carla Bruni were married in February after a whirlwind relationship following the divorce from his second wife. His approval ratings have dropped dramatically coinciding with his "flashy" lifestyle and political views. However, another situation has come up that may have dire consequences. A portrait of the new first lady is about to be auctioned off by famous auctioneer Christie's in New York next month. It's a 13" x 10" gelatin silver black & white photograph taken in 1993, when Bruni was one of the world's top fashion models. Oh yeah…and she's nude. I know. Hot, right? Christie's expects to get between $3000 and $4000 for the picture…but I think they may be selling themselves a little short. I wouldn't be surprised if it broke the six-digit marker. This about it. How much would a picture of Jackie O in her twenties have fetched from the marketplace? Now, take into account inflation…and the dollar to Euro exchange rate (since it'll probably be bought by an opposing politician for smut use at a future election) and you could easily conceive somebody paying 40000 Euros (which'll probably be $100,000 by next month). Sarkozy and his new wife are due to pay a state visit to Britain this week during which they will be hosted by Queen Elizabeth at Windsor Castle. Oh snaps, I just thought of Princess Di having a steamy portrait from her youth. Hold on a second. (Mmmm…) Okay, I'm back. This situation could make for an interesting & awkward dinner conversation. "So…Mrs. President, I hear that you used to be a model some years ago." "Why yes, your Majesty. I was pretty famous in ze, how you say, fashion industry for quite zome time." "Hmm, interesting. Was that before or after your career in pornography?" "Excuse moi?" "Oh, I apologize. Is it called something different across the Chunnel when somebody takes nude photos of you? Because over here it's pretty cut and dry." There may be a glass of wine tossed by the time tea is served. Now that's something to see on YouTube, a Royal Food Fight.

Have a great night everybody!!! I think I'll watch me some "Battlestar Galactica" Season 3...and here's a little taste for ya. Mmm...the dangers of sexbots...

Thursday, March 27, 2008

True Romance

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Brooklyn's Birthday Bash was First Class!!! Granted, I only stayed for about an hour…but it was a lot of fun. Murphy's is a pretty chill bar downtown and her friends are some fun & entertaining cats. I was also introduced to a Red-Headed Slut. No no no, not a promiscious woman of Irish descent (that would've been sweet) but rather a shot called a Red-Headed Slut, comprised of three of my favorite beverages - Cranberry Juice, Peach Schnapps, and Jaegermeister. Try it out. It goes down easy. (Rim shot) Best of all, she had a great time…so hopefully she's drinking plenty of water now and doing okay. I obviously didn't have one…but I worked late, had to drive home, and be here at work in the morning…so I really didn't have time to do any damage…except make a few smiles. It's all good. Tonight, the Wingman & I hang out…but I won't be getting sloshy tonight either…because I donate blood in the morning. Maybe a few Hornsby's Apple Ciders, just so I have a good night's sleep…but that's it.

Happy 45th Birthday to acclaimed writer / director Quentin Tarantino!!! Maker of some of my favorite movies including "Pulp Fiction", "Reservoir Dogs", "Jackie Brown", "Deathproof", & "Kill Bill" and wrote two of the greatest love stories of all time, "True Romance" & "Natural Born Killers." Born in Knoxville, raised in the South Bay Area of California, and now a director who can basically do anything that he wants in Hollywood (still waiting on that rumored "Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!" remake) but chooses to take challenging projects…like the war movie "Inglorious Bastards" that he's allegedly doing soon and due out some time in 2010. Anyway, if you haven't seen his films, then feel free to give them a shot…but I'm going to warn you that they're great…but a little dialogue-heavy at times. If you've read my blog at all though, you know that's usually not a problem with me…as long as you throw in an occasional quip or catchy phrase or something. Happy Birthday, Mr. Tarantino!!! Let me know when you wanna collaborate.

Swan Lake 2 - I smell a chick flick. Petra, a black swan in Muenster, Germany, became a minor celebrity in 2006 when she became so attached to an oversized boat shaped like a white swan that she refused to leave its side. Officials in the western city of Muenster decided to let her stay with it over the winter, bringing both bird and boat into a city zoo. However, Petra met a LIVE white swan this winter. Zoo director Joerg Adler says she and her new mate are building a nest together. The boat, obviously heartbroken and distraught over this love triangle, was to return to its original owner. "Look sweetie, it's not you, it's me. You know that a family is important to me and…well, it's simply not a possibility with you. Sure, we have so much in common, we get along so well, God knows I honk you, and the sex is amazing…but I just need to see where this leads. I hope that you can understand. Honk honk." Silence from the boat. "Please don't give me the silent treatment again. You're being childish (or cygnet-ish, I guess). Look, I've got to go…but please…let's keep in touch. Okay? I honk you."

Nearly a week went by…and despite Petra's efforts, she wasn't able to contact the boat. She decided to stop calling…and begin anew with her new beau…but the romance was short-lived. On Saturday, he flew off and sought out the company of other black swans. His note tells a tale of personal conflict: "My dearest Petra, over the last few days, we grew so close…yet I wasn't completely honest with you from the beginning…and for that I am sorry. I only tell you this now because I care for you…and don't want you to waste your precious life with me. When we met at the sandbar last week, I was with a few of my friends at a Bachelor party…but I wasn't there looking to honk up with you…because I…prefer the company of males…black males. I'm sorry for the heartache that I may have caused you…and I knew after you told me that you had broken it off with the boat, that I had to leave…and I wish you the best in everything. You'll always have a special place in my honk…but we can never be. Sincerely, Gunther." Obviously Petra was devastated…and confused…and went into a deep depression. What has she done? What will she do now? Has she lost her chance at love? Well, on Friday, the zoo has arranged to take her back to be reunited with her always faithful paddleboat…and I expect a teary reunion…with lots of makeup honking. God, I watch too many cheesy movies.

Rattlesnake Vodka: It's Got Bite!!! - Bayou Bob Popplewell is a rattlesnake rancher / entrepreneur from (clap clap clap clap) deep in the heaaaart o' Texas. The 63-year old has raised rattlers for over twenty years and was looking for a way to make some money…so he sought the ancient Chinese secret that would help him. In his research, he found that in many Asian countries, vendors often mix various snakes and alcohol as elixirs and tonics providing remedies ranging from stronger kidneys to improved eyesight to a stronger Wang. In fact, when I was in China, I had a glass of snake wine…which was basically a jug of wine (yes, a jug of wine) with a snake body floating in it…and it tasted like…wine with a snake floating around in it. So basically wine. Did it improve my eyesight? Well, a few weeks later I got Lasik surgery. Kidneys? Wine'll do that to a certain extent anyway. Wang? How would I know? I didn't get my hair cut that day (I assume I told you about the barber/brothels they have there) and it would look larger by comparison anyway. Anyway, back to the main story…

So Bayou Bob read up on his snake remedies…and decided that he would sell Snake Vodka to the masses. Unfortunately, he forgot one very important step - He doesn't have a liquor license. So the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission obtained a warrant for his arrest…and he surrendered peacefully…and ready to dispute the charges. Popplewell's defense is that it’s a healing tonic and not a beverage…and that he's never actually seen anybody drink it…but alcohol commission agent Scott Jones pointed out that investigators confiscated 429 bottles of snake vodka and one bottle of snake tequila…and at $23 a bottle, that's almost $10,000 worth of reptilian booze. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if that becomes a big souvenir thing for Texas. At twenty bucks a pop, I'd probably grab one…and not drink it…just have it up looking cool on my bar. Who needs a worm in a bottle of tequila when you can have a rattlesnake? Wicked awesome.

Prison Greeting Cards - Do you have a loved one in prison? Are you finding it hard to express just the right sentiment? A Los Angeles company may have the answer. Attorney / entrepreneur Terrye L. Cheathem noticed a market Hallmark wasn't serving and founded Three Squares Greetings, which provides cards for inmates. "With more than 2.5 million people incarcerated in the Unites States today, I saw that there was a tremendous need." Cheathem said she came up with the cards when her brother-in-law served 11 months in prison. She said she went searching for the appropriate greeting card, but couldn't find what she was looking for. "There weren't any cards on the shelf that said anything like, 'Hey, you must make better choices'. "This is one product no one wants to receive and no one wants to buy, but if you need it, it's there." Okay, so she's not the best marketer in the world…but she makes them up herself…and here are some of her signature Hallmark moments: "We are all praying for you while you do your time" or "You had the choice to be 'naughty or nice.' And you chose ... Oh well, now you have to do your time" Okay, not the best lines out there…or really even that reassuring…but here are some others that I'd try out (just gimme a cut, that's all I ask) and fellow bloggers, please feel free to throw in a few of your own:

  • "Wish You Were Here" (Picture of a beachside barbecue with topless volleyball in the background)
  • "Representin' for Both of Us" (Picture of his brother with inmate's wife…and girlfriend)
  • "Still Haven't Found That One-Armed Man…But We're Trying"
  • "So Is It True?" (Soap on a Rope)
  • "Okay, so here's what I've got so far…" (Poor escape plan of the facility)
  • "Takin' It To The Man, One Drop At A Time" (Urinating into a squad car's gas tank)
  • "To Keep You Warm At Night" (Adriana Lima picture that JL Clyde gave me yesterday)
  • "We Love You, Miss You, & Wish You the Best" (Basically the reason most of these things are written by hand anyway)

Gotta Love What You Do - Soraya Lowell is a 38-year old Scottish mother of four who makes a living by cleaning. Over Easter weekend, she won the National Bingo Game in the United Kingdom with the largest jackpot in the game's history of over a million British pounds (about $2.3 million). Her family is basically set for life now…but shockingly enough, she has no intention of quitting her day job. "I don't intend to give up my job. I like the girls I work with, and they have already said to me 'don't pack it in'. I haven't slept at all but I will be back at work on Tuesday as usual." It just goes to show that if you enjoy your job, then you'll never work a day in your life. There's a lot to be said for that. I mean, I enjoy my job for the most part (did a lot more a few months/years ago) because of the people that I work with & the fact that I can travel around the world at a fraction of the cost. Now, if I had just won a $2.3 million jackpot, would I return to work the next day? Yeah, more than likely. Depending on how early I had to be there, of course. Would I work there over the next few years? Possibly. They'd sure have to watch how the hell they treated me over that time…but they're good people. Would I work there if they took away travel and other benefits? I would sign my letter of resignation with a yellow-ink pen. Congratulations on your winnings, Mrs. Lowell. I wish you & your family nothing but the best…but it sounds like you're already off to a good start. To all the rest of you, I wish the same in the careers that you've chosen. Make that money, don't let it make you.

Anyway, that'll do it for me today. Have a great night everybody...and I'll see ya tomorrow.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Update in the World of Dr. Love

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I'd like to start off by wishing a Happy Birthday to my Stepdad. He's one of the nicest guys that I know. He takes a LOT of grief from my brother…but that's mainly because my brother's an inconsiderate asshole who doesn't appreciate anything most of the time. His son (my stepbrother) is also the same way most of the time. His family is…well, kind of crazy…but lucky him, he married my mom and makes her incredibly happy…so I make sure that he's happy whenever I can. Don't get me wrong, I still give him some grief about sleeping something like 20 hours a day and not working out & eating right like he should (overweight & diabetic) and procrastinating everything like paying bills…but he's a great guy and that's why I'm wishing him this Happy Birthday…because I'm sure that I'm one of the few people who will and he deserves to be recognized. Thanks for making my mom happy…and my suggestion is to keep making her happy…or else. Just playin' big guy. You rock!!!

Who else rocks & is celebrating a birthday today? HELLOOOOOO BROOKLYYYYYN!!! Yup, my buddy Brooklyn from various posts including Vegas is celebrating her birthday today…and in proper fashion with a Wednesday night party at Murphy's in downtown Slick City. Come one, come all…and don't forget to buy the birthday girl a beer. That's where I'll be as soon as I'm off work tonight. Ah memories of the two of us getting s**t faced in Vail, Scotland, and other drinking communities…okay, so the memories may not be there…but that's why we have cameras, right? Anyway, happy birthday Brooklyn!!!

Also, I have yet to congratulate my good friend Heater on accepting her new position within the company and moving to Cleveland. My apologies for not congratulating her in the blogosphere earlier. I blame it on repressing the situation and hoping that she would change her mind…but alas, she has already sold her house and is ready to move on with her life. It's another one of those bittersweet moments - sad that she's leaving but glad that she's got a good job and can support her family. Man, in the space of a week, most of the eye candy at my workplace left. Bubbles, JJ, Heater, Foxy (oh yeah, she's gone now too), and various others…all moving on…leaving me here with the Mad Scientist & Captain Monty to try and cheer me up. (Sigh) Oh well, congratulations Heater!!! We'll miss you!!! Say bye to Peanut & the Queen for me!!!

I'm super excited about this weekend…because I get to spend a lot of time with my friends. Tonight's Brooklyn's birthday bash at Murphy's and there will certainly be a few other cool cats there. Tomorrow, after work I'm hanging with my Wingman while he's in town. Friday, I'm donating blood in the morning…and then going to the Utah Symphony Video Games Live concert with JL Clyde (blood loss and people dressing up like Princess Toadstool should make it a trippy experience). Saturday, Bubbles & I are going to the Blaze game (by the way, she called in for the ticket last night). Sunday…I'll work…but it should still be cool…because I'm getting paid. Good times. Anyway, here's some news...

Once Upon A Time in Mexico - This is something straight out of a Robert Rodriguez movie. Mexican soldiers battling a violent drug gang and corrupt local police confiscated a sport utility vehicle decked out with extras worthy of a James Bond movie. Cartel members rammed their SUV into a military truck patrolling in the state of Tamaulipas and threw a hand grenade before making their escape with the help of local police. Following a shootout with the gang, soldiers said they arrested four municipal police and confiscated an armored Jeep Grand Cherokee equipped with a smoke machine and spike sprayer meant to deter pursuers. Soldiers also confiscated dozens of rifles, pistols and hand grenades, 3,000 of rounds of ammunition and $20,000 (like a billion pesos) in cash. Mexican President Felipe Calderon deployed thousands of soldiers and federal police to hot-spots across Mexico, where cartel violence has killed more than 300 people so far this year and left more than 2,500 dead in 2007. Soldiers busting drug smugglers in Mexico often uncover federal police uniforms, sophisticated radio equipment and even gold-plated pistols and assault rifles. That's right, there really are criminals that like to use the gold-plated pistols…probably inspired by Castor Troy too (Nicolas Cage in "Face/Off" for those of you who aren't geeks like me). Some people claim that violence is glamorized by Hollywood…but either the reports of all the soldiers are true accounts…or they all watched the same action movie marathon at the Tequileria afterwards. Como se dice "I can eat a peach for hours" en espanol?

Milla Update - While we're all waiting for my baby mama to drop out a gorgeous child…and the upcoming release of her latest movie "Azazel" directed by Paul Verhoeven, which is still in pre-production…in the meantime, the lovely Milla Jovovich will be starring in David Twohy's "A Perfect Getaway", a thriller from the writer / director that brought you "Pitch Black" and "The Chronicles of Riddick". The story revolves around a newlywed couple (Milla & Steve Zahn) on their honeymoon in Hawaii and run into two hikers (Timothy Olyphant of "Hitman" and Kiele Sanchez of "Lost") who turn out to be vicious killers. Sounds hot, right? No, not the psycho killer plot. The fact that she's playing newlywed to a fellow Steve. Why deny it, Milla? You know what you want…and it's waiting for you here in Utah. Did I mention that I'm a director too? That's right a director named $teve with Eastern European heritage. I'm your type. Just think about it…but don't take too long, okay?

Panda Update - Since my Panda Porn was introduced to the Chengdu Panda Breeding & Research Center during my visit nearly three years ago, the percentage of Pandas that can naturally have sex has risen (tehehe) from 10% to 30%. However, that's still not enough hot Panda action…and more importantly for them, baby making so that future generations will survive…even if we're not around to enjoy them. So when natural intercourse, artificial insemination, Panda eHarmony, encouraged breeding, pornography, interspecies erotica with hot Grizzly-on-Koala action, and "Panda Gone Wild: Sichuan Style" doesn't work, what's the next step to turning these prudish Pandas into p***y packin', ass-slappin' Kings of Indochina? A new "Sexercise" program!!! (Yet another idea that I had…but was rejected by 24 Hour Fitness) It starts with making male pandas walk on their two hind legs to strengthen their pelvic and hip muscles, to better prepare them for sex. This is achieved by luring them up with an apple, looking remarkably like a dance routine and is aimed to boost the animal's sexual stamina. They are also put through a fitness and sensory stimulation program. (I'm frankly a little curious about how that's done…but I’m picturing some of the hot, young Asian vets that bathe them 'stimulating' certain areas) In one experiment, a male panda is placed in a den normally occupied by a female panda, and vice versa, so that they can smell each other's odor. Not sure exactly how wise that is…since I have no fear in letting it rip in MY den…but that's because I have Febreze. I'm not sure if that stuff's exactly Panda strength. When the two show signs of wanting to have sex, they are placed in the same den. The report did not say if the experiment has been successful. Randy pandas are also showcased having sex in front of their inexperienced counterparts to show the latter how it's done. Hopefully, the randy pandas aren't the other panda's parents…because that'd be awkward…but there's so few randy ones out there, that may be a possibility…and probable cause for prudishness.

Anyway, long story slightly shorter, OUR job is being done on the Eastern Front…and if Pandas don't want our help, I think that a few of these experiments are actually pretty good ideas…and should be utilized for us humans. Sure, the porn thing has been done to death. Artificial insemination has done great things for some of my family & friends. Interspecies Erotica really doesn't do anything for me…but there's a certain market for it near the border apparently. I really think that the "Sexercise" program would really work out though. Basically that's all I see Yoga & Pilates as anyway. Heck, I even see Jazzercise as a "Okay, I only have five minutes before I have to head back to work. Make it quick!" workout plan. Anyway, I'll let you all know when I get my gym open…and until then, private lessons are available in reasonably priced packages (tehehe) and you can inquire through the comments section. As with any other workout plan, it may hurt a little bit at first, but once you feel that burn, you'll wanna work out three times a day. Call now, operators are standing by.

Well, that'll do it for tonight, I guess. Have a great night everybody!!! By the way, for more cool photos of San Diego, stop by my buddy Ruben's blog. Apparently my blog about San Diego a few weeks back inspired him and his wife Erica to go there for a few days. LOTS of great pictures. Have a great night...and be safe out there!!!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

I Am Fresh

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I slept like a good baby last night. As soon as my head hit the pillow immediately after I got home just after midnight, I didn't wake up until some jackass decided to race his dirt bike down the street in front of my house…but it was probably a good thing…because it was after 11 AM. I am now fully refreshed from the Vegas trip and ready to get back into the usual swing. (Sigh) Anyway, I did get to check out "I Am Legend" today for the first time. When I asked people about it, they said it was really good…but the thing that they mentioned the most was "Why did they kill the dog?" "What?" (Tears welling up) "They didn't have to do it. He was a good dog." "Oh man, now I don't wanna watch the movie." "No, it's a good movie and all…but just be prepared." Not only was it a dog…but it was a beautiful German Shepherd…named Sam…that looked & acted exactly like the German Shepherd named Sam that I had growing up (my dad was a K-9 cop for a while and we had some great dogs named Sam, X, and Zurek). So yeah…I cried a little bit…but in a manly fashion. The movie really was good. There were a few questions that I had during it that were never answered…but that's like a lot of sci-fi semi-futuristic plague movies. A note to scientists out there: Be careful when you say that you can improve viruses…because you'll never know what aspects you'll improve until it's too late. I also loved that the only soundtrack to the movie was Bob Marley…and my two favorite songs no less. Starts off with him singing "Three Little Birds" to his puppy…and then when a lady who somehow has never heard of Bob Marley enters the movie, my reaction is "Play her Stir It Up. Putty in your hands, Fresh Prince." So he does…and I am pleased. Oh yeah…and there's something about zombie vampire mutants in the movie…so yeah, you should check it out. I give it four stars…but don't say that I didn't warn you about the dog.

As I mentioned during my Vegas trip, I was watching the NCAA Men's college basketball tournament a.k.a. March Madness (and love for the ladies' tourney as well) and I find one thing particularly hilarious & hypocritical all at the same time. As you may have heard, I think that Bobby Knight is a jackass. He's the former coach of Indiana who threw chairs & choked kids and all that stuff…while saying that education is important and that his kids should stay in school…apparently so that he could tenderize their necks some more. Anyway, he recently resigned as coach of Texas Tech, who surprisingly offered him a job after being kicked out of Indiana for repeated offenses. Throughout his career, he has shown a certain…we'll say disdain for the Media (can't really blame him there…but he brings it on himself by being a jackass & assaulting teenagers). So how ridiculous is it…to see him on ESPN throwing in his two cents about the tournament every couple of hours? Such hatred for the Media…and then a few weeks after leaving his team, he joins them…or is rather assimilated to them like they're the Borg or something. I did see his first talk on there…where he said "I'm not Media, I'm an analyst" and former Notre Dame coach Digger Phelps responded with the obvious "You're Media now, just accept it" or something to that effect. Congratulations Bobby!!! I'm sorry to see you join the Media…but not because I think sports media is as evil as other realms & you're going against your beliefs…but because I'm sorry that I have to look at you while watching college basketball now.

I Thought She Looked Familiar - So the millionaire owner of the "Girls Gone Wild" video franchise (which can be summed up in two sounds "WHEOOO-HOOOOO!!!") offered Ashley Alexandra Dupre (the Spitzer callgirl) one million dollars for pictures to help launch their new magazine and an arrangement of other services (mostly internet) that they're offering…but then they stumbled upon old tapes from four years ago on a business trip to Miami…and saw that they already had pictures and video of her from her 18th birthday celebration. So instead of having to pay one million dollars cash (because a check may bounce like silicone…and that's how playas roll), she's already signed the appropriate waivers years ago…so no deal. I still expect her to be on a VH1 Reality show soon…maybe she'll join my "First Lady" idea. You remember, right? The first reality show would be me running for governor or mayor or something on pure BS and charisma…and then the sequel to it would be a Bachelor rip-off called "First Lady" and she could be a contestant. It could work. I'd be willing to allow it. Anyway, obviously her night job pays pretty well…so she should be okay in the meantime.

Kudos to the "Girls Gone Wild" guy too. They keep suing him…and he keeps getting away. Why? She signed the papers when she was drunk. "Your honor, that can't be an admissible signature. For God's sake, she dotted her I with a heart and threw a smiley face at the end." "Counselor, I'm going to allow it…because according to the plaintiff's driver's license, that is how she signs her name. In fact, it looks like a phone number was written on the end of the waiver with a little note…(reading glasses) Hotel Belvedere, Room 112, bring the camera, it's my birthday, Staci…with the smiley face dot. Ruling for the defendant. Case closed." Watch what you drink & hang with people that you trust, ladies. It's the best way to go to make sure that you can cash in on your million dollars a few years later.

Olympic Rings - There has been a lot of talk recently about the upcoming 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing. Some countries are talking about boycotting because of their oppressive reign over Tibet. Athletes are also concerned about the deathly polluted skies over the venues. It really is pretty bad. I've seen it first hand…after a rain…and within an hour it's back to an inversion of smog. However, there's also a far more basic concern that I'm surprised really hasn't been recognized before…and it's the waste problem…human waste that is. For anybody who has traveled to the mystical land of China, we have walked into their restrooms (or WC water closets), opened a stall (if they had stalls), and noticed that there was a hole in the ground. "Oh, this one must be getting replaced. They should put a sign up." So you walk to the next one…and there's a hole in the ground. "What?" Then you go to your local guide and ask them about it…and they look at you like you just asked them about using the three seashells (Demolition Man rules). Yes, an incredible majority of the toilets in China are basically holes in the ground…and ladies, that goes for you too. Beijing is expecting over 50,000 visitors for the Olympics…and a vast number of athletes, delegates, journalists, and other VIPs. The deputy director of venue management Yao Hui suggested that they set up temporary relief for the visitors since fully renovating all 37 venues would be ridiculous since the BILLION permanent residents are used to it. You win this round China…but don't be offended if our aim is a little off. We're new at this whole brown bombing thing without leaves for toilet paper and a hunting rifle by our side.

Honestly, my biggest concern for the athletes…will be them eating the 'interesting' local cuisine…and then forgetting to take their prescription strength antacid pills (recommended by the Passport Commission) and then they spend the rest of the day hovering over a hole in the ground until their legs burn…and then are asked to play basketball the next morning…or run the 120 M hurdles…or do a floor exercise. Oh man, I just got an image of that last one. "Tonya Summers of the USA starts her routine. She seems really nervous…but that's to be expected on a stage of this measure. Oh, excellent landing on the first pass. Yes, as I was saying, on a stage of this measure, televised in over 200 countries in over a hundred languages, millions around the world…and it's always an honor to represent the Red, White, and BROWN!!! Oh dear God!!! Oh my, that is…embarrassing. Now we know why she was sweating so much. Wow. That is disgusting. Can we please get a mop out on the pads? Quickly. Oh my. Hopefully that wipes write off and doesn't stain. Somebody could get really hurt."

NEWS FLASH!!! Guys Have No Clue - According to a recent study at Indiana University, more often than not, guys interpret even friendly cues, such as a subtle smile from a gal, as a sexual come-on. Why? Because guys are clueless…or obvious to the emotional subtleties of non-verbal cues. Lead researcher Coreen Farris says, "Young men just find it difficult to tell the difference between women who are being friendly and women who are interested in something more." Some might think the results come down to "boys being boys," and so even the slightest female interest sparks sexual fantasy…but the study, to be detailed in the April issue of the journal Psychological Science, also found that it goes both ways for guys (hehe, goes both ways…). They mistake females' sexual signals as friendly ones. The researchers suggest guys have trouble noticing and interpreting these subtleties in either direction. The study was funded by the National Institute of Mental Health (Rats of NIMH?) and the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse & Alcoholism (really?). Anyway, if you'd like there's more on the link…or you can renew your subscription to Psychological Science again.

Reading women and their actions, to me, is like reading ancient Sanskrit…without a Rosetta stone. That's why I tend to play dumb (that's right, it's playing) and wait for something insanely obvious & sexual to be suggested…and then go from there. I typically get the hint about the time a girl shows some passion & effort towards me…and even then it has to be REALLY obvious for me to catch it. I'm not very subtle…and besides, I like passionate people. Granted, it's probably not the best path…but it's among the safest…and I haven't had a sexual harassment lawsuit brought against me…yet. By the way, what's the ugh…statute of limitations on something like that? Any pre-law peeps out there? Anyway, back to my faint point. Ladies, we really don't have a clue. You know it. We know it. You play with it. We try to. Whatever. Until that magical transition happens to where guys understand women and their incredible complexity, I'm just gonna dangle the hook out there and see if I get a nibble. Okay, I was going to go into a incredibly obvious & poorly executed metaphor about throwing some back and taking the good ones home for a dinner for two…but then that made me think of something about the trip back from Vegas…so here goes that story.

While waiting for our flight in Vegas, my brother Kiel, Ashley, & I were sitting and drinking water & eating greasy pizza and stuff like that. Why? It was on sale, of course. Quit asking questions…and turn down the lights. Anyway, a large bearded gentleman sat down two seats from me…and made a call to somebody. I assume it was his manager or something, because then he's says something along the lines of "So yeah, I've got a few more that I wanted you to hear. Are you sitting down? By the computer? Okay, ready? Okay. I do this one routine where I talk about a condiment wedding…" and he goes on with a tirade of stereotype stupidity like soy sauce getting in an accident on the way there, blah blah blah. "I have this other one where I talk about Jimmy Durante salsa dancing. One-two-Ha-cha-cha-cha, One-two-Ha-cha-cha-cha!!! What do you think? Is it funny? Really? Well, in context it sounds kind of funny, right? No? Alright, I'll keep working on it." So basically, we were probably listening to one of the world's worst comedians…sell his manager on his stand-up routine…and he bombed. At least it wasn't in front of a drunken crowd…just a hungover one. The three of us kind of exchanged glances at one another listening to him with expressions like "Are you kidding me? This guy's hella lame." I'm sure it's tough being a comedian and all…but come on. Anyway, that story's over now. You're welcome.

Well, that should do it for today. JL Clyde is the lucky winner of the free Utah Symphony Video Games Live concert ticket this Friday…but she prefers soccer to American football…so the other ticket for the Blaze game is still up for grabs. Otherwise, I may just have to find me a stranger on a Saturday night to entertain. Hmm, maybe that's not a bad idea. Anyway, have a great day everybody…and I'll catch up with you tomorrow. Oh…and Happy Anniversary to my brother & sister-in-law!!!

Where should I go next?