Little did I know that as I was blogging on Christmas Eve, a fairly substantial snowfall was befalling (I know it's not proper grammar or context…and I don't care) outside my window. After excavating my car from its frozen burial, I took to the streets to make my way to my step-grandparents' house for the Christmas Eve party. Unfortunately, it appeared the snow was falling too quickly for the plows to clear off even the major routes such as State Street here in Slick City. About ten minutes (and half a mile) into my journey, I found myself surrounded on all sides by either motorists whose cars had slid into awkward positions and couldn't move, were sideswiped by other sliding automobiles, or simply had jerkasses behind the steering wheels (SUVs & 4x4s mostly). So after being stuck there for about 30 minutes, I made the call to let my family know that I would be spending Christmas Eve alone at my house because I didn't want to risk injury…and I was going to see them in the morning anyway, so it was all good, right? Yeah, I felt like crap for doing it…but that's what I keep telling myself, it was for the best. Not the first time that I've done it…and probably won't be the last.
So for Christmas Eve, I decided that I would watch a heartwarming tale…and there were plenty on the television this night…but instead I started with a curveball. I decided that I would FINALLY watch "Stardust" with Claire Danes, Robert DeNiro, and the always lovely Michelle Pfeiffer. It was actually a very cute film about true love, fantasy, imagination, dreams, and all that hogwash. I thoroughly enjoyed it, especially the parts with Michelle Pfeiffer. Now, I realize that she was supposed to be an evil witch and throughout the movie she gets uglier and uglier…but I started to realize…that it probably took 4-5 hours of makeup to make her even semi-hideous. The woman is absolutely gorgeous. Anyway, it's a great flick…and if you don't see it for anything else, there's a scene where Robert DeNiro prances around…and he's supposed to be a pirate, Captain Shakespeare. It's even more unsettling than that scene from "Analyze That" where he sings West Side Story tunes. I'm sure he was financially compensated for his actions. Possibly the greatest actor of our time, ladies & gentlemen - Bobby DeNiro.
After that, I did some last minute wrapping and made sure that I had everything ready for Jesus' Birthday Party (you know, in case he decided to show up this year) the next day while 'watching' "A Christmas Story" in the background. It's a classic, of course…and I still laugh when I hear the father say, "Fra-jee-lee, it must be Italian." "I think it says fragile, dear." I believe that just about everybody likes this movie because they can draw at least some comparisons to their own life. Whether it's the father, the mother's Christmas spirit, the annoying little brother, the dream present as a kid, friends at school doing stupid stuff like sticking their tongue to a flagpole, all of the above, it's just a nice stroll down Memory Lane for most people. That's why it's a classic. It still happens without fail that my brother & I will be walking through Wal-Mart and we'll meander by the sporting goods section and he'll see a paintball gun that strikes his interest. "Dude, you should totally get me this for Christmas." "You'll shoot your eye out, kid." Classic…because it never gets old.The next morning, as I showered, I wondered if the city had cleaned the streets a little better…and I was a little worried about other people making it home safely last night (even after text messages and calls to check). However, when I stepped outside and saw the street in front of my house fairly clean, I was relieved that the major streets would be even better. I loaded up my sleigh with presents and set out for my dad's Christmas party first, here in Slick City. My dad, stepmom, brother, sister-in-law, Kairi, and my stepsister Amber & her son Canon were there. I don't think that I've mentioned my stepsister before on this blog…and if I had, it was a long, long time ago…but she's probably the greatest single mom that I know…and my nephew Canon is a great kid who just started kindergarten. Now, I figured that you'd expect me to say that he's a great kid…but he really is. Well-behaved, good-mannered, sweet, thoughtful, loving, and of course does all the usual kid stuff…like getting super-excited about Christmas and his family. My hat's off to Amber for all the great child rearing that she has done…and frankly, all by herself. (The baby daddy's a Maxi-douche Extreme) Anyway, here are some pictures…
Kairi & Kelaudri opening presents
- Jesus Action Figure - Thank you Mad Scientist!!!
- Various Cookies, Candies, and Cakes
- Asian Cookware Set - Wok, plates, chopsticks, etc. all with the expressed intent of me using them to cook for ladies. Always willing when they show up, guys. Now I can wok out with my...clock out. You know, to make sure I don't overcook. Thanks Dad & Stepmom!!!
- Spaghetti Cookware set - Basically for the same thing. Thanks Aunt Pat!!!
- 80 GB iPod - Thank you mommy!!!
- The Simpsons Movie - Thanks bro!!!
- Chia Bart (and a bottle of Schmerschmodka) - Thanks Bubbles!!!
- Self-setting Alarm Clock - Thanks Step-grandparents!!!
- Boxers that say "Blogworthy" all over them, Boxers that have a joystick in the front, and a Shirt that reads "Good Pirates Get More Booty!!!" - Thanks mom…again!!!
- Cool artistic ceramic pot - Thanks Filly!!!
This year's Present of the Year, I think you would all agree on…because it's cool, a complete surprise, and quite possibly the perfect gift…because I didn't even know that it EXISTED!!! Big ups to my mom…for the RoboPanda!!!
I seem to remember months ago, having a conversation with my mom about her wanting me to have a pet (she feared I was lonely) and telling her that pets weren't allowed in my apartment. So I guess this was her alternative. An interactive cyborg that senses your presence, tells jokes (probably clean, lame, kiddy jokes) and stories (probably involving pandas in a non-perverted sense), and you can teach it to talk…apparently, it's like a giant Furby…and even has a little stuffed baby panda that it interacts with. Of course, I'm already thinking about teaching it to act…so that it can star in my sequel to the worldwide sensation "Panda Porn" entitled "The Sperminator" about a Robotic Panda sent back through time to save his species from extinction…by well, you can guess from here. Anyway, awesome gift!!! All of them are awesome gifts!!! I am truly blessed to have such great homies & loved ones out there!!! Thanks guys!!! Love y'all madly!!!
Well, because of everybody being ill, we weren't able to check out the newly released "Alien vs. Predator: Requiem" but we do have plans to hopefully see it this weekend. Instead we stuck around the house and checked out some of my brother's new games like "Assassin's Creed" which was really cool. He also got "Rock Band" so we can rock out from an hour's drive away now. If any of you want to jam with us and have Rock Band, let me know and we can jam. I also got to play with the nieces and have a good old time…until they started feeling sick later in the day (they were ill before) and Kairi blasted me with projectile vomit. It's a good thing she's cute…so I didn't rub her nose in it. After that, it was a perilous drive home.
Now, I would like to commend the State of Utah and the city of Slick for cleaning the majority of their roads in a timely manner. However, the city of Ogden…can suck my candy cane when it comes to this facet of civil service. More than 24 hours from when the snow stopped, NOTHING was done to major avenues such as Harrison Boulevard…so now it was a wonderful skating rink for motorists. I nearly got into a wreck, because being at the base of the Rockies, there are some steep roads (and horrible drivers) and there was a truck passing me on the left…and a car about a quarter-mile in front of me that we saw suddenly turn to its side (my guess, unintentionally), so we start tapping our breaks to slow down from the 20 MPH that we're going. It's not really effective for either of us. I'm totally slipping..instinct kicks in, pull to the side to get some snow on the right side of you to help slow you down. I edge slowly towards the side, the snow helps slow down…the front right side, not the back, so now I'm jack knifing a bit. The truck is slowing down…and I'm already thinking of the back side of my car rear ending his truck full of gifts. I turn back into the slide, straighten out a bit, stop. It's about three feet from the truck…and the original turned vehicle is about five meters in front of us chuck full of kids and presents. Luckily, no traffic behind us. The front car straightens out. We all drive off. As soon as we hit US-89 (cleaned by the state) the road was fine and the drive home was spectacular. Again, big ups to UDOT. City of Ogden can suckiteasy. Then I started setting up my new gifts, checked out online Rock Band with my brother, and slept like a baby.
All and all, I'd say that it was a great Christmas Day. I spent time with my loved ones, made out with a major stash of cool stuff, and I even have IOU's for new clothes (Special order because they don't call me Daddy Long Legs for nothing). Again, thank you to everybody out there for being awesome!!! Merry Christmas!!! And a Happy New Year…in a few days!!! Also, remember that Movie Night is Thursday if you're interested (I'm thinking "Witches of Eastwick" will be one of the movies) and my Aunt Missy's Birthday Bash is Saturday Night!!! Come on, come all. Have a great night…and Happy Boxing Day to all my fans in the Commonwealth!!!
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