Charlton Heston & Jodie Foster

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Unfortunately, I have to start today off on a sad note because the great American actor Charlton Heston passed away last night at the age of 84. Though most people probably know him more nowadays as the crazy President of the NRA from 1997-2002, he has also the consummate leading man in motion pictures for about forty years. His performances in movies like "The Ten Commandments", "Ben Hur", "Omega Man", "Planet of the Apes", and "Wayne's World II" are still some of the single greatest performances in history…and he just seemed like a really cool guy. He also had political influence and protested and took a lot of guff from a lot of people (mostly comedians & fellow protestors) but he stood for something…and there's a lot to be said for conviction like that…and you can't deny the charisma. My condolences to his family and I wish them the best.


My little no-Mountain Dew experiment is officially reaching the end of Day Two…and all is well. I'm fine with drinking water and I'm jogging 2-3 times a day now…but only for about twenty minutes at a time. Just whenever I get bored at home with nothing better to do, I'll go for a little jog or do some sit-ups & pushups or whatever. Nothing major…but I'm already feeling a little better just doing stuff as opposed to sitting on my backside (get plenty of that at work). That being said, I did watch two movies today…between joggings.


It was kind of a Jodie Foster day. I watched her new release "The Brave One" with her & Terence Howard. It's about a woman who's with her fiancé…and they're jacked by some jackasses in Central Park. Well, they get away, she wakes out of a coma a few weeks later, and her fiancé is dead. Obviously she goes into depression, then rage, then decides that she should be a superhero and rid the world of bad people…and Terence Howard is the detective investigating her scenes. It's actually really well done…and my summation is really basic…but I figure that if you've seen the preview, you know what it is. I thought it was really good if you're into that kind of movie…and it brings up a few points about Justice and Revenge and coping with lost Love and all that…and how people respond to events in their lives.


After that, I jogged, then returned to watch "Taxi Driver" with Jodie, Robert DeNiro, and Harvey Keitel for the first time in a decade or so. Weird thing was…I was watching this movie…and hearing the narration about how Travis (DeNiro) couldn't sleep and how he basically decides that all girls are crazy and he should focus on honing his body & mind…and I thought to myself, "My God, is that what I sound like on my blog? Am I going a little crazy too?" Granted, I've thought about taking a girl to a dirty movie on a date…but not the first one. Besides, that's what the Cooliseum is for. Anyway, the movie's a classic, DeNiro's a God, Jodie's jailbait, Harvey's a pimp, it's all good Scorsese stuff. Check it out if you haven't already. Now for the news...


Good to be Hova - Well, it appears that rap mogul Shawn Carter a.k.a. Jay-Z has truly made it completely. From selling drugs in the Marcy Projects of Brooklyn to steadily rising the ranks of the rap music game to having a top-selling clothing line to his own vodka to President of Def Jam / Roc-A-Fella Records to part owner of the NBA's New Jersey Nets (bringing them to Brooklyn) and now in the same week, he is apparently about to sign a ten-year, $150 million business deal with promoter Live Nation Inc AND married his girlfriend of six years (and twelve years his junior) R&B singer Beyonce Knowles in a small, secret ceremony on Friday. I actually watched this show yesterday on BET (Black Entertainment Television - still think the name's a little racist, but I still watch it occasionally) about the "Evolution of Jay-Z" and it's simply incredible. The man knows how to succeed. Congratulations, Mr. & Mrs. Carter!!! Wish you the best.


Mariah Passes Elvis - Mariah Carey's newest chart-topping hit "Touch My Body" (which I have yet to hear…but sounds intriguing) is her 18th such single. This moves her past Elvis Aaron Presley's 17 #1 hits into second on the all time list…behind the Beatles and their twenty #1 hits. Now, I like Mariah Carey. She has an amazing voice…and I think it stems from those amazing lungs of hers…and the stems ain't bad either. Do I think that she's the second greatest recording artist of all time? Not at all. I do think that she's a beautiful woman with a beautiful voice who was once married to Columbia Records exec Tommy Mottola, learned to adapt to the changing music scene, had a hell of a team of publicists, marketers, and an entire team of individuals bent on making her one of the top performers of our time. I'm pretty sure that she doesn't even write songs…but I may be wrong, it happens. Congratulations to Mariah and her success!!! You're no Elvis…but you're still awesome…and if I were a rapper, I'd probably have a shot at ya…but I'm not. We can both be sorry for that. Hopefully she's still doing okay after that emotional breakdown stuff a few years ago. If not, gimme a call. We'll talk it out. Or send the jet. That'd work too. Always glad to help a lady.


Study A-Broad - A German law professor was sentenced to three years in prison for giving students better marks in exchange for money and sex. The 53-year old admitted to accepting nearly a quarter-million dollars (though in Euros) for awarding doctorates to students who couldn't cut the grades…and for the female students, all it costs was a little bow chicka bow wow. The court convicted him of 68 counts of corruption (I would have admitted to one more just to get a mentionable number). The professor did so to pay off his substantial debts…and only having a 5000 Euro net monthly salary (which is a six-digit job last I checked). It's not amazing that a teacher has done this...but just that they have done this at that scale. Also, amazing isn't the right word...but mind-boggling seemed too much. I think the reason he got in trouble was because he wasn't an equal opportunity corruptor. Had he decided to charge the girls or gigoogidy the guys, there may have not been a problem. I don't know what it is with schools nowadays…but they're getting crazy. Like those nine-year old kids that were going to jack their elementary teacher, I'm sure you've heard about them on the TV. All this sex between students and teachers, I don't know…it makes me wanna get back into school a little bit…but not that much…because I don't have good luck with attractive teachers.


Is That A Snake in Your Pocket? - In Lansing, Michigan, a woman stole a boa constrictor from a pet store by slipping the snake down her pants. The 20-inch snake was worth $174 but the owner of the shop didn't seem to care about the money. "I am far less concerned for the person than for the snake." Perhaps the snake took a liking to the warm, moist environment presented to him/her…but for some reason, I sincerely doubt it. I've been to a few pet shops in my day…and the kind of ladies that would steal things out of there probably have a bunch of cats already. If I were that snake I'd find somewhere safe to hide…and constrict for dear life. I don't know what it is...but pet shop cashiers are usually really, really cute. Sure, they're usually card-carrying PETA members...but they seem like they'd have a freaky side. Anybody else feeling me on that? I'm picturing them with the snake...and it's something out of "From Dusk Til Dawn" meets "Across the Universe", by which I mean FIVE Salma Hayeks with snakes. Mmmm.....


Wanted: Drinking Buddy - Englishman Mike Hammond put an advertisement in his village post office reading "Wanted: Person to accompany elderly gentleman to the pub" for his 88-year old widowed father to have a drinking buddy. Since then, there have been quite a number of applicants…but here are the qualifications & benefits. The successful applicant must not be a woman, a teenager or "somebody who is just going to get wrecked. Dad is not a heavy drinker." His father likes women, he said, but it would be a little bit awkward going out to the pub with a lady he didn't know. (What's wrong with making an old man happy?) The job pays 7 pounds per hour (about $15/hour) plus expenses. I'll tell you what, if I lived in the area, I'd gladly apply to be a drinking buddy for $15 an hour plus expenses. However, there's also great potential in this. I haven't put a whole lot of thought into it quite yet…but this could be something pretty sweet. Somebody's just looking for a buddy to talk to…and I've been told by a number of people that "there's just something about you that makes me feel like I can talk to you for hours" and it's about time that I got paid for it…since I'm a non-profit psychiatrist / gigolo. By the way, the reason you feel comfortable around me…is because I'm a sweet guy who's usually genuinely interested in what you're saying…so I'm a good listener…and I think you're awesome…oh, and I'm a sucker for smiles…and that's what you get when you earnestly listen to people. I enjoy it…pro bono.


By the way, thank you Jlee for your input yesterday about my sister-in-law's tattoo…but I was able to find a pretty good website to find out what it means. When Ash told me about it, she said that it meant "Beautiful" but didn't know for certain…and I knew that the symbol on the left was "Woman" but couldn't recall the right symbol. So then we started thinking "Did you know this guy? Maybe it means Easy Woman or something like that?" We looked up "beautiful" on a few websites and it was different symbols…so that freaked her out a little bit more, so then I vowed to get to the bottom of it. Looked it up, sent her a text saying "I found out on the web what your tattoo means...and it's Complaining or Bitchy Woman. Sorry. That's what you get for not having a Chinese man do it." Don't worry, a few minutes later I sent her another text, "I'm just jerking ya…it means Beautiful. Just wasn't what we showed the other day." That relieved her. Here it is again, just for your own reference, a Chinese symbol for "Beautiful" pronounced yan…because I think you're all beautiful. Have a great night!!!

Live from Slick City, It's Saturday Night

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night, I noticed a bit of an oddity concerning my iPod. I was looking through my index of some 3500 songs and realized something. The Top 3 Artists on my iPod with respect to number of songs are: Jay-Z, Nat King Cole, & Queen. The bronze medal holder just beat out artists like 50 Cent, Kanye West, the Beatles, Marvin Gaye, Eric Clapton, and Busta Rhymes...but still...can you think of a more interesting trio of musical personalities to have in the same room? I mean...possibly the leading symbols of Hip-Hop, 50's Jazz, and Glam Rock...together on my PIMP (Personal Interest Music Player). Anyway, I just thought that it was interesting...but I'm easily amused. Jigga, Nat, & Freddy. Weird. Speaking of weird, here's a picture from Nat & Jay-Z hanging out in the early 60's where there should be a caption saying "Okay jigga, how do I put up that diamond symbol again?" Anyway, here's the news. I have done nothing else of even remote interest yet today.

Basic Instinct 3 or Hostel 3? - In Beijing, a 19-year old Chinese student recorded the killing and dismembering of her married lover by her boyfriend. She, her boyfriend, and another male accomplice (cameraman?) had all been arrested after the killing last month. The 39-year old victim was a married manager at a local highway & building company and met the student as a hostess at a nightclub. According to the newspaper's report, the body was cut into "hundreds of pieces…both out of hatred and aimed at making the body unrecognizable." Truly creepy. There are a few lessons to be learned from this situation though. First & foremost, don't cheat on your wife…especially with a crazy chick that you found at a nightclub who then invited you back to her place…where her boyfriend & his buddy are laying down a tarp, setting up cameras, coordinating lighting, and sharpening various tools. Also, colleges in China aren't all they're cracked up to be…because apparently in rush of killing somebody, then trying to make them unrecognizable, they forgot about that pesky DNA evidence that can be traced back to the owner. I smell a new sexy psychotic thriller though. I don't know about the rest of you. How about this? Opening scene: A British businessman is relaxing after a long day at a respectable Thai gentleman's club. He and a particular dancer are getting exceptionally close…then an offer is made…at a price he can't refuse. Skip to hot, steamy, passionate orgy of blood & confusion in a dark room. The fatal slash then reveals the movie title - "Thai Down" or something like that. Maybe a continuation of the Basic Instinct movies. I don't know. Do with the idea what you will.

Snakes on a Plane 2 - Speaking of unnecessary sequels, in Vietnam, the government seized suspicious cargo on a flight from Bangkok…and it was over a TON of rat snakes. The really odd thing is that it's the second time in a month were freight had been seized. Last time it was roughly 1500 pounds of snake. "There is a great possibility that Vietnam is only a transit point of the cargo," it said, adding that the snakes were transferred to an animal caring station nearby. So…there's a market for these rat snakes? I guess they replace cats over there in Asia or something as far as rodent handlers so that cats can be used for…other things…whatever that may be. I'm not one to spread stereotypes. Oh, by the way, Vietnamese neighbors of mine ate my dog a few years ago. No joke. I'm sure this market for rat snakes is something completely different though…like the emerging Chinese fashion industry and it's glorious selection of fine snake-skin boots and matching purses.

I Know Who Killed Me Too - That's right, there's a theme. Good friend Lindsay Lohan will soon be working at a morgue as part of her punishment for misdemeanor drunken driving. She has already spent two months in rehab here in Utah and done other community service projects…but will work two four-hour days as part of a court-ordered program to show drivers the real-life consequences of drinking & driving. Not a bad idea really. She will also spend two days working in a hospital emergency room. Oh…and she was in jail for 84 minutes and 17 seconds. Anyway, we all wish Lindsay the best…and I'm a little torn…because I've seen that "I Know Who Killed Me" was almost unanimously the worst movie of 2007…but is it worth watching to see Lindsay strip? Anybody have an opinion on that? I figure if she's not returning my text messages anymore that I might as well see the goods. Also, Lindsay, I'm not feeling the blonde hair. It seems that ever since you let Paris Hilton do your hair, you've gone from sexy celebrity crazy to f**king bananas crazy cat lady crazy. Maybe the hair has something to do with it. Just a thought.

Home Alone 4 - In Mesa, Arizona, ninth-grader Michael Six locked himself in his bedroom, grabbed an aluminum baseball bat and hid in his closet and after seeing a man use a screwdriver to break open a sliding-glass door of his home. He then dialed police and was talking to a 911 operator when the intruder used the screwdriver to get into his room. As the burglar rummaged through Michael's backpack, Michael stepped out and swung the bat. The burglar cursed as Michael nailed him on the back and shoulder, and Michael can be heard on the 911 tape yelling, "Sorry, man!" The intruder managed to take the bat away from the boy and fled. Police later arrested the intruder. Nice weird little story for y'all. Michael Six is an interesting name too. I wonder if he has a hot sister named Seven of Nine. Mmm, I think that's the picture that I'm going to put with this post…as I'm sure you've already noticed. Is the new Star Trek movie going to star Jeri Ryan? Then it's not worth seeing in my humble opinion. Now, let's go with our next Movie List for the day…

Saturday Night Live Movies

Medal Winners

Gold - Wayne's World (1992-93) - "EXTREME CLOSEUP!!! WOOOOOOH!!! Party on, Wayne!!! Party on, Garth!!!" It has been proven that if you don't like this movie, then you no longer own your soul. This movie launched Mike Myers into superstardom…and gave Dana Carvey the ability to make "Master of Disguise" (don't waste your time). Also starring the likes of Tia Carrere, Rob Lowe, Christopher Walken, Lara Flynn Boyle, Brian Doyle-Murray (SNL alum Bill's brother), Kurt Fuller, and cameos from Chris Farley & Charlton Heston, this movie is great. Also, it has been tested…and proven to reduce MASSIVE amounts of stress if you're currently suffering from a Class 9 Emotional Meltdown. You're welcome, Mr. & Mrs. Wingman.

Silver - Blues Brothers (1980) - John Belushi, we hardly knew thee. Again, please stay away from drugs. Anyway, Mr. Belushi & Dan Aykroyd play brothers Jake & Elwood Blues who are "on a mission from God" to raise $5000 to save the church that they were raised in. In order to do so, they have to get the band back together…and embark on a wondrous musical journey where they run into the likes of Ray Charles, James Brown, Aretha Franklin, Carrie Fisher, John Candy, Frank Oz, Charles Napier, Chaka Khan, Paul Reubens, and many others. There are car chases, general wackiness, and best of all…SOUL!!! A must see…and the 1998 sequel with John Goodman replacing the late Belushi wasn't half bad…but it couldn't compare with the original.

Bronze - The Ladies Man (2000) - Honestly, this is just one of my favorite movies…for the simple fact that Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) is pretty much my alter ego of Dr. Mookie Tockenbaut Love. On his late night talk show, he basically listens to people's everyday problems…and offers his professional suggestions…sometimes with a colorful story from his trips to Asia…or as he refers to it "Freaky Deaky Sexworld" and then end it with a glass of Courvoisier. Let's see. Who else is in this movie? Will Ferrell, Eugene Levy, Karyn Parson, Julianne Moore, Tiffani Amber-Thiessen, Tamala Jones, and the man himself, Billie Dee "Lando Calrissian" Williams as the narrator. I like to think that if my life had a narrator (think "Stranger Than Fiction") that Billie Dee would be the voice. Maybe Isaac Hayes or something…but his slight Southern accent can be a little thick sometimes.

Suggestion - Night at the Roxbury (1998) - How lame am I? My brother & I will be in public…and because of our height, we'll be asked one of two questions. Either "Do you guys play basketball?" to which we'll reply "Do you play miniature golf?" or "Are you guys brothers?" to which we'll reply "Noooo. YEEEEES!!! AH, EVERY TIME!!!" Just watch this movie about the Butabi Brothers (Will Ferrell & Chris Kattan) and you'll understand where that joke is from…and how lame I truly am. Still not sold? How about cameos by Chazz Palminteri, Dan Hedaya, Loni Anderson, Colin Quinn, Molly Shannon (check out "Superstar" too), Richard Greico, and Eva Mendes (she's a bridesmaid). This movie does come with a warning though: Prepare to listen to Hadaway's "What is Love?" dance song for about 90 minutes. You may not mind…but then again, you might.

Flush It - It's Pat (1994) - Okay, this movie really isn't THAT bad…but it's based on the overlived skit where people were trying to figure out if a certain individual was either a man or a woman. (Real Life Spoiler: It's Julia Sweeney, female) but the reason it got my flush…and because I have an Aunt Pat who is eerily similar to this character…but only a few inches shorter than me…which adds another dimension to the mystery (that is until she bore a child in 1997…so after this movie was released). My favorite line in the whole movie though…is when Pat is sitting with Chris (its partner, played by Dave Foley) and Chris says "I love to stroke your pussy, Pat." "Yeah. I think Fluffy likes it too." Priceless. I haven't seen "Stuart Saves His Family" (1995) but…it's okay…because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!

Future Watch - The Continental (2010?) - Since SNL has pretty much sucked for over a decade, I'd just like to see Christopher Walken be the Continental for a few hours. That's about the only thing that I could think of…that and seeing SNL alumni like Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Mike Myers, and Will Ferrell make more movies. Big ups to Dennis Miller too. I'm always pleasantly surprised to see him on TV. How about "In Living Color" movies? Wouldn't anybody else like to see Jim Carrey in a "Fire Marshall Bill" movie? Damon Wayans in an "Anton Jackson" or "Homey D. Clown" movie? Jamie Foxx in a cross-dressing role in "Wanda"? Do you think that'd get him another Academy Award? J-Lo stars in "The Fly Girl"? Maybe the other Wayans in a non-Scary Movie? Actually Marlon's doing pretty good for himself at being an established actor and funny man. Anyway, just a thought…but it'll probably never happen.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Have a great evening everybody and I hope to see you at the party tonight!!!

In Space, No One Can Hear You Coming

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night, my Wingman had some family affairs to attend to back home, so I spent the evening...with myself. No big deal at all. I watched "Mr. Woodcock" and I want to save you all two hours by saying that it's not funny...and isn't worth the hassle. Honestly, it didn't even have its moments. Billy Bob Thornton doing his best R. Lee Ermey inpersonation isn't even mildly amusing as he makes fun of fat kids. It's hard to feel for Sean William Scott too...because he's basically a self-righteous jackass who won't stand up for himself...and instead spends all his time & energy on exposing Mr. Woodcock as a jerk instead of making his mom happy, enjoying time with his high school crush, and going on Oprah to talk about his self-help book. Pass. Oh...and they say "Woodcock" more times than the words "The" and "And" combined. I counted. I was bored.

Sarcastic Gasp - The autopsy on the late musician Ike Turner revealed that he died of a cocaine overdose. Sure, the medical examiner's office also listed hypertensive cardiovascular disease and pulmonary emphysema as "significant and contributing factors" to Turner's death but if this is a major shock to ANYBODY who has ever HEARD of Sir Isaac Turner, then you may have him confused with somebody else. If only somebody had predicted this outcome when he died last month. Perhaps the expensive procedure of an autopsy could have been avoided. Oh wait, somebody did. I think everybody did. Please stay away from cocaine. Mr. Turner, I hope that you and your boy Rick James are singing "Love Gravy" when I come through those pearly gates one day...but until then, rock it easy.

When Clowns Cry - Another news flash for that one person that doesn't know, NOBODY LIKES CLOWNS!!! A study by the University of Sheffield found that ALL 250 patients in children's wards, with ages ranging from 4-16, said that they disliked clowns. Can you imagine it? 250 children of varying ages & backgrounds agreeing on one thing? You're bound to at least find one that thought Ike Turner died of natural causes...or that would vote for Hulk Hogan for Prime Minister...or thought that Britney was talented...but all 250 of them agreeing that clowns are horrible? That's amazing!!! Just out of curiousity, do any of you like clowns...or are a clown as a part-time job? I really don't feel one way or the other about clowns...other than using them to my advantage...but I guess this is what it sounds like...when clowns cry.

Swedish Tickler - In the major port city of Goteborg, Sweden, a bomb squad unit was called to disarm a suspicious package. The package was humming and vibrating suspiciously, so police took no chances and sent out a team of explosives experts. After having cordoned off the area, they opened the package with bomb disposal equipment, only to find the battery-operated device inside. It was not a ticking time bomb...but a vibrating sex toy. So instead of explosions at a Scandinavian seaport...it may very well lead to explosions of pleasure in a Norwegian blonde. Nice. Isn't that the overall mission of the United Nations anyway? World peace...and a piece for everyone? Well it should be.

That's a HUGE Rat - Uruguayan scientists say they have uncovered fossil evidence of the biggest species of rodent ever found, one that scurried across wooded areas of South America about 4 million years ago, when the continent was not connected to North America. A herbivore, the beast may have been possibly prey of saber-toothed cats, for a prehistoric version of Tom and Jerry...only larger. Its huge skull, more than 20 inches long, suggested a beast more than eight feet long and weighing between 1,700 and 3,000 pounds. Now those New York rats don't seem so bad, do they? What a time to be alive!!!

What's Blacker Than Black? - U.S. researchers said on Tuesday they have made the darkest material on Earth, a substance so black it absorbs more than 99.9 percent of light. Made from tiny tubes of carbon standing on end, this material is almost 30 times darker than a carbon substance used by the U.S. National Institute of Standards and Technology as the current benchmark of blackness. The material is close to the long-sought ideal black, which could absorb all colors of light and reflect none. What uses does it have? Solar paneling to absorb all the light energy, infrared detection, astronomical observation, a really bitchin' Knight Rider car paint job, and it keeps Wesley Snipes out of the Guinness Book of World Records. Sorry, Mr. Snipes.

It's Dark...and Hell Is Hot - Speaking of darkness, Dark Man X a.k.a. DMX a.k.a. Earl Simmons was ordered to pay $1.5 million to the mother of his child after the rapper-actor-dogfight organizer failed to appear in court to defend himself against allegations of defamation. Defamation? From a rapper? Surely you jest. However, it's not from any of his album referring to her in a negative slanderous tone...but rather from an incident where he told a magazine that his baby mama RAPED HIM during a 2003 hotel stay leading to her pregnancy. Okay, Mr. Simmons. I loved your first few albums...and I respect that you were the first artist to have your first two albums debut at Number One on the charts (look it up, I'm right), but what happened? Allegedly you found Jesus, then you're "raped" at a Maryland hotel...by a woman, then you get involved with the dogfighting ring, now you don't even show up to a hearing for a $6 million lawsuit? You didn't even have a lawyer show up for you...and he won't return calls? What the hell? Unless you're both using medicinal crack or something, this doesn't make sense. I think it's time for an intervention. Anyway, good luck with paying your legal fees. If you need somebody to talk to, get at me dogg. Now to a movie list...

Science Fiction Movies - My bloggin' buddy Pirate Monkey did one last week that was creepily similar to what mine would be...had I done one before...so here's the official $teve list. Kudos to P. Monkey!!! Check out her blog...and Scream Review, it's pretty good.

Medal Winners

Gold - Aliens (1986) - I've talked about this one a few times...and the original Alien (directed by Ridley Scott) is a classic in sci-fi horror suspense. You don't even see the Alien until it comes bursting out of a victim's chest. However, I like this second one more...because there's a lot of guns, explosions, deaths, and badassery throughout. There's really not much that I can say that hasn't been sung by critics and fans alike. James Cameron made a good movie...and check out the extended edition if you ever get the chance. There's a few scenes in there that I particularly liked.

Silver - Blade Runner (1982) - Ridley Scott gets another mention because of this great movie starring Harrison Ford, Sean Young, Rutger Hauer, Edward James Olmos, James Hong, and Daryl Hannah among others. In a cyberpunk vision of the future, man has developed the technology to create replicants, human clones used to serve in the colonies outside Earth but with fixed lifespans. In Los Angeles, 2019, Deckard (Ford) is a Blade Runner, a cop who specializes in terminating replicants. Originally in retirement, he is forced to re-enter the force when six replicants escape from an off world colony to Earth. It's suspenseful, state-of-the-art graphics for early 80's.

Bronze - The Fifth Element (1997) - Are you guys sick of me mentioning this movie yet? Don't blame me. Blame Luc Besson. He's the guy that directed this incredible movie...and cast Milla Jovovich as the Perfect Being...and got Bruce Willis & Gary Oldman to star in it. Take it up with him. In the meantime, just enjoy this great movie in the privacy of your own home...as I do...usually every few months...or whenever I see it flipping through the channels on the weekends. Thank you TBS. Between this, the Matrix, Lord of the Rings, and Con Air, your station is set for life.

Suggestion - 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) - Directed by Stanley Kubrick and it's an odd twisted look at the year 2001 from 33 years earlier. The images are trippy. There's a great feel of isolation and suspense...with that being said, if you're looking for a shoot 'em up kind of movie, pass on this one. It's about 3 hours long & kind of slow...but it builds up to an amazing ending. Also, since this is such a spectacular category, be sure to check out some of my other favorites like "Virtuosity" (1995) with Denzel as a cop & Russell Crowe as a super serial murderer program come to life...and "Serenity" (2005), the big screen adaptation of the ubercool TV series "Firefly" starring everybody's favorite TV Terminator, Summer Glau.

Flush It - Event Horizon (1997) - Have you ever been watching a movie...and thought to yourself (or yelled to the rest of the group watching it), "Did this movie really need to be made?" That was my reaction to this movie. It looked like a trippy 2001 Space Odyssey kind of movie...isolated in the middle of space, the ship turns on them, they struggle to escape...but are surrounded by the endless void of Space Death. Oh but wait...they found a way to go straight to HELL on this ship...and all the super cool special effects are to show grisly and horrible deaths. Awesome...but not really. I also really didn't like the remake of "War of the Worlds" (2005) with Tom Cruise...or really anything that Tommy's done in a while. Many of you who know me personally have seen my Tom Cruise acting impersonation...where I look up (because I'm 4'8" in real life), looked surprised, and run around. No love for the movie at all. I was actually cheering for the aliens to find him...and when they did I stood up & cheered. "FINALLY!!!" On the Spielberg note, I thought that "A.I." (2001) sucked too. How can you screw up a movie with Sexbots? Oh, I know...make it about a little kid robot who whines a bunch and sees dead people. That oughta do it. Honestly, I didn't even finish watching it. I stopped after two hours of pointless nothing. Who cares if the robot can feel? Does that make me an insensitive prick for saying that? Maybe I'm a robot. Movie sucked.

Future Watch - 10,000 B.C. (2008) - Not really a futuristic sci-fi movie like all of these other movies...but still a great science fiction movie...and besides Omar Sharif ("Dr. Zhivago") is in it. Cavemen, sabre-toothed tigers, wooly mammoths, hunters, tribal conflict, Roland Emmerich directing ("Independence Day"), what's not to like? Well, maybe if it's in subtitled Caveman language or something...but hopefully they don't do that. Fingers crossed. Oh...and I'm not excited about the upcoming Star Trek movie in case you were wondering. That's why it's not here in Future Watch. Maybe I would be if I had seen more of the first dozen or so...but I haven't. Oh well. No Shatner + No Stewart = No Care.

Have a great day everybody!!! See ya tomorrow!!!

New Year's Eve Eve

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Let's see…after the last entry, I went to my Aunt Missy's birthday party at Barbary Coast…but primarily watched the Patriots game as they went for a perfect regular season…and really are one of the best football teams ever assembled. I would be really surprised if they didn't win it all. The party was a lot of fun. Beverages were had (but not too much, I drank responsibly) and most of the time, my uncle & I just sat and talked about football and all the usual catching up stuff. We discussed in detail how "The Tuck" changed football forever…and maybe not for the better. Oh yeah, I don't know if I mentioned this…but my uncle's a Raiders fan. Poor guy. Just imagine a world were Tom Brady really did fumble in that fateful AFC championship. Were that the case, it would have been the Raiders going to the Super Bowl. Drew Bledsoe would have started for the Patriots the next year (and still suck) as Brady was benched as another "Flash in the Pan" or better yet, traded to the Lions while his stock was hot…where he would have been sacked eight times a game…and suffered some kind of career-ending injury as so many have in the Murder Capital of the World (I don't care what statistics say about St. Louis). Unable to play football, he is the star of the next season of "The Bachelor" instead of former Giants QB Jesse Palmer…and lives the rest of his life in media scrutiny. Meanwhile, Rich Gannon wins Super Bowl MVP. Jerry Rice heads the influx of free agents joining Oakland and its consistent fan base in the Sunshine State…and the Oakland Raiders are the dynasty, not the Patriots. Then again, that didn't happen…so then we discussed topics such as:

• "I think the Patriots need to change their name to the Boston Patriots. New England isn't a state or a city, it's a region. It's not like you can name your team the Southwest Cardinals or the Appalachian Titans. If you're going to do that, you might as well call yourself the American Patriots…and play the American Cowboys…or the Bald Eagles. It's ridiculous…and same goes for those Golden State Warriors. You play in Oakland. The Oakland Warriors sounds more threatening anyway."


• "Brett Favre may be old…but I have memories from the year he was drafted. Vinny Testaverde (who played his last game today) on the other hand, that guy is REALLY old. Number one pick in 1987 and still playing? Wanna know what I remember from 1987? Nap time. Doesn't his last name mean 'Green Testicle' in Spanish?"


• "That rookie running back Adrian Peterson is so good that he plays for two different teams. I've seen it. He's setting all kinds of rookie rushing records with the Vikings…and still has enough energy to play later in the day with the Chicago Bears. I watched them play each other twice and he just changes uniforms and puts on a dreadlock wig during the commercial breaks."
  

(By the way, for those who don't know…there are two rookie running backs named Adrian Peterson. The one for the Bears was third string until the first two got hurt. He actually threw a touchdown pass today and had a pretty good season)

Needless to say, there was a lot of BS'ing going on as we listened to the house band Phat Daddy play covers of Rock & Roll classics as well as some originals, mostly novelty songs. The important thing was that everybody had a good time and got home safely. Big ups to Designated Drivers!!! After about two hours, I went home.

To wind down, I watched "The Brothers Solomon" starring Will Arnett & Will Forte as two brothers who grew up in Alaska with their dad, so they have no idea who to interact with women. Then, their dad (Lee Majors, by the way) goes into a coma but the doctor said that his last wish was to see a grandchild…so now the brothers make it their mission to get him a grandchild…as soon as possible. Queue hilarious antics. The movie was more of an unexpected kind of a funny…but funny nonetheless. Think of it (as the reviews indicate) as "Dumb & Dumber" meets "Knocked Up" but more quirkiness. Anyway, I'd give it a gander if you get the opportunity. I'll admit, some of you will like it, some of you will hate it. It's one of those kind of comedies. Most of you that'll hate it…will be women.

This morning, I downloaded more of my vast & extensive CD collection onto my new iPod…and I have about a thousand songs on there right now…with maybe a third of my collection on there. One of the coolest things about it is going through CDs that I haven't listened to in a while (because I really only listen to them in my car…and only put a few in there at a time…when I think about it). For example, I don't know what it is…but I really like the Statler Brothers. Most of you probably have only heard "Flowers on the Wall" because it was in Pulp Fiction…but their music always seems to put a smile on my face. I also ran into my first CD. Any guesses as to what it is? Place your bets. Ready? My first CD that was given to me on Christmas…was Hootie & the Blowfish "Cracked Rear View". The first CD that I ever bought…was Bush's "Sixteen Stone." Yeah, it was a while since I had heard either of them. Now, I'll have all these songs readily available on a whim to put on my car radio at any time. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm sure you all have similar guilty pleasures…and I'd love to hear about some of them. By the way, the picture on the side came up when I put in iPod...and it looked great to me. No further explanation is needed.

Am I the only one semi-excited about the new "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles" TV series coming out in a few weeks? Fox may be looking for a big budget series to get some attention and using a well-established icon like the Terminator trilogy is definitely a good option…but the reason that I'm so excited about it…is that Summer Glau is the Terminator robot sent back to help. She played River on the "Firefly" series…and yes, she's hot…but she was also born exactly one year after I was conceived…and in the city of San Antonio (huge Spurs fan since I was eight)…and is an accomplished ballerina (flexibility is never ever overrated). I think that if we ever met, we would totally hit it off…but we'll see if that ever happens. Where was I? Oh yeah, so robots, time travel, guns, ballerinas, and even Queen Gorgo of 300 (Lena Headey) as Sarah Connor. It could be cool. We shall see. So again, am I the only one excited? I haven't heard much from anybody else.

Fortune Cookie for the Day - "Others find your charm irresistible…in bed." - It's true. I am a fairly charming fellow according to popular opinion…and in bed, I've been told the same. Mostly because I'm fairly unpredictable…a bit zany…and I'm always looking for the smiles. Maybe that's why this blog gets over a hundred hits a day. Do you guys (and hopefully gals) think I'm charming? At least entertaining? Validate me please.

Other than that, I really don't have much to talk about tonight…and I've already talked entirely too much about football…so maybe I'll do my last movie list for the year. Why not? So here it goes…

Dark Comedies - Now, these movies may not really be dark comedies per se…but they are movies that I'll watch…and laugh hysterically throughout…but not in the Jim Carrey kind of way. You know what I mean, right? Oh…and I eliminated Quentin Tarantino from the competition because he'd take all the spots except the Flush It…but it's my blog…so I can do that.

Medal Winners

Gold - Fight Club (1999) - For those of you who haven't seen this movie for one reason or another, you should check it out…even if it's Rated R and against your belief system. God would understand. Believe me. It's a very satirical view on modern commercialism and cult behavior…told through the eyes of an average Joe (Edward Norton) who meets a free-spirited eccentric (Brad Pitt) and they have a wonderful adventure together that ends in worldwide acts of commercial terrorism. Trust me, you WILL enjoy this movie. I don't care if you find every scene hilarious…or don't get half the jokes the first time through…at the very least you'll laugh when Helena Bonham Carter says, "I haven't been f**ked like that since grade school." (Fun little tidbit, originally in the book, that line was supposed to be "I want you to be the father of my abortion" but the studio thought it would be too controversial for some reason) Go check this movie out. If you don't like it, I'll cook you dinner. Deal?

Silver - Thank You for Smoking (2005) - Nick Naylor (Aaron Eckhart) is the ultimate PR guy for Big Tobacco, but while he's trying to BS his way past clinical studies and lobbyists, he's also trying to be a good role model for his son (Cameron Bright, the creepy kid from "Ultraviolet"). It's just great comedy all around with David Koechner, J.K. Simmons, Maria Bello, William H. Macy, Katie Holmes, Rob Lowe, Sam Elliott, Adam Brody, even Robert Duvall is in this movie. For anybody who smokes…or knows somebody who smokes…or knows anybody that likes to BS for a living (Note: I BS for a living) you should check this movie out at least once. You won't regret it. I guarantee it. Would I give it a Silver Medal if I didn't truly think so?

Bronze - Boondock Saints (1999) - Okay, this movie REALLY doesn't qualify officially as a Dark Comedy…but I still laugh while watching it hysterically. I think it's supposed to be a badass shoot-em-up movie starring Sean Patrick Flanery & Norman Reedus as Irish fraternal twins who assassinate some of the evil men of Boston while being tracked down by the FBI (the always creepy Willem Dafoe heading the investigation). The evil men of Boston retaliate by sending the legendary Il Duce (Billy Connolly) after them. There's a lot of guns and a lot of laughs. I've also been told by several ladies that the lead actors are kind of cute…in a belligerent Irish kind of way. I don't know what they meant by that exactly…because they weren't redheads…but whatever. Just forwarding information to you as always.

Suggestion - American Psycho (2000) - A wealthy New York investment banking executive hides his alternate psychopathic ego from his co-workers and friends as he escalates deeper into his illogical, gratuitous fantasies. Based on the book by Bret Easton Ellis and directed by Mary Harron ("The Notorious Bettie Page") and starring Christian Bale in the lead role, I've talked about this movie before…and I find it hilarious and disturbing at the same time. There's also great performances by Willem Dafoe (again as a detective), Reese Witherspoon, and others…but yeah, you should probably check it out…the extended director's cut. Yes, I'll let you borrow it as long as you promise to return it…but don't see the sequel with Mila Kunis & William Shatner. Needless to say, the sequel sucks.

Flush It - Crash (2004) - Okay, allow me to explain. I was having a little trouble thinking of a bad dark comedy…because if a movie isn't funny, I will naturally eliminate it from the comedy genre. So I went to IMDB to look at a list of dark comedies…and near the top was the Best Picture for 2004, Crash…which is a great movie with an incredible ensemble cast that looks at racism from many different perspectives…but to call it a dark comedy…is just not funny at all. This is a dramedy by a streeeeetch of the imagination…but not funny at all. I think that everybody might wanna check out this movie…but if you're looking for a laugh…look elsewhere. Watch one of the other four previously mentioned movies. If you do watch this one, then be prepared for a bit of an emotional rollercoaster in quite the opposite direction. I mean...I know you're not supposed to judge a book (or movie) by its cover...but LOOK AT THE COVER!!! Something tells me that it's not going to be a laugh riot.

Have a great evening…and be sure to stop by my blog some time early in the year 2008…for tomorrow night (since I'll be working instead of getting spit-faced) I will be presenting various awards known as the Stevies. Stay tuned.

Happy Birthday to my Baby's Mama!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I would like to start out by wishing a very special 32nd birthday to very lovely, very talented, and very pregnant Milla Jovovich. Most of you know her as an award-winning actress (I'm sure she's won a few somewhere) in movies such as the "Resident Evil" trilogy and "The Fifth Element" but she's also a supermodel (gasp), Grammy-winning musician & songwriter, and informed fairly recently...a fashion designer. If you're read this blog, you are probably aware that...well, I think she's just about the hottest woman on the face of the Earth...and if you're a newcomer to this web-based journal, now you know. Thirty-two years ago today, Milla was born to parents Bogdanovitch Jovovic, a Serbian doctor, and Galina Loginova, a Russian actress. Man, that must have been one hot socialist baby in the Ukraine that day. Of course, the story goes that she & her mother moved to California when she was young, somebody realized that she was really hot, offered her a modeling contract, got her some spots in movies & TV, lead role in a sequel of a modest hit like Blue Lagoon, get with a few directors, more lead roles, so on and so on...but all the while, taking somewhat risky roles to prove that she is first & foremost...an actress...who just happens to be really, really hot and ambitious. Now, she & fiance Paul W.S. Anderson are in post-production of their newest movie...and expecting a hot baby in the coming weeks. Sorry if you really thought that it was my child. We actually haven't met...yet. I do plan on directing a movie someday though...so who knows? Happy Birthday Milla!!! Potbellies are sexy...


This morning, after completing Medium difficulty on Rock Band, I was flipping through the channels...and stumbled upon "Snoop Dogg's Father Hood" on E!. I remember a show on MTV a few years ago that was a Snoop Dogg skit show called "Doggy Fizzle Televizzle" and it was okay...but didn't last too long. This show though, I just don't know. I only saw the last seconds of one episode, where it had Snoop Dogg cleaning up after his kids...and him basically saying that vacuuming is his place of total peace and reflection (really?) and the next episode was him trying to get his kids interested in soccer (good luck with that) and even involved him calling up David Beckham to try to come over and convince them (still probably won't work) and then they go have some American country breakfast. Unfortunately, his wife (oh yeah, he's married) is trying to get him to eat right...so she shows up at the diner where he & Beckham are eating...and gives him a salad instead of some good eats. After her speech, and she leaves, what happens? They switch plates...bend it like Beckham indeed. I may watch this show again...if I'm really, really bored. Not as gangsta as I was hoping...but exactly what I expected. Hell, if Flava Flav can have a few reality shows, why not Snoop D-O-Double Gizzle?


Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem - I know that I have voiced my eager anticipation for this movie since I found out about it. Yesterday, my brother sent me a video of a 5-minute trailer for the movie...and it has only made it worse. Here's a quick rundown of the plot (as if it were really necessary). At the end of the first Alien vs. Predator movie (which if you haven't seen, you should, unless you have no idea what I'm talking about when I say Alien and/or Predator, then I'll send you a list of movies to check out), it ends with an alien pupa bursting out of the chest of a Predator...so now, there's a new Alien / Predator hybrid...or an Alienator, if you will. It starts killing Predators on the Predator ship in orbit around Earth, shots are fired, it crashes near deer hunters (ironic because Predators are intergalactic hunters), now everything is running amuck and the human race is in some serious trouble. From here, I have no idea where it goes...but I can't wait until Christmas Day to find out. Another thing for my interest, the first AVP was rated PG-13...and just the preview for this one...is rated R. Oh yeah, there will be green, acidic blood spilled for certain, probably some cool supergadgets that the Predators always use, superstrong intelligent hybrids of the most vicious creatures in cinema history, oh yeah, me likey. I mention this just in case you were wondering how I was going to celebrate Jesus' birthday...by watching extraterrestrials rip each other apart...and the humans reign victorious once again. Oh holy night indeed.


Raise your hand if you're surprised - Remember two months ago when the stars of the two most famous scandalous celebrity videos of all time, Pamela Anderson & Rick Salomon, married a few days after Pam paid off a gambling debt paid for by Rick for 'services rendered' in Vegas? No? Well, I did blog about it. Well, surprise surprise, they're filing for a divorce. Who knew that this couple that was destined to be together (in a video) would have their relationship end so badly? Not that I really care one way or the other about celebrity marriage...but I really just wanted an excuse to put up a picture of Pamela Anderson. Don't judge me. You would too. Don't lie...or else a pixie loses its wings.




GO EAGLES!!! - I just wanted to give a BIG congratulations to the Philadelphia Eagles for destroying the Dallas Cowboys yesterday. Now, the Eagles' playoff hopes can be completely shattered by a Vikings win tonight (or one of seven other teams winning in the next two weeks or if they happen to loss either of their last two games) but where there's a will (and a LOT of luck) there's a way. Let's go Eagles!!! WOOOOO!!! Also a big congratulations to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who after over 30 years as a franchise, finally got their first kickoff return touchdown. It only took them 1,865 returns to finally have one go all the way. Here's to many more down the road, fellas. AAAAARGH!!!


Movie Monsters


Medal Winners - These are MY favorite scary movie characters. You may be scared of different things...and that's cool. I'm not afraid of clowns, vampires, or those things...and to be honest, not terrified of aliens either...but these are my favorite scary characters to watch in movies. Obviously inspired by a certain movie coming out on December 25th at a theatre near you.


Gold - Predator - Since he first made his presence felt on the big screen (by skinning soldiers and hanging them by their ankles in the Amazon), he has been the ultimate hunter. Searching the galaxy for new and more powerful prey that may stand a chance to his cat-like reflexes, keen intellect, savage brutal nature, and a wide array of cosmic weapons that is ever growing. If not for a scandalous sex video with Paris Hilton, he may have been Senator Predator now and be the third elected government official from his debut film (after Jesse Ventura & Arnold Schwarzenegger). Instead Jesse "The Body" Ventura, Bill Duke, Carl Weathers, King Willie, Bill Paxton, Lance Henriksen, even Gary Busey have all felt his wrath since then in a murderous rampage spanning three movies. Honestly, favorite part about the first movie...as it is with many of my favorite horror suspense movies...is that you don't see him for the first 2/3 or so of the movie...only what he sees and the path of destruction that he leads. The imagination wanders...but one thing is for sure...he is one ugly mother lover.


Silver - Alien - Ridley Scott, James Cameron, David Fincher, Jean-Pierre Jeunet, some of the great directors of our time have made some great movie about this creature (and Alien 3, which sucked). Probably the most frightening thing about the Alien is not it's appearance (like something out of a opiate-induced trip gone wrong) but rather it's simplicity and savagery (if that's a real word). It starts as this scorpion-looking thing that jumps on your face and plants its seed down your throat and into your body. Shortly after, the parasite grows...and burst out your chest. Oh, it ain't over...the scurrying little creature that bursts out your chest will also grow (at an incredible rate for not really eating anything that I've seen) and become a gigantic insect-like thing who uses their tongue (also a mini head) to puncture your skull...and if you injure them, their blood is highly concentrated acid. They're not dummies either. They attack in coordinated packs...are surprisingly silent...and unless you've got Ripley on your side, you're F-U-K-T. Even she has died a few times trying to survive them...but just wait until she's faced with the Alienator. (Sniff sniff) What's that I smell? Another sequel? With Space Marines, Predators, Aliens, and maybe some Battlestar Galactica robots just in case? Yeah, that would be awesome (patent pending).


Bronze - Hannibal Lechter - Brian Cox originally played him in Michael Mann's "Manhunter" but it wasn't until Sir Anthony Hopkins took the role of this doctor of...distinguished taste that he became one of the most frightening characters in movies...and apparently literature (Based on a book? Really? Damn my illiteracy!!!). What is so frightening about this seemingly harmless old man (Lechter, not Hopkins), well...there's the creepy cunning stare, hinting mischievious wit, the incredible intelligence & maticulous attention to detail, the mind games that he'll play on you until you snap & do something foolish, the savage and brutally ironic coordinated deaths of his victims, and not only that...but he'll f**king eat you. There's something to be said about the fear of being eaten. He could eat your brain...while you're still alive...and not only that...but feed it to you...so you're eating your own brain...and enjoying it. Just ask Ray Liotta. Also, on a personal note, I think that anybody that knows a great wine to compliment any human organ served...is probably evil. (Insert that creepy tasting thing he does that I can't type out)


Suggestion - The Hitcher - If you haven't seen the timeless classic about picking up a hitchhiker who turns out to be a traveling axe murderer (or whatever else he can get his hands on) then I suggest checking out the original with the always creepy Rutger Hauer or the remake last year with Sean Bean in the title role. Have you ever been stranded on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere...and it seems like nobody will pick you up...even in the middle of the day? Blame this movie. This movie (and probably "The Hills Have Eyes") is the reason that you had to walk five miles to the nearest gas station in the middle of the desert in triple-digit heat. However, after you've seen this movie, perhaps you'll understand why. Next time, carry a case of Bud Light along with your empty two-gallon tank. You may get lucky. "But honey, he has Bud Light."


Flush It - Chucky - At least the last few "Child's Play" movies have made not of the fact that they're a running joke. The soul of a voodoo-practicing serial killer gets put into a child's doll...and goes on a killing spree...so that he can be reincarnated in the body of the boy. Okay, I get your premise...but he's still a doll. He weighs two pounds, the head is detachable, and I think the only way that I'm going to be mortally wounded by a doll is if I die laughing as I watch him run after me...unless I turn around and kick him 40 yards...or just stomp on him until I simply can't anymore. He's a doll. That should scare nobody...ever, unless the doll just arrived from China containing GHB...then you may have the Seed of Chucky before you know it...but when could that ever happen?


Future Watch - Chucky vs. Lucky (2010?) Yes, in the theory of making movies like Alien vs Predator and Freddy vs. Jason, I want to make a movie called Chucky vs. Lucky which puts a doll against the Leprauchaun (played by Warwick Davis, of course). Is that wrong? Yeah, probably. If you're going to make a bad horror movie, why not make it a REALLY bad one, then you can say that you're just spoofing the genre. Right Wes Craven? Other than that, just waiting for Christmas Day...because Hollywood's giving me a present. YAY!!! Again, happy birthday to Milla Jovovich!!! Have a great day y'all!!!



P.S. Today is also Day One of the Chia Bart Era. Here is a status photo. Also, it may just be me...and it may be the sexual frustration talking...but don't Bart's eyes look like perky breasts to anybody else?