Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Happy Halloween

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I guess yesterday was my first non-blogging day of the month. (Gasp) But don't worry, it'll happen a LOT in November (remember, two-week trip to Europe and weekend in Dallas...oh and spending Thanksgiving with the family/work). Yesterday, I went over to my dad's where he was watching the James Cameron flick "Aliens" which I had bought him last Christmas (because I rock). I showed up for the last half...and we had a fun old time watching it. After that, we headed to the IHOP to get some food in our bellies. I'm not talking about IHOP...but THE IHOP, where $teve likes to take his dates for many reasons. Among others...

  • It's Cheap - The money that you save by eating there, as opposed to some snobby French restaurant, you can use for greater donations to local charities, paying off student loans, various massage and body oils, the Ring True Foundation, sexy novelty elephant underwear, the possibilities are endless.

  • It's Delicious - The food is scrumptuous. Best of all the food is fat-free. By that, I mean the fat is free with purchase of meal...but for those of us who like a little cushion with their pushin' and can appreciate a girl that can down a Philly Cheese Steak Super Stacker, onion rings, AND a side of chocolate flapjacks...and STILL have the ability to raise the big top in my one-ring circus, it's a great place.

  • It's Menu is Diverse - Whether you want breakfast, lunch, dinner, kid's menu, country fixins, cheesesteaks, bacon, fajitas, talapia, rabbit food, whatever, they've got it. Don't get me started on the beverages. If they only had a bar...

  • It's a Great Way to Gauge Reactions - Are you dating a Golddigger? If you suggest IHOP and she rolls her eyes, ball one. "Why don't we go to the Melting Pot or something?" Ball two. Mmm, that was a delicious meal and you're quite funny...and seem to think the same about me (bonus, strike one). Oh look, the check has arrived. You look at me like I should instinctively offer to pay for your meal (waive off that pitch, time for the slider). "So, it looks like your half is about ten bucks, I'll take care of the tip." "I ugh...didn't bring my money." Ball three...and she really going to have a hard time catching a cab home if she doesn't answer this next question to my liking. Ball four means that you're walking...home. "Okay, that's cool. I have a better idea. (Leans in to whisper something in her ear) Look, I really like you...and I think that you're incredibly sexy...which is why I want to give you one more chance. Whattaya say we make a run for it?" "Really?" "Yeah really. Why do you think I parked so far away from the restaurant? Okay, so I'm going to go to the bathroom (wink wink) and I'll meet you by the Barnes & Noble across the parking lot." "That sounds so dangerous...and hot (Strike two because she thinks I'm hot) Let's do it!!!" STRIKE THREE, we're out!!!

  • The Staff is Usually Really Nice - Which is why I do actually pay for my meal...but still the above scenario is pleasing on many many levels when it works to my satisfaction...and among many reasons why I'm single. The real response is usually "Are you f**king kidding me? (Yes) I can't f**king believe this. Never call me again you cheap bastard. F**king IHOP??? And now you want to welch on the check??? (Quiet down, you're causing a scene, narc) Take me home!!! (That's four balls, you walk home)" "What? I would never do something like that. I'm sorry everybody, this girl is mentally ill...and DON'T TRY TO BLAME THIS ON YOUR HERPES TOO!!! If anything, it's the Hepatitis." That's right, if you mess with me in public, I'll say that you have genital warts. I don't care if it's your family's Thanksgiving dinner. Let that be a lesson to all the crazy, dramatic girls out there. But yeah, the staff is pretty nice...and can't press charges if you actually pay the bill. There's another lesson for ya.

After lunch, we headed out to Bountiful Lake. If you've never heard of Bountiful Lake, allow me to give you directions. Take the Centerville exit off I-15, turn left towards the garbage dump, it's on the southeastern end of the dump, adjacent to the Legacy Highway (still under construction) and within smelling range of the oil refineries. However, it's surprisingly calming and beautiful given it's location...and a great place to snag some fishies. I hadn't gone fishing in about ten to fifteen years before Tuesday, so this was nostalgic of the good ol' days. Just me, my dad, the fish, and some kids scurrying around on those roller scooters. Except for the beeping of nearby construction vehicles going in reverse, it was very peaceful...and my dad & I talked about...well, whatever. We hadn't seen eachother in a few weeks, so we caught up and talked about family, fun trips, fixing cars, and basically just trying to make eachother laugh. I even had time to work in a "Dad, you're my dad and...I love you man!!!" "You're not getting my Bud Light. HAHAHAHAHA!!!" If you don't remember that commercial (or weren't born yet), I apologize. It was a good one. No fish were caught...but we still went home with full bellies and smiles. You can't really ask for much more than that, right? Here are some pictures from my camera phone. I have some others of ducks on my other camera...but there was unpleasantness with my I'll add them on later.

Movie Night - For Movie Night, we had a total of five attendees comprised of Bubbles, Mr. & Mrs. Wingman, my friend/coworker JJ, and myself. We watched "Love Actually" but it was more like the background noise to our good times. Then something happened. As you may know, Mr. Wingman and I are smartasses. We say smartass things to get a laugh out of people...and unfortunately, especially if people are introduced for the first time, these smartass comments can be taken the unintended way. It doesn't mean anybody did anything wrong or things were taken the wrong way...just that there was a miscommunication. It happens. Still, I think that we had a good time...and I look forward to many future Movie Nights.

On a similar note, Box Girl didn't make it...but she had told me that later Monday (worked last night), so it was no surprise. However, we may be doing something later in the week. (Fingers crossed) So wish me luck, huh. Let's see, other than that. Nothing much has gone on today...except due to popular demand, I am at work in my Chewbacca outfit. Some of my other coworkers are in great outfits. Bubbles is a badass police officer. That's really about all that you would know from my blog. Check out the guns!!!

So I was changing into my Chewbacca outfit in the bathroom stalls at work...and it reminded me of something that you might find interesting. The situation arises where I'll be the only person in a public bathroom with multiple stalls. After I get well into my #2 procedure, somebody else will come in & have to do their business as well. I've been in there for a few minutes...and I'm not one of those people who are unaware that their feces does not emit an unpleasant odor. Back in the day, I would be awfully nervous to make audible fratulence with somebody in the stall next to me...but I've found a solution...and hopefully it'll spread like wildfire. "Good sir, I challenge you to a Farting Duel!!! Do you accept my challenge? Toot once for yes, twice for no." "Are you talking to me?" "I am. Now do you accept my challenge...or will you be a coward?" "Well, when you put it like that..." Then we see who can make the rudest noise or make the other cough uncontrollably until a winner is crowned. Really though, we're both winners...because we weren't afraid...and we both dropped kids off at the pool. Anyway, that's my thought on the situation.

Well, not much else going on with me at this I'll leave you with a wonderful little love horoscope thing that I tried. I think it's surprisingly accurate...but you listen to my BS, let me know what you think...and have a Happy Halloween!!!

Taurus - Your Love Profile

Your positive traits:
You tend to stick with relationships - through the good and the bad.You are a great listener and tend to give valuable advice.Cautious and careful, you never jump in recklessly... saving yourself from heartbreak.
Your negative traits:
Money is very important to you, so much so that it's a cause of arguments in relationships.If your lover isn't loyal or attentive enough to you, your eyes start to wander...You tend to keep things inside - so your partner may not know when or why you're upset.
Your ideal partner:
Is stable, serious, and ready to be committed to you.Is successful and able to provide you with the lifestyle you crave.A true romantic, who is willing to express their desire for your heart.
Your dating style:
Comfortable and traditional. You'd love to have a nice meal at a cozy restaurant.
Your seduction style:
Love comes first for you before you'd even think of intimacy.Traditional: you're not a cold fish - but you're not into kink either.Pleasing... you always make sure that your partner is having a good time.
Tips for the future:
Be willing to change your mind. Who you think is the love of your life may be very wrong for you.Try listening to your mate. While your stubborn streak is hard to break, sometimes your partner knows best.Lighten up! The first months of a relationship should be about fun, not intentions.
Best color to attract mate: Pale blue
Best day for a date: Friday

Monday, October 29, 2007

Movie Night is a GO!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Movie Night may actually be a feasible thing now. What's even better than that? It's going to be tomorrow night. What's even better than that? Box Girl has been officially invited and she has my number...and expressed a lot of interest. Yippee!!! I'm not getting too excited, since it is only for a movie, but it's a good start. Scratch that, a great start. She has the digits. Now, we just have to decide on a movie. Any suggestions? It was going to be "Breakfast Club" but now I'm thinking of something with a little more girl-on-girl action. Maybe "Bound" or something. I'm open to other suggestions though. So far it's Box Girl (possibly), Bubbles, and myself...but we'll see. Even if it's just the three of us, that's a fun night full of Jaegerbombs, Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade, and a little gettin' to know ya. Maybe we'll watch a scary the girls can just squeeze up on me for protection thanks to the giant screen and surround sound of the Cooliseum theatre. BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

My Brother has a Job Now!!! - My brother now has a part-time job, which is good...because it's better than a no-time job. Congratulations to him...and just in time because I think my sister-in-law is about ready to sit down for the last few months of the pregnancy. She's carrying around a large child. He's probably gonna come out looking like a three-year old. Wish her luck guys & gals, she's going to need it. I'll keep you posted on whether he likes it or not...but hopefully he does.

I hung out with my dad for a few hours today before coming to work. We flipped through the channels and watched "The Frighteners" which is a great flick. However, we were watching it on AMC, so it was butchered all to Hell...and nothing made sense. I had to fill in the gaps to my dad...and then said, "You know what. I have the extended version at home, I'll just bring it by someday and you can watch this masterpiece in its entirety." This was one of the worst TV-butchered movies that I had ever seen. It's right up there with watching "Pulp Fiction" on KJZZ a few years back. I understand WHY television stations have to butcher for time and content...but I just don't feel that they should. It also makes me wonder how watching the late night horror flicks that they've been advertising would be. All the Halloweens, Friday the 13ths, the Ninth Gate, and other horror flicks that I've never seen...I wouldn't even bother watching them on AMC or whatever now. What'd be the point? The choppy and ridiculous plot would just be made even worse by cutting out the supplementary stuff, right? Oh well, enough about my boring day...and here's the news...

Baseball Season Not Yet Over - Even though Boston won the World Series last night, there's still round-the-clock coverage on baseball. Why? The Yankees are hiring a manager...and apparently it's Joe Girardi, a former catcher with the team instead of Don Mattingly. Say what you will, it's a good business decision because of Girardi's experience...but I can feel for Don Mattingly a little bit. As you know, I've asked before, "How can I get experience if you won't gimme a job?" Sorry Mr. Baseball, you're time will come soon. I suggest going to greener pastures the Marlins. I hear they have an opening now.

Save the 'Shrooms - Of course, anything to do with Amsterdam makes my blog. Protesters turned out on Dam Square hoping to stop the government from banning Magic Mushrooms. About a hundred shroomers showed up carrying signs reading "Boss of your own Brain" and "When will they ban bread?" (I didn't get that one) and wearing toadstool shaped hats that they recently bought at a Halloween-time Super Mario nostalgia sale. It joins the trend of the ever-shrinking Amsterdam with the reduced Red Light District but honestly, they're just trying to make Amsterdam a better family-oriented location (because that's where the real money is at) and you can't hate on that. What I'm thinking is that they should make a New Amsterdam. Oh yeah, they already tried that...and eventually it became New York City. Then how about a NEW New Amsterdam? A place not so rich in history...but filthy rich with debauchery. Or how about I just get over there while the getting's good? I've never done mushrooms...nor do I ever really plan to...but I respect that these shroomers have the balls (and free time) to protest. I just don't think they're going to win. Nice hats though.

Well, that's really about it today, I think. Not in a big typing mood. I am really excited about tomorrow night though. Hopefully Box Girl comes through...and we can have a good ol' time together and see how it goes. Stranger things have happened. Anyway, wish me luck...and share some movie suggestions. Oh...and to answer your previous question, it looks something like this...

Have you ever wondered if protesters realize how ridiculous they look sometimes???

Sunday, October 28, 2007

A Child's Halloween

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Due to a last-minute scheduling change brought upon by the ailing hands of a coworker, I am reporting to you live from my place of work (Area 51, but shhhhh, don't tell anybody). Yesterday, I went to my niece's 1st birthday party in Ogden. I thought that I would arrive early because I'm delusional and thought that I'd be able to relax and hang out with my brother & sister-in-law (when she's not at work). Why do parents go ass-crackers crazy for a child's 1st birthday party? I have $20 cash that says that my niece Kairi doesn't remember a damn thing about the party yesterday...but I remember helping set everything up in the few hours that I had to drive an hour out of my way each way...and then see her open presents a few hours late...then leave before cake for the adult Halloween portion of my night. I'll tell ya why parents go ass-crackers crazy...these...

Behold the birthday girl Snow White
and my mom, the Wicked Stepmother?

Here's my other niece Kelaudri
She doesn't get the concept of "Stand back sweetie"

Here's some girl I've never seen before.
Her name is Scarlet and she's a Monkey Angel.

Here's my brother as some kind of French Darth Maul.
By the way, the shirt says, "I'm not too BIG, you're too small."

Here's the woman I'm going to Europe with next week.
She's had 17 children. Now you've met the Legend.

After that, I met with Mr. & Mrs. Wingman, along with their three youngest kids at Cornbelly's Corn Maze & Pumpkin Fest in Thanksgiving Point. Now, I know what you're thinking. "A grown man going to a corn a 5th wheel? Sounds really boring." Well, you thought wrong. I would recommend this to anybody looking for a good (non-alcoholic) time...but it is a little kid oriented obviously. They have kettle corn, hot chocolate, haunted hayrides, pig races, singing chickens, pedal carts, pumpkin cannons, corn mazes, swings, slides, trains, a giant jumping pillow (that they luckily allowed adults on), duck races, and a giant creature that you could walk inside.

That's just the stuff that we had time to do. The kids enjoyed it...and so did I. In case you didn't know, I'm the kind of kid-at-heart that LOVES to go to zoos, dinosaur parks, and all that other kiddie stuff. Not because I have some kind of 'lost childhood' complex or anything, but because that stuff is fun...and you can see other kids having a good time too. What's not to like? Here are some things that I found out during my adventures last night:
  • If you can get hot cocoa for fifty cents, you can't POSSIBLY go wrong
  • Lunchables are incredible. I was skeptical at first. However, if you're looking for a quick, complete, and delicious meal to enjoy at an establishment like this, you really can't beat a Lunchable. Ham & Cheese is my Lunchable of choice. They're actually quite filling too.
  • On that same note, Macaroni & Cheese is great too. Add chili...and you've got a fully hearty winter meal. Tell all your friends...and then invite me over.
  • I miss having a trampoline - That giant jumping pillow reminded me how much fun they are...and the adults were probably happier than the kids...and I didn't think that was possible.
  • We should all ride pedal carts to work - They're good exercise, good for the environment, and if you get a flat tire, they weigh like 50 pounds. Just strap it onto your back and take it to the gas station...or work, whatever's closest. I'm gonna get a larger one than I used last night though. My foot kept hitting the tire...but was a very effective braking system.
  • If you ever have the chance to launch pumpkins out of a cannon for a BUCK, do it. You won't be disappointed.
  • Kids are cute...but then they grow up to be prick teenagers...and then become too cool for corn mazes...and then realize they're really they take kids to corn mazes. It's the circle of life...or something like that.
  • Here's a picture of Mrs. Wingman buried in an area that we affectionately call "The Corn Hole"

We finished up there and I got back home around 11 PM. With all the activity, I'm not going to lie, I was a little bushed. So I decided NOT to call around and find out where the drunken debauchery was going down...but relaxed at home and played a little PS3 before heading off to bed. Yeah, pretty lame...but whatever. I got a new costume option out of the day. My mom made me wear a costume for my niece's birthday party...and she gave me the outfit...but she claimed that I wasn't wearing it be the judge.

Did you notice the Power emitting from my body?

That's not Photoshop people...just a sensitive camera phone.

No Love for Original Costumes - A suburban Long Island high school has banned all Halloween costumes after three senior girls showed up last year dressed as the underwear-baring subject of a series of best-selling children's books. Three female seniors (a.k.a. Jailbait) dressed up as Captain Underpants, which required beige leotards and nude stockings under white briefs and red capes. Now...take a minute to think about that. Mmm... Okay, so the principal banned Halloween costumes. He's catching a lot of flack for it. Say what you will about freedom of expression or whatever...but there's just some places that you don't wear the slutty Halloween outfit...and school is one of them. That's how you get stuff at my work. Luckily, they've relinquished a ten-year ban at my job because of a guy dressing up as a mermaid. (Shivers) So now, I can dress up as a Wookie if I wanted to (and have) or as my Devil...but I can't dress up as Adam or the Jolly Green Giant (I checked) and have a cucumber hanging from my fig work. However, I CAN wear the slutty outfit to the adult parties. It's just common sense. Oh well, they're teenagers. It's like Alanis said, "You live, you learn." Hmm, now that I think about it, she also said, "You Oughta Know." Anyway, there's a time and place for the edgy costume...and it's called college.

The End of Baseball? - At least for this year maybe, when the Boston Red Sox take on the Colorado Rockies in Game 4 of the World Series tonight. The Sox are up 3-0 and I don't really care who wins...but I was hoping the games'd be a little closer...since this is the only time that I ever think about watching baseball on television. The coolest thing I can think of to say about it is that last night, Japanese pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka became the first Japanese pitcher to play and win a game...but also, one of three pitchers to ever drive in two runs in a World Series game. The other two players? Babe Ruth and Cy Young. Even if you don't know baseball, you've probably heard of those guys (or at least awards named after them). Do I think this guy's going to be as legendary as them? No, probably not...but who knows? Anyway, enough about that.

That'll probably do it for me tonight. Not a whole lot to talk about after all that. Movie Night's still in the air. Feel free to voice your opinion about whether I should dress up at work as Chewbacca the Wookie...or Lord Satan. I have the hair and equipment for both. Hope you're all having a groovy and safe Halloween week!!! Peace!!!

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Complete the Sentence Quiz

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

As usual, I don't blog on Saturday mornings unless I'm I'm just doing another one of these quick quiz things that are sent to my MySpace account (thanks to JL Clyde and Trixter Girl among others). I wanna thank all the people out there for leaving comments so that I know that people really like this stuff. It's a lot of fun for me too. Y'all rock!!!

Complete the Sentence

Hi, my name is: $teve, a.k.a. Dr. Mookie Tockenbaut Love

But you can call me: Sexy, Cookie, Cap'n, His Lord Grace Chancellor, I answer to most anything

Never in my life have I: Hit a homerun in the World Series? Wow, so many possibilities with that one.

The one person who can drive me nuts is: Me Hips, are they a person?

My high school is: Full of jailbait

When I’m nervous: I picture people with their clothes off...and sometimes get an erection because of it.

The last song I listened to was: "FROM THE WINDOOOOOOOW TO THE WALL!!!"

If I were to get married right now it would be to: Adriana Lima

My hair is: Thick, full, long, strong, and's a running theme with my body

When I was 4: Back to the Future was in theatres, New Coke hit grocery shelves around the world, "We Are the World" was recorded, Reggie Bush & Keira Knightley were born, Orson Welles & Ricky Nelson died, gas was $1.20 per gallon, and I thought dinosaurs were AWESOME!!!

Last Christmas: I worked a few hours in the morning then went to Boston for a week with an older woman. Oh...and I sang Happy Birthday to Jesus along the way.

I should be: Playing basketball for the Utah Jazz...or making the next great American film...or making incredible passionate, uninhibited love to the greatest being in existence...but sometimes it just doesn't work out the way you think it should...but it's always the way it should be. Forgive me, I'm just incredibly optimistic/delusional.

When I look down I see: A great view when talking to ladies with V-necks

The happiest recent event was: Box Girl saying "Mmm thank you" after tasting my nuts (chocolate covered macadamia nuts that I brought to work today, I should elaborate a little more before you think she'd actually be interested in me)

If I were a character on ‘Friends’: Probably Chandler...because he's funny...but if I were a character on Friends, I'd fire my agent.

By this time next year: I will be twelve months older...and probably been on AT LEAST three dates total between now and then...and probably blogged some 300 more times...

My current gripe is: Why don't I have a reality dating show on VH1? Am I just not crazy enough? How about this, "When I was 4 years old, in 1985, I was washed up too Flava Flav, Bridgette Wilson, Bret Michaels, Scott Baio, it's my turn now"? I'm just kidding. I know that I have to become Governor first so that I can start my bachelor-esque show called "First Lady"

I have a hard time understanding: People who don't think logically...historically, women.

There’s these girls: At work that probably think that I'm cross-eyed or something because I stare at their chest while they're talking...but it's a lot more subtle from my point of view

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: "Hello Mr. Spielberg, this is the other $teve, I just wanted to tell you that I won four Academy Awards, the Nobel Prize for Chemistry, two Golden Globes, and a bunch of humanitarian awards for my latest film...despite your criticism. Just goes to show, that it takes a real visionary to change Hollywood...and you laughed at me when I said that Panda Porn would be accepted by the masses and generate a billion dollars for preservation and research. Well who's laughing now BEE-OOOOOOTCH???" Okay, so it'd really be my mom...but if I had doubters, they'd be immediately after...if not mentioned by name and cell phone number during the acceptance speech.

I want to buy: Love...we have the technology...but I don't want to spend a lot of money...

I plan to visit: Barcelona, Nice, Rome, Florence, Naples, Pompeii, my mom's, Sicily, Dallas, and maybe Vegas...all by New Year's Eve.

If you spent the night at my house: Then you just hit the jackpot!!! Lucky how do you like your pancakes?

The world could do without: Global Warming

Most recent thing I’ve bought myself: Spicy chicken burrito from Taco Bell...and more gas...but this was for my car

Most recent thing someone else bought me: Lunch at Arby's. Thanks Bubbles!!!

My middle name is: Jay - "Snoochie Boochies!!!"

In the morning I: Find out what time it is by reading the Human Sundial that is my Morningwood...and then usually pee...hunched over a few feet back from the toilet. Don't look at me like that. You asked?

Last night I: Worked until 1 AM...and then slept

There’s this guy I know who: Does this thing that really bugs other people that vague enough?

If I were an animal I’d be a: Panda

A better name for me would be: Sofa King Cool...because I am Sofa King Cool.

Tomorrow I am: Watching football (possibly with a hangover and some naughty angel I picked up at the Halloween party last night) and maybe going to see my dad. Who knows what tomorrow holds?

Tonight I am: Going to my niece's birthday party (maybe) and then finding out where all the drunken debauchery is going down.

My birthday is: Six months away...and I'm thinking Vegas again. Last time was...mmm sensational.

Have a great weekend everybody!!! Enjoy the costume parties!!!

Friday, October 26, 2007

150th Blog

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

Movie Night was a complete success...and may become some kind of weekly thing, so stay tuned. Again, we (my buddy Bubbles and I) watched the 1983 classic "Scarface" which she had never seen before...and I've watched enough to know that it's just about the greatest movie ever made...involving yayo. Why do I like this movie so much? Is it all the incredible lines through Al Pacino's Cuban accent? Is it the blood & implied gore? Guns & explosions? Michelle Pfeiffer? Well, here's a list (no particular order) of reasons why I like this movie so much...and Bubbles likes it too, though I'm not sure her reasons...other than "Say the Bad Guy. Cuz it's the last time you're gonna see a Bad Guy like me." By the way, if you haven't seen it yet...and want to be 'surprised', you may want to skip a bit. It's a fairly predictable format though.
  • It's a Rags to Riches story - "I come from the gutter. With the right woman...there's no stoppin' me. I go straight to the top." From a communist prison to an American citizen to the American Dream to a Bolivian target, everybody likes to root for the Underdog. Through hard work, passion, determination, wits, muscle, loyalty, and a desire for nothing but the best, Tony Montana made it big.

  • It Takes Two to Make It - "I want what's coming to me." "Yeah, and what's that?" "The world, chico...and everything in it." Everybody needs a Manolo. Everybody needs that great friend/significant other to help you along the way. Tony had the drive, plan, desire, and passion, but Manny was there to take care of the follow-through and making sure all the bills got paid. Basically, he was like Tony's wife...and ended up sleeping with his sister. Sorry if I'm spoiling it...but you'd see it coming anyway. Regardless, when it came down to it...both got their work done...and well. Bill Gates needed Paul Allen. Michael Jordan needed...four other people on the court with him. Bobby Brown needed Whitney. Napoleon needed a stack of dictionaries to stand on. Thomas Edison needed somebody to pay the electrical bill while he researched. Throughout history, great things have been achieved by people who had somebody else there with them along the way. Without Manny, there is no Scarface.

  • He Speaks from the Heart...and the Balls - "All I have in this my balls and my word...and I don't break 'em for nobody." There's a lot to be said about somebody who can be whole-heartedly honest in basically every situation...even when not appropriate. If he likes you, he lets you know. If you step up in his scarred grill, he's right back up in yours. If you try to have him killed, he'll make damn sure it was you, and return the favor. Speaking from the heart is something that...well, basically is losing its truth in today's age. Guys will often pretend to speak from the heart in order to get some...thing they want. Girls will do the same thing too. However, it's always admirable to hear somebody really speak from the heart...and letting others know how they feel. No BS, no remorse, and as little hesitation as possible...but dramatic pauses help to emphasize.

  • Cocaine's a Hell of a Drug - "Lesson two - Never get high on your own supply." Ah, the dangers of being an international druglord are expressed in this movie as well. Crooked cops, rival druglords, traitors from within the organization, federal investigations, political agendas, hitmen, all these and more had their crack at Tony Montana's empire...but what ended up doing him in? Yayo. With a Rick James-like dosage mixed in with his Cap'n Crunch every morning...along with a steady regimen throughout the day, Tony's paranoia and inebriated thought process ended up with him making bad decisions that brought upon his downfall. Again, sorry to spoil it...but it is a Greek tragedy set in Miami.

Anyway, there are other reasons...but those are the major ones. I suggest that anybody who hasn't seen it, check it out. Also, if you're interested in attending future movie nights (complete with alcoholic & non-alcoholic beverages, fun conversation, and snacks), please let me know and I'll try to keep you posted. I think our next one is going to be "Breakfast Club" (never seen it) but then again, it's not my choice, it's Bubbles.

Spitsofrantic All Over the Place - My good buddy Spitso is having a show tonight at Northern Exposure and will be getting some radio airplay for the next few days on KRCL 90.9 here in the Wasatch Front area. If you're interested, there's also an interview with the future legend himself on the TV Ogden MySpace page. Sorry I didn't get this information out to you sooner...but I'm not his publicist (yet) and I just got the text. Again, wish him luck in about a month when he & Soulshakers Entertainment compete in the next round of the Bodog Battle of the Bands in Las Vegas, Nevada. Let me know if you want details...or just visit his MySpace link. It's worth a look...and a listen.

New Hottest Chile Pepper - Researchers at New Mexico State University have found a new Guiness record holder for the hottest chile pepper. It's called the Bhut Jolokia and originates in India, where it is cultivated by a group of satanic pepper practictioners who double as computer service technicians known as the Untastables. At the testing, it reached one million SHUs (Scoville Heat Units), nearly DOUBLE the old record holder. The name Bhut Jolokia translates to "Ghost Chile" and is said to have the taste of molten lava left out in the sun. I just thought that you'd like to know that there IS at least one thing out there that I wouldn't willingly eat.

Let's see, now to end the blog on a high note. Hmm, well, I did see "Barbarella" this morning before coming to work. It was the first time in a long time...and I must say, I'd watch it again...but next time, I need to have friends around me to share in the experience. It's truly one of the great horrible movies of all time. It even starred the late master mime Marcel Marceau briefly. Though I'm still researching the Orgasmitron, I like to think that I personify a little better with Pygor than Dr. Duran Duran. Why? He's a blind angel...but he has the best lines in the whole movie in my opinion. "An angel doesn't make Love., he IS Love" and "An angel has no memory." Two things that I feel all the time, especially the latter. Anyway, maybe a future movie night movie...and in the meantime, here's a picture of Jane Fonda as Barbarella...and another picture of her kissing Presidential candidate Stephen Colbert...and then a picture of her grabbing my junk. Love!!!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Scarface Movie Night

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Not much has happened since last time...except I slept. Oh, I did play a little NBA Live 2008 this morning. I'm starting to get the hang of the controls but the computer does like to keep the scores close...even if it means you're missing layups and they bang 30-foot three-pointers with the back-up point guard. You just have to keep pushing through it. "Barbarella" came through the mail so I'm looking forward to watching it over the weekend...but tonight is my "Scarface" Movie Night with my friend Bubbles...complete with drinking on a Thursday night. "But $teve, don't you work on Friday?" Yes, I do...but not until late afternoon (because I have no social life) so it's all good. With all those happenings stretched out into a paragraph, here's some news...

Mayor of my Hometown is a Badass!!! - For those of you who don't know, I was born in the city of Ogden, Utah. It's a nice town. Not great, but it could be a LOT worse. Sure, they tore down a failing mall and had a square mile gaping hole in the middle of downtown for a few years until recently. Sure, the crime rate is...we'll just say higher than Mayberry. Sure, they've recently decided to translate the DMV registration papers into English as well...but it's still a great town with a lot of great people...but at least one man is trying to make it better, Mayor Matthew Godfrey. Why do I mention him now? Somebody tried to break into his house Wednesday morning, so he jumped out of bed, checked the kids, and went to investigate. It was some punk twenty-year old kid. So he "ran him down and tackled him, wrestled him and put him in a headlock." The article makes a big deal about Godfrey being 135 pounds and the chief saying he's "half the burglar's size" but his attacker (or attackee) was 163 pounds...and probably a few grams heavier than normal in his bloodstream. Somebody needs to teach the police chief some math. That's just over 20% larger...and the burglar was probably strung out on goofballs or something.

Anyway, I think it may be a publicity stunt on the mayor's part...possibly. The burglar was a neighbor kid, whose parents are kind of tight with him...but he's a "wayward child" that the mayor used to teach in church. Hmm (Thinker pose). It's also a campaign year...and his primary focus is to cut down on crime. What better way to show your strong stance on crime than to tackle your own intruder at your home? Yeah, it may have been staged...then again, it may have not been. Who knows? Still, he's representin' O-Town. I wonder if he has tattoos showing how badass he is...

How Hot is Arizona? - In Mesa, Arizona, a woman was sentenced to ten years in prison for a heinous crime even after saying that she was sorry and never meant to hurt anybody. What was the crime? She stabbed her tied-up lover so she could drink his blood during a drug and alcohol-fueled sexual tryst. The victim agreed to be tied up but became alarmed when she pulled out a knife (understandable) and said that she wanted to drink his blood (okay, I'm starting to sober up). She then sliced into his leg, arm, shoulder, back, neck, and stomach (second date is out of the question now). Her attorney told the jury that she suffers from a personality disorder that causes instability and has taken responsibility for her actions. Instability you say??? Really??? He also wrote a sentencing memo that prison records show that she thought she was a vampire for the first several weeks she was in jail...or as it's professionally know to us doctors, Renfield Syndrome. You may be asking yourself, how did the victim let it get that far? Didn't he know that she was crazy? Probably...but he's a 46-year old man...and she's a 24-year old vampire. Have you seen female vampires? They're very hot...and tricky. Besides, she'll probably escape when the time is right. Bars can't hold vampires. She's just waiting for the night to be longer than an hour in Arizona. I wonder if my brother still has the scar from his encounter with a vampire (true story, girls can be FREAKY).

Hoes on Strike - In the Bolivian city of El Alto, prostitutes have sewed their lips together (facial lips, I double-checked) as part of a hunger strike to demand that the mayor (frequent customer?) reopen brothels and bars ordered closed after violent protests by residents last week. Lily Cortez, leader of the El Alto Association of Nighttime Workers (I kid you not, that's the group's name) said (through muffled speech, remember her lips are sewed shut), "We are fighting for the right to work and for our families' survival." The mayor has vowed not to reopen the institutions because of the protests by student activists towards underage drinking and crime stormed the red-light district last week. These activists went on a hunger now the prostitutes are doing the same...and they're not even being violent about it. Meanwhile, Ethiopia's hunger strike remains unanswered.

Interesting fact - In Bolivia, prostitution is legal...but not pimpin'. No wonder it reached this point. If even we had a few of our American-made pimphands in this impoverished nation, we could turn a profit and then some in this city of over a million Johns and/or Tricks. Mayhaps I need to learn some Spanish and speak with the mayor myself...and I'll bring my buddy Ogden Mayor Matthew Godfrey with me case, I need him to put El Alto's mayor in a headlock or something. I can't get my hands dirty with this manicure. Anyway, it's good to hear Bolivia in the news when it's not about drugs for once. Too bad it has to be because their pimp game is going limp. Play on playa, help is on the way...after I go straighten out Europe for a few weeks. Here's a few suggestions and reasoning behind it for those who go in my place
  • If Hoes don't eat, a Pimp don't eat - You can't milk dead cows, get the girls to eat...or at least lick down some ice cream to show what the townspeople are missing.
  • Meet with the Mayor and reach an accord with the man directly. It's the oldest profession, not a crime. Explain it to him with regards to the economy of his fair city. If that doesn't work, offer him a discount.
  • Help him to clean up the underage drinking problem. Children are the future...where else will you future Johns, tricks, and hoes come from?
  • This meeting should be held in an impartial location...preferably one without a cover charge. There has never been a conflict in the world that can't be resolved over a bottle of Courvoisier and a lap dance. The club is ten times better than a golf course...and just as expensive to get bidniss done.

    Anyway, that's about it for today. Busy day again at work...since they doubled our work...but hopefully these wildfires in California can be submerged soon. Just think, in a few years when the ice caps melt, we won't have to worry about wildfires in California anymore. Until then, I just hope that everybody over there is safe and sound. God bless our Firefighters!!! Toast!!!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Kairi's 1st Birthday!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Today is my niece Kairi's first birthday. It seems like just yesterday I was holding her pea-sized body in my arms saying to myself "Don't drop this thing. Don't you dare drop this thing. God help you if you drop this thing. They will never forgive you. Focus on keep this thing off the ground. That is your goal. Don't look into those beautiful eyes. There will be plenty of time for that when she's not so brittle." Now, she can hop around, climb like a monkey, kick like a mule, and take a drop from three feet square on her noggin. Not that I've done that or anything...but hypothetically. Anyway, as the coolest uncle ever, I just thought that I would share that with you...and show you pictures of her taken earlier today.

I'm really proud of my brother & sister-in-law for raising her over the past year (and I guess 9 months before that). She's a pretty good far. Can't wait for those Terrible Twos though. That's going to be fun to hear about, I'm sure. "I have no idea who fed her candy while I was babysitting. She probably stole it outta my hand. Anyway, have a good one. See ya in a few weeks...suckaz!!!"

You may be wondering how I spent the rest of my day...and I'm more than happy to share. My mom needed a ride to the airport early early early this morning...and being the greatest son to walk the Earth since Jesus, I was more than happy to help her. After that, my buddy Bubbles wanted to be a hot cop for Halloween...but she was on a strict budget. My dad was a police officer and county sheriff for about seventeen years, so I thought I'd stop by his house to see if he had any of the old gear. In the few hours between the ride to the airport and when he woke up, I went home and watched "Hostel Part II" but more on that later. After the movie, I went and hung out with my dad for a few hours while looking around for old cop stuff. We found some...but he threw most of it away a while ago. I think that Bubbles will be able to make due with what we found though. While hanging there, we flipped around the channels and watched "Magic" another creepy movie.

After that, I went home, changed for work, and am putting in another eleven hour busy day. Good times. Oh yeah...and I bought a bottle of Jaegermeister for a Scarface movie night tomorrow after work. If you have suggestions for a good Scarface drinking game, let me know. I'm thinking "Cackaroach" is a good word. Somebody getting shot may be a good action...but I'm open to suggestions.

Movies that Creep Me Out - As I've probably mentioned before, most horror movies have little to no effect on me in a frightening manner (yet I also confessed to fearing Michael Jackson because of the "Thriller" video and a fear of green toilet monsters as a child). However, the two movies that I saw earlier today are creepy to me...and I'll gladly explain why.

Hostel Part II - For those of you who refuse to see gory horror movies or have just been living under a rock for the past few years, this movie is about European backpackers who get tricked, drugged, and end up the end product in an organization where rich adrenaline junkies pay good money to murder somebody in Slovakia. The original and this one are really good for the same reason. It's really quite plausible that it could happen...and there are plenty of urban legends that there are actually places like this in Southeast Asia and other places in the world. Also, just a word of advice, if you're going on a long vacation in...say, two weeks...through Europe, it's probably not a good idea to watch a movie like this. Especially if you don't know the native languages, so they could be plotting right in front of you...and you have no idea. As for the movie, it was really gory but I liked I did the first one. Buildup, suspense, all the key elements of a good horror film were in play. Good show, Eli Roth.

Magic - We stumbled upon this 1978 classic on AMC. I had never even heard of it before...but it's great. You should check it out. It stars Sir Anthony Hopkins (back when he had real color in his hair) as Corky, a talented magician and ventriloquist with one little problem...he has a split personality, the other being his dummy Fats, who's a homocidal maniac with a hand up his backside. Burgess Meredith stars briefly as a manager trying to get him to the big time...but once he becomes a star, he goes back to his hometown and rents a room from his old flame Peggy, played by the always hot Ann-Margret. They start to get along...then the doll gets jealous...and the creepiness that is Sir Anthony Hopkins comes out. It's a great thriller in my opinion...because it's about somebody who simply crazy and can disassociate themselves from the evil stuff that they do...because they're delusional....and Tony Hopkins is just a creepy person in general. Look at those eyes when he does this movie, or Hannibal Lecter, or that new "Fracture" movie. He's got a gift. That's why he's been knighted. The Queen just said, "Oh bloody Hell, please stop giving me those googly eyes with that icy stare. If I knight you, do you promise to never creep us out again? My word!" "Absolutely your Majesty!!!"

Australians Know How to Party - A 31-year old barmaid in Pinjarra, Australia "is alleged to have crushed beer cans between her bare breasts" while an off-duty colleague was fined for hanging spoons from her friend's nipples, according to police Wednesday. Now, the beer-crushing barmaid and the hotel manager were both fined $1000 Australian (US$900) while the spoon balancer was fined A$500. Once again, Big Brother in Australia is trying to keep the party down...but the rebelloius nature of the Australian people still know how to party. I think that we, here in America, should take notice...and those among us who can recycle with our own cans (That's you, G-Cup Julie!!!) should do so...because you're not only helping people to party...but saving the planet.

Anyway, that's it for tonight. Barbarella is coming...and the movie is probably waiting in my mailbox right now. Yeah, it was a bad pun. So what? Have a great night...and I'll see you tomorrow...well, not see...but you know. Happy Birthday Kairi!!!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Am I A Nerd? Yes says I'm a Dorky High Nerd.  What are you?  Click here!
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I am, in fact, a nerd. I knew this long before taking this highly popular (and therefore absolutely true) online survey. However, I had no idea that I was a Dorky High Nerd. As you can see, my Sci-Fi/Comic percentile is rather high...along with my Dumb / Dork / Awkward level. Perhaps this explains why I can only communicate through the medium of the internet and not in real life, despite one of my mottos being "Make Awkward Social Advances, Not War." If that's the case, then why is my Technology / Computer score so low? Could this test be pointless and for entertainment purposes only? No, I refuse to believe it.

On the real though, I know that I'm a nerd. Who else would list their favorite movies in different random categories? Who else would gladly give his opinion about anything to do with any sport (even the little known ones) at any time? Who else could have this much useless trivial knowledge in their head but not be able to jump a car without frying the cables? Who else but a nerd would sign an online petition to get the TV series "Duckman" on DVD? Who else would report on news clippings that nobody cares Pandas, Colisimo brats, Michael Vick, and occasionally relevant worldwide news like the Philadelphia Eagles and Lindsay Lohan? To quote the great nerd spokesmen like Lewis Skolnick, Dudley Dawson, and Gilbert Lowell, "We've got bush", "All jocks ever think about is sports. All nerds ever think about is sex." and "I'm a nerd...and ugh...I'm pretty proud of it." (Queue "We are the Champions")

Anyway, enough of that. Here's more of those news updates...

Colosimo Catastrophe - As you may have heard, I heart Colosimo Sausages and Brats. For nearly sixty years, brothers Ernest & Gale Colosimo have made some of the finest spiced sausages ever constructed by man out of thier humble Magna shop. Now, their sons are a fussin' and a feudin' over altering the spices and it's ending up in court. It even caused the 74-year old mother to cry. Hopefully these crazy kids can settle their difference and keep making these spectacular meat products for generations to come. In the meantime, I'm just going to enjoy them while I can. Family & business rarely bacon and chocolate. Mmm bacon and chocolate...

Harold & Kumar Go F**k Themselves - Everybody loves Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle, right? Everybody who loved the first movie was highly anticipating Harold & Kumar Go To Amsterdam, right? Well, now they've decided to make it Harold & Kumar Escape Guantanamo Bay. It could still be funny. But with the dwindling Red Light District, deportation of stoner movies, Global Warming, could this be the beginning of the end of Amsterdam as we know it??? I guess I'd better get over there while I still can.

Anyway, busy busy day at work...and they just decided to basically double our workload because other departments need help. No biggie...yet. Again, try to make yourself as dependable, efficient, and expendable as the next guy...otherwise you get delegated all the work. Have a great day!!! See ya tomorrow.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Happy Birthday Megan!!!

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

I'd like to wish a happy 21st birthday to my first real girlfriend (who I don't think even reads this blog) and I hope that she is doing very well. I honestly haven't heard from her in almost a year now...but that's okay. She's a good girl and she's gonna be on the Food Network one day. You just wait and see. Being her twenty-first birthday, I'm assuming there's some celebrating going on for how did I celebrate? I went to a gentlemen's club for a few hours before heading off to work a few nighttime hours. I also finalized all my cruise activities, so I'm good to go in two weeks.

Gentlemen's Clubs - As I may have mentioned before, I like to visit gentlemen's club...especially with girls as my associates. So I was really glad the other day when two ladyfriends from work invited me to go along with them to Trails, a private club for members. When I'm 'in da club' I prefer a very laid back approach. Usually there's a beer in one hand and my other hand in my pocket...pulling out dolla dolla bills y'all...because cash rules everything around me. Anyway, back to the point. I try to keep a cool, calm, collected exterior...but it's like I'm in a Shredded Wheat commercial - "The adult in me likes the music, good food, and atmosphere..." "BUT THE KID IN ME LIKES TITTIES AND LOTS OF 'EM!!!" So I may seem like I'm dozing off...but it's only because blood is flowing away from my brain. Now, you ladies know.

One of the main things that I like about being the guy with girls at a that the dancers are more likely to sit with you for a minute and say howdy...and the girls you're with have no problem with saying what you're thinking. They'll squeal and giggle and holler all the stuff that the kid in you is screaming to get out...and you can maintain your supercool, laidback persona...and giggle to yourself a little bit. I did think of the birthday girl a few times today, especially when one of the dancers seemed to be able to scratch the back of her head with her foot rather easily. Flexibility is never ever overrated.

One of the very few bad things about these that not all the dancers are award-winning. Sure, it was kind of my own fault for going on a Monday afternoon...but I found my eyes being pulled towards the Colts / Jaguars game a few times. Not because it was an incredibly compelling game...but I just lost interest when a few dancers were up there. I didn't see any bullet wounds or anything (this time) but I just had to look away at times. Besides, I feel bad for staring...but then I think, "That's exactly what they're expecting, isn't it?" I guess it's like staring at the sun for too long. Also, one of the better dancers there had three Chinese symbols in that lovely area at the small of her back...and while her ass was gyrating, if my one semester of Chinese is correct, I believe it would translate to "No Change Given." I thought it was hot. Anyway, a fun time was had by all, then I had to come to work and that killed my buzz real quick.

I really really want to own a club though. The money must be amazing. You might be saying, "Oh, he wants it just so he can get with strippers all day" and first off, they're dancers. Secondly, I can keep my business straight when it comes to the ladies. When my money's involved, I can become a cold sum'bich. However, at the club today, I did give a lot of ones to my ladyfriends so that they could tip the dancers for me. You gotta keep the ladies happy...but they can buy their own drinks. Yeah, I had a dream of turning the Old Post Office in Ogden into a gentlemen's club (at least one floor) and call it the Lick 'n' Stamp (patent pending) but the downtown committe wanted something more "family friendly" so it's still a dream. It's a beautiful building...and it should be full of beautiful women. That's my opinion anyway.

Shopping is not my thing. I went to the mall today to find some shoes. In case I haven't mentioned it, my favorite shoes are the classic Converse high-tops, black with white logo, size fourteen. However, the tricky part is finding these shoes anywhere. I found some similar ones online but they're $70 plus...and sometimes the fit is funny. Also, I've found them at places like the supermarket for $20 before. So I went to the mall to find ANY Converse or similar shoes. The first two places (nameless to avoid negative publicity) didn't have Converse at all. Third place had some (four flashy pair) of the old school canvas ones but no basketball ones. A little peeved, I went to Payless to select from their six pair of size fourteens...and actually found a decent pair of basic black basketball shoes. That's all I need. I'm not TO or AI or T-Mac or anyother flamboyant superstar, I just need a pair of basic shoes that match everything. Hence, why shopping is not my thing.

I'll go shopping for what I need...or if I get to see a lady try on some sexy attire...but that hasn't been in high demand...but I'll give honest feedback...and find ways to entertain myself when I get bored. If you can't decide on which skirt goes with the shoes, while you're changing, I'll people watch...or I'll do something mildly entertaining to me, like dare kids to run out the door with a silky shirt (complete with purple dye pack)...or go to the register with a new pair of girl's jeans and say, "I'm sorry, I just thought that you should know...that these jeans are faded...and the knees are torn,,,and the pant legs are frayed at the end...seriously, I don't know which Goodwill store that you got these from...but you oughta be ashamed for selling them at $80 a pop. Ridiculous!!!" and then walk away...just in time for the next showcase. "Oh, I like how those jeans shape your ass sweety, lemme get a feel. (LOVE SLAP) Hell yeah." This may be one reason why I'm single too. Anyway, malls are just too fancy and I don't like paying for displays and marketing, so I usually shop at places like Wal-Mart and Target. Goodwill's cool too. That's where I get my Hawaiian shirts. Oh yeah, my fashion sense comes alive now, doesn't it? Don't lie. I know you're jealous. Anyway, time for the news again. Happy Birthday Megan!!!

Dumblebackdore - Okay, I'm sure by now that EVERYBODY has heard about author J.K. Rowling saying (more than likely joking) that master wizard Dumbledore from the Harry Potter books is a homosexual and prefers the company of men (Who doesn't?). However, with this in mind, I just found a new reason to watch the first few Harry Potter movies...and the latter ones again, just so that whenever Harry goes to talk to Dumbledore in his private chambers, it has a hilarious least to me. "Tell me about your dreams, Harry. Are you stressed? Would you like me to rub your shoulders? Maybe some cognac?" Also, I've heard through the internet grapevine that there will be yet another new actor playing Dumbledore in the next movie...

Yes, I am aware that there is a very MAJOR difference between a homosexual and a pedofile...but this is what I have to do to make Harry Potter entertaining to me. Is it really MY fault or J.K. Rowling? Yeah, I'm going to Hell. Oh well, I'll go laughing along the way. Mwahahahahahaha...

Panty Protest - Women from several countries have begun sending their panties to Myanmar embassies in a culturally insulting gesture of protest against the recent brutal crackdown there. The group, Lanna Action for Burma, says the country's superstitious generals believe that contact with women's undergarments saps them of power. There's the link for the website (on Blogger) so check it out if you're interested in joining the movement...or just let me know and I'd be happy to ugh...forward them on for you in a package. the website says, "Send early, send often!" It's better than just throwing them away...and you'll be taking a major step towards Burmese freedom and women's rights.

Anyway, that's enough from me today. Again, a happy birthday to Megan as we approach midnight. Hopefully you're having a great time and getting home safely.

Where should I go next?