Christmas Eve Ramblings

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

This morning I woke up, ate breakfast, and then met with my dad so that we could go get some good Utah Blaze tickets…because as blogged before, we strongly support professional REAL football in Utah. However, only season tickets were available when we called...so we'll have to wait a few weeks until single game tickets open up (We have very busy schedules...and he has a bail & chain. Hi Deleene!!!). If any of you may be interested in going with my father & I, please let me know and we'll see if we can get seats near eachother. It's great fun...and best of all, it's FOOTBALL!!!



Yesterday, I watched "Rush Hour 3" since it was new release Sunday (Christmas interfered with the usual Tuesday…but well worth it) and it was a third installment of Rush Hour. Same great formula of fast-spittin' Chris Tucker & ass-kickin' Jackie Chan, only this time…both are in a world they don't know…France (dun dun dun-dun-dun duuuuuuh). The similarities are very similar to the first two - lots of racial jokes, Jackie won't use guns, Chinese triad boss is from Jackie's past, betrayal all around them, one hot girl is trying to kill them, another hot girl is their only hope to finding out who's behind an evil crime organization, Tucker gets to dance & sing, car chases, blooper reel during end credits, all the things you love from the first two movies…just with the Eiffel Tower, Champs Elysees & sexy French accents this time.


Also in this movie, there's a particular scene where Tucker is listening to Jackie and the evil hot girl through a door…and he thinks that Jackie is taxin' dat ass like he's the IRS…but instead they're having a heated kung fu battles where she has an assortment of knives & stabbing weapons…while he has wit & 50+ years experience in beating down bad guys. I'm sure that any of us who have had neighbors with adjoining walls have had the situation that I want to make an after hours game show called "Fight or Fornication?" You hear the neighbors talking…then screaming…maybe a broken glass is involved…then there's a moment of silence (safe…but creepy at the same time…like the calm before the storm), then you hear it. Is it a domestic disturbance? Is it the makeup sex? There's really no rhythm…so if it is the latter…it's poorly executed…then again, natural instinct & rhythm aren't necessarily the same thing. More broken glass, the lady's screaming now, saying something…but you still can't make out what. Do you call the cops? You run the risk of either saving a damsel in distress or clockblocking your neighbor. What do you do? Well, when I had a girlfriend, we'd fight fire with fornication…even though she wasn't much of a screamer (more into holding her breath to enhance her giggidy…and of course, I saw that as a challenge). It would make for an interesting game show, I think. How about you?


P.S. I want to see Jackie Chan as a villain…is that wrong? Maybe have him in a big budget martial arts movie where he's the Southeast Asia opium kingpin…and it somehow puts him up against Thai superstar Tony Jaa…or even Tony Leung or Donnie Yu or something. I just want to see him as a bad guy…that can still kick ass.


Damn Catchy iPod Song - Okay, so for the past few months, there been that iPod commercial with that "1,2,3,4" song that I'm sure you've all sung along with…and probably danced with…and I thought just the other day, who the hell sings that song? Fairly cute girl in a tube top, catchy hook, basic melody, sung from the heart, not a horrible song by any means, but who sings it? Some newcomer? The only brunette I know anymore is Alanis Morisette…and it surely isn't her. It was hard to tell on the little iPod nano screen…even on my projector or my brother's HDTV…so I looked into it, as I usually do when curiosity strikes me…and luckily this time, it didn't end up killing this cat. The songstress is none other than Leslie Feist. Like Morisette, she's a brunette from Canadia, home of the Canadians…and actually danced as a child in the opening ceremonies of the 1988 Calgary Olympic Winter Games (think "Cool Runnings"). She's also been an indie folksinger on a few bands over the last decade or so…but didn't really break through until the iPod commercial. So with that being said…I don't feel too bad for not knowing who she was…and I've provided a link to her video….and other videos on VH1. Enjoy.


Speaking of VH1 - I don't watch VH1, MTV, or even BET anymore. I don't care what kind of crappy 'reality' shows with sexy, slutty celebrities you have (unless I have somebody to crack jokes with while watching it…Bubbles) but I just remember the days when those channels were about the music. Is there anybody else that would just be happier if you only had music videos 20+ hours a day…and maybe interrupted with occasional news updates on Courtney Love's latest coke-induced rant about nothing or which Goth rock heartthrob got arrested today for being edgy or some other entertainment stuff…instead of the other way around??? "Oh, Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant? Who the hell is that? Oh, it's Britney's sister? Damn, that sucks twice. Anyway, back to the latest Shakira video please." When I watch Music Television, guess what I want to see. As much Shakira as possible? That too…but my point was MUSIC. That's what I want to see…and hot girls…and maybe some Beavis & Butthead…but not too much.


Another Steve is Honored…FINALLY - Presidential candidate, best selling author, international political pundit, wrist injury survivor, addiction overcomer, and another great Steve, Stephen Colbert has been honored as the Associated Press's Celebrity of the Year…and it's about damn time. The award was given to him by a committee of newspaper editors and broadcast publishers who said that he had the biggest impact on pop culture this year. By the way, if you don't watch his Comedy Central show "The Colbert Report" then you're missing out on the funniest show on television involving real people (instead of cartoons). By the way, thanks to some negotiations in the writer's strike…"The Colbert Report" and "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" will be airing again soon. Fingers crossed.


Don't F**k with Chuck - Award-winning actor, martial arts expert, and American God of Badass Chuck Norris is suing a publishing company over a book that he claims exploits his famous name based on some internet list of "mythical facts" about him. Author Ian Spector and his book "The Truth About Chuck Norris: 400 Facts about the World's Greatest Human" includes such little known ditties as:

• Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.
• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
• Chuck Norris can charge a cell phone by rubbing it against his beard
• One Chuck Norris Roundhouse kick can power the country of Australia for 44 minutes

Panda News of the Day - Scientists in China may use a police dog to teach pandas to fight after the first artificially bred panda released into the wild was apparently killed after a battle with other animals. The 5-year-old male named Xiang Xiang, was found dead in the snow early this year after less than 12 months out of captivity. Scientists believe he fell from a high place after getting into a fight with wild pandas or other animals over food or territory. China is now preparing to release a second batch of up to four artificially bred pandas. Many or all would be females, which may be less prone to becoming involved in fights…but the police dog is supposed to help them out just in case. I know the real reason that they're teaching the pandas to fight…and I know that you're already assuming that it's about some kind of animal fighting organization where giant pandas fight to the death…like sumo wrestlers with teeth, claws, and flashy fur coats instead of diapers until a Yokozuna is crowned…but you'd be wrong…and it's partly my fault. Allow me to explain…

Over two years ago, I spent a month in China, one of the great experiences of my life. I was there on a Study Abroad program at the University of Shanghai…and part of this was to comprise a quick 5-minute oral presentation (BS session) about something fascinated me about my studies over the first two weeks in Shanghai. I decided on the topic of Preserved History in a Modern World…but being an insatiable smartass…and wanting to get everybody's attention in the early morning, I had to start with something memorable. Well, my teacher, the seven other students, and the Dean of the Study Abroad program of the University where there. The Dean was in a suit. So I start my report, "My report is about the ongoing research into an army of super intelligent animals such as Pandas, Tigers, and Monkeys by the Chinese government that I stumbled upon earlier this week…" The Americans laughed. The Dean did not. Not at all. In fact, he gave me one of the iciest stares that Man has ever witnessed. I believe it was the legendary Pu Gei Dong…or "Shit Eye" to us Westerners. After a few seconds (that seemed like many seconds), he finally smiled and laughed a little bit…then back to the Pu Gei Dong as I continued, "I'm sorry, that was just to break the ice. My real report is about how the People's Republic of China blah blah blah…"

Now, I know the Truth. They really are researching into this army of super intelligent animals. If not before my horrible smartass remarks, then certainly afterwards. Could it be possible that I gave them the idea…much like the idea of Panda Porn…to teach the normally peaceful creatures to be vicious blood-thirsty killing machines? Dear God, what else did I tell them when I was over there? Let's see…I thought their idea of the barber/brothel was great. I mentioned that it was funny that I was a solid six inches taller than the University's center on the basketball team…but Yao Ming is the tallest guy in the NBA. I did mention the idea of producing a starting lineup twenty years down the line with some lovely female members of the English club…but I don't think they caught my drift. Do you think they could have been playing dumb & later expressed this to the Dean too? Oh man, I've gotta check my journal (pre-blog years) to see what I else I may have told them. If this conspiracy turns out to be fact, then allow me to apologize to those I may have put in danger with my overactive imagination…and mouth.

Anyway, before I got to check on that, I would just like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas…and I'll check back with you in a few days with pictures of my adventures & presents galore from loved ones…and probably a few amusing anecdotes too. You never know what this blog holds…only that it's slightly insane…and has poor stagnant, rambling grammar. Merry Christmas to you & yours. Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease!!!

P.S. Bart Update - Genesis 7:69 - "And $teve said, 'Let there be LIFE!!!"