Giving Blood - Part 5

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

First & foremost, as of this moment, I have heard nothing from Vegas...and it's starting to bug me...but I'll get over it. Not much has gone on today except that I donated blood again. This time was a little different...for several reasons. One, I actually got some good sleep last night. Two, it wasn't done first thing in the morning...but around 3 PM. Third, I didn't get dizzy at all afterwards...and that might be because of the first two reasons...or that I've been jogging since last time...or just plain luck, who knows? I also met a nice six-foot tall nurse named Carrie, we talked about basketball and people assuming that we play...yet we do, so it's okay. Then I met Whitney, who sucked me thoroughly & completely professionally...so I had to stir it up a bit. Apparently, I kind of looked like I was zoning out at one point, "Are you tired, $teve?" "What? Oh no, I just ugh...don't like needles and all, so I just try to think about other stuff. Anyway, how long have you been doing this stuff?" "About eight months. Well, that's nice of you to donate being scared of needles and all." "Oh, not scared. Just don't like 'em. Besides, those people effected by the earthquake in China need my blood...so that they can save pandas and make toys for my future children." "(Laugh) Wow, that's ugh...that's great." "Yeah, but on the real, I assume this is going to help somebody else...and everybody that I help will probably help somebody else and so on and so on...and I think Karma will come back around." "Oh, so you're a hippie? (Laugh)" "Hey, I prefer granola child, Whitney." So yeah, that went well...and I donated. Now for other thoughts...

NBA Conspiracy? - Is there anybody else out there that thinks maybe...the NBA wants the Lakers & Celtics in the Finals? Or that they're having the referees call the games a certain way to make that happen? Now, I had my inklings into this conspiracy last year...when LeBron (the future) could simply do no wrong (and shoot 20 free throws a game) up until the NBA Finals when the Spurs stopped him...but disregarded it because, why would the NBA want the San Antonio team (like 25th largest market in the league) to win the championship if that were the case? Now, after watching a lot of playoff games...and the inconsistencies in charges, intentional fouls, and just ticky-tack touches, I think that there may be something more to it. Especially since it's been 20 or so years since the last Lakers (largest market in league) vs. Celtics (4th largest), Bird vs, Magic matchup (before Bird hurt his back & Magic got HIV). Funny thing, I'm sure that at least half the NBA's players weren't even in elementary the last time that happened. Heck, do you realize that some players weren't even born when Jerry Sloan became the head coach of the Jazz?

Sorry, I'm getting off point. Anyway, it seems that Kobe can now do no wrong...and he's a great player, don't get it twisted...but now it's contagious to his team...and when I see Bruce Bowen getting called for fouls for looking at a guy intensely...and then Derek Fisher can jump on Brent Barry's head in the closing seconds of a close game...and nothing is called. Then the next day, the league says "Yeah, a foul obviously should've been called...but it wasn't...so suckiteasy" and it was conveniently the first game back for official Joel Crawford...who threw Tim Duncan out of a game for sitting on the bench (apparently Mr. Crawford's having an old man's nervous breakdown...but he has tenure) then one just has to question this stuff a little bit. I even went with the Chicago Bulls (I think 3rd largest market) having a one in sixty chance of winning the NBA Draft Lottery...and they get it...when there's a Chicago-raised top draft pick that might bring back thoughts of MJ (Derrick Rose) and Miami (7th largest market but they admittedly gave up about halfway through the season) gets the second pick so that they can get an inside scoring presence being compared to legends like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar & Bill Walton already at the age of 19 (Michael Beasley). Maybe I'm just a little bit of a conspiracy theorist...like a tall Mel Gibson. Well, it's raining outside so that means that the black helicopters are closing in...so I'll just get off my milk crate for a minute. Just thought that I'd share a few thoughts with you. Maybe see what you guys thought if any of you watched basketball.

I Love the 80's...Action Stars - Anybody who's read this blog over the past week may now that I really like Sylvester Stallone and the movies that he's been in (okay, so I haven't really seen the "Italian Stallion" stag film that he was in...but still, any movie star with one of those in his portfolio gets respect from me). However, it may amaze you to the amount of 80's action movies that I have seen over the years. My dad LOVED all of them...and I kind of took to them too. Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Charles Bronson (though technically 70's), even the lesser films of Dolph Lundgren & Steven Seagal have all graced the Love household...and my dad actually has a pretty good collection of them. Sure, the plots may be questionable...but that's why there are terrorists & bullies in the world...so that they can take over a small town in the Midwest, a naval ship, the world, the future, whatever the situation calls for...and then it comes time for a quiet man, who's conveniently trained in the art of death...but just wants a quiet life to become the hero and single-handedly drop hundreds of bad guys...and you know they're bad guys because they wear bandanas and don't shave...as well as carry guns yet aim poorly. So with that in mind...and Sly's impressive line of work over the last thirty years, here's today's Movie List...

Sylvester Stallone Movies - By the way, did you know his middle name is Gardenzio? Just found that out.

Medal Winners

Gold - Rocky (1976-2007) - Sly wrote & starred in this Best Picture award winner & the ultimate Underdog Story. He even directed a few of the sequels. The story of the Italian Stallion (the boxer, not the porn star) Rocky Balboa who, as Fate would have it, gets a chance to fight the Heavyweight Champion Apollo Creed (Carl Withers) despite only fighting in boondock matches and being muscle for the Philadelphia underworld. He meets up with Mick (Burgess Meredith), an aging trainer who takes a liking to Rocky and tries to convince him that he has a chance...all he has to do is train...and apparently start a diet where he eats raw eggs, eats lightning, and craps thunder. Will Rocky win the fight? You'll have to watch the movie to find out...but I'll give you a hint. There are FIVE sequels...including one made last year where a sixty-something Rocky fights Antonio Tarver. Classics. There's the original, the Rematch, the one with Mr. T, the one where he fights Communism, the one where he was too old, and the one where he was REALLY too old. Watch them all His birthday's coming up on July 6th. What a great day to watch boxing movies for about 12 hours.

Silver - Demolition Man (1993) - The Prophecy has already begun...with Schwarzenegger being named Governor...and possibly President one day (try to look surprised). However, this tale of an officer falsely convicted of killing innocent people is cryogenically frozen for about thirty years...and brought back in a pansy future to stop the fiercest criminal of his time, Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes). Teaming up with the unstoppable team of Sandra Bullock, Benjamin Bratt, Denis Leary, and Rob Schneider, he must save San Angeles from Phoenix and his goons (Bo Jackson, Jesse Ventura, etc.). The hilarity and action ensues. I can't wait for the day that every restaurant is a Taco Bell...but I still have some questions about the three seashells. Be well.

Bronze - Rambo Movies (1982-2008) - John Rambo (Stallone) is a mentally unstable Vietnam vet who gets messed with by small town cops (including that badass David Caruso) and then starts a one-man war with them in "First Blood." Then, three years later, he comes back for a top secret mission...and a higher body count in "Rambo: First Blood Part II." Then another three years later, his C.O. Colonel Trautman (Richard Crenna) is kidnapped in Afghanistan...so now he has to go in to get him. Then in the latest one...well, here's my review of it from a few days ago. Lots of guns, explosions, and badassery. I think Stallone works out too.

Suggestion - Nighthawks (1981) - Not the Edward Hopper painting...but rather an action flick. Wulgar (Rutger Hauer) is an international terrorist that has brought New York City to its knees. Who can stop him? How about the unstoppable team of Deke DaSilva (Stallone) and Matthew Fox (not Matthew Fox but Billie Dee Williams)? Through in the Bionic Woman (Lindsay Wagner) as eye candy...and Rutger Hauer just being creepy...and a few twists and turns...and Sly yelling "You're (bleeping) dead!!" a few dozen times...and you've got a great flick. "Tango & Cash" (1989) was a great action comedy with Kurt Russell and Jack Palance as a bad guy. Oh...and Teri Hatcher's in it too. Check it out. Let's see, this millennium, "Driven" (2001) was a pretty good Renny Harlin movie...about Sly as a race car driver. Gina Gershon and Estelle Warren were in it for eye candy. I also liked "Cliffhanger" (1993) because it has rockclimbing and "Assassins" (1995) because it was badass...and had assassins oddly enough. Check them out too...but I'm rambling.

Flush It - Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! (1992) - Too easy to make fun of this movie...based solely on the title. Basically, Sgt. Joe Bornowski (Stallone) is going through a tough time, so his mom (Estelle Getty) comes to meddle. Along the way, she helps him out...as only a Golden Girl could...very annoyingly. I was also a little disappointed with "The Specialist" (1994) but I'm not sure why...because I got what I was looking for (Sharon Stone naked) but there was also a lot of explosions too. Oh...and James Woods was the bad guy. Nothing too spectacular...but check it if you want to see a steamy scene with Sly & Stone. "Daylight" was pretty lame too...but still action packed.

Future Watch - Notorious (2009?) - Apparently, he was really into doing this feature about the murders of 2Pac & Biggie...but is losing interest in it...and it's in jeopardy. Probably because he's trying to bring Gabe Walker back in "Cliffhanger 2" (2010?). I really think that the real reason though...is that he's taking the next step in his life...and looking to be "Senator Sly" (2012) and he may have a shot at it in Pennsylvania. I mean...he has a statue there already. I'd hate to run against somebody that already has a statue...even if I was the encumbant. Anyway, we'll see. If he were to join forces with Chuck Norris...he would be UNSTOPPABLE!!!

Another new sponsor idea...was the great Stephen Colbert...because I figured that he would jump at the opportunity to sponsor a fellow $teve...and I talk about him almost as much as he does. Okay, so that's pretty much impossible...but still, great South Carolinian dude with an ego similar to mine...and maybe if he needs a guest on his show down the line...we can talk about how great we are. It'll be fun. Anyway, that's probably at least weeks down the line. Have a great day everybody!!!

The Vegas-Cage Syndrome

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The past 24 hours have been a weird, zany mix of Las Vegas and Nicolas Cage. It started last night...when I posted my picture of the wax Nicolas Cage & me in Vegas. Okay, that happens. Yesterday, before going to work, I found that "Leaving Las Vegas" was on Comcast On-Demand...and I had never seen it...but being Vegas, I checked out the plot line...and after reading it, decided that I was going to watch it when I got home (Vegas, alcoholic Nicolas Cage, and my first real crush plays a prostitute). More on that later. Then Filly wanted to know if I rented "National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets" and when we can watch it. See, because I have to call her at the front door of her apartment complex on an intercom, I do my Nicolas Cage impersonation (which is really me just sounding really tired...or doing that bad Con Air southern accent...or both). Okay, the movie came out on DVD Tuesday, it happens. I go home, my mom calls me & talks to me about Vegas, Bubbles calls who lives in Vegas (and thinks Nicolas Cage is really hot for some reason), even Mrs. Wingman called...and asks me about Vegas (and other stuff). Then I watch "Leaving Las Vegas", then flipping through the channels...and "Showgirls" is on VH1, then Lewis Black's Root of All Evil matchup is Las Vegas vs. the Human Body (Vegas won). Of course, the Travel Channel had its usual Vegas lineup, the World Series of Poker was on a few channels, okay, now it's getting really weird. Hell, when I watched National Treasure this morning, I was half expecting the City of Gold to be located in the Luxor. Coincidence? You be the judge.

Okay, where to start? I really liked "Leaving Las Vegas" starring Nicolas Cage and Elizabeth Shue (my first crush thanks to "Adventures in Babysitting"). It's a story about a depressed, alcoholic screenwriter (Cage) who gets let go...and decides to move to Vegas to drink himself to death. While down there, he meets a beautiful prostitute (Shue) who feels something special and unexplainable with him...and offers him a place to stay instead of the dingy motel that he was staying at. Now, I'll admit that what got me to finally watch this movie was the mention of Vegas & Shue...but it was actually a really good movie...despite being depressing on many levels. You see, a few years back, my dad battled alcoholism...and almost lost. So to see a creative, tortured soul of a gentlemen (with balding forehead) go through the twitches...and the mood swings...and the refusal to accept help brought back many memories of those days. Also, I felt a lot for Sera (Shue's character) who had this unexplainable attraction and willingness to help him...even though all signs pointed to heartache. It's a great story about how we all have our great qualities and our own baggage...but sometimes we're just lucky enough to stumble upon that special someone who completes us & compliments us...is willing to help us realize our dreams, even the unspoken ones (like drinking bourbon off every inch of her body in this movie) and basically makes us whole...or at least a whole lot happier. I found myself saying "Come on now, you two love each other. What's the big f**king deal? Get to the storybook ending." Check this movie out if you like dramas. It even has its clever, funny moments...but yeah, it's 98% drama...and I got to see Shue's boobs. Nice. Okay, so that last part probably nullified anything that I said earlier about the experience of the human condition...but that's how I am. Complicated yet simple...and creepily honest.

This morning, I watched "National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets" with Nicolas Cage, Diane Kruger, Jon Voight, and Ed Harris and it was pretty good. I really liked the first one...because of the whole kind of Indiana Jones, Librarian, nerdy & clever hero explorer with a really hot girlfriend and comedic sidekick thing. It's good stuff. Sure, some of the clues may be a little farfetched but at least they keep it exciting and funny. I wish that I could tell you more about this movie...but you should probably check it out.

Oh...and to keep the apparently new Vegas theme to this blog, I'll be checking out the worldwide web for places to rent in the area, in anticipation of a move there...so if you know of any good sites to check out or know peeps in the area, please let me know. It'd be much appreciated. In the meantime, here's some news...

Tirana, Albania: City of Candles - A cat chasing a mouse in Tirana's main power station caused a 72-hour blackout across parts of the Albanian capital, the electricity company's spokesperson (Morgan Freeman?) said on Friday. "A cat and a mouse ran into the high-voltage cables," a company spokeswoman said, showing pictures of the electrocuted animals. "We took pictures because we've never had anything like this." Albanians complain bitterly about the power cuts that have plagued them for decades, and are mostly blamed on drought and the dilapidation of the communist-era grid. Most homes and shops in Tirana rely on petrol generators. It's amazing when a little game of cat & mouse can bring a city to its knees. That's like the huge blackout of the Northeast a few years back being caused by somebody accidentally kicking out a plug under their desk…or finally turning on that lamp in the corner…and then the power grid is overloaded. The straw that broke the camel's back, I guess. Looking at this picture of the friendly cat & mouse team…like an Albanian Tom & Jerry…I think the animals are starting to fight back…and they know where to hit us, our Technology. I'm just saying…keep an eye on your pets. When they stare at you…when you're home cleaning dishes or something…they're studying you. Looking for your weaknesses. Then one day, they'll pounce…and then all the Friskies AND Meow Mix will be theirs.

(Sorry for getting the Meow Mix jingle stuck in your head)

Panda Update - With the death toll of last week's Chinese earthquake fast approaching 50,000 and a reported five million people being homeless, I tend to focus on the Pandas…because apparently they're important too…and they're not as depressing. I stumbled upon this NY Times article about a 12-person American tourist group being rescued from the Wolong Natural Reserve a few days ago and they reported that all the animals were skittish and sensed the earthquake a few minutes before it happened. There are roughly 1,600 pandas living in the wild in China, most spread across 44 nature reserves in the Sichuan Province, where the epicenter of the quake was. Long before the quake, researchers at Wolong had been placing hidden cameras throughout the reserve to monitor pandas in the wild. Now those scenes will be used to help assess the impact of the disaster. As yet, not a single panda is known to have died, a sharp contrast to the human horror unfolding elsewhere in the mountains. Rescue workers were even able to save 13 panda cubs along with all the foreign tourists at the reserve. A senior security administrator did die however while taking part in the rescue efforts. Amazing stories of both tragedy and heroism coming out of this natural disaster. Hopefully many more are saved and they can rebuild quickly.

That'll do it for today. My best wishes go out to Becca who hurt her back & knee the other day. I wish you a speedy and complete recovery. Also, best wishes out to Bubbles & her family...and the Wingmans, as always. Remember to tell your loved ones that you love them. They may not know it. Tune in tomorrow...where I may be talking about yet another conspiracy theory (concerning the NBA Lottery), other random happenings, and maybe a Movie List. I haven't done one of them in a while. Have a great night everybody...and I'll see you around.

You Shook Sinatra's Hand

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Movie Night was a success. Bubbles, the Mad Scientist, and From Russia with Love came over after I got off work and we watched "Ocean's 13" with George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, and Al Pacino. I've talked about this movie before...and it's just as good the second time around. I spent most of the money wondering if I would look good in a cream colored suit with a pink undershirt...without having to look like Brad Pitt. I've got the cream suit...but I have this sneaking suspicion that I would look ridiculous dressed like that. Maybe my undershirt's collar just isn't big enough. I have no fashion sense. Then I thought that it had been a while since I've seen "Cool World", so I rented that this morning. It seemed like kind of a quick night...but then again, I had a pretty good buzz going. Good times...and no headaches the next morning. YAY!!! Today, I have the day off...but I'll probably just end up doing laundry and all that lame stuff.

Don't Mess with the Colonel - Kentucky state Representative Charles Siler is sponsoring legislation to make KFC's "finger lickin' good" chicken as the state's official picnic food (Utah's official picnic food is Jell-O with carrots). As always though, PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has a problem with it, claiming that the chickens they serve are abused, even tortured. PETA VP Bruce Freidrich (second cousin of Da Vid?) made the statement, "If the state legislature moves forward with this one, then they should change Kentucky's state bird from the cardinal to the debeaked, crippled, scalded, diseased, dead chicken." Not a bad idea…but try getting that past legislation. "What will you have this evening, sir?" "I'll have…the restrained, malnourished, and beaten baby cow with brenaisse sauce." "I'm sorry, what was that?" "Oh sorry, the veal." I can see PETA's point (my God, did I just say that?) but it doesn't matter…because Colonel Sanders' chicken with the mixture of eleven herbs and spices served in a variety of manners is just that good. You can't reason with it. It doesn’t feel compassion. It just tastes delicious. That…and the fact that Yum Brands, the company that owns KFC & subsidiary of Pepsi is based in Louisville. Just remember, that if given the chance, a chicken would eat you and everybody that you care about…so enjoy your popcorn chicken.

Starship Troopers Prequel - Speaking of animals rising against us, University of Arizona entomologists have found evidence of a genetic mutation in insects that are adapting to genetically-modified cotton fields specifically designed to resist insects. So far, the evidence has only shown the mutation in bollworms…but they're looking into the other major insects. It's evolution. These studies were done over the course of about six years. The life cycle of a bollworm is 35-50 days. That means that they had somewhere in the field of 40-60 generations to become immune to these genetically-enhanced cotton plants. That's like 1000 years for humans. Should we genetically alter plants…and thus aid the insects to evolve stronger and at a much faster rate…until they (somehow) devise a way to transport themselves through space to invade plants and completely destroy them…with only Denise Richards, Jake Busey, and the great Neil Patrick Harris to protect us? My opinion: Absolutely not. We should focus our efforts on eliminating any and all insects from the planet Earth. Sure, PETA and a bunch of other 'scientists' will say that an insane & crazy idea…but I'm willing to discuss it in a roundtable format. In fact, that'll be the topic of discussion on my new show, "Dr. Love Talks About Random Conspiracy Theories in the News" on UPN. Does UPN even exist anymore?

Woody Allen Can Do Anything - Okay, so Woody Allen is making another movie titled "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" and it has a three-way sex scene with stars Scarlett Johannsen, Penelope Cruz, and Javier Bardem. The film itself tells the story of a painter who enters a relationship with two American tourists, but conflict begins with the painter's jealous ex-girlfriend…but honestly, who cares? Do you see what happens when you give an incredible performance as an actor like Javier did in "No Country for Old Men"? You get to have tasteful sex scenes with Hollywood starlets. When you make good movies, you can then direct soft-core porn on a Hollywood budget. (In my worst Woody Allen voice, talking into a cell phone) "Oh gee, I don't know. It's pivotal that I get great actresses to play these parts. Well…I've always wanted to see Scarlett's ass first-hand ever since Lost in Translation…and maybe we could get Salma Hayek. (Rabble rabble) Really? Well, how about we get that other chick, you know Tom Cruise's sister Penelope? (Rabble) Oh they were MARRIED? Isn't that illegal? (Rabble) Oh, it's C-R-U-Z. That's funny…you know…in a 'me' kind of way." This may go down (tehehe) as one of the greatest lesbian love scenes of all time, up there with Gina Gershon & Jennifer Tilly in "Bound", Naomi Watts & Lara Herring in "Mulholland Drive", Angelina & that other chick in "Gia", and is as highly anticipated as the lesbian werewolf movie "Jack & Diane" with Ellen Page & Olivia Thirlby coming (tehehe) in the next year.

Fortune Cookie of the Day - "Soon you'll have a chance at a profitable transaction…in bed." - Am I going to become a Man-Whore? HA HA HA…I wish. I'd also like to give a big shout-out to my buddy Captain Monty who recently starting reading the blog…and apparently enjoyed my silliness.

Well, I guess that's really it for today. Nothing much has happened recently...and it's that time of year again, Valentine's week...and this is historically a crappy time for me. How, you ask? Well, on Thursday, I'll refer to my journal (oh yeah, I've had an actual paper journal for almost twelve years now) to emphasize how this week isn't my favorite...and yeah, it's partly my fault of course, but it is what it is...and not my favorite time of year at all...but it could be worse. Anyway, have a great night everybody!!! I truly hope that your Valentine's Day goes a lot better than my National Single Awareness Day.

Stay Classy, San Diego!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Another last-minute Movie Night has been planned for this evening, since I get off work earlier than expected (thanks to working more than expected this weekend). Come one, come all as always. Last night, after speaking with Mr. & Mrs. Wingman about a trip to Southern California, I researched exactly what there was to do in San Diego…and my goodness, am I excited now. I had spent a few hours in port there a little over a year ago on my first cruise…and I decided to try to surfing…while nursing a major hangover…not exactly the best combination in the world…that would still be peanut butter and chocolate. Other than that, I went to SeaWorld when I was about six years old. So after some research, here's what I'm thinking sounds like fun…at least to me...

Beaches - I'm not talking about all the tig-bittied blondes with the volleyball action…though there will definitely be some of them there as well. I'm talking about where the ocean comes all the way up onto the sand…and you can just walk out into the water. You can look off into the distance and see where the water meets the sky…and just reflect on your life…and the wondrous experience of standing in the world's largest pond. Or you can kick back in a lounge chair, watching all the girls go by, build a sand castle, play some volleyball, whatever you want to do. I may want to get a tan before going. Best part though - It'll be at least thirty degrees warmer than it is here in Slick City. At least. According to the Travel Channel, Coronado Island has the 2nd best beach in America. We may have to stay there.

San Diego Zoo - They have Pandas!!! That's with an S on the end…as in more than one…as in my panda porn idea could potentially be in use at this place. That amuses me without even seeing it…and don't think that I won't ask about it. Don't you dare think that. There's also the Wild Animal Park with Condors, Cheetahs, Elephants, Lions, Tigers, Bears, oh my it's going to be fun.

SeaWorld - Killer Whales, Penguins, Polar Bears, Porpoises, Flamingoes, Sea lions, Sharks (that have probably tasted man flesh), and starting this Spring, Sesame Street characters are going to be there. Though it won't yet be open for our trip, I still plan on feeding the dolphins with a Count voice. "Vun fishy wishy. Ha ha ha!!! Two fishy wishy. Ha ha ha!!!" There's also other cool things like the R.L. Stine Haunted Lighthouse, Shipwreck Rapids, and MANATEES!!!

Scripps Aquarium - You already know that I love aquariums…but this is a large well-funded aquarium…with cool stuff…and reasonably priced Whale Watching excursions that I plan on taking advantage of. The cool thing about the Whale Watching is the if you're guaranteed to see Whales…or you can take the tour again at another time. What does that mean? If you don't see anything…you get to not see anything again. Isn't that awesome? I'm certainly going to practice my Humpback Whale calls. I'm gonna see me something…the first time.

LEGOLAND - In Carlsbad, there's over FIFTY rides that you can be a part of…like being a Firefighter, a Pirate, a Knight, a Test Driver, and so many more. The only problem is a lot of rides have a height restriction. Wait! It's actually up to a 46" MINIMUM height. We 80" bastards can go on the rides!!! Woo-hoo!!! U-S-A!!! U-S-A!!! Besides, even if the rides are a little on the small side for us, all we have to do is just grab a few pieces from one of the other rides…and build our own. It may take a little time…but it'll be worth it. We'll be there just before the opening of Land of Adventure on March 10th…but that's okay. We'll live. Oh…and by the way, if you haven't realized it yet…I'm basically a ten-year old nerd at heart.

Downtown - With San Diego being Spanish for "Whale's Phallic" you can imagine that there's a lot of nightlife to be had…as well as many museums of both historical and artistic value to be had. There's also Balboa Park, which is the world's largest urban cultural park…and home to more than a dozen museums.

The OC - Just over an hour outside of San Diego is a place where billionaires are looked upon like mere millionaires. Where women flock to find a sugar daddy (and a certain Doctor may be in search of a sugar mama). Where the beer flows like wine. I'm talking about…the OC. You may be asking yourself, "Dr. Love, how could you possibly afford to spend three nights there, drinking fine champagne, eating the freshest of seafood, and possibly sweeping some fascinating, playette-in-her-prime cougar off her feet?" Because I have a Hook-Up…and where there's a Hook-Up, there's a way.

Knott's Berry Farm - Because life isn't about basking in the sun all day looking fabulous, about a half-hour from the OC is one of my favorite amusement parks EVER. The rides are twice as good as Disneyland…and the lines are usually non-existent. You get to ride…and ride…and ride…and ride…until you actually need a break from the exhaustion of screaming and having adrenaline pumping…as opposed to standing in triple-digit weather for hours in between rides. I've been around the world and I… I… I… I would put this up as the greatest bang-for-your-buck amusement park in the WORLD. That's how much I like this place. If you're even in Buena Park, check it out.

So yeah, I'm a little excited about this trip. Now hopefully my job will play nice and not pull any more last-minute switcheroo stuff…but if they do, they only have a few weeks to surprise me. I'm really looking forward to this trip…and I'm sure that we won't be able to do ALL of these things…but we do have a week…and we know how to have fun when there's absolutely nothing to do…so I think we're set. I'm going going back back to Cali Cali. That's right. Two Biggie references when talking about this trip. Don't worry. As soon as I get there, I'm going to be humming Beach Boys tunes all week. From "California Girls" on the beach to "Let's Go Surfing Now, Come on a Safari with Me" at Wild Animal Park to "Salt Lake City, we'll be coming soon" on the way home. Sorry, I forgot my iPod today…and am forced to sing to myself. Here's some news...

Pot Speak About Kettle - Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards was at a round-table interview at the Berlin International Film Festival promoting the new Martin Scorsese documentary about the Stones titled "Shine A Light" when he decided to offer some advice to Amy Winehouse (who won five Grammys yesterday, so congratulations to her) on kicking her drug habit. "She should get her act together. Apart from that, I have got nothing to say to the b**ch." Not to be outshined by his guitarist, lead singer Mick Jagger then threw in his two cents, "When we were experimenting with drugs, little was known about the effects. In our time there were no rehab centers like today. Anyway, I did not know about them." You're absolutely right, Stones. You always are. Betty Ford was WAY after you guys stopped experimenting with drugs. You were well on your downward spiral as the most overrated rock band of all time by then. There was no possible way to know about the effects either. Are you f**king kidding me? Yes, Amy Winehouse should really get her act together. She has some serious skills. I'd like my buddy Lindsay Lohan to do the same…and Eva Mendes…and Kirsten Dunst…and any other working actress under the age of thirty it seems. However, I have a theory about this…and please…here me out.

This "wild" theory of mine…is that Rehab…is the new destination. Think about it. Where are all these ladies going for their rehab? Park City, Utah during ski season (and even beautiful in the summertime too). Not only that…but it's fully-catered, professional physicians are always on staff, the food is exquisite, attention to every detail of your stay, full fitness facilities, and fresh mountain air. I mean...Cirque Lodge sounds like some kind of Swiss Chateau anyway. It's an exclusive getaway for celebrities…like a Hollywood Curves or something…where you're basically surrounded by your fellow hot, young actors that know how to party. I wouldn't be surprised if there's a full bar and dance club at the treatment center. Yes, I'm absolutely sure that they're also treating them to overcome addictions…but doing it in style. Why do you think that celebrities keep wanting to go back? Two more visits and Lindsay gets to free weekend. It's actually quite ingenious. I'm surprised that somebody hadn't thought about this earlier. Before, you'd have to fake your own death and retreat to the Island like 2Pac, Aaliyah, and JFK Junior. This is much simpler…and people ask fewer questions. Anyway, that's my theory…and I wish you the best of luck in turning your life around Ms. Winehouse. Oh…and Mr. Richards, please don't give advice unless it's how to MacGyver a syringe out of a rubber band, a safety pin, and a roll of toilet tissue. By the way, this is the same guy who in September 2006 claimed he stopped taking drugs not because it was detrimental to his health…but because he had become immune to them. Yeah, that's probably the best way to kick the habit. He may very well be the Highlander…and has us all fooled.

Okay, I'm done rambling for the day. Movie Night tonight for anybody interested!!! Have a great night no matter what you decide to do!!!

New Year's Eve Eve

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Let's see…after the last entry, I went to my Aunt Missy's birthday party at Barbary Coast…but primarily watched the Patriots game as they went for a perfect regular season…and really are one of the best football teams ever assembled. I would be really surprised if they didn't win it all. The party was a lot of fun. Beverages were had (but not too much, I drank responsibly) and most of the time, my uncle & I just sat and talked about football and all the usual catching up stuff. We discussed in detail how "The Tuck" changed football forever…and maybe not for the better. Oh yeah, I don't know if I mentioned this…but my uncle's a Raiders fan. Poor guy. Just imagine a world were Tom Brady really did fumble in that fateful AFC championship. Were that the case, it would have been the Raiders going to the Super Bowl. Drew Bledsoe would have started for the Patriots the next year (and still suck) as Brady was benched as another "Flash in the Pan" or better yet, traded to the Lions while his stock was hot…where he would have been sacked eight times a game…and suffered some kind of career-ending injury as so many have in the Murder Capital of the World (I don't care what statistics say about St. Louis). Unable to play football, he is the star of the next season of "The Bachelor" instead of former Giants QB Jesse Palmer…and lives the rest of his life in media scrutiny. Meanwhile, Rich Gannon wins Super Bowl MVP. Jerry Rice heads the influx of free agents joining Oakland and its consistent fan base in the Sunshine State…and the Oakland Raiders are the dynasty, not the Patriots. Then again, that didn't happen…so then we discussed topics such as:

• "I think the Patriots need to change their name to the Boston Patriots. New England isn't a state or a city, it's a region. It's not like you can name your team the Southwest Cardinals or the Appalachian Titans. If you're going to do that, you might as well call yourself the American Patriots…and play the American Cowboys…or the Bald Eagles. It's ridiculous…and same goes for those Golden State Warriors. You play in Oakland. The Oakland Warriors sounds more threatening anyway."


• "Brett Favre may be old…but I have memories from the year he was drafted. Vinny Testaverde (who played his last game today) on the other hand, that guy is REALLY old. Number one pick in 1987 and still playing? Wanna know what I remember from 1987? Nap time. Doesn't his last name mean 'Green Testicle' in Spanish?"


• "That rookie running back Adrian Peterson is so good that he plays for two different teams. I've seen it. He's setting all kinds of rookie rushing records with the Vikings…and still has enough energy to play later in the day with the Chicago Bears. I watched them play each other twice and he just changes uniforms and puts on a dreadlock wig during the commercial breaks."
  

(By the way, for those who don't know…there are two rookie running backs named Adrian Peterson. The one for the Bears was third string until the first two got hurt. He actually threw a touchdown pass today and had a pretty good season)

Needless to say, there was a lot of BS'ing going on as we listened to the house band Phat Daddy play covers of Rock & Roll classics as well as some originals, mostly novelty songs. The important thing was that everybody had a good time and got home safely. Big ups to Designated Drivers!!! After about two hours, I went home.

To wind down, I watched "The Brothers Solomon" starring Will Arnett & Will Forte as two brothers who grew up in Alaska with their dad, so they have no idea who to interact with women. Then, their dad (Lee Majors, by the way) goes into a coma but the doctor said that his last wish was to see a grandchild…so now the brothers make it their mission to get him a grandchild…as soon as possible. Queue hilarious antics. The movie was more of an unexpected kind of a funny…but funny nonetheless. Think of it (as the reviews indicate) as "Dumb & Dumber" meets "Knocked Up" but more quirkiness. Anyway, I'd give it a gander if you get the opportunity. I'll admit, some of you will like it, some of you will hate it. It's one of those kind of comedies. Most of you that'll hate it…will be women.

This morning, I downloaded more of my vast & extensive CD collection onto my new iPod…and I have about a thousand songs on there right now…with maybe a third of my collection on there. One of the coolest things about it is going through CDs that I haven't listened to in a while (because I really only listen to them in my car…and only put a few in there at a time…when I think about it). For example, I don't know what it is…but I really like the Statler Brothers. Most of you probably have only heard "Flowers on the Wall" because it was in Pulp Fiction…but their music always seems to put a smile on my face. I also ran into my first CD. Any guesses as to what it is? Place your bets. Ready? My first CD that was given to me on Christmas…was Hootie & the Blowfish "Cracked Rear View". The first CD that I ever bought…was Bush's "Sixteen Stone." Yeah, it was a while since I had heard either of them. Now, I'll have all these songs readily available on a whim to put on my car radio at any time. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm sure you all have similar guilty pleasures…and I'd love to hear about some of them. By the way, the picture on the side came up when I put in iPod...and it looked great to me. No further explanation is needed.

Am I the only one semi-excited about the new "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles" TV series coming out in a few weeks? Fox may be looking for a big budget series to get some attention and using a well-established icon like the Terminator trilogy is definitely a good option…but the reason that I'm so excited about it…is that Summer Glau is the Terminator robot sent back to help. She played River on the "Firefly" series…and yes, she's hot…but she was also born exactly one year after I was conceived…and in the city of San Antonio (huge Spurs fan since I was eight)…and is an accomplished ballerina (flexibility is never ever overrated). I think that if we ever met, we would totally hit it off…but we'll see if that ever happens. Where was I? Oh yeah, so robots, time travel, guns, ballerinas, and even Queen Gorgo of 300 (Lena Headey) as Sarah Connor. It could be cool. We shall see. So again, am I the only one excited? I haven't heard much from anybody else.

Fortune Cookie for the Day - "Others find your charm irresistible…in bed." - It's true. I am a fairly charming fellow according to popular opinion…and in bed, I've been told the same. Mostly because I'm fairly unpredictable…a bit zany…and I'm always looking for the smiles. Maybe that's why this blog gets over a hundred hits a day. Do you guys (and hopefully gals) think I'm charming? At least entertaining? Validate me please.

Other than that, I really don't have much to talk about tonight…and I've already talked entirely too much about football…so maybe I'll do my last movie list for the year. Why not? So here it goes…

Dark Comedies - Now, these movies may not really be dark comedies per se…but they are movies that I'll watch…and laugh hysterically throughout…but not in the Jim Carrey kind of way. You know what I mean, right? Oh…and I eliminated Quentin Tarantino from the competition because he'd take all the spots except the Flush It…but it's my blog…so I can do that.

Medal Winners

Gold - Fight Club (1999) - For those of you who haven't seen this movie for one reason or another, you should check it out…even if it's Rated R and against your belief system. God would understand. Believe me. It's a very satirical view on modern commercialism and cult behavior…told through the eyes of an average Joe (Edward Norton) who meets a free-spirited eccentric (Brad Pitt) and they have a wonderful adventure together that ends in worldwide acts of commercial terrorism. Trust me, you WILL enjoy this movie. I don't care if you find every scene hilarious…or don't get half the jokes the first time through…at the very least you'll laugh when Helena Bonham Carter says, "I haven't been f**ked like that since grade school." (Fun little tidbit, originally in the book, that line was supposed to be "I want you to be the father of my abortion" but the studio thought it would be too controversial for some reason) Go check this movie out. If you don't like it, I'll cook you dinner. Deal?

Silver - Thank You for Smoking (2005) - Nick Naylor (Aaron Eckhart) is the ultimate PR guy for Big Tobacco, but while he's trying to BS his way past clinical studies and lobbyists, he's also trying to be a good role model for his son (Cameron Bright, the creepy kid from "Ultraviolet"). It's just great comedy all around with David Koechner, J.K. Simmons, Maria Bello, William H. Macy, Katie Holmes, Rob Lowe, Sam Elliott, Adam Brody, even Robert Duvall is in this movie. For anybody who smokes…or knows somebody who smokes…or knows anybody that likes to BS for a living (Note: I BS for a living) you should check this movie out at least once. You won't regret it. I guarantee it. Would I give it a Silver Medal if I didn't truly think so?

Bronze - Boondock Saints (1999) - Okay, this movie REALLY doesn't qualify officially as a Dark Comedy…but I still laugh while watching it hysterically. I think it's supposed to be a badass shoot-em-up movie starring Sean Patrick Flanery & Norman Reedus as Irish fraternal twins who assassinate some of the evil men of Boston while being tracked down by the FBI (the always creepy Willem Dafoe heading the investigation). The evil men of Boston retaliate by sending the legendary Il Duce (Billy Connolly) after them. There's a lot of guns and a lot of laughs. I've also been told by several ladies that the lead actors are kind of cute…in a belligerent Irish kind of way. I don't know what they meant by that exactly…because they weren't redheads…but whatever. Just forwarding information to you as always.

Suggestion - American Psycho (2000) - A wealthy New York investment banking executive hides his alternate psychopathic ego from his co-workers and friends as he escalates deeper into his illogical, gratuitous fantasies. Based on the book by Bret Easton Ellis and directed by Mary Harron ("The Notorious Bettie Page") and starring Christian Bale in the lead role, I've talked about this movie before…and I find it hilarious and disturbing at the same time. There's also great performances by Willem Dafoe (again as a detective), Reese Witherspoon, and others…but yeah, you should probably check it out…the extended director's cut. Yes, I'll let you borrow it as long as you promise to return it…but don't see the sequel with Mila Kunis & William Shatner. Needless to say, the sequel sucks.

Flush It - Crash (2004) - Okay, allow me to explain. I was having a little trouble thinking of a bad dark comedy…because if a movie isn't funny, I will naturally eliminate it from the comedy genre. So I went to IMDB to look at a list of dark comedies…and near the top was the Best Picture for 2004, Crash…which is a great movie with an incredible ensemble cast that looks at racism from many different perspectives…but to call it a dark comedy…is just not funny at all. This is a dramedy by a streeeeetch of the imagination…but not funny at all. I think that everybody might wanna check out this movie…but if you're looking for a laugh…look elsewhere. Watch one of the other four previously mentioned movies. If you do watch this one, then be prepared for a bit of an emotional rollercoaster in quite the opposite direction. I mean...I know you're not supposed to judge a book (or movie) by its cover...but LOOK AT THE COVER!!! Something tells me that it's not going to be a laugh riot.

Have a great evening…and be sure to stop by my blog some time early in the year 2008…for tomorrow night (since I'll be working instead of getting spit-faced) I will be presenting various awards known as the Stevies. Stay tuned.

Christmas Eve Ramblings

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

This morning I woke up, ate breakfast, and then met with my dad so that we could go get some good Utah Blaze tickets…because as blogged before, we strongly support professional REAL football in Utah. However, only season tickets were available when we called...so we'll have to wait a few weeks until single game tickets open up (We have very busy schedules...and he has a bail & chain. Hi Deleene!!!). If any of you may be interested in going with my father & I, please let me know and we'll see if we can get seats near eachother. It's great fun...and best of all, it's FOOTBALL!!!



Yesterday, I watched "Rush Hour 3" since it was new release Sunday (Christmas interfered with the usual Tuesday…but well worth it) and it was a third installment of Rush Hour. Same great formula of fast-spittin' Chris Tucker & ass-kickin' Jackie Chan, only this time…both are in a world they don't know…France (dun dun dun-dun-dun duuuuuuh). The similarities are very similar to the first two - lots of racial jokes, Jackie won't use guns, Chinese triad boss is from Jackie's past, betrayal all around them, one hot girl is trying to kill them, another hot girl is their only hope to finding out who's behind an evil crime organization, Tucker gets to dance & sing, car chases, blooper reel during end credits, all the things you love from the first two movies…just with the Eiffel Tower, Champs Elysees & sexy French accents this time.


Also in this movie, there's a particular scene where Tucker is listening to Jackie and the evil hot girl through a door…and he thinks that Jackie is taxin' dat ass like he's the IRS…but instead they're having a heated kung fu battles where she has an assortment of knives & stabbing weapons…while he has wit & 50+ years experience in beating down bad guys. I'm sure that any of us who have had neighbors with adjoining walls have had the situation that I want to make an after hours game show called "Fight or Fornication?" You hear the neighbors talking…then screaming…maybe a broken glass is involved…then there's a moment of silence (safe…but creepy at the same time…like the calm before the storm), then you hear it. Is it a domestic disturbance? Is it the makeup sex? There's really no rhythm…so if it is the latter…it's poorly executed…then again, natural instinct & rhythm aren't necessarily the same thing. More broken glass, the lady's screaming now, saying something…but you still can't make out what. Do you call the cops? You run the risk of either saving a damsel in distress or clockblocking your neighbor. What do you do? Well, when I had a girlfriend, we'd fight fire with fornication…even though she wasn't much of a screamer (more into holding her breath to enhance her giggidy…and of course, I saw that as a challenge). It would make for an interesting game show, I think. How about you?


P.S. I want to see Jackie Chan as a villain…is that wrong? Maybe have him in a big budget martial arts movie where he's the Southeast Asia opium kingpin…and it somehow puts him up against Thai superstar Tony Jaa…or even Tony Leung or Donnie Yu or something. I just want to see him as a bad guy…that can still kick ass.


Damn Catchy iPod Song - Okay, so for the past few months, there been that iPod commercial with that "1,2,3,4" song that I'm sure you've all sung along with…and probably danced with…and I thought just the other day, who the hell sings that song? Fairly cute girl in a tube top, catchy hook, basic melody, sung from the heart, not a horrible song by any means, but who sings it? Some newcomer? The only brunette I know anymore is Alanis Morisette…and it surely isn't her. It was hard to tell on the little iPod nano screen…even on my projector or my brother's HDTV…so I looked into it, as I usually do when curiosity strikes me…and luckily this time, it didn't end up killing this cat. The songstress is none other than Leslie Feist. Like Morisette, she's a brunette from Canadia, home of the Canadians…and actually danced as a child in the opening ceremonies of the 1988 Calgary Olympic Winter Games (think "Cool Runnings"). She's also been an indie folksinger on a few bands over the last decade or so…but didn't really break through until the iPod commercial. So with that being said…I don't feel too bad for not knowing who she was…and I've provided a link to her video….and other videos on VH1. Enjoy.


Speaking of VH1 - I don't watch VH1, MTV, or even BET anymore. I don't care what kind of crappy 'reality' shows with sexy, slutty celebrities you have (unless I have somebody to crack jokes with while watching it…Bubbles) but I just remember the days when those channels were about the music. Is there anybody else that would just be happier if you only had music videos 20+ hours a day…and maybe interrupted with occasional news updates on Courtney Love's latest coke-induced rant about nothing or which Goth rock heartthrob got arrested today for being edgy or some other entertainment stuff…instead of the other way around??? "Oh, Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant? Who the hell is that? Oh, it's Britney's sister? Damn, that sucks twice. Anyway, back to the latest Shakira video please." When I watch Music Television, guess what I want to see. As much Shakira as possible? That too…but my point was MUSIC. That's what I want to see…and hot girls…and maybe some Beavis & Butthead…but not too much.


Another Steve is Honored…FINALLY - Presidential candidate, best selling author, international political pundit, wrist injury survivor, addiction overcomer, and another great Steve, Stephen Colbert has been honored as the Associated Press's Celebrity of the Year…and it's about damn time. The award was given to him by a committee of newspaper editors and broadcast publishers who said that he had the biggest impact on pop culture this year. By the way, if you don't watch his Comedy Central show "The Colbert Report" then you're missing out on the funniest show on television involving real people (instead of cartoons). By the way, thanks to some negotiations in the writer's strike…"The Colbert Report" and "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" will be airing again soon. Fingers crossed.


Don't F**k with Chuck - Award-winning actor, martial arts expert, and American God of Badass Chuck Norris is suing a publishing company over a book that he claims exploits his famous name based on some internet list of "mythical facts" about him. Author Ian Spector and his book "The Truth About Chuck Norris: 400 Facts about the World's Greatest Human" includes such little known ditties as:

• Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.
• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
• Chuck Norris can charge a cell phone by rubbing it against his beard
• One Chuck Norris Roundhouse kick can power the country of Australia for 44 minutes

Panda News of the Day - Scientists in China may use a police dog to teach pandas to fight after the first artificially bred panda released into the wild was apparently killed after a battle with other animals. The 5-year-old male named Xiang Xiang, was found dead in the snow early this year after less than 12 months out of captivity. Scientists believe he fell from a high place after getting into a fight with wild pandas or other animals over food or territory. China is now preparing to release a second batch of up to four artificially bred pandas. Many or all would be females, which may be less prone to becoming involved in fights…but the police dog is supposed to help them out just in case. I know the real reason that they're teaching the pandas to fight…and I know that you're already assuming that it's about some kind of animal fighting organization where giant pandas fight to the death…like sumo wrestlers with teeth, claws, and flashy fur coats instead of diapers until a Yokozuna is crowned…but you'd be wrong…and it's partly my fault. Allow me to explain…

Over two years ago, I spent a month in China, one of the great experiences of my life. I was there on a Study Abroad program at the University of Shanghai…and part of this was to comprise a quick 5-minute oral presentation (BS session) about something fascinated me about my studies over the first two weeks in Shanghai. I decided on the topic of Preserved History in a Modern World…but being an insatiable smartass…and wanting to get everybody's attention in the early morning, I had to start with something memorable. Well, my teacher, the seven other students, and the Dean of the Study Abroad program of the University where there. The Dean was in a suit. So I start my report, "My report is about the ongoing research into an army of super intelligent animals such as Pandas, Tigers, and Monkeys by the Chinese government that I stumbled upon earlier this week…" The Americans laughed. The Dean did not. Not at all. In fact, he gave me one of the iciest stares that Man has ever witnessed. I believe it was the legendary Pu Gei Dong…or "Shit Eye" to us Westerners. After a few seconds (that seemed like many seconds), he finally smiled and laughed a little bit…then back to the Pu Gei Dong as I continued, "I'm sorry, that was just to break the ice. My real report is about how the People's Republic of China blah blah blah…"

Now, I know the Truth. They really are researching into this army of super intelligent animals. If not before my horrible smartass remarks, then certainly afterwards. Could it be possible that I gave them the idea…much like the idea of Panda Porn…to teach the normally peaceful creatures to be vicious blood-thirsty killing machines? Dear God, what else did I tell them when I was over there? Let's see…I thought their idea of the barber/brothel was great. I mentioned that it was funny that I was a solid six inches taller than the University's center on the basketball team…but Yao Ming is the tallest guy in the NBA. I did mention the idea of producing a starting lineup twenty years down the line with some lovely female members of the English club…but I don't think they caught my drift. Do you think they could have been playing dumb & later expressed this to the Dean too? Oh man, I've gotta check my journal (pre-blog years) to see what I else I may have told them. If this conspiracy turns out to be fact, then allow me to apologize to those I may have put in danger with my overactive imagination…and mouth.

Anyway, before I got to check on that, I would just like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas…and I'll check back with you in a few days with pictures of my adventures & presents galore from loved ones…and probably a few amusing anecdotes too. You never know what this blog holds…only that it's slightly insane…and has poor stagnant, rambling grammar. Merry Christmas to you & yours. Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease!!!

P.S. Bart Update - Genesis 7:69 - "And $teve said, 'Let there be LIFE!!!"

Scarface Movie Night

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Not much has happened since last time...except I slept. Oh, I did play a little NBA Live 2008 this morning. I'm starting to get the hang of the controls but the computer does like to keep the scores close...even if it means you're missing layups and they bang 30-foot three-pointers with the back-up point guard. You just have to keep pushing through it. "Barbarella" came through the mail so I'm looking forward to watching it over the weekend...but tonight is my "Scarface" Movie Night with my friend Bubbles...complete with drinking on a Thursday night. "But $teve, don't you work on Friday?" Yes, I do...but not until late afternoon (because I have no social life) so it's all good. With all those happenings stretched out into a paragraph, here's some news...

Mayor of my Hometown is a Badass!!! - For those of you who don't know, I was born in the city of Ogden, Utah. It's a nice town. Not great, but it could be a LOT worse. Sure, they tore down a failing mall and had a square mile gaping hole in the middle of downtown for a few years until recently. Sure, the crime rate is...we'll just say higher than Mayberry. Sure, they've recently decided to translate the DMV registration papers into English as well...but it's still a great town with a lot of great people...but at least one man is trying to make it better, Mayor Matthew Godfrey. Why do I mention him now? Somebody tried to break into his house Wednesday morning, so he jumped out of bed, checked the kids, and went to investigate. It was some punk twenty-year old kid. So he "ran him down and tackled him, wrestled him and put him in a headlock." The article makes a big deal about Godfrey being 135 pounds and the chief saying he's "half the burglar's size" but his attacker (or attackee) was 163 pounds...and probably a few grams heavier than normal in his bloodstream. Somebody needs to teach the police chief some math. That's just over 20% larger...and the burglar was probably strung out on goofballs or something.

Anyway, I think it may be a publicity stunt on the mayor's part...possibly. The burglar was a neighbor kid, whose parents are kind of tight with him...but he's a "wayward child" that the mayor used to teach in church. Hmm (Thinker pose). It's also a campaign year...and his primary focus is to cut down on crime. What better way to show your strong stance on crime than to tackle your own intruder at your home? Yeah, it may have been staged...then again, it may have not been. Who knows? Still, he's representin' O-Town. I wonder if he has tattoos showing how badass he is...

How Hot is Arizona? - In Mesa, Arizona, a woman was sentenced to ten years in prison for a heinous crime even after saying that she was sorry and never meant to hurt anybody. What was the crime? She stabbed her tied-up lover so she could drink his blood during a drug and alcohol-fueled sexual tryst. The victim agreed to be tied up but became alarmed when she pulled out a knife (understandable) and said that she wanted to drink his blood (okay, I'm starting to sober up). She then sliced into his leg, arm, shoulder, back, neck, and stomach (second date is out of the question now). Her attorney told the jury that she suffers from a personality disorder that causes instability and has taken responsibility for her actions. Instability you say??? Really??? He also wrote a sentencing memo that prison records show that she thought she was a vampire for the first several weeks she was in jail...or as it's professionally know to us doctors, Renfield Syndrome. You may be asking yourself, how did the victim let it get that far? Didn't he know that she was crazy? Probably...but he's a 46-year old man...and she's a 24-year old vampire. Have you seen female vampires? They're very hot...and tricky. Besides, she'll probably escape when the time is right. Bars can't hold vampires. She's just waiting for the night to be longer than an hour in Arizona. I wonder if my brother still has the scar from his encounter with a vampire (true story, girls can be FREAKY).

Hoes on Strike - In the Bolivian city of El Alto, prostitutes have sewed their lips together (facial lips, I double-checked) as part of a hunger strike to demand that the mayor (frequent customer?) reopen brothels and bars ordered closed after violent protests by residents last week. Lily Cortez, leader of the El Alto Association of Nighttime Workers (I kid you not, that's the group's name) said (through muffled speech, remember her lips are sewed shut), "We are fighting for the right to work and for our families' survival." The mayor has vowed not to reopen the institutions because of the protests by student activists towards underage drinking and crime stormed the red-light district last week. These activists went on a hunger strike...so now the prostitutes are doing the same...and they're not even being violent about it. Meanwhile, Ethiopia's hunger strike remains unanswered.

Interesting fact - In Bolivia, prostitution is legal...but not pimpin'. No wonder it reached this point. If even we had a few of our American-made pimphands in this impoverished nation, we could turn a profit and then some in this city of over a million Johns and/or Tricks. Mayhaps I need to learn some Spanish and speak with the mayor myself...and I'll bring my buddy Ogden Mayor Matthew Godfrey with me too...in case, I need him to put El Alto's mayor in a headlock or something. I can't get my hands dirty with this manicure. Anyway, it's good to hear Bolivia in the news when it's not about drugs for once. Too bad it has to be because their pimp game is going limp. Play on playa, help is on the way...after I go straighten out Europe for a few weeks. Here's a few suggestions and reasoning behind it for those who go in my place

• If Hoes don't eat, a Pimp don't eat - You can't milk dead cows, get the girls to eat...or at least lick down some ice cream to show what the townspeople are missing.
• Meet with the Mayor and reach an accord with the man directly. It's the oldest profession, not a crime. Explain it to him with regards to the economy of his fair city. If that doesn't work, offer him a discount.
• Help him to clean up the underage drinking problem. Children are the future...where else will you future Johns, tricks, and hoes come from?
• This meeting should be held in an impartial location...preferably one without a cover charge. There has never been a conflict in the world that can't be resolved over a bottle of Courvoisier and a lap dance. The club is ten times better than a golf course...and just as expensive to get bidniss done.
  
  Anyway, that's about it for today. Busy day again at work...since they doubled our work...but hopefully these wildfires in California can be submerged soon. Just think, in a few years when the ice caps melt, we won't have to worry about wildfires in California anymore. Until then, I just hope that everybody over there is safe and sound. God bless our Firefighters!!! Toast!!!