Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Saturday Mornings w/o Hangovers

Last night, my buddy Jeff (check out www.boorappa.blogspot.com) & I were discussing some of our favorite cartoons as kids...so I thought that I would share some of mine with you...and hopefully you remember a few of these. If not, you're probably too young...or too old...and have some of your own that you would like to recognize...on this Memorial Day week. Here's to our fallen cartoons of the past...

1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - I think this was every child of the 80's favorite...and with good reason. Teenagers, we all wanted to be. Mutants, always cool...just look at the X-Men. Ninjas, really nothing cooler than ninjas. Turtles, as my buddy B's blog will confirm...turtles are awesome. Plus you throw in a rat version of Mr. Miyagi, a plethora of manimal friends & foes, and a talking brain in a robot's torso...that's cartoon gold my friend.

2. Captain Power & the Soldiers of the Future - Very few of you probably know about this one...unless I've already bored you with it...so here we go again. It was on only one year in 1987 & it was a live-action show set in a post-apocolyptic future with cutting edge (for 1987) computer graphics, robots, power suits, anonymous foot soldiers, the evil Lord Dredd, & 'interactive' toys. Brilliant if you ask me...but expensive to make. I still think they should bring it back now that computer graphics are everywhere...even in shampoo commercials. Oh...and Pilot was really really hot.

3. COPS: Central Organization of Police Specialists - Futuristic cop show & even as a kid, I thought some of the names were a little cheesy (Miss Demeanor, B.P. Vest, etc.) but still a pretty good cartoon. I even bought a few episodes at a Game Stop a few months ago. Besides, my daddy was a cop...and this was better than watching drunken hillbillies get chased into a trailer park on the other COPS show...that's still running somehow.

4. Animal Crack-Ups - Animal game show hosted by the great Alan Thicke. I was really into animals & dinosaurs as a kid, so I really liked this show...and apparently was the only one because it was again only on for one year...then Alan Thicke must have gone into movies or something.

5. Thundercats - Still waiting for the movie adaptation. Maybe 2009...if they can get Spielberg to produce it or something. Send me in your nominations for who plays Cheetara. I think there was a very similar show with Sharks as well...but I can't remember the name. Oh well...

6. Silverhawks - People that could fly in outer space with anatomically correct chrome space suits in many different colors...and like all great cartoons ended with a public service announcement from Copper Kid. I remember my favorite toy being the minotaur guy, Mumbo Jumbo...because I'm a Taurus...or something. Minotaurs are cool.

7. Transformers - As stated earlier, I'm currently trying to arrange for a midnight Transformers party at my local theatre. If you're interested & live in the Slick City area, please let me know. I still can't believe that Orson Welles was a voice in the animated movie back in the day. Everybody knows & loves Transformers...so I will stop talking about them..........now.

8. She-Ra: Princess of Power - My main draw to this show was...well, just look at her. She's a super hot princess that could weild a sword against the Evil Horde. I'm not ashamed to admit it.

9. Conan & the Hanna Barbarians - To be honest, I wasn't able to find any pictures or information online about this show...so I'm kind of thinking that I made it up. I'm pretty sure that I didn't though. If any of you can find something, please let me know. I need confirmation that this show wasn't just a wonderful dream. I seem to remember a large wookie-like creature as one of the good guys.

10. G.I. Joe - This should be higher on the list...but again...you all know & love it. Everybody's favorite was Snake Eyes...because he was a Ninja. I've caught myself watching the new G.I. Joe Sigma cartoons a few Saturday mornings recently...and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I still don't see why Cobra Commander was so feared. He had a speech inpediment & didn't have the ferocious look of some of his minions. Then again...neither did Napoleon...and he get stuff done.

Anyway, please feel free to share your childhood memories & opinions about these shows or some of your own. Congratulations to the Spurs!!! 5 wins to go!!!

P.S. TigerSharks was the Thundercats knock-off. Kudos to you if you beat me to it.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Time Travel

If you could go back in time, what would you do? A question that's asked a lot...and usually answered. Now I'm no rocket scientist...though I did study to be a Mechanical Engineer for a few years...but the concept of time travel has always fascinated me...and yet, I can't seem to grasp a logical way of doing it. I've read briefly about Einstein's theories & some other great minds & how with enough force or something about 'worm holes' and stuff like that, it's theoretically possible...or something, but rather than focus on what I would do in the past (drink with the Founding Fathers, bet on Buster Douglas, go to the Enchantment Under the Sea dance with my mother, etc.), I'd like to think about the many modes of transportation into the past that have been offered over the years. Here are some of my favorites.

1. DeLorian - Yes, I've probably watched the Back to the Future trilogy too many times (the original probably in the thousands, I kid you not) but to be honest, I can't think of a more stylish way of getting back in time than cruising in a stainless steel vessel powered by Mr. Fusion & the Flux Capacitor, which makes time travel possible...but never clearly explained how except that it requires 1.21 Jigawatts. Can you imagine the sound system in a car with a battery like that?

2. Telephone Booth - It's so simple, even Keanu Reeves can use it...and that other guy. In a matter of a few hours (remember to turn your watch back), you can sing Kansas lyrics with Socrates, go watersliding with Napoleon, pick up some hot princesses, & still get an A on your history report so that you can become the greatest rock band in the history of mankind. It's almost too easy. My main appeal for this method is it's simplicity...and it's like a roller coaster ride going through the circuits of time. No driver's license required.

3. Time Machine - Though there are many makes & models of Time Machine on the market, I like the giant gyroscope with a seat in it has a grand appeal of seeing time pass right before your very eyes...and much faster than the standard grass growing method...like when I drift off into a daydream or something...this is much more entertaining.

4. Sending a HeMail - Basically it involves a large machine that takes up an entire warehouse, putting the passenger in a small enough area to have them curl up in the fetal position, ZAP, and then end up in the past bucky-naked & usually spend the first night in a hospital or jail. Terminator, Deja Vu, 12 Monkeys, all basically the same...and it definitely saves on time...but the electrical bills & leasing of the warehouse probably roll a pretty penny for upkeep. Sure, it's feasible if the fate of the world is at stake (robotic war, disease prevention, etc.) but not for leisure travelers.

5. Tesseract - Yes, I read "Wrinkle In Time" by Madeleine L'Engle as a kid a few times. It's basically the same thing as any Star Trek sci-fi worm hole or anything though...but that requires going into space...and I can't afford that...yet. Also, I'm waiting for the day that a ship is built than can withstand the tremendous pressure of a Black Hole...because then the plot of "The Core" becomes much more feasible. I'm keeping my fingers crossed...and then making a car out of the stuff. Yeah, like the plane made out of the black box material. Wait, what was my point?

6. Butterfly Effect - If I think hard enough, I can go back into my own past...but if Ziggy tells me there's something wrong & I can't make it right, then I might be stuck in the 80's forever. Wait, I'm sorry. I started with one time travel method & then midway through replaced it with a cooler one. Sorry, I do that once in a while.

Honorable Mention: Frequency - "Hello? Dad? Is that you?"
"No, my name's Walt. Nobody calls me daddy except my girlfriend."
"Is her name Susan?"
"(Cough) Yeah, who is this?"
"This is your son...thirty years from now."
"Hehehehee...oh man. (Cough) I really got to stop messing with this radio when I'm stoned. Oooh, look at the cool lights in the sky!!!"

Anyway, I'm hopeful for a time when we can travel through time...but I don't think that it's going to happen. Why? If in the future we can go into the past, wouldn't we have already done it & be in our alternate future? Send me your thoughts...or your personal favorite method of time transportation.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Sundays - Truly Days of Sunshine

Well, it's another glorious Sunday. I thought that I would celebrate it by working 8 hours...because that's one of my preferred methods of celebration. The best part about Sundays is that, no matter who you are, you can always seem to find something to help bring you peace & tranquility. Whether it's kicking back & watching sports (or golf) on television, participating in sports, spending quality time with your family, doing upkeep on the homestead, working at a job that you enjoy, even planning the upcoming week, you can always find something to do (or not to do) on Sundays. One of the best parts about this Sunday...is that tomorrow is yet another day off for a lot of people (yes, I will also be working tomorrow in celebration). There is also a great part about Sundays that a lot of people participate in...and that's going to church.

As far as my religious background, I'm one of those people who say silly things like, "I'm more spiritual than religious." Essentially, my father was raised Catholic & my mother Mormon (No, she doesn't have horns...and frankly I'm curious as to why that's even a stereotype. I have yet to meet ANYONE who has horns.) I went to LDS church until I was about eleven...then we kind of stopped going & did outdoor things or work around the house or watch basketball on the day of rest. Please don't get me wrong, I have nothing but respect for people that go to church every Sunday and uphold the teachings & morals that they learn there. I just choose to do so without going to church. I still pray every night (see previous blogs) & spread happiness & love whenever possible...but I am not without sin. To be honest, I'm about as pure as yellow snow...but that doesn't mean that I'm going to a very warm place in the deep South (still hoping for Purgatory). Also, to all those people out there that have served missions, whether 2-year commitments with a church or the Peace Corps or something, I have nothing but respect for that. God knows it would take a lot of personal sacrifice for me to do that...and I'm not quite there. Anyway, that's my background.

Religion is the most extensive institution in the world. It's larger than any government or league of nations or anything of that sort. Wherever you find people, you'll find religion. The cool thing is that most of the main moral values as basically the same - Love & help your fellow man, don't kill, moderation in everything except your compassion, stuff like that. Yet there is still a lot of conflict over which religion is real or true. Personally, I don't think it matters which one is real as long as the morals are just & it helps the people who practice them. Then again, I'm the kind of guy who has tried out & seen many different religious institutions and never made a real, dedicated choice. I also love movies like "Oh, God!" & "Bruce Almighty" as well as written my own movie script about the subject...so take my ideas with a bit of salt if needed...but I'm sure there are other people that feel the same way. In my Lennon-esque Utopian future, I hope that we can all put our religious & nationalistic views aside & just help one another to make the world a better place...but I suspect that it will take more personal sacrifice & compassion than divine intervention...though the teachings of the divine will obviously play a key role. Anyway, enough about my rambling about church. It was a Sunday, what can I say? I felt inspired for a few minutes.

Also, I'd like to apologize to Lizfan, the Smart Family, & anybody else that I might have offended with my remarks in my last blog concerning Elizabeth Smart. I obviously didn't know all of the facts...and was basically talking out of my ass. It's certainly not a laughing matter. I thank you for keeping me in check. I realize that it's no consolation for what was written, but I feel horrible for doing it & I will be retracting the remarks. Have a great Sunday everybody!!!

Friday, May 25, 2007

Whatever happened to Kojak?

Earlier today, I'm on my way to work driving my Buick Park Avenue (almost 200,000 miles now) when I receive a text from my brother. I'm currently 'parked' in the left turn lane at 53rd & State around 4 PM, so I'm going absolutely nowhere for a good minute or two...and because I know that he's at work & can't talk on the phone, I text him back. Halfway into my message, I hear the all too familiar blip of a police siren switch being toggled by an officer of the law. He then signals me to pull over (across three lanes of moving traffic while I'm parked in the center lane). My first thought is that this is one of those rare occasions where the officer meant somebody else...or for me to just move out of the way so that he can uphold justice somewhere. Not so, he wanted me to pull over...urgently. So I do so. The officer walks up to the side of my car and like a superhero gives his battle cry of "License & registration." "Yes, I do have them." "May I see your license & registration, sir?" "Absolutely. One moment. Might I ask why we're having this conversation?" "Are you aware that it is now against the law to drive & text message on your cellular phone?"

I'm a little stunned. Mostly because I was parked...and not driving. Of all the times that I've been pulled over, of all the things that I've done in my vehicles that would bend the rules of the road, parking lot, & landscaping, I was being pulled over for texting. "Really? You pulled me over for text messaging while I was parked in the turn lane? Are you serious? I'm not being punk'd or anything?" "Sir, this is just a warning but I thought you'd like to know so that you don't get a ticket in the future." "Wow, I thank you for the warning...but seriously...I wasn't even driving. I was parked." "Just be careful out there on the roads, sir. Text messaging can kill on the highways." "Agreed. You be careful out there as well. Please don't get shot." That's kind of my good bye to a police officer...because it's a well-wishing...and a psychological attack...because the way I see it, later on that day, they'll be sitting & waiting for some kid in a red Camaro to pull over for...well anything...and it'll hit them. "Don't get shot? Why would he say something like that? I mean...it is an occupational hazard, I guess...but that's just...oh man, why didn't I finish that Communications degree? I'm ten times better than that Max Roth guy on Fox 13 (don't worry, everybody is). Why did I get into this career anyway? Just to get shot at by meth dealers & yelled at by spoiled bitches? Man, I need to reevaluate my situation." BAM!!! $teve sleeps well tonight knowing that a cop is crying himself to sleep.

You may be asking yourself, "Where does this hatred for police officers come from, $teve?" Well, it's not for a lack of trying to appreciate & respect them, I can assure you of that. My father was a police officer for somewhere in the realm of 17 years when I was a child. I've been to many a police picnic & ate of their grilled Justice burgers & tasted of their sweet Service soda. Then my father went through a tramatic experience...and when he went to them for help, they offered him a pinkslip. Even after that, I still knew some of the cops & respected what they do...protect & serve and all that stuff. Then I became of driving age & my first car...was a firecracker red 1985 Chevrolet Camaro...with a 2.8L V6 engine, nothing fancy. Needless to say, even though I drove it like a grandma, I was still getting pulled over every few weeks for speeding...cock blockin' sons of bitches. Speeding was probably the least of my worries during that time (I've been pulled over on several occasions where my only defense would have been that my friends were with a Botany class or something) so I kept my frustrations from the officers & respecting their decision. Who knows, maybe my speedometer was a little off...and everybody's got a quota to make at their job, right? Once my Carmen was destroyed by an uninsured, illegal immigrant motorist (and the incompetence of State Farm Insurance), I went a long, long time without tickets...must have been the red, like bulls or something.

Over the last several months, I've done a road trip down to Vegas four times. I've driven twice...and both times, I was pulled over in Cedar City for allegedly going 95 MPH in a Ford Windstar. The steering wheel shakes at 85, so there is no way in HELL that I was going 95, but because it would cost me so much more to contest the ticket by driving back down to Iron County, I simply give Officer Dickface (Deek-fa-chi, I think it's Italian) my two cents right there...and wish him good luck in not getting shot three days before retirement. Now this latest incident about text messaging...I'm sure that we all share similar stories...and most girls have gotten away with it for having voluptuous racks...but that method just doesn't fly for most of us guys...believe me, I've tried. "Sir, for the last time, please put your shirt back on."

As you see, I've tried to be respectful of the popo & sing the praises of 5-0, but it's just so hard to when all they do is fuck with me & my good time. Luckily, they haven't messed with me with anything other than traffic violations & noise complaints (she was a screamer & I was doing it & doing it & doing it well). It's truly a noble profession...but whatever happened to Kojak? Telly Savales didn't fuck around with speeders. He was right there chasing druglords & rapists down in muscle cars & spitting game to dames. I do realize that Kojak is television...and the real world is the real world.

Why are cops this way? Number one - The serious possibility of death being an occupational hazard is my primary motivation for not following in my father's footsteps at all. Could it also be the slew of lawsuits that they incur when they actually do some REAL police work...but because a suspect wouldn't put down the wrench & lie on the ground in a timely fashion or couldn't speak English, they caught an ass-whooping? Police can do a great job of deterrence...when they're not parked at a church looking for speeders & jaywalkers. If you're going to park somewhere for that, park at a bar. There, I said it. Who kills more people in a year, drunk drivers or jaywalkers? Maybe the Media is AGAIN the one to blame (Notice: I blame them for a lot of things...but I dare you to prove me wrong). Watch your local news to see what's reported. Look closely at reports such as this one: "The number of violent crimes in the state have gone up 2% since last year & 10% overall in the last decade." Well, the population has increased by a documented 50% (probably more with immigration), so what does that mean? My chances for being the victim of a violent crime have actually decreased over the last decade. Thank you police. Or just see how things like Iraq is spun. Are you going to tell me that Saddam wasn't an evil dictator? Yes, I'm aware that there are more in the world...and we'll get to them...once we find a way to set up a non-dictatorship there...but it's not exactly like changing the oil on an old Cadillac.

Sure, in my small world, police are seen as an irritant like the IRS or that retarded fellow that bags groceries at Albertson's & always remembers me (because I'm tall) but asks me questions like "Do you like Sssspsspiderman?" "You know I do, Sammy." "I like Sssssppppiderman too. Hahaha. He's my fav'wit!" (It's about this time that I realize that he just set a bottle of cranberry juice on my bread again. Note to self: I've got to quit humoring him so that he can focus on my baked goods.) However, I do realize that when shit goes down, I want the boys in brown (or blue or black or white or whatever they wear in your jurisdiction) to be there ready to throw down...especially if I'm not strapped. So I say, "Go safely officers of the law. We're proud that you're out there risking your lives everyday for us...just please don't fuck with me in my car unless I'm doing something wrong...like your mother...or a minor." (By minor, I mean somebody WELL under the age of 18...like fourteen or something. Let me put it this way, if she'll be 18 by the time that the case goes to trial, it should be thrown out...but that's another rant for another day)

Anyway, feel free to let me know what you guys think about the police. Big ups again to my dad!!! Thank you for putting up with the cop thing for as long as you did to provide for our family. RIP, all the K-9 German Shepherds that I grew up with & wrestled...X, Zurek, etc.

P.S. Congratulations to Bryce & Mary Bess Demann!!! They had a beautiful baby girl yesterday. Elsie Bess Demann was born 8 pounds, 2 ounces, & 20 inches...and oddly enough was born with a pink bow on her head. Very cute...but I'm sure also very painful.

Thursday, May 24, 2007


So I'm watching quite possibly the worst parody movie of all time yesterday entitled "Epic Movie" (It's right up there with "Mafia!" & "My Big Fat Independent Movie") when I see something familiar in the movie. No, it's not Carmen Electra's smokin' hot ass this time...though it was definitely noticed. There's a quick cameo by somebody playing a mockery version of Wolverine (I know...the bastards dare mock the X-Men). I recognize him from several other movies like "Rat Race", "Firewall", "Grind", "National Lampoon's Barely Legal", & "American Werewolf In Paris" but for the life of me, I've never even imagined what his name was. He's great comedic relief for any teen movie though. So I stomach my way through the entire film (hoping to see more Carmen Electra & random naked girls jumping out of wardrobes) and the credits finally roll. The name of the actor playing Wolverine is.............GROOVY!!!

My immediate response, "HELL YEAH, HE IS!!!" Allow me to introduce you to Groovy (a.k.a. Vince Vieluf). Among the amazing things about this guy...is that this guy will be 37 years old this November...and he seems like the ultimate college kid. He also went professionally by one of my favorite words. Yes, I'm one of those sad individuals trying to bring back words like radical, groovy, & gnarly...while dude has already been thoroughly established thanks to the Coen Brothers. Anyway, he also got me wondering if he thinks that he's a huge international megastar now...or at least on the cusp...because he's only going by one name...or rather, one adjective now.

Who else does this bold statement of one's individuality? Washed-up singers like Cher, Madonna, & Britney? Brazilian sports stars like Ronaldo & Nene (currently riding the Nuggets' bench, if I remember correctly)? Greek Gods? Sir, I don't believe that you are any of those individuals. If Jeff Daniels cannot answer to merely "The Dude" then you shall not be "Groovy." I do admire his spirit though. He has the attitude that "Yes, I may be type-cast into playing fraternity brothers or a bumbling thief or some other degrading role that I get paid scale for thus firing my agent/dealer. But from now on, whenever one speaks of the future Sir Vincent Ernest Vieluf...they may also refer to him as Lord Groovy." Keep up the good fight, good knight. We shall be decorated soon. This is $teve...nay, Dr. Mookie Tockenbaut Love...nay, Cap'n PIMP saying have a glorious evening...and may all your friends be as Groovy as mine. Peace!!!

P.S. If you haven't already, you should see "Rat Race." If not for Groovy, then for Seth Green, John Cleese, Rowan Atkinson (Mr. Bean), and Jon Lovitz. Great stupid movie.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Moments Before I Sleep

I have no idea what you do before you sleep (probably your significant other, if you're lucky) but my routine is something of this fashion. First, I'll either work until 1 AM or watch stupid movies, TV shows, etc. with/without company, or do dishes or something until the resting hour...usually still around midnight to 1 AM. Then, I'll disrobe my garments of the day, feeling a cool breeze over my body from the fan over my bed (during the summer; winter months feature a chilling breeze from the microscopic crevasses around my bedroom window frame), then I'll brush my teeth. I'm not going to lie. I usually check myself out in the mirror a bit...and why not? I'm worth it. Some people may call me narcissistic with that attitude. Those people need to see the amount of mirrors in my bedroom. I say it's more confidence than arrogance. Besides, the mirrors in the bedroom aren't for me as much as for the ladies that (rarely) visit for a nap.

Anyway, after checking myself out & getting my pearly whites their pearliest, I'll usually write down a little something in my journal (real paper) and then say a little prayer thanking the Powers that Be for all that I've been given, the people I interact with, & the blessings that I wish for them (health, wealth, happiness, love, etc.) then comes those moments before you go to sleep. I figure that most people are like me & think about the day's events, tomorrow's to-do list, & the future's promise...and occasionally that hot florist that you say at Albertson's earlier in the day when she was watering the hydrangeas near the bottom (lonely guys often do this). Well, the other day, I was reflecting as usual...and on the way home from work at 1 AM, I had been listening to the greatest hits of the Wu Tang Clan...and it reminded me of my earlier days back in high school. When my mentality was a little more...dedicated to an incredible dream future. As you may have read earlier, I've wanted to be a professional basketball player since I was 8 years old...and God knows that I had the talent...but like a fool, I focused on academics more than school yard politickin' & all that mess. However, I still had an attitude that I could do ANYTHING I wanted to if I just put my mind & body into it. Where did I get this attitude from?

Some might say that my parents had instilled it into me. They may be right. However, there was much more. The attitude that gave me the strength to go on when others would have surrendered to mediocrity...was probably drilled into me by rap music. Back in the day (I can say that because it was damn near a decade ago now), my buddies & I could have made money the fast way, ski mask way if you will, but we decided against it & preferred the method of hard work & entrepeneurship. Why? Because cash rules everything around me, CREAM, get the money, dollar dollar bills y'all. When times were rough & I needed a little inspiration to get me through the job, I heard the timeless melodic voice of Earl Simmons (Dark Man X) singing:

"One more road to cross,
One more inch to take,
Gotta live my Life
Like there's one more move to make."

Or listening to Puff Daddy (before the Diddy Days) & the Lox singing "I Got the Power" driving around in my firecracker red '85 Camaro (her name was Carmen) thinking that one day, the world would be mine...like Tony Montana. Alas, I remember the first person younger than me to be drafted into the NBA (Darius Miles with the 3rd pick of the 2000 draft) and my dreams of playing pro ball have basically gone the way of the Great Auk. Or more appropriately, the Coelacanth? There's still a possibility...like Arnold Schwarzenegger winning the Presidential primary against the Democratic representative Senator Predator...but it's still a possibility.

Is that to say that I'm disappointed with the path that I've chosen? Not at all. Were I on the road 8 months out of the year (10 when I'm chosen for the Olympic squad), then I wouldn't have been able to see my family as much. Had I decided even to go to Weber State instead of the U, I wouldn't have met all the wonderful people that I have at school & my job, wouldn't have traveled to so many places, and experience as much as I have. Sure, it would have been other things, but I couldn't really ask for anything more...except maybe a little extra money to share with the peeps, but as I've been taught "Man makes the Money. Money never makes the Man." So it is with that, that I thank you all for listening to me ramble about...really nothing except my pre-sleep habits, lessons learned through hip-hop, & 'fallen' dreams...but if you learn nothing else from this blog entry, please remember one thing - Wu Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with!!!

P.S. The sun rose this morning. There was a murder in Detroit, Michigan. The price of postage stamps increased. The San Antonio Spurs continue their domination over the Utah Jazz. George W. Bush did something stupid today. Somewhere a child is crying because they have to do homework before they can hang with their friends & experiment with drugs...or cut themselves. I was disappointed with that EMO report on Channel 4 news as well.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Uneventful Day?

Well, I decided to take the day off...as I seldom do...but today seemed like a good day to do it...even though it's a little chilly for this time of year...but I like it that way. I arose this morning & watched a few episodes of Family Guy while making myself breakfast (eggs with pepper jack cheese & peppered bacon since you asked) to wake up & get ready for the day's events...unfortunately, there really wasn't any...but here's what happened anyway.

Around 11 AM, my mail arrives for the day & I'm very excited. Thanks to Blockbuster taking the great idea of Netflix & putting it to their already established infrastructure...I am able to receive movies THROUGH THE MAIL then exchange them at Blockbuster stores or mail them back. I know, you've seen the commercials...but this is for the people reading my blog in Asia, South America, & Africa where Blockbusters are the guys that make gravel down at the quarry. What an age we live in. GASP!!! There has been a mistake.

It was supposed to be the documentary on blaxploitation movies titled "Baaadasssss Cinema" (the 'extra' letters are for the extra badass found in every film for a margin of the price). By the way, I'm one of the very few European Mutts of the world who have a collection of movies including Dolemite, American Pimp, the Mack, Foxy Brown, Jackie Brown, various Shafts, among others...so I dig the black cinema of the 70's (yes, I know Jackie Brown is late 90's but it's Quentin Tarantino...and he's yet to do me wrong yet...GO SEE GRINDHOUSE). So I was disappointed that in this paid postage envelope is a movie entitled "Baaadasssss!" about the making of the Citizen Kane of blaxploitation, "Sweet Sweetback's Baaadasssss Song." Normally, this would be a pleasant surprise, but my Wingman & I rented it a week earlier (based on title alone) and it was a great movie...but a definite one-time. Also, this was the second time in the last week where this mistake was made...so I walked to my nearest Blockbuster to exchange it. Along the way, my brother calls me & we talk for about 45 minutes about how cool his PSP is & how it works with his PS3 & how I should get one too.

Apocolypto came out today...and it's well worth a see if you're a fan of action movies...especially those like Braveheart, 300, Troy, etc. Sure, you see the main character Jaguar Paw do a slow-motion long jump so many times that you'd swear you were watching Jean Claude Van Damme doing a spinning back kick or the splits in one of this movies...but it's still cool. To get you in the mood for it, think of the last few scenes of "Last of the Mohicans" and imagine that action, fighting, & overall bad-assery for over two hours. Is there blood? You betcha. Swearing? It's all subtitles. It's a Mel Gibson movie. If your kids can read that fast, they deserve a little treat of a curse word. Is there sex? There's nudity (if you've ever been in the humid rain forest, you'd know why) and no sex at all. In fact, there's jokes made at the expense of others about their sexual performance. So yes, it's rated R...but check it out anyway. You know you want to. Besides, it's fucking historical...sort of. My only complaint is the twist ending where the alien robots came in & wiped out the Mayan empire...and all this time Mel Gibson had me convinced that it was the Jews. However, I guarantee that if you watch this movie on a projector screen like I did, by the end, you'll want to run around your apartment complex wearing nothing but a towel & a ferocious warrior look on your face. Also, check out your local news tonight to see pictures & footage of that...and please pay detail to the self-drawn tattoos over the torso & let me know what you think.

Now, I'm checking my email & blogging (which sounds painful) while listening to Smokey Robinson's greatest hits. Later tonight, I'm going to hang out with my dad, watch the Spurs beat the Jazz in Game 2 of the NBA Western Finals (and the Draft Lottery), and eat bratwurst. By the way, if you're a big fan of brats (not that Saturday morning show turning future generations of women into materialistic idiots, but bratwursts) then there's this place called Colosimo's Sausage out in Magna & Sandy that makes the best brats this side of Deutschland. Check them out...and tell them that Steve sent you...and give him the website so that I can tell them wear to send the free sausages...then we can have a cookout for Wingman & Brown Bear's wedding. It'll be awesome. See? I'm all about sharing the wealth. After the game, I'll probably send a few dirty text messages to my girlfriend. She's been a little ill the past few days, so we'd really appreciate it if you sent out a prayer or something for her. Anyway, that's about it. Have a great day & I'll catch up with you tomorrow maybe. Peace!!!

Monday, May 21, 2007

Independence Week '07

Welcome Ladies & Gentlemen,

I am starting to get super excited for the week Starting July 4th...and more than just for the usual patriotic ceremonies. Allow me to go into slightly more detail as to my excitement...and please don't laugh.

Wednesday, July 4th - Independence Day - Yes, in case you were wondering, I will be one of those nerds watching the midnight premiere of "Transformers" this day. Let's just get that out in the open right now. Why at midnight? Because kids will be at the other presentation...and I can't stand those little bastards commenting on every little thing during the movie. I made my mistake most recently with "Spiderman 3" where I heard a child saying every 5 seconds for at least 17 minutes "That's Peter Parker. He's Spiderman." "That's Peter Parker. He's Spiderman." I just felt like yelling "Uh ugh, it's Tobey Maguire. Spiderman is fake...just like Santa Claus." The morning starts with a parade going on in downtown clogging up the infrastructure on an Olympic city (by the way, I live in Slick City if you don't know me) and exposing many lily white children to massive amounts of heat & radiation. Luckily, I'll be several miles away asleep in my bed enjoying my day off from work thanks to the Founding Fathers. I will be enjoying my patriotic festivities around dusk when the fireworks go off & I chase a few hot dogs with a few brews. Also, this also marks my dad & stepmom's 10th anniversary, so I hope my dad's prepared with something shiny & expensive.

Thursday, July 5th - Wake up with a mild hangover...then work until 1 AM on this, the greatest day of the week...PAYDAY!!!

Friday, July 6th - Wake up earlier than I want because I have to be to work again at 10 AM but God willing, I may still have a girlfriend to spend some time with when I'm off at the surprising early hour of 6 PM. Is it sad that I have to schedule when I get to spend intimate time with friends, family, & significant others? A little bit...but it could be worse. I could be my BROTHER!!! (Hopefully, he just read that part...he's a cool cat & has a great sense of humor)

Saturday, July 7th - 7/7/7 - Congratulations to my Wingman & his Fiance Brown Bear!!! They will be getting married this day in a small ceremony...with lots of booze afterwards, I've been assured. The 7/7/7 is quite fitting because you two are lucky to have eachother. Enjoy the rest of your lives together!!!

Sunday, July 8th - I'll probably be recovering from the reception Saturday night...then watching some WNBA action, particularly the late game where the stunning Diana Taurasi & the Phoenix Mercury go up against the two-time world champion Detroit Shock in a cream corn wrestling match.

Monday, July 9th - Back to work unless I decide to use a personal day claiming that I need to properly celebrate O.J. Simpson's 60th birthday. Wow, 60 years old. It seems like just yesterday he was slashing through NFL defenses like a hot knife through gold diggers.....legally. I'll probably come up with a better excuse. It's Nicola Tesla's birthday too.

Tuesday, July 10th - Wake up in time to get one of the 5 copies of Season 2 of "Drawn Together" that will be at my local Best Buy (that's how it always is with the good stuff) and watch a few episodes before heading off to work. I will definitely go this day...unless I'm properly motivated to stay in bed by my girlfriend...but that would take a lot of convincing...like at least twice...between episodes.

I hope that you feel a little more knowledgeable about how I plan things. Kind of half-ass but always flexible when intimate relations is involved. So congratulations once again to my Wingman & his Brown Bear!!! Make sure to congratulate them when you see them. Also, I would like to congratulate my favorite team since 1989, the San Antonio Spurs on yet another victory over the Utah Jazz. The Jazz have yet to win in San Antonio since last millennium...but you have to admire their spirit. Until next time, have a great day...and be well to each other.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Sport or Game?

I was watching ESPN the other day (at my brother's house because I'm too cheap to buy my own cable to watch 3-4 hours a week) and I realized that the network of the Worldwide Leader in Sports was playing highlights from the World Scrabble Championship. I've also seen just about every network on television having some form of Poker or Blackjack show weekly, some as much as 4 hours per day. Who can forget the Spelling Bee kid passing out on national TV? Besides our female readers? Golf is not a sport. Period. Don't even try to convince me otherwise...because it's not going to work. Bowling, darts, billiards, even trick shots, these all fall under how I personally define a game rather than a sport. Horse racing? Seriously...what are the requirements of being a jockey other than having a Passport from Oompa Land?

My good buddy Noah Webster & I separate on this subject. His lawyer says that a game is "an activity engaged in for diversion or amusement" and sport as "a source of diversion" or the defintion that I prefer "physical activity engaged in for pleasure." Now, you know exactly where my mind was when I read the latter definition of sport...because it hasn't left the gutter since I was knee high to a butterfly, but the key word being "physical." The way I prefer to define it overall, is really more asking a question...can I play this while chugging beer and/or shots...and not break a sweat? The answer to all the previously mentioned GAMES is yes...I can...and so can most. That is why they should not be on television other than the Game Show Network or something...but definitely not on ESPN...where I already have to sit through hours & hours of baseball & hockey 'highlights' to get to my NBA, NFL, & women's tennis highlights.

"But Steve, what will we fill into those timeslots left vacant by your dismissal of these games? What will be entertaining for our viewers so that we can get our advertising revenue?" I'm glad that you asked, voice inside my head. For there are a number of sports out there that go relatively unnoticed by the big networks but should be given a good solid chance.

1. Women's Basketball - Women & Basketball is like Chocolate & Peanut Butter, Sex & Sleep, Jay-Z & R. Kelly, it's just the best of both worlds. There's a reason why it's played during the summer months...because it's HOT HOT HOT. Sue Bird, Diana Taurasi, Svetlana Abrosimova, even some of the other ladies that didn't come from UConn, all are athletic, passionate, & know how to handle the rock...yet can be delicate flowers just waiting for some 6'8" busy bee to come along & pollenate them...but yeah...I think they should be on TV more...especially since the Starzz moved to San Antonio. By the way, the number one gripe people have about the league is "The girls can't dunk." Well, I think that's an WNBA conspiracy because there is NO WAY that 7'2" Margo Dydek hasn't dunked yet while Lisa Leslie grabbed the rim on a layup a few years back. Were I the Silver Stars coach (and very well may be one day), that would be my primary strategy. Come on now, the 2nd tallest player in the league is like 6'4". She's playing against 3rd graders out there.

2. Sumo Wrestling - Have you actually watched one of these tournaments? You may be saying to yourself that it's just a bunch of fat Asian guys in diapers trying to give the other an atomic wedgie...but it's more than that. That's like saying football is a Battle Royale of ass-slapping. Trust me, underneath that thick layer of rice padding is a veritable BULL of man ready to show his prowess by tossing another 500-pound decendant of a samurai out of a small circle.

3. Extreme Golf - This is where golf can be saved. Once the ball is placed on the tee...and the spotter runs off...there is a 10-Mississippi rule in effect where the golfer can walk up from 5 yards away, set up, & swing...before a duo of linebackers is allowed to rush him. Now, because pads would be cumbersome in one's swing, the ground will be padded. This is only on the tee-off. Then the course will have it's usual stuff like the high grass (containing various traps & shoe-hungry wildlife), sand traps (quicksand, of course), & water hazards (including sprinklers on the putting green, so time it right). Then it's more like a game of chess than a good walk ruined.

4. The REAL Survivor - Was I the only disappointed when the people voted off the island weren't sacrificed or eaten by the remaining habitants? Possibly. However, I like the idea of the next Survivor being set.....at the THUNDERDOME!!! Two man enter, one man leave. I say get 32 of the mightiest warriors from the States. Single Elimination tournament (obviously) until a winner is crowned...then he/she (shes can enter if they want too) go on to the world championship...which will determine who gets the next Olympics. That can be the grand prize. What? What else are they going to win? Millions of dollars used in hospital bills? Perhaps the West Bank? There we go, that'll settle that little dispute over there, right? I don't know about the Grand Prize, we'll let the producers figure that out...but the idea still sounds sweet to me. Let me know if you feel differently.

Anyway, I'm watching my little niece & I haven't heard her cry for about a half-hour as I'm writing this...so hopefully she's asleep. She's a cutie. If you're real nice, I may show you some of my pictures of her. That'll be another time though. Toodlooo...

Thursday, May 17, 2007

NBA MVP - Dirk Nowitzki

Say what you will about the latest NBA season for Dirk Nowitzki & his team, the Dallas Mavericks. Sure they were among the Top 10 Regular Season teams of all time...and then lost to the genius of their former coach in the first round. As a Stranger once told me, "Sometimes you eat the bar. Sometimes the bar eats you." It happens. However, any 7 foot man that can do this, has a sweet jumper, & can rock the Leif Garrett locks gets mad respect from me...and apparently the National Basketball Association after being named its Most Valuable Player this week. Amid stiff competition from the likes of two-time winners Steve Nash & Tim Duncan, he emerged victorious...and deservingly so, becoming the first European-born MVP.

I'm also a huge fan of basketball becoming an international game. I remember when I first really started watching & playing ball as a kid when it was a big deal because Sarunas Marcuilonis was the first European in the league history or something like that. Now, I don't believe there's a single team out there that doesn't have an internationally born player. In the last millenium, only Hakeem Olajuwon (born in Nigeria) had been a foreign-born MVP. Over the last six years, only Kevin Garnett was an American-born MVP. The other have been Nowitzki (Germany), Steve Nash (Canadia) & Tim Duncan (Virgin Islands, ironically named for all the hanky panky going on there as we speak).

What's my point? Nothing really...but I like it because there's not a really big deal being made about Dirk being the first European-born MVP (more talk about how the Warriors ousted his team in the 1st round & him being overrated). However, if Denzel won the Hart Trophy (that's hockey for all the American-born readers) then the media would be having a f**king kniption and we'd be planning a parade & government holiday or something. What do I suggest? On June 19th, Mr. Nowitzki's 29th birthday, I suggest that we show our congratulations & respects by drinking a fine German brew in his honor. It's a small gesture...but an important one.

My prediction for next year - Yao Ming wins the Most Valuable Player award. Does anybody else think that it's funny, that the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese?


Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Since ancient times, civilizations have ideolized & personified animals. From the finger paintings of the caveman to the mythology of the Nile to the melodical madness of Alvin & the Chipmunks, man (and woman alike) has often stood in amazement at the plethora of creatures that cover this crazy floating marble. Even today, the question is often asked by wisemen, spiritual leaders, scientists, kindergarteners, and 'getting to know you' emails around the world & web, "If you could be any animal, what would you be & why?" A tough question indeed. Much like "What superhero would you be?" How one responds can tell an incredible amount about him or her. If one were to respond with a Tiger, it could be seen that that person chose it based on beauty, power, & determination (or that they're a really big pussy). An eagle? They want to touch the heavens with the ability of flight. Dolphin? They're probably a girl and think that dolphins are cute...or smart. We all have our reasons...and as you can hopefully guess from the title of this blog entry, my choice would be the mystical Panda. Why? Well heeeeere, we go...

The pictures throughout this adventure are courtesy of my month-long journey into the heart of a great Socialist nation known as the People's Republic of China during the summer of 2005. During my mission, I faced the threat of spending time in a Communist prison (travel agent got me a 7 day visa instead of the 30 days required...which was a huge no-no...and I didn't exactly 'blend' into the background being two meters tall when everybody else wore children's clothing). However, this land proved very pleasing to the eyes in almost every way & was a true spiritual journey as well...because I found what the being that I want to be reincarnated as. It was about three weeks into this voyage, when I found myself deep in the heart of the tropical climate of the Sichuan Province of China. This region, made famous for its incredibly spicy cuisine (and did not disappoint) and relaxed culture, also houses more than half of the world's population of the ferocious Panda. Luckily our guide was wise on where to find these rare & mystical creatures. We left our hotel in the mid-sized Chinese town of Chengdu (population of only 11 million) when we stumbled upon our first clue as to their whereabouts.

The natives of the area have maintained this majestic waterfall mosaic since the 3rd century B.C. and had actually built an entire hotel around it to preserve it from the natural elements (besides erosion from the waterfall, of course) and maintain its luster for generations to come. Quite the find...and luckily the shuttle was there ready to take us to our next destination. The guide, I believe his name was Xian Wan, told us that we would follow these giant rock formations that looked like the great bears of Asia. Some were built by man, while others...by gods. Here are some of these formations:

Wait!!! What is that there? Why it is the mighty Panda bear...poised and ready to strike at anybody who interferes with his slumber...or does not bear a hefty gift of bamboo. "Sure, you may photograph me...but you will never have my soul!!!" This is the first reason I would like to be a Panda - Most see you as a cute, cuddly, and harmless creature...but you a vicious jungle bear with claws, several cerations of teeth, and a hefty appetite for bamboo and manflesh...but mostly bamboo.

Reason #2 - Basically, all a Panda does all day is eat, sleep, scratch themselves, get bathed by beautiful Asian women, and reproduce when they have a free moment. It's like being David Bowie or something...without the fashion sense. On the reproduction note, I feel personally responsible for recent advances in this field...because I mentioned the idea of 'Panda Porn' while at this sanctuary...and several months later, they practiced it. I actually have a copy of my first attempt at this new film genre if you're interested. It's very tasteful...and as Ling Ling can tell you...quite effective. Giggidy!!!
Reason #3 - Billions of people around the world follow the activities of Pandas like they were adopted by Brangelina or something. There are only about a dozen places around the world deemed worthy enough to house one of these creatures...and whenever the opportunity arises for a new habitat, cities & countries around the globe scramble like their bidding for the Olympics. "We'll give them a $50 million habitat in sunny California." "We'll give them a $60 million habitat in the Greek Isles with top billing over the Acropolis." "We'll give them a $70 million habitat in Kyoto...with happy ending." It's amazing. When a new Panda is born in China, it's like a new member in the Royal Family in England. That's the life, I'm telling ya. Anyway, this encounter with these mystical creatures was great & I hope that everybody gets the opportunity. More on this China Trek in future blogs...but until then...have a great day!!!
P.S. Go Spurs!!! Just a few more wins until yet another Championship!!!

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Random Thoughts

* Why are they called Third World Countries? Are they really in a separate world? What are the requirements to be a Second World Country? Is that the equivalent of being a 4-star hotel in the geographic sense? Does a Second World country have all the services & amenities (infrastructure, political stability, healthy economy, etc.) of a First World Country, but doesn't have full-service Spa facilities? Also, if it is a Third World Country, wouldn't it be superior to a First or Second World...like a PS3 compared to the first two installations? Or perhaps it is more like the Scream trilogy? The sad truth is...that I have taken Political Science classes...and my teacher, though great & knowledgeable, wasn't able to give me a solid answer...nor the literature accompanying the class. I was just curious if anybody out there knew.

* Has Michael Biehn ever been in a non-action film? I mean...probably not any Hollywood non-action movies, but has he ever been in like a school production of "Sound of Music" or something that didn't involve stunt doubles & explosions? I'm not complaining at all. He's awesome. If you are aware of such an incident...or better yet, have video confirmation, I would love to know about it. Oh...and if you don't know who Michael Biehn is, google him. You know him, even if you don't know his name.

* Whatever Happened to Randolph Scott?

* Why doesn't somebody bring back Captain Power & the Soldiers of the Future? Again, google it. It kicks ass...especially for a Saturday morning kids show made twenty years ago.

* Am I the only person that thinks the Founding Fathers started the Revolution one night when they were all drunk at a bar in Boston? They were just there chilling one day, having a few brews, when Alex Hamilton comes in bitching about paying extra for stamps, Tommy "Firecrotch" Jefferson said it was bullhucky, G-Wash started in, & before they knew it...a great country was being born with a blood alcohol content triple the legal limit. For some reason, I always saw Benjamin Franklin as the crazy old uncle always egging them on, saying stuff like "You're right! I think we should all dress up like Indians & dump tea into the harbor. Come on, you turkeys!"

* Wouldn't it be cool to have lived like the Native Americans? They lived peacefully with nature...and for the most part with surrounding tribes since ancient times. No taxes, no debt, plenty of buffalo, deer, & beaver for all. The Medicine Man healed anybody who needed it for free. Women did all the work. Men spent all day hunting & fishing...and all night making one little, two little, three little Indians. Europeans are dicks. Being one-sixteenth Ottawa, I can say that at least once...but then my European Mutt heritage would have to kick my own ass...again.

* What's the deal with the Easter Bunny? Why does she (yes, it's a she) lay multi-racial eggs? Bunnies don't lay eggs. In Australia, do they have an Easter Platypus? What do you call a group of Platypus? Because I have some rather dirty ideas.

* Anyway, I guess that's enough for today. Now, I'm going to leave you with my ONE celebrity photo. I think that if you've read my rambling this far, you deserve it. This was taken on a recent trip to Vegas on my brother's honeymoon (don't ask) but I bumped into my old friend Brangelina while it was relaxing between goodwill trips...and this picture was taken by my sister-in-law moments before Joe Black went all Achilles for some reason.

By the way, I am the huge version of Johnny Depp with Down Syndrome on the left...and you have no idea where my left hand is...but here's a hint - It's tighter than it should be. She didn't seem to mind. Drive safely!

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Why the World NEEDS more Wingmen

When one hears the word "Wingman" it is expected that the first image that pops in one's head is that of Anthony Edwards' character Goose from the movie Top Gun (fittingly accompanied by either Kenny Loggins' "Danger Zone" or Jerry Lee Lewis' "Great Ball of Fire") but wingmen are not entirely located within the United States Air Force Academy & their respective foreign counterparts. Yet in a small way, they are all out there risking both life & limb to protect our civil liberties from persecution both enemies both foreign & domestic...usually domestic. Here is my salute to these great men (and occasionally women...but they're like blonde Japanese girls...sure you HEAR about them, but never really see them) and a few keys to being a great wingman yourself...so that you can make the world a better place. By the way, there is a reason they're all listed as #1...and it's not that chain letter thing about them being equally important, it's just that I'm listing these off in no particular order because I'm shooting from the hip, like all great men throughout American history (Founding Fathers, cowboys, porn stars, look it up!)

1. Great Wingmen have Great Wingmen
Very important. Learning to be a great Wingman is so much easier when you are surrounded by great Wingmen. Being a Wingman Apprentice (Winger) is the first step in becoming a great Wingman yourself. How do you spot a great Wingman? Usually he's surrounded by his peers & has a great attitude about life in general. You just have to get out there & meet people...and if you're lucky, you may stumble upon one who can help you in your ways. When taken under the wing of a Wingman, listen & learn...but don't be afraid to ask questions if you're not clear. One day, it will all make sense. Always remember the Code of the Wingman, for if you disrespect the Code, then the Code will disrespect you.

1. A great Wingman makes sure that EVERYBODY gets laid
Now for explanation. A great Wingman is not only out there for his own benefit, but for the benefit of others as well. His calling in life is to spread the Love and Happiness...as well as the Love you spread with your Penis...safely, of course. Good Wingmen always advocate protected sex...for one reason or the other (disease or population control). For example, let us say that one has a steady girlfriend & is 'regularly serviced' yet his buddy has fallen on hard times...or just lack appropriate game...and therefore cannot provide for himself at a given time. He will go the extra mile to 'hook his friend up' with a recently-single friend of his girlfriend, acquaintance from work, single mom in his neighborhood, hot cousin, hot friend of a retarded cousin, random hottie from the supermarket, local florist, waitress at IHOP, anyone to make this so...because as the great Nate Dogg once sang, "It ain't no fuuuuuun, if the homeys can't haaaaaave none." They will also arrange for situations for the people to be alone to get to know eachother...and share privy information when the time calls. God bless the Wingman!!!

1. Sacrifice for the Greater Good - The Grenade Jumper
There comes a time during the career of a Wingman, when they need to take one for the team...for the benefit of all. In the bar scenario, oftentimes both men & women travel in packs...and these packs can containing varying levels of attractive people (being a 6 with a 9" myself, I am aware of this). Sometimes for the cohesion of the two groups to start, there is a certain catalyst required...the Grenade Jumper. He must thrust himself upon the 3 with the great personality (and if lucky, a freaky streak) so that with proper alcoholic lubrication, defenses can be lowered & great nights can be made.....as well as massive amounts of intoxicated whoopee. This is a noble profession...up there with police officers, firefighters, and public school teachers. I salute you, Grenade Jumpers of the world. Luckily, I have yet to be drafted, but when my time comes...it will be a great honor to get on 'er...for the Team.

1. Talking to others for your Wingman
Many times throughout your career as a Wingman, there will be times when you are in the presence of a significant other (girlfriend, wife, mistress, boss, etc.) or insignificant other (random nosey bitch neighbor, associate, colleague or acquaintance that doesn't know how to ackrite) When things need to be said, but really shouldn't be (whether for legal reasons or to get a point across without jeopardizing a relationship), say it for them. There are really two very different scenarios where this applies. First...and usually the easiest & most common are with the significant others in a relationship nature. Let us say, that something was said as a joke to arouse laughter, yet was taken completely out of context.

Wingman #1 - "Dude, she seems like a great girl. You're very lucky to be going out with her." Now, Wingman #2 can take this as A) He thinks she's too good for your homely ass; or B) You've got a great girl there & you're truly lucky to be dating her. Being a man, he chooses B, which was the intent.

Significant Other of Wingman #1 - "So you think that I'm not as beautiful as her?" Both Wingmen are momentarily stunned at this deduction...but now both must ATTEMPT to reassure her that she is, in fact, very beautiful...even if she doesn't know it. By the way, I blame the media for the low self-esteem of women in this modern age...but I digress.

Wingman #1 - "Baby, I love you. You are a beautiful woman. It amazes me that you even associate with me. It's like Janet Jackson & Jermaine Dupri. You're a 10 & I'm a 3." Rhymes help to at least get a pity laugh at this point.

SOW #1 (not sow like a pig, SOW like abbreviation of Significant Other of Wingman, point lost in abbreviation, but conflict avoided from potential female commenters) - "Whatever, you're just saying that because I have sex with you."

Wingman #2 - "WERE YOU NOT WED, I WOULD TAKE YOU IN A MANLY FASHION!" SOW is stunned at your dramatic & highly hypothetical remark...while Wingman #1 knows that you are doing your best to help...even if possibly going too far...but desparate times call for desparate measures...and it is understood. The conversation continues from here...but not now.

Situation #2 - Insignifcant Others
Basically, someone is threatening the livelihood of your fellow Wingman and needs to be put back into one's pocket. Because your Wingman doesn't want to go to jail (or go back) or face court dates, termination from employment, eviction, etc. you may have to speak their mind for them...pending you are of the same opinion...which is usually the case...or can be affirmed with a previously decided signal of some sort (nudging of the nose, movement of the eyes, or popping of one's collar). Setting - You are at a friend's house enjoying a fine motion picture & a few Coronas after a long day's work...when there is a loud rapping at your chamber door. It is the neighbor & they are threatening to call the landlord/cops because it is too loud (despite proper accommodations having already been made) or they just can't stand you two having a good time.

Wingman #1 - "I apologize but my TV's not too loud. I can barely hear it from here & I'm about ten feet away right now."

IO - "Well, I don't know what it is but I can't sleep." At this time, Wingman #1 is contemplating offering a sleeping aid but doesn't want to be known as "The Pharmacist" or anything...and just wants to see how "Baaadasssss!" ends. They also don't want to say anything that may get them evicted or cause confrontation...but Wingman #2 is there.

Wingman #2 - "Excuse me, is that YOUR mutt yapping at my feet?"

IO - "Sparky is no mutt. He's a purebred Shih Tsu who won several..."

Wingman #2 - "Well, if Sparky doesn't stop yapping at me, you can scrape your Shih Tsu...off of my shoe. Size 14, check it. I would appreciate it if you would silence your animal so that my friend & I may enjoy our feature presentation. I'm sorry for your sleep troubles. I'd be happy to offer you a warm glass of milk, if you're out. The television is at a respectable volume..."

IO - "NO!!! I'm lactose intolerant & a light sleeper."

Wingman #2 - "Then I suggest that you invest in some earplugs...knowing that you are a light sleeper. You see, this is not MY problem...but I've found a proper solution. In the meantime, you may borrow these Corn Nuts to use as earplugs. Have a great evening, sir!" Door slams with or without Sparky out of the way. If further conflict ensues at a later date, you can always blame it on the Wingman...knowing full well that they may never see them again...because they are trained in the ninja arts or something.

Anyway, that is enough for tonight...and I've used the word Wingman a few dozen too many times...but I hope that this information assists you in your day-to-day lives...and the World, especially in this day & age, NEEDS more Wingmen out there. Protecting Liberty, Love, Happiness, Poon Tang, & their respective pursuits from the illogical forces of Evil, Dickdom, & Bitchery. For more information, please visit www.wingman.org for a free brochure & fully illustrated scenarios starring the cartoon spokeshero of Wingmen around the world, Cap'n PIMP. Feel free to download his world-famous theme music & new album as well.


Happy Mother's Day everybody...especially all the single mothers out there with deadbeat baby daddies. I've got nothing but love for ya!!! If you're ever feeling exceptionally lonely, feel free to drop me a line. We'll talk about it.

This week has been a great week for me for so many reasons. Most trivial though, both of my cars (don't worry, they're not new) had major events happen on their odometers. I know what you're thinking right now. "My golly gosh, BOTH of them on the SAME WEEK? Surely, you're making a joke at my expense." I assure you that I am not. First, my 1969 Pontiac LeMans that I've been restoring (big shout out to my dad & buddy Chris for their help) over the last few years just passed the 88,888.8 mile marker the other day driving to work. Had I not been getting on the onramp at the time of the occurence, I might have taken a cell phone picture...but I'm a very safe driving...mostly. Also, within the next few days, my 1988 Buick Park Avenue (the seats are like sofas & has power EVERYTHING) will be passing the 200,000 mile plateau. Through my hillbilly upbringing, it's traditional to be going over 100 MPH when passing the 100,000 plateau...but the only way my Park Avenue is getting up to 200 MPH is if it's dropped out of a cargo plane at 40,000 feet or so...so my question is, what is a man to do? Probably just pass it casually going to work, perhaps taking the time to take a picture to commemorate the moment...but that seems rather lame...or is this whole blog entry kind of lame? It's one of those everyday occurences that make me giddy...and I can only hope that you have similar vices that get you through the day...otherwise life gets really lame really quickly.

Join me next time when I discuss a very important topic...nay, time honored tradition. Of course, I am talking about the Legacy....of the Wingman. Ladies, you may want to read about it too. Just to understand why every lucky man out there has such a friend, who will jump on that live grenade to save his friend from a weekend of misery & abstinence, who will 'take one for the team' so that everybody receives benefit, & will make possibly inappropriate comments at precisely calculated times to avoid subjects that may or may not incriminate present parties. At the very least, you may learn a little about the incredible mystery...that is the mind of Man...and be mystified by how simple & effective it is. Now, if you'll excuse me...I have pancakes waiting for me. Thanks Mom!!! Also, big shout out to my stepmom Deleene! Best stepmom that a guy like me could have...

Friday, May 11, 2007

A Little Background to Me

Let's see, what to tell? Well, I grew up in several cities along the Wasatch Front in Utah. "So you're a Mormon?" I was raised Mormon, but I was allowed to make my own choice around the age of eleven or so...and I picked football & basketball on Sunday mornings rather than sitting quietly & letting people talk softly for hours while I fight off falling asleep in my sunday best. I went again my last few years of high school...but mostly to play church ball & pick up on girls. If there's a higher calling than that, I don't know of it.

Speaking of basketball, I've wanted to be a pro baller since I was 8 years old (and about four feet tall). My favorite player since the beginning has been David Robinson of the San Antonio Spurs (now long retired which makes me feel kind of old, but I'll get over it). I played like it was a full-time job for about 15 years, but never made any money at it. I played a lot of church ball & was much better than any of the coach's sons that played for the school teams...then was on the practice squad up at the University of Utah (both men's & women's), then tried out for a few pro teams (bless you if you've ever heard of the new ABA's Utah Snowbears), but never made a paycheck...only a few bucks here & there on pick up games.

I went to the University of Utah for four years...but because of dabbling in many different majors (Engineering, Teaching, Modern Dance, etc.), I got a well-rounded education but no degrees. Then I went to SLCC and got two associates in Marketing Management & General Studies (consulation prize for being in school so long with no direction). How am I utilizing my degrees? They look quite stunning in my display case next to my soccer trophy from 3rd grade (goalie) and a jade buddha that I got from China. I work at a hotel call center...and have for the past seven years now. It's a great job...but it was better before they started cutting budgets (because Asia & Canada are so much cheaper). Now, I'm looking for the next 'get rich quick' scheme to rifle me into wealthdom. Movies, real estate, management, blackmail, kidnapping, stocks, sperm donation, cornering the market on novelty mouse pads, all great ideas, but no real financial backing.......yet. We shall see...and I shall keep you posted.

Oh yeah, anything else that you want to know about me, feel free to ask. If not, you can just read my jibber-jabber. Because I tend to do it a lot. Peace.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Mother's Day

Good Afternoon y'all,

Sure it may be my upbringing in the semi-rural areas of Utah, or the fact that I appreciate all that my parents have done for me in the rearing process, but I feel that Mother's Day is one of the most important holidays out there. In fact, were I the Lord Grace Chancellor or the World, I would move for the notion that everyday on the Gregorian Calendar be both Mother's & Father's Day with a dash of Christmahannakwanza. Some of you out there may be saying to yourself, "Wow, what a mama's boy!" and you would be absolutely right...but my daddy gets equal representation as well, just wait another month until his day comes around.

There are many skeptics out there that say Mother's Day is a collaborative effort between the various gift card companies out there commanded by General Hallmark & the Floral Industry...and you would be absolutely right...but the BS about showing your mother how much you appreciate them still rings true despite it's vale of Commercialism. Personally, my mother was there for me through better or worse, richer or poorer, & all that other stuff like marriage used to represent back before my father was an itch in grandpa's pants. When I was but a wee lad, we lived in a modestly stated, run-down fixer-upper in an older part of Ogden...and now we roll on dubs in the aptly named city of Eden. Moral of the story: Love, hard work, & knowing when to have fun is the key to moving up in the world. Who taught me all the tremendous values that I live by? This isn't rhetorical, I really want you to guess. That's right, my mama...and my dad had a few nuggets of wisdome in there too.

So, please...whether you truly care for your mother's well-being or not, because I understand that not all of them are as grand & wonderful as mine, please at least let them know that you appreciate them taking care of you...even if it's similar to how a 4-year old takes care of his new toy by throwing it against the way until it breaks & waiting for daddy to walk around barefoot & step on it. That is all I have to say on that. As for my personal life, I'm proud to say that I have a date tomorrow night...for the first time in a while...so wish me luck...or not...but at the very least, I request that you do not cock block...for that is very uncool. I wish you all success in your adventures as well. Until next time...peace.

Monday, May 7, 2007

Why am I doing this?

Good question. Really, I just wanted something to fill up my time when I'm at work until 1 AM and I'm too efficient for my own good. Also, if any of you crazy cats out there would like some free advice (entertainment use only) regarding relationships, family matters, child rearing, movie watching, sports gambling, or just need somebody to talk at, then I'll be here to provide my services...at least until I get bored of this thing...which could very well happen...and then an angel loses its wings...as foretold in the prophecy.

Anyway, my shift is almost done because I've been messing around with this Blogger thing all night. This is obviously my first blog, because I have no real direction or anything to go with it. I just read a few of my buddies' blogs & thought it'd be cool. Call me a nerd if you must, who's just trying to be like his friends, but frankly, I'll probably spend more time talking to them in person spitting my freaky nuggets of wisdom & wit. So if I have time, I may share them with you. You're probably thinking that I'm an asshole right now...and for the most part, you're right, but I have a creamy, warm, salty center that I'd like to share with the world through this blog, so hopefully you'll enjoy it too. Until next time...

Where should I go next?