Say Hi to Your Mom for Me

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

First thing's first. Movie Night was again an astounding success. If you haven't seen "A Perfect World" with Kevin Costner & Clint Eastwood, don't feel too bad, it's pretty good...but also mildly depressing (Eastwood did direct it). I liked it though...and Bubbles did too. Secondly, I saw the funniest thing in a long time last night thanks to my buddy TAN. Is there anybody out there who didn't like the "Back to the Future" trilogy? I didn't think so. Well, remember Thomas C. Wilson, the actor who played the bully Biff Tannen (among other related characters) and also starred as the gym teacher in the short-lived television series "Freaks & Geeks"? Apparently, he's singing little ditties now...and this was hilarious.



Other than that, not really much to tell personally. Twenty days until Christmas...and I think that I might start doing the Christmas shopping thing this weekend...but then again, I'm not into the whole getting presents...or receiving presents thing. Sure, I enjoy getting stuff that I didn't pay for...but the Holidays are so much more than that. I hate to feel obligated to get something...so if I get you something, then you know that you rock. Also, I may get a haircut (FINALLY) tomorrow. It's down to the shoulders...and it has to go. I hope you ladies don't mind...and if so, don't worry, it'll be back by Valentine's Day (National Single Awareness Day). On that note, here's the news...



Wonder Woman Would be Proud - Okay, I heard about this story on ESPN, so you know it has to be good. At the Antique Market in Jackson, Mississippi, two men walked into a store and demanded money from storeowner Donnie Register (the man was BORN to be a salesman with a name like that). After handing the money over, the robber shot at Donnie, who threw his left hand up (possibly in connection with his instinctive ninja training) and in doing so, deflected the bullet with his wedding band on his ring digit. Though the robbers made off with a 'substantial amount of cash' at least Donnie will be able to see his wife Darlene again...and that's what's important. To the robbers, why rob an antique store? You can make away with a handful of Civil War era coins and an old nightstand. That's just silly thinking. There's a reason they didn't have a metal detector or a security guard. Also, shooting him AFTER you got the money, that's even more cowardice...not gangsta at all. Karma will get ya though. Also, this whole thing could be spun around into a really odd Zales commercial (patent pending) - "Diamonds - They could save your life!!!"



Two Miles an Hour So Everybody Sees You? - The world's oldest surviving Rolls-Royce was purchased at auction on Monday by a private British collector for 3.5 million Pounds ($7.22 million by today's market). It's a 1904 Rolls-Royce with a ten horsepower engine (that's right, TEN horses is a modest carriage) with a license plate "U 44". I guess the phone number of the original owner was something like "12" back then too. No radio, GPS, CD player, DVD player, rims, air conditioning, warming seats, or even a trunk. I think that Lord Pennyworth get ripped off...but at least he'll have something to show on MTV Cribs. Maybe it was Robbie Williams who bought it. That dude...is AWESOME!!! Talented singer and performer, rich beyond measure, lives in a stately manor in the English countryside, and an egotistical jackass. We could totally hang out. Hit me up Robbie. I think that Jessica Simpson destroyed "Angels" too. We could talk about it...or just get piss drunk and mess with people. Whatever...



Has eBay gone too far? - Most of you have heard of Mary Carey whether you remember it or not. No, she's not Drew Carey sister...though they both have ample chesticles. She is the porn star who also ran for Governess of California against Arnold Schwarzenegger (and Gary Coleman among others) in 2002. Well, she recently had her 36-DDD breast implants removed (I know, I thought they were real too) and planning to auction them off for charity. Well, at least it's for charity...and better yet, for breast cancer research, which I am a strong advocate for...so much so, that I think EVERYBODY should watch the WNBA and eat Yoplait Yogurt. "Together, we can lick breast cancer." I usually zone out before that last word though. Thank you Mary for your donation to a noble cause...and your tireless efforts in your acting career. I'm glad that you've moved on (possibly to producing or writing or something) and have kicked your addictions to Xanax and alcohol. Have a Mary Christmas everyone!!!



Hot for Teacher - Debra Lafave is the really hot former middle school teacher who slept with her 14-year old student (possibly to get back at daddy) and has been serving house arrest. Since she's been given the old he-ho out of the teaching profession, she has been working as her only other qualified profession, a waitress at a small restaurant. Apparently the money from her book deal wasn't as substantial as she thought. One major problem though - according to her probation, she can't have unsupervised contact with minors...and probably half of her fellow restaurant employees...are minors working after school. Awkward. How did this not dawn on her (or her lawyer) earlier? It just goes to show, looks can get you anywhere...but brains will keep you out of jail. "Hello, Ms. Lafave. It's your lawyer, Mr. Braunstein. Have you had any luck finding a new job while we iron out the book deal?" "Yeah, I found a great job at a Counseling Center for Teens." "(Silence) Are you f**king with me? Ms. Lafave, you can't be around children...and frankly, who are you to give teenagers advice?" "Oh tehehehe, well, there was also a help wanted sign at the mall..." "You know what? Forget it. Do what you want...but I'm no longer trying to defend you. So long, toots!!!"



Where were all the hot teachers when I was growing up? I had ONE teacher, my senior year, who was semi-attractive...but she was a bitch. So much so that it overpowered any possible physical attraction...even for a 17-year old, which is saying a lot. Ms. Lafave though, I would have sex with her...just to say, that I had sex with a celebrity. "Which one?" "That Tampa teacher that banged her 14-year old student." "Really? That's sad." "Yeah, she almost cried when she realized they actually make penises in my size. She was used to teenagers. Totally blew her mind." Even in my fantasies, I miss the point of other people's comments.



HOW DID I MISS THIS??? - So I'm watching TV last night when I get home...and I see a commercial for the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. "Sweet, when is it?" At the end of the commercial, it says December 4th - 10 Eastern / 7 Pacific...or over two full hours ago. "NOOOO!!!" Apparently, I missed a great show. My buddy JJ informed me that Seal wore a shimmery tux...which I don't think is great...and neither did she but it doesn't matter...because he's with Heidi Klum and has a lovely singing voice. He can wear whatever he wants. The Spice Girls were also there. Here are some of the less ridiculous pictures...

You know, I have dreams like this all the time...

If this supermodel thing doesn't pan out...

Heidi Klum could be the World's Sexiest Plumber

"Hi, I'm Heidi. I heard your pipes were clogged..."

Victoria's Secret Airlines - Founders of the Mile High Club

"Excuse me Miss, I'm having some trouble putting

my extra large carry-on package in this overhead bin.

Would you mind helping me get it up?"

Sports News - Barry Bonds is F-U-K-T!!! College football isn't far off...but still entertaining. People constantly complain about the BCS but don't do anything about it. The NBA season is still young. So how do we fill all those ESPN hours when we simply can't find anymore sport writers to talk about the same stuff over & over again? We put in Spelling Bees, gambling, scrabble championships, competitive checkers, chutes & ladders tournaments, and I can't wait for the day that I hear "It was Miss Scarlet in the Study with a Candlestick" followed by $teve saying at home "What was she doing with the Candlestick in the Study? Can you say that on TV?"

There is one positive side about these 'sports' on various television stations...and here it is...

I don't care what cards the rest are holding,

nobody can beat Jennifer Tilly's pair.

Have a great day everybody!!!