Christmas Shopping

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Today at work, we had a wonderful little Secret Santa gift exchange (which honestly wasn't that secret...as you can probably guess) and Santa (a.k.a. Bubbles) got me the world's coolest Chia Bart. I will display it at work...because I'm hardly ever home...and even when I am home, I rarely remember to water plants. Luckily, my bamboo plant can go weeks on one watering. That is the only reason it has survived. That and the companionship of the stuffed panda bear that hugs him and keeps him warm during the cold, cold night. Anyway, I realized attempting to wrap my present last night, that I had either stashed my Christmas tags & bows in a place that I have forgotten, or leant them to somebody without their immediate return. In either case, I wrapped it (I had paper) and went to my local Albertson's grocery store, where one of my favorite radio stations, Oldies 94.1 KODJ, was doing a live broadcast.


I walked past as they were frantically setting up stuff...and there were a few service men & women in uniform (Army girls are hot) standing, waiting to be interviewed or something, so I said hi & thank you...as any good American should. Maybe this station will be the proud owner of the "Dr. Love Hour" when I start my radio career. I can fill a few hours in the late evening with some smooth R&B hits from the 60's, 70's, & 80's. Anyway, then I tried to find some Christmas tags & bows...to no avail. I asked a clerk, "I don't think we have those here." "What? You don't have Christmas tags? How is that possible?" "I don't know. I haven't seen them anywhere and we don't have any seasonal display thing for Christmas stuff this year." "Schucks. Okay, thank you." So I took some hotel stationary that I had at home, addressed it "To: Laquesse & Baby, From: Santa c/o The Kool Kidz" and she was happy to get it despite my obvious male wrapping and decoration skills.


Christmas Shopping - I've noticed that when I go Christmas shopping for others, it usually turns out to be a kind of "One for you, one for me" situation. For example, I'll go to Best Buy or something to get a movie or video game that I think somebody on my Groovy List (not on my S**t List) would want...and then I'll see something on sale that I would like. "Oh nice. Freddie Jackson's Greatest Hits for $9.99? I gots to get that." Then one of my other personalities will throw in their two cents, "Mookie, you shouldn't get that. Somebody might get that for you for Christmas. Then what? Are you going to ask for a receipt or something? After they spent all that time looking at five different stores for it?" "You're probably right, $teve. You're always right. Wait, nobody that I know knows who the hell Freddy Jackson is...less that I would be interested in an album of his greatest hits from the 70's and 80's. I'm willing to take that risk and get it now...while it's only $9.99 plus tax. Besides, then I'd get double reward points too." "You're right, Mookie. You've proven your case. Please, proceed with your purchase. Any thoughts on what you're going to get your stepmother?" "I don't know. I was thinking just stopping by the Dancing Crane and..." This is my world, ladies & gentlemen. Welcome. A constant struggle between two opposing sides. So if I seem to drift off for no apparent reason, either I'm deep in a debate about something completely random such as "Do I really like toast?" or I'm having some hot fantasy about Adriana Lima from two different points of view (star AND director).


So anyway, yeah, I've done about half of my Christmas shopping...but I work everyday for the next eight or so, then it's the weekend before Christmas when everybody else is scrambling like they're making eggs for the homeless. Oh well, I'll make due...and those that I forget, I'll charm them into submission. Besides, the most important thing about the Holidays is just to show those people out there that you care about...just how much you love and care for them. Commercialism and material things are a distant aspect of this time of year...at least to me. If you don't get me a gift, I won't be offended. Maybe just an email saying, "Hey $teve, you rock!!! I just wanted to let you know that I know that you rock!!! Happy Holidays, playa!!!" and that'll keep me warm at night (since nobody else will).


The Day The Baseball Died - In elementary school, I played on a baseball team with my friends in 5th and 6th grade...poorly. Sure, I was fast (long-legged) and I could throw...but I was an admittedly horrible baseball player...and I was fine with it. The main reasons I gave it a shot included that my friends played and they wanted me to play on the team...out in right field so when it's hit out there, I probably wouldn't catch it...but I could throw it back easily. Also, my Grandma Love (dad's mom) was a huge Atlanta Braves fan at that time and I really enjoyed going and watching games with her...just because she was so excited and I loved to see her smile, especially when I knew that she hurt so much from her cancer and diabetes treatments. It was kind of a rough time in my life when I saw her go through that while I was dealing with that puberty stuff simultaneously. I hate to say that I was glad to see her go when she did...but I knew that the pain would stop for her...and the Braves were still doing good, so she was happy. She even came and watched me play once. Probably my best game too because I drove in the winning run on a single...our only win that year that wasn't by forfeit. I know, please, sit down, hold your applause, it wasn't that great...but it was still pretty cool to me...and to her. After she passed away, I really lost any and all interest in the sport of baseball...because Basketball was my girl. I loved her and she loved me back.


For those of you who don't care about sports, I'm just going to let you know that today was the day that every Major League Baseball record, statistic, win/loss record, or anything to do with professional baseball as a whole over the last twenty years became an asterisk. New York Senator George Mitchell released his dreaded Mitchell Report (that has been going on for a decade or so) about steroid use in baseball...and it wasn't pretty at all. Barry Bonds was mentioned in the 409-page report over a hundred times. All-Star Roger Clemens was mentioned a lot (which caught me by surprise). In all, over eighty players were mentioned directly and there's still more data and tests coming in every day. Now, all the home run marks, strikeouts, wins, everything down to the multi-million dollar contracts they've all signed, and if they should be honored is under scrutiny. The McGwire / Sosa Home Run races of the late 90's, the Yankees winning pennants, Barry Bond breaking the career home run record, even the minor leagues are saturated in this steroid expose. It's going to be quite interesting what happens to the sport now that this is in the open...and I don't doubt that something will be done. It's just really sad for those people reading this out there and the kids around the world that might love the sport and have idolized these people for so long...to find out that a lot of their favorites were cheating the whole time. It's really sad. Oh well, screw it. For not caring about baseball, I sure rambled on for a while about it, huh? Anyway, let's put out a movie list or something. I haven't done one of them in a while...


Christmas Movies


Medal Winners


Gold - It's a Wonderful Life (1946) - I'm pretty sure that I've talked about this Frank Capra classic starring Jimmy Stewart as the ultimate nice guy (I like to think that he's like me) & Donna Reed as the girl of his dreams. To me, it's quite possibly the greatest feel-good movie ever made, even though it's over 60 years old. If you have never seen this movie, come on by my place, I'll heat up some hot cocoa, throw in a few tiny marshmallows, and we'll snuggle up and watch it. Or if you're a dude, we'll check it out and play Rock Band afterwards. You can still have cocoa. It's only fair. Anyway, watch it with your family. That's my suggestion.


Silver - Scrooged (1988) - Bill Murray at his finest as this century's (well, last century's I guess) Ebenezer Scrooge turned television executive who comes face-to-face with the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future. Unfortunately, without his Ghostbustin' buddies, he's forced to relive Christmases until he learns the TRUE meaning of Christmas...and it's Love y'all. Sorry to spoil the ending for everyone...but you should still check it out. It's a laugh riot and a timeless classic to boot...brought to you by director Richard Donner.


Bronze - A Christmas Story (1983) - "You'll shoot your eye out, kid." "Fra-jee-lee, it must be Italian." "It's fragile, dear." Yes, we can all go on for days about how entertaining this classic is. We've all stuck our tongues to the flagpole...and learned it's horrible sting. We've all written love poems in explicit detail about what the one thing we all really want for Christmas (Adriana Lima). We've all sung Christmas Carols like "Tis the Season to be Jorry (Fa Ra Ra Ra Ra)" at the top of our lungs. Coming from someone who was a four-eyed blonde kid with an annoying little brother when this movie came out, I loved it. Now, I'm a laser-sighted brown-haired man with an annoying little brother who still watches this movie when the setting is right (and I'm not at work until well after midnight). Also, I just picked up my mom at the airport (in a snowstorm during my lunch break, shhhh) and she has a picture of her next to the "Christmas Story" house during this latest business trip to the Cleveland suburbs. Go ahead, name me a cooler house to have your picture taken in front of. "I triple dog dare ya."


Suggestion - Trapped in Paradise (1994) - This delightful little comedy is about the three Firpo brothers (played by Jon Lovitz, Dana Carvey, and Bubbles' future sleepy husband, Nicolas Cage). The first two brothers just got out of jail for grand larceny...and were picked up by Nicolas Cage. He has been keeping a stable, normal life...until his brothers come back...and due to their clepto nature, and the fact that they found the world's easiest bank to knock off in the city of Paradise, they rob the bank. Unfortunately, during their getaway, there's a major snow storm, and they become trapped...in Paradise. Not only that, but they seem to find their ways into the good graces of the bank manager...and Nic meets his lovely single daughter...and now the moral dilemma and comedy ensues as the authorities close in on them. Give it a watch. You won't be disappointed. Even if you don't like Nicolas Cage, I recommend it for Dana Carvey.


Flush It - Jingle All the Way (1996) - The Governator (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and Sinbad 'star' in this Christmas time 'comedy' about two fathers trying to find the hottest toy of the Christmas season. No, not the Baby Alive Wet & Wiggles with a penis, but the action figure Turbo Man. It's not that good. Even Phil Hartman couldn't make me enjoy this movie...and I didn't think that was possible. Commercialism of the holidays at its finest...and honestly, Arnie in a comedy is usually pretty hit-or-miss. I liked "Twins" & "Kindergarten Cop" but this movie was really bad, in my humble personal opinion, of course.


Future Watch - Bad Santa 2? (2010?) - Probably never going to happen...but check out the first one if you haven't. Billy Bob Thornton is hilarious. That movie made me not hate him anymore after the whole "I'm nailing Angelina" thing. Nightmare Before Christmas 3-D - I have no idea why I haven't gone and seen this movie in 3-D yet...but I certainly plan to. Anybody interesting in going, let me know. I hate to go to theatres alone. You know, since the whole Pee Wee Herman thing. Dumb & Dumbest (2010?) - Is it too much to ask for Jim Carrey & Jeff Daniels to reprise their roles? Oh yeah, this is mentioned because the character's name is Lloyd Christmas. Black Christmas 2 (2009?) - Also probably never going to happen because the first one flopped like Lacey Chabert's chesticles...but again, check out this horror classic too. I've actually never seen the original...but the remake that came out last year has the aforementioned Lacey Chabert, Michelle Trachtenberg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, and a slew of other young hotties. You owe it to yourself. Merry Christmas!!!


P.S. You're welcome, Mad Scientist!!!