Bourne To Do This

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night after work, I watched a movie that I hadn't seen in a long time...except about every fifteen minutes when I close my eyes and daydream at work...and that movie is "Return to the Blue Lagoon" starring the captivating Milla Jovovich. Now, for those of you who have never seen this movie (or will admit to it). allow me to tell you how they return to the blue lagoon. In the first "Blue Lagoon", Brooke Shields and her baby daddy have a baby boy...and then decide to try to leave the island. Unfortunately, they don't find land in time with their makeship ship and they die...but somehow the baby survives (cannibalism?) and their little boat is found by a ship. The son is taken aboard and raised as the captain's wife's own. Then there's a cholera outbreak, so the wife, the baby boy, and her daughter hop on a rowboat and head to the open ocean...and luckily find a nearby island...oddly enough, the same island that the baby was born and raised on. What are the odds? Hence, the Return...to the Blue Lagoon.

Like how I watched this movie, we fast forward through the years in a montage of Christian values and awkward conversations like "What's that thing between her legs that looked like a shell?" then the mom gets sick and passes away. Sad. Five years later, the movie FINALLY gets interesting as Milla Jovovich spends the rest of the movie running around in little more than a scarf and her hair. I can't tell you how many times I've imagined being Richard (Brian Krause, the dude in the movie) and frankly, if my 'sister' looked like Milla Jovovich, it wouldn't matter...especially if it's just the two of us...on a beautiful tropical island. Early morning, "What's wrong with your...thing? Why are you hunched over?" "I can make it go away." "How?" "None of your business." Yeah, that scene would have been a little different. Anyway, beautiful cinematography...and Milla Jovovich is hot as hell. What more could you really ask for? Did I mention the fresh water's apparently cold on the island?

So I played more Rock Band last night, doing a solo tour as a lead guitarist...and my average score was about 98% (again on Easy) so I'm unlocking a lot of songs. Most of which, I've never heard before (probably made in the last twenty years) but it's a LOT of fun. Oh yeah, eventually I'll get up to Medium...maybe even Hard, but do I plan on going on tour soon? Of course not...soon. Still looking for groupies though, if anybody's interested. My brother's politickin' to get a Rock Band for Christmas so we can start our 2008 World Tour as DeSexy Dragons. Details to come...

Speaking of which, here's a riddle for all of you. What do my cereal bowl, the winter sky, a hobo's fro, and my dating life have in common? There's a fantastic chance of Flakes. Foxy was a no-show (or telegram or notarized letter or call or even a text). How do I feel about it? Not entirely surprised. A little disappointed...but honestly, it's her loss. I may give her another chance. We shall see. Honestly though, ladies in audience, if you're not interested in a guy, just let them know. Even if it's something like "Oh, that's sweet. Actually, I think you're funny as hell and I enjoy talking to you and stuff...but you're honestly not my type. I like jerkasses who treat me poorly." "Okay, I can understand that. Just thought you might wanna hang out or something...maybe a little coming 'round the mountain or something later on....but that's cool. I respect your decision." By the way, if I guy doesn't respond in a respectful manner like that, you made a wise decision. If they start whining or something, slap them and say "NO!!! Now go to your room...and jerk off or something."


So after it was obvious that she wasn't going to show, I decided to throw in "The Bourne Ultimatum" which came out on DVD this morning. I like the Jason Bourne movies. I wasn't a Matt Damon fan before these movies...and "The Departed" just sealed it up for me. Before that he was just "That guy who did that hunting movie with that other guy. What was his name? Asslick or something?" I'm rambling again. Anyway, this movie has the action, CIA, mystery, car chases, sneakiness, revenge, and all the other cool stuff of a spy secret agent movie...but this one like the other two were basically the same story just done again with badass action. Allow me to summarize some of the key things necessary to make a Jason Bourne movie:

• Everything is shot with a handheld camera
• All cameramen must have a mild form of ADHD or some other condition that makes them shake uncontrollably. It's more intense that way.
• If it has wheels, we're going to chase it. Cars, bicycles, trains, big wheels, rollerskates, if Bourne is in Indo-China, I want a cliffside ricksha chase.
• There must be a minimum of four exotic locations where his travels take him. If you can't think of any off hand, spin a globe, look away, and go where the finger lands. In the 4th installation, we're going to.......Belize, Shanghai, Dubai, and Montreal. Okay, now let's start on that script...
• Nobody knows where Jason Bourne has been. He was last sighted in ____ about ____ months ago.
• Somebody has betrayed Jason Bourne. He must return to find out who.
• "Bourne is back!!!" The start of saying Bourne more often than the word "the" throughout the movie...in case you forget who the CIA is chasing.
• Insert action scene
• Bourne meets up with beautiful woman. Wants to know about his past. Gives puppy dog eyes, they crack.
• He has to save them now because the CIA is after them now.
• Insert action scene
• "Jason, here's some information about your past. You're part of Operation ____. What was that noise?"
• Insert car chase action scene, informant dies
• "This is Jason Bourne. Don't follow me again...or else." Walks away as credits roll to upbeat soundtrack
• Watch the box office numbers come in by the barrel...

Again, this was not a diss, as the rappers would say, of the Bourne movies...because I really like them. I know what I'm getting when I'm going to them. Like a Kung Fu movie or a chick flick. What will action movies do without Jason Bourne? That just means that Jason Statham will have to do more Transporter and Crank movies...and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Now THIS is How You Quit!!! - Atlanta Falcons coach Bobby Petrino resigned today as part of his "Get While the Gettin's Good" game plan that has served him well in 2007. In January, he was coaching the University of Louisville in their bowl game, then signed a 5-year, $24 million contract to coach the NFL's Atlanta Falcons, then his star quarterback Michael Vick had a case with the feds, he realized that the NFL wasn't all it cracked up to be, his team had three wins in the first thirteen games of the season, then found out that Michael Vick wouldn't be back for at least two more years, the University of Arkansas gave him a call, so he cheesed it out of the NFL and back into a major NCAA football program. These events make the Falcons looks extremely foolish and all for even hiring these guys...but is it really their fault? Who knows? More importantly, who cares? This just goes to show...Stay in School, Kids!!!

New Job Opportunity? - Game show host Alex Trebek found himself in serious jeopardy today (rimshot) after suffering a minor heart attack. The 67-year old television legend is in Cedars-Sinai hospital for observations...but is expected to make a complete recovery and continue filming "Jeopardy!" next month. A close call perhaps for the seemingly invincible moustache afficienado, but we're all glad to hear that he's doing okay. Say a little prayer for him or something. I'll admit...if there was a game show that I wanted to host, it was also one of the few game shows that I actually watched...and it was/is "Jeopardy!" but I'm just waiting for the day that Trebek walks off into the sunset Bob Barker style...then I can send in my resume. Until then, long live the King. Oh...and no, I don't know why I picked the picture where he wasn't wearing a shirt other than I thought it would be funny.

That should do it for the day. Long night at work (as usual) but I've got merry tunes dancing around in my head...so it's all good. My buddy JJ is apparently moving in three weeks...and she's super worried that I'm going to forget about her. It's partially founded because of my family's history of Ahlzheimer's but I'm optimistic that A) That would be some 40-50 years down the line; B) By then, they would have found a cure using those reprogrammed stem cells; C) You guys wouldn't let me forget about her; and D) I almost want to break out into song like Nat King Cole - "Un-for-gettable...that's what you aaaare..." but she may just be jittery about the big move...so I'll do my best to comfort her as Dr. Love always does. Safe travels to you, JJ!!! Have a great night everybody!!!