The Quest - Part 3

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Welcome to the thrilling conclusion of $teve & Mom's Journey to the Center of America...and back. When we last left our adventurers, they had just returned to their sanctuary in the Most Dangerous City in America two years running - St. Louis, Missouri. As the saying goes, "Missouri loves company" so let's join them...



Day 5 - St. Louis

After another later than expected start (it was a Ritz-Carlton bed), we thought that breakfast was for suckers...so we headed out to see the city via foot & public transportation. The concierge at the hotel had given us directions to a Metro stop a block away from the hotel...but apparently we had lost something in the translation...so we cruised through the private houses of Clayton, the suburb that the Ritz-Carlton is located in. Beautiful, brick houses with well-maintained lawns...but it was also very hot & humid with the Heat Index reaching 105 for that day...so we asked a local jogger where the Metro stop was & took it to Forest Park.

Pictured above is the Missouri History Museum in Forest Park, which hosted the World's Fair in 1904, the 100th Anniversary of the Louisiana Purchase. The museum is a fitting tribute to Thomas Jefferson, one of our tallest & greatest Presidents (pictured above in his actual size of historical significance). They also had an exhibit about Charles Lindbergh, his early years, his historic flights, & his life as a celebrity. Here are a few pictures from that exhibit...some with captions...

Below is the size of the cockpit he was in. Cramped?

Here's a picture of the Lindbergh Baby...

Lindbergh was actually one of the first treehuggin' hippies!!!

Then there was an exhibit about the 1904 World's Fair and how they completely built up the Park to look like the pictures below...but every structure was made out of mud, paper mache, & chicken wire, so they tore it down two years time to restore it to a park. Sounds eerily familiar to what they did in Salt Lake City in 2002...and are doing in Beijing for 2008...

When done viewing the World's Fair exhibit, we asked one of the volunteers at the museum where the restaurant was because I was VERY hungry at this point. "Upstairs on the right, but don't you want to see the Wedding Dress exhibit first?" Of course, my mom wanted to. "Thank you ma'am. You are a great help (but you aren't getting a donation from me now...because you're making me look at hundred year old wedding dresses that some unfamous chick wore ONCE and kept me from getting a damn sandwich)." Anyway, the next few pictures are for my mom...so that she can see her wedding dresses in two dimensions now...

This message is brought to you by the color White...

Sitting there, my eye was pulled to two college girls literally staring down an old green wedding dress & occassionally muttering HGTV jibberish back & forth to eachother...but never taking their eyes off the dress. Did they expect it to rotate? Where they trying to move it with their minds...or get it to change color or something? I didn't want to ask. I just wanted to eat.

Meriwether's - This restaurant at the museum caught me completely off guard. It was a very well appointed restaurant with a gorgeous view of the Park and moderately priced for a lunch at the museum. The AC was nice too. As mentioned before, I was just expecting to get a sam'ich of some sort...but instead I got a Bison Patty Melt (take that PETA) with Asian noodle salad and my mom got a delicious Portabella Sandwich with Corn Salad with beverages for about thirty bucks with a handsome tip included. Here are some pictures of the view that you enjoy there as well...

The last exhibit we checked out there was about the historic figures of St. Louis like Dred Scott, T.S. Elliot, and others...but because you already know all that you need to know about them, I just thought that I'd show you Chuck Berry's guitar & Miles Davis' trumpet.

St. Louis Science Center - It is a well-known fact that I am a nerd. However, you may be asking yourself...or have asked in the past, "How nerdy is he?" Well, allow me to assist you in answering that question. Here are a few examples from the Marvel Superheroes Exhibit at the St. Louis Science Center, where you can learn the science behind superpowers.

I've always liked Mr. Fantastic, even before he was banging Jessica Alba in the movies. Here's my impersonation.

Flame On!!!

I'm lifting the car...and I didn't even get a hernia.

They have a lot of other exhibits about dinosaurs, DNA (deoxyrhibonucleic acid), the human body, a planetarium, and many others as well.

Mars - The Redish Brown Planet

Busch Stadium - Home of the St. Louis Cardinals...for now. Also, St. Louis is home to the world's largest brewery for Anheuser-Busch...but we weren't thirsty for beer midday. We were taking the Metro to the Gateway Arch - Gateway to the American West!!!

First was a Steamboat Ride along the Mississippi River. We were very, very warm, so we bought some $4 blue ICEEs and sat in the air conditioned lower level of the boat for the most part, until we swung back towards the Arch. Here are some pictures of that experience...

Please take a moment to read the shirt on that last picture...

After that, we took a Tram Ride to the Top of the Arch. Please visit the link if you'd like to learn the full story about the construction of the Arch and many other fun & fascinating engineering facts. I'm kind of an engineering nerd too (see pictures of bridges above) but I don't want to bore you with them. I like to think that my blog is entertaining & educational...but I may be delusional.

My mom appears to be comfortable...

"Sure, it's small but...WHAT WAS THAT NOISE???"

View through the slit windows at the top...

After a fun time on the Riverfront, we decided to head back to the Ritz-Carlton for the evening...but not before I took some pictures of the hotel & its fountain during the "Magic Hour" when everything is beautiful with a camera.

I decided to do the In-Room Dining (Room Service) and ordered a chicken quesadilla and a Reuben sandwich with onion rings. They were delicious. Probably not worth the thirty bucks that I paid for it...but still, it was scrumptous. While my mom watched her antique roadshow, I filled out postcards & read my "Fart Proudly" book with an occasional "Who the hell would pay $2000 for a hundred year old butter churner? It probably doesn't even work. Didn't we see that at the museum today? It was free admission." Then we watched a Discovery Channel show about the Underground Ruins of Rome...because we're nerds like that. Slept in a Ritz-Carlton bed again. Amazing!!!

Day 6 - Return of the Jedi

I dropped postcards off at the front desk when we checked out & the beautiful blonde with those hypnotic blue eyes was there...with her hair down this time. "I can take those. Did you enjoy your stay with us, sir?" "Beautiful...and the hotel was great too." "(Giggles) Glad to hear it. I hope that you & your mother get back safely." "Me too. By the way, my mom thought that you were hitting on me the other night when you walked us to the elevators...but I explained the Service Values to her." "(Laugh) Oh well, that's cute of her...but I'm already spoken for." "I figured as much. He's a lucky man. Well, have a great day...and I hope to talk to you again on a return to St. Louis some day." "You too." Why did I mention that story? There's a message - Make Awkward Social Advances, Not War!!!

We ate at a nice Italian place called the Pasta House Company near the hotel. The Tortellini Carbonara was delicious. They had a lot of movie posters for old movies in Italian...and we even got to sit next to a couple of guys that I swear I had seen on the Sopranos before. I'd hate to say that they're the stereotypical Italian-Americans...but I can't really describe them better than that. It was great people watching.

Then I get a call from Haji (I kid you not, his name was Haji) with US Airways that my flight had been delayed...so they rescheduled me for some three hours later. Yippee!!! That gave me ample time to finish my "Fart Proudly" book (which I think you all should read if you get the chance & can get past the Old English grammar). I'll be glad to give a full review at a later date...but I just don't want to now. I didn't really meet any interesting people at the airport this time...but I got home around 10:00 and my dad drove me home...because he's awesome. That's was my trip. I hope that you enjoyed it.

GINORMOUS ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE DAY!!!

As previously mentioned, I will be an uncle again soon...and today my brother & sister-in-law found out that their next child...will be a BOY!!! The Bloodline will be continued!!! Behold, my nephew...and your future GOD!!!

Oh, he may be little more than a tiny growth now...but you just wait until he develops into the superhuman being who shall conquer this world & everything in it!!! I know that my sister-in-law can't wait until he develops...poor girl. Ladies, thank you for taking on the burden of childbirth. God, thank you for blessing me with a penis. It's truly appreciated. Have a great night everybody!!!

The Quest - Part 2

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,



Previously on "The Quest", $teve & his mother were on a mystical journey to St. Louis, full of peril & a variety of characters. When we last saw them, they were mildly intoxicated on a trolley car in Memphis, Tennessee anxious for the next day to begin...and the hangovers to cease. And now, we return...to "The Quest" already in progress...


Day 3 - Memphis to Tunica, Mississippi & back

The day started with a fabulous continental breakfast with waffles at the Springhill Suites Memphis Downtown (shameless plug). The start was a little later than anticipated...but that's what vacation is all about...enjoying the little things...like staying in bed when the sun comes up. We ate our breakfast and drove out of the parking lot, noticing a visitor's center for Memphis, so we stopped in & took some pictures of statues of Elvis & B.B. King. Enjoy...

Then we headed to the world famous Sun Studios, where legends such as Elvis Presley, Johnny Cash, Carl Perkins, Jerry Lee Lewis, Roy Orbison, and others got their start in the music business. Here are some pictures...

Interesting tid-bit about Elvis Presley - He first went into Sun Studios to make a record for his mama for her birthday (except it was about four months late, so it may have been a lie) and we listened to it during the tour. Nothing spectacular...but you could tell it was Elvis. The secretary for Sam Phillips, the owner, kept a copy and had him listen to it. Sam thought it was pretty standard stuff & gave it no regard. Over the next year or so, Elvis would stop by every couple of days & see if there was anything that he could help with as far as singing or playing the guitar or whatever...to the point where everybody liked him. Apparently he was charming. Then Sam decided heard him sing a few rock & roll songs and dancing around a bit...and had the epiphany to promote a record with him & put him out on the road...and the rest is history. It's just funny that he didn't walk into the room & everybody was emersed in his glow - "Elvis! He has come to deliver us from poverty. Go forth & spread the word...the KING HAS COME!!!" Just goes to show what can be done...with a little talent...and a great marketing scheme.

Another cool thing about the studio is that it's still a working studio. They offered tour guests to make a record for $30 or they could come in after hours and record for a reasonable rate of $85 an hour...which isn't bad considering that's where Elvis and others recorded some fifty years ago. Even our tour guide promoted his new album at the end of the tour. If I could recall his name, I'd share it...but I was too busy checking out a picture of the Million Dollar Quartet (which may have been aptly named in the fifties...but today, they'd be the Billion Buck Bunch). For those who don't know, that's Jerry Lee Lewis, Carl Perkins, Elvis, & Johnny Cash...

Next stop was the Stax Museum in the heart of Soulsville USA. Stax took primarily local grown talent including Isaac Hayes, Otis Redding, Al Green, Booker T & the MGs, the Staple Singers, Rufus Thomas and his daughter Carla, the Bar-Kays, Wilson Pickett, Aretha Franklin, and many others. One of my favorite stories was of...oh man, I think his name was Don Porter who was working across the street at a grocery store, then went in one day, decided to help out around the record studio, and eventually worked his way up to being Isaac Hayes tour manager & a bit of a singer himself. I thought it was awesome. Here's a picture of the supermarket today. WU TANG!!!

No cameras (even cell phones) were allowed...so I don't have pictures of Isaac Hayes pimped out rides & flamboyant outfits of the 60's & 70's...but check out his link. There's plenty there. Think of Stax as the Sun Studios...for the ghetto. Soul, funk, R&B, Rock & Roll, what more could a man ask for? How about a stop over at Graceland...IN COLOR!!!

Here's a glimpse into the man's living quarters...enjoy...

Did you guys catch the panda in the big picture? That's why I took a closer one. I'm all about the Pandas. Let it be known.

Comparing cell phones with the King - Sanyo Katana vs. the King's Suitcase

I'm thinking this was the movie that inspired Jean Claude Van Damme's "Double Impact"

I have a theory...and it's that Elvis was a hillbilly. Observe my findings...

Snowmobiles, golf carts, motorcycles, sleds, the man lived in Tennessee! Why does he need all of these? To fill up the front yard...

Gun Collection...including his favorite, the .38 with the turquoise grip...didn't find a truck for a rack...but I have my suspicions...

The fact that he HAS a Smokehouse should be enough...but this was located within the Smokehouse...
I rest my case. So Elvis liked to ride around on his golf cart with a few of his favorite guns, visit the Smokehouse, do what one does in a Smokehouse, & fire off a few rounds. That's good ol' country fun right thurr.

Also, I believe that he & Liberace had a little competition going to see who could be the most flamboyant...and Liberace won by default...but it was a pretty good race.

Another funny fact about Elvis - He won three Grammys...and all were for Gospel songs. Frankly, I didn't even know that he made Gospel songs. Also, it means that he shares the distinction of three-time Grammy winner with the likes of Diddy, Shawn Colvin, Wyclef Jean, John Legend, Beck, Chris Rock, & Fergie. That's right, Fergie & Elvis have the same number of Grammys.

"Hey y'all, watch me do this cannonball..." SPLASH!!!

The Garage - The man knew how to ride in style...

My personal favorite. Very sleek & smooth...

Only two people that I've seen on the hood of a car - Jesus & Elvis. Coincidence?

They really DID make a Barbie Jeep...

Question: How many Golden Alligators had to die to make the roof of Elvis' Lincoln Continental?

Answer: All of them.

You know I had to try the Peanut Butter & Banana Creme Reese's...and it was delicious.

It's a little known fact that Elvis was one of the pioneers behind the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers...or as he called them, the Leather Legion - Buddy, Chief Getiton, Breeze, Golden Feather, & Dragon Child.

...and their archnemises, the Legion of Gloom - Frisco, Phoenix, Icehawk, Stinky, & Blue Boy.

He also had two jets, the Lisa Marie & the other one...it doesn't matter. Why does even Elvis need two jets???

I like the idea of the seat belt on the bed.

See? Jesus likes Elvis. It's not a coincidence that they're both on hoods.

Here lies the King!!!

After Graceland, we took a wrong turn (who knew that I-55 North would actually take you directly West & I-240 West would take you directly North, it's a vortex or something) and we ended up stuck in traffic for about 45 minutes due to a horrific accident on the freeway...but while sitting in the car, we decided to head south a few miles to a state that none of us had visited before...Mississippi.

Remember yesterday when I was talking about watching what I say in public places because of visiting several firm notches in the Bible Belt? Well, along the way we say billboards about abortion & other religiously themed advertisements...including a few green signs that simply said, "JESUS!" with nothing else on it...even in small print. However, these two were by far my favorite...and they were only about two miles apart...and so radical...

Gatorade can sign ANYBODY!!!

Notice: There's a website on the billboard - http://www.isheinyou.com/

After about an hour drive, we ended up in Tunica, MS and from a selection of casinos in the city limits, we thought Bally's sounded awesome. Now, I've frequented Vegas a few times...and this was the kind of Bally's that I was expecting...futuristic, stylish, & chic...

These are a few pictures of the Bally's in Tunica, MS...

The Barn Restaurant though, they knew how to cook up a chicken fried steak...and the service was pretty good too. Sure, I lost $20 on the Roulette wheel in three spins...but I gambled in a new state. Yay for me. Anyway, that's the Mississippi that I experienced...so we drove back to spend the night at the Fairfield Inn & Suites Memphis where we sent out postcards, slept off the busy day, oh...and I caught this sunset picture over an irrigation ditch. Awesome!!!

Day 4 - Five State Road Trip Back to St. Louis

After breakfast at the hotel, we headed back to St. Louis...but we were going to take a slightly longer trip back. Originally, we were thinking over to Nashville...but gladly decided against it. We're not big country fans anyway. Instead, we drove back through Ar-Kansas where we saw several exit signs for destinations like Cooter, Big Oak Tree Road, & Marked Tree Road. I can imagine getting directions. "Yes'r, you take Big Oak Tree Road fo' bouta mile, thens you turn left at Yellow Dog Trail, and you'll end up at White Picket Fence Plaza. That's the center of Cooter...and I tell ya what, it's not a bad place to be."

Unfortuantely, I don't have a lot of pictures of this part of the trip yet...because my camera died about an hour into the journey...and I don't have a copy of the pictures off my mom's camera that I used...but I'll load them shortly...and you can enjoy the splendor of Southern Illinois, Kentucky, and central Illinois. We had lunch at the Olive Garden in Paducah, Kentucky. Stuffed Chicken Marsala, of course. I asked if they would Kentucky Fry it with eleven herbs & spices...and they declined. Oh well, it was still delicious. We drove past the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library in West Frankfort, IL. It's a library. Were it his birth house or the governor's mansion or something, perhaps it was worth a visit. I've seen books though. Lots of them...a large portion about Lincoln in fact...but we were trying to make it through East St. Louis before nightfall. Why? The night before, there were ELEVEN SEPARATE SHOOTINGS in St. Louis County. I'm not even sure if that included the East side in Illinois which was voted worse than Detroit.

Once we arrived in St. Louis, we were greeted by the setting sun on construction-filled freeways to get to our final destination...The Ritz-Carlton, St. Louis. We made it after a total of about ten hours in the car (with stops included) but had been in six states in the last 24 hours (MS, TN, AR, IL, KY, & MO). The hotel was fantastic...and my mom was pretty convinced that the lovely blonde lady with magical blue eyes who checked us in was hitting on me...but then I explained to her that it's a standard for them to escourt us to the elevators. Oh well, I'd follow her around for a while. The view wasn't bad. Oh...and the view from the room wasn't bad either. Here are some pictures of the sunset from our balcony...

We stretched out & relaxed a little bit...watching the USA men's basketball team destroy the Brazilian national team. I went downstairs to find out about a business center and pool area. In the lobby area, I noticed that a table of four was staring at me as I walked off the elevator. First thought - "Did I remember pants this time? Check. Is my fly closed? Check. Atrocious odor? Nope, Old Spice fresh." Then one of the ladies of the table leaned over and asked me, "Do you play for the Sixers?"

What? Oh, because I'm extremely tall and I was wearing an Eagles T-shirt. That makes sense now. As you know, it's dangerous to give me ammunition such as this. "Actually no, I'm not on the Sixers. Just a big fan of the Eagles...who happens to be really tall. Are you ladies & gentlemen enjoying the hotel?" Yeah, I didn't run with it this time. When at the hotel, I'm supposed to set a good example...and I did. No Ron Jeremy autographs. No witty remarks about playing for the Utah Stormin' Mormons, a semi-pro team that I made up on the fly. No thick Russian accent & claiming to be Vladimir Dunkabalovic, new to USA. Nothing of that sort. I was highly respectful & showed interest in their stay, like a true ambassador. Then I returned to my room & talked about basketball...basically to no one...because my mom has no idea what I'm talking about...but she was reading her smutty romance novel, so it's all good.

That night, I had slept in a Ritz-Carlton made bed for the first time in over three months. By the way, it's always a big thing for me to stay at a Ritz-Carlton hotel...even though I've been to about twenty-five of them over the past seven years or so, they're just magnificent. You should definitely try them if you get the chance. Anyway, lying there, I started to think about the last time that I had slept in a Ritz-Carlton bed...in Lake Las Vegas...and who much fun I had that trip...and especially the last night. Incredible!!! I slept like a log...a very firm log. TMI? I don't care. It's my blog.

Anyway, that concludes my entry for today. Join us next time for the final two days of my adventure.

To be concluded...