Today I finished up my Christmas shopping (except I have no idea what to get an 11-year old brat...but really don't care at this point) thanks again to the lovely people at the Dancing Crane and employees that seem to lack any kind of Christmas joy or Soul at Wal-Mart. That's not entirely true...but the vast majority seemed to be longing for an end to it all...and that's kind of sad...but it pays the bills, I guess. There was one lady who showed me to the Christmas tags...and by the Christmas tags...I mean THE Christmas tags...as in one package with little baggies (saves me from wrapping though) that still had tags. I momentarily considered just writing names on Post-its. Nothing says from the heart like a Post-it with a smiley face, in my personal opinion...but I folded faster than Superman on laundry day and got the last one. Sorry if you showed up moments after and were disappointed...but you had 363 shopping days since last Christmas.
What did I get? Well, since I think a few of my giftees are readers of this blog, I can't say...but I may have gone a little overboard this Christmas. We shall see how they like them. I will let you in on a few trends that I've noticed over the years though that kind of disturb me. First off, I would like to let you all know that my brother DID finally find a Baby Alive Wet & Wiggles with a teeny weeny & berry set...but will have a son around Valentine's Day that my niece will be able to check out too...and I'm thinking that the size difference is just going to confuse her...but Uncle $teve can explain it to her simply, "Vinny was made in your mommy. The doll was made in China." It just goes to show that twelve words can be more effective than twelve steps...as long as it's the right words.
Barbie has gotten a lot of guff over the last half-century because the dolls give a certain stereotype as far as how girls are supposed to look and act and all this other stuff. That may be true...if you're easily impressionable like kids are...and in that case, don't buy them Barbies. However, my sister-in-law gave my nieces their first Barbies the other day...and I have no problem with that. Would you like to know why? BRATZ!!! Have you seen these stupid dolls? Now, Barbie may be a ditsy blonde with plastic boobs...but these little Bratz are simply whores...with gigantic heads. A few years ago, my mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas...and being the smartass that I am, I said "A Gangsta Bitch Barbie with Tatas & Tatts." I was 18 years old. Would you like to know what my mom got me? A Gangsta Bitch Barbie with Tatas & Tatts that she made herself (with colorful and tasteless accessories) and I see a very similar sight every time that I walk down the children's aisle and see Bratz (only my mom's was better, love ya mom). As you can tell, I don't plan on ever letting my children play with them...and probably not Barbie either...but if I had to choose one...I'm going with the original...in a school girl outfit.
After shopping, I picked up some Pei Wei for Bubbles & myself and that brings us to today's Fortune Cookie of the Day - "Today will be pleasant, your life will be prosperous...in bed." Today has been very pleasant so far...and apparently I'm going to have a prosperous life...in bed. What's not to look forward to? Sometimes I long for more specific fortune cookies...like "Put twenty bucks on the Patriots to go perfect in the regular season" or "Invest in Soybeans" or "Go ahead and smack her ass. She would like it very much. She's been waiting for MONTHS for you to do it." Stuff like that...and you couldn't sell enough Chinese food, just for the cookies at the end. Now for some real news...Man Lives The Dream - In Frankfort, Indiana on Friday, seventy-year old Paul Brant bought a new Dodge Ram half-ton pickup. No, the news isn't that he bought a Dodge...but rather that he paid for it in quarters and dollar coins. He was escourted by a sherriff on the way to the dealership as he brought rolls upon rolls of coins. Why do I think this man is living the dream? Because I've always wanted to pay for something (house, car, whatever) using a suitcase full of cash...even if it's just full of singles for buy a used car...but have yet to do so. One day maybe...one day...
That'll Teach Him - A Rock Springs Wyoming woman was released on $7500 bail after being charged with aggravated assault and battery. Who did she attack? Her husband of course. Why? Because he opened a Christmas present early...and for some reason she accused him of having an affair...so she stabbed him in the chest. The two were married in late September...so they were due for their first domestic disturbance under Wyoming state law anyway...but I wonder what the present was. My guess...well, rather my hope...was some kind of a kevlar vest, so he'd be prepared for next time. Lesson for all you kids out there - Don't open your presents before Christmas morning...or your crazy mother will accuse you of having another mommy and is likely to stab you with a candy cane. Merry Christmas...and don't do meth!!!
A Truly Shitty Wedding Dress - Jennifer Cannon and Doy Nichols of Lexington, Kentucky were married in Times Square earlier this week. Apparently, it's legal to name your son Doy in Kentucky...though it's still mean. The main story is though...that Jennifer's dress was made out of Charmin toilet paper. No complaints from the groom as he always said that his wife was squeezably soft...so the dress should be the same. (Rim shot) More interesting crap about this dress...is there was actually a contest to make the best TP Wedding Dress and it was sponsored by a company after my own heart, Cheap Chic Weddings.
There are Crazy Dog Ladies Too??? - A crazy broad in Corpus Christi had some 237 canines removed from her home last week. Most were Pomeranians, so they could easily be stacked by the gross into one animal control vehicle...but it just goes to show that it's not just crazy cat ladies anymore. We should all be afraid...very afraid. I think this lady should be put away for a minimum of 23 months...because I'm certain that she was breading those Pomeranians for the purposes of having them duel to the death. Not for money...but for the last Beggin' Strip in the bag. I'm just thankful that those little furballs didn't have to be put in the ring to prove themselves...because it would have been really loud and obnoxious.I guess that'll do it for today. I guess I'll check in with all of you some day soon...maybe after Christmas so I can give you a final tally of my Christmas score. Also, going to get some good Utah Blaze tickets tomorrow. I'll keep you posted on that too. Still waiting for RSVP's to my Aunt Missy's birthday party next Saturday, December 29th. So until next time, have a very merry Christmas!!! Happy Birthday Jesus!!!
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