Wednesday, November 28, 2007

There's a Chance!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Today is a BIG day!!! However, I'm going to save the best for last…and it involves my dating life…sort of. First off, Movie Night was a smashing success…in that a movie was watched ("Mr. Brooks") by the lovely Bubbles & myself and a good time and alcoholic beverages were had…despite Box Girl standing me up. Now, granted last night it did snow a bit…and as is ritual people drive like crap with the first snow of the year. It's like they forget over the course of six months that stuff falls from the sky and it isn't ash from Mount Vesuvius. She didn't even call or send a text message though…which leads me to the following possibilities.

  • She has been abducted by aliens and is probably being probed as we speak…which was kind of my plan…but those bastards stole it.

  • She is a little slow (can be confirmed) and thinks that it's tonight…so she may show up at ten o'clock tonight…which would be super cool.

  • She's completely outside of her mind and not interested in watching a movie with me for some reason. I know, I know. It's the least likely of these three scenarios (yes, less likely than the alien abduction…check the stats) but it's a possibility. Anyway, here's the news…

They give an Award for that? - Author Norman Mailer died last month from renal failure at the tender age of 84…but not before releasing his final masterpiece, "The Castle in the Forest." This "great American man of letters" poured his soul into this story…and has now received an award for his efforts and literary contribution to society by the Literary Review Magazine. The award…is the annual Bad Sex in Fiction Award…for his book is a fictionalized exploration of Hitler's family (primarily his parents) as narrated by a demon…and is an explicit rendition of the incestuous encounter between the genocidal former German dictator's parents. Wow. I have to get a copy of this book now. If I had any idea that an award like this was given out, I would finish one of my literary works instead of focusing on my movies. What? They give awards for this in MOVIES TOO??? Finally, I can show the world my certainly now Award-winning story involving pandas, mayonnaise, and a former dictator entitled, "Sensual Saddamy" rated R for really, really disturbing stuff. Yeah, that's twisted…but read the article for more disturbing ideas that actually happened last year…including multiple nominee David Thewlis (Remus Lupin in the Harry Potter movies). Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some movies to make.

The Worst Trap Ever - The Florida Highway Patrol (David Caruso was in talks to costar with Erik Estrada in FHiPs…but because of the writer's strike…) says anyone missing two Hefty garbage bags full of marijuana can call their Tampa office. A highway cleanup crew found the garbage bags totaling 60 pounds of the stickiest of the icky (it had rained earlier in the day) and it's street value (I guess in Tampa's economy) is about $54,000 ($900 per pound). Somewhere, probably in Naples, two fairly famous actors are waking up from an all-night bender, walk outside, and ask each other, "Dude, where's my pot?" "Where's your pot, dude?" Oh how sweet karmic justice is Ashton Kutcher!!! You punk me in my dreams…and then you lose your harvest.

Panda Update - Remember the lovely panda cub born about three months ago at the San Diego Zoo? Well, it's been 100 days…and in accordance with both Chinese tradition and suggestions from zoo visitors, they have decided on a name for the new cub…and it is "Precious" or Zhen Zhen. An overwhelming 36% of the vote went to Zhen Zhen out of the final four names selected (kind of like Election 2008). The other names in the vote were Li Hua (Beautiful China), Ming Zhu (Bright Treasure), and Xiao Li (Little Beauty). My suggestion of Ling Ling ("Towering Mountain" and Drawn Together character) was apparently eliminated in the Elite Eight. Congratulations Precious!!! Happy Naming Day!!! I've always wanted to name my daughter that (but for now, she'll just be the female lead in my movie script).

Kanye West Still Pickin' Fights - Is it just me or does Kanye West keep trying to pick fights? First, he attacked those who doubted his musical skills growing up, then he assaulted the English language (some rhymes are a bit of stretch…even for me), then he challenged the Grammy Awards (and just about every other awards show that 'snubs' him…and there are many), then he got in a spat with his mentor Jay-Z…probably over top billing or something, then he and 50 Cent had their highly-publicized (emphasis on publicity) battle over album releases, now he's suing his mother's plastic surgeon. Well, at least one of his disputes is over and done with. He and 69-year old motorcycle stuntman Evel Knievel have settled their royalties dispute over Knievel's trademark image being used in Kanye's "Touch the Sky" video. It's a small step for 'Ye…one giant leap over the Snake River Canyon for Knievel. Meeting that guy would be like meeting Hugh Hefner to me. Maybe I should slightly slander his image so that I can get a photo-op with him as we settle for a few drinks and a lapdance at a weekend in Vegas. Here's my attempt…

Even looking at this advertisement...I can't attack you...
You're Evel "F**king" Knievel!!!

Personal Knowledge of the Day - Last night, somebody asked me "$teve, what does it mean to be Ridin' Dirty?" Having the complexion of a cracker, I had no idea. However, I researched it…and we found that apparently, to be "Ridin' Dirty" means that you are driving around in your preferred medium of transportation while having illegal contraband on your person…or within the contents of your vehicle…thus creating a very awkward situation when/if you are confronted by law enforcement officials. Just a little FYI if there are other people out there like me. No need to thank me, just pay it forward.

Now…for the BIG news!!! - Ladies & Gentlemen, as you may now from reading my blog…I don't know…EVER, I have a certain…let's say lust filled affection towards Brazilian supermodel Adriana Lima. Now, sure I know that if we were ever to meet, my awkward social charms and pure raw sexual energy that emits from both my hands and speech hole would certainly win her over eventually…but physically, there's a slim possibility that she may just not be interested in me (maybe she likes pretty boys instead of manly men). However, there is incredible news that makes me think…there's really a plausible chance of her being sexually attracted to me if/when we ever met…and here's why.

Her current boyfriend is none other than NBA role player for the Minnesota Timberwolves, Marko Jaric. Never heard of him? Don't feel too bad. I follow basketball around the world and barely know him. He's the gentleman pictured on the left...and yes, he looks like that ALL the time. THIS going out with this girl. Amazing. I've always thought he was a pretty good all-around player…but I had no idea this playa could pull off even a pity date with Adriana Lima…but it's reassuring to me…and here's why.

Marko: 6'7", 225 pound basketball player
$teve: 6'8", 230 pound basketball player
Adriana: I think she would appreciate the extra inch or so all around
Advantage: $teve

Marko: Manly Man of Serbian descent with funny accent
$teve: Manly Man of Czechoslovakian descent who can do many funny accents
Adriana: She likes Eastern European men
Advantage: Draw

Marko: Stupid search engine that may have no affiliation to him
$teve: Popular web-based journal dedicated to Peace, Love, & Lima
Adriana: I think she'd like somebody with a sense of humor
Advantage: $teve

Marko: Apparently, doesn't use a razor because of his resentment for American products (Basketball was invented by a Canadian)
$teve: So fresh, so clean…but the Devil's facial hair can make a return if requested…and I strongly support Stephen Colbert & his new book "I Am America (And So Can You)"
Adriana: Wants somebody who can tickle her with or without the facial hair…and love the country that made her an international celebrity
Advantage: $teve

Marko: Currently a mediocre NBA player that makes $6 million per year
$teve: Currently an SLC playa who hustles his way across the globe on about $40,000 per year
Adriana: She's already rich. I think she's looking for a romantic guy who can take her around the world (like she hasn't already been there), show her a good time, share a lot of laughs, then bow chicka bow wow to help her work off those pounds from dinner…and dessert. Money is overrated.
Advantage: $teve as Dr. Love - The guy who doesn't have to stay in Minnesota for eight months to play basketball.

Marko: Has trouble putting his clothes on
$teve: Doesn't even bother with clothes unless he's at work (company policy) but always looks crisp
Adriana: Used to wearing as little as possible…but wants somebody to keep her warm
Advantage: $teve

Marko: Worships false idols…like NBA referees that look like Satan
$teve: Worships Adriana Lima and Pandas, both holy entities
Adriana: Looking for a man who has a good moral foundation and is willing to learn Portuguese at the MTC for her
Advantage: $teve

Final Verdict: I need to crash a Timberwolves game or a runway in Milan or something so that Adriana doesn't sell herself short on this Marko Jaric guy. Maybe we'll meet in Dallas. Do the Wolves play the Mavericks soon? HOLY CRAP!!! THEY DO TONIGHT!!! See ya on Monday…I wonder if Marko's taking her to the BEST FOOTBALL GAME OF THE YEAR!!! No? Advantage: $teve

Adriana, let me know what you think. Wait, who's that signaling me at the airport???


Tuesday, November 27, 2007

80 Questions or Less

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Hella bored again...and I got this questionairre from a here you go. It was titled "80 Questions" but as usually there were a bunch of numbers missing (I blame public schools) so I renumbered them. There was actually an even fitty-too. Enjoy!!!

1. Do you still talk to the first person you fell the hardest for?
No…. she lives in Jersey now, I think. That didn't stop me from having an odd dream starring her last week.

2. Have you ever seen your best friend naked?

3. Are you obsessed with someone?
Obsessed is such a strong & subjective word.

4. What is the best thing about your job?
The hotties...and the travel benefits

5. Do you like more than one person right now?
"I'm talkin' 'bout YOOOOU and ME....and HER. Simultanoeous lovin' baby, two or three..."

6. Name something that you would love to eat right now?
Your mom...and then chase it with some lobster

7. Did you get any compliments today?
Not really...but Bubbles basically called me a psychic...and my boss handpicked me for a special usual.

8. Who was the last two people to call you?
My dad (pissed that I get to go to the Packers/Cowboys game on Thursday) and Amber from the American Red Cross (scheduled to give life)

9. If you could pick the temperature of the outdoors for the rest of your life, would you?
What makes you think I don't do that now? Today's the first snow in the valley. Bwahahahaha!!!

10. If you could have one super power what would it be?
Not changing the temperature of the outdoors. Maybe mind control...that'd be sweet...

11. Are you happy?
Close, I'm Dopey.

12. What's your favorite smell?'s a little dirty...but it's gooooood...

13. What is your favorite sound?
A woman saying my name. It's true. It may sound a little conceited...but damn it if it isn't the Troof. It's a great way of showing me that I'm doing a good job.

14. Are you moody?

15. Last person you hung out with?
JL Clyde the other night. We watched movies. Big surprise.

16. Have you ever tried to get back with an ex?
Nope. Good, clean, mutual breakoffs for the better. They're going to have their dream jobs someday.

17. Have you ever toilet papered someone's house?
I plead the fizzith...

18. Have you ever liked someone but never told them?
Yeah but has anybody really seen Alf in the last fifteen years? We seem to like the same foods. Let me know if you get that joke. I'm curious how many of you remember Alf...or have ever heard of him.

19. Have you ever gone camping?
It's been a while...but I enjoy it.

20. Are you friends with all your exes?
Yup. No hard feelings at all...and this question's getting a little repetitive

21. Have you ever gone to a nude beach? Greece...and there wasn't an age limit. No further details.

22. Have you ever had a stalker?
I honestly have. Worst part, it was a DUDE. That's why I'm against Hate Crime legistlation.

23. Thirsty?
Nope, it's Tuesday.

24. Listening to music? What are you listening to?
Not at work...but I have Jay-Z's "American Gangster" out in the car.

25. Have you ever been betrayed by any of your best friends?
How do you think I say them naked? Here's a tip...never fall asleep before your friends do...especially during junior high.

26. Have you ever lied to your parents?
Yeah...but not anymore. Due the statute of limitations, I have beared all my past indiscretions to them. I still occasionally tell them ones that I forgot about.

27. Have you ever worn your best friend's clothes?
No, I threw his clothes back to him after I saw him naked. This question's getting repetitive too. No wonder there's 80 of them. It's really like 20 questions asked four times thinking I would forget.

28. Have you ever thrown up from working out?
I watching Pumping Iron for the first time two days ago...and to see Arnold Schwarzenegger talks about how 'it feels like I'm cumming' when he's working out and thinking "25 years from now, that guys going to be Governor of Cal-i-for-ni-a" is quite disturbing. No, I've never passed out from working out...except 12 ounce curls with hard booze.

29. Have you ever gotten a bad haircut?
Have I ever gotten a GOOD haircut? Only from Amy...

30. Where are your siblings right now?
My brother's at his house with his daughter

31. Last place you kissed someone?
Actually, it was my my brother's house...on Friday...on the lips

32. Name three things you did today:?
Woke up, showered, your mother

33. Last person you text messaged?
My sister-in-law. Congratulations on your scholarship!!!

34. Future kids names?
Here's a link...and the reasons why

35. What are you doing tomorrow?
Work, packing for Dallas, your mom again

36. Do you remember singing any songs as a kid?
In school plays during elementary, I remember singing songs from the Sound of Music and Mr. Roboto

37. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Oh yeah. Kairi loves kisses from her Uncle $teve

38. Are you allergic to anything?

39. What is your mood?
Excited…. It's MOVIE NIGHT!!! Box Girl may be there (if she knows what's good for her and wants some good Dr. Lovin')

40. Is anyone jealous of you?
Probably...but I honestly can't blame them. Probably short people.

41. When is the last time you got flowers?
I hate this question. Somebody send me flowers for Christmas so I have a different story, please.

42. Where were you 2 hours ago?
Daydreaming at work, having a steamy fantasy about Adriana Lima (more on her tomorrow...stay tuned)

43. Where were you 4 hours ago?
In a meeting with my General Manager and a few other managers. Odd thing, I probably make more money than them. Booyah!!! Always remember this though - "Man (or Woman) make the money, money never make the Man (or Woman)"

44. What does your hair look like right now?
Like Chewbacca on a bad hair day

45. Has anyone ever told you that they like you more than as a friend?
YEEEAH!!! "...and that's the story about how grandpa popped his cherry." "That story's gay, grandpa." "You know what, you're gay. Come back to grandpa's when your balls drop, Megaman. I should've let your mother get a schmushmortion."

46. What have you eaten today?
I'm tired of saying your I'm going to say a sam'ich.

47. Is your hair naturally curly, straight, or nappy?
Straight and long

48. Who was the last friend you were in the car with?
Jay-Z...on the radio. Probably Bubbles in real life.

49. What are you looking forward to?
MOVIE NIGHT...but only because I get to play with Bubbles. YAAAAY!!! Oh...and the Dallas trip in a day-and-a-half. GO PACKERS!!!

50. What do you think about marriage?
I think everybody should have at least one. Don't knock it 'til you tried it.

51. Any of your friends getting married?
Kelli just did. Other than that...who knows? Maybe I'm next in line...

52. Is today going to be good?
YEAAAAH!!! So far, so good...and it's MOVIE NIGHT!!! I'm Audi...

Who Am I???

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I'm back again...and after being really bored and doing that "Which Leader Am I???" thing last night, I wondered who else in history that matches my personality...and I've come up with the following results...

Which Classic Movie am I???

A fellow $teve-driected flick about the Holocaust? Awesome. It did win Best Picture. I would have expected more of a "It's A Wonderful Life" answer...but this is cool too.

Which Smurf am I???

Smurf yeah!!! Maybe I should have let the beard grow a bit. Naaaah. By the way, did anybody ever wonder if Smurfs were like ants...because there was only one female. Then again, I don't remember any Smurf babies running maybe their show wasn't cancelled. They just died off. A new film from Director Mookie Love, "Children of Men II - Legend of the Smurfs" starring Sir Anthony Hopkins as Papa Smurf, Stephen Colbert as Brainy Smurf, Jim Carrey as Jokey, Gary Oldman as Gargomel, and Milla Jovovich as Smurfette. It could be HUGE!!!

American Football News

RIP Sean Taylor - Pro Bowl safety for the Washington Racists, Sean Taylor died this morning after severe blood loss a day after being shot in the leg by an intruder in his Florida home. Taylor was home recuperating from knee surgery when somebody broke in, fired twice, and hit him once in the leg...possibly rupturing the body's largest artery, the femoral. He was 24 years old and in the prime of his life. Personally, even though he's on the rival Redskins team, I hope that they find the coward that broke into his house and go Goodfellas on him, then Casino style and bury him in the desert. It's truly a sad day.

The Worst Game Ever Played? - Luckily I was working so I missed Monday Night Football. Apparently, the Pittsburgh Steelers defeated the Miami Dolphins 3-0 on a field goal with 17 seconds left in the game. The game was apparently played at the Pittsburgh Aquarium as there was a wading pool that they attempted to play football in. The Miami Dolphins are probably the greatest 0-11 team of all time...but that's not saying much. They very well may finish the year 0-16 but half their games were losses by 3 or fewer points. That has to hurt the pride a bit I would think. Hurt you enough that you would let running back / dime bagger Ricky Williams play after being gone for a few years getting 'herbal medication' in Canada. Anyway, that's enough about football...until Thursday when I go to the game of the YEAR!!!

Sweeeeeet Caroline (Dun Dun Duuuuh) - Days after being outed by the American treasure Neil Diamond as his inspiration for the timeless bar song "Sweet Caroline", Caroline Kennedy is now gracing the cover of AARP magazine next month...AND receive the magazine's Inspire Award. The daughter of JFK (he's in my blog a lot for some reason recently) and Jackie O turns a stunningly hot 50 today and is now eligible for membership in this exclusive elitest club (They denied me entry three years ago based on age...last I checked, that's discrimination bitches!!!) November is a good month to be Caroline Kennedy. Oh yeah...and I almost forgot to mention...Neil Diamond performed the song for her via satellite at her birthday party. How awesome is that? That's like something out of a silly movie starring David Spade and the hot French chick from Braveheart.

Sexbot Update - Slowly but surely, Cybernetic Lovemaking Interface Technology (or CLIT) is progressing. In Japan, scientists have manufactured a robotic waiter able to prepare breakfast, carry on simple conversation, and boost a man out of bed. Some of the major things that a man looks for in a companion. "Wendy" has soft hands and fingers that gently grip, enough physical (and emotional) strength to support humans, and supple movements that respond to human touch. "Wendy" is five feet tall (average Japanese woman), looks like E.T. (average Cowboys fan), and is expected to be available in 2015 at the cost of $200,000 (fairly inexpensive for a woman...with inflation & emotional scarring taken into account). Now, they're serving us food...but that's just a test until they can give us a great sexual experience (pending the batteries hold up) then apparently...carry us to bed and pull the covers over us. It's the wave of the future people. I'm just the messenger...and probably a future consumer.

Anyway, that's enough for tonight...because it's MOVIE NIGHT!!! Have a great evening everybody!!!

Monday, November 26, 2007

What Famous Leader Am I???

I knew there was a reason that I liked this guy so much. I can't wait to go to Dallas in a few days...and see...where he was...shot. Yeah...

Who am I kidding? I'm ECSTATIC about the trip...and the impending Packers victory over those bastard Cowboys...and my fellow traveler C paying for the first round at the bar because of it. YAY!!! Anyway, I'm a little bored I'm going to do this silly news stuff to get back in the swing of things...because I couldn't pass these up.

Hooker Street - In the city of Whitewood, SD, Rev. David Baer has called for the renaming of Hooker Street, possibly the most fitting name for any street EVER because he finds it offensive to both his God's will and his wife. It's actually named after General Joseph Hooker a.k.a. "Fightin' Joe" who defeated Robert E. Lee in the Battle of Chancellorsville in 1863, not the profession that often operates there (except during the winter...because South Dakota is cold). That's the city's story and they're sticking to it...but on December 17th, they'll discuss renaming it. My suggestion - Dix Drive, after General John Adams Dix, who was not only a Civil War general but a New York senator, governor, and Secretary of the Treasury under James Buchanan (only single U.S. President ever).

Italian Colleges are the Best - In Pordenone, Italy, a secondary school teacher of Italian literature has been suspended because of her extra-curricular activities as a pornstar. Anna Ciriani, who calls herself "Madameweb" has starred in hard-core videos on the Internet (so I'm told) and erotica shows. Honestly, I don't see what the big deal is...other than those crazy Italian kids looking up porn on the internet. She shouldn't be punished for that. In fact, I would register for Italian literature TONIGHT if I knew the professor was going to be a sexy Italian pornstar. TONIGHT, I tell you. I love her attitude about it too. "I am a normal woman, with my family and my work as a teacher. I am (also) looking for transgression and sex." If I were the Dean at SLCC, I'd be sending her an email and/or personal letter.

Dear Ms. Ciriani (it is Miss, right?),

My name is Dr. Mookie Love. You may have heard of me from my popular web-based journal. I have heard of your legal troubles in Italy and I would be honored if you would consider taking a teaching position (among others) at Salt Lake Community College for our new Italian Literature program. Personally, I think it is a travesty that a beautiful woman isn't allowed to work in the field that she loves simply because she has a healthy sexual appetite (get her freak on...twice). I guarantee that you would not feel the same persecution on my campus.

I look forward to hearing back from you. Please find attached the numbers for my cellular phone, home phone, business phone, email address, business email address, web-based journal address, home address, parent's home address, business address, name and phone number of my friend who speaks Italian, eBay account profile, MySpace page, and I will be available at all hours awaiting your response.

Arrivederci Principessa,

Dr. Mookie Love

Anyway, that oughta do it for tonight. Have a wonderful evening everybody!!!

Part 6 - Welcome Back Kooter

Ola Senors y Senoritas,
Welcome back to Barcelona with Pat, my grandma, & myself. There's so many things that have gone in my personal life since I came back from vacation including spending time with the family, traveling across Utah to exchange my brother's new television, my first warning from a police office as opposed to a ticket, Box Girl may come to Movie Night this week, Dallas is three days away, my lip-gloss is bangin', I've seen a few movies, and I can't believe that 2007 is so close to being over already. However, I need to finish with my Rational Baboon's European Vacation…and then tomorrow I can start updating on my world…and the world around me.
Day 13 - Back in Barcelona

We woke up early to get some breakfast before being kicked off the cruise ship and rather than deal with unpacking all my stuff, I decided to go Guerilla style (or is it Gorilla style?) and spend the first few hours of the day in my clothes from the day before. Seriously? Who was I trying to impress? There was not one single girl on that boat between the ages of 14 and 60. Nothing but serious jailbait and elderly widows…and I wasn't looking for a sugar mama this trip. (Laughing to myself) Thinking about serious jailbait reminds me of a conversation I had with an ex-girlfriend while we were both lying in our own lustful juices sighing.
Girlfriend: "What do you think about kids?"
$teve: "Kids are cool. I like them, they like me. They usually grow up to be a pain though. Wait…do you mean the movie 'Kids'? About teenagers with HIV? Is there something that you want to tell me? Can I see some ID?" Luckily she meant the former…so we laughed hysterically. Damn, I get distracted too easily…
We took the hotel van but arrived around 9 AM so one of our rooms at the Renaissance Barcelona Airport wasn't ready yet. My king bedded room was though…so we put our stuff in there. The room seemed about half the size of the room from a week earlier. Oh well, it was a room…with a king bed…so the three of us chilled in this room and passed the time a little by watching Judge Judy on Larry King Live. How is she a judge? Sure, on the show she was really calm and explains herself well…but on the show, yeah the plaintiff & defendant are usually retarded, but that doesn't mean that you're allowed to be Judge Sandy Vagina to EVERYBODY. Not only is she a judge…but she's RICH!!! Borderline wealthy. Oh well, do what you do playette. You've allegedly earned it.
Around noon, we took a cab back to Las Ramblas for some souvenir shopping…and I had one destination that I had to see before I went back…but more on that later. Lunch was at a cafĂ© called Naria and I had the Quattro stagioni pizza with ham, mushrooms, and artichokes. It was pretty good. Over the next four hours, I helped the ladies do their shopping (basically kept them from getting lost forever because they lack a sense of direction). I also found a few nice fans with flamenco dancers or city buildings on them for some of the ladies back home. "Here you go…for being my biggest fan." "Ah $teve, this is beautiful. I'm so glad you're back." It's why I do what I do, y'all.

We found the store were Mr. T gets his bling

On that note, I left the ladies for about a half-hour while they had coffee to check out Museu d'la Erotica. Now, I know what you're thinking…but I was really interested in seeing this place since it came up in my research months earlier…and several people wanted their souvenirs from there (but they only had T-shirts that were 20 Euro and had the basic logo, nothing awesome). It was a historical look at erotica from ancient civilizations all over the world to Playboy to present day. There was even a 'porno' from the 1920's or something playing on a projector in a little room (silent film complete with piano score). The lady that was in it was rather curvy and plump by today's standards…but there ain't nothing wrong with that. She basically stood up out of bed, looked into a mirror…and I guess she was touching herself…but it looked like she was petting a hedgehog between her legs (apparently the razor hadn't been invented yet) and she actually seemed to be kind of confused as to what it was or something…and was feeling herself up really, really fast. It was rather odd. Anyway, here are some pictures…

Yes, that's a two meter tall fallic symbol from Thailand
Picture taken by a two meter tall fallic symbol...ME!!!

A Persian version of "Where's Waldo?"

These were some awesome pictures...

Action figures have come a long way since 12th century Vietnam

The great-grandfather of Anime

In case you're wondering, the sheet on there is a
little history on this "Pleasure Chair" that starts
about six languages

These are Indonesian instruments...
and you can guess where the mouthpiece is...

Then we walked through the nearby Mercat St. Josep (St. Joseph's Market?) where we found a vast array of fresh produce, meats, and other things. Enjoy...

"Give us, us free!!!"

Jesus apparently likes spicy food

After a little more shopping, we hopped a cab back to the hotel…and asked the lovely front desk clerk Sara for the keys to our second room. Now, when I say lovely…she looked like Mia Wallace (Uma Thurman) in "Pulp Fiction" but with a Spanish accent…and she had this little quirk about her of licking her lips every so often…and she had gorgeous brown eyes…and even smiled at my silliness when she asked about what we had done today. "You know, the usual…shopping, walking around the city, Museum of Erotica, coffee in the plaza, good times." "(Laughing) Yes…I have been to that museum. What did you think?" "It was great. It had exhibits from all over the world, the artwork was great, and it definitely wasn't boring like other museums can be. I was ugh…thoroughly curious about what was around every corner, I have to say."

Dinner was at the hotel restaurant La Sal and we had surf & turf paella, then tangerine sorbet for dessert. Deeeelicious!!! Basically after that, I watched a little Leno & Conan (oh yeah, CBS was in the room) then went to bed.

Day 14 - Barcelona

Woke up around 8 and went to breakfast with the ladies. Possibly experiencing Alzheimer's, they started talking about family trends again and how people are waiting later to have kids (this was where I threw in my Polygamy ideas a few days earlier) but to keep me interested, I put in my usually light fare conversation.

Pat: "I used to work for Coke in Atlanta."
$teve: "That cool. I work for sex...but we all have our addictions, I guess."

Basically, we decided to save some money...and just chill at the hotel for the day. Personally, I thought it was a little lame...but my financial situation wasn't too I agreed. I actually took this time to check my email from work and clean it out a bit and say howdy to some peeps. My prediction for the amount of emails was WAY more than it was. The total number ended up being 311 where I guess something like 748. It was a pleasant surprise to say the least.

Then I retired to my room to watch some Spanish TV (really nothing within 5 miles except the airport and closed businesses. It was a Sunday. The first few hours was filled with ACB Spanish basketball league. Being a huge basketball nerd, I found it very stimulating even though I had no idea what the announcers were saying except for the occasional name. There were some familiar faces (at least to me) like Shammond Williams (formerly of North Carolina and briefly in the NBA), Matt Walsh (University of Florida), Curtis Borchardt (Stanford and the Utah Jazz), Marc Gasol (brother of all-star Pao Gasol and drafted by the Lakers this year), and my personal favorite...a throwback to the time when I was in the college basketball game, Pepe Sanchez (formerly of Temple).

Pepe Sanchez was one of my favorites because his average game was like 4 points and 12 assists. Basically, he was Steve Nash before Steve Nash was Steve Nash...but only in college. He didn't really get a shot at a good system in the pros. ACB basketball was very fundamentally sound with great passing, defense, and teamwork. Nothing like the televised NBA teams like the Lakers and Cavaliers. Oh well, maybe that's where I should go play. I don't know Spanish but I'll be fully emersed in the language...or I could just go to Germany or Austria or something.

After basketball was a few of my favorite shows - Simpsons (Itchy & Scratchy movie episode), Family Guy (PTV episode), and Futurama (Blurgsball episode) but in Spanish. The funniest part to me...was that surprisingly, even the Bumblebee Man was dubbed. "Ay ay ay!!!" Still extremely entertaining though.

After that was this movie with Stephen Dorff and Natasha Henstridge "Riders" again in Spanish. I had never seen the movie before...but it was very easy to follow regardless. Also, bonus features about watching movies on TV in Spain, they don't edit out the hot & steamy stuff...and if you think Natasha Henstridge is hot now...wait until she's spitting a movie full of stunts, explosions, and thievery. Giggidy!!!

The news talking about a riot in Barcelona the previous night, about a mile from where we were about an hour earlier. Apparently we left at the right time. Leno & Conan then back to bed.

Dream #3 - This evening, I had a dream that I was playing a little two-on-two football with Brett Favre as my quarterback in a parking lot...complete with cars, vans, parking meters, and other obstacles. It probably would make for a really good Nike commercial or something (hint hint). I woke up after a few drives when I got sideswiped by a van going 40 MPH.

Day 15 - Barcelona

After breakfast, we took the shuttle down to Placa Espanya and walked down La Parellel towards the port. It was a bit of a walk...but the ladies made it.

Had to take a picture of this ad with Steve McQueen
There was also some ads for Martini with George
Clooney with a moustache...but alas no pictures.

First stop was the Museu Maritim (Maritime Museum) about the incredible nautical history of Spain. It was very thorough and quite interesting. Here are some pictures...

The Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria
a.k.a. the Three Horsemen of the American Apocolypse

This was the Royal Figurehead of the Spanish Armada
It looks like the Cowardly Lion...and hungry.

"Look out!!! It's the dreaded...El Nino!!! We're doomed!!!"
After the museum, we returned to Las Ramblas for last minute souvenirs...and I bought me a beautiful painting of a Flamenco dancer. Next time you stop by my house, I'll have to show you. Oh wait, I'll take a picture one of these days and post it. It's hot stuff. That's why I bought it. It looks a lot like this work by Fabian Perez...

Nothing screams Spanish Gangster...
like the chubby mouse from Cinderella

Lunch was at a cafe called Mikel Etxea where we had mixed tapas (appetizers) and beverages. It was very good and the people watching was excellent as well. Beautiful weather, good food, family, the, what else could you ask for? After lunch, they shopped more (I followed) then we took our last cab back to the hotel. Tomorrow we were returning to the states.

Just a little FYI that I found out on Spanish TV. The legendary Mr. Clean is called Don Limpio. Dinner was a club sandwich and tangerine sorbet again. Delicious!!! Packed up and got ready for the flight home in the morning.

Dream #4 - My brother & I were walking around...wait appeared to be a trailer park. (For some reason, my brother's in a few of these dreams, weird) We noticed some hillbilly types firing these little fireballs with this rubber band gun or something. One of them ricocheted back and knicked the side of my leg, burning my pants a bit to expose my leg scar (from car accident in 1998). I look down and bat out the little fire on my pants and who's there to make sure that I'm okay...but my ex-girlfriend Megan. Needless to say, I'm a little surprised. "Whew, that was close. Come sit down with the rest of us."

I sat down with her and four children, probably three or four years old (two boys, two girls). The kids are super excited to see me (as most kids are). "Here. Look at this." She hands me a camcorder, so I check out the video playback...and it's a video (really more like snapshots at first) of me during various times of my life...then video of me dressed up as a King, wearing my robe that I made...and a crown...and I'm spitting some stupid Dr. Seuss-type stuff while standing on my throne. That's right, I said standing on my throne. No typo. "Back in my castle again jiggity-jig. It takes large feet to fill shoes this big." Like I said, it was stupid stuff...but the kids seemed to enjoy it. My repsonse: "Who...what the hell is this?" Megan's laughing sweetly (as she always does), the kids start giggling...then gang tackle me...and I wake up. Yeah, ponder that one...and wonder if my brother bailed on me when I got hit by that fireball thing. I did afterwards. Probably would have earlier if I wasn't so surprised by Megan.

Dream #5 - Oh yeah, saving the best for last with this one. It was a long night. I was on vacation in Australia...and was invited to a research center where they were studying the Great Barrier Reef and large sea serpents. A hot Australian scientist (looked like Rachael Taylor from "Transformers") guided me through the place...and we ended up in a research room with a ginormous tank...holding what looked like a 50-foot anaconda. It literally filled up the entire tank. I was checking out some cool coral things on petrie dishes when the glass of the tank started to crack, then the water gushed out and threw me against a wall, knocking me out briefly. I came to...and heard the hottie screaming and saw this gigantic anaconda backing her into a corner on top of a counter. She was trapped. So I dive in there, pick up this snake (probably 500-600 pounds) and toss it away. "Are you okay?" "Yeah." Just then the snake pops up behind me with a loud hiss. I grab it at the base of the head to keep it off. I try kicking it in the mouth...but it doesn't work. Then I remember how to back off a dog, think it might translate over to snakes...and kick it in the chest (just below the head). I hear it groan. Kick it a few more times, then it falls into the water.

I'm exhausted. That bastard was heavy and strong. I'm flat on my back...and hottie scientist straddles me and starts sucking my face like it's carrying the antidote or something. So what do I think of? "Crap!" I push her off and stand between her and the water. "Were there any other snakes in that tank? Poisonous ones maybe?" "Ugh, I don't think so, mate." "Okay. Stay back, we're gonna get outta here." Just then, the door opens. Somebody else is coming in. "HEY!!! There's a giant snake in here. Close the door and get help." It was a cameraman, shining his light at me. Then Ashton Kutcher came running in, laughing his ass off.

"That was AWESOME!!! DUDE!!! YOU JUST GOT PUNK'D!!!" I then saw my stunned reaction through the camera...and a little blood trickling from my forehead. "What?" Everybody was laughing and/or shaking my hand. Then it cut to a few of the post-reaction interview...complete with slow-motion video of the accompanying scenes...

Guy with the head of the Snake Costume under his arm: "Yeah, I was surprised first that he tried to save her...but then he just blindsided me & Jim (other guy in snake costume) and threw us like ten feet. Ashton told us to get up and go after him...and that's when he kicked me in the chest a few times through the outfit...and he knocked the wind out of I just fell to the ground."

Australian hottie: "Hell yeah I straddled him. He risked his life to save me from a giant snake. I'm gonna (bleep) his brains out. If not for that reason, why else? He even threw me off him to continue protecting me. That just makes me want to (bleep) him more."

Ashton: "Easily, the best Punk'd EVER!!! I can't believe it. This guy's a real life action superstar."

$teve: "I'm gonna (bleep) kill Ashton. He saw what I did to the snake. He should watch his back. (Smile) I'm just playing. Well, I hit my head apparently...came to...saw the damsel in distress...beat down the dragon. There wasn't a whole lot of thinking going on until she jumped on top of me...then there was too much thinking going on. (Laughs as she comes in camera right and whispers something in my ear) We're done here, right? Okay, I'm Audi..." We walk off. I wake up.

Day 16 - Flight back

Nothing really happened during the flight back except I saw "Transformers" (with Rachael Taylor...which was really weird given the previous night's dream), the latest Harry Potter (I forget the name but saw it on a date), and a movie so stupid it was funny called "Hot Rod" about a 'stuntman' who wants to pull off a huge stunt to save his stepdad's that he can kick his stepdad's ass. I enjoyed it. Then Bubbles missed me for a few weeks, so she came over to catch up on what I missed, which was awesome. This concludes my European vacation!!! YAY!!! Just in time for my trip to Dallas on Thursday!!! Have a great day everybody!!!

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Part 5 - Where Love is King

Bon Giorno Principessa,

Well, after spending a few hours trying to add photos to my blog last night while catching up on the craziness that is college football, I have returned for this entry...and boy is it a good'un. Also, please note that it is not in fact morning as my greeting would imply...but all the ladies reading this are princesses. On that note, if you haven't seen "Life is Beautiful" with Roberto Begnini, let me know and we can watch it for a movie night or something. One of my favorites ever. Anyway, we now return to our previously scheduled program, Rational Baboon's European Vacation.

Day 10 - Napoli (Naples), Italy

In Napoli, where Love is King, when boy meets girl, here's what they sing, "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore. When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine, that's amore. Bells will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling, and you'll sing Vita Bella. Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay, like a gay tarantella." What does this classic poem from legendary poet Dino Paul Crocetti mean? Dr. Love is King of the land of Napoli...and he sings some silly stuff when he's in a good I am today, tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay.

This day started with breakfast, as it usually does, then we found out that grandma didn't want to participate in the tour this day...because she was exhausted from Roma and this was even more walking than that one...because we were to explore all over the Bay of Naples - Pompeii, Sorrento, the isle of Capri, and then a drive through Naples before returning to the boat. Great day, right? It's probably a good thing that grandma didn't come though. You'll see why.

The weather was a little rainy and cold, especially compared to the incredible weather that we had the first nine days of our trip...but it was actually rainy the last time that I came to Pompeii in 1999 and it was still an incredible experience. We met with our tour guide Vincenzo (Enzo) and we drove from the port to Pompeii, stopping along the way at the Gold Cameo Factory in Napoli (so we could spend money at this Royal Caribbean recommended store). It worked. I bought my mother's present from here. For those who don't know, Cameos are basically beautifully chiseled designs into conch shells, usually a lady. Here are some examples...

This one looks like what I got for my mom.

Pompeii was a thriving trade center in ancient Rome. Based on what I gathered, it was kind of like the Las Vegas of the Roman Empire in a way. Lots of sinful, sexy stuff going on during those business trips to sell goods (probably cameos included for all I know). One morning in 79 AD (the Coliseum was under construction in Roma), the earth shook at their feet. A strange smoke came from the nearby Mount Vesuvius...and within minutes, it erupted, spewing fiery ash and pumous rock into the sky. You may think that most people were killed by liquid hot mag-ma flowing in the streets...but it was actually much more gruesome and captivating (why it's been a dream of mine to make a big budget Hollywood movie about it). Some ran away from the erupting Vesuvius...but there were very few boats (none ready to take off immediately) and you can't outrun many of those that ran where either beaten down by the falling pomous rock or inhaled the fiery ash into their lungs...basically turning them into concrete and sufficating in excrutiating pain. The ash covered their bodies...and eventually their bodies decomposed, leaving behind what were basically casts of what they were doing during their final moments. Here are some of those casts.

Others retreated to their homes for shelter. For several hours, this was no problem...but the rock kept falling...and falling...and families were gathered in their one or two room homes...candles lit...with roofs that were designed more to deflect rainwater than rock. Air was getting scarce...and the families were getting sleepy...rock had piled on their foot up to three meters high...then again, most roofs didn't make it over three feet of rock...and caved in on top of the families. Truly a horrible way to go. Mother Nature can be a real bitch sometimes.

However, there is a silver lining to this and a lesson that can be (and has been) learned from this disaster. One - The city of Pompeii has obviously rebuilt and is one of the coolest tourist destinations in the world...with plenty of ships fairly ready to skee skee skee out of there with a few minutes notice. Two - We drive cars now...which are much faster than horses on cobblestone streets. Three - We now have a nearly perfectly preserved archeological site that's like a glimpse back into the ancient Roman Empire in the cities of Pompeii and Herculaneum (which I've heard is even better...but I haven't been there). Here are some pictures from my two adventures into this wonderful city. The trip this time wasn't as extensive as the first one...but the pictures are a little clearer, as you may notice.

City Square

Former temple to Athena

Coliseum unearthed

This is an amphitheatre they use sometimes.
I also apparently can't use a scanner correctly.

They don't build bathhouses like this anymore...
er, so I'm people who are not me.

This was the preferred bathhouse of the Senate.
It's rumored that this tub is where the phrase
"You wash my back, I'll wash yours" originated.
So what if I just started the rumor? It's my blog.

1999 - $teve at 18 next to a fireplace covered in seashells.

No, not another picture of me...but rather
the God of Fertility. Good guess though.

This mosiac was designed to create the
illusion that you weren't being watched by voyers.

Cave Canem - "Beware of Dog" No foolin'!!! Scouts honor!!!

World's first McDonalds - Built in 74 A.D.

Half of the original Golden Arches

Sorry, this was actually the fast food restaurant of Pompeii

My favorite shot of Pompeii...but unfortunately also the exit.

The mountain in the background is Mt. Vesuvius
It's still an active volcano...but it last went off in 1944.

We then drove along the coastline of the Bay of Naples. There were many gorgeous angles of the bay and quaint mountain villages along the way including Vico Equense, which we didn't get to see...but I wouldn't mind looking further into it on my return trip (remember the coin in the Fountain of Trevi). Here are some shots.

Sorrento is considered the in-laid wood capital of the world...and we went to one of the most famous factories in the world, A. Gargiulo & Jannuzzi. There were very many beautiful, intriquite, and therefore expensive pieces of furniture, artwork, and a selection of other jewelers goods including the world-famous Murano Glass from Venice (went in 1999 and saw how glass is blown, it's awesome). I got my present for several ladies back home here. You're welcome, ladies.

During our lunch, we were informed by our tour guide that the jetfoil boats that go out to the Isle of Capri were very choppy and many people were having a hard time with it (I won't go into details...but seasickness was involved) so our trip to Capri was cancelled...because they may have to cancel the boat service completely and we wouldn't make it back to the ship. People were obviously a little peeved...but it wasn't our tour guide's fault. Enzo and his charming Italian accent had no say in causing ten foot waves that threw the little boats about. It was Mother Nature being a little crabby. Take it up with her. So no venturing to the islands were the three hot sirens from "The Odyssey" hang out...but it's all good...because chances were that everybody else would be turned to pigs...and I would be fed them. "Bwahahaha, you just ate your fellow cruisers, $teve." "What? I was wondering why the pigs here were wearing jewelry and the rump roast had a thong in it. You tricked me!!! You bitch!!! Would you mind passing the barbecue sauce?"

Where was I? Oh yeah, so because the bus had already left for another tour, we had four hours to burn in the city of that meant shopping for most...and strolling through the town for me. It was actually a really nice city with a lot of cool stuff to see, even when it was raining off & on. The last hour or so though, it rained really hard, so most of our group hung out under the canopy of A. Gargiulo & Jannuzzi waiting for our bus that was on the way. Here are some shots of the city.

Yet another "Holy Kancho"

"What's under this bridge?"


Along the hour drive back, Enzo apologized profusely...but it didn't do much. It seems that everybody except me, Pat, & grandma were angry at him. He told us that we would be partially refunded...and to make it up, he would take us to some of the sights of Napoli. One lady wanted to see them, the rest of the bus were adimantly against we went and saw them. Go figure.

Do you see why nobody cared about the sights of Napoli?

When I went to Guest Services to check on the refund, some ladies from the group were causing a bit of a scene. "We want a FULL refund. This tour was ridiculous. It rained. We were stuck in a crappy city for six hours. Gobble gobble gobble..." Sorry, when people start to bitch & kind of turns into turkey gobbling or chicken clucking inside my head...and I get a little hungry. So I walked up to the counter next to them, the guest services person said "We can only give you a 30% refund. If you want more than that, you can fill..." "Thirty percent? That's cool. I understand. You can't control the weather. That's great. Thanks." He seemed a little stunned...and the ladies next to us heard my response and glared at me. I just smiled back, "Have a great night, ladies."

Dinner was scallop & mussels gratin, Coq du Vin (really good chicken marinated in pinot noir with bacon on it...and I lust for bacon), and chocolate truffle cake. Delicious. The boat was rockin' something fierce...and I was really curious how the Flamenco Show that evening was going to be when most of the people on the boat could barely stand up. It was amazing. The group Ole Ole played some incredible Rumba Flamenco tunes complete with beautiful dancing. It was great...but I still liked the first show back on Day 2 a little better. I still bought their album and a How-To-Flamenco video.

As people were filing out from the show, a sweet elderly lady next to me asked "Are you a drummer?" I was a little confused by the question...but then realized it was because during the performance, my hands were kind of beating on my legs and stuff because I tend to have drummer tendencies when I'm listening to some music. "Oh...not professionally or anything...but I do a little." "That's great. My husband was a Flamenco dancer and a drummer. He used to do that whenever he was listening to music too. You remind me a lot of him back when I first met him." "He must have been a GREAT man." Luckily, she laughed at my obviously intentional arrogant statement. That could have been really awkward if she hadn't. "Yes. Yes, he was." "I'm sorry for your loss. That sucks. I mean that from the bottom of my heart." She laughed again. "It's okay. It's been a few years." "Well, if you're going to be spending a few days in Barcelona when the cruise is over, I'd recommend going to this Flamenco show that we saw there. I think it was even better than this one." I gave her the details...and was glad to make an old lady's night...maybe two days if she went to the show. Anyway, I slept like a baby that night...except for when I woke up once, basically being thrown against the wall when the ship went over a few really big least I hope that's what it was.

Day 11 - Palermo, Sicily

We got a late start this morning...because we had no tour group plans today and thought we'd go at our leisure. Around 11 AM, we walked off the boat and looked for a taxi...because if you find a really good cab driver, they'll take you all over their city and its best sights for a flat fee for a few hours...and they'll just gush over their city's heritage and how much history there is and other intricacies that most tour guides in big groups ignore. Luckily, we found Machelo, who lived in Miami for about five years before moving back to the city that he grew up in, Palermo, capital of Sicily.

First stop was the Paloderma Theatre, followed by the Massimo Theatre. Machelo said something about part of the Godfather (or "Il Padrino" as it says on their souvenir T-shirts) being filmed at Massimo Theatre...but I don't recall the scene off hand. Probably Godfather III or something.

Paloderma Theatre

Massimo Theatre

Can you blow two horns simultaneously?

Next was La Cattedrale di Palermo. This was a really cool the pictures will confirm without question.

Then we drove past the old City Gates and the Royal Palace.

Next was Piazza Marina, where we found this creepy, cool, old tree.

Next, he took us on a drive up Monte Pellegrino for a beautiful view of the entire city of Palermo.

Cacti? Not what I was expecting on the sides of Pellegrino.

At the summit of Monte Pellegrino is the beautiful church Santuario Santa Rosalia. If you're wondering why it looks like this church is built into the side of the mountain, it's because it is. The pictures really don't give it justice but it was honestly one of the coolest things that I saw the entire trip. If you like these pictures, check out the link for some really good ones.

On the other side of Monte Pellegrino is the town of Mondello, a suburb of Palermo where Machelo currently lives with his wife. The houses on the hills look like they're icing drizzled on a cake or something. I thought it was really cool.

Then he took us to the beachfront to see the beautiful white-sand beaches of his city. Now I can see why all the Mafia Dons retire to this place. Beautiful scenery, great food, gorgeous women, I might retire to Sicily. They even have little mountains...but without feet of snow. I'll have to work on my Italian pickup lines though.

We drove back, wished Machelo well, and returned to the ship. On the way to send my Sicilian postcard, I ran into Donato and the other guys from Port St. Lucie. He was smiling like Sophia Loren showed up at his doorstep bucky naked with a check from Publisher's Clearing House. He had returned to the land of his ancestry and was having the time of his life. Good for him. We had a great day too. Maybe I'll have the same look on my face when I return to the land of my Prague. That'd be sweet...but that's for another day...and Milla Jovovich would take Sophia's place. Why not Adriana or Angelina? They're not Eastern European.

The ship left port around 4:30 and we were back around 3, so we had a few hours before dinner...and I watched "Music & Lyrics" with Hugh Grant & Drew Barrymore and "We Are Marshall" with Bayou, Matthew McConaughey. Sorry, I still think it's a perfect video game-to-movie translation. They were okay. I liked "Music & Lyrics" because it pokes a lot of fun at modern-day music and how anybody can make lyrics. Hugh Grant plays the Other Guy from Pop! (Wham!) trying to make a comeback...and Drew Barrymore is his cleaning lady who has a knack for rhyming words like long and wrong. Hugh Grant sense of humor is a lot like mine...where he just mumbles to himself half the time and has a clever quip for everything. It's okay for a chick flick.

Dinner was a bit of salmon, Thai BBQ Chicken Breast, and a dessert sampler. Those cruise ships know how to feed ya. We then went to a musical montage show in the main theatre...and by the end, I longed for death. It started promisingly with them singing Ray Charles tunes (horribly) but then quickly turned to a bunch of musicals...some I've never seen and/or heard of. There was a point where they mixed Bend It Like Beckham, the Guru, and Buster Poindexter into one song. See? Stephen King isn't the only one that comes up with ideas on acid.

That evening, they were having a midnight chocolate buffet, so we stayed up for it (though I was the only one that went when midnight came around) and here are some pictures.

Shortly after seeing this statue, I went to sleep.
Mmm, a woman made entirely of chocolate...
and apparently, she's kept in the fridge...

Day 12 - Day at Sea

I awoke to the sound of a knock at the door of our cabin...and in walked our roomcleaning lady Luna. "Oh sorry Kevin. I didn't know you were still in bed. So sorry..." and she left. She called me Kevin the entire trip. I guess it's easy to confuse $teven with Kevin...and I didn't have the heart to correct her. It's cool. It may have come in handy if I had done something illegal and had to cheese it...then they were taking her statement. "Who did this?" "His name is Kevin. He very tall...and tastes like chocolate." "Put out an APB on any passenger named Kevin. Tall, african-american male, armed & probably extremely horny."

When I finally rolled out of my bunk bed, I felt like Odysseus returning home after the Battle of Troy. I nearly fell off the ladder getting down because the rocking was so hard...and I realized that it was 9:30 AM and the ladies were gone. They totally ditched me for breakfast...and I really didn't care. I shared breakfast with two ladies from Tucson...but they didn't have much to say. We just gazed out the window and admired the enormous waves and the motion of the ocean. It was extremely windy and rainy, so on our day at sea, we really didn't have outdoor activites as an option...unless you're like me and want to get pictures and video of a torential downpour...

This picture is included...because wind doesn't
show up on the previous pictures.

In the room, I watched a Discovery Channel show about Marsupials and people that save the furry orphans from the wild and raise them...and then a show entitled "Xtreme Animals" about...well, extreme animals like alligators and tigers. No Pandas though.

At one o'clock, they had a Flamenco lesson presented by Ole Ole, where they'd teach us to the High Notes bar...on the top deck of the ship...during a storm at sea. I arrived a little early to look out the windows and see the storm. The sun came out momentarily in one spot and there was a beautiful rainbow off the portside of the ship. Moments later, the ship jostled violently from the waves and the rainbow disappeared as a huge splash come up the side of the ship. It was like something from the Tsunami footage. "Holy crap, we hit the rainbow!!!"

During the lesson, the floor was very unstable...but luckily, a lot of uncoordinated ladies had me to catch them when they stumbled. It was pretty good...and like I said, I've got their video to learn...since the lesson was only for about thirty minutes.

Dinner was red pepper Hummus, Mahi Mahi Tempura, and Brownie Madness. With a name like Brownie Madness, I was a little disappointed when I didn't hallucinate afterwards...but it was still delicious. After dinner, we packed up our things and were ready for our prophecized return to Barcelona in the that'll do it for today.

By the way, I have yet to see the "American Gangster" movie with Denzel & Russell Crowe...but I did purchase the "American Gangster" album by Jay-Z. I've been a big fan of Jay-Z since I first heard of him with "Volume II - Hard Knock Life" and this album is a lot better than "Kingdom Come" his last one. The beats are better, the lyrics are tighter, and I'm gladly bumping it in my Buick Park Avenue (Poor man's Maybach). If you're a fan of Jay-Z, check it out. If not, let me know how the movie is.

Have a great night everybody!!! Enjoy the American Football today!!! Big Ups to my blog buddy Bone Junior for this demonstration of Eagles Pride in the face of adversity!!! By the way, they just lost to the still-undefeated Patriots by three on a last second interception...but were 24 point underdogs. How many did the Cowboys lose to the Patriots by? Less than they're going to lose to the Packers on Thursday. Look for me on TV. I'll be the tall guy getting the crap beat out of him for wearing a Tony Romo jersey where the first letter on the back has been slightly altered to look like an H.
Cowboys Fan in the stands: "Hey buddy, someone done messed up yer jersey?"
$teve: "Oh damn. It must have been one of those sexy, well-endowed Eagles fans sitting behind me on the airplane. Damn their clever, perfectly-toned asses!!!"
Have a great night everybody!!!

Where should I go next?