Part 4 - The New Pope

Bonne Serra,

Welcome back to the epic story of Rational Baboon's European Vacation. Where did we leave off? Oh yeah, I was practicing my Italian pickup lines before having freaky dreams on the way from the French Riviera to Europe's Leather Boot - Italia!!! Just a little background into the next couple of days…I was blessed to have my first 'real' vacation when I graduated from high school last millennium…and during this 5-week also epic journey, we spent about two weeks going through Italy. So some pictures may be included from that trip too…simply because I saw them back in 1999 and not on this trip…but you should still get to check them out. I hope you don't mind.

Day 8 - Livorno / Firenze, Italy

After a quick breakfast, we met up with our tour group for the hour-and-a-half drive from the port city of Livorno to the artistic center of the Renaissance known as Firenze (or Florence to most), the capital of the Tuscan province. Livorno's port was massive. There was one area with a vast amount of large freight ship containers…and I thought to myself which one might hold the Ark of the Covenant (That's an Indiana Jones joke - "Top. Men.")

The drive was great through the misty Tuscan countryside with the Alps in the distance at times (where Michelangelo got his marble for his masterpieces), rolling green hills with changing leaves on the trees, houses that look straight out of an Olive Garden commercial, and so many Fiats that you'll no longer question why so many Europeans ride bikes around. It was quite beautiful despite the pictures.

Also along the drive, a few miles off the freeway was the city of Pisa. I'm not exactly sure why the Leaning Tower of Pisa is basically the most recognized symbol of Italy…but they should be pissed about it. I'm not sure why it's even an attraction. Luckily, we didn't bother with it this time…but here are some pictures from my 1999 expedition. Seriously, why would a standard bell tower with a horrible foundation built on mud be something that I would fly 8000 miles to see? There's also a lot of gypsy pickpockets too. If you get the chance to go to Pisa, spend that day in Florence instead. I guarantee that you won't be disappointed. If you wanna see horribly constructed buildings, go to Detroit or something. It's a lot cheaper and just as safe.

Upon arrival to Firenze, the bus dropped us off and we walked a few blocks to our first sight (and probably most recognizable), Piazza del Duomo (home of Cathedral of Santa Maria dei Fiori or "St. Mary of the Flower"). Because I was my grandma's walking stick through the cobblestone streets, we started falling behind…way behind…and of course Pat did NOTHING to let them know to slow down. Luckily I knew where we were going…but it still pissed me off to no end. I spoke with our tour guide Ignazio about it…and he wasn't very understanding…so I slapped him…softly…with my mind. I'm not going to slap my tour guide. The thought did pop up though. Anyway, here are some pictures that I took with one hand while walking up to the group…just in time for them to start walking off again. It's an absolutely stunning sight with the size, beauty, and that it was another one of those beautiful visions of talented architects that took generations to build…but were well worth the wait.

After gazing in the Piazza for a while, we went into an adjoining museum referred to as the O-Pa which house some of these wonderful statues…including some of Michelangelo's works. He'll be talked about a lot. He's like the Gaudi of Italy. You remember Gaudi, right? From Barcelona's blog? Okay, just making sure.

This was the first of many pictures I took

of what I call "Holy Kanchos" which were

introduced to me by Mediocre Gatsby.

Check out his expose on this subject starting

this last September 20th. Disturbing...

This apparently was a famous sculpture

and I think I know why...

Jesus is rrrrripped!!!

Like "Fight Club" ripped...and I think he

could definitely use a taco or something...

Next stop was Piazza della Signoria, where statues by many great artists are posted and has long been a center of Florentine life. In fact, the first time that I went, our hotel that we stayed in was a block away…and I remember there was a great gelato place there with rice ice cream (don't laugh, it's delicious) and our tour guide told us that in the early 1930's, in this square, a young German man was arrested for standing on the steps and talking about how to help Europe out of the Depression from the first World War…but inspired a few Italians…who later went into politics…and allied with Germany for World War II…partly because this young German man was elected Chancellor. I forget the German man's name…but here are some great pictures of the statues in the Piazza.

This one is called "Raping of the Sabine Woman"

It looks like the most awkward three-way ever.

What's the guy on the bottom doing?

Here's a picture of the REAL "David" from 1999

The shadowy man on the bottom is my stepdad

This isn't the real "David" but it's still cold outside

I think this one was called "The Italian Teabag"

Is that the same guy on bottom from the "Raping" statue?

Loosely translated from Latin to

"Odysseus Gets Head from Medusa"

A fellow Eclectic Eccentric, Michelangelo decided

to be buried in liquid marble and displayed in this pose.

I want to bronze my corpse when I pass on.

Next stop was the Ponte Vecchio bridge. Quick story also concerning World War II - Apparently, all the bridges along the Arno River were destroyed (so no bridges now older than the late 1940's) EXCEPT for the Ponte Vecchio bridge…which they used as a checkpoint to control traffic through the city. Now, it's basically a tourist trap filled with jewelry shops but I still think that it's absolutely gorgeous…especially these pictures with the reflection off the perfectly still river. Also, it made me think of my favorite place to stay when I go to Vegas, the Ritz-Carlton Lake Las Vegas. Ah the memories…and the pictures…

Lunch was at a wonderful restaurant were they served us some of the finest Tuscan cuisine that I (or any of the elderly people at my table) had ever had. Honestly, the lasagna was basically perfect. It melted in your mouth and was like a creamy cheesy concoction with a hint of tomato and other spices…but simply perfect. Al Dente indeed. My grandma and I sat at the table with three elderly couples from Port St. Lucie (retired there but originally from New York City) and I met a great guy named Donato. He was well into his 70's or 80's but had a glow about him like he was a teenager or something. This trip to Italy was like a homecoming for him. He was of Sicilian decent and his parents spoke Italian during his younger years in Little Italy, NYC so he was like a kid of Christmas coming to Florence…and though he said his wife was an excellent cook, she was not offended when he said this was the best food of his life. She agreed with him. We also got to talking about what we do for a living…and he's rich from many enterprises but got great deals on his cruise through his son's company Direct Line Cruises. You may wanna check it out. Yes, it's a shameless plug for a great guy. So what?

After lunch, we went to the Basilica de Santa Croce. The church is beautiful…and there are also tombs and monuments to great people of history like Dante, Galileo, Niccolo Machiavelli, and Michelangelo. There was also plenty of shopping around the square…and being a cruise tour, we were left with ample time to take part in the shopping with recommended stores…but I took pictures and hung out with my grandma, exhausted from the day. Good times. She was a trooper though…and I wasn't going to leave her behind.

Monument to Michelangelo

On the way back to the ship, we stopped at THE incredible scenic overlook of Firenze that is on all the postcards, photos, and everything else. It truly is one of the best lookout points in the world of one of the greatest cities in the world. Don't believe me, here are some pictures…

Again, not the real "David" but looks over Firenze

Rare reverse angle of "David"

The ladies love it. That's why there's four

of them at the base of the statue

Then we drove back through the Tuscan countryside at sunset during "The Magic Hour" so it was even more beautiful than the dusk drive…but I dozed off after a few minutes so no pictures. My bad.

Dinner on the ship was strawberry bisque (had to try it out of curiosity), antipasto, and my favorite Oliver Garden / Tuscan entrée - Chicken Marsala. Also, every night at dinner, Pat & I bought these shots that they offered where you get to keep the shotglass (collected the whole set of six) but all the shots were basically a mix of kahlua, Bailey's irish cream, and random addition each night...but they all tasted the same. The best part about them were the suggestive names that they gave them like the Spanish Fly, the French Tickler, the Italian Teabag, and the Sicilian Screw. Okay, they were really Spanish Breeze, French Kiss, and Italian Tea...but I still like my names better.

After dinner, the ladies & I went back to the room…and somehow our conversation went from how much kids are spoiled nowadays…to Polygamy. I've already expressed some of my views on Polygamy in past entries…but I really think that it can be a beneficial situation for people. How, you ask? Allow me to go in depth…and afterwards, simply leave me a comment if you're interested in joining my compound.

How Polygamy Can Work - Nowadays, more and more young people are focusing on their careers and therefore starting families in their late twenties, early thirties. Why? There's no possible way that you can progress in a corporate atmosphere and rear children (at least that's the perception of most). What if there was a way out? To have children, raised in a loving environment, while you pursued your ambitions simultaneously? Well ladies, the answer for you may very well be Polygamy...but without the actual marriage thing…because it's illegal. One handsome, loving, intelligent, sincere, sweet, funny figurehead (let's just say for the sake of example, me) and several beautiful, loving, intelligent, dedicated women. One's a lawyer working for a major firm and wants to start a family. Another wants to be a housewife and raise children…even if they're not her own. A third is a pediatrician who hasn't found the right guy…but still wants to be part of a loving family. Grade school teachers, cigarette lobbyist, congresswoman, supermodel, professional basketball playette, architect, artist, auto mechanichick, it could be like a Utopian society…without the whole Jonestown vibe (By the way, "Stephen King's The Mist" is pretty wicked…but rated R. Don't take the kids.) Anyway, I may have already said too much. For more information, drop me a comment or something.

Oh wait, one more thing on that, Polygyny (one woman with many husbands) wouldn't work…because guys are too much like monkeys. Sorry…but it's true. We'd try to bash each other's heads in…and we usually think of children as side effects of a night of debauchery. That's why.

I also reviewed my camcorder tape to see what exactly was on the first 18 minutes of it (because I hadn't used it in a while) and we pleasantly surprised to find it had video from my brother's wedding last March…and my Vegas birthday party in April. Good memories of both events. Slept like a babe again that night.

Day 9 - Civitavecchia / Roma

This involved an early, early morning…but we had a private van (which was really expensive but well worth it so that my grandma could see everything after the busy day of walking involved in Firenze). Our tour guide Paolo took us on an incredible journey through his hometown, the city of Roma, capital of Italia. During the hour plus drive from Civitavecchia (Che-vee-ta-veck-ee-uh) to Roma, Paolo gave us a little history of the area…and answered silly questions from Pat. Poor guy…but he was getting paid, so he dealt with it (by driving incredibly fast). Our first stop was St. Paul's Cathedral, second largest church in Roma (behind St. Peter's, largest church in the WORLD). Here are some pictures.

Lots of these roses in the cathedral's garden

Then we stopped at the Coliseum and took an hour or so to walk about (actually about fifteen minutes after the slow, gingerly walk with my grandma…but I had seen it before…and she enjoyed it). By the way, gladiators were more like wrestlers (complete with fake blood and blunt swords, etc.) than slaves dueling to the death, as it was explained to us by Paolo. For more information on the Coliseum, watch "Gladiator" or just check out the links. I provide pictures…and a dream of televised deathmatches. By the way, you may notice the picture quality dropping for the rest of this day...because my new camera's battery died at St. Paul's so these are with my camcorder camera. Not nearly the same quality...but still okay. Don't worry, it was thoroughly charged for the rest of the trip.

Arch of Constantine

Ruins next to Arch & Coliseum

Paolo then took us to the Circus Maximus, where the Ben Hur-esque chariot races were held and many competitive games as well. Now, it's just a dusty jogging trail bowl surrounded by some remains of ancient walls but like the Coliseum, with some imagination, you can picture the city of Rome in its heyday…covered in white marble, gold, and jewels…people walking around in bed sheets…massive citywide orgies on a bed of grapes…truly our modern-day civilizations could learn a thing or two from the Romans…and not just running water and democracy.

"La Bocca della Verita (The Mouth of Truth)"

Briefly used as a lie detector in the 17th century

Roman Judicial System. Put your hand in and

of it bites it off, then you're guilty. It proved invalid.

Temple honoring Hercules

Next stop was the Forum, formerly the center of ancient Roma…and now adjoining to a city Piazza del Campidoglio, designed by Michelangelo (How many times mentioned so far this blog entry?). Here are pictures…and if you'd like to know more information about Michelangelo…ask JL Clyde. She did a huge report on him…and can tell you some interesting things. Be sure to mention to her that you prefer American football too. She's a HUGE Patriots fan.

There's a legend about the Fountain of Trevi, that if you throw a coin into the fountain with your right hand…over your left shoulder…that you will return to the city of Roma. Back in 1999, I threw a coin (back then in Lira currency) into the fountain…hoping to return one day. This was that day…and this time, I threw in a Euro coin…which was worth MUCH more than the Lira coin back then…so maybe next time I'll come back a much richer man as well…and bring my friends along with me…but only the cool kids that leave me comments…because that's how I roll (and shamelessly ask for comments…and check to see if anybody actually reads this stuff).

Then Paolo took us to one of his favorite intricacies of Roma. He took us up to the top of the most prestigious of the seven hills (Palatine?) that Roma is built upon…and told us to look into a keyhole on a massive door to one of the many estates. I half-expected to be poked in the eye when I looked in…but instead, I was treated to this view…

It's the dome of St. Peter's Basilica

but more on that later...

Next stop was Piazza Navona, where there were a few fountains, cool buildings, and a LOT of artists selling their works/souls for a few dozen Euro (hundreds of American dollars).

Then we made a quick drive by the Spanish Steps (oddly named because they were built using French money…but apparently Italians think that French people suck too) so only a driveby shot for new pictures…but I do have a few from 1999 complete with pictures from inside the church on top the hill, the Trinita Church. By the way, it's called the Spanish Steps because the piazza is called Piazza di Spagna or "Spanish Square." Just so I don't start an internet rumor / international incident.

Sorry for the renovation blocking the church...

Here's a 1999 shot

I'm the tall, skinny kid with glasses on the bottom, I think.

In the church, there's this statue of Moses with Horns.

Why? Legend has it that when the Bible was translated

into Italian from Hebrew, the word for "Ray of light" and

"Horn" in Hebrew are very similar. May not be true...

but it's what I've heard. Thought it was cool.

Lunch was at a lovely restaurant called Sor'Eva where they served us…you guessed it…Italian food. Antipasto and a mix of various pastas were enjoyed by all. Then we went to the World's Biggest Church, St. Peter's Basilica…adjacent to the world's smallest country, Vatican City. Here are some pictures. Oh yeah…and a LOT of the marble used to make the Basilica and the Vatican…were from the Coliseum, Forum, and other ancient Roman buildings…so, in case you were wondering. It's extremely hard to get a photo that puts the size of this place in perspective unless it's taken from a satellite in space. Check Google Earth or whatever. I also made the mistake of leaving the two old ladies (on their request) only to find out an hour later that Pat had lost my grandmother…so we spent an hour-and-a-half looking for a sweet old lady in the world's biggest church. Trust me, it's even harder than it sounds. Pat said, "Ha ha, this'll be a funny story looking back." It still isn't. Reason I didn't kill her - Not exactly sure…but she should watch her back. By the way, remind me to tell you about my Pope story one of these days...not of an interaction with the Pope...but my story about a fictitious Pope, Stephano X (next Stephano really would be the tenth, I checked).

Moses stars in the new Biblical musical

"Let My People A Go-Go!!!"

"Holy Kancho, Batman!!!"

Pope Kancho IV

Pope Benedict XVI was giving a

speech the next day. Seating for 300,000.

These guys may look like Italian clowns...

but they're actually the Elite of Elite Swiss Guards

that protect the Pope...like God's Secret Service

Outfits designed by Michelangelo

Also, in 1999, I saw the Pantheon...but we didn't have time to check it out this time. Here are some pictures though. It's a great place and has been around for a long, long time. It's not the best picture...but that's why I throw the links in. You should check some of them out. There's also a restaurant in the piazza that has incredible Chicken Carbonara. Just FYI...

Because we spent so much time trying to find my grandma, Paolo drove us back to the boat with lightning quickness. Dinner on the boat included beef & veal (aka delicious tortured baby calf) tortelacci, cornbreaded tilapia with vegetable ratatouille, and chocolate cake. Mmm mmm mmm. Also, I was wearing my Spurs shirt this day (because they rock hard international style) and all the staff from the Caribbean found me and told me how much they love the Spurs too. Why? Probably because Tim Duncan is from St. Croix in the Virgin Islands and these guys were from Jamaica, Barbados, St. Thomas, Curacao, and other islands. Oh yeah…and people like winners. This year, they're going for the ring on the thumb…and well on their way.

Anyway, that's enough for today. Entirely too much work to do…and I just took you on a epic journey through two of the greatest cities in the world. I am but one man…with a hobby of blogging. Stay tuned next time for rest of the cruise…and have a great Saturday evening!!! Arrivederci...