Wednesday, April 30, 2008

I Need A Sex Tape

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Watched some more great basketball games last night…and the San Antonio Spurs have moved on to the next round to face the New Orleans Hornets. They're still obviously my pick to win it all…because they play basketball smart, have been together for a LONG time (especially by NBA standards), and just have talented role players from top to bottom…and three of the best in the game - Timmy Duncan, Manu Ginobili, and Mr. Eva Longoria himself, Tony Parker. VIVA PARKER!!! Oh yeah, during commercials I flipped back & forth between the game & "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" on FX again. I just like that movie. Funny, sexy, action-packed, Angelina, secret agents, even Vince Vaughn in small doses. Great flick. Anyway, not much else other than we have somebody from corporate visiting (my Boss Lady's Boss' Boss' Boss) and we get fed this afternoon. Oh…and I'm in my suit…with a new dress shirt. So fresh, so clean. My mom's coming into town for dinner tonight…but being my mom, she has no idea when or where…just that she's coming. Love ya, mom!!! Now for some news...

Voodoo Child Sex Tape - Vivid Entertainment (who I'm told is some sort of adult entertainment movie company…that I swear I've never heard of or am familiar with any of their stars) says that they have obtained…and therefore will soon be releasing another celebrity sex tape…and this one is Jimi Hendrix from forty years ago. I know!!! I was surprised that VH1 was going "Behind the Music" back in the sixties…but apparently they've been around for while. The 11 minutes of footage, reportedly shot in a hotel room about 40 years ago, allegedly features Hendrix engaged in various sexual acts with two women (That's it? Must have been a slow night). Vivid said they consulted with experts to authenticate the footage but Charles R. Cross, author of the Hendrix biography "Room Full of Mirrors," has seen the film and doubts the man is Hendrix. "This is somebody that looks like Jimi or is pretending to look like him, but it certainly didn't look like a dead-on match to me." Seattle-based representatives for Hendrix's estate declined to comment about the tape. As many of you already know, Jimi's been gone since 1970 due to the rock & roll lifestyle…and overdosing on it…but the reason I mention this stuff is just because it's good to hear him in the news once in a while. Even if it's an adult film company trying to make bank on his name…and probably will whether it's really him getting a Brazilian Snowcone or not. The point is…when you become a celebrity…and this goes for all of you out there…release a sex tape…but make sure that it's done professionally…and that you get the money in advance. That's just another entrepreneurial tip from a man who's just waiting to become a celebrity…and find a costar or two…because honestly, WWJD - What Would Jimi Do?

Monkey See, Monkey Do Do - I rag on Hogle Zoo here in Slick City a lot…because I've seen others. However, some interesting recent news out of there as doctors performed eye surgery on Eli, a 10-year-old howler monkey with a Biblical name. The zoo was first tipped to the bad eyesight by steadily increasing patron comments on Eli's poor marksmanship with his feces tossing. He can't follow an eye chart, of course, but Eli's caretakers believe he can see better for the first time in years. Doctors removed cataracts from Eli's eyes Monday and replaced his natural lenses with acrylic ones designed for children and should last for the rest of his life. Within an hour, veterinarian Nicole MacLaren says the monkey was "running around and acting like he can see." No word yet on whether or not this monkey will be the super advanced monkey that leads to the downfall of the human race…but I'll be sure to keep you posted…or at least try to get a picture of him next time I got to the zoo. Congratulations to Eli and the talented team of doctors that performed the procedure.

North Carolina Connection - As mentioned yesterday, the NBA's Charlotte Bobcats (most famous for being owned by the President of BET and part-owned by North Carolina alumni Michael Jordan) announced that they had hired North Carolina alum Larry Brown as their new head coach…to go along with assistant coaches Phil Ford (North Carolina) and Dennis Williams (South Carolina, just to be different). It's believe that Brown will help to maximize the potential of the team's young talent, including former UNC players Raymond Felton & Sean May) and experienced veterans like Jeff McInnis…of where else? UNC. Larry Brown was an Olympic caliber basketball player when he played at UNC in the 60's, then signed on to coach at Davidson (in North Carolina) only to quit before coaching a game to coach…the ABA's Carolina Cougars. Yeah, from there he basically stayed a few years with eight other NBA teams, coached college at UCLA and Kansas, and is now with his 9th NBA team…where he may stay for a few years…but I can understand because his mama lives in North Carolina.

The moral of the story: Go to North Carolina!!! Sure, you may have to wear baby powder blue clothing to show your affiliation…but you're basically guaranteed a job with the Charlotte Bobcats…which is the NBA's version of a fraternity. Okay, not really…but still, it's kinda funny, right? No? Alright, well…just a prediction…but watch the Bobcats during the draft this June…and see who they pick. They would have certainly taken NCAA Player of the Year Tyler Hansborough if he dropped to the 8th pick in the draft…but he decided to stay for his senior year (for some reason). However, there's still guards Ty Lawson, Wayne Ellington, & forward Danny Green…at least in the second round. Only time will tell...

Grand Theft Auto IV - My brother sent me a text message last night that said simply "Get It!!!" Bro, you know I've been trying…but I guess I'm just too picky…or too much of a prude or something. Of course, he wasn't taking about me getting IT…but rather the video game "Grand Theft Auto IV" which was released on the PS3 yesterday…and it made hella bank. According to a semi-reliable source (my brother), the game is "pretty f**king awesome." I told him to sell me on one text message…and he responded with "Bob Marley has his own radio station, darts & bowling using six axis, strip clubs & f**kin', great graphics, a lot of changes in controls, & bad ass cars." Not sure on his list of priorities…or what they really have to do with the game about an Eastern European immigrant who runs drugs, shoots cops and beats up prostitutes after falling in with a crime syndicate…but it could be a lot of fun. Here's the real question though, will I buy it? Possibly. Certainly not based on his award-winning sales pitch…because I already have a dart board, Bob Marley CDs, bad ass cars, lasik surgery that leads to great graphics, and strip clubs within walking distance. However, it's a lot of fun sometimes to just take up a bunch of guns, grenades, and prostitutes…and just go on an all-night shoot-em-up bender, blasting helicopters, SWAT teams, and innocent bystanders after a long day at work…and it'd be a lot safer for me if I were to do that on television rather than going out Scarface-style on State Street. Time will tell.

That'll do it for today. Mom's visiting, Filly has a play, JL Clyde's friend's band has a concert, Boss Lady's Boss' Boss' Boss is here, I'm lookin' supadupa fly. Should be a good day…despite the cloudy weather. Have a great day everybody!!! Feel free to gimme your opinion on the Jimi video…or anything else really.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

$teve Bumps Hard

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Lots of great basketball action going on last night as the Lakers swept the Nuggets, Magic won their series against the Raptors (basketball players, not dinosaurs, or birds of prey), and the Hawks tied up their series with the Celtics. More great basketball going on tonight if anybody is interested…but you're probably not…otherwise you'd be checking out about Larry Brown becoming the next coach of the Charlotte Bobcats instead of reading this…so I'll move on. Last night, Brooklyn, the Mad Scientist, & I were going to have an impromptu Movie Night…but that fell out…so we're probably going to reschedule for later in the week. It's been a while since we had one. Other than that, I went for a few jogs and a walk around sunset, talked to Bubbles about her adventures with a six-year old (learning different sounds of "U"), and watched basketball. No new embarrassing interview stories to share or anything like that…yet. The day is young though.

Colbert Bump Theory - Fellow $teve, adamant blog reader, & host of "The Colbert Report" Stephen Colbert hosted both Democratic Presidential frontrunners Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton while filming in Philadelphia last week. Why would both agree to be on this cable satirical news program? Because they want the Bump. Oh yeah…of course ladies like Mrs. Clinton ALWAYS long for the Bump from a $teve…but this is a different Bump, the Colbert Bump (patent pending). Colbert first coined the eponymous term on his show after John Hall won in a close election to become a representative from New York in 2006 after an appearance on the "Report." Hall defeated incumbent Sue Kelly, who had declined to make an appearance on the show. Colbert himself commented on this after the election: "And how did he beat Kelly? According to the American Prospect, quote, 'Her refusal to appear on cable's popular "The Colbert Report" may have also proved somewhat costly.'," Colbert reported, adding, "Somewhat? All what. She could've gotten the 'Colbert bump,' instead she got the 'Colbert dump.'" Now, they've apparently ran studies to see if "The Colbert Bump" is real…or just pompous fufa from another fast-talkin' $teve. Long story short, the results show some interesting trends supporting the Bump. However…as with all Bumps…there's not a scientific explanation to why they're so good. They just are…and must be felt. Anyway, the link has some data and blah blah blah if you're interested. I was…but I'm a nerd…who likes to Bump.

You're Welcome? - In Bentonville, Arkansas (Wal-Mart country), an inmate awaiting trial on a murder charge is suing the county, complaining he has lost more than 100 pounds because of the jailhouse menu. Broderick Lloyd Laswell says he isn't happy that he's down to 308 pounds after eight months in the Benton County jail. He has filed a federal lawsuit complaining the jail doesn't provide inmates with enough food. According to the suit, Laswell weighed 413 pounds when he was jailed in September. Police say he and a co-defendant fatally beat and stabbed a man, then set his home on fire. In his complaint, "On several occasions I have started to do some exercising and my vision went blurry and I felt like I was going to pass out. About an hour after each meal my stomach starts to hurt and growl. I feel hungry again." Dude, you killed somebody and set their house on fire. Then you get three square meals a day…instead of six…and you've lost a hundred pounds almost making you an above average sized man instead of "That's no moon" status. Oh...and that blurriness is called Life, I think. Now, I'm all for Prisoner's Rights…and innocent until proven guilty and all that…but shut the f**k up and enjoy the fact that you're being fed. You allegedly beat somebody to death…and set his house on fire…and you're made because you can't have extra gravy on your taters? It's really hard for me to give a damn…so I won't. Sorry. Hope your trial goes well and justice is served…cold.

Double Aces - Ted Kemp, a 12-handicap golfer from Muscatine, Iowa knocked in two hole-in-ones on back-to-back Par 3 holes at the Muscatine Municipal Golf Course. Kemp says the feat was more luck than skill, calling it "pretty unreal." He finished the day with score of 78…and one hell of a bar tab, I'm sure. A study by Golf Digest in 2000 said that the odds of getting two holes-in-one in the same round is 67 million to one. What does that mean? Basically, not much. If everybody tried, then a hundred people would do it with those odds. I love statistics. You can prove anything. ANY THING!!! "Babe, you're one in a million." "Oh, so there's 400 just like me in the continental U.S.?" "Yes. At least. That's exactly what I was saying." I'm such a charmer. That's why the ladies love me, I guess. Anyway, congratulations to Mr. Kemp. I never understood why the guy that hit the hole-in-one had to buy drinks for everybody though. "Screw that!!! I'm the one that did the astounding feat. You guys should pitch in to get me hammered for Cinco de Mayo or something."

Anyway, that's really about it for today. Lilie & I are just gonna hang out here at work, I guess. Tonight, probably more basketball…then going to be early to work early again. Good times. Really excited about Vegas though. Oh yeah, Bubbles talked with the HR manager I spoke with and explained the inside jokes in detail. She still thinks I'm "weird" but whatever. At least she knows ahead of time. I love America. We can sue anybody we want under any circumstances, we always find great ways to get other people drunk during sporting events, we're free to move about and make our own mistakes...then sue when it doesn't go our way, but the best thing about that she always puts out when you really really need it. Have a great night everybody!!! I don't even have to ask. I know it was good for you too. It's the Magic...of the Bump.

Monday, April 28, 2008

It's a Good Thing I'm Charming

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday was an extremely lazy day…but it was good because I wasn't feeling too well. I also got a lot of belated birthday wishes from the Wingmans, Camb, Brooklyn, and basically everybody else who I didn't hang out with on Saturday. I basically watched a LOT of NBA playoff basketball and some pretty good games…but the best & worst part came midday. I was texting Bubbles, who lives in Vegas and is eagerly anticipating my move when/if it occurs. She was feeling pretty bad during my birthday, so I was checking to make sure that she was okay and feeling better…because that's what I do. Anyway, shortly after sending her a text message, my phone rings…and I notice that it's a call from Vegas. Awesome, Bubbles is calling to talk in person. Now, a little back-story. Because we're cool cats who call each other in a workplace environment a lot, we tend to use our very proper, overly kind, high-pitched phone voices when we call each other at work (otherwise our sultry voices sound like we're trying to undress you over the phone…and that gets awkward at work). Also, we both liked "Cable Guy" starring Jim Carrey…and particularly the scene where he sings "The Girl from Ipanema" for hold music. I know, we're dorks…but we're sexy...and that's the back-story. So in comes the call.

$teve: "What's up?"
Female Voice: "Good afternoon, is this Mr. $teve?"
$teve: "Just a moment please. Na da dada dada dadadada… (that's my hold music) Hello?"
Female Voice: "Ugh…hello? Mr. $teve?"
$teve: "Yes? Is this…Bubbles?"
Female Voice: "Ugh…no. This is (HR director) from (future employer in Vegas). I'm sorry…was that…you doing the hold music?"
$teve: "OH!!! Ugh…yes, that was me. I apologize. I thought that you were my friend calling from Vegas. We have these inside jokes and…my apologies. I…really wasn't expecting a call…such as yours on a Sunday afternoon."
Female Voice: "Oh that's okay. It was just…weird."
$teve: "I can understand that. Anyway, how can I be of assistance?"

So this was how my first interview for the position in Vegas started. After that, it was pretty standard. They asked me why I'd be good for the company and what I was expecting from the position and what kind of schedule I was interested in and all the usual stuff. I think that I did fairly well for being caught off-guard…and being the world's biggest dumbass for the first thirty seconds. To be honest though, she's the one that called me on a Sunday afternoon though. Anyway, after that, I had to call Bubbles to let her know…and it made her day. As it did for the Wingmans, JL Clyde, Ashley, and my mom…who all called within the hour when I was thinking to myself, "Holy crap! They're not going to call back. She probably thinks I'm retarded or something. Oh well. Her loss." So yeah, I'll keep you posted on progress with that.

This morning at work was quite hectic, because we were moving into our new building and getting the computer set up and getting coworkers use to the new surroundings. Busy busy busy…but we got it handled. Other than that, not much going on really. Get off around five today…and I'm going to have some fun…or at least watch some great basketball. I love the first round of the playoffs. GO SPURS!!! Also, happy birthday to my now 14-year old cousins K & T. I still remember babysitting you little brats…but now you're growing up into big brat squeally teenagers. Too bad. Anyway, here's a quiz things that I was sent through MySpace by one of my favorite felons and party throwers, Bren.


1. Who was your FIRST prom date?
Rebekah - We were on the Academic Olympiad team together. The cork went unpopped.

2. Do you still talk to your FIRST love?
Haven't heard from her in over a year now

3. What was your FIRST alcoholic drink?
My dad let me sip his beer when I was three years old…and I spit it back all over him. "YUCKY!!!" Didn't drink again until I was 18. Free lesson for all you parents out there. No need to thank me, just pay it forward.

4. What was your FIRST job?
Dishwasher at Freeway CafĂ© in Ogden - Lasted four days…then I quit

5. What was your FIRST car?
Firecracker red '85 Chevrolet Camaro with 2.8L V6 5-speed engine - Her name is Carmen

6. Who was the FIRST person to text you today?
Ashley, my sister-in-law sending me a racist joke. Just kiddin', she was reminding me that it was K & T's birthdays, like I forgot or something.

7. Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning?
It doesn't matter. She wasn't really there.

8. Who was your FIRST grade teacher?
Mrs. V - She only taught for two years…but her husband was my Calculus teacher a decade later…and he creeped me out by showing me my 1st grade picture (complete with black & yellow striped dress shirt…love the 80's) when I was a senior in high school. "Where the hell did you get that?" "Who was your 1st grade teacher?" "Mrs. V…you're bangin' Mrs. V???" "I would hope so. She's my wife." Yeah, I'm an idiot. They had the same last name…but it never clicked until that point.

9. Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane?
DISNEYLAND!!! We won a sweepstakes thing at Mervyn's and we had a talking car and everything. It was awesome.

10. Who was your FIRST best friend and are you still friends?
A neighbor kid named Steve when I lived in Ogden…but I haven't seen him since we moved away twenty years ago.

11. What was your FIRST sport played?
I was a soccer goalie…and the best…but then I moved to basketball…and am still the best.

12. Where was your FIRST sleep over?
Hell if I remember. Probably at Isaihia's a long, long time ago.

13. Who was the FIRST person you talked to today?
Myself - I know, it's schizo…but it gets me ready for the day. Deal with it.

14. Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time?
I was the ring bearer in my Aunt Marie's wedding. I think I was six.

15. What was the FIRST thing you did this morning?
Your mom…and then I peed.

16. What was the FIRST concert you ever went to?
The first one I remember going to was Billy Joel

17. FIRST tattoo or piercing?

18. FIRST foreign country you went to?
We did a road trip when I was about eight that took us briefly through Calgary. Don't recall much. After that, it was my 5-week European vacation when I was eighteen.

19. What was your FIRST run in with the law?
My first car was a Camaro. I got speeding tickets for being parked. F**k the police!!!

20. When was your FIRST detention?
About 5th or 6th grade, we got a new principal…who had Reese's Peanut Butter Cups on his desk…so I made it my purpose to be sent there every just about every day (but always after my school work was done). After a while, he asked me straight up, "Do you just get in trouble to get some peanut butter cups?" "Yeah…and it's kinda fun." "Well, tell you what. If you wanna just come in and say howdy or something, instead of getting in trouble. Feel free to stop by & have a peanut butter cup. Then you won't have to stand up in class and tell your teacher to shut up to get sent here." "Okay. Sounds good."

21. What was the FIRST state you lived in?

22. Who was the FIRST person to break your heart?
My dad - "You know E.T. isn't real, right?"

23. Who was your FIRST roommate?
Jamie, a military brat from Ras Tanuri. Though it sounds like a bad ass Jamaican hideout…it's actually in Saudi Arabia. He was cool…but moved out a few months later…and was replaced by Hung Nhut Nguyen (not joking, the kid's name was Hung Nhut) a Korean student who made the most delicious and smelly dinner.

24. Where did you go on your FIRST limo ride?
The Ritz-Carlton, Central Park hooked me up with a ride to the airport. I was twenty-two, I think.

25. Who will be the FIRST to repost this?
I have no idea…but only the cool cats will leave comments.

That'll do it. Big thanks to Cat for bringing me in a birthday cake today at work!!! I'd show you a picture...but I don't have my camera handy...and it's already half eaten. It was a Pixar's "Cars" theme with $teve "Lightning" McQueen on it. Ch-kow!!! Ch-kow!!! Have a great day everybody!!!

Sunday, April 27, 2008

27 Guesses

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, let's see. Friday, after posting, I went to my dad's to hang out and watch movies. When I showed up, his face looked a little bruised. "Did she beat you? Do you need me to take care of business?" "No no, I have some kind of sinus infection or something. The doctor's gave me antibiotics...but we're not going to be able to take you out to dinner tonight. Your stepmom's sick. I hope you don't mind." "Not at all, dude. Your guy's health is more important than T.G.I. Friday's Jalapeno Poppers...but it's close." So yeah, my birthday dinner will be next Friday...which is cool because we were going to go see the matinee of "Iron Man" anyway. Everything happens for a reason...and they're feeling much better now, which is what's important.

My dad & I watched "Stephen King's The Mist" which I had seen before...and I think that I've told you before that it's a really well done movie (director of "Green Mile" & "Shawshank Redemption") but a few situations in the movie...and especially the horrible ending will probably make you hate this movie. My suggestion: Watch it...get into it and take advantage of the great anticipation, fear of the unknown dangers, steadily growing danger from within with the Jonestown Syndrome thing going on in the store...and then stop the movie at about one hour and 45 minutes in. The last ten minutes or so...will just make you hate this movie...and I heard somewhere that Stephen King didn't like it at all...because it was his story...and he didn't really write an ending to it...but Hollywood needs an ending. Anyway, I say give it a shot if you're into semi-gory, thrilling horror movies. If not, watch one of those "From the Guys Who Brought You 40-Year Old Virgin" movies. There are plenty to choose from.

After that, we watched "Cloverfield" and I was told time & time again...that the movie was okay...but it's basically a mix of "The Blair Witch Project" and "Godzilla" and shouldn't bother...but for the price of a rental (that my dad handled), I thought that it was worth a shot. My review: It was much better than I was expecting...but yeah, it's "Blair Witch" meets "Godzilla" and you'll pray that the cameraman gets killed very early into the movie...but then, who would film all this stuff? It's actually pretty good...but there's obviously a few points where your reaction to the stuff being videotaped is "Why would they be taping this?" but it's to give a backstory and all that fun stuff that's apparently required for a motion picture...allegedly. My dad & I through both of these movies kept yelling stuff at the screen like "Why are you standing there staring at the monsters? RUN!!! RUN!!! They're going to eat you...just like the guy you're watching them eat." or "You hear a noise? RUN!!! Get above ground. Where there's light...and that you can see them coming." or "Grab the axe!!! Use it!!!" We think a lot alike. We would probably do okay if in a horror movie situation...but then it wouldn't be as exciting...or it wouldn't be a blockbuster. Anyway, "Cloverfield" is pretty good...but you've seen it before...with dubbing...and a few scenes are taken directly from "Blair Witch Project." "I am so scared right now" with the snot dripping. Yeah, I hate to laugh at other people's suffering...but it was just so funny to me.

After the movies, we watched some basketball...and my dad asked me occasionally about players that he had never seen before...because he knows that I'm an encyclopedia or useless basketball knowledge, strategy, and player profiles. I enjoy it...and Hubie Brown and some of the other former professionals turned commentators agree with stuff that I say...but a few minutes after I tell my dad. It always amuses him...and me too. Anyway, before I knew it, eleven o'clock rolled around so I went home.

Yesterday was my 27th birthday...and the plan was to have my mom show up around 9 AM so that we could hang out, then my brother & his family would show up a little later, then we'd go to the zoo or something. Well, as it turned out, my mom & brother's family showed up between noon & 1:30, and it was too cold allegedly for the zoo, so we went to Chuck E. Cheese. That's right, I had my 27th birthday party at the residence of Charles Edward Cheese, jr. It was awesome...and it had been about twenty years since I had seen one. It was a good time...and the kids (Vinny, Kairi, Kelaudri, and my 12 year old cousin Alicia) had fun. Here are the pictures.

Here are the kids playing with RoboPanda
I still think it's creepy...but Kelaudri loves it
My mom, Ashley, and my end table...with Panda
and Gort do you think you turn him on?
My new haircut, Vinny, and my mom
Kairi & Quagmire
"Where are you going, sweetie?"
I kid you not, she reached out to touch
Bettie Page's ass...and said, "Nice!"
I almost crapped myself it was so funny.
"Yes it is, sweetie. Yes it is."
Is it just me...or does Chuck look stoned?
Hey, they're $7 an hour
I remember these guys...
Kairi loved the animatronic characters
Mom & a wide-eyed Vinny
Clowns are just creepy...
Fatherhood - "If you push the boost button behind a car,
you can jump right over them. Zoom zoom zoom!!!"
Skee Ball kicks ass...
...but punching ducks is so much more satisfying.
Best deal at Chuck E. Cheese!!!
These pictures are a quarter
Here's my brother & sister-in-law
Kairi, Alicia, and Kelaudri
Me, my mom, & Vinny
Apparently my mother was confused...
and really looks the part in this picture

After Chuck's, we were all pretty we went back to my place so that everybody could sleep in my bed or relax on the couch...and apparently let kids run around with cake. Yeah, I'm cleaning up around my apartment this morning...and finding little surprises everywhere. It's groovy. "Oh look, dirty diapers in my trash. Yummy." Oh well. I'll consider it a birthday present from the kids. While resting there, my buddies Bartles & Jaymes invited us to a housewarming barbecue in Brigham we made arrangements for me to get out there...and get driving back by my stepdad (because he was coming in today for a model tank convention anyway). so I went there. Good times. They have a nice crib out there...and being a dairy farmer, there was plenty of meat on the barbecue. My sister-in-law showed off their wedding photos...and if I get a copy of them eventually, I'll have to show you some of them. It was a beautiful wedding...and I look pretty fly in a suit. I can't lie. Plus I had the facial hair, all my brothers were there, I was the Best man, it was a good one...and just before I started blogging. So yeah, maybe someday I'll scan a copy of those and share them. I'm sure they won't mind...since they show everybody they get a chance to.

This morning, after sleeping on my brother's couch, my mom woke me up with a phone call: "So...did you guys arrange for a way for you to get home?" "Ugh...yeah, Lavar's coming to pick me up. Remember?" "Oh, I thought you guys had made other arrangements." " Because we decided that Lavar was going there that's why I came to town." Sometimes I think my mom has a little bit of the Alzheimer's or something...because she tends to forget things...but it's okay, because I love her...and I'm there to help her out. So my stepdad came & gave me a ride back to Slick City...but dropped me off downtown, so I took Trax for the first time...and it was pretty cool. Speaking of which, the Frontrunner train from Ogden to Slick City started yesterday...on my birthday. Awesome. It's about time they finally had some kind of real public transportation here...but it's just in time for me to move to Vegas. Better late then never, I guess.

I wasn't feeling well this morning...because my brother's place is kinda messy, especially on his I'm hoping to get the day off work...and the supercool Camb is helping me out with that...but we shall see. Since I got home, I showered, and drank a lot of OJ to get over it...but yeah, I'd rather not work today. Not because I got drunk or anything yesterday (not a drop actually) but's my birthday weekend...and I wanna relax...before I get a little sick for working during the week, when they probably need me there.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Hopefully I'll be more entertaining tomorrow...but I'd like to thank all the cool cats who wished me a happy birthday yesterday - Bubbles, Cat, Alisa, Mickey, Heater, J-Dub, Lilie, JL Clyde, and all the others!!! Thank you so much!!! You guys rock...and I hope that your weekends were even more entertaining than mine. Have a groovy Sunday!!! GO EAGLES!!! Great pick with DeSean Jackson!!! I knew you were going to draft him...but luckily a round later than I expected. WOOOOO!!!

Friday, April 25, 2008

Birthday Eve

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

First off, a very happy birthday to Alfredo James Pacino today as he turns 68. He's one of greatest actors of all time...and the list of movies include "The Godfather" trilogy, "Scarface", "Scent of a Woman", "Dog Day Afternoon", "Serpico", "Heat", "Carlito's Way", "Insomnia", "Any Given Sunday", "Devil's Advocate", "Donnie Brasco", "Ocean's 13", even "Dick Tracy" as Big Boy. His newest "Righteous Kill" comes out soon, costarring Robert DeNiro & 50 Cent. Should be another classic. Anyway, have a great birthday buddy!!! I hope they don't make you work 18 hours today filming that Salvador Dali biopic.

Last night, I watched Guy Ritchie's latest movie (director of "Lock, Stock, & Two Smokin' Barrels", "Snatch", etc.) called "Revolver" starring Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, Andre Benjamin (Dre 3000 from Outkast) and others. It's about a former con man (Statham) who spent 7 years in jail for taking the fall...and is now looking to get paid. That's about all that I'm going to tell you at this point...because from there, it gets really awkward at times...but I would definitely recommend it, especially if you like Guy Ritchie (Mr. Madonna) movies.

Test Tube Meat - See what I miss when I'm too busy at work? Stories like these BEG me to make fun of them. The animal rights group PETA is putting up a million dollar reward for anyone who by 2012 can grow in-vitro meat that looks and tastes like the real thing. "In-vitro meat production would use animal stem cells that would be placed in a medium to grow and reproduce. The result would mimic flesh and could be cooked and eaten," PETA said in a statement. The million-dollar reward will go to the participant who manages by 2012 to put test-tube chicken into commercial production and successful sell it in at least 10 US states at a competitive price. The New York Times revealed Monday that the scheme almost triggered a civil war within the headquarters of the organization dedicated to fighting for animal rights but PETA argued the move would help avoid unnecessary suffering. "More than 40 billion chickens, fish, pigs, and cows are killed every year for food in the United States in horrific ways. In-vitro meat would spare animals from this suffering. In addition, in-vitro meat would dramatically reduce the devastating effects the meat industry has on the environment. Humans don't need to eat meat at all" since many people continued "to refuse to kick their meat addictions, PETA is willing to help them gain access to flesh that doesn't cause suffering and death."

Okay, so PETA's giving approval for stem cell research…as long as it's using animal stem cells. Aren't they some of the advocates for stopping stem cell research on humans? Actually, probably not…because humans aren't that important to them, right? Sorry, I'm not too familiar with PETA. Maybe somebody can shed some light for me. Too lazy to go to their website…and I don't want the government following me more than they already do. (Shhhhh, they're listening) Anyway, how do you make meat…without making the animal? Really? Is it going to be like the episode of South Park I saw the other day, where they grow ears (and other appendages) on the backs of rats…but instead of cartilage, it'll be a T-bone? I guess that's literally the million-dollar question. I like the idea of a PETA civil war over this though. "Now we're talking about growing test tube steaks? I thought we were trying to turn the world vegetarian." "No, don't you see? If they're in a test tube, they won't feel pain…and we'll be distracting scientists from finding cures for diseases…and instead finding an other other OTHER white meat." "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." "Oh yeah, well I've got a test tube steak for ya right here, granola boy!!!" Slap fight ensues. $teve laughs at the thought. Hahaha!!! Besides, I'm a big fan of stem cells, as you may know from my occasion updates in the world of science…such as they can now turn stem cells into heart cells. Yay scientists!!!

Penis Theft in the Congo - I couldn't make this sh*t up if I wanted to. Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft. Reports of so-called penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread, and where ritual killings to obtain blood or body parts still occur. Purported victims, 14 of whom were also detained by police, claimed that sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear, in what some residents said was an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure. Police arrested the accused sorcerers and their victims in an effort to avoid the sort of bloodshed seen in Ghana a decade ago, when 12 suspected penis snatchers were beaten to death by angry mobs. The 27 men have since been released.

Holy crap!!! So much disturbing information to take in those few sentences. Mother Afrika, I love ya…but you are one crazy place to live. Sure, here in America we tease little kids with "Oop, got your nose" and they enjoy it…but apparently it's universal that if you even pretend to take away a man's hood, they will lynch you. Even the police chief said, "I'm tempted to say it's one huge joke but when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it's become tiny or that they've become impotent. To that I tell them, 'How do you know if you haven't gone home and tried it?" The Power of Suggestion, ladies & gentlemen. It's an incredible thing. Or maybe there really are mystics in the Congo shrinking heads & shafts and turning silverback gorillas into vicious killing machines…or maybe that was just a movie. Regardless, I'm glad that the police stepped in to save them…for now. Now there are three things that scare me…nuclear war, carnies, and penis theft.

Going Undercover - A police officer was forced to resign on Wednesday for having sex with a prostitute at a building he had been sent to investigate to see if it was a brothel. The police sergeant, who was not named, had "engaged in sexual activity with a sex worker" while on duty in east London in December 2005, the Independent Police Complaints Commission (IPCC) said. He was supposed to be finding out if the premises were being used for prostitution. You know, I'm not an officer of the law…or a lawyer or anything…but I would say, "Mission Accomplished!!!" That's what I call good police work. Going undercover, into enemy territory, infiltrating the trust of the organization, learning all the ins & outs of the operation, obtaining leads into subsidiaries and other markets, gathering evidence to be used in a court of law, and catching the perpetrators red-handed…or I guess, lotion-handed or whatever they were into at the time. All while earning a measly worker's salary and even offering to investigate when he wasn't "on the clock" as they say. Going above and beyond the call of duty. I say good show, sir. I'm sorry that your fellow (jealous) officers don't feel the same way. Oh well, I'm sure they'd hire you on at the brothel as a bouncer or something. Maybe it's a change for the better.

She's a Fox - According to FHM Magazine's annual 100 Sexiest Women in the World poll, star of "Transformers" Megan Fox is the world's sexiest woman. Honestly, I really can't argue with that. She's…absolutely gorgeous…and has those sexy eyes, bangin' smile, rockin' tatas, and…yeah, I'll go with that. I mean…nine million votes can't be wrong, right? Rounding out the top ten on the list were Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Elisha Cuthbert, Scarlett Johannsen, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Hilary Duff (WHAT???), Tricia Helfer, Blake Lively, and Kate Beckinsale. Friends of the blog made the list as well, like Angelina at #12, Adriana Lima was #36, Amanda Beard at #71, and my buddies Lindsay Lohan made the list at #16 & Li'l Shaky at #55, but in the biggest publicist move of all time - Britney Spears at Number 100. Oh...and Milla Jovovich didn't make the list...instead Meg from Family Guy did (Mila Kunis). That's almost as bad as Hilary Duff getting Number 7. Oh well, it's not my list…but yeah, can't argue with Megan Fox on top though…in any situation. She kind of reminds me of somebody…hmm…

"This is a nice V6 engine you've got here."
"You should see my straight 8."

"Do you HAVE to go to work today?"
"F**k that, I just quit."

It's a good thing that she has an extensive library...

Because as mentioned before, I understand "King Lear"

Anyway, that'll do it for me for today…my Birthday Eve. I'm doing some laundry now…but I'm going to hang with my dad & stepmom for the day, have some dinner, then my mom & the rest of the family are coming down tomorrow…so if you don't hear from me, don't worry. I'll just be having fun…and celebrating the 27th anniversary of my birth. Oh yeah, this just in, guess how I'm going to celebrate my birthday. I'm going to Chuck E. Cheese with my nieces and nephew and my family. If any of you want to come along & are going to be in Sandy tomorrow night, let me know. We can get you some tokens or something. Wow, I'm officially three cubed years old now. Awesome. Have a great weekend everybody!!! Call me if you wanna hang out Saturday night!!! I'm sure that the old people and kids will be going home before dark.

Where should I go next?