Friday, June 29, 2007

I'm With Busey

Well, Gary Busey is 63 years young today. Yes, one of the creepiest men in the world survived another year. He seems like a great guy...and I miss his show on Comedy Central "I'm with Busey" but he is just genuinely creepy somehow. Don't get me wrong. Like you, back in the day, I often mistook him for Nick Nolte too. It was about the time that Nick Nolte was voted Sexiest Man on Earth (by WHO???) that I realized they were two separate people (yet still never seen at the same place at the same time). Look to the left & you tell me which is which. It's uncanny I tell you. I've enjoyed his body of work as an actor as well. "Point Break" - classic. "Chasing Ghosts" - great movie with ensemble cast. "Black Sheep" - Hilarious, I still quote him. Did you know that he had Bruce Lee movies on Laserdisc BEFORE everybody else did? "Predator 2", "Lethal Weapon", "The Buddy Holly Story", the list goes on & on. His son Jake is even a pretty accomplished actor...with the same creepy Busey smile when he wants it (see "The Frighteners"). The man also has a slew of acronyms that I feel I must share with you.

FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real - It's the darkroom where Satan develops his negatives.
FAILING - Finding Another Important Lesson, Inviting Needed Growth
SOBER - Son Of a B**ch, Everything's Real!!!
ROMANCE - Relying On Magnificent And Necessary Compatible Energy
Happy Birthday, Mr. Busey!!!

However, you may be asking me, "$teve, you say he's ONE of the creepiest men in the world. So who else do you consider creepy in the film world?" I'm glad you asked. Christopher Walken is hilarious to me...but quite creepy. Willem Dafoe is easily the most frightening Jesus that I've ever seen or could even really imagine ("Last Temptation of Christ" - imagine the Passion directed by Martin Scorsese). He seems better suited to play Satan than a Saint. Having never met these men, I couldn't tell you if they're creepy all the time...or just as a niche for their trade as actors...but until I bump into them at Sundance or 7-11, my feelings will probably remain the same...or even if I meet them, they may just be confirmed.

NFL Europa was ceased operations. After the championship game last week in which the Hamburg Sea Devils won the World Bowl, the league decided to refocus on maximum exposure of the NFL itself instead of this developmental league. I've never been to an NFL game...but one partly cloudy afternoon in Glasgow in 2004, I saw an NFL Europe game featuring the Scottish Claymores & the Amsterdam Admirals. As the game started, William Wallace himself appeared on the big screen & gave a rousing speech to the players & fans. "They may take our lives...but they'll never take...OUR FREEDOM!!!" Apparently the stakes are a little higher in NFL Europe. In a partially filled soccer stadium, I couldn't help but did I get such great tickets for only ten bucks (six pounds)??? It was great. Me & some of the older ladies from the Omaha office (go Cornhuskers) enjoyed us some good American Football on an otherwise rainy shopping day. Former NFL Europe player Dante Hall (now of the Kansas City Chiefs) made an appearance at halftime wearing a kilt (picture at a later date...if I remember). There were cheerleaders & a saucy girl band for entertainment. A great game overall...but now, if I wish to see professional football first-hand in an outdoor environment...I will have to spend several hundred dollars for transportation to Denver, tickets, food & beverage...but at least the hotel will be covered (thanks job).

Anyway, I guess that'll do me for today. Tune in next time (Sunday?) when I'll talk of my exciting weekend at Taylorsville Dayzz & introduce you to my two-ton Baby. Until then...have a great weekend & enjoy your local festivities!!!

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Basketball's Christmas

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

Welcome to the 2007 NBA Draft. Being a huge basketball fan, today is like Christmas for professional basketball...and to a smaller extent, me. With Commissioner David Stern playing the role of Santa Claus, fanatics around the world wonder "Who's my team getting this year? I hope it's somebody cool...or at least a two-guard who can bury 3-pointers on a kick-out." Yes, today is the day...and though only time will tell if the players drafted go on to be superstars, role players, or is their day in the spotlight. So without further's my take on today's draft...and don't worry, I'll skip a lot of the boring picks...and there will be other things in this entry afterwards. So feel free to pan down if you don't like basketball.

1. Portland - Greg Oden - Center from Ohio State - I still say the man looks to be in his mid-thirties...but whatever. There was a lot of speculation about taking him or Kevin Durrant (more later) with the first pick...but you can't teach size...and this kid (because he's 19) has a lot of it. He's seven-foot & 130 kilograms, so he's a large guy...and just to show how knit-picky scouts are...they made a big deal about one of his legs being an inch longer & how that's going to mess up his back. I'm sure he'll at least be a good center. Worst-case, he's another Sam Bowie who had chronic back problems during his 10-year career...which was the pick the last time Portland was in this situation...but it's a good pick. Period. They also drafted a lanky Duke forward named Josh McRoberts (#37) just in case. They also got the point guard for the team that beat him in the NCAA championship, Florida's Taurean Green (#52) & traded to get Steve Francis. Remember "The Franchise"?

2. Seattle - Kevin Durrant - Forward from Texas - This guy seems like another LeBron-like 18-year old prodigy...and seems like a nice guy in the interviews & stuff. The only reason he wasn't #1 was because he's not a center...and again, you can't teach big. Seattle is going to like this kid...even when they move to Las Vegas or wherever in the next year or so. I don't know why they traded to get Jeff Green (#5 pick from Boston) when they play the same position...but whatever. I'll let the coach figure that one out.

3. Atlanta - Al Horford - Forward from Florida - Another big guy from two-time champion Florida that's ready to start...and will probably have to because this franchise is HORRIBLE and has been since Dominique Wilkins left. There, I said it. I like what they did picking up Al and a point guard with the #11 pick Acie Law IV (great-uncle to Ernie Banks). They may be on the right track. Time will tell.

4. Memphis - Mike Conley, jr. - Guard from Ohio State - Great young point guard finally leaves the shadow of Greg Oden (high school & college) for the shadow of Spaniard Pau Gasol & Elvis in the home of the Blues. They drafted a point guard last year...but apparently aren't too worried about a little competition.

6. Milwaukee - Yi Jianlian - Forward from China - They say he's good. I've never seen him play...but I've played against people that he's probably played against when I was over there for a month...and it's a lot easier over there than down the street. Maybe he'll prove me wrong. He seems like a great guy though...and could be the next Dirk or something. However, he does seem scared of letting go of the rim, doesn't he???

7. Minnesota - Corey Brewer - Guard/Forward from Florida - Great defender & pretty quick with a lot of wingspan. Could help out KG...since he doesn't appear to be going anywhere. I've seen him play a few times & he's never let me down.

8. Charlotte - Brandon Wright - Forward from North Carolina - UNC alumni Michael Jordan helps to decide to select a fellow alumni at a team that plays in Charlotte. Easily the most predictable pick in the draft...but a good one, I guess. He'll team up with other UNC alumni like Sean May, Raymond Felton, & Jeff McInnis. Weird, huh?

9. Chicago - Joakim Noah - Forward from Florida - People keep telling me that he talks a lot & is a very passionate player. So is Rasheed Wallace. So is that kid that you used to play with during school that would get frustrated when you schooled him and ended the game with "Screw you guys. I'm going home.....and I'm taking my ball with me."

10. Sacramento - Spencer Hawes - Center from Washington - Finally, a white guy. We cracked the Top Ten. You can't teach big. He may be an okay player. I've never seen him play. Now that he's in Sacramento, I probably never will either. What happened to the mystique of the Maloof Brothers? Oh yeah, they traded to GET Ron Artest.

17. New Jersey - Sean Williams - Center from Boston College - The guy was cut from the team for violating team rules (rockin' the gonja) a few times...and now has Jason Kidd lobbing him alley oops & can see the Vince Carter show first-hand. What a country!!! Smoke on, brutha...because you can't teach height.

19. LA Lakers - Javaris Crittendon - Guard from Georgia Tech - Surprise, surprise. They drafted somebody who can specialize in giving Kobe the ball. I hear he's pretty good too. Not surprised in the point guard pick though.

25. Utah - Morris Almond - Guard from Rice - They needed a two-guard to hit 3-pointers...and I'm told that this guy is good for that. I liked the idea of Wisconsin's Alando Tucker (#29 to Phoenix) or Arron Afflalo (#27 to Detroit)...but that's why I don't get that particular paycheck, I guess. Now, I have to look this guy up.

28. San Antonio - Tiago Splitter - Forward from Brazil - As expected, my favorite team went with a foreign-born player...but he's got height...and again, you can't teach it. I assume they're making the right choice though. Why? They're going for the ring on the thumb next year. He may be the next great thing to come out of Brazil. He can do like all the Brazilian superstars & become TIAGO...with no last name...because I'm too sexy. By the way, this isn't Tiago pictured to the left...but you get brownie points if you can tell me who this Brazilian is. Only one name required for entry...

33. San Antonio - Marcus Williams - Forward from Arizona - Quick & skinny forward was one of the best players available. A great addition for when they rest Duncan & Parker...and let Ginobili just run, run, run for 3-4 minutes with everybody else around him. This guy can keep up. There we go, they drafted a Greek forward named Giorgos Printezis at #58. All they need is an Asian & a Penguin to have all the continents covered in their WORLD DOMINATION!!! Maybe next year...

40. LA Lakers - Sun Yue - Forward from China - Welcome to the American Dream, Yue!!! Yeah, Yue!!! You get to go from the streets of Hebei to HOLLYWOOD...and back-up Kobe Bryant for a few minutes per season. You do get to meet Jack Nicholson though...or as he's called in China, "Honorable Clown Demon." That's right. Raise your hand in recognition of your good fortune. By the way, Kobe talked about getting more star-quality help or he's they tried to get All-Star Pau Gasol...but failed, so they did the next best thing & drafted his brother Marc (#48). They have the same genes, right?

Anyway, that concludes my Draft Review. It's not like last year...where I have a sneaking suspicion that David Stern was made an offer he couldn't refuse to get an Italian drafted at #1. "Okay Fat Tony. I'll give in. Please don't break my legs. On one condition's has to be a Canadian team that picks him. You know, so it's not obvious." "Hmmm....okay, I am willing to compromise...but we want another Italian drafted in the first round next year too." The joke's on William "Fat Tony" Williams though because Marco Belinelli is going to Golden State.

Other Stuff for Today - Because I understand that very few of you care about basketball, I thought that I'd throw in a few random thoughts...mostly dealing with technology & the future.

  • Given the current trend of remaking every 80's Saturday morning cartoon & comic book into a feature-length live-action movie, would it be feasible that by the year 2030 we would re-remake those live-action movies into a virtual reality simulation??? Or would today's cartoons become, for example, a live-action Spongebob movie??? Movie announcer voice: "Bruce Willis is........Bob the Builder. Can we build it? You bet your ass we can!!!"
  • If only stupid people are breeding...what does that say about our future? If you really want an answer, watch the movie "Idiocracy" by Mike Judge.
  • I wouldn't want to be one of the first to test out a Teleporter. Maybe if it was something like the tube system they use at banks & in mail rooms...because that's be more like a roller coaster ride. That sounds like fun.
  • "Man alive!!!" - Where does that expression come from exactly? That's not an expression of excitement. That's more like a headline in Detroit. "Five million people survive night." If that's not optimism, I don't know what is. It's much better than "Five million people survive the night. Several hundred do not. Film at 11."
  • Why is Steroids such a big deal in Baseball??? Hitters have been using drugs for over a century. So Barry Bonds may be on the Juice, Babe Ruth was on the Sauce. Are we going to take him out of the Hall of Fame? By the way, Pete Rose should be in there. Sure he gambled...but he gambled FOR HIS TEAM.
  • On that note, is there a Boxing Hall of Fame??? Is there anybody in it??? Thank you for corrupting the Sweet Science, Mr. Don King!!! I long for the days when a man could beat the fear of God into another man before a thousand spectators with dignity. Shame on you, sir.
  • If I am a creation of a God, and I don't believe in myself, is that blasphemy?
  • The Spice Girls are getting back together. Why am I not aroused? Is it because of the fashionable maturnity dresses? I don't think so, because pot bellies are sexy. What else could it be? I mean...I even have the Mute button on.

  • Scientists say that 'Pleasure Bots' or fully-interactive robotic sex dolls may enter the market place in as early as five years (unless Hillary becomes President). This arouses several questions from me:
  1. Where's the website so that I can customize & preorder?
  2. I prefer to think of this as an incredible learning tool...that rewards with positive reinforcement as it teaches. Hear me out ladies. What if they customize them as a learning tool about how to please a woman? Wouldn't that be a great thing? "Yes, yes, I'm totally rocking this game. I'm going for the high score. Whew, I need some water."
  3. Will this be the end of dating? "Look, I can spend $100 on dinner for us...and MAYBE get a good night kiss...or I can spend $200 and shazaam a Victoria's Secret supermodel. Batteries not included. Some assembly required."
  4. If you think that teenage boys play video games a lot NOW...just wait. Think of it this way though, at least they'll be getting physical exercise.
  5. Do I really want to be one of the first to test this new technology out? Think about it. One frayed wire, a semi-conductive lubricant, and ZAP!!! Adios chalupa!!! However, this could be big. You may be the Neil Armstrong of Sexual Conquest. Yes, the future could be a very interesting place.

Okay, now I'm done for day. Perhaps I've said too much...

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Favorite Fears - Part 2 (E-G)

As part of my ongoing quest to help myself & others overcome their fears. Here's more of my favorites...and ones that I just found very interesting.

Ecclesiophobia - Fear of Church - What could possibly be scary about a meeting of townspeople where they hum monotonic ritual odes between sitting in silence while surrounded by statues of a tortured man on a crucifix & his very sad mother??? If you truly want to have a holy experience...listen to Charlotte Church sing. Just look at her. It is as if an angel were sent to Earth to sing Christmas Songs.

Editophobia - Fear of being Edited or Deleted - Does this count with regards to plastic surgery? Is this like a fear of change? Or is it more like the ever present fear of that Hitman in the bushes finally striking? I know he's there. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR???

Eisoptrophobia - Fear of Mirrors or of Seeing Oneself in a Mirror - Not a prevalent fear of Vampires...but definitely with regards to homely people like me. You wake up in the morning, a little groggy & disoriented. Suddenly there's a gigantic monster waiting for you in the bathroom as you flip on the light switch, "AAAAGH!!! Jesus's me again. Damn it!!! Every time."

Eleutherophobia - Fear of Freedom - I thought this was just something referred to in a good Nicholas Cage movie (see "Con Air") but apparently it's real.

Ernetophobia - Fear of Vomiting - One of my least favorite things to do & why I keep my consumption in moderation. I can understand this phobia.

Enetophobia - Fear of Pins - I'm convinced this is why some girls don't like bowling. However, notice that the only difference in the spelling of this phobia from the last is the letter R, which stands for Ralph. Think about it.

Enissophobia - Fear of Criticism - I enjoy criticism...because I'll listen to you...but that doesn't mean that I'm going to change. I always like to see things from a different perspective or angle though (as opposed to always from the gutter or a bird's eye view) so please, criticize all you would like.

Eosophobia - Fear of Dawn or Daylight - Why do Vampires always get brought into my fear discussion? Weird, huh? I have a fear of Daylight myself...and if you've ever seen that Sylvester Stallone movie, you would agree with me.

Epistolophobia - Fear of Writing Letters - This is why the internet was invented. Honestly, who writes letters by hand now? Grandparents? Whatever happened to Pen Pals? I had one...back in the 3rd grade. Then the internet became popular so I have friends in other states...but that's about it. Maybe I should send my Italian friends Matteo & Virginia a message. Oddly enough, I think they live in Ireland now...and say that it's beautiful & green & the people are very nice...but they say it sarcastically.

Equinophobia & Hippophobia - Fear of Horses - Little known fact, Hippopotamus is Greek or Latin for "River Horse" and they kill more Africans than any other animal (lions, tigers, bears, oh my). Hungry hungry hippos indeed.

Ergophobia - Fear of Work - Have you done your ergonomics today? "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I...I just...I'm just afraid to come to work today." "Oh, don't be're fired. Take the rest of the week off."

Erotophobia - Fear of Sexual Love or Sexual Questions - "Oh, you mean Cloitus?" Some parents really fear this stuff...but please don't. Think of it this way. Would you like to tell them about the Birds & the Bees (whatever that means) or some teacher getting paid twenty grand a year to tell kids about history...but only up until World War II??? Or better yet, their friends??? Think about it. If all else fails, let Dr. Mookie Love tell them about it.

Eurotophobia - Fear of Female Genitalia - "Claire, this is always hard to say...especially to a friend...but we're hear to kill your vagina!!!" "Don't you dare." "Sorry Foxy, but that thing is dead meat...curtains!!!" Season two of Drawn Together comes out on July 10th!!!

Fearaphobia & Fearophobia - Fear of Developing Fears - Does it seem redundant to anybody else?

Frigophobia - Fear of Cold Objects - "Is that a bear in my Frigidaire??? I think it is...and he's eating MY porridge...and drinking MY BEER!!! HONEY, GET MY GUN!!!"

Gamophobia - Fear of Marriage - Hmm, I would have thought fear of Game...but my lady friends tell me about men having this fear. Let me break it down for you ladies. It's like my Grandma used to tell me, "Why buy the cow when you get the sex for free?" and yes, she was a farmer.

Geliophobia - Fear of Laughter - Laughter is my heroin. I can't understand this one at all.

Geniophobia - Fear of Chins - Suggestions: Stay out of China & Milwaukee.

Gerontophobia - Fear of Old People or Growing Old - I worked some community service hours at a home for the elderly (long story not involving criminal activity) and it is there were I learned that Old People can be a valuable resource or knowledge & experience...but not all of them. Some just give you evil stares, nonsensical gibberish, vulgar comments, & a rank mess to clean up. There's a reason that people are paid to watch those Old People...and it's truly a noble & valiant profession in my opinion. My hat's off to them.

Globophobia - Fear of Balloons - I wonder if my friend that's afraid of Clowns is also afraid of Balloons. I'll have to ask. I wonder if Balloon animals & Hot Air Balloons are included in this phobia. "I'm sorry, baby. Here, I got you a bouquet, some balloons, and a Teddy Be..." "AAAAAAGH!!!" "Oh my God, I'm sorry. Is it the Bear?"

Graphophobia - Fear of Writing or Handwriting - This may be why there's a fear of writing letters. Perhaps this is a subconscious fear bestilled upon us by Bill Gates & Paul Allen in an effort to abolish literacy & make us all their serfs. Conspiracy of the Day? Yes, I think so.

Gymnophobia & Nudophobia - Fear of Nudity - I wonder if ALL my Favorite Fear emails will end with some fear about me bearing my naked body. That would be sweet.

Anyway, as always, I'm glad to help you all overcome your feel free to let the Doctor know how he can help. Have a great night & tune in tomorrow...when I discuss the NBA Draft & other various thoughts.

Today's Fortune Cookie from Pei Wei - "You will be thankful for the pleasures of the coming months." As some of you may know, I'm kind of a fanatic about fortune cookies (American invention, not used in China) and I usually take their optimistic messages whole heartedly. In fact, you might say that I'm Optimist my balloon friend a few inches above this line. An interesting little nugget of information, a few hours after receiving this message, I re-entered the Singles Market. What does that mean? Just wait & see what sinful pleasures I will be thankful for in the coming months...and I do mean that as a double entendre. Wish me luck!!! Peace!!!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The Epic Journey of my PS3

This story starts on a small island in the South Pacific known to the natives as Home...but to the rest of the world as Japan. There, after months of labor & caring, the many tiny hands of young workers & Awesom-O robots construct a new being....the wave of the future. His name was PS3 but his friends called him most friends do. Little did he know at his young age what journey lied ahead for him. As with many of his brothers & sisters, Buddy was sent to the frosty climate of America during the time of the natives festivals celebrating a bearded baby in swaddling clothes & a mysteriously jolly man in red who broke into people's houses to leave presents. Upon learning of these festivities, Buddy met yet another bearded man named Walt...oddly enough at a place called Walt-Mart. Weird. Unable to speak Walt's language, his cries for food went unheard. "Nice, this is exactly what he was looking for. (Glances around) I'd better put you in a safe place until my shift's over." So Buddy waiting in the dark for several days wondering what was to become of him....then there a bright light...

A tall man with rustic good looks had freed him from his dark prison. "Awesome!!!" he said with great relish. The smile on his face was enough for Buddy to know that he had found a good home with this mysterious tall stranger. "Thanks Dad!!! (Hugs) Unfortunately, I'm going to Boston tonight and I'll be gone for a week. Kiel, would you mind watching my system for me?" "Sure, but you owe me." Laughter. Several weeks past & Buddy doesn't hear from his tall stranger. Where could he be? This Kiel had taken care of him aptly...but he missed his smiling friend of but a few moments. As the weeks passed, he learned that his Stranger had been unable to pick him up due to a frantic work schedule...and he felt an illness befall him. By the time, the Stranger had picked him up, he was very ill, and after several attempts to reboot him, the Stranger decided that he required attention from a professional. Thus begins the 5-7 business day journey that turned into a month long epic quest...

A medical unit (special prepaid postage box) was to be sent within 2-3 business days. The first delivery attempt was made promptly 6 business days later...but the Stranger had to he had told the hospital...but they showed up during that time anyway. So after two MORE failed attempts at nearly the EXACT SAME TIME...the Stranger went straight to the Hospital (UPS) to get the unit. Buddy was fading fast. Ten business days had passed (and several weekends) but Buddy was finally on his way back to his homeland of Japan. He made stops in Louisville, Kentucky - Hometown of the Greatest, Muhammed Ali; Laredo, TX - a city in Texas; Mesquite, TX - yet another city in Texas but they have some bitchin' barbeque sauce; and finally to Houston, TX - Where they have an international airport named after a shrub. Then he took a flight to Japan where he was rebuilt by the finest robotic doctors...stronger, faster, & better than before. However, as the days passed he longed to return to America & to his mysterious Stranger, whom he had barely seen...but felt an unknown, unseen (wireless) connection. He must get back...and quickly.

Anyway, I'm pretty bored of writing this story & trying to make it sound intriguing (poorly). Long story short, he was sent back to me (probably a completely different unit) and earlier today...on the 3rd attempt...the UPS guy showed up just as I was getting to my car to come to work. Finally, they heralded my message & were justly was I...with my Buddy being returned to me so that I may play with him this weekend. YIPPEE!!! No longer will my "NBA Street Homecourt", "Resistance: Fall of Man" & "Blazing Angels" go unused. I can finally see "Casino Royale" in the Blu-Ray Q intended. Today is a glorious day for me & my Buddy. We can finally catch up with one another as we take over the ballplayin' streets of Hometown & play cards with supervillains. Awesome!!!

As far as PS3 games that I'm excited for that are coming out soon. I'm pretty simple. I'm intrigued by the Grand Theft Auto IV, but I'm not the kind of guy who spends 12 hours a day playing games (like my brother) so I'll probably just check it out at my brother's before purchasing it. I'm also really interested in sports games so the EA Sports annual run including Madden '08, NBA Live '08, and the college ranks as well. I visit the website once in a while & the screen shots look incredible...but we shall see when they drop over the next few months. The Metal Gear series has yet to let me when Solid 4 comes out, I'll probably get that one. Okay, you guys don't care...but still if you get bored & are looking for something fun to do, gimme a call & we can watch "300" on a theatre-sized screen or kill innocent bystanders in Liberty City...depending on your mood. It really helps when you're having a Code Brown Meltdown. "TAKE THAT, LADY WITH A STROLLER!!! RATATATATATATATATA!!!"

BIG NEWS IN ROCKLAND!!! Led Zeppelin is going to reunite (sort of) for only the third time since disbanding back in 1980 after the death of John Bonham (other young death whose name started with a J). They will be playing a special concert in memory of Atlantic Records founder Ahmet Ertegun in London later this year. Mr. Ertgeun died in December after a fall at a Rolling Stones concert. This rocks for many reasons. The three original bandmates (Jimmy Page, Robert Plant, & John Paul Jones) will be playing with John Bonham's son Jason at the drums. It's quite possibly the greatest rock band of ALL TIME playing again. It's in memory of one of the great producers of all time. Had I ungodly amounts of neon toilet paper that Europeans call money, I would gladly pay to see them in concert...even though it probably won't be as good as 'back in the day' performance would still be a great experience. It's one of those things like on "Shallow Hal" when they have the Beatles reuniting...but Clapton's playing guitar instead of Lennon (and I guess somebody for George now too)...but BETTER because it's LED ZEPPELIN!!! The Ultimate in Rock & Blues fusion complete with songs about love, sex, rocking out, Hobbits, innuendo, & everything else good & wholesome. Anyway, I'll keep all you Led-Heads posted. Maybe we can set up a trip over never know.

Anyway, I guess that's enough for today. Join me tomorrow when we follow the journey toaster...or something. Have you seen "The Critic" yet? You should. Have a great day & be merry!!!

Monday, June 25, 2007


That's right ladies & gentlemen!!! The bloodline that spawn me shall continue. At last, mankind is saved...or rather will be in a matter of months. My sister-in-law called me up with the tremendous news Saturday morning while I was working (not watching cartoons unfortunately...but blogging about them). I would have told you at the time...but I was sworn to secrecy (for some reason) because she had yet to tell my mother. Suggestions for names will be heard...but for a boy, they seem to be pretty set on Kiel, Jr. Girls' names are still up in the air. Personally, I like the name Gretchen...but nobody else seems to. I feel that it's a good handsome name for a little girl...but I guess it does sound suspiciously like an unpleasant action verb.

My Baby Names - When/if I ever have offspring of my own, there are a few names that I like...but luckily I will have little to no say in the naming of my just to prove that I have thought it through in the past, here's a sampling of my favorites.

For Girls: Karma - Stop rolling your eyes. Karma is sanskrit for action/effect & is thought to mean Fate or something, but I think that it's a great girl's name. My first car's name was Carmen...but Karma sounds a lot better to there.

Lelu - If you haven't seen the Fifth Element, it's the shortened name of the Perfect Being (fittingly played by the lovely Milla Jovovich) so I thought it'd be kind of sweet as a middle name or something. That's right, my little girl's going to have a middle name...because she doesn't need a man to complete her driver's license.

Kristina - It's like Christina...but with a K. You may notice a theme with that.

Katja - Pronounced "Kaat-ya" so it has that Eastern European flavor...but it sounds cool anyway. The main downside would be that nobody outside of a German class would pronounce it correctly.

Megan - This name seems to have a recurring thing for me. It was the name of the first girl that I kissed back in 5th grade & my first 'real' girlfriend/lover. Besides, it's meanings are as varied as the girls that share the name: Greek - Pearl, Gaelic - Strong minded, Chinese - State of Beauty, Sanskrit - Thunder, & Welsh - Able bodied. It's a good solid name...and still in fashion.

For Dudes: Konrad - It's a good husky name...and it starts with a K.

Korbin - Again, Fifth Element reference...and it is one of my favorite movies...and it starts with a K but I'm thinking that my brother may beat me to this one. It's one of my sister-in-law's favorites...and they have a good headstart on me.

$teve, jr. - The Junior thing is always a fine Samuel Adams. However, as stated in my blog header, $teve is more than a name, it's a state of mind. It might also get confusing when the wives/mother get angry & start yelling it. "Ooooh, you're in trouble now boy." "Uh-uh, I've been out here playing all day. Do you think she found something on the top shelf of your closet?" "Oh son, there's nothing on the do you know about daddy's shelf? Go cut me a switch!!!"

King - Steve is Greek for 'Crown' so a name like King is like a Steve, jr. Especially if it's something like King Konrad, leader of the Krab People. Okay, maybe not Krabs...but you get the idea. It's mighty.

Walter or Eugene - My father & grandfather are named there's kind of a legacy with that. Also, Eugene is a little old fashioned but I like the idea of a little Genie running around. It'll probably be a middle name or something...because both names are underused.

Let's see, what else happened this weekend. Saturday after work, I went up to my mom's in the beautiful city of Eden & tested out my digital camera a bit on my niece Kairi & some landscapes. I was fairly impressed. My mother was also a little sick. She had picked up a little flu or something from her cruise to Alaska last week. From what I've been told, Alaska is a majestic frontier & you should all experience it while you still can. It's much more than melting ice & Eskimos...and those alone had me sold. My mother & I caught up on our incredible social lives while watching some HGTV (complete with wiseass remarks by me about painting walls brown & periwinkle because they compliment eachother...somehow...without using words) and one of the silliest stupid horror movies that I've ever seen called "2001 Maniacs" on Encore. It had Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger from Elm Street) and occasional hot Southern breasts but that's about it. We had a good time though.

Sunday, I spent the morning having Freedom Toast with Alaskan cinnamon honey cream (I didn't ask where the cream part came from) with my mom. Quite delicious. Then I headed over to my brother's to take some album cover photos for my buddy Andy (Spitsofrantic, the album drops soon) and hang. We watched some Robot Chicken episodes, then went for a hike up Ogden Canyon. We took a shaded path because it has been about ten degrees above normal here in the Salty Desert...and I wasn't feeling too well (mother's flu & I just don't handle heat as well as I used to). It was still very relaxing & we talked about a trip to Amsterdam & Northern Europe in late November. Apparently, there is this thing called the Canibus Cup, which I assume is some kind of sporting event, that they really wanted to attend...and I just need an excuse & a companion to go on a vacation we shall see if it goes through...then I shall blog about it during the Holidays. Merry Christmas!!!

I know that there may be some of you out there thinking, "Why would you want to go to Amsterdam?" Well, besides the Netherlands being the Tulip Capital of the World (and I'm a man who loves his tulips), homes of Vincent Van Gogh, Rembrandt, Anne Frank, & other historical figures, diamond factories, the Rijksmuseum & Stedelijk museums, windmills, canal cruises, wooden shoes, dikes, and Heineken straight out of the tap, but there's also a distinct kindness to the people & culture that I've heard so much about. What else could you want? It's even a centrally located city where, if I wanted to take a day trip on a train out to Brussells, Copenhagen, France, Rotterdam, Hanover, etc. It's sounds like a fun & busy time when/if it comes to pass. Anyway, that's the main attractions noted on the websites but I'm sure that there are other things to do in Amsterdam that I might be missing...but I'll keep you posted. It's always an adventure being emersed in another culture.

Also, I'd like to take a moment to wish some of my friends & family well out there. If there's any way that I can personally help, then please let me know. Otherwise, I'll just pray & say howdy to let you know that I'm thinking about you. Other than that, I can't really complain too much...because my problems are very small...and more irritating than problems. Soon I will tell you all about the harrowing journey that my PS3 took to get back to my house...but UPS doesn't get the hint that I work during the day. My Park Avenue's power windows have come back to haunt me...because now the motor in one of them has burned out (after only 200,000 miles) so I can't roll up the window. Sucks, right? Luckily, the only thing of value in there is my cheap CD player...but there are a few cats in my neighborhood that I don't want to find have been sleeping in the backseat driving down the freeway, you know? Just irritating stuff. Social life is really slow too (see visit to mother's) but I'm going to be in a car show this weekend...and probably having a few laughs & brews along the way, so that's something to look forward to. I'm still in great health & high spirits. I've got great family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances, strangers, imaginary friends, etc. and things can't be too bad when that's the case. Especially when...I'M GONNA BE AN UNCLE AGAIN!!! Congratulations to my brother & sister-in-law!!! Let me know when I can babysit.......well in advance. I'm sure it'll be a beautiful/handsome child and very, very tall.

Saturday, June 23, 2007


The world's ugliest dog, "Elwood"

Is it just me...or does he bear a striking resemblance to the Rancor???

Critique on the Critic

For the past week or so, whenever I was sitting at home feeling a little bored (not working), I threw in one of my favorite television shows of all time, "The Critic" and just kicked back & laughed. For anybody who has never seen or heard of this wonderful show, it was on for two years from 1994-95 (on ABC & Fox, respectively) and has been on Comedy Central sometimes since then. The show was about a New York film critic named Jay Prescott Sherman (voiced by Jon Lovitz) and his wacky adventures. One of the main features of the show was the inclusion of a few parodies of movies in each episode such as "Howard Stern's End", "Honey, I ate the Kids", or "Rabbi PI" starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. "Eat lead, rabbi." "Sorry, that's not kosher. KABOOM!!! Havah Nagilah, baby!!!"

The show was created by some of the same people that brought us "The Simpsons" to rake in some of that Bart money for ABC & though widely accepted in New York & other East coast cities, most of America didn't care for it Fox picked it up after a few episodes...and then the show ended after 23 wonderful episodes. For all you Simpsons fans out there, you may remember Jay Sherman making an appearance in "A Star is Burns" (you know, the one with Barney's film & "Football in the Groin") in a shameless, yet hysterical TV crossover. Besides Jon Lovitz, some of the other voice actors on the show included Nancy Cartwright (Bart Simpson, but also voiced Jay's sister Margo), Utah born Christine Cavanaugh (Jay's son Marty, also did Chuckie from Rugrats & Dexter's Laboratory), Charles Napier (Jay's boss Duke Phillips & acted in movies like Rambo II & Silence of the Lambs), & the great Maurice LaMarche (Jay's friend Jeremy Hawke & once voiced 29 characters in one episode...probably best known as the voice of Pinky but has been on just about every cartoon since Inspector Gadget back in the 80's) who also has some of my favorite lines portraying Orsen Welles doing a commercial for Rosebud Frozen Peas - "Full of country goodness and green peaness." & portraying our shortest president as a double-O agent. "Who are you?" "Monroe, James Monroe...and here's a taste of the Monroe Doctrine."

Anyway, I think it's a great show & if you ever get the chance to check it out, you should. There's something for everybody. If you like zany wackiness with random thoughts spit out at any moment, then Jay's father Franklin will gladly provide. "Good Afternoon, Mr. Sherman. I'm Geraldo Rivera. I was wondering if we could talk for a moment." "The time for talk has passed. Now is the time for action." "Ugh, so I hear you can say your name backwards." "Nilknarf." "Uh-huh, and what is your favorite food?" "Nilknarf." If you like film parodies, there's usually 2-3 per episode & if you want to watch most of them in one sitting, the final episode is 79% recycled parodies...with a little Die Hard parody during the episode. If you like relentless berating of celebrities such as Arnold, Sylvester Stallone, Woody Allen, Roseanne Barr, Regis & Kathie Lee, Ricki Lake, & other semi-dated celebrities (it aired over a decade ago), then you're sure to get your fill. Even if you like touching stories about love, family, overcoming obstacles, self-discovery, or being a self-made billionaire running for President, then they've got plenty of those as well...but enough punchlines to keep the husband interested too. I actually just found it on eBay for $5 or I'd be happy to loan it to you...and all it would YOUR SOUL.

Sorry, I watched "Ghost Rider" last week...and I had one of those random thoughts as I usually do. Is it just me or would it be fun to dress up with slicked-back Pat Riley hair, a long dark trenchcoat, and just an eery feeling of evil about you...and randomly walk up to people, for example, working on their car...and saying stuff like, "What if I were to tell you...that you'd never have to work on your Plymouth Acclaim again...and all it would cost YOUR SOUL???" Then you pull out a parchment from your trenchcoat with red Olde English lettering but in Latin...and ask them to sign at the bottom. Wouldn't that just be a fun & creepy thing to do? The first few times, it may be a little difficult to keep a straight face...but with a little practice...and a saucy could probably pull it off. Anyway, yeah. It really wouldn't cost your soul to borrow "The Critic" but the Acclaim is a different story.

Today is also the birthday of writer/director/producer Joss Whedon, turning 43. Many know his works with TV shows like "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" & "Angel" and writer for one of my brother's favorite movies "Titan A.E." Personally, the only show that I really watched was "Firefly" and that was only after my buddy suggested that I watch it. If any of you haven't seen the fourteen episodes of "Firefly" (bad time slot on Fox for one year) then I would suggest asking to borrow the series from one of your cool friends or next time you're at Blockbuster, you can check out the movie adaptation "Serenity" featuring the same cast...and kind of shrinking the series down into a two-hour movie. Anyway, it's just yet another entertaining suggestion, so feel free to do with it what you will. Happy birthday, Mr. Whedon!!!

Have a great weekend everybody!!! See you on Monday!!! Viva Quebec!!!

Friday, June 22, 2007

Elvis or the Beatles???

It's a time-honored question that has been around & conversed since the mid-1960's. Who do you like more - Elvis or the Beatles??? You can say that you like both (and I do) but when it comes down to it, you have to choose one over the other...because you can't like them the same. They're too different.

Elvis Presley - The man was a trucker from Memphis, Tennessee and within a few years became the biggest star in Rock & Roll and movies. He brought Rock & Roll to white America, forever popularizing it. He married Priscilla Presley (who's still hot in her sixties) and his lone offspring married Michael Jackson...but we all make mistakes. He won three Grammys (oddly enough for his Gospel music though). Who doesn't like peanut butter & banana sandwiches? With a thrust of his pelvis & a half grin, the man changed American music forever.

What does it say about you if you prefer him? You stand for America, sex, catchy little ditties, rock & roll, white suits, & Las Vegas. You're probably a party animal, enjoy casual sex, & have experimented with drugs. You enjoy the Muppets, pancakes, Jean Claude Van Damme movies, and are a nocturnal person. You rock!!!

The Beatles - John, Paul, George & Ringo went from the industrial wasteland of Liverpool to being bigger than Jesus in less than a decade. After they broke up due to personal differences (Yoko Ono), their popularity continued to grow. John Lennon's death was considered assassination...and you have to be pretty important for that consideration. Paul was knighted & is still one of the world's top draws on the concert scene. George had his own string of hits & raised a lot of money for various foundations before his death. Ringo married a Bond girl, I think. Their music transcends Rock & Roll or Pop and are usually pretty catchy but have some kind of meaning and innuendo...especially the latter years of the group. They had a few movies too...but they're best watched under the influence.

What does it say about you if you prefer them? You like to read & learn A LOT to gain knowledge & advance yourself personally. You prefer Love, Harmony, & Peace to Sex, Drugs, & Rock & Roll...but you're well-rounded in experiences. You enjoy cheese, wine, Fraggle Rock, Stanley Kubrick movies, know karate (though Elvis had a black belt), and have an extensive wardrobe of mostly earth tones.

So how accurate was I?

By the way, I prefer the Beatles to Elvis...but enjoy them both on a regular basis. The decisive factor for me...was the "Rubber Soul" album. Anyway, let me know what you think & we can keep a tally or something.

Also, today would be the 60th birthday of Peter Press Maravich a.k.a. "Pistol Pete" who tragically passed away back in 1988 of a heart attack playing a 3-on-3 pickup game, but his legacy is still felt today in my favorite sport, basketball. If you ever want to watch a cool B-movie (actually more around C or D level) about his early days, watch "Pistol: The Birth of a Legend" if you can find it. It's okay. His father Press was his coach through high school & college at Louisiana State University. He trained day & night, playing against bigger kids, & pushing himself to be the best basketball player that he could be...and having a lot of fun along the way. During his collegiate career, he shattered nearly every scoring record in NCAA history & nobody has even really come close to threatening them. He had a career scoring average of over 44 points per game...and has the career total scoring title despite only playing three years of college (different teams back in the 60's).

He was the 3rd overall pick of the Atlanta Hawks in 1970 and introduced the NBA & later the ABA's New Orleans Jazz to a brash new style of basketball with no-look passes, incredible dribbling displays, miraculous floaters that always seemed to find their mark, & of course, a hairstyle that only myself & Steve Nash can seem to pull off on a basketball court. He was a 5-time NBA All-Star, elected into the Hall of Fame in 1987, & was named one of the 50 Greatest Players in NBA History in 1996. His #7 jersey still hangs in both arenas for the Utah Jazz & New Orleans Hornets. Nowadays, his exciting & original style has many impersonators...but very few can even hold a candle to "The Pistol" & his magic. So pick up a basketball & through a behind-the-back pass to yourself off the wall for hours on end...because magic comes from practice & sleight of hand. If you don't like basketball, that's cool. I just wanted to share the story of one of my inspirations growing up.

To learn more cool facts about Mr. Maravich, feel free to check out

There's even an especially creepy quote from when he was 25 years old: "I don't want to play 10 years in the NBA and then die of a heart attack at 40" which is EXACTLY what happened. Sometimes, it just doesn't pay to be right.

Have a great day!!! Kenzie & Cambria, I hope that you ladies feel better soon.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Favorite Fears - Part 1 (A-D)

Call me an Oxy-Moron if you will, but here are a list of some of my favorite fears...and some that I didn't even know really existed until I visited

Agateophobia, Dementophobia, & Maniaphobia - Fear of Insanity - I live in constant fear of becoming insane...and it doesn't help at all. It's inebidabo. "What was that?" Inebidabo. "One more time." INEBIDABO, things are inebidabry going to change. Geez, open your f**king ears. (Brownie points)

Alektorophobia - Fear of Chickens - How ironic is it to be chicken of Chickens?

Alliumphobia - Fear of Garlic - Vampires beware!!! For your fear has a name!!!

Allodoxophobia - Fear of Opinions - "I thought that the English Patient was rather..." "AAAAAAGH!!!" "Okay, nevermind."

Ambulophobia, Stasibasiphobia, & Stasiphobia - Fear of Standing or Walking - Rory Calhoun surely didn't have this fear. (Brownie points for anybody else who gets the reference)

Anthrophobia & Anthophobia - Fear of Flowers - How would you like to find this one out on a first date? "Hi, I'm $teve. Here, I got you some..." "AAAAAGH!!! GET AWAY FROM ME!!!"

Arachibutyrophobia - Fear of Peanut Butter sticking to the roof of your mouth - Yup, I really don't need to say much about that one.

Atelophobia - Fear of Imperfection - Man, do I feel sorry for those who suffer from this.

Aurophobia - Fear of Gold - Just an interesting one to me.

Autophobia - Fear of one's self - Wow!!! That could be tricky.

Bogyphobia - Fear of bogies or the bogeyman - "AAAAGH Boogeyman!!! Bart, I don't want to alarm you...but there may be a boogeyman...or boogeyMEN in the house."

Caligynephobia & Venustraphobia - Fear of Beautiful Women - Does this include fear of what you might do around beautiful women? I may have a mild case of this one. (Please disregard the earlier blog where I grabbed Angelina Jolie's breast. That was an isolated incident...unlike the fact that she's the most pictured person on MY blog. Weird, huh?)

Chaetophobia, Trichopathophobia, & Trichophobia - Fear of Hair - The source of all hippie violence.

Chinophobia - Fear of Chinese people & customs - Though I can't wait to go back to China, as you may have realized, I do have a little fear. They're just TOO NICE. They have to be planning something.

Cherophobia - Fear of Gaiety - Define gaiety in this sense.

Coitophobia & Genophobia - Fear of Coitus - Public Service Announcement: Everybody should see the Big Lebowski.

Coulrophobia - Fear of Clowns - Have you SEEN Stephen King's IT???

Cypridophobia & Cyprianophobia - Fear of Prostitutes or Venereal Disease - You all should be afraid!!! Unless of course you have better judgement. Just say no.

Decidophobia - Fear of Making Decisions - I'm not sure that I like this one.

Defecaloesiophobia - Fear of Painful Bowel Movements - Beto's Spicy Chicken Burrito. Face your fear!!!

Dishabiliophobia - Fear of Undressing in Front of Someone - NOT ME!!! Thank you God/genetics...and Ab Roller 3000.

Anyway, that's enough for now. There are many, many more...but I'm tired of typing right now. I'm a strong believer in facing your fears, so if any of you would like to overcome them, please let me know & I'll do what I can to help. Sometimes, all you need is a little support. Have a great day!!! Kenzie, I hope you feel better soon.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

My Brother & Me

Friday night, I was fairly exhausted after work...but my brother wanted to hang out, so I went to see what he was up to...because sadly I had no plans...and I was going to meet my new 3-year old niece Kelaudri. Anyway, I got there & he filled me in on all the latest PS3 video game news...then he said that he wanted to go for a hike up one of the many paths around Ogden Canyon. Never one to turn down a beautiful hike through the natural majesty of Utah, we went as the sun was about to set (around 8:00 PM these days). We loaded up on Gatorade, took our shirts off, & started up the trail.

I asked where we were headed & he told me that he & Andy (Spitsofrantic) had found this gorgeous lookout point called Hidden Valley...but being a particularly secretic location, there wasn't any means of direction.

Except that. Along the way, there was plenty of stunning views of the Ogden Valley...but unfortunately, I was only armed with my cell phone camera, so here's some teasers.

After trudging through the rugged forest for about an hour & taking several shortcuts that may or may not have actually made the trip shorter...we came to the summit. It was definitely a moment for self-reflection & utter amazement of the simple pleasures of life.
My brother also needed a smoke. Not the best combination to go with his asthma, but he made it. Here's a couple more shots of the sunset...and basically the last straw before I decided to get a real digital camera that is both descrete & provides good pictures. More to come on that in future blogs...

After our adventure (included a spirited jog down the mountain on a narrow pathway & size 14 shoes), we returned to his house & I met Kelaudri. As promised in earlier blogs, I will provide pictures of Kelaudri & Kairi (brownie points still offered if you know the origin of her name) but that will be in future entries. I have to do something to keep you guys reading...and trust me, they're worth the wait. So until next time, have fun...and let everybody out there that you care about...know it. No reason to hold it in. Peace.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Dirk's Geburtstag!!!

Since I won't be working later today, I just thought that I'd remind everybody that today we should all pay homage to Herr Dirk Nowitzki on this, his 29th birthday. Earlier this year, he became the first European-born Most Valuable Player in the NBA...making him the biggest thing to come out of Germany since David Hasselhoff...and definitely larger.

So as stated previously, I think that we should all crack open a cold Beck's, fry up some Colossimo's Brats (or Bavarian variety if you have immediate access), and blast some Falco as we celebrate his birthday, German culture, & just another great day to be alive. Do you really need any more of a reason?

Monday, June 18, 2007

Making a Mix Tape

Occasionally, I'll go on & on about how much I enjoy the Funk, R&B, and other music genres with new acquaintances...and they tell me that they are not too familiar with them. So I'll offer to make them a little mix tape (CD because I'm too cool for cassettes but not cool enough for the MP3 format) so that they get to experience it. So far, I've had good reviews. If you'd like a copy of my Funk mix entitled "Funk Me Gently" or an R&B mix (title varies) or anything of that sort, let me know. I don't do country my profile states. Johnny Cash & Kris Kristofferson is about as country as I go...and I worked at a dairy farm for two years. Anyway, here's a rundown of what's on my latest R&B/Bump & Grind mix that a made for a friend going to have a quick surgery later this week. Get well soon.

1. "Slow Jamz" by Twista, Kanye West, & Jamie Foxx - Though technically not R&B, it sings its praises and has a nice smooth rhythm to introduce the rest of the CD. By the way, if you haven't heard Jamie Foxx's "Unpredictable" album, you should check that out too. It's also a nice song to start the album off on...because it doesn't explicitly imply that you intend on getting down to business...just bump & grind a bit...then the track ends and moves to...
2. "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye - The man died too young...but his legacy lives on. By the time the opening riff is over, you know it's on. This is the quintessential smooth R&B baby-makin' song. This song is solely responsible for more sexual intercourse than senior prom.
3. "Turn the Lights Down Low" by Smokey Robinson - Do you remember the song that you made love to for the first time? Well, this was mine. It was actually to Smokey's Greatest Hits album...but this was the song near the end of the album when I first...well you know. I'm interested to know anybody else's though, so feel free to share.
4. "I'm Gonna Love You" by Barry White - You can just listen to Barry White's Greatest Hits all the way through...and it's an orchestral masterpiece of hot, steamy passion with a pleasant baritone...but this song starts out with the trademark one-sided conversation that builds into the song.
5. "When You Wanna Come" by Brian McKnight - I haven't heard his latest album "Gemini" but you should check out his "Superhero" album if you get the chance. This is just a smooth song about taking the time to make it an experience for her. Because like a wiseman once said, "Sex is like Chinese food, it ain't over until you both get your cookie." I also like the reference to Frankie Goes To Hollywood's hit.
6. "I'll Make Love to You" by Boys II Men - Sure, it's widely regarded as one of the cheesiest songs ever made...but it was really big when I was going to dances in school...and it was on the first CD that I ever got, so it was burned into my skull (the other first CD was Hootie & the Blowfish "Cracked Rear View" also great). "THROW YOUR CLOTHES...ON THE FLOOR!!!" Tell me that part doesn't get to you.
7. "What's It Gonna Be?" by Brian McKnight - Forget all the subtle hints, innuendo, all that other BS, we've been going out for a while, this is what I'm feeling, so what's it gonna be? Obviously he says it a lot smoother than that...but when that's the message of a song, it gets my respect. Again, "Superhero" album...check it out.
8. "Oooh Baby Baby" by Smokey Robinson - Doesn't really fit the theme being more of an 'I'm sorry' kind of song but if you can't apologize with this song...then there's no hope. You messed up. The melody's good though...and as long as you focus on making HER sing the chorus of "Ooooh Baby Baby" then you're off to a good start. Hopefully by this point in the album, you're not paying attention to lyrics anyway.
9. "Peaches & Cream" by 112 - Delicious. Like the song says, "When it comes to eatin' peaches, shorty we don't play." Even Jesus said, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." So it's like a gospel song...from Diddy & 112.
10. "All My Life" by K-Ci & JoJo - Again, one of those songs that was really big when I was in high it makes the album. If I had a say, this would be a definite candidate for my wedding song...but luckily that's not the case.
11. "Let's Stay Together" by Al Green - The good Reverend Al Green is an American treasure. Everybody should at least hear his Greatest Hits album...and I even have the man's Christmas album. You can find it too during the holidays in the $3 bin at Circuit City or something. That's where I found it...and it's worth every penny.
12. "It's Ecstasy When You Lay Down Next to Me" by Barry White - Again, Barry White has gotten more people laid than beer & ruffies combined. "There's nothing sexier than the slither of a lady snake. Oooooh baby..."
13. "Need You Tonight" by INXS - Not fitting for this album for a few reasons...but I had to get a caucasian in there...even if he was a little on the kinky side. Energetic...and it has that nice rhythmic slap in the baseline that can lead to some rosey cheeks & a second wind. Stay away from the autoerotic asphicsiation though. (RIP Kenny)
14. "Bump & Grind" by R. Kelly - Say what you will about the man's personal life (He's no Jacko) but you can't deny that the man makes hits. Most Top 20 hits by any male artist during the 90's? That's right, R. Kelly. Look it up. Sure this song is a little creepy now since the accusations & the video...but I don't see nothing wrong...with a little bump & grind...and neither should you. Not guilty.
15. "Ignition" by R. Kelly - For some reason, every time I hear this song, I want to go driving...for a long, long time. Quite possibly the greatest & most fitting metaphor song in R&B history...and I'm talking about the original, not the remix.
16. "Anywhere" by 112 & Li'l Zane - Ladies, if you asked your man to make love to you on the sneeze guard of the salad bar at Sweet Tomatoes, he would. If it was a cold December night & you wanted him to warm you up at the park in the manger on top of baby Jesus with the Three Wisemen cheering you on, he would. "We can make love in the bedroom, floating on top of my waterbed, kissing you, running my fingers through your hair. In the hallway, making our way beside the stairs, we can do it anywhere. I can love you in the shower, both of our bodies dripping wet, on the patio, we can make a night you won't forget. On the kitchen floor, as I softly pull your hair, we can do it anywhere." We're eager to please...anywhere.
17. "Sexual Healing" by Marvin Gaye - There's a reason this song won a Grammy. Some have presumed that he was singing about his cocaine addiction at this point in his life (It's a tragedy. Please don't do drugs.) but we all have our various addictions...and this is one that I'll gladly admit to. Honestly, I can't hold it much longer. It's getting stronger & strong...and when I get that feeling, I want sexual healing. It's good for me & it's good for you.
18. "Make Love to Me" by Rick James - Who says that Rick James doesn't have a soft side? Sure, he's a little assertive...but some girls really like that. Though most know him as one of the great Funk artists of all time (and the self-proclaimed sexiest mother f**ker ever), this song show just how tender he can be...which isn't much...but he's Rick James, bitch.
19. "Pony" by Ginuwine - Another great metaphor & brings back memories of high school & college. Everybody knows the baseline...and can probably belch it out after a few beers. That's about all I have to say about this song.
20. "Let Me Be Your Clock" by Smokey Robinson - You'll notice that Smokey Robinson is the most popular gentleman in my collection...and for good reason. He & Isaac Hayes are about the only artists that I would pay good money to see in concert...and they're both in their 60's. They should be treasured while they're here...because look at the above list...and tragically many of these artists are no longer with us (Barry, Marvin, Michael, & Rick). I like this song...because as I mentioned, the first few times I gigoogidied my first geschmougidy, I was listening to Smokey...and this was an awfully fitting song. Like swingin' a hammer at the carnival, DING!!!

Anyway, that's my album. I hope that you've enjoyed it. Perhaps some day I'll share my "Funk Me Gently" mix & why it was selected. By the way, big news. I bought my first digital camera today. It's a Sony Cyber-Shot 7.2 MP & it's pretty fly. Hopefully it'll lead to better picture quality on my little adventures...but those are for another day. Tune in next time when we hike up Ogden Canyon with my brother. It'll be loads of fun. Until next time, this is $teve a.k.a. Dr. Mookie Tockenbaut Love signing off...


Sunday, June 17, 2007

Happy Father's Day!!!

Good Afternoon Everybody, Happy Father's Day!!!

I'd also like to wish a merry welcome to all the single mothers out there too...because you deserve another day. Fathers never seem to get the respect that they deserve...usually because they're not there to talk to you when you're feeling down, kiss your boo-boo's better, or cook you a fine meal everyday. Why? Because they're out there busting their hump to earn money to provide for the food, band-aids, clothing, shelter, electricity, & everything else that our society requires. Even on the weekends, they're mowing the lawn, working on the car, fixing that leak in the sink, figuring out why the swamp cooler isn't working, cleaning the gutters, repaving the driveway, cutting the firewood, picking weeds from the garden, restaining the fence, painting the house, and so on to make sure that the house is in order. Even at night, probably the best part of his day is finding the man in the boat...and that can be an tiring search when you're still buzzed from paint fumes & heat exhaustion. Yes, I know that in today's society most households have at least two parents in the workforce...but this is the day for the fathers.

Think about the conversations that you have with your father...and this will differ a little bit between sons & daughters reading this blog...but I'll continue. Sons - you have all the 'Becoming a Man' talks with your dad...and if you have a cool dad that you've hung out with & see as a big brother, so you've seen "Basic Instinct" a few times & had conversations about how hot the Disney princesses are, then it's not nearly as awkward when it finally comes down to it. Also, if you need help with something non-emotional, you'll go to your dad...because they know how to fix things...just don't cry in front of him.

Daughters - from what I understand, it's more of the variety of you incidentally bumps into them on your way to a friend's house. "Where are you off to?" "Jackie's. I won't be out long." "What are you doing at Jackie's? Isn't she that girl that wears too much makeup?" "Daddy, we're going to be studying." "Please, you're not dressed like you're going to be studying. I remember going to 'study parties' when I was a kid. That's how we got your older brother. You're not going to study at Jackie's." "I hate you. You never let me hang out with my friends. We're just studying." "OH!!! I'd love to spend some time studying with my daughter. What subject is it? Math? History? English? If you say Anatomy, you're grounded." It's not that your father doesn't like you...he just doesn't want you to make a mistake or put yourself into a situation for mistakes to your older brother. Sure, he's a little strict sometimes...but you're his princess & he wants you to find a prince, not that cocky guy on the basketball team (cockblockin' son of a...). Besides, if you wanted emotionally delicate handling of a situation, you have mom for that. IF Dad uses soap, it's that stuff that gets axle grease out of concrete. Mom uses stuff that smells good. Who do you think is more sensitive?

What to get Dad - Now, traditionally ties, socks, & other useless articles of clothing are popular. Tools are much much better. Since my dad has all the tools that he could possibly want (because he's spoiled & knows how to use them), I usually like to get him action movies...preferably with attractive female co-stars. Why? My stepmom won't watch them with he has a little solo relax time to see stuff blow up, hear a few one-liners, & maybe get some full frontal nudity. It's the family-appropriate version of buying the old man a lapdance, which if you live in a state where lapdances are lapdances and not cockteases, you should definitely get your dad one...but I'm in Utah, so it doesn't work out that way. If you're a daring individual, you could get an outfit for your mother to wear FOR your dad...but that's a shady area of morality...and you hopefully don't know your mom's dimensions...and it's just plain weird. I'm just trying to think outside the box. Look in your heart. You know what Daddy wants...and it ain't a tie.

Speaking of fathers, my brother set up a MySpace account & I told him that I'd 'advertise' for him on my blog. So if you like my blog, you may like his MySpace (Kielv). If you like 80's cartoon theme songs & funny stuff, he's got just about all of them (Thundercats to Captain Planet to Chip & Dale's Rescue Rangers). "Ch-ch-ch-Chip & Dale!!!" Sorry, it was a catchy one. Here's a picture of him with his daughter Kairi (brownie points if you know where he got the name from). After a custody decision, he now has a new 3 year old daughter Kelaudri, who I met for the first time over the weekend...and I think she has a crush on me. I'm telling ya, if the girl's under 18 or over 40, they love me...but in between those ages, it's like Shaq at the free throw line, sometimes I get lucky.

Also, I was forwarded a wonderful news story about a 73-year old Indian man (red dot, not feather) named Shivcharan Jatav. As the story goes, he was approached by an army recruiter in 1969 & told him that it would help his chances to get into the military if he passed his high school equivalency test. At the time, he was a 35-year old farmer who had no formal education, but he decided to give it a shot to serve his country...and apparently become a more eligible bachelor. See? In some cultures, brains ARE sexy. Anyway, he took the test...and unfortunately failed. So he took it the next year...and failed again. Did that stop him? No way. So last week, he took the exam for the 39th time...and failed every section EXCEPT SANDSKRIT!!! That's like a beet farmer speaking fluent Latin. What's the moral of the story? If at first you don't succeed, try try again...and maybe pick up an ancient language to impress the chicks along the way. Also, don't judge a person based on how they do on tests. Yeah, he may not know how to add & subtract...but the main can farm. How many of you know anything about horticulture? If I gave you a flat piece of land & a few backs of seeds, what could you make? We all have our skills. They're just different...and that's what makes them great. Anyway, check out the story for yourself...and never give up, never surrender.;_ylt=AuU8c0cKuTioKfAKa6J4EE0DW7oF
Also, this guy may be playing us all for fools. He's mastered an ancient language but can't seem to master addition. Maybe he's playing an ill-educated man off to score the megahottie. Just look at what it did for this guy...

Friday, June 15, 2007

Home Delivery

Good Morning Everyone,

As promised, I am here bright & early...ready for another day of work...followed by an afternoon of napping. By the way, at what age does napping become taboo? Is it around 2nd grade or so, when it's no longer part of our school schedule? Maybe there's something to this Siesta thing that I keep hearing about in Mexico...and similar lunch breaks in major European countries. When did America become too cool to nap? Well, I say that we bring it back. Much like Justin Timberlake attempted to bring Sexy back (and did a fairly good job for a dude), I'm going to bring Nappy back. Wait, that doesn't sound right. Well, you get the idea, right? Anyway, back to my original thought on this scattered morning.

Those of you who know me, know that I don't always have luck with the ladies. Now now, I know that I'm not batting 1.000 every game. The pitchers get switched up every few innings & sometimes the balls don't even seem to fit the sport...but we keep on swinging away...maybe chasing a few curveballs here & there...or watching some straight-up fastballs blow right past us...but you keep trying until you get one in the sweet spot...and send her out of the park. Okay, so that metaphor is a little flawed...but it's a lot better than knocking one out of the (trailer) park. Anyway, I got to thinking (as I occassionally do) about those who have even less luck than me out there...and some of the alternatives. That's when I got to thinking about mail-order brides.

Why? - Please let it be noted, that this situation is not Plan A. Personally, whether it's a companion or a car, I usually go with the old U.S. of A. first...but in these modern times, buying American can be financially unsettling. Did you know that when Neil Diamond divorced his second wife in 1995 it costed him over $150 million dollars? "Love on the Rocks" indeed. The man's an American treasure. Also, I'm one to promote international trade. As long as the product is high quality & its presense in the global marketplace isn't saturated, there's potential for a real market. Now, I haven't looked into the whole 'legal' aspect of mail-order brides...but I'm thinking that it's somewhere between marrying for a green card & tearing the tags off your in what we call, the Grey Area. Also, because I've had no real desire to check the internet (at work) for information on this, any website that you're aware of would be helpful...and may shed some light on this issue. To be honest, I don't even know how much they would cost, if they're delivered by crate, what kind of a warranty they have, or anything of that sort. Not surprisingly, I checked eBay to see what they show...and apparently Valerie Bertinelli (formerly Mrs. Van Halen) was in a movie called "Mail Order Bride" but that's about it.

When? - My friends are pretty convinced that if I'm not married by the time that I turn 40, they're going to get me one...but I don't trust their judgement as a I'm sure that I'll be involved in the selection process.

What? - Now, I like the affordability of the Asian models...and I've heard from others that the maintenance costs are very reasonable. However, I'm a little concerned about size...because I'm a Cadillac-driving kind of guy. The Italian models are sexy, streamlined, & expensive...but I've been told that they're worth every penny if you can afford them. I've also been intrigued by the Eastern European models. However, I think when it all comes down to it...I like the idea of a Brazilian model. They could turn a major profit in this market. Dark monochromatic coloring, curvy streamlined engineering, an engine that seems to run forever, complete with a sexy sound system, it's all good. Think about it. All those Victoria's Secret supermodels have sisters & cousins, right? Anyway, feel free to send me your thoughts on the issue...even if it's that I'm an incredibly insensitive person for considering it. You're probably right. I should definitely do more research. Anyway, time for a brownie breakfast. Have a great Father's Day weekend!!!

P.S. Again, congratulations to the San Antonio Spurs!!! Happy Birthday Steph!!!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Things We All Like

" you like...stuff?" Please raise your hand if you've every asked this question to break the ice...or fill dead space in a conversation. Really? Interesting. I'd be lying if I said that I've never used that provocative question say...during a date or something where my mind wasn't in the right place (in the gutter where I left it). However, it's hard to think of 'stuff' out there that we ALL like...but I've come up with a few that the vast majority like. Here are a few...but if you have more suggestions...feel free to add them to the list.

1. Music - There's a reason that every guy that has ever hit on you in any setting has asked you what kind of music you like. Sometimes they'll even say something stupid like..."Do you like music?" Of course, you do. Everybody does. You should throw a drink in his face for saying something so stupid. There's probably a sign by his house that says "Slow Children at Play" and it's talking about him. Boo this man. BOOOOO!!! Everybody likes music of some sort. Even the old timers that say "This music is CRAP!!! It's making my ears hurt." I'll bet that if you throw in some Bing Crosby they'll drift down Memory Lane...or what's left of it. That stretch of highway may be a little torn up but you can still skip on the sidewalks.

Also, just out of curiousity, have you ever told somebody that you really liked a band, but you really didn't particularly care for them, just so that you'd have something in common with them? If you have...shame on you. Now, don't get me wrong. It's understandable if...for example, they're really into 311 and you think they're okay...but not great. I mean every mood has its music. But if you're going on & on about how much you love David Bowie & you don't know who Ziggy Stardust is, just so you can get somebody's number...that's LYING!!! Besides, unless you're a master of trivial knowledge, you're probably going to get caught at some point...especially when/if you take them back to your place to see your Tool & Radiohead posters. "Do you have any eyeliner?" "What? Of course not." "(Gasp) You don't like David Bowie. POSER!!!" "Oh man..." Just be true to yourself. That's all I wanted to say about that. Music isn't everything. Honesty is pretty close though.

2. Compliments - Everybody likes to be complimented. "You're hilarious." "That blouse looks great on you." "Excellent breasts. Who's your surgeon?" "Your smile just brightens up my day. Thank you." See? We all like that kind of stuff. There are some people out there that look at every compliment with a magnifying glass. What angle are they playing? Are they being sarcastic? Is he just trying to sleep with me...or do I really have some nice tatas? Please just take every compliment with a smile, a "Thank you", and pay it forward with a compliment in return. "Why thank you. Dr. Mookie Love was my surgeon. That's a wonderful package you have there." "Thank you. My surgeon's name is Dr. God Almighty. What was your name again?"
3. Sex - Barring some horrible experience, the vast majority of people enjoy sex.....a lot. (Note: By 'a lot'...I mean that when it's being had, it's enjoyed a lot. Unfortunately, there are some of us out there that don't get to experience it a lot. I'm trying to change that...and when I'm running for public office, you'll see how.) I'm not going to go into detail as to why...but it involves a lot of nerve endings, synapses, endorphines, & other chemical reactions coming together to just make you feel good all over. Unless you like a bit of that kinky stuff, then it hurts good all over. Enough said...probably too much...

4. Chocolate - Except for the unfortunate people who have some kind of allergic reaction to it, this form of the cocoa bean is about as addictive as a form of the coca bean...but much more universally accepted. Its holy union with peanut butter is something of pure marital bliss. I've fantasized of taking a bath in melted chocolate...but then realize that it's probably very, very hot...and can get into some embarassing places...but I'm sure that you've all had these thoughts as well. So yeah...chocolate, right?

5. Travel - Aside for people that have a fear of the outdoors, (Agoraphobia -, there are some pretty interesting ones) most people like to travel & experience new cultures or see new things. Sure, I have a job where I sit most of the day, but personally, I like to stand & Rory Calhoun (5 of Nikki's brownie points if you get the reference). I strongly suggest seeing the world if you ever get the chance. I understand the whole hierarchy of priorities...but still, if you have the option of going on a quick road trip to anywhere...instead of sitting at home & playing with yourself. (Note: By playing with yourself, I'm of course referring to playing computer games alone...and not those of the one-handed typing variety), I say go have an adventure in the Real Earth rather than the Middle Earth. The armies of Gundor will wait for you to return & lead them into battle another day.

The preceding was a brief list of things that I feel just about everybody likes. At the very least, you'll hopefully be able to start a conversation with somebody along the lines of "Wait. You like sex AND music? Whoa, we should hang out." Please let me know if you are morally opposed to any of these ideas...and add your own as you deem fitting. This was a list compiled late at night in the middle of a loooooong work day that will last until 5 PM tomorrow with a brief nap between now & then. Don't worry, I'll be fine as frog's hair...just like all my lady friends out there. You know who you are. That's Don't be shy. You know it's true. Fine, we'll just agree to disagree. Have a great day...and I'll see you bright & early tomorrow morning. Booyakasha!!!

P.S. Congratulations to my favorite team, the San Antonio Spurs on winning another championship. That's now four NBA championships in the last 9 years. It's a shame that you couldn't win championships back when I was rooting for you in high school...but congratulations, nonetheless.

Where should I go next?