The Lives You Affect

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday, I spent the day with my brother and his family. You know, I wonder sometimes about when/if I go to Vegas, who's going to be affected here in Utah the most? My coworkers, they'll miss me but eventually get over it...and probably eventually stop emailing me (prove me wrong). My other friends, they'll miss me...but I don't see them that much anyway because they already live an hour or so away. My parents, they'll miss me a lot...but they'll call me every other night & visit every few months...because it's Vegas. However, the people that will be most affected...are my brother & sister-in-law. This became incredibly apparent yesterday as I was hanging out with them (well, my brother mostly). I showed up around noon & watched the kids for a bit. Here are some pictures...

My nephew Vinny's already tatted up

Sorry for the picture quality, but I just wanted

to show you how cool my niece is...

"High five!!!"

My niece is cute (and my hands are HUGE)

"Pound it!!! BOOM!!!"

"Now, hide from the other boys!!! That's my girl."

We watched "Wanted" with Angelina, James McAvoy (Mr. Tumnus), and Morgan Freeman. It's a great little shoot-em-up action flick by director Timur Bekmambetov who did the Russian Nightwatch, Daywatch, Baywatch vampire movies. It's about a league of assassins...and a Joe Nobody (McAvoy) who is recruited by them to save them from the assassin who killed his father...who left him when he was a week old. It should be a horrible movie, right? Well, it has great special effects and slow-motion, rewind, one-liner, faster-motion action sequences. It was a really exciting movie for the most part, funny (if you're a little twisted like me), but yeah, pretty bloody & extreme at times...so you've now been warned. I liked it a lot though. However, I think that one scene sums the movie up best (not Angelina's back shot on the commercials...though that's what peeked my interest) and it's the great Morgan Freeman, who's the head of this organization of assassins. Now, the man has played God, the President of the United States, a singing vampire on the Electric Company, and many other memorable roles...and to hear him say...in that wonderful narrator voice, "Shoot THIS mother (lover)!!!" just sends waves of guilty pleasure through my body (though not as much as Angelina). Check it out if you like R-rated shoot-em-up movies...and await the sequels.

Anyway, back to why my brother & sister-in-law are going to miss me...because I like to think this blog is about me...to a certain extent. About the time the movie was over, Ashley was coming home from work...and she was her usual hour or so late because she stopped by her old job to say hi to her friends. No big deal, right? This happens ALL the time. Hell, I've gotten used to it...but apparently my brother can't grasp this. So she comes home (by the way, she's one of the ladies that I've been talking to about menstruation the past few days) and he does the usual "Where you been?" and of course, she wasn't in a good mood anyway, so she cops an attitude & goes upstairs...so my brother rolls his eyes in my direction, which is man code for "See what I have to deal with?" My brother's not a gentle guy. At all. In fact, he's a jackass 99% of the time...if not more.

However, after a few minutes of talking at me in a loud tone of voice about his wife (not yelling...because he knows that I would leave instantly if he were yelling at me for no reason), I suggest that he go talk to her & see what's wrong...and if there's any way that you can help. So he gives me a weird look...and I say, "Just do it, bitch." He goes up there, I hear some soft baritone talking, then some soft soprano, then some more baritone, then louder soprano, then slightly louder baritone, then a second or two of silence (uh-oh), then some kind of screaming that I can hear through walls...then Vinny starts crying because he was awoken from his nap time...and then some jumbled noises upstairs...and then Kiel comes down with a crying baby. "So ugh...what's wrong?" "(Rolls eyes) She said nothing...and I said obviously something's wrong...then she flipped out...and now I have a crying baby in my arms. Thanks (brother)!!! Wait, correction...YOU have a crying baby in YOUR arms. I'm gonna make him some food." Ladies, we try. Even after all the advice that you've given me...and I've passed along to others, it doesn't help that when we try to show some concern, you flip out. I know it's not (necessarily) your fault...but at least we try. Long story short, I texted her shortly after (I wasn't going to bug her face-to-face) and cheered her up a little bit. She was worried about school, her family, her hormones, all that stuff. It happens.

Eventually she came down & hung with the kids (my mom even stopped by) and a good time was had by all. Then my mom left with the kids (staying at grandma's house so their mom could get a good night's sleep) so it was just me, my brother, & Ashley. Then the drama started again because my brother's a bit of an idiot & mentions...well, anything moments after a women handed her kids away for the night, is exhausted, and doing her lady thing. So now I'm in the house with an arguing couple again...not what I wanted to do with my afternoon. We decided the best thing to do was to go to my buddy Young Prodigy's house and let her talk with his pregnant girlfriend while he barbecued & hung out with him. It worked. Thank God.

Later that night, Ashley had gone to bed...and so Kiel & me went out back and talked about whatever...mostly me going to Vegas. He's deathly worried about being left alone with his wife apparently. He didn't say it in so many words...but he REALLY doesn't want me to go. "I'm only going to see you when we go down for our anniversary...and maybe when you're up for the holidays or something...but you're going to use those days off for trips to Europe & the Bahamas or something (he knows me well). Who am I going to talk to? All my friends are flakes." "Well...you're kind of an asshole too, dude. Maybe you should learn to talk with your wife. Most people make sure they can do that beforehand." "Still dude, you know I'm going to be calling you all the time." "And you know what I'm doing if I'm not answering, right?" "I hope so, man. If anybody I know deserves a good girlfriend, f**k buddy, wife, whatever, it's you. I hope you find one in Vegas...just stay away from those hoes, bro. I don't want you getting the clap or anything." "Well, that makes two of us."

That's really all I've got today, except I applied for that other new job in Vegas this morning. So yeah, he's gonna miss me...and Ashley's going to miss me (because she vents to me all the time too). The kids are going to miss me too (until they forget about me) but it just feels like Vegas is the next step for me. Don't know how to explain it. It's gonna be fun...but in the meantime, I'm just going to have to enjoy my time here in Utah...beginning with my $teve's Stayin' Here Rock Band Party tonight!!! Stop on by!!! If not, have a great night!!! Oh by the way, Rock Band 2 will be here later this year. Awesome, right?

Club Wet Gets a Worthy Plug

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday, I was feeling especially lazy when my mom gave me the idea of heading down to hang with her...and before she got off work, I would hang with my brother for a few hours. Cool beans. So I drove down there. Shorty after arriving there, I get a text from my sister-in-law asking if I was going to see some boobs with them. "I sure hope so...but Vinny's the one who usually gets the action when I'm around." (It's a bad breastfeeding joke)

Apparently, it was Dollar Draft Night at the best gentlemen's club in Utah (which is kind of like saying the best burger joint in India) called Club Wet in West Haven. Formerly the Play Pen, I had never heard of this place before my brother's bachelor party over a year ago...and it was awesome...and in the middle of redneck country. So instead of hanging out with my mom and not-my-kids last night, I went to see mostly naked, beautiful women dance seductively for dollars...and get frosty beverages for similar dollars...for about four hours...and all for less than forty bucks, even helping out my brother & sister-in-law with tips (because they're always broke). Kudos to Phoenix, Cali, April, and Mary Jane for their incredible show. Oh...and they have pool tables too...and a great sound system. If you're ever in the area, check it out...even if it's not really your thing...because they have a pool table...and dollar beers on Thursday nights.

I don't know if I may be getting immune to the allure of gentlemen's clubs...but though I had a great time hanging with my brother & his wife...and the scenery was excellent & exhilarating all at the same time. My mind was elsewhere a little bit. Sure my eyes rarely left the stage...but ever girating gesture, flexible position, and sexually explicit stare just made me think about Vegas (and the other thoughts that jump in a man's head when he sees such activities). I know, big surprise (sarcastically). Needless to say, they still haven't called...and seeing as it's around midnight on a Friday...I'm guessing that it'll be at least Monday before I hear anything (unless they do another Sunday afternoon surprise).

After the club, I drove back (I was the Designated Driver...and you should always have one...and probably me) and my sister-in-law Ashley was already not feeling good...long story short, she had a rough morning at school...but she's doing much better now. My brother & I starting watched "Aliens" and just as I was getting ready to sleep on his horribly uncomfortable sofabed, I get a wonderful call from Bubbles...saying that San Diego is beautiful and boring...and how she wishes that I was there with her to entertain her...and help her through her migraines. We talked for about ten minutes as I put her at some ease...and said good night. Apparently, she text me back an hour later saying that just talking to me made her feel better. See? Sometimes all you have to do is listen...and you can make somebody's day. Anyway, I found that out this morning...because I passed out right after hanging up with her despite watching "Aliens" just before it got to the good part.

This morning, I awoke at 7:30 because some jerkass decided to mow outside my brother's window...but then fell back asleep as I plotted how to make it look like an accident...and really woke up around 11 AM. Basically, the kids were brought back from grandma's (my mom's) and we hung out watching movies and playing. Then in the evening, they invited some friends over like Bartles & Jaymes and a few of Ashley's coworkers...and we had a little barbecue. Good eats. Here are some new pictures of Vinny & Kairi...

Vinny always looks excited...

Kairi is a great big sister

Well, have no idea what I'm going to do tomorrow...but if I were a real jetsetter, I'd be in San Diego hanging out with Bubbles and making her have fun...but she'll have to wait until next time when we take a weekend trip out there once I move to Vegas. Yup, still confident about the job. JL Clyde invited me to hang out at Pride with her this Sunday (yes, as in the Gay Pride Parade) and at first, I was reluctant...mostly for the reason that I'm not gay...but that's like saying that you don't go to a St. Patrick's Day Parade because you're not Irish. In the end, she may have convinced me by mentioning the pleasure of her company, a beer garden, free stuff, snow cones, music, people watching, more free stuff, protestors (that I can mess with), and gay men bringing their straight (probably bisexual) and horny female friends. She drives a good argument...and knows what I like. So we shall see. In the meantime, have a great weekend everybody!!! Happy 19th Birthday to Micah Rose!!!

Wherever God Takes Me

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night, I did end up going to see "Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay" with my Wingman, his dad Buck (who was also in town), and his brother...we'll call him Iceman, why not? It was kind of a last minute thing...and they wanted to come along. The Wingman & I thoroughly enjoyed the movie...because we had seen the original and enjoyed its irreverent, racist, marijuana-inspired, risque comedy. I'm not sure that the other two did...but whatever...I didn't pay for 'em. By the way, there were only two other people in the theatre on the only showing of the day. So from that nationwide gross of about $2500 pulled by the movie this weekend...about 1% of that was us. You're welcome. Just trying to do our part. So yeah, if you liked the first Harold & Kumar, you'll like the second one. Basically, two stoners on a plane to Amsterdam are mistaken for terrorists and thrown in Guantanamo Bay...then escape & trek across the country to prove their innocence. There's racist jokes, unicorns, Doogie, a Cyclops, sandwiches, a stirring speech from W, fantasy sequences, a whorehouse ran by Beverly D'Angelo, character development, and of course...more Doogie. Check it out...or if its not your style, don't. By the way, I did get a call near the end of the movie (round midnight) and I sincerely thought that it was Vegas...but it was my mom...which is almost as weird because her bedtime is like eight o'clock. Don't worry, she just lost her cell phone charger and thought she might have left it at my house last week.

This morning, I really didn't do much...except watch "The Best of the Colbert Report" and before I knew it...three hours had passed. Now, you all know that I think Stephen Colbert is hilarious, charismatic, and egocentric...which I like to think that I am...correction, KNOW that I am. What's in the Best of the Colbert Report? His historic first show where he introduced the word "Truthiness" which was later added to Merriam-Webster's Dictionary, the great metaphor-off with Sean Penn, ice cream three-way with Jane Fonda & Gloria Steinem, highlights from his green screen challenge, his best in the 435-part series "Better Know a District", his numerous awards & dedications including the naming of a bridge, eagle, junior league hockey team, airliner, ice cream, and so much more. Truly a great American idol.

Why was I watching it for three hours besides its sheer entertainment value? It was rainy today...and I did go for a few walks in the rain as I love to do (going to really miss rain down in Vegas) but at times it got quite torrential. Really glad that it cooled off though (going to miss that too). Also, today I had a meeting at work where I found out my schedule in the usual two weeks notice...and I was really zoned out for most of it. Sure, Captain Monty kept me entertained with the horrible things coming out of his mouth, Camb was telling me about her wedding plans, JL Clyde was laughing at me for some reason (because I was laughing to myself about turning everything my boss said into some kind of sexual metaphor), and all of that...but I was a little distracted because I was expecting Vegas to call (it just would have been TOO convenient) and I was told that another one of my coworkers died this morning.

Penelope is her name...and she was seriously one of the sweetest ladies you could ever hope to meet. We had known each other for the full ten years that I've worked there (God, it's been too long) and unfortunately, her time just ran out. That's really all that I can say...and it sucks horribly...because she's a sweetheart...but at least she's at peace, I guess. My condolences to her family & all the blog readers out there that knew her...and also called her Pe-Ne-Lope (like Cantelope) just to get a smile out of her.

After the meeting, I went to my dad's to hang out for a few...and was surprised that my nephew Canon was there spending the night. Not sure if I'm mentioned him before...because it has actually been a while since I've seen him...but he's my stepsister's son (she's the same age as me) and he's six years old...and just one of the most energetic, yet well-behaved kids that you could ever hope for. Oh yeah, he's in my Christmas entry with pictures, that's right. We had good times playing with Lincoln Logs, wrasslin', having tickle fights (undefeated champion right here y'all), and just having fun. Sweet kid...and of course, he loves his Uncle $teve...because I'm f**king awesome.

While he & his grandma (my stepmom) went to Mickey D's for dinner, my dad & I watched "Escape From New York" starring Kurt Russell & Isaac Hayes. I hadn't seen this movie in a long, long time...but yeah, it's a classic about a future where New York is basically a hellhole, the President crashes there, and a cycloptic badass named Snake Pliskin (Russell) is sent in to get him back from the powerful underground boss, the Duke (Hayes). Good times. They made a sequel set in LA called...get this, "Escape from L.A." about twenty years later...but yeah, this one's pretty good. Check it out if you like 80's badass movies...and I know a few of you out there do (lookin' at you, Bone Junior...who probably has both on DVD). Anyway, then I came home after Canon went to bed.

Let's see...what's on the schedule for tomorrow...oh yeah, nothing. Still just waiting for Vegas to call & decide that they want me to run their business. Still going to pack up what I want to keep and pawn off the rest (couches, books, PS2, all for cheap if anybody's interested out there). My mom called inviting me to head to her house for the weekend while she's babysitting my niece & nephew...and hell, I just may do that if I don't hear anything...because then they'd never be able to get a cell phone signal to me in the Fortress of Solitude. That'll show 'em. Regardless of what I have planned...or really don't, I'm sure that I'll have fun not working. Have a great day everybody!!! RIP Penelope!!! Oh...and have fun in San Diego, Bubbles!!! You're gonna love it!!! Be sure to check out the pandas...and see if my videos are helping them any. Oh, it looks promising...

Return of the Monarch

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Vinny has the Yellow Fever already…and he's not quite five months old. Last night, I got a text from my sister-in-law reading "Vinny likes Asians, just like Uncle $teve. Aren't you proud? I went to a Mary Kay party today and he was pulling the consultant." That's my nephew. Five months old and already a playa. I don't know ladies, what do you think? Is my nephew sexy?

He likes to cuddle...

Just look at those blue eyes...

He's a bad boy...

...and an evil genius.

I watched "The Money Pit" on Movieplex this morning starring Tom Hanks & Shelley Long. I had seen it a few times years ago...and it's pretty funny. It's about a lawyer named Walter (Hanks) and his girlfriend (Long) buying a steal of a deal, a million dollar home at $200,000...but then finding that it's a lemon and have to pour money into reconstruction...and the hilarity ensues. There's a lot of Buster Keaton-esque physical comedy and standard Tom Hanks wit throughout the movie. Oh...and a little comical drama thrown in when an ex-lover comes back into town...but its a guy with a funny accent...so it's all good. Maybe it's worth a rental if you're into Tom Hanks' early work...before he tried to be a real actor. I say give it a shot...but I'm easily amused.



I've also started packing up a few things...in anticipation of a job offer...but it's taking a long time. I'll probably call them later today...just because I kind of took the rest of the week off in anticipation. Oh yeah, I'm probably a little over confident...but that's just how I am. What else am I going to do? Watch movies all day? Keep telling people that I don't know about the job and haven't done anything about it? Besides, it takes my mind off it a little bit. People at work are obviously as optimistic as I am...but we shall see...and soon...and I'll keep you posted obviously. If you don't hear by text message or email or shrieking screams at the top of my lungs, then you'll read it on this blog.



Speaking of badass stuff, last night was the premiere of Season 3 of "Venture Brothers" on Adult Swim...and it was the usual splendor that I've come to expect from the series. Thanks again to the Mad Scientist for sharing this show with me. I've often wondered if I were to be a superhero (or more likely a supervillain) what my name & persona would be...and I have yet to come up with anything good...but as long as I have a Dr. Girlfriend (with a sexy baritone voice) then it really doesn't matter, their eyes will be on her.

Hill Valley Burns!!! - A fire through University Studios Hollywood destroyed the Hill Valley courthouse square (YES!!! INCLUDING THE CLOCK TOWER!!!) from "Back to the Future", a King Kong exhibit, a streetscape seen in many many movies, and thousands of videos chronicling Universal's movies & TV shows. Luckily nobody was hurt…and COO Ron Meyer said, "We have duplicates of everything. Nothing is lost forever." Which is good…but damage is estimated to be in the millions. Anybody who has been on the tram ride at the theme park knows these sets…and the park was closed Sunday…but reopened today. The blaze broke out on a sound stage featuring New York brownstone facades around 4:30 a.m. at the 400-acre property and the cause is under investigation. Firefighters did not comment if they were going to go down to Riverside Drive to see if Dr. Emmett Brown may have a solution to stop this from happening…but if he's successful, we'll never know. Good luck, Doc!!!



DNA Thieving Organism - Scientists report that some tiny freshwater organisms called Bdelloid Rotifers are able to survive so well…despite giving up sex 40 million years ago...because they steal genes from other organisms. They spring back into action after being dried out and also resist radiation. Their resilience is surprising, given that sex is used by an overwhelming majority of life forms to cope with changing circumstances (tell me about it…) by allowing organisms to get useful new genes and ditch harmful, mutated ones. The translucent, waterborne creatures, which range in size from 0.004 inch to 0.04 inch long (0.1 mm to 1 mm), lay eggs, but all their offspring are female. So Meselson's team looked at their DNA to see how they manage to survive…and apparently they steal DNA. Understanding how the animals acquire and make use of these new genes could have implications for medicine. Genetic mutations, which occur constantly in any living organism, underlie cancer, heart disease and various other diseases. Wouldn't it be sweet just to "borrow" genetic material from other organisms every so often? Think of the savings on plastic surgery. Acquire a Brazilian tan. You could get bat wings (hopefully they grow to scale) with the vision of an eagle. Get some cool tiger stripes. You could even grow delicious pomegranates…but then again, tearing them off may hurt a bit. The possibilities are endless. Well, until then, I guess these Bdelloid Rotifers will just have to enjoy this superpower…until we put them on the endangered species list too. Now for a Movie List (I was bored last night)



Tom Hanks Movies


Medal Winners


Gold - Forrest Gump (1994) - I talked about this fantastic movie yesterday…and that's all I've got to say about that.



Silver - Joe Versus the Volcano (1990) - The story of Joe Banks, a former firefighter turned downtrodden soul who is diagnosed by Dr. Ellison (Robert Stack) as having a brain cloud…and only a few weeks to live. His boss (Lloyd Bridges) offers him the chance of a lifetime…to live it up in New York for a few days, go on a journey to a small island in the South Pacific called Waponi Wu with help from his daughters (all played by Meg Ryan), and courageously sacrifice himself to the volcano…all expenses paid. It's a great flick with other stars like Dan Hedaya, Ossie Davis, Abe Vigoda, Amanda Plummer, and Barry McGovern as the world's greatest luggage salesman. "May you live to be a thousand years old!!!" Also, "Sleepless in Seattle" (1993) should get some love here because of the whole Tom Hanks / Meg Ryan thing…and I like that show…to a point. Joe v Volcano though…is ten times better.



Bronze - Apollo 13 (1995) - Great drama about the ill-fated shuttle mission…and I was forced to watch it several dozen times in school. That in high school & "Pete's Dragon" in elementary seemed to be shown for any occasion. "Okay kids, we've been talking about dragons, so we're gonna watch Pete's Dragon." "Okay kids, last week we talked about lighthouses…so Pete's Dragon it is." "Okay kids, we talked about cities with funny names like Passemaquati…so I think we'll watch Pete's Dragon today." Anyway, Apollo 13 is much more dramatic than Pete's Dragon…and with 80% less Mickey Rooney. This has an all-star cast of Gary Sinise, Ed Harris, Bill Paxton, Kathleen Quinlan, Kevin Bacon (reason it makes the list…mmm bacon), and it was even directed by Opey Taylor (Ron Howard). Great movie. I'm sure that you've all seen it.



Suggestion - Philadelphia (1993) - This movie made Tom Hanks a real actor (not just that funny guy from Big, Bachelor Party, Money Pit, and Turner & Hooch) and got him his first Academy Award. He's a lawyer who is fired from his firm…basically because he's a homosexual. This is against the law…so he hires a homophobic attorney (Denzel Washington with a moustache) to take his case. What follows is one of the greatest performances ever…and the scene where Hanks talks about the opera (I forget which one) basically gave me chills the first time that I saw this movie. That's why he's got the little gold man at home. Also, I liked the Coen Brothers film that he did "Ladykillers" (2003) and a kind of slow, dark drama "Road to Perdition" (2002) so check those out if you can. I don't think they were the biggest hits in his repertoire…but still worth a gander.



Flush It - You've Got Mail (1997) - Okay, I know earlier I raved about the other two Hanks / Ryan movies…but this was one too many. I also didn't think that "The Terminal" (2004) was that funny but Catherine Zeta-Jones was in it. They weren't horrible movies…just not my cup o' tea…and I had to find a Flush It. This was the closest I could come up with. Oh…and the ending of "Cast Away" (2000) should've been flushed too.

Future Watch - Da Vinci Code & Saving Private Ryan - Okay, this isn't a complete list…because I haven't seen these two movies…but perhaps I will one day. There's also the Da Vinci prequel that I guess he's going to make a bazillion dollars for doing…and Tom Hanks is just a great actor…so whatever he does, I'm sure it'll be awesome. Even if it's him starring in "Joe Versus Global Warming" or something.



Again, I'll keep you posted with what I find out when I find out. Hopefully later today. Have a great day everybody!!!

3-2-1 CONTACT!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

By the way, the title of this entry is because this is my 321st entry...and I loved that show as a kid. Anyway, last night I had a little bit of a scare. After I decided to call it an early night (wasn't feeling fantastic), I got a text message around midnight from my sister-in-law saying my nephew Vinny took a dive onto the floor. "Is he okay?" "He's acting like it. Nothing broken and pupils seem to be even. I'm a little freaked though." "Sounds like he just got a little curious...and found out that his head's still larger than his body. He'll be alright, you will be too. I dove out of my bed and off counters all the time and I still...OOOH, SHINY!!! ME WANT SHINY!!!" "Ha! Thanks dude, I needed the pep talk and the laugh." "No problem, it's what I'm here for...besides eye candy. Have a good night and give him a get better kiss from me too." "He raised his eyebrows. He would have smiled, but there is a boob in his mouth. Good night!" "I'll bet he would have. I always smile when I have a boob in my mouth. Peace out." If Vinny's anything like my brother & me were...he'll be climbing the cabinets to get to the cookie jar any day now. Believe me, my mom has plenty of stories about that kind of stuff...but you'll have to ask her. I hope Ashley's prepared for it. I know that Kiel is.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention that yesterday I watched "Pink Floyd's The Wall" for the first time since...well, I know that my dad loved this movie when I was a kid...and I kind of remember watching it with him when I was a little kid, like three or something...but yeah, first time as an adult. I ugh...loved the music, of course...because I was raised on Pink Floyd. The story was very jaunted and open to interpretation...but it's basically about the life of an English rock star named Pink (played by Bob Geldof of the Boomtown Rats) and his life is kind of told in a mixed-up timeline but basically, his father was killed in WWII, school was really messed up, drugs seemed like the answer, then it all kind of comes unraveled in crazy animation insight...and there's sexually active flowers, judges that speak through their anus, plenty of explosions and blood & guts, and smashing mirrors, and it's just a crazy movie...and I wasn't nearly as high as I should have been watching it. I did recognize a few of the actors though. Bob Hoskins ("Who Framed Roger Rabbit?") is the band manager and Michael Ensign is the hotel manager...as he was in "Ghostbusters" but yeah, it's a different kind of story...like a 90 minute music video. It doesn't have to make a whole lot of sense...because the money's for nothing and the chicks are free. Long live rock & roll.

This morning, I found out that I may not have to babysit until tomorrow because my cousin & mom will be showing up about the time that I'm leaving for work. So I thought that I'd celebrate a little bit...by watching a great action flick and getting my blood & guts fix for the day, by renting "Rambo" directed, written by, & starring Sylvester Stallone. Now, I'm a HUGE Stallone fan. Anybody who can become an international action superstar yet has no distinguishable form of verbal communication will always get my respect. When he directs, he does pretty good too. This movie was actually pretty well done. Yes, it's bloody as hell...and quite intense...but that's what you're expecting if you've seen the first three John Rambo movies. The story is...well, Rambo's a riverboat driver...and some missionaries want to go into Burma to give some relief aid in the midst of a genocide. Rambo drops them off...and they get captured. So now Rambo's asked to take some mercenaries (hiring by a church) to where he dropped them off...but of course, Rambo helps out. If you like action, check out this movie, it's got plenty of it...and a body count that rivals the latest natural disaster in Asia. Awesome to see Rambo kicking ass...even into his sixties. Kudos to Sly.

Then I showed up to work a little early to check with HR about a few things and the mail room to get some free boxes in case I need them soon. Obviously I'm getting a little overly optimistic...but I want to be prepared. I'd hate to be caught unprepared for something like this...and Vegas is obviously on my mind all the time for whatever reason. It just helps me with the anxiety & anticipation, I guess. I also had a wonderful ten-minute conversation over the phone with my stepdad about how to turn on my TV and PS3. Apparently it's more complicated than I give it credit for. "Okay, do you see the controller?" "I see a lot of remotes and stuff." "Okay, there's one connected to a big shiny black box by a cord, right? Pick that one up...and push the button in the middle." "Okay, nothing happened." "Okay, did you push the button?" "What button?" "The button in the middle of the controller?" "What controller?" "Just out of curiosity, what did you just do...that caused nothing to happen? I left it set up perfectly for you guys because I knew you now nothing about simple electronics." "Nothing." "(Silence) Okay. Did you turn anything on or off when you walked in the house?" "No." "Like maybe a light switch at the bottom of the stairs and then heard a bunch of stuff turn off?" "Ugh...no." "Are you sure?" "No." "Okay, well turn that switch back on...and I'll walk you through turning on my stuff." Good times. Here's some news...

Czech Modern Art? - A Czech artist was fined 60,000 koruna ( about $3,750) on Wednesday for replacing the glass in pedestrian crossing traffic lights with stencils of comical and vulgar figures. David Brudnak, 33, was also ordered to pay an additional 82,000 koruna by the Prague court for the damage done to around 50 traffic lights by his stunt in the capital in April last year. Pedestrians were confronted, for example, by an illuminated figure dangling from a hangman's noose and a legless man. Brudnak, along with other artists, was already facing criminal proceedings for inserting images of an atom bomb explosion into a public television weather and tourism broadcast in June last year. So the guy was basically fined ten grand for tampering with traffic lights. Now, the explosion on the weather & tourism broadcast, that would be a little funny...until I realized that it probably scared the hell out of some people. That poor meteorologist. "Tomorrow the skies are going to get a little cloudier with a 50% chance of rain...leveling off in the evenings with just some light sprinkles over here in the Eastern regions of GOD IN HEAVEN!!! DUCK UNDER YOUR DESKS!!!" Then a few seconds later. "Are we...are we live? (Clears throat) Ladies & gentlemen, my apologies for...the incident earlier. I was obviously startled over the images on the screen. Please forgive my outburst...and to the crew here at the studio, please forgive the smell. Anyway, looks like it's going to be a beautiful weekend after all...and now we're going to send it over to Vlad for the sports update. Vlad..."

That should do it for me today too. Really excited about the possibilities for Vegas...but yeah, just ready & waiting for the answer. I'll hopefully find out in the next few days. In the meantime, work until midnight tonight, baby-sit tomorrow, probably start packing up stuff just in case, and that's really about it. I'd also like to thank Amelia for writing me back...after silence for a few months. It's okay. You still rock!!! Have a great day everybody!!!

Hippos, Dragonflies, & Boobies

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday, my mom called to inform me that my Aunt Pat was being taken to the hospital because she had some internal bleeding & ulcers from around her stomach…so I was obviously a little worried. No need to fear though. I went and saw her this morning and she's doing fine now…and will be checking out of the hospital later today. The good news is that my mom got to spend the night here in town (aunt's ride home), so we hung out and talked about my move to Vegas & all the usual stuff. We had fun watching the news (both Fox 13 & "The Colbert Report") and breakfast this morning at the Belgian Waffle House. Delicious. Also, Bubbles was back in town and partying at Murphy's but I had to pass…due to my visitor…but we'll probably do something similar tonight. JJ's in town now too after a delayed flight. Good times. Oh…and my blind date called to reschedule for tomorrow night…so we'll see how that goes. In the meantime, here's some news.


Drive-By Special - Down at Max Motors in Butler, Missouri…they have a promotion that has quadrupled sales over the last few days. With every purchase of a new or used vehicle this Memorial Day Weekend…the dealership will throw in your choice of a $250 Gas Card…or $250 credit at a local gun shop. Now that's one-stop shopping. Of the more than 30 buyers at the time of this report, all but two have gone with the gun credit. Owner Mark Muller explains his reasoning for the promotion, "We did it because of Barack Obama. He said all those people in the Midwest, you've got to have compassion for them because they're clinging to their guns and their Bibles. I found that quite offensive. We all go to church on Sunday and we all carry guns. I've got a gun in my pocket right now, (Shows off his Kel-Tec .380 pistol) I have a rifle in my truck. We've got to shoot the coyotes out here, they're attacking our cows, our chickens. We're not clinging to nothing. We're just damn glad to live in a free country where you can have a gun if you want. This is the way it ought to be." See? Barack's already stimulating the economy. It's part of his whole "Reverse Psychology Stereotype Approach" for Bush's Stimulus Package, where he'll point out a stereotype of a group of people…and they take it to the bank. Not because it's a stereotype…but because it's practical to their environment & culture. Wait for another off-the-collar remark about Immigrant Workers…and watch a sales increase in tortillas & tequila…or Inner-City African-Americans…and watch the sales increase of menthol cigarettes and fried chicken. Even my fellow Utahns…and stock in Jell-O, cheesy potatoes, and baby formula will go through the roof. Not because they're stereotypes…but because they're so damn delicious (yes, even the baby formula). Or more comments about Elitists in Washington…and watch the steadily increasing sales of hybrid cars, beluga caviar, and prostitution. I'm not an economist (gasp!) but this just might work. Good luck, Senator Obama!!!


New Endangered Species Class - The Wildlife Conservation Society has released a list of the "Rarest of the Rare," a dozen animals most in danger of extinction. You may be able to still see a few of these in captivity (San Diego Zoo?) but I thought that I would give each member of this exclusive and beautiful list their own spotlight on this entry…so if you'll please, help us to save the following animals.


Abbott's Booby - This majestic seabird (obviously named by a sex-starved sailor named Abbott in the 19th century) breeds on Christmas Island, a remote Australian island in the Indian Ocean, where everyday is Christmas. The introduction of yellow crazy ants (they're real, I checked) to Easter Island (where it's always Easter?) has severely altered their nesting habitat. Unfortunately, relocation to Mother's Day Island proved unsuccessful but I believe efforts are being taken to establish a small sanctuary on Thanksgiving Island…but that may just be a trap by the locals for a great feast.



Addax - A nocturnal antelope species with long spiral horns, found in the sand dunes of the Sahara Desert. Gee, I wonder why this mammal would be nocturnal. Oh yeah, because it's in the Sahara Desert. Addax sounds familiar to me…like he was a character on Tron or some other sci-fi movie. Any ideas? Oh well, I'll Google it.



Angel Shark - Bottom-dwelling, nocturnal predators once common throughout the Northeast Atlantic Ocean and the Mediterranean and Black seas, but now critically endangered. The sharks were long considered of no commercial interest, but in 1978, Michael Wagner, a fish processor in Santa Barbara began to promote angel sharks and 310 metric tons were taken off California in 1984. The fishery devastated the population and is now regulated…soon to be halted, I'm guessing.



Bengal Florican - A large terrestrial bustard bird native to Cambodia, Nepal, Vietnam, and India. Don't feel bad. I thought it was a kind of tiger too. Oh…and in case you were wondering what a Bustard Bird is…they're the large birds that walk on land mostly and tend to be in dry open areas.



Black-Faced Lion Tamarin - A small minstrel-like primate that sleeps in tree holes dug out by woodpeckers and feeds on insects, fruit, and plants. This species was discovered on the island of Superagui, Brazil, in 1990…but now, there are only about 400 left in the wild.



Burmese Roofed Turtle - One of Myanmar's seven native turtles, once abundant in the major rivers of central and southern Burma, threatened by hunting and egg poaching….and those hurricanes probably didn't help too much.



Dragonflies of Sri Lanka - Of the 53 endemic species of dragonfly found in Sri Lanka, at least 20 are threatened. Meanwhile, the Mexican Staring Tree Frog of Sri Lanka remains at large (sorry, it's a South Park joke). Maybe we should just…give them some of ours. Would that work? I'm sure that we could spare a few.



Golden Arrow Poison Frog - A beautiful and deadly amphibian native to Panama, threatened by a highly-infectious fungal disease (warts?). Then again, maybe that poison coursing through him…and piss & vinegar in his veins have made him a horrible neighbor in the jungle…and the primates of the region are wizening up…and just crush them with rocks to avoid contact. What will the native tribes use to poison their arrows now? Might I suggest oil from the equipment used to deforest your land? Make that stuff work for you a little bit.



North Atlantic Right Whale - Hunted since the 10th century, only about 350 of these slow-moving, hundred-ton cetaceans remain. FYI - If you're wondering why they're called Right Whales…it's because whalers thought the whales were the "right" ones to hunt, as they float when killed and often swim within sight of the shore. That's not a joke…yet I still giggled a bit. Does that make me evil?



Ricord's Iguana - A reptile native to two isolated locations in the arid southwestern Dominican Republic. Honestly, there are only so many that one man can take care of. Perhaps Ricord should get some help…and maybe that will help them thrive…but maybe he prefers living on his own isolated islands…and you can't hate on that.



Pygmy Hippopotamus - A small hippo from the Upper Guinean Forest of Liberia, Guinea, Ivory Coast, and Sierra Leone (you know, Diamond Country), they actually used to have species all along the Mediterranean as well…on islands such as Crete and Sicily. In 1927, Harvey Firestone of Firestone Tires presented Billy the pygmy hippo to U.S. President Calvin Coolidge. Coolidge donated Billy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park. According to the zoo, Billy is a common ancestor to most pygmy hippos in U.S. zoos today. Quite the gift, the Shetland Pony of River Horses (trust me, it's Latin).



Sumatran Rhino - Also known as the hairy or Asian two-horned rhinoceros, fewer than 300 survive today in the subtropical and tropical dry forests of Indonesia and Malaysia (but not Sumatra). The last descendant of the Woolly Rhino may be on its way to joining the ancestor.



Anyway, sorry if that was a little depressing…but I just thought I'd give them a little notoriety before they're gone. Can't wait to hang out with Bubbles, JJ, and anybody else who may be willing to party tonight. Oh...and my nephew Vinny had his checkup yesterday. He's 14 pounds, 3 ounces and 23 inches tall already (my 18-month old niece Kairi was 28 inches in March) and the doctor says he already has above average intelligence for his age. Not sure entirely what that means...except maybe that he has good genes. Have a groovy weekend everybody!!! Have fun & be safe!!!