A Brick Wants to Be Something More

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

There have been a few people who have said, "$teve, you haven't mentioned any of your kooky dreams lately. Are you still having them…or just not writing about them?" The truth is that if I were having good, entertaining dreams…then I would be more than happy to share them with you. However, for example, this morning I awoke to find myself lying with a beautiful, long dark-haired woman yearning for my touch…so I obliged her. Slowly but surely though, that damn logic of mine started kicking in. "Wait, I didn't go to bed with anybody last night. Oh crap, I'm dreaming again." Almost as instantly as I realized it, she started to fade away…like a ghost. "No, dammit. Go back to sleep, $teve. Deep breaths. You know she's not real…but you're still gonna lose her…" and then she evaporated in a heavy-panting mist leaving behind only a few warm blankets and silky sheets. It's a running theme with me. The more that I think about something, the more it seems to slip away, especially with dreams. Logic has become a pain in the ass for me. Wish I could say it was the first time (this week) that a dream like that has happened…but it's not. Why don't I share these dreams with you? Because you're probably already bored of me talking about this one…and it's not even a full paragraph. You like hearing about my frustration as much as I do…but rest assured, if I'm ever saving Australian scientists from giant snakes or saving Foxy from Transformers or saving kids from a tornado or anything else like that, I'll be sure to share them with you. Wow, I just realized that most of my dreams end up with me saving people. Maybe there's something to that...then again, I was also scared that I made sweet Love to a Terminator too. Anyway, I hope that answers all your questions that you may or may not have asked.

Yesterday, I officially applied for that THIRD job in Vegas so we'll see how that goes over the next few weeks. I'm expecting the other two to start making offers (or at least interview) soon…because I'll be out of town the next two weeks and it'd be inconvenient…which seems to be their style. It's all good though. I would love to do an interview while driving 80 MPH as I pass Lamont, Wyoming (population 3) where there may or may not be cellular phone reception with my mom talking in the seat next to me about changing the radio station because she doesn't like the song & doesn't know how to use buttons…then when the question comes up about multi-tasking, I will just laugh.

I also watched a movie that I hadn't seen before, "Indecent Proposal" with Demi Moore, Woody Harrelson, and Robert Redford. For the few of you who may not have heard about this movie, a billionaire (Redford) is gambling at a Vegas casino and his eye catches a lovely couple (Harrelson & Moore) and he invited them over for good luck. It proves effective, so he invites them up to his suite to discuss a proposition of one million dollars…for one night with your wife. Now, think about that for a moment. I have a good job that pays about well…but a million bucks is me AND my wife's salary for over the next decade…and it's offered in one night. Then comes in the Logic vs. Love conflict that made this movie really hard to watch…yet I couldn't turn away. Anyway, they go through with it (honestly, who wouldn't really? REALLY? Be honest, I won't judge). Redford's smitten with her…and he's a billionaire. Moore thinks that he's a great guy (and dynamite in the sack) but she's married. Woody's obsessed & insanely jealous because a billionaire just had relations with his wife. Conflict ensues…and I'd love to tell you how it ends…but I won't. You'll have to see it. I'll give you a hint though…a Hippo is involved. Now I know you're intrigued.

Anyway, back to the main question that the movie brings up: Would you do it? Now, you all know my resume (or lack thereof) when it comes to relationships. So keep that in mind, that I may be entirely & ignorantly blissful…or completely cynical at any time. Now, I'd like to say that I wouldn't even consider the offer because we can get by well enough without a million bucks (which would be less than half after taxes & stuff probably anyway). As it happens in this movie (and I would assume in real life if it ever came up), it was only considered after the wife brought it up as an option (since she's basically earning it) because who doesn't want to be a billionaire's girl…even for one night? So then you negotiate for more money (might as well) which didn't happen in this movie because he didn't speak with his lawyer first. Even then, I would think that if you were really in Love and trusted your partner, then it wouldn't be an issue. Sure, you'd have your thoughts…because again, who doesn't want to be a billionaire's girl…even for one night? Yeah, it's just a twisted little scenario…but I would think that Love would come through…because I'm an optimist. Worst-case, you lose out to a billionaire Robert Redford…and even though your heart is shattered into a million pieces, at least you didn't lose out to Bubba the car mechanic with a meth addiction. I don't know. What do you think? Discuss.

Best part of the day was in the evening when I hosted the $teve's Stayin' Here Rock Band party. There were a few last minute cancellations but Lilie, Mandy, Cat, Julie, and a few of the boy toys showed up and we had a rockin' evening well into the night. Great time was had by all!!! Here are some pictures…

The projector TV wall...and Sinatra on the right

Kyle & me guitar dueling to "Green Grass & High Tides"

Oh yeah, I'm $teve DeSexy

DAMMIT!!! - So apparently the reports about Megan Fox & Brian Austin Green calling off their engagement were grossly misinformed. According to an interview in TV Guide (really?), Green says "We're solid. We've lived together for three years. We have tattoos of each other's names. We have more time away from each other right now than we'd like." I'll bet. She's working. Hell, I wouldn't want to leave her side (or get dressed). Interesting thing though, he wants kids…and she's said that she's not ready for all that…but they're getting a petting zoo or sorts, which is a great compromise. "We have a potbellied pig, we have dogs, two cats, two birds a squirrel…and Megan wants a leopard - that'll never happen! That's a whole different world." Okay, I'm all for obeying laws and all of that…but if my baby wants a leopard, my baby's getting a leopard…or at the very least, a leopard-like cat…maybe a Lynx or an Ocelot. PETA would have a field day…but my Fox would have her kitty & a huge smile on her face…so it's all worth it. Anyway, it's great to hear that they're together & doing fine. I'm sorry for believing everything that I read in smut magazines…like Brett Favre retiring too. Seriously, what's going on with that?

Can't Wait for the Craziness - Police in Las Vegas say they arrested a naked man who stole a beer and then hijacked a bus several miles northeast of the Strip. A police spokesman says the man fled from a convenience store when an officer arrived to investigate a report of a shoplifter Tuesday. The man allegedly punched in a back window of a Citizens Area Transit bus, climbed aboard, forced the driver off, drove the bus about 200 yards and then jumped off the moving vehicle. A police officer climbed aboard the bus and stopped the vehicle. Police say the man was arrested on felony charges and given clothes and a mental evaluation. Do you see why I want to move to this place? Craziness & excitement everywhere…or at least near the Strip. It would be like a homecoming of sorts. Besides, it makes riding the bus a fun activity…until the new nude bus driver suddenly gets of on the next stop and forgets to put the bus in park. Good times.

Is It Chile In Here? - A stripper who danced on the poles of Santiago subway trains to challenge the prudishness of Chilean society was arrested on Thursday during one of her lightning performances. Monserrat Morilles, 26, surprised subway riders all week stripping to skimpy underwear, but she refused tips. Nice! She said she was protesting a lack of tolerance in Chile, one of Latin America's most conservative societies where the first generation since the Pinochet dictatorship is reaching adulthood. "This is just a beginning. We are starting an idea here that will grow and be developed further." The professional pole dancer worked quickly all week to avoid arrest, getting on at one station, finding a subway car with no children on it and stripping in time to exit at the next station. Chilean media dubbed her "La Diosa del Metro" or Subway Goddess. She called her performances "happy minutes." Her manager Gustavo Pradenas said, "Chile is still a pretty timid country. People aren't very extroverted and we want to take aim at that and make Chile a happier country." Fantastic. I like this idea. Ladies, do you think that America's a prudish nation like I do? Join me. We shall take it to the subway poles, the street's light poles, the barber poles, election polls, wherever the people are…that is where we will show them what of what we're made and the good Lord gave. Viva la Revolution!!!

Also gentlemen, based on sworn testimony, here's a list of things that will help out your lady when she's having that exceptionally touchy time:

• Sex (apparently it works)


• Exercise (preferably sex)


• Heat & Ice cream (interesting combination)


• Chocolate, hot tea, caffeine in general


• Ibuprofen & birth control pills


• Compliments


• Showing that you care


• Lots of sweetness, hugs, massages, etc.


• Make her laugh & don't piss her off (like calling her a fatty)

Thanks for the info, ladies. If anything else comes up, please feel free to share...and guys, remember this stuff next time it comes up. No need to thank me, just pay it forward.

Anyway, that'll do it for me for today. Tomorrow morning, I leave on my two-week vacation with my mom…and I'm not sure what kind of email access I'll have…but I'll try to keep you updated & entertained when I can. Honestly, if I hear anything about getting a job in Vegas, you'll probably hear my screams of joy across the countryside before you get an email from me anyway. So keep your ears open…and have a great time everybody!!! See ya soon...

You're My Boy, Blue!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I'd like to start things off by wishing a happy first anniversary to Mr. & Mrs. Wingman on this 7th of July. Can't wait until I live within shouting distance...but in the meantime, I am going to celebrate staying in Utah for the time being...with a Rock Band party this Friday, so if you're interested. Feel free to stop by. There will be booze, charred mammal flesh, edamame, shadow puppets, the company of great people, and Rock Band with 7.1 Dolby Digital Surround Sound & projected on an over 200 inch screen (wall). Good times & lots of fun.

Yesterday, I didn't do much during the day except watch TV movie versions of "Kill Bill" (Party Wagon? Seriously?), "Ultraviolet" (my Milla fix), and possibly one of the most thoroughly funny movies ever made by man...Old School. Seriously, is there more than a minute in that movie where you don't laugh hysterically? Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn, Luke Wilson, even cameos by Sean William Scott, Jeremy Piven, and Juliette Lewis are hilarious.

Based on a suggestion from the Mad Scientist though, I decided to finally go to a coffee shop and try to pick up on girls...awkwardly yet charmingly. So I went down to one of the local Beans & Brews (two within walking distance), order a Mr. B (I don't know what's in it...but I'm guessing it contains delicious crack), set up my laptop, and basically wait for people to show up...because it was a Sunday afternoon. While there, I basically just sent emails to JL Clyde to entertain her at work & checked out the news (pan down if interested). The beverage was delicious...but in the two hours that I was there...the only girl there without her boyfriend was the girl that made my beverage...and I wasn't going after her. It was later suggested that I try a place near the university which makes perfect sense...and instead of just pratting along on my keyboard...to read a book of poetry or something. Conveniently, I do have a few poetry books...that I've actually read a few times...and memorized a few back in high school (to impress the female nerds in the clubs that I was in) but mostly John Donne. So if somebody inquires about my reading...and they like their 16th century preacher poets who wrote beautiful love poetry to their jailbait nieces, then I'm good to go. Great ice breaker right there. More attempts to be mysterious & interesting later...but I think I'm too open for all that. What do you think? Based on what you've read about me on this blog...would you be interested...or am I EXACTLY what you're trying to avoid?

This morning, I helped my dad pick up an old stereo that somebody he works with (moving to Reno) was giving away...but that's not all. It was an original 1963 Pioneer stereo system with a record turntable, cassette player (probably one fo the first years), AM/FM phonograph (kid you not, that's what it said on the owner's manual...and yes, the owner's manual was with it), two CS series speakers (medium size 8" woofers), and a collection of records that was simply amazing. I'm talking the Beatles "Revolver" album, original Lynyrd Skynyrd (including the revoked one after their plane crash), Led Zeppelin "Houses of the Holy", the Ventures, the Holy Bible as narrated by the Statler Brothers, Perry Como, Bob Seger, ten kinds of Clapton (Byrds, Derek & the Dominos, God himself, etc), and many many many more with some great value to them. Thanks Ruby!!! You rock!!! Anyway, here's some news while I'm at work...

Panda Update - A panda who was relocated after China's deadly earthquake damaged her home gave birth to twin cubs on Sunday. Guo Guo is the first panda to give birth since the 7.9-magnitude quake struck Sichuan province on May 12, killing nearly 70,000 people and leaving 5 million homeless. One cub weighed 6 ounces and Guo Guo was cuddling the other cub and staffers at the Bifengxia Giant Panda Base were not able to weigh it. The report did not give the sex of the twins. This is awesome news...because not only are the pandas breeding...bu they're doing so in Brangelina fashion...two at a time. Maybe the techniques that I kept telling them about when I was over there in China are finally starting to pay off three years later. Yeah, I know. I should be used to being right all the time...but it still startles me once in a while...because statistically, I have to be wrong at least once in a while, right? It's simple mathematics & probability. Anyway, congratulations to Guo Guo & now...during the next hundred days, I'm sure they'll have a contest to name the twins...and might I suggest Ren & Stimpy...or whatever that translates to in Chinese (probably "Angry Rat Dog" & "Nasty Pussy Cat" or something). Maybe they can just wait until Angelina has her litter...and copy them. I still think Ling Ling's a good strong name too. Any other suggestions? (God help you if you say Mary Kate & Ashley)

Pompeii Update - Now, I may have mentioned during my travels there in November that I've always wanted to make a movie about Pompeii now that we have CGI technology & the option of an orgy scene in the movie industry...not like "The Last Days of Pompeii" back in the 50's. However, the Italian government declared a state of emergency at the Pompeii archaeological site on Friday to try to rescue one of the world's most important cultural treasures from decades of neglect. A cabinet statement said it would appoint a special commissioner for Pompeii, the ancient Roman city buried by an eruption of the Vesuvius volcano in AD 79 and now a UNESCO World Heritage site. Archaeologists and art historians have long complained about the poor upkeep of Pompeii, dogged by lack of investment, mismanagement, litter and looting. Bogus tour guides, illegal parking attendants and stray dogs also plague visitors. (But the dogs are really cute & friendly though) Some 2.5 million tourists visit Pompeii each year, making it one of Italy's most popular attractions, and many have expressed shock at the site's decay. Basically, the report says that at least 150 square meters of fresco & plaster work are lost each year due to erosion (and probably unlicensed patron souveniors) and preservation that started thirty years ago isn't cutting it. In fact, the parts of the city that haven't been excavated yet...are literally a trash dump for the nearby city of Naples and is scattered with tires, fridges, and mattresses. Truly sad...but I'm sure that the Italian government will find a way to preserve this incredible place. I mean...it's not like they've elected porn stars or anything. Oh wait...maybe we should help them out. Nah, the Euro's stronger than the dollar now. It's their problem. Feel free to check out my pictures from last year.

Wax Figures: The New Clowns? - In our pursuit to preserve history, sometimes we do some silly things. We've turned the Leaning Tower of Pisa into a symbol of a great nation full or sooooo many cooler things. We display bones of people & giant animals that no longer exist in museums...and yet there's still a market for endangered animal skins. However, wax museums are filled with figures of humans throughout history to...well, basically show just how creepy it would be to see them frozen in time...in three dimensions. Like you went back to a moment in time...yet were frozen there (so you could give Napoleon a wedgie or put his hand down his pants instead of in his lapel or something). Now, they recently opened a Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum in Berlin...and of course, when you think of the history of Germany, who's the first person that comes into mind? No, not David Hasselhoff, the other guy. No, not Dirk Nowitzki, shorter...with a silly moustache. Geraldo's not German, not even close. I'm talking about Hitler. Anyway, on opening day a 41-year old German man tore the head off the Hitler wax figure and I'm guessing the authorities stopped him before he could skull f**k the former German dictator responsible for the death of millions.

Now, the interesting thing about this story in my opinion, is that it is illegal in Germany to show Nazi symbols and art glorifying Hitler and the exhibit was cordoned off to stop visitors posing with him. Unobtrusive signs asked visitors to refrain from taking photos or posing with Hitler "out of respect for the millions of people who died during World War Two". Camera surveillance and museum officials were meant to stop inappropriate behaviour. Institutions such as the foundation for Germany's central Holocaust memorial site condemned the idea of the exhibit as tasteless, saying it had been included to generate business...so why did this seem like a good idea to the museum? When I went to the Wax Museum in Barcelona, they had a whole array of Socialist dictators on display...but they're still a Socialist nation. It just seems...obviously they saw it coming, hence the security around the figure. It's like opening one of those wax museums in Detroit and having a Klan leader figure next to Osama Bin Ladin. Somebody's going to get shot...and that's probably before the museum opens. Anyway, it's just weird, I guess.

Well, that'll do it for me today. Have a groovy day...and I'll probably see ya tomorrow. Happy Anniversary to the Wingmans once again!!! "Brown chicka brown brown, brown chicky chicky brown..."

Thou Shalt Love the Tentacle

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Happy Independence Day to all of you!!! Also, happy Anniversary to my dad & stepmom!!! (I think it's 11 years now...but it's not my job to keep track) Also, a happy birthday to Geraldo Rivera while I'm at it. He turns 65 years old today. His moustache is 62. Yesterday was an incredibly laid-back day. I basically ran a few errands before it reached 100 again...and then watched a "Burn Notice" marathon on USA the rest of the day while cleaning up around the house. Bubbles stopped by around 9:30 after spending the day with her sister & her family...and then we picked up her mom to hang out, have a few drinks, and watch "Bad Santa" starring Billy Bob Thornton. Great flick. Christmas classic...like "It's A Wonderful Life" but the exact opposite. That's really about it from yesterday. Around 1:30, I dropped them off, drove home, and went to bed.


This morning, I watched a movie loaned to me by the Mad Scientist called "Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs" recently released on DVD. Now, if you like Futurama, you'll greatly enjoy this movie. If you've never seen Futurama, you may end up scratching your head half the time...but it'll still get a few cheap laughs out of you. Basically, the story is set in the year 3000 (or so) about the lead character Fry (from the 20th century but cryogenically frozen and revived a thousand years later) and long story short, he's bummed. He fell in love with a girl...and found out she was a bit of a harlot. It happens. So feeling lonely & loveless, he strolls into an anamoly (tear in space into another dimension) and meets up with...an enormous tentacled creature who wants nothing more than to make love to all the beings of the Gamma Universe (ours) now that it's free for its isolation in the other dimension. Anyway, I do a poor job of summary...so feel free to check out the movie yourself. If you like cartoons geared at a demographic of ages 18-30, then you'll love it.


Today I'm working late, then heading over to a party that my buddy Brooklyn invited me to that's being hosted by her friend Boston. It should be a good time. Oddly enough, it was this time last year when I first introduced to a lovely young lady by the name of Megan Fox...and then just in time for Independence Day, I get news that...


Megan Fox is SINGLE!!! - Transformers star & Maxim Magazine's Hottest Woman Alive Megan Fox has reportedly called off her engagement to former Beverly Hills 90210 actor Brian Austin Green. The 22-year-old actress is said to have ended her four-year relationship with the 34-year-old because she feels too young to settle down. A source close to Fox said: "Megan still cares about Brian, but she now realizes she's too young to marry him." Now, obviously I think Brian Austin Green should be on Suicide Watch for the next few days...but eventually he'll get over it...because God damn it, he had a four-year relationship with Megan Fox...from legal to 22. By the way, he finished second in the Luckiest Man Alive nominations that I decided on St. Patrick's Day (losing out to NBA player Marko Jaric, who's now engaged to Adriana Lima) but anyway, he'll be fine. Megan will also be fine...in fact, apparently she's been fine as frog's hair since the day she was born.


Now, do I think that I have a chance with her? Sure, but only if she knows what's good for her. If she's just going out to sow her wild oats (think about that for a minute...and try not to black out) then she'll probably go out with some douche who will treat her like sh*t and she'll think that all men are evil monkeys or something. Then a few years later, she'll look for a great guy like me (only better looking & richer). It's how most women are. Do I sound bitter? Well, I am a little bit. Feel free to prove me wrong. I've pretty much decided that I'm going to make a great second husband for some lucky woman out there. Only when they've been there, done that, got f**ked over, and now want to do it the right way. Then they're lucky enough to stumble upon a diamond like me. In the meantime, I'll just do the best I can, try not to get f**ked over myself, and wait for Karma to come back around. Anyway, best of luck to both of you, Megan & Brian!!! May you find the kind of Love that makes both of you complete and happy for ever & ever!!!


Teamless in Seattle - After years of discussion & lawsuits, the Seattle SuperSonics will move to Oklahoma City next season after reaching a settlement with the city of Seattle, ending the 41-year Seattle team history. The city of Seattle will be paid $45 million up front and Sonics owner (and OKC native) Clay Bennet will pay an additional $30 million in five years if the city is unable to secure another NBA team. That's $75 million...and the team's name and colors will remain in Seattle. Tell me that divorce isn't expensive...even with sports teams. The announcement came just hours before a federal judge was to issue a ruling in a lawsuit between the city and the Sonics over the KeyArena lease. The city had sued the Sonics to try to force the team to continue playing in Seattle through the end of the lease in 2010. So starting next year, the team owner has brought an NBA franchise to his hometown...and now they just have to come up with a team name & colors before the season starts around Halloween.


My suggestions from nearly a year ago still sound like good ideas to me. Don't remember? Well, here they are again...for your convenience (and hopefully a 2% cut from profits of this new Oklahoma City franchise's merchandise sales). Originally, the OKC Sonics would have worked because fast food chain Sonic's headquarters are there...but the team name has to stay in Seattle. So a close second in my would be the Bombers (unless it's still too soon, of course). Let's see what OKC is famous for. There's the warehouse district turned trendy shopping area called Bricktown...so the OKC Bricks? No, that's really bad for a basketball team. It's known as the 'Horse Show Capital of the World' so how about the OKC Horses? Or Clydesdales? There's that whole Grapes of Wrath Dust Bowl thing, so how about the Dusters? Anyway, best of luck to you Mr. Bennet. Congratulations on realizing your dream...and my condolences to the city of Seattle (psst, see if you can get the Clippers to move up there or something...because nobody cares about them in Los Angeles).


Also, speaking of team colors & whatnot, the ULTIMATE CHALLENGE is still on-going & awaiting your entry. The Great Mediocre Gatsby has already expressed interest & I can only assume is painstakingly overseeing every aspect of the Flag of $tevonia's design between projects ranging from space exploration to hallucinogenic pancake research. I'm curious to see what kind of incredible ideas you can come up with. You could be the next Betsy Ross or Ross Betsy and win the plethora of prizes.


Anyway, I hope that all of you have a wonderful 4th of July weekend with your family & friends. Be safe out there...and remember, don't drink & drive...and don't drink & light fireworks either. Let the kids do it. They're smaller targets & have faster reflexes. Have a great weekend!!! (Megan, call me)

It's just like the tattoo says, "There once was a little girl

who never knew Love until a boy broke her heart"

(then she called Dr. Mookie Love on his cell & arranged a rendezvous)

HOLLA!!!

Happy Memorial Day

Happy Memorial Day Ladies & Gentlemen,

I guess we'll start with my blind date last night...because I really didn't do much of anything except laundry & surveying my stuff for a future move. So I went to pick her up...and found her place a little earlier than expected, so about twenty minutes early. I ring the doorbell...and a few seconds later, a very petite girl (maybe 14 years old) answered the door. "Hi, is (date) here?" "That's me." "Oh! Well hello then, I'm $teve." Really? Well, okay. I've dated extremely petite girls before...and she had some nice eyes. We'll give her a shot...and I'll try to get over the feeling that I'm taking my niece to dinner or something. By the way, she's 24 years old...but just looks really young...just to get that out of the way...because as you may have heard, I've dated much younger girls before...but early bloomers.

Not knowing the city where she lives, I asked her if there was any place that she would recommend nearby...and she directed me to a Chinese restaurant. Along the way, we made small talk...but it was honestly VERY hard to hear her. She seemed extremely shy...and so only spoke in about the 20 decibel range. We get to the restaurant and continue our small talk...but she seems particularly stuck on discussing "American Idol" and specifically how much she thinks David Cook is super cute...and how she normally doesn't like facial hair, but his is different, and he plays guitar, and she's going to see him on July 14th, and...then I kind of blacked out for a few minutes...then regained consciousness in time to hear her talking about what she would do if she met him in person...and not nearly as hot as I was expecting. She seems extremely LDS...which is sweet & all...but may not be the girl that I'm looking for.

So I try to change the subject from American Idol to things that she does for fun. "Nothing really...just hanging with friends once in a while." "Cool, how about other shows that you like to watch?" "Friends, Seinfeld, I have all the seasons of Charmed, Supernatural..." basically listing off all the shows that I despise. "Nice, I've seen a few episodes of Charmed. How about cartoons?" "What do you mean?" "Like Simpsons, South Park, Family Guy, stuff like that?" "Oh man...I watch Simpsons once in a while...but then I'll see Homer choke Bart and his eyes bug out...and it's just stupid. Family Guy's even worse. It's not even funny." (Signaling to the waiter for the check) By the way, I ordered something that I had never seen before called Strawberry Chicken...and it's exactly what it sounds like.

After that, she continued to ramble on again about David Cook...and the brothers on Supernatural...and I was just laughing to myself but keeping her entertained by going along with it...and eventually dropped her off. Now, I may sound like a cold-hearted dude in simplifying this date...but yeah, we really didn't hit it off at all...and have absolutely nothing in common. She was a cute girl though...and I wish her the best. I also casually mentioned a few times during the date that I had spent the last week in Vegas looking for a job...so my exit strategy has been established. I'm guessing that she wasn't too impressed by me in any case. Great way to spend an hour though...and she had a great time. Even I had a good time.

After the date, I went to my brother's where he was having a barbecue...and let me tell you, nothing gets the taste of strawberry chicken out of your mouth like a brat with honey mustard and a few cold Bud Lights. His neighbor Harry Balzonia and his family was there too. He's a cool cat. Not sure if I mentioned him before...but he and my brother get along well. After a few hours there, I went up to my mom's house to spend the night...then we woke up, cooked up some sausage & eggs, and then she volunteered me to babysit my cousin the next few days while my aunt's having surgery. What are mom's for, right? She was sure to do it before telling me about it...so that if I said no, I would be the dick. My mom's a lot of things...but stupid isn't one of them...usually. Here are some pictures from my mom's home in Eden...and a tree that almost hit during the storms this past week.

The Gargoyle doesn't seem amused...

View from the backyard

My own waterfall...

The pictures don't really do it justice...

but you can see my Poor Man's Maybach

Then we went to my brother's and had another barbecue, hung out there for a few hours watching the X-Men animated series that I haven't seen since I was a kid, and then I drove home & had a nice conversation with Bubbles who's exhausted from her trip to Slick City this weekend. Tomorrow, I'm apparently babysitting a bit, then going to work, then I have Wednesday & Thursday off. Hopefully, I'll find out about the Vegas job one way or the other in the next few days now that the holiday weekend is over, so I'll keep you posted. Also, I'd like to thank all the past, present, & future soldiers out there for their service in protecting me over the past 27+ years. Memorial Day always makes me think of my Grandpa Love, who was a veteran of three wars...and unfortunately passed many years ago...oddly enough on the 4th of July. Thank you all so much for all that you do!!!

Planning for the Unknown

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday was a pretty good day at work. Bubbles stopped by for lunch and she, the Mad Scientist, & I went to Granato's Deli for lunch. They're pretty good...but take a long time to fix a sam'ich. It's all good though because I got to hang with the homeys for a while. Other than that, nothing too eventful except everybody asking me if I heard from Vegas yet. Oh...and the Mad Scientist got a fortune that he says was for me, reading "You will find a good paying job." We decided to split it down the middle...so our fortunes read "You will good" and "Find a paying job." Awesome.

Last night after work, JJ stopped by to say hi and we caught up on stuff like her going to the Cure concert the other day, her move (and subsequent drama) to Denver, my possible move to Vegas, all the usual stuff...and she's borrowing my Season 2 of "Big Love" because she has some kind of obsession with polygamists. She was telling me that she was glued to CNN for a few weeks over that whole Texas compound thing last month. We all have to have a hobby, I guess. I have movies and basketball, she has polygamy and designer shoes. After she left to pick up some friends from the airport, I was insanely bored until I decided to go to sleep. How bored was I? I watched most of "Sleepless in Seattle" on TV before deciding to get my rest for what's hopefully a busy week ahead of me. The movie is cheesy...but has a great soundtrack at least. Still haven't heard from Bubbles...but hopefully she's doing okay today & just had too good of a time to answer her phone. We've all been there...a few times.

This morning, I woke up, did some laundry, and have basically been looking over my apartment cataloguing what's going to Vegas with me...and what's probably staying or parting with at a yard sale in the near future. I'll keep you posted...and cut you a great deal. Know anybody who needs a surprisingly comfortable sofabed? Cream leather love seat? (Leather and Vegas summers don't seem like a good idea) A crapload of engineering and marketing school books? Let me know. Tonight, I have a tentatively scheduled blind date...and since I'm in the area, I might just hang out with my brother & his family for Memorial day. We'll see I guess. In the meantime, since I have little else to say, here's another Movie List.

Vegas Movies - Since I've been talking about this damn place for almost a year solid in one way or another…I figured it was about time that I did a list for movie set in Sin City (though oddly enough, not "Sin City"). This is of course not inclusive of all Vegas movies (or colorful backdrops) but just some of my favorites…and I purposely left out all the Nicolas Cage movies…because half the movies that he's in revolve around this place ("Honeymoon in Vegas", "Leaving Las Vegas", "Con Air", "Snake Eyes", "Next", etc.)

Medal Winners

Gold - Ocean's Trilogy (2001-07) - If you haven't, check out the original film from the 60's starring the Rat Pack & Angie Dickinson…but I'm guessing that most of you have seen the remakes this past decade and loved them as much as I did. Basically, it's gotten to the point where the casting call is "Get every cool actor in Hollywood, add a few hotties, dress them all in the best outfits possible, oh…and see if you can have them steal something big too." I really like them because they're quirky, glitsy, and just plain cool…and a man can dream to be that one day. Maybe I should get into the thievery business. We'll see how that goes when I'm in Vegas. Still think that drinking beers & playing pool with George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and Matt Damon (only edged out Pacino because Al seems like a mean drunk) would be the coolest…but then again, that may never happen. Again, a guy can dream. Besides, they're those movies that you can enjoy watching multiple times because you catch something extra each time. That's a great element to have in a flick.

Silver - Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas (1998) - Based on the Hunter S. Thompson novel and starring Benecio Del Toro with a moustache and Johnny Depp with a comb-over, this movie is just great debaucherous, drugged-out fun. Basically it's Thompson's ode to the turning point in hippie culture and all this other stuff (haven't actually read the book but I'm sure the Mad Scientist or JL Clyde can fill you in with a better understanding of the actual literature) but yeah, it's just a lot of wild & crazy stuff with a lot of inner monologue and rants and basically the stuff that you read on this blog…but more psychedelic & insightful.

Bronze - Bugsy (1991) - The story of Ben "Bugsy" Siegel and his interesting transition from mob boss to founder of the glitsy Las Vegas style is a movie that I seriously enjoy…and I'm not really sure why. Warren Beatty is Bugsy, Harvey Kietel is his right-hand man, Annette Bening is his mistress, even Sir Ben Kingsley makes an appearance as a mob boss, there's a few great scenes…but it's really the story about a man who has a vision…and then basically tries to BS his way out of a mafia debt…which usually ends badly. I think it was nominated for Best Picture or something when it came out. Check it out. I'm sure that I've mentioned it before in my Gangster Movie List. This just barely beat out the Martin Scorsese classic "Casino" (1995) starring Robert DeNiro, Joe Pesci, Sharon Stone, and a bunch of other Scorsese standards. Lots of great one-liners in that movie…and I still use "Settle out of court" whenever I can…and it comes up a surprising amount. There's a lot of holes in that desert...

Suggestion - Viva Las Vegas (1964) - Why do I suggest it? Because it's Elvis and Ann Margaret (greatest costar with Elvis ever & who's still hot though well into her sixties) in the story of race car driver Lucky Jackson who while getting his car fixed meets the lovely Rusty Martin (Margaret) and then the usual bad guy comes in and tries to win the race & steal his girl…but he's Elvis…and this is Vegas, baby. Also, feel free to check out "Fools Rush In" (1997) with Matthew Perry & Salma Hayek for a romantic-comedy that's actually kind of funny or "Swingers" (1996) if you're into the whole vintage Vince Vaughn thing. There's also the iconic "National Lampoon's Vegas Vacation" (1997) with Chevy Chase, Beverly D'Angelo, and Randy Quaid…oh, and Wayne Newton. Check them all out if you haven't already.

Flush It - Lucky You (2007) - Okay, so I was bored as hell on that cruise that I took last November…and it was bad weather on our day at sea…so I set in the room for a few hours and watched this show about a professional poker player (Eric Bana), who meets a waitress (Drew Barrymore), falls for her, and apparently keeps losing his & her money…yet still keeps at it. Basically, he has an addiction…but it's his job…so he keeps at it…and there's the love interest involved…and a rival that tries to spit some life lessons at him (Robert Duvall) and it's really just a movie that's hard to watch really. That's why it beat out "Showgirls" (1995) because at least in that movie I get to see Elizabeth Berkley & Gina Gershon…a LOT of Elizabeth Berkley & Gina Gershon.

Future Watch - What Happens In Vegas… (2008) - Okay, so I'm not really going to see this movie probably…because it has Ashton Kutcher (who punk'd me in a dream) and Cameron Diaz (what happened?) and it just seems pretty lame. Who knows? I may rent it. What I'm really looking forward to is when I move down there and meet the filmmakers making "Ocean's 14" (2010?) and they write in a part for me…as the 14th member of the crew. I'd be the tall cousin of the twins from Utah (Casey Affleck & Scott Caan) that has to come in for some reason. I don't write the scripts. I'm just an actor. Probably to bring in some young, hot blood into the mix since most of the stars are in their forties…but I'll admit, still dashing & charming individuals. I'd fit in nicely with the crew. Also, I look forward to starring in my own romantic comedy (2009?) while I'm down there…so we'll see how that goes. I'll let you know when I start casting for costars.

Have a great weekend everybody...or probably more accurately, hope you all had a great weekend!!! Play safe & have fun!!! I'll let you know how the date went...or if it went. What the heck is it with me and dating? It just never seems to work. Oh well, maybe this will end the streak. You never know unless you try, right? Wish me luck.

I Have A Map

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night, I watched a movie that seriously didn't need to be made…and it was really, really boring despite being a comedy from Happy Madison productions (Adam Sandler's good ones & "Grandma's Boy"). I talking of course about "Strange Wilderness" starring Steve Zahn, Jonah Hill, and…well, there's a brief cameo by Robert Patrick. Now, it's the usual crude & somewhat offensive humor that you would expect (and I usually love) but it was just…I don't know, ridiculously stupid throughout. The plot didn't even make sense…and I think they realized that at the end…and so the ending is just a blooper. I mean…really? Yeah, I would pass on this one. The only part where I even laughed a little bit…is when I said moments before Steve Zahn, "I have a map." Hence the title of this post…and it wasn't even that funny…because they dragged it out from there. Luckily, I only wasted about 80 minutes of my life on this movie.

This morning, I awoke to a phone call from my blind date…and you'll never guess what happened…something came up. Surprise, surprise. Oh well, we're very tentatively scheduled for next weekend…but if I get this Vegas job, I'll give her a call, let her know that a career opportunity has come up in Vegas, and wish her well in her journey. Her loss really. I'm actually a really nice guy…even when I don't expect to get any. Oh well, plenty of fish in the sea. Just frees me up for tonight anyway with Bubbles & JJ in town to see family for Memorial Day Weekend…and plenty of other ladies wanting to hang out with my sexy ass. Woo-hoo!!! Agh…sweet delusion…now for the news.

Save Me Jebus!!! - Grant Stubbs and Owen Wilson (not that Owen Wilson) were two pilots flying over the South Island of New Zealand when their microlight airplane ran out of fuel…causing their engine to sputter and die. Stubbs said, "My friend and I are both Christians so our immediate reaction in a life-threatening situation was to ask for God's help." Wilson added, "There was an instantaneous answer to prayer as we crossed the ridge and there was an airfield — I didn't know it existed till then." After Wilson glided the powerless craft to a landing on the grassy strip, the pair noticed they were beside a 20-foot-tall sign that read, "Jesus is Lord — The Bible." "When we saw that, we started laughing." Coincidence? You be the judge. Signs are everywhere. All you have to do is keep your eyes open and your hopes up. Either way, I'm glad that those two landed safely.

Cold Cock Museum - Sigurdur Hjartarson is founder and owner of the Icelandic Phallological Museum in Reykjavik, which offers visitors from around the world a close-up look at the long and the short of the male reproductive organ, the penis. His collection, which began in 1974 with a single bull's penis that looked something like a riding crop, now boasts 261 preserved members from 90 species. The largest, from the aptly-named sperm whale, is 70 kg (154 lb) and 1.7 meters (5.58 ft) long…or roughly the size of the average human. The smallest, a hamster penis bone, is just 2 mm and must be viewed through a magnifying glass. Please keep your snickering to yourself. This is educational. One species conspicuous by its absence is homo sapiens, but that may soon be rectified since a German, an American, an Icelander and a Briton have promised to donate their organs after death. The American, 52-year-old Stan Underwood, supplied a written description of his penis (nicknamed "Elmo") for display alongside a life-size plastic mold of the member as well as his pledge to donate it. The specimens, most of which were donated by fishermen, hunters and biologists, are kept in glass jars of formaldehyde or dried and mounted on the wall, creating an atmosphere that is part science lab, part trophy room. Hjartarson has paid for only one -- an elephant penis nearly 1 meter long that hangs, stuffed and mounted on a wooden board, in the museum's "foreign section."

He said he began collecting penises 24 years ago, when working as a school administrator, with little notion he would one day be running a museum devoted to the subject. "It was just a hobby," he said, adding that the collection was relegated to his office until the inception of the museum. "They were not on display in the sitting room." That's ugh…quite the hobby you have there, sir. Can you imagine walking into his office as a school administrator with preserved penises on his shelves…and probably on his desk? Anyway, congratulations on finally turning a profit on this unique museum. By the way ladies, more than 60% of visitors are female. Is anybody surprised? They shouldn't be. What would it be like to be a tour guide at a museum like that? "Over here, we have the member of the very rare panda. Note the pristine condition…for during its seven years of life despite coaching and a strict workout regimen, it was never properly used. Now, we have a special treat for you ladies. In this room ever here, I'm honored to show you one of the finest human specimen…still alive…and in the wild. BEHOLD!!!" Then I'm immediately fired for public indecency and face a few years in prison for trying to pick up tourists.

Panda Update - The Chinese government had sent 4,500 kg of bamboo, 1,050 kg of bamboo shoots and huge quantities of apples, soybean, eggs, milk powder and other food items in emergency rations to feed the giant pandas at the Wolong Conservation & Research Centre in Chengdu. They have to do this because the pandas in captivity can't find food themselves and are prized commodities of the government and Chinese people and the workers at the center & bamboo collectors have been a little distracted by a still-climbing death toll of that whole earthquake thing last week. Eight pandas, chosen to entertain tourists during the Olympic Games, have been sent to the provincial capital of Chengdu and will be flown to Beijing on Saturday. Thus is the premise of Samuel L. Jackson's latest action movie, "Pandas on a Plane." (2009?) - "WE'VE GOT TO GET THESE MOTHER F**KING PANDAS OFF THIS PLANE!!!" "Sir, we'll be landing in Beijing as scheduled in about twenty minutes." "DID I STUTTER MOTHER F**KER??? (Pull out a glock) LAND THIS BITCH!!! THEY'RE GETTING HUNGRY…AND I AIN'T GONNA FEED 'EM!!!" "Sir, again, we have over a dozen trained veterinarians on board to feed…" "ARYANS??? ON THIS PLANE??? DAMN COMMUNIST PANDA SMUGGLERS!!!" Then starts the action scene…but I'll leave you all with that image of Sam Jackson busting a cap in a panda's ass…just in time for Kung Fu Panda to be released worldwide. You're welcome, kids.

Anyway, that oughta do it for today. Still have no weekend plans really…but I'm sure that something surprising & fun will come up. For example, at work today it's Hawaii Day…and you know what that means…everybody gets lei'd!!! Have a groovy day everybody!!!

Put the Bunny in the Box

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Not a whole lot has happened since last time. I worked until late, then was back here in the morning. Filly, JL Clyde, and most of the other ladies here at work have told me that they're going to miss me WHEN I move to Vegas (no, not official yet, but we're optimistic) but they're very supportive of the move. I even spent the greater part of my shift checking out apartments in the area and sent a list to Bubbles so that she can tell me if she's already checked them out. Such a good friend to help me out…but I'm there for her when she needs me too. Karma!!!


I may also have a blind date tomorrow night. A few weeks ago, my mom tried to set me up with the daughter of a coworker…and after my mom proving her limited technological knowledge and giving me a few wrong numbers, I was finally able to get a hold of her yesterday…and we'll see how it works out. You may be asking yourself…or me indirectly, "Why are you going on a blind date when you're probably only going to be living here for another two weeks or so?" The answer is simple. I'm a cheap date…and a lot of fun. She apparently got out of a bad relationship…and at the very least, I can show her that there are still a few great nice guys out there (though finding us is like looking for diamonds) and make her smile a bit over a casual dinner with no strings attached. Now tell me that's not a tempting offer, ladies. By the way, if you're interested, drop me a line.


This week at work has been Associate Appreciation Week…and today has a Japanese theme, so they have a room set up for karaoke and sodoku while they serve you edamame and fortune cookies. My cookie message for the day is a great one - "You are in for a very pleasant surprise….in bed." REALLY? Sweet. I can't wait. Also, Lilie finally came back from her two week vacation of France…and she told me that she had some catching up to do on my blog. Boy, is she going to be disappointed…here's some news.


Burger Decadence - How much would you pay for the world's greatest hamburger? Now, think about it for a second. What constitutes the world's greatest hamburger? How about a Kobe beef patty…from cattle that are massaged by big-breasted Japanese women in a manner passed down through the millennia…and fed nothing but sake and beer. I am NOT joking. Top it off with black truffles, seared foie gras, aged Gruyere cheese, wild mushrooms…and fleck of gold leaf served hot on a brioche bun. That's right. GOLD on your burger. Any guesses on the price yet? $100? Try higher…and yes, I know that we're in a bit of a recession. Well, at the Wall Street Burger Shoppe, they just raised the price of this burger from $150 to $175, just so that they could say that they have the most expensive burger in town (which apparently has some kind of appeal to crazy Wall Street types…something to keep in mind when they're handling your 401k). Yes, $175 plus tax & gratuity…so essentially just over $200 if you're a good tipper. That had better be one damn fine burger. I wonder if it comes with free lube.


Captain Monty? - A pilot's nighttime romp in the woods with a flight attendant has ended with both suspended and under arrest. Jeffrey Paul Bradford and Adrianna Grace Connor, both 24-year old employees of Pinnacle Airlines Inc., were at a diner on Sunday night before they apparently decided to take a walk. "They told the officer they wanted to go do it in the woods, essentially," said Sgt. Richard Brandt. "That's the best answer they had." Things went awry when people who live in the neighborhood summoned police around 9:30 p.m., saying they had seen a naked man and an intoxicated woman. A helicopter with heat-seeking equipment was called in, and Bradford was discovered hiding behind a shed shortly before midnight. His only attire was a pair of flip-flops and a wristwatch…and probably a smile. Both were charged with indecent exposure and public drunkenness. Police also said that Connor had taken a flashlight from a neighbor's vehicle (apparently Capt.. Bradford wasn't enough for her). See what happens when the pilot isn't allowed to leave the cockpit (hehehehe) mid-flight to renew their membership into the Mile High Club? They bring their kookiness down to Earth. Why else would you have a copilot? Or an auto pilot? Anyway, maybe it's just me…and I'm glad that my buddy & loyal blog reader Captain Monty has yet to be caught in such circumstances…but apparently he's a little craftier than these two.


National Treasure 3: Search for Lincoln's Gold - A U.S. historian pleaded guilty on Tuesday to a federal charge stemming from stealing letters penned by former U.S. Presidents George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. 51-year old Edward Renehan admitted stealing an 1840 letter written by Lincoln and two by Washington written in 1791 and 1778. Renehan later sold them to a New York gallery for $97,000, according the U.S. Attorney's Office in Manhattan. Renehan, who has written six books including one on the Kennedys, stole the letters from the Theodore Roosevelt Association, a New York-based historical and cultural association where he had been a director. He pleaded guilty to one count of interstate transportation of stolen property and faces a maximum of 10 years in prison. Renehan had suffered from bipolar disorder that was undiagnosed during 2005 and 2006 at the time of the thefts, his lawyer Peter Brill said. There was no word as to whether he found the clues on the letters that he was looking for to find the Free Mason's Gold or Cibola, the Lost City of Gold…but I'm sure that his hot girlfriend & clever sidekick are already working on a way to get him out of custody and back on the trail. On that note, here's my next Movie List…


Nicolas Cage Movies - Sure he may be a member of the Coppola family…but he's still been in a lot of good movies using a different name so that he didn't have to ride coattails (like Drew Barrymore). Kudos.


Medal Winners

Gold - Con Air (1997) - This is one of those movies that are on TNT or TBS or some other cable network just about everyday…and if I'm flipping through the channels, I basically MUST watch it. Holy crap, I just realized that this movie ends in Vegas too…to join his other features like "Honeymoon in Vegas" & "Leaving Las Vegas" and let's not forget "Snake Eyes" or that he was a magician at a small Vegas casino in "Next", damn that's a lot of Vegas inspired movies for one man to have. Anyway, though it's your usual badass Jerry Bruckheimer produced movie full of chases, one-liners, explosions, clear-cut heroes & villains, and a star studded cast including John Malkovich, Steve Buscemi, Ving Rhames, Dave Chappelle, John Cusack, Colm Meaney, Danny Trejo, and others. Great action flick…and it might be my Catcher in the Rye (See "Conspiracy Theory" if you don't know the reference).


Silver - Face/Off (1997) - Basically I dedicate the Silver to all the other action flicks that Nicolas Cage kicked ass in…starting with John Woo's Face/Off because I liked him being paired up opposite John Travolta. Also, Gina Gershon's in this movie briefly…and it has some of my favorite lines ever such as "I can eat a peach for hours" and "I hate to see you go…but I love to watch you leave" and "If I were to send you flowers…wait, that's not it. If I told you to suck my tongue…would you be grateful?" Love this movie. Next is "The Rock" (1996) with Sean Connery, Ed Harris, & Michael Biehn…and it just kicks ass. Also have to watch it when it's on TV. "Gone in 60 Seconds" (2000) gets on this list because of Angelina Jolie and the hot cars. Remember blonde, dreadlocked, tattooed up Angelina in that movie? Somehow she made it work. I think it was the hotness, being a natural brunette, and talking about cars in a sexual manner.


Bronze - Raising Arizona (1987) - Dedicated to the funny side of Mr. Cage. Have the Coen Brothers made a bad movie yet? I'll look into it…but this is just a quirky funny movie about love, crime, and parenting and other stuff costarring Holly Hunter, William Forsythe, and John Goodman. I also really liked "Trapped in Paradise" (1994) with Dana Carvey & Jon Lovitz about a criminal family robbing a bank then getting trapped in the nicest city ever. You read about "Leaving Las Vegas" (1995) yesterday. Not funny…but surprisingly, it's the movie that got him an Academy Award…for looking tired & pretending to be drunk. Really? It was kind of a lame year going against Nixon (Sir Anthony Hopkins), Mr. Holland's Opus (Richard Dreyfuss), a Dead Man Walking (Sean Penn), and the Postman (Italian dude) but regardless, congratulations Mr. Cage.


Suggestion - Fire Birds (1990) - This was his first real action movie, I think. Tommy Lee Jones & Sean Young star in it too. I had never heard of it until recently…but it was pretty good. It's basically the Top Gun story with apache helicopters but still pretty good. TLJ makes it worth watching. Also, I watched "8MM" (1999) with Filly a while back and it was pretty good…for being about smut films. Anyway, I've pretty much talked about every movie of his now except a select few.


Flush It - It Could Happen To You (1994) - Now, I enjoy me a good romantic-comedy every once in a while…but this story about an NYPD officer (Cage) and a waitress (Bridget Fonda) splitting his lottery winnings & magically falling in love (sorry if I spoiled it) is a little too sappy even for me. There is one good thing about this movie though…and that's the soundtrack that features the likes of Tony Bennett, Billie Holliday, Frank Sinatra, and a lot of good time crooner music.



Future Watch - Werewolf Women of the S.S. (2009?) - Am I still the only person in America that wants to see Nicolas Cage star as Dr. Fu Manchu? Well, he's got real movies coming out soon too…like "Bangkok Dangerous" (8/22/08) which apparently is an action film directed by the Pang Brothers ("The Eye" & "The Messengers") and is apparently him kicking as in Thailand. I'm already intrigued. "Ghost Rider 2" (2009) is allegedly also a possibility (unfortunately) and the CGI-animation flick "G-Force" (2009) will star him, Steve Buscemi, Tracy Morgan, Penelope Cruz, and others as team of trained secret agent guinea pigs that take on a mission for the US government to stop an evil billionaire, who plans to destroy the world with household appliances. I AM NOT JOKING!!! He plays a mole named Speckles. Now that's badass!!!


Anyway, that'll do it for me for tonight. Hopefully my fortune cookie comes true and I'm pleasantly surprised. Have a great day everybody!!! Oh...and just to finish this Nicolas Cage business...please enjoy my picture with him one last time...

I Am Fresh

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I slept like a good baby last night. As soon as my head hit the pillow immediately after I got home just after midnight, I didn't wake up until some jackass decided to race his dirt bike down the street in front of my house…but it was probably a good thing…because it was after 11 AM. I am now fully refreshed from the Vegas trip and ready to get back into the usual swing. (Sigh) Anyway, I did get to check out "I Am Legend" today for the first time. When I asked people about it, they said it was really good…but the thing that they mentioned the most was "Why did they kill the dog?" "What?" (Tears welling up) "They didn't have to do it. He was a good dog." "Oh man, now I don't wanna watch the movie." "No, it's a good movie and all…but just be prepared." Not only was it a dog…but it was a beautiful German Shepherd…named Sam…that looked & acted exactly like the German Shepherd named Sam that I had growing up (my dad was a K-9 cop for a while and we had some great dogs named Sam, X, and Zurek). So yeah…I cried a little bit…but in a manly fashion. The movie really was good. There were a few questions that I had during it that were never answered…but that's like a lot of sci-fi semi-futuristic plague movies. A note to scientists out there: Be careful when you say that you can improve viruses…because you'll never know what aspects you'll improve until it's too late. I also loved that the only soundtrack to the movie was Bob Marley…and my two favorite songs no less. Starts off with him singing "Three Little Birds" to his puppy…and then when a lady who somehow has never heard of Bob Marley enters the movie, my reaction is "Play her Stir It Up. Putty in your hands, Fresh Prince." So he does…and I am pleased. Oh yeah…and there's something about zombie vampire mutants in the movie…so yeah, you should check it out. I give it four stars…but don't say that I didn't warn you about the dog.

As I mentioned during my Vegas trip, I was watching the NCAA Men's college basketball tournament a.k.a. March Madness (and love for the ladies' tourney as well) and I find one thing particularly hilarious & hypocritical all at the same time. As you may have heard, I think that Bobby Knight is a jackass. He's the former coach of Indiana who threw chairs & choked kids and all that stuff…while saying that education is important and that his kids should stay in school…apparently so that he could tenderize their necks some more. Anyway, he recently resigned as coach of Texas Tech, who surprisingly offered him a job after being kicked out of Indiana for repeated offenses. Throughout his career, he has shown a certain…we'll say disdain for the Media (can't really blame him there…but he brings it on himself by being a jackass & assaulting teenagers). So how ridiculous is it…to see him on ESPN throwing in his two cents about the tournament every couple of hours? Such hatred for the Media…and then a few weeks after leaving his team, he joins them…or is rather assimilated to them like they're the Borg or something. I did see his first talk on there…where he said "I'm not Media, I'm an analyst" and former Notre Dame coach Digger Phelps responded with the obvious "You're Media now, just accept it" or something to that effect. Congratulations Bobby!!! I'm sorry to see you join the Media…but not because I think sports media is as evil as other realms & you're going against your beliefs…but because I'm sorry that I have to look at you while watching college basketball now.

I Thought She Looked Familiar - So the millionaire owner of the "Girls Gone Wild" video franchise (which can be summed up in two sounds "WHEOOO-HOOOOO!!!") offered Ashley Alexandra Dupre (the Spitzer callgirl) one million dollars for pictures to help launch their new magazine and an arrangement of other services (mostly internet) that they're offering…but then they stumbled upon old tapes from four years ago on a business trip to Miami…and saw that they already had pictures and video of her from her 18th birthday celebration. So instead of having to pay one million dollars cash (because a check may bounce like silicone…and that's how playas roll), she's already signed the appropriate waivers years ago…so no deal. I still expect her to be on a VH1 Reality show soon…maybe she'll join my "First Lady" idea. You remember, right? The first reality show would be me running for governor or mayor or something on pure BS and charisma…and then the sequel to it would be a Bachelor rip-off called "First Lady" and she could be a contestant. It could work. I'd be willing to allow it. Anyway, obviously her night job pays pretty well…so she should be okay in the meantime.

Kudos to the "Girls Gone Wild" guy too. They keep suing him…and he keeps getting away. Why? She signed the papers when she was drunk. "Your honor, that can't be an admissible signature. For God's sake, she dotted her I with a heart and threw a smiley face at the end." "Counselor, I'm going to allow it…because according to the plaintiff's driver's license, that is how she signs her name. In fact, it looks like a phone number was written on the end of the waiver with a little note…(reading glasses) Hotel Belvedere, Room 112, bring the camera, it's my birthday, Staci…with the smiley face dot. Ruling for the defendant. Case closed." Watch what you drink & hang with people that you trust, ladies. It's the best way to go to make sure that you can cash in on your million dollars a few years later.

Olympic Rings - There has been a lot of talk recently about the upcoming 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing. Some countries are talking about boycotting because of their oppressive reign over Tibet. Athletes are also concerned about the deathly polluted skies over the venues. It really is pretty bad. I've seen it first hand…after a rain…and within an hour it's back to an inversion of smog. However, there's also a far more basic concern that I'm surprised really hasn't been recognized before…and it's the waste problem…human waste that is. For anybody who has traveled to the mystical land of China, we have walked into their restrooms (or WC water closets), opened a stall (if they had stalls), and noticed that there was a hole in the ground. "Oh, this one must be getting replaced. They should put a sign up." So you walk to the next one…and there's a hole in the ground. "What?" Then you go to your local guide and ask them about it…and they look at you like you just asked them about using the three seashells (Demolition Man rules). Yes, an incredible majority of the toilets in China are basically holes in the ground…and ladies, that goes for you too. Beijing is expecting over 50,000 visitors for the Olympics…and a vast number of athletes, delegates, journalists, and other VIPs. The deputy director of venue management Yao Hui suggested that they set up temporary relief for the visitors since fully renovating all 37 venues would be ridiculous since the BILLION permanent residents are used to it. You win this round China…but don't be offended if our aim is a little off. We're new at this whole brown bombing thing without leaves for toilet paper and a hunting rifle by our side.

Honestly, my biggest concern for the athletes…will be them eating the 'interesting' local cuisine…and then forgetting to take their prescription strength antacid pills (recommended by the Passport Commission) and then they spend the rest of the day hovering over a hole in the ground until their legs burn…and then are asked to play basketball the next morning…or run the 120 M hurdles…or do a floor exercise. Oh man, I just got an image of that last one. "Tonya Summers of the USA starts her routine. She seems really nervous…but that's to be expected on a stage of this measure. Oh, excellent landing on the first pass. Yes, as I was saying, on a stage of this measure, televised in over 200 countries in over a hundred languages, millions around the world…and it's always an honor to represent the Red, White, and BROWN!!! Oh dear God!!! Oh my, that is…embarrassing. Now we know why she was sweating so much. Wow. That is disgusting. Can we please get a mop out on the pads? Quickly. Oh my. Hopefully that wipes write off and doesn't stain. Somebody could get really hurt."

NEWS FLASH!!! Guys Have No Clue - According to a recent study at Indiana University, more often than not, guys interpret even friendly cues, such as a subtle smile from a gal, as a sexual come-on. Why? Because guys are clueless…or obvious to the emotional subtleties of non-verbal cues. Lead researcher Coreen Farris says, "Young men just find it difficult to tell the difference between women who are being friendly and women who are interested in something more." Some might think the results come down to "boys being boys," and so even the slightest female interest sparks sexual fantasy…but the study, to be detailed in the April issue of the journal Psychological Science, also found that it goes both ways for guys (hehe, goes both ways…). They mistake females' sexual signals as friendly ones. The researchers suggest guys have trouble noticing and interpreting these subtleties in either direction. The study was funded by the National Institute of Mental Health (Rats of NIMH?) and the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse & Alcoholism (really?). Anyway, if you'd like there's more on the link…or you can renew your subscription to Psychological Science again.

Reading women and their actions, to me, is like reading ancient Sanskrit…without a Rosetta stone. That's why I tend to play dumb (that's right, it's playing) and wait for something insanely obvious & sexual to be suggested…and then go from there. I typically get the hint about the time a girl shows some passion & effort towards me…and even then it has to be REALLY obvious for me to catch it. I'm not very subtle…and besides, I like passionate people. Granted, it's probably not the best path…but it's among the safest…and I haven't had a sexual harassment lawsuit brought against me…yet. By the way, what's the ugh…statute of limitations on something like that? Any pre-law peeps out there? Anyway, back to my faint point. Ladies, we really don't have a clue. You know it. We know it. You play with it. We try to. Whatever. Until that magical transition happens to where guys understand women and their incredible complexity, I'm just gonna dangle the hook out there and see if I get a nibble. Okay, I was going to go into a incredibly obvious & poorly executed metaphor about throwing some back and taking the good ones home for a dinner for two…but then that made me think of something about the trip back from Vegas…so here goes that story.

While waiting for our flight in Vegas, my brother Kiel, Ashley, & I were sitting and drinking water & eating greasy pizza and stuff like that. Why? It was on sale, of course. Quit asking questions…and turn down the lights. Anyway, a large bearded gentleman sat down two seats from me…and made a call to somebody. I assume it was his manager or something, because then he's says something along the lines of "So yeah, I've got a few more that I wanted you to hear. Are you sitting down? By the computer? Okay, ready? Okay. I do this one routine where I talk about a condiment wedding…" and he goes on with a tirade of stereotype stupidity like soy sauce getting in an accident on the way there, blah blah blah. "I have this other one where I talk about Jimmy Durante salsa dancing. One-two-Ha-cha-cha-cha, One-two-Ha-cha-cha-cha!!! What do you think? Is it funny? Really? Well, in context it sounds kind of funny, right? No? Alright, I'll keep working on it." So basically, we were probably listening to one of the world's worst comedians…sell his manager on his stand-up routine…and he bombed. At least it wasn't in front of a drunken crowd…just a hungover one. The three of us kind of exchanged glances at one another listening to him with expressions like "Are you kidding me? This guy's hella lame." I'm sure it's tough being a comedian and all…but come on. Anyway, that story's over now. You're welcome.

Well, that should do it for today. JL Clyde is the lucky winner of the free Utah Symphony Video Games Live concert ticket this Friday…but she prefers soccer to American football…so the other ticket for the Blaze game is still up for grabs. Otherwise, I may just have to find me a stranger on a Saturday night to entertain. Hmm, maybe that's not a bad idea. Anyway, have a great day everybody…and I'll catch up with you tomorrow. Oh…and Happy Anniversary to my brother & sister-in-law!!!