Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Not much has happened since last time...except I slept. Oh, I did play a little NBA Live 2008 this morning. I'm starting to get the hang of the controls but the computer does like to keep the scores close...even if it means you're missing layups and they bang 30-foot three-pointers with the back-up point guard. You just have to keep pushing through it. "Barbarella" came through the mail so I'm looking forward to watching it over the weekend...but tonight is my
"Scarface" Movie Night with my friend Bubbles...complete with drinking on a Thursday night. "But $teve, don't you work on Friday?" Yes, I do...but not until late afternoon (because I have no social life) so it's all good. With all those happenings stretched out into a paragraph, here's some news...
Mayor of my Hometown is a Badass!!! - For those of you who don't know, I was born in the city of Ogden, Utah. It's a nice town. Not great, but it could be a LOT worse. Sure, they tore down a failing mall and had a square mile gaping hole in the middle of downtown for a few years until recently. Sure, the crime rate is...we'll just say higher than Mayberry. Sure, they've recently decided to translate the DMV registration papers into English as well...but it's still a great town with a lot of great people...but at least one man is trying to make it better, Mayor
Matthew Godfrey. Why do I mention him now? Somebody tried to break into his house Wednesday morning, so he jumped out of bed, checked the kids, and went to investigate. It was some punk twenty-year old kid. So he "ran him down and tackled him, wrestled him and put him in a headlock." The article makes a big deal about Godfrey being 135 pounds and the chief saying he's "half the burglar's size" but his attacker (or attackee) was 163 pounds...and probably a few grams heavier than normal in his bloodstream. Somebody needs to teach the police chief some math. That's just over 20% larger...and the burglar was probably strung out on goofballs or something.
Anyway, I think it may be a
publicity stunt on the mayor's part...possibly. The burglar was a neighbor kid, whose parents are kind of tight with him...but he's a "wayward child" that the mayor used to teach in church. Hmm (Thinker pose). It's also a campaign year...and his primary focus is to cut down on crime. What better way to show your strong stance on crime than to tackle your own intruder at your home? Yeah, it may have been staged...then again, it may have not been. Who knows? Still, he's representin' O-Town. I wonder if he has tattoos showing how badass he is...
How Hot is Arizona? - In Mesa, Arizona, a woman was sentenced to ten years in prison for a heinous crime even after saying that she was sorry and never meant to hurt anybody. What was the crime? She stabbed her tied-up lover so she could drink his blood during a drug and alcohol-fueled sexual tryst. The victim agreed to be tied up but became alarmed when she pulled out a knife (understandable) and said that she wanted to drink his blood (okay, I'm starting to sober up). She then sliced into his leg, arm, shoulder, back, neck, and stomach (second date is out of the question now). Her attorney told the jury that she suffers from a personality disorder that causes instability and has taken responsibility for her actions. Instability you say??? Really??? He also wrote a sentencing memo that prison records show that she thought she was a vampire for the first several weeks she was in jail...or as it's professionally know to us doctors, Renfield Syndrome. You may be asking yourself, how did the victim let it get that far? Didn't he know that she was crazy? Probably...but he's a 46-year old man...and she's a 24-year old vampire. Have you seen female vampires? They're very hot...and tricky. Besides, she'll probably escape when the time is right. Bars can't hold vampires. She's just waiting for the night to be longer than an hour in Arizona. I wonder if my brother still has the scar from his encounter with a vampire (true story, girls can be FREAKY).
Hoes on Strike - In the Bolivian city of El Alto, prostitutes have sewed their lips together (facial lips, I double-checked) as part of a hunger strike to demand that the mayor (frequent customer?) reopen brothels and bars ordered closed after violent protests by residents last week. Lily Cortez, leader of the El Alto Association of Nighttime Workers (I kid you not, that's the group's name) said (through muffled speech, remember her lips are sewed shut), "We are fighting for the right to work and for our families' survival." The mayor has vowed not to reopen the institutions because of the protests by student activists towards underage drinking and crime stormed the red-light district last week. These activists went on a hunger strike...so now the prostitutes are doing the same...and they're not even being violent about it. Meanwhile, Ethiopia's hunger strike remains unanswered.
Interesting fact -
In Bolivia, prostitution is legal...but not pimpin'. No wonder it reached this point. If even we had a few of our American-made pimphands in this impoverished nation, we could turn a profit and then some in this city of over a million Johns and/or Tricks. Mayhaps I need to learn some Spanish and speak with the mayor myself...and I'll bring my buddy Ogden Mayor Matthew Godfrey with me too...in case, I need him to put El Alto's mayor in a headlock or something. I can't get my hands dirty with this manicure. Anyway, it's good to hear Bolivia in the news when it's not about drugs for once. Too bad it has to be because their pimp game is going limp. Play on playa, help is on the way...after I go straighten out Europe for a few weeks. Here's a few suggestions and reasoning behind it for those who go in my place
- If Hoes don't eat, a Pimp don't eat - You can't milk dead cows, get the girls to eat...or at least lick down some ice cream to show what the townspeople are missing.
- Meet with the Mayor and reach an accord with the man directly. It's the oldest profession, not a crime. Explain it to him with regards to the economy of his fair city. If that doesn't work, offer him a discount.
- Help him to clean up the underage drinking problem. Children are the future...where else will you future Johns, tricks, and hoes come from?
- This meeting should be held in an impartial location...preferably one without a cover charge. There has never been a conflict in the world that can't be resolved over a bottle of Courvoisier and a lap dance. The club is ten times better than a golf course...and just as expensive to get bidniss done.
Anyway, that's about it for today. Busy day again at work...since they doubled our work...but hopefully these wildfires in California can be submerged soon. Just think, in a few years when the ice caps melt, we won't have to worry about wildfires in California anymore. Until then, I just hope that everybody over there is safe and sound. God bless our Firefighters!!! Toast!!!
Not much has happened since last time...except I slept. Oh, I did play a little NBA Live 2008 this morning. I'm starting to get the hang of the controls but the computer does like to keep the scores close...even if it means you're missing layups and they bang 30-foot three-pointers with the back-up point guard. You just have to keep pushing through it. "Barbarella" came through the mail so I'm looking forward to watching it over the weekend...but tonight is my "Scarface" Movie Night with my friend Bubbles...complete with drinking on a Thursday night. "But $teve, don't you work on Friday?" Yes, I do...but not until late afternoon (because I have no social life) so it's all good. With all those happenings stretched out into a paragraph, here's some news...
Mayor of my Hometown is a Badass!!! - For those of you who don't know, I was born in the city of Ogden, Utah. It's a nice town. Not great, but it could be a LOT worse. Sure, they tore down a failing mall and had a square mile gaping hole in the middle of downtown for a few years until recently. Sure, the crime rate is...we'll just say higher than Mayberry. Sure, they've recently decided to translate the DMV registration papers into English as well...but it's still a great town with a lot of great people...but at least one man is trying to make it better, Mayor Matthew Godfrey. Why do I mention him now? Somebody tried to break into his house Wednesday morning, so he jumped out of bed, checked the kids, and went to investigate. It was some punk twenty-year old kid. So he "ran him down and tackled him, wrestled him and put him in a headlock." The article makes a big deal about Godfrey being 135 pounds and the chief saying he's "half the burglar's size" but his attacker (or attackee) was 163 pounds...and probably a few grams heavier than normal in his bloodstream. Somebody needs to teach the police chief some math. That's just over 20% larger...and the burglar was probably strung out on goofballs or something.
Anyway, I think it may be a publicity stunt on the mayor's part...possibly. The burglar was a neighbor kid, whose parents are kind of tight with him...but he's a "wayward child" that the mayor used to teach in church. Hmm (Thinker pose). It's also a campaign year...and his primary focus is to cut down on crime. What better way to show your strong stance on crime than to tackle your own intruder at your home? Yeah, it may have been staged...then again, it may have not been. Who knows? Still, he's representin' O-Town. I wonder if he has tattoos showing how badass he is...
How Hot is Arizona? - In Mesa, Arizona, a woman was sentenced to ten years in prison for a heinous crime even after saying that she was sorry and never meant to hurt anybody. What was the crime? She stabbed her tied-up lover so she could drink his blood during a drug and alcohol-fueled sexual tryst. The victim agreed to be tied up but became alarmed when she pulled out a knife (understandable) and said that she wanted to drink his blood (okay, I'm starting to sober up). She then sliced into his leg, arm, shoulder, back, neck, and stomach (second date is out of the question now). Her attorney told the jury that she suffers from a personality disorder that causes instability and has taken responsibility for her actions. Instability you say??? Really??? He also wrote a sentencing memo that prison records show that she thought she was a vampire for the first several weeks she was in jail...or as it's professionally know to us doctors, Renfield Syndrome. You may be asking yourself, how did the victim let it get that far? Didn't he know that she was crazy? Probably...but he's a 46-year old man...and she's a 24-year old vampire. Have you seen female vampires? They're very hot...and tricky. Besides, she'll probably escape when the time is right. Bars can't hold vampires. She's just waiting for the night to be longer than an hour in Arizona. I wonder if my brother still has the scar from his encounter with a vampire (true story, girls can be FREAKY).
Hoes on Strike - In the Bolivian city of El Alto, prostitutes have sewed their lips together (facial lips, I double-checked) as part of a hunger strike to demand that the mayor (frequent customer?) reopen brothels and bars ordered closed after violent protests by residents last week. Lily Cortez, leader of the El Alto Association of Nighttime Workers (I kid you not, that's the group's name) said (through muffled speech, remember her lips are sewed shut), "We are fighting for the right to work and for our families' survival." The mayor has vowed not to reopen the institutions because of the protests by student activists towards underage drinking and crime stormed the red-light district last week. These activists went on a hunger strike...so now the prostitutes are doing the same...and they're not even being violent about it. Meanwhile, Ethiopia's hunger strike remains unanswered.
Interesting fact - In Bolivia, prostitution is legal...but not pimpin'. No wonder it reached this point. If even we had a few of our American-made pimphands in this impoverished nation, we could turn a profit and then some in this city of over a million Johns and/or Tricks. Mayhaps I need to learn some Spanish and speak with the mayor myself...and I'll bring my buddy Ogden Mayor Matthew Godfrey with me too...in case, I need him to put El Alto's mayor in a headlock or something. I can't get my hands dirty with this manicure. Anyway, it's good to hear Bolivia in the news when it's not about drugs for once. Too bad it has to be because their pimp game is going limp. Play on playa, help is on the way...after I go straighten out Europe for a few weeks. Here's a few suggestions and reasoning behind it for those who go in my place
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