News Update

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

This morning I awoke to my sister-in-law texting me...and then calling me sounding a little frantic. Apparently, her left eye was acting a little funny and getting fuzzy every so often. She was freaking out and thinking that it was a sign of her getting Gestational Diabetes...and I calmed her down by saying that it was probably a combination of stress and hormones causing her eye muscles to go wacky. Guess who was right. See? They don't call me Doctor Love for nothing. I didn't spend seven years at Love University just for a place to donate my money and get a piece of paper at the end. Anyway, she's doing fine...and so is my future nephew.

Other than that, nothing really happened this morning except me renting a few new releases...so reviews will be coming soon...but in the meantime, here's a news update.

Lindsay Lohan - As you may have heard, Ms. Lohan checked out of the Cirque Lodge treatment center here in Utah on Friday...and has said that "it was a sobering experience." Which is good...because that's EXACTLY what rehab is supposed to be...sobering. Just so you know, we kept in contact via occasional text messages...and apparently some of my words of advice helped out. She also told me to give a shout-out to all her fans out there (Lala in particular). She says that one of her goals is to stay out of Los Angeles (can't blame her on that) and return to Utah when needed (probably to stop by Dr. Love's house...but I told her to leave her paparazzi friends in LA). I'm just glad that she's better...and hopefully with a little help from her friends, we can keep her making teenie bopper movies until she's ready to take on steamy, smoldering seductress roles. Maybe as the matriarch of a criminal organization. I can't wait.

Coked-out Beetles (not Beatles) - Dutch customs officers found 100 dead beetles stuffed with cocaine while examining a parcel from Peru. Each beetle had about 3 grams of cocaine each (about $120 street value). Wow, these drug dealers are some of the most resourceful organizations out there. What's next? Spiders with crack on the walls instead of spiders in the cracks on the walls? Roaches stuffed with marijuana? Oh wait, I think they already have those.


That's one mighty large Pumpkin - In Half Moon Bay, California (pumpkin capital of the world), an Oregon man won the annual pumpkin weigh-off with his berry (named Linus) weighing in at 1,524 pounds. The prize is $6 per pound...so a check for $9,144 was presented by the Great Pumpkin himself for the victory. If you'd like to check these pumpkins out first-hand, they'll be on display for the rest of the week in Half Moon Bay. While you're there, do some antique shopping too. It's a wonderful little town on the Pacific coastline.


Retirement of a Legend - Mack Strong, fullback for the Seattle Seahawks, announced his retirement today after a prestigious 14-year NFL career. Due to a spinal cord injury in a game Sunday, he has decided to put on the cleats & helmet for the last time. Not only did Mack Strong have the greatest name in football, but he was the prototypical fullback. Fullbacks are a zany type of player. Their job...is to knock the crap out of anybody who tries to tackle his running back. They're like the secret service of football. If you want to get to the President, you'll have to go through me. You need to go one yard to get that touchdown...and it's 4th down. Who do you go to? Your prima donna halfback? Hell no, give it to the fullback and he'll blast through there like a battering ram penetrating the castle doors. The quarterback's in trouble and needs to get rid of the ball...but all the receivers are covered. What to do? Dump it off to the Mack and let him take the hit...and deliver some punishment of his own. Will Mack Strong make it to the Hall of Fame? I like to think so...along with other fullbacks like Mike Alstott and Larry Centers...but only time will tell if football's civil servants will get the recognition they deserve. To Mr. Strong, I'm sorry that it had to end like this...but at least you get to spend time with your wife and kids now. Raise your glasses to a man, who's name not only is the greatest in football...but a way of life - Mack Strong!!! (Toast)


Those Crazy Mechanics - Next time that you get your car serviced, keep this story in mind. Spokane (WA) police officer Sherilyn Redmon took her van into the Chrysler dealership to get serviced. A little while later, her department received a call from a woman claiming that a naked man was driving a van and masturbating. Imagine her surprise when the license plate number came up as hers. Well, they arrested Bradley S. Keegan of Idaho for lewd conduct and taking a motor vehicle on a 16-mile test drive. However, let's not jump to the conclusion that he was masturbating just yet. Sure, he may have had his shirt off...because it's unseasonably warm in Washington this time of year....and he was probably trying to fix the air conditioning. Things like this can get misunderstood when seen out of the corner of the eye on a busy road.

For example, let's say that you just came to Texas Tech University as a freshman...and you are SO PROUD that you have been chosen to pump up the crowd as the school's "BELL RINGER" during the big game. Your whole family, all of your friends, and 15 million ESPN viewers see you on Saturday's telecast ringing the team's bell...but due to the tragically unfortunate placement of the bell, the camera, and your body, your whole family, all of your friends, and 15 million ESPN viewers, see this instead...

I don't care what you say. Look at the smile on that guy's face.

Tell me that isn't pure joy.

Well, that's probably good enough for me today. Like I said, not much to report except the real news. If anything else comes up, I'll let you know. Busy day at work though. I seem to be having trouble with the video (it's my first time) here at work, but if it comes up funny, I'll correct it for ya later tonight. It's great though. Big ups to Bubbles for forwarding it to me!!! In the meantime, I have a picture of it. Be sure to check back late...and have a great night!!!