The Eclectic Eccentric: Return of the Jedi Thoughts

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

I've spent the last day or so at my brother's house hanging with him and my niece. Oh yeah, my sister-in-law was there briefly too...and I met the girl L that sent me text messages last week. It was a pretty laidback weekend. Today though, I watched "Return of the Jedi" for the first time in over a decade...and the first time with the Special Edition George Lucas add-ons. If you're not a Star Wars nerd, you may want to skip this one...but I'm warning you, some of them are pretty funny. Here are a few thoughts that I had will watching it.

Jabba the Hutt doesn't seem like the meanest gangsta in all the universe. He doesn't seem that smart either. He calls his assistant with the snake-like ponytail for being weak-minded...but unless he's that brain-sucker slug from "Starship Troopers" then he probably wasn't that smart either...just really big and stinky.
When Luke & that pig guard guy who saved Jabba fall down to meet the Rancor, this after he fed a green prude go-go dancer, wouldn't you think that working for Jabba has really bad benefits. "Hey Jabba, we're out of those squirmy things that you eat." "Wooby jabano kinky." Dropped into the Rancor pit for an inventory problem.
Also, the other pig guard guys start pointing and laughing at their fallen companion...probably placing bets. "That's my cousin down there. Oh man, that's going to be an awkward call to Aunt Turktur. Who's got two minutes as the over-under?"
Jedi Master Luke kills the Rancor with a rock...and apparently the door doesn't have one of those safety trip lasers like my garage door. That could have really came in handy.
Jabba was killed by a damn near naked Princess Leia in the most non-erotic asphicsiation kind of way. Now that's gangsta!!!
The greatest bounty hunter in all the universe Boba Fett was killed accidentally by a near blind Han Solo...oh and being slowly digested by the pit monster. Actually, you'd only last a few days before you died from not having water...so in those few days, would it really hurt that bad? Wouldn't you basically digest in water over the course of a thousand years? Oh yeah, it had those teeth, but Boba Fett had armor, right?
Luke finds out that Leia's his sister. Next meeting, "Luke, what's the matter?" "Ask me again later." "Ugh okay, hey Luke, what's the matter?" "Okay, I just found out that...we're brother & sister." "Oh!!! That's great. Oh wait..." "Yeah, remember after we blew up the first Death Star...and Han Solo got his million credits...and you asked me what I wanted as payment...and so we kinda..." "OH MY GOD!!! We didn't know!!! No, that doesn't count, right?"
Ewoks!!! The Emperial Forces were defeated by Ewoks. Why? Home field advantage!!!
Also, how the hell did Luke, Han, & Chewie get captured and almost eaten by Ewoks before Leia stepped in (and C3PO bought his ass a ticket to the scrapyard)??? The Jedi Master asks Han to reach for his lightsabre. Doesn't he have the Force?
There is no way the second Death Star was fully operational. It looked like somebody had dropped it floating in space. Also, the flaw in the first one was a two-meter hole which took a one-in-a-billion shot to destroy it. In the second one, you could fly the Millennium Falcon in at a number of ports, all leading to the main reactor, which took one shot to cause a chain reaction explosion. Those engineers sucked.
Is it just me, or has Darth Vader gone from being the biggest badass in the universe in 1977 to being a pansy today? Allow me to elaborate...
1977 - He is the Dark Side of the Force, all decked out in black, a Jedi Master cyborg who is not to be messed with.
1980 - He's a father, let's his son escape because of this...but at least he cut off his hand to teach him a lesson.
1983 - He kills his boss to save his son...and in doing so gets electricuted and dies after a teary reunion with his son. He gets a hero's cremation...and come back in the end as a ghost with Yoda & Obe Wan. Sweet moment (except in the new version it's Hayden Christensen)
1999 - We find out that Darth Vader was a boy at one time...and even kind of cute & loveable...and had a thing for older chicks. He's a smart kid...and the great white hope of the Jedis.
2002 - He becomes a teenager. Falls in love with a girl who has a very...unique sense of hair style. He kills an entire village of sandpeople after killing they kill his mom (understandable). She's okay with it. He's a little conflicted...but gets over it quickly...after a good hearty cry. He doesn't listen to his buddy fighting an old Jedi turncoat, loses a hand. Goes home, gets married.
2005 - Summary: "I'm having dreams where you die. I'm gonna find a way to make you live forever. This creepy old senator says that he can tell me how. I think Obe Wan may be sleeping with my wife. I'll do whatever the creepy old guy says...even kill half the Jedi council...and all the kids who could be Jedis someday. WHAT HAVE I DONE? I'll kill Obe Wan too. Ah-ha, I've got you...AAAAGH!!! MY ARM!!! You got me. AAAGH!!! This is really hot. I'm so angry. Gosh thanks, now I'm a cyborg. Is Padme okay? I KILLED HER? (How?) NOOOOOOO!!!" From the embodiment of evil to the silliest, whiny baby I've heard since Jar Jar.
Yoda is like 900 years old or whatever, right? In the last 20 years or so of that (between Episode II and VI), he went from fighting Count Dooku impressively to really falling apart...and eventually fading away like all Jedi masters do when they die (allegedly). That's what living in the swamp'll do to ya. Take note, Louisiana natives.
I got to thinking...what did Yoda look like when he was young? Before his posture slumped a bit, he was more nimble, he had the first major stroke that messed up his speech patterns, and his hair grew in fully. I think it was something like this