I was watching TV this morning...and saw a commercial for Sleep Number beds. I'm sure that you've all seen it before (pending you have a television set). It's the bed with the adjustable firmness...and the commercial is narrated by Lindsay Wagner a.k.a. Jaime Sommers, the original Bionic Woman. Though it's great to see her back on television, I'm just not sure that she's peddling the proper product. In my humble opinion, she seems to be...well, not getting enough good sleep. I realize that this is the pot calling the kettle African-American, but keep in mind that I'm not trying to sell people on the effects of the Sleep Number bed (yet). To find out how Ms. Wagner got this gig, luckily I have a friend whose job is to sell these mattresses...and he or she (to help keep anonymity) was able to get me some of the recordings for other auditions for this commercial spot. However, because I am not big on this whole technology thing (and Big Brother is watching), I figured that I would just offer transcription of the auditions.
"Hi, I'm Nicolas Cage. Making big budget blockbuster movies can be quite exhausting. That's why I use...the Sleep Number bed by Select Comfort to help me get the sleep that I need to be alert, wide-eyed, and ready for another day of shooting."
"AAAAAAAH!!!" "Please excuse me Miss Biel, but I was just checking to see how you were liking your new Sleep Number bed." "Look Sleepy, it's 3 A.M. and I have a four-page monologue to shoot tomorrow. Get the f**k out of my trailer, wouldya?" "You see folks? That's hottie testimony if I've ever heard it. Agh, please let go of my ear! The Sleep Number bed works...regardless of what the bags under my eyes may indicate. Jessica Biel uses it. That's all you need to know...to get the beauty sleep of your life." "I said get the f**k outta here!!!"
"Hello, I'm Susan Sarandon. You may remember me from such blockbusters as Bull Durham or...well, I've been in a lot of movies...just not big money makers. I'm here to tell you about the newest advancement in sleep technology, the Sleep Number bed. By newest advancement, I'm not talking about President Bush's advancement into Iraq with absolutely no proof of weapons of mass destruction or his advancement to the White House despite losing the popular vote in his tyrannical rise to power. No, I'm talking about technology that allows you to choose the comfort level of your mattress...and to help you sleep easier as threats from terrorist organizations increase because of this administration's deplorable foreign policy..." "Okay, Ms. Sarandon, we'll let you know. F**king ad libbers...NEXT!!!"
"How's it going? I'm Vince Vaughn. I'm here because I think this Sleep Number bed is awesome. Let's say that you've had a long hard one on the set and you want something really soft like a waterbed because you're bringing one of the makeup girls back to your trailer. Bang! That's my setting 10. Let's say you had a day off from shooting because your female costar went on a bender the night before and you decided to catch up with a few shotties and chasers...but you want something firm to lie on so you don't wake up all sore and nauseous...but you don't wanna flash back to waking up in the alley before Swingers. Bam! Setting 85. But hey, don't take my word for it. The proof's in the pudding, baby. Just ask my good friend Owe.....ugh, Luke Wilson how he likes the Sleep Number bed."
"It's pretty nice. I like it."
"There you have it ladies & gentlemen. Undeniable proof that this mattress is the best thing to happen to sleep since loritabs. If you're still not convinced that this...(inaudible criticism offstage) What? What? I can't say loritabs on a commercial promoting sleep? Since when? You know what? Forget this gig. Ben Stiller's been begging me to meet up with him, Jen's texting me like crazy, my buddy Jon Favreau wants me to do a walk-on on Iron Man as Tony Stark's brother, I'm swamped. I don't need this right now. Get Wonder Woman to do it for all I care."
"Bwahaha!!! Hello maggots, I'm Robert Englund. I fully endorse this product and it's ability for its consumers to achieve better, deeper sleep than previous in a double-blind study. These studies have should a 70% decrease in back pain, 40% decrease in neck & shoulder pain, and an average of 65% better sleep experience, while at the same time achieving a 75% increase in BEING EATEN BY THE WORM OF HELL!!! SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE SLASHING ABOUT THE FACE AND CHEST AND/OR DEATH!!! SLEEP TIGHT, KIDDIES!!! YOUR SOUL IS MINE!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!"
"Oh...hi there, I'm...Christopher Walken. I'm here today...to talk to you...about the new...Sleep Number bed...by Select Comfort. Studies...have shown...that nearly all users...of this mattress...have shown vast improvement...in their abilities to...FOCUS and...maintain...fluent sentence...structure. The numbers don't lie." "That's great, Mr. Walken. Would you mind trying to do it...a little faster. We're trying to cut it down to a minute commercial." "Don't you...tell me how to do my job...you bastard. I'll...stab you...in the face...with a soldering knife." "Okay, that's great. We'll ugh...we'll let you know, Mr. Walken." "Thank you...(he dances away and you can hear something resembling "Weapon of Choice" by the Fatboy Slim)."
Needless to say, Lindsay Wagner's audition went much better with what they were trying to get...so it was a good choice considering. However, let's say hypothetically that the Select Comfort company appointed myself to do this commercial...and gave me an unlimited budget...
My Version of the same commercial
"Ola, I am Adriana Lima...and I am here today to tells you about de new Sleep Nummer bed from Select Comfort. Es most comfortible bed I have EVER try. It feel soooo good on body...so when I have long day of being sexiest woman un Earth, I like nothing better than nice fiiiiirm bed to set my perfectly proportioned body on...sep maybe my Dr. Mookie Love. Mmm Mookie, yu quiero su cuerpo caliente."
"HI THERE!!! Sorry to interrupt, but my name is James Carrey, funniest & luckiest man on planet Earth. Many people have asked me how I get the incredible amounts of energy to do my movie roles...despite being well into my forties. Well, besides having overactive adrenal glands, the Sleep Number bed really really helps too. Don't believe me? Still not sold? LEMME SHOW YA SOMETHIN'!!! Sorry, let me throw out one more little tid-bit of information that you might find convincing. Since getting a Sleep Number bed, I'VE BEEN HITTIN' THE SKINS WITH JENNY MCCARTHY!!! If it worked for me, it can work for you. AAAAAALRIGHT THEN!!! Don't forget to tip your waitress."
"Sank you, Mister Carrey. Dat very good. (By the way, sorry, this is how I transcript the lovely Brazilian accent) Call now for your Sleep Nummer bed by Seleck Comfort. I know I won't let my back touch anything else...oh Mookie, call me back. I so's miss your touch." Trust me, you couldn't sell enough beds after this commercial hit television screens across the globe. Stephen Colbert for President y'all, I'm outti.
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