Only Good Bug is a Dead Bug

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So yesterday, I received a text message from my sister-in-law saying "Grant me the strength not to kill your brother!" So I responded the only way that I could, "KAZAAAM!!! There, it has been done. What's up with you guys today?" Apparently my brother was sick yesterday...so she didn't go to school & was home watching the kids (because they don't want sick kids too) and my brother, while playing video games, allegedly yelled at her because while she was vacuuming, a baby gate was opened, and Kairi pretty much tore it from the wall. You know, stupid stuff, right? Now, I'll be the last person to argue that my brother is not an asshole. In fact, when he's not being one, I question whether he's some kind of cyborg from the future...or wonder what the hell he wants now. So I just reassured her that she's a great mother, we all know it, he's just feeling horrible and taking it out on you, Kairi's almost the Terrible Two now, and if she needed somebody to talk to...I'm here all day. She thanked me and I'm assuming had a better day.

I also got a text message from Randy Randy that said he read the trailer for a new book in his book club that said, "A femmebot is humanity's last chance to live again" and thought of me. Apparently, he reads the blog. I wasn't able to find out the book online...but it's probably the first time that somebody did anything involving books...and thought of me.

Yesterday, I also watched one of my favorite bad movies of all time - "Starship Troopers" with Denise Richards, Neil Patrick Harris, Casper Van Dien, Jake Busey, and Dina Meyer (so hot). Why do I like this movie so damn much? I mean, it's got all the teenage drama of 90210, the patriotism of a Navy commercial, some of the greatest corny news clips ever (Would you like to know more?), a higher visible body count than I believe any movie ever made, Doogie, and a plot that just seems absolutely ridiculous. I mean...when the movie starts with a news clip about bugs hurling meteors at Earth from the other side of the galaxy, then you know there's going to be some disbelief involved. Oh...and the bugs don't really eat, just rip people apart...and there are some with flamethrowers...and others that blast gigantic plasma charges out of their anus...and not to be a bit of a spoiler...but there are some that literally suck the brains out of people's skulls...and gain their knowledge by doing so. However, I still watch this movie. I happen to know that it's one of my brother's favorites too. What are your feelings on this movie?

I also got to thinking...have I seen anything else that Dina Meyer has been in since "Starship Troopers" (I did mention that she was hot, right? Moreso than Denise Richards...and that's saying a lot). I remember her in "Dragonheart" because it was a bitchin' movie with a hot redhead and she was Kerry the Jigsaw Killer expert in the "Saw" movies. Other than that, a bunch of TV and straight to DVD stuff mostly...including a "Wild Things: Diamonds in the Rough" that can ONLY mean nudity. She's also apparently in a recently finished thriller called "The Lost" with Lacey Chabert and Armand Assante. I have no idea what it's about...but I wouldn't mind getting lost with Dina & Lacey.

Junior gets 600 - Back when I kinda gave a damn about baseball (long long time ago), my favorite player was Ken Griffey jr, then with the Seattle Mariners (went to a game as a kid and he hit a homer). He was an amazing player...and was supposed to be the guy that broke Hank Aaron's records and all of that. Then he decided to take a big contract to play for his hometeam the Cincinatti Reds...and then he unfortunately was injured for the next decade or so. He's a great guy, never involved with any of that steroid stuff, his dad played in the big leagues, Willie Mays is his Godfather, even when the Reds fans started to kind of turn on him for being injured all the time, he took all the responsibility on himself. I'm glad that he finally became the 6th player in MLB history to get 600 homers...and I can only imagine how many he would have if he hadn't been injured all the time. Congratulations Junior!!!

Vinny Del Negro is a New Coach - Former Spurs guard Vinny Del Negro (or Vinny the Black as I called him for many years) is the new head coach of the Chicago Bulls. He played college ball at NC State under coach Jim Valvano, then in the NBA for twelve years and five teams (including Spurs before the championships), and has been in the Phoenix Suns front office the past two years. Now he gets to take over the Bulls, who have a lot of young talent and the top pick in the NBA draft. Also this week, former Blazers guard Terry Porter was hired as coach of the Suns & former Pistons center Michael Curry has been hired as the Pistons new head coach. I wish you guys all the best of luck...but more to Vinny the Black...because he was a Spur. That's how I roll. Still confused why Avery Johnson doesn't have a coaching job yet. It's not his fault the Mavericks blew it.

Leo to Play Chuck E. Cheese - Paramount Pictures announced that they've picked up the rights to a biopic called "Atari" about Nolan Bushnell, one of the founding fathers of video games. He cofounded Atari in 1972, made arcade games, home counsels, computers, invented Pong, and started Chuck E. Cheese Pizza Time Theatre. Leonardo DiCaprio is producing and starring...once he's done with Scorsese's latest "Shutter Island." This should be an interesting movie...then again, maybe not.

Panda Update - Dreamworks new release "Kung Fu Panda" grossed over $60 million.its opening weekend which was a little less than I expected...but then again, it was going against the box office gold that is Adam Sandler with "You Don't Mess With the Zohan" getting almost $40 million. Apparently, it was the 3rd largest opening so far this year behind "Iron Man" and the new Indiana Jones movie. Why didn't I see it over the weekend? Because I promised somebody that I'd watch it with them...and the timing just isn't right. I can wait. Besides, if I wanted to see Angelina Jolie in a CGI film, I'll just watch "Beowulf" again...gladly. SKADOOSH!!!

Well, that'll about do it. Still no word this early from Vegas but we shall see. I'm going back to work for the first time in over a week...without a real vacation...except maybe that trip to my brother's. It's odd...but I really just haven't been in the mood anyway...and I took the past week off expecting to move anyway. Oh well, it's been relaxing and I've been able to get errands done. Have a great day everybody!!! Congratulations again to Ken Griffey, jr!!!

My First Anniversary

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Today marks the one year anniversary of this blog. Reading back on my first entry, apparently I didn't get bored with this thing. You're welcome. Not a lot of personal advice given on this blog yet...but most of that's off the record...and I'm always happy to do it. So what can you expect in Year Two of the Eclectic Eccentric? Probably more silly news bits, movie reviews, ridiculous stories of morals, wild accusations, self-glorification, updates in the worlds of pandas & sexbots, pictures of sexy women, pictures of my nieces & nephew, pictures of my traveling adventures, and based on all these pictures…perhaps a link to a new blog. I'm currently around 82% full on memory for this one (thanks to my adventures across the globe) but I've probably got a few months until that happens. Until then, just let me know what you think about my ramblings. On that note, here's some news…


How Much Sleep Is Healthy? - According to a new government survey, people who sleep less than six hours or more than nine hours per night are more likely to be obese. The study also linked light sleepers to higher smoking rates, less physical activity and more alcohol use. Such surveys can't prove cause-effect relationships, so — for example — it's not clear if smoking causes sleeplessness or if sleeplessness prompts smoking, said Charlotte Schoenborn, the study's lead author. It also did not account for the influence of other factors, such as depression, which can contribute to heavy eating, smoking, sleeplessness and other problems. Smoking was highest for people who got under six hours of sleep, with 31 percent saying they were current smokers. Those who got nine or more hours also were big puffers, with 26 percent smoking. The overall U.S. smoking rate is about 21 percent. Similar results were found with regards to obesity and drinking alcohol (then again, that's probably because the fun time at bars is during sleeping hours for most). Is there a point to this study? Not really, other than the suggested 6-9 hours of sleep is probably a safe bet for a healthy lifestyle. Like I've mentioned before, you can make statistics mean anything. Did you know that 99% of Communists use their thumbs to text message? Therefore, if you use your thumbs to text your comrade, you're definitely a Communist. Case closed. Take 'em to Guantanamo Bay.


Scarlett Johansson Officially Off the Market - A few months after saying that she was engaged to Barack Obama (politician and a playa), 23-year-old actress Scarlett Johansson announced that she was REALLY engaged to actor Ryan Reynolds ("Blade Trinity" & "Waiting…") and showed off her new engagement ring…just because. When I first saw this picture, I thought "JESUS!!! THAT'S A GIGANTIC RING!!!" but then I noticed that the ring is actually the thing on her finger, not her forearm. Still pretty impressive though. Johansson, flanked by Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana, posed for the cameras in a cream gown by the designers that showed off her curves. Her publicist, Marcel Pariseau, said earlier in the day that Johansson and Reynolds were engaged and had not yet set a wedding date. Man, what would it be like to have a publicist give statements about your dating life. I need to get me one of those. "Attention everybody!!! I have the following statement concerning my client, one Dr. Mookie Tockenbaut Love. (Clears throat) Dr. Love would like to clear up any rumors about his relationships. He is officially single…and has been for a looooong time. To elaborate, by single, I mean the man hasn't even had an official date…in many many moons. However, he would like to emphasize that he does not want your pity. Your booty perhaps…but not your pity. He has put the money saved from this lack of enterprise and put it in a savings account…or blown it on a roulette table in Vegas more than likely…but still, it's going to a good cause. Also, for anybody who may be interested in pursuing a relationship with my client, you are more than welcome to apply at drmookielove.blogspot.com and he will get back to you as soon as possible. In other news, Dr. Love would also like the world to know…that he believes that the WNBA is awesome and that Sue Bird should definitely apply online. That is all. If you have any additional questions, please direct them to that brick wall over there. Suckiteasy." Anyway, congratulations to Scarlett and Van Wilder!!! May they have many, many sexy & hilarious children together!!!


Diamond Exchange 2.0 - Well Scarlett, if you're officially back on the market, now there's a website that may be able to help you out. Diamonds may be forever. But what's a girl to do when she gets dumped or divorced and those rings, necklaces and love gifts lose their emotional sparkle? Help is just a click away on new Web sites that provide an outlet for selling jewelry from past relationships, sharing break-up stories and helping broken hearts heal. "You go through a divorce. What do you do with that ring? Maybe you have a child you can pass it on to. Maybe you don't. It just sits there," said Marie Perry, who with her stepdaughter Megahn runs Ex-boyfriend Jewelry. The idea was born when Megahn, a Los Angeles actress and writer, was looking for a safe, reliable place to sell a wedding set after an amicable divorce and realized others might have boyfriend jewelry languishing in drawers or with attendant memories that make them too painful to wear. In New Orleans, there's another site called Ex-Cessories that does a similar thing. So there's hope for you ladies. Sure, you may have chosen the jerkass douche bag that doesn't know how to treat a lady but has an inheritance over the tall, smooth & sweet gentleman that works for a living because…well, you’re a crazy girl and that's what you do…but at least when you realize (too late) that you've made the mistake, you can sell that ring off and probably call that gentleman back (pending somebody didn't already wise up and beat you to the punch). Still, there's a chance. Did that sound a little bitter? Probably. Oh well, it's funny cuz it's true.


Yet Another Reason to Love Badunkadunks - We all know the words to "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-A-Lot whether we like to admit it or not. Everybody likes a good, thick, and juicy backside, right? Well, scientists have found that the hams stuck down the back of that girl's dress may be protecting her from diabetes. They said subcutaneous fat, or fat that collects under the skin, helped to improve sensitivity to the hormone insulin, which regulates blood sugar. Mice that got transplants of this type of fat deep into their abdomens lost weight and their fat cells shrank, even though they made no changes in their diet or activity levels. Researchers have known for some time that fat that collects in the abdomen (visceral fat) can raise a person's risk of diabetes and heart disease, while people with pear-shaped bodies, with fat deposits in the buttocks and hips, are less prone to these disorders. Now it turns out that subcutaneous fat (fat found just under the skin) may be actively protecting people from metabolic disease. So again, in the words of Sir Mix-A-Lot & his backup singing fellas, "Shake it (shake it) Shake it (shake it) Shake that healthy butt. Baby got back."

It's F**king Baseball!!! - You may know that baseball is not one of my favorite sports…but I'll pretend because hanging out at Bees games (though I haven't done it for a while) is a good time drinking beer & eating hot dogs with your friends…and very affordable. That's about the extent that I care about baseball. However, this story isn't about me. It's about crazy Yankee & Red Sox fans…in Nashua, New Hampshire. Ivonne Hernandez, 43, pleaded not guilty on Monday to reckless second-degree murder, aggravated driving while intoxicated and two counts of reckless conduct after an incident in a parking lot last Friday. The spat began at a local bar where Hernandez said she was a Yankees fan. It then spilled outside where a group that included 29-year-old Matthew Beaudoin chanted "Yankees suck!" when they saw a Yankees sticker on the rear window of Hernandez's car. NH Asst. Attorney General Susan Morrell told Nashua District Court that Hernandez drove directly at the group and did not brake, hitting Beaudoin. "The forensic evidence at the scene indicates tire tracks going about 200 feet that did not swerve or brake. He went onto the windshield and then when the car hit the parking meter he was ejected." Beaudoin died of massive head trauma. Hernandez told police she had only wanted to scare the group. She was ordered held without bail. I ugh…really don't have any tasteful jokes to throw out at this point because…it's basically a tragic story of stupidity. There is one thing that I'd like to say though - Don't Drive Drunk…and Don't Allow Others to Drive Drunk!!! Oh…and be good sports. It's only a game. Even basketball is only a game. A great game…but still…for entertainment purposes only.

Well, that'll do it for today. A week from now, I'll be in Las Vegas with my dad for the weekend...and I'm already planning on a road trip along the Pacific Coast...but we'll see if that pans out over the next few days. Other than that, I may be having a Movie Night tonight...and the next three days off. The possibilities are endless. Have a great day everybody!!! Thanks for a year (or more) of good times here in cyberspace!!!

Congratulations to Bubbles & JJ

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

First & foremost, congratulations to my hot friend Bubbles on getting a great new job in Las Vegas!!! Also, my other hot friend JJ accepted a similar position in Denver!!! Congratulations to both of you!!! After all the hard work I put into their resumes and emails and words of advice & encouragement, we were finally able to get them good positions. I'm just kidding because I was basically just there for moral support and as a thesaurus or something...but they'll be moving away soon…and that saddens me. It's okay though…because I visit Vegas fortnightly (or at least did before I started doing this blog and my job went down the pooper) so I'll be able to see her once in a while. Like I mentioned earlier, I already have two trips planned during the spring. Arrangements have just been made for the first one over Easter weekend in which I'll be taking my brother & sister-in-law with me for their 1st wedding anniversary (don't worry, separate rooms this time). I'm cool with Denver too. It is also reassuring that…if I ever wanted to get a similar job (which would involve leaving the state/country) that I would be more than qualified to do so. Anyway, congratulations Bubbles & JJ!!! Let me know when the Going Away Party is.

This morning, I met up for breakfast with the Wingmans at Jim's Restaurant and it was very good, very inexpensive (about $5 for a great full breakfast of crispy bacon, pancakes, eggs, hash browns, and cranberry juice), and the waitress was very nice…which apparently never happens there. She was new. They have some nice homemade salsa there too. After that, we talked about the new prospect for my dating life, the trip to San Diego, and I helped them pack some stuff to move down to their house in southern Utah. Good times. We're really excited about this trip. They also suggest that I check out this video they got called "The Secret" and it was pretty good. It's more of a philosophical motivation movie about positive attitudes, Karma, and all that other stuff that I already live by…which is basically deny negativity's power over you and imagine the life that you want…and be willing to work for it…but don't forget to send out positive energy to everybody. It's a great little video…and I'm going to suggest it to several people who I think it'll help out. It's pretty cool.

For the entertainment part of this program, I'd like to start things off with an amazing post-Oscar collaboration of many of Hollywood's finest…coming together to back their boy, Jimmy Kimmel. Enjoy…


I couldn't help thinking through the entire last half with all the celebrities, "Was that Pat Benetar???" but it could have been Joan Jett too. It's been about twenty years since I've seen either of them. Still an amazing feat in calling in favors. Kudos, Mr. Kimmel.

Prize for Oddest Book Titles - They may not leap off the shelves into the best-seller category, but the books short listed for the oddest book title prize certainly grab the attention. Trade publication The Bookseller compiled a list of some of the craziest such as "I was Tortured by the Pygmy Love Queen" which recounts the tale of a fictional U.S. WWII fighter pilot who is captured by jungle pygmies led by a sadistic woman…and its sequel, "Go Ahead, Woman, Do Your Worst." Others include…

• "How to Write A How to Write Book" - An obvious knock-off of my "How to Blog About Your Blog" by Dr. Mookie Love


• "Cheese Problems Solved" - My guess, by bacon


• "Are Women Human? And other International Dialogues" - I'm going to say…yes


• "If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs" - Dr. Phil's latest?


• "People who Mattered in Southend and Beyond: From King Canute to Dr. Feelgood" - Which was only four pages long with the bibliography
  

Congress Wants to Probe Roger Clemens - What exactly is that going to prove? What he had for lunch? The steroids are going to be out of his system by now…or are they? Honestly the only time that I really care about baseball is when one's flying at my face or groin…or I need a few extra minutes…but why does Congress give a damn? Because kids look up to them? I'm sure that changed a long time ago. Are there really a lot of high school kids shooting steroids into their ass to get that edge…or is it just insulin because of their diet? I don't know the numbers…but if Congress wants to probe "The Rocket" then that's their thing. I just don't want to see it on the television anymore if that's cool with you. Wouldn't it be weird if they found out that Roger Clemens was an alien during their probe? What I anticipate…is that this will be drug out until…say October…and he'll be found guilty of steroid use, purgery, all that stuff…but then he holds a press conference with a good buddy - "My Fellow Americans, I asked you all here today to announce…that I am pardoning Mr. Clemens of all legal actions brought against him…and declaring his right arm a national treasure…and shall be preserved by the fullest extent of the taxpayer dollar." "Mr. President, why are you doing this?" "Well suckah, I'm ugh gonna tell you why. My job is done here in a few weeks…and by the time you guys can do anything about it, I'm outta here bitches." Then they finish it off by W & the Rocket singing "The stars at niiiight are big and briiiight (clap clap clap clap) deep in the heaaart of Texas. WEEEE-HOOOOO!!!"

Woman Stripped of Mayoral Position - That's right, I said may-oral position. Carmen Kontur-Gronquist was the mayor of a small Oregon town…until opponents found out that she once posed in her underwear on a fire truck and pictures were taken for her to be in a fitness contest before she was elected to office three years ago. A relative posted them on MySpace (a.k.a. the Devil) to improve the social life of the single mom…but apparently it fell into the wrong hands…and by a tally of 142-139 was voted out of office. Apparently, the opponents felt that it wasn't fitting for a mayor to be depicted that way…as a voluptuous single mother who knows how to get her freak on when she's not on taxpayer's time. Smut peddling may be wrong…but it's effective…like clubbing baby seals…or hooking up with drunk girls. However, I have a feeling that Carmen's social life has picked up due to the publicity…and feel free to drop by and say howdy to Dr. Love if you ever stop by Slick City. We'll talk about what one needs to do to become a mayor…and talk about whatever. It'll be a fun dinner. Guaranteed.

This Week in Racism - A kindergarten student with a freshly spiked Mohawk has been suspended from school. Michelle Barile, the mother of 6-year-old Bryan Ruda, said nothing in the Parma Community School handbook prohibits the haircut, characterized by closely shaved sides with a strip of prominent hair on top. "I understand they have a dress code. I understand he has a uniform, but this is total discrimination. They can't tell me how I can cut his hair." Principal Linda Geyer said the hair was a distraction for other students…and yes they can, "This was his third infraction. We felt that we were being extremely patient." However, I know racism when I read about it. Pure discrimination against the traditions of the Mohawk Indians…and their distinctive cultural heritage…and it needs to stop immediately. However, I am proud of Ms. Barile because instead of letting the Man get her down, she's simply enrolling her child into another school. Why? "(The haircut) is something that he really likes. When people hear Mohawk, they think it's long, it's spiked, it's crazy looking, and it's really not." Stand proud, fellow Native American (1/16th Ottawa & proud casino patron / dreamcatcher fashioner). As for the Ohio kindergarten, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Dress code? Racism? Kindergarten? Sounds like a Nazi camp to me. Fraulein Geyer, du ekelst mich!!!

Anyway, that's about it for tonight. It's been uber busy here at work with getting things squared away and saying goodbye to all the lovely faces moving on due to the 'reconstruction' of my workplace. Hopefully they'll all keep in touch (at least I know the cool ones will) but I'm sure that our paths will cross repeatedly…because I'm thinking positively as all of you should be. San Diego's coming soon…then Vegas shortly after. I'm so excited…and to be perfectly honest…I just can't hide it. Woohoo!!! Have a great day everybody!!! See you on Leap Day!!!

Ash Wednesday

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

First and foremost, a very happy birthday to fellow blogger Amber!!! Guys do dig poor chicks. Hope you're having a wonderful start to your Lent. I completely missed that yesterday was Fat Tuesday until I went into work and my manager gave me crabs…in beaded necklace format. As you may know, New Orleans is one of my favorite towns in all of the world…and I have yet to be there during a big celebration like Mardi Gras, Halloween, a Saints victory, or anything like that…but I did spend Mother's Day weekend there once…and it's always a lot of fun if you know where to go. Anyway, I thought that I'd share some of the history of Mardi Gras, for those of you who aren't familiar with it. This is courtesy of my current employer, so please refer any difference of opinion to them directly…and tell them Dr. Mookie Love sent you. It'll be a great look on their face. "Who?"


Though its exact origins are subject to debate, the celebration known as Carnival came to be associated with Judeo-Christian tradition. For many Christians, January 6th marks the Day of Epiphany (also the Day a GOD was born this year) and celebrates the day the gift-bearing Magi visited the Christ child, thus ending the Christmas season. This holiday is also known as the Kings' Day or Twelfth Night as it is the 12th day of Christmas. In New Orleans, January 6th simultaneously starts Carnival where festivities like parades, balls (he-he), and king cake parties celebrate before Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. Historically the day before Ash Wednesday was symbolized by the ritual slaughter of a fatted bull or ox (beouf gras) and it came to be known as Mardi Gras. To New Orleanians, "Mardi Gras" refers only to the final and most elaborate day of the Carnival Season "Fat Tuesday."


During Carnival there is at least one major parade each day with the largest and most elaborate parades taking place the last five days of the season. While many tourists center their Mardi Gras activities on Bourbon Street and the French quarter, due to the narrow streets, the parades haven't been there since 1972…but rather go down major avenues like Canal Street and St. Charles Avenue. The throwing of trinkets to the crowd was started in the early 1870's by the Twelfth Night Revelers (I believe a jazz quintet during that time) and is a time-honored tradition for young & old alike. In 1884, they started using medallions instead of trinkets, which are represented by today's doubloons. Now, there are also cups, stuffed animals, and strings of plastic beads (as seen on "Girls Gone Wild: Dormroom Fantasies").


Traditionally, the King Cake was baked on Epiphany Eve and served the following afternoon to family and friends. Today, the cake is served throughout the season. In New Orleans, the person who receives the piece of cake containing a baby (IT'S MADE OF PEOPLE!!!) must provide the king cake for the next gathering of the season. Local bakeries report selling some 5000 king cakes each day during that time. Traditional King Cake is a sweetened yeast bread with traditional adornment of sprinklings of sugar in the traditional Mardi Gras colors (How many times have I said tradition so far?). These colors are Purple for Justice, Green for Faith (gotta have it), and Gold for Power. Funny, I thought it was for the grapes, the money, and the honey. Hopefully this overexplanation of the holiday will help you to appreciate the elaborate parades, delicious snacks, and time-honored traditions that enable you to get wasted and trade beads for double D's. "Nice!!! I dub this day to be PHAT Tuesday from now on. It's a celebration, bitches!!! Be merry!!! It's good to be the King."


Anyway, that was yesterday, I guess. I worked all day…instead of danced and drank with my kinfolk. Oh well, at least I didn't eat the baby. That could have been awkward. Today, I get paid to give my opinion at a focus group. By the way, have any of you tried this Google AdSense thing that they talk about getting cash for doing your blog? Does it really work or are they jerking my chain? Anyway, I'm looking for supplemental income and trust me…you don't want this guy whoring himself out in your neighborhood. Big Movie Night tonight!!! Already have a few RSVPs and a few maybes including the always-entertaining (whether she knows it or not) Foxy. Good times!!! Now, here's the news…


Maharashi Mahesh Yogi Died - Last week, I told you that the Maharashi went into isolation for private inflection. I guess he knew that his time was near…and at the tender age of 91, the guru of Transcendental Meditation passed away at his home in Vlodrop, Netherlands. Though this is sad times for his over 5 million followers, some of his words of peace and tranquility may help: "Don’t fight the darkness. Bring the light, and the darkness will disappear." My condolences to his followers and family. He seemed like a cool dude…and we can all learn from his example.


Welcome to the Hard Place - This is what happens when Hippies go crazy. Let it be known, that I have absolutely nothing against Hippies…because then I'd hate myself a little…but this is ridiculous in my personal opinion. San Francisco voters will decide on Tuesday whether to remove the famous Alcatraz Prison visited by thousands of tourists a day and instead create a "global peace center." The Director of the Global Peace Foundation, who gives his name as Da Vid (Are you f**king kidding me? Why not Sofa King Stew Pid?) says transforming Alcatraz will "liberate energies, raising the whole consciousness of the Bay Area." Supporters would like to raze the prison and build a medicine wheel, a labyrinth and a conference center for non-violent conflict resolution. However, the silliest bit about this report is Da Vid comparing himself to one of the Beatles, "Like John Lennon, I may be a dreamer, but I'm not the only one." Well Da Vid, Moo Key may not agree with what you say, but he'll defend to the death your right to say it. That being said, I think your idea is We Todd Did. You're talking about the world's most famous correctional institution and the sight of many major Hollywood action movies and turning it into a Hippie theme park. What the hell is a Medicine Wheel? Is that like a Public Square? Or a Circle Jerk? Okay, that was a little harsh. I apologize. Still, turning "The Rock" into a peace center is sort of like turning Gettysburg into an extreme Frisbee field. I assume that the good people of San Francisco vote this proposal out of existence…but it's their vote. They live there. They can do what they want. I just hope that it at least doesn't happen until AFTER I go there in April. I wanna see where the other inmates pissed into the bitch's ocular cavities on the tour first…then do with it as you will. This way to the cafeteria.


50 & Bobby - On the March issue of Vibe magazine, the cover will feature the likes of rapper-turned-actor Curtis Jackson a.k.a. 50 Cent a.k.a. Fitty and the greatest living actor, Robert DeNiro. It's to promote their upcoming (and highly-anticipated by me) movie "Righteous Kill" also starring Al Pacino, Donnie Wahlberg, John Leguizamo, and Brian Dennehy. It's a crime drama about two NYPD detectives (DeNiro & Pacino) hunting a vigilante, who may be one of their own. It comes out April 18th...and I plan to check it out. I mean, DeNiro & Pacino on the same team? 50 is F-U-K-T. During the interview, 50 says how he'd like to hang out with Bob on his days off and that being in his superstar presence helps him to relax. "His celebrity is so strong that I get a chance to feel like a normal person for a little bit." Yeah, I could see how hanging around one of the greatest actors ever could help me to calm down a bit too. I hate other people being starstruck by me too. I need to hang out with more fellow celebrity bloggers who may or may not exist. I love how in the interview DeNiro talks about being famous for playing gangsters & mob bosses from Don Corleone to Al Capone. "Those characters are more exciting. People like to watch and identify with them in some ways. It's a fantasy. The other side is, for an actor, (those parts are) more fun, in a way, to do." When asked if he could actually live his roles (or something along those lines. "No, I don't know. I'm actually…more sensitive." This coming from the man who danced around in a dress in "Stardust" after putting a little heart on his cheek. You're the greatest, Bobby. Can't wait to hang out on Saturday nights.


Boyhood Dreams Through Science - Scientists at Newcastle University in Great Britain have created human embryos with three parents in a development they hope could lead to effective treatments for a range of serious hereditary diseases within five years. The IVF, or test-tube, embryos were created using DNA from one man and two women (it's kind of like a three-way). The idea is to prevent women with faults in their mitochondrial DNA passing diseases on to their children. Around one in 5,000 children suffer from mitochondrial diseases, which can include fatal liver, heart and brain disorders, deafness, muscular problems and forms of epilepsy. Mitochondria, schmitochondria, I can't wait until they these fuse my DNA with that of Adriana and Angelina. Hot, tan, tall, and talented - The Quadruple Threat. Throw in that whole immunity to disease thing…you may have the next Highlander…only sexier than Adrian Paul & Christopher Lambert COMBINED. My God, can you imagine it? Take a moment just to let that all sink in. Go ahead. I'll wait.


Shaq Gets Traded - Shaquille O'Neal is a very large man...and a talented basketball player. Sure, his massive stature helps him to be a dominant player...but that's just using what God gave him...and he went to high school in San Antonio...so he's cool by association. However, he currently plays for the Miami Heat, the team he helped lead to the 2006 championship...but now has the NBA's worst record...and is starring in commercials as a jockey during the Super Bowl. Also, for the first time in his 15-year NBA career, he wasn't picked for the All-Star team due to career lows in point, rebounds, and having missed the last 16 games due to injury...on the league's worst team. However, there's a glimmer of hope now...as they may be trading him to the Phoenix Suns, a team that has been at the top of the Western Conference for the past few years...and are in need of a big man to help out Amare Stoudemire. Sure, Shaq's a LOT slower than the Phoenix Suns fast break gameplan led by fellow great Steve, Steve Nash...but he can provide size on defense...and can still help out on the half-court offense. If you don't care about basketball, I apologize for this ramble...but I do, and it's my blog. Sorry. I'm extremely curious how this is going to work out for the Suns. Good luck to them. You'll need it against the 4-time World Champion, San Antonio Spurs...even when their All-Star point guard is down, they still kick ass. Wooo-hoooooo!!! Anyway, see ya in the playoffs.


Mr. Baseball's Wife - I remember as a kid watching baseball…and see Yankees slugger and moustache aficionado Don Mattingly play. After retiring, he naturally moved into coaching other big leaguers how to hit with the Yankees…and this past season, when the manager position opened up, he was in high contention for the job…but lost out to Joe Girardi, another former Yankees slugger. I think that if he still had the moustache, they would have picked him…but whatever. Shortly after that, he filed for divorce from his wife Kim (He and Slim Shady have the same problems? Interesting.) On Saturday, police in Evansville, Indiana arrested her after she refused to leave his home and is being charged with disorderly conduct and public intoxication. The only reason that I really mention this…is not because I'm concerned about Don's life, though I wish him the best…because again, he seems like a cool cat. The real reason that I mention this…is her priceless mugshot. Either she's the victim of a botched facelift…or she's a living, breathing anime character.




Well, I'd better get ready for a big day ahead of me…and an incredible Movie Night. Since we're talking about New York sports, I'd like to show you why it's so great to win a Super Bowl. Not only are you the World Champions in the ultimate team sport. Not only do you get a beautiful diamond encrusted ring. Not only do you get to become the guy on the commercial who says, "I'm going to Disneyland." THIS is why it's so good to win the Super Bowl…because when you win MVP, you can command your fellow champion millionaire teammate to give you oral gratitude.

"It's good to be the King"

Full Moon Funky

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

Today is a great day…because my nephew is home & doing well, the sky is clear and beautiful (and chilly), images of Jessica Alba filled my dreams (watched "Good Luck Chuck" last night, it's exactly what you'd expect…funny & overblown), and tonight after work, I get to hang with my Wingman as he'll be in town for the next few days. We'll probably crack back some Hornsby's Crisp Apple Cider premium malt beverages, catch up on the goings on, discuss the disastrous house market, watch some "Girls Gone Wild" videos, make a few 4 AM prank calls from a payphone, get some chicken wings at a strip club, who knows? We're men. Wingmen. The world is our urinal. Then next week, Mrs. Wingman will be in town too…so that's when we'll go shopping and talk about the five kids and catch up on the town gossip and whatnot. Tonight's to get all that other stuff out of the way. Good times.

As you may be aware, I am glad that "A Daily Show with Jon Stewart" and "The Colbert Report" are back on the air. Not because it's good to see another Steve getting that phat corporate check and spread his views on national television (hint hint Colbert, hook a fellow $teve up) but because I can finally catch up on my daily dose of news & current events. Sure, the first part of the writer's strike happened when I was in Europe, so I was fully aware of the political craziness that is Pakistan and the conflict between Musharraf & Bhutto (Bhutto since then assassinated)…and all the other international news that will depress you even more than your local news…but I like my current events served to me with a punch line. Most of their talk has been about the writer's strike…and with good reason because it's good material…but luckily they find a few nuggets that they can actually comment about without writing it down first. It's a valiant effort to make a buck. Sure, you may call them scabs for working during a strike…and Bill O'Reilly can suck it easy for his comments about their broadcast. "They even have trouble finding the right cameras." I believe Mr. Colbert said it best into the wrong camera, "F**k you, old man!!! Oops, busted." Anyway, check out the new shows on Comedy Central if you get the chance. They're actually just as funny as before…without a lot of the fluff. Now for the news...

Baseball Hall of Fame Gets Goosed - While most of what I talk about baseball is about the steroid issue or how it helps me to extend my sexual performance, this time it's about the Hall of Fame inducting free-spirited icon, legendary relief pitcher, and moustache aficionado Rich "Goose" Gossage. He played in an era of baseball during the 70's and 80's when relief pitchers didn't just come in for the last two batters to get a save…but usually played 2-3 innings at least in order to seal the deal. The future of the Hall of Fame may be in jeopardy…but there is no doubt that Goose was NOT using performance enhancing drugs…unless maybe Bigsby's moustache wax gave his fastball that extra umph. Now, he lives in Colorado Springs promoting youth athletic programs and has a baseball complex in his honor. Congratulations, Mr. Gossage!!!

Columbus: Discovery, Genocide, & Syphilis - As many of you know, Columbus Day is my least favorite holiday for many, many, many reasons. Banks are closed, busy furniture stores, the fact that I hasn't born in Prague and have a REAL sexy accent instead of an impressive fake one, kids running around freely & not being educated, and the celebration of the man who led to the genocide of two continents…but now, add to the list the celebration of the man who brought syphilis to the Old World. New genetic evidence supports the theory that Christopher Columbus brought syphilis to Europe from the New World. They said a genetic analysis of the syphilis family tree reveals that its closest relative was a South American cousin that causes yaws, an infection caused by a sub-species of the same bacteria. Now Europeans (even Spanish & Portuguese who love this guy) can throw him into the Nautical Hall of Shame with other infamous explorers as Commandant William J. Chlamydia, Conquistador Francisco Gonorrhea, and Captain James T. Krabbs.

Fragrant Exhaust? - General Motors (the U.S. automobile company, not the pioneering U.S. 4-star general that invented "Motorboating") announced plans on making biofuel with garbage at the cost of less than a dollar. They have partnered with Coskata Inc. to develop a way to make ethanol from practically any renewable source, including old tires (isn't that mostly petroleum anyway?) and plant waste. The process is a significant improvement over corn-base ethanol because it uses far less water and energy and does not divert food into fuel. That is…until they find a way to recycle my processed food into a methane based fuel…but that may be years down the road. I love the new hybrid cars…and would gladly own one. However, until I get that major hook up from Stephen Colbert or something, it's a little out of my tax bracket. Do I care about the reduction in speed and power? Not at all. I have had too many speeding tickets over the years anyway. It'll save me even more money. As for power, He-Man doesn't know what he's talking about…because I HAVE THE POWER. Do I care that there are only a handful of Ethanol fuel pumps along the Wasatch Front? Not at all. I can go to Vegas on a quarter-tank, right? Does that mean I would give away my gas-guzzling 1969 Pontiac LeMans "Baby" muscle car? F**k no!!! It just means that I'll save a little money driving around town compared to my Poor Man's Maybach. Honestly though, wouldn't the exhaust from that biofuel smell like hot liquid garbage? Maybe they'll mix in some Febreeze with it or something. Or that OxyClean stuff that the bearded wrestler guy sells. That might work. I can see the Chevron commercials now. "Ethanol Biofuel with Techron…and Pine-Sol"

I Spit Hot Fire!!! - A 56-year old German man was having a cigarette while watching TV when he felt a parched throat. He reached for his bottle of beer…took a swig…realized it was GASOLINE…and promptly spit it out. Unfortunately, the highly-flammable spit hit his lit cigarette…and ignited, giving him serious burns, and setting his apartment ablaze. The moral of this story: Don't set your beer next on the same end table or TV dinner tray as your spare bottle of gasoline, butane, or any other flammable liquid.

Talk About Shooting Your Load - Way down in Kokomo (Indiana), a man carrying a semiautomatic handgun attempted to rob the Village Pantry demanding cash and a pack of cigarettes. The clerk put the cash in a bag and as she turned to get the cigarettes, she heard the gun discharge. Police say surveillance video shows the man shooting himself as he placed the gun in the waistband of his pants. The clerk wasn't injured. A short time later, police found Derrick Kosch, 25, at a home with a gunshot wound to his right testicle and lower left leg. He was expected to have surgery at a hospital. Next time any of you think that robbing a convenience store, bakery, bank, or anything of that sort…remember this tale…and there's a reason they call it a Safety. I'm sure this video's on YouTube…and therefore hilarious…so let me know if you find it.

"Fanboys" May Be Coming Soon - For over a year now, I've been anxiously awaiting this movie that I saw a preview for called "Fanboys" about Star Wars geeks trying to catch a copy of "Episode I: Phantom Menace" before it premieres…originally because their friend had cancer and probably wasn't going to make it to that release date. I know. Depressing, right? That's why it hasn't been released yet…but will be reshot with a difference plot point (probably something like…oh, I don't know…just wanting to see Episode I before everybody else to be the Kings of Cooldom) and released shortly. Being a Level 2 Star Wars Geek myself, I look forward to its release. The trailer looked funny…

Speaking of movies, I think that I very well may have stumbled upon the single greatest movie plot EVER. What is it you ask? Well, it leads me into my next Movie List…

Werewolf Movies

Medal Winners

Gold - Underworld (2003-2006) - The Gold Medal goes to this movie because of Kate Beckinsale. Period. I know it. You know it. Everybody knows it. Best part, she's not even a werewolf. She's a vampire in this movie…and I'd say 80% of it is about vampires…but the werewolves are still pretty badass…and it's my list. Also, in the second one "Underworld: Evolution" or whatever, the hot steamy love scene that I was waiting for…I was too distracted by the fact that Scott Speedman was apparently making sweet love to her knee or upper shin to fully enjoy. My brother (and probably any guy out there) agrees that it was a confusing & poorly planned and/or executed love scene. However, director Len Wiseman's only other movie was "Live Free or Die Hard" so he's an action director. I would probably be a little disturbed of John Woo did a love scene. "Where did those doves come from? Is that a gun? Whatever it is, it's nickel-plated. Is he a robot?"

Silver - American Werewolf in London (1981) - Director John Landis ("Animal House") makes a classic werewolf flick starring David Naughton (The Dr. Pepper commercial guy) and using start of the art makeup (rubber, duct tape, and paper mache) to tell the tale of two Americans visiting London, which is being terrorized by a mythical beast. I've honestly only seen this movie once…and it's 1997 sequel "American Werewolf in Paris" once (Julie Delpy is worth price of rental) but the original is better just from the perspective of kicking back with your friends and enjoying a horror movie. Personally, the scariest John Landis movie that I've ever seen…was Michael Jackson's "Thriller" in 1983. That 17-minute music video really traumatized me, being a two-year old. Thankfully, he's done more comedies than horror flicks though, like "Blues Brothers" & "Trading Place."

Bronze - Wolf (1997) - Jack Nicholson is a werewolf. Michelle Pfeiffer is liquid hot magma. James Spader is his rival. What else do you really need for a good movie? The movie is full of Jack being Jack, double entendres, smooth sultry sexiness, and an occasional bloody slaughter of both beast and man. It's a great movie. Check it out.

Suggestion - Silver Bullet (1985) - This movie creeped me out as a kid as well…but seeing it fairly recently, it's okay. Based on Stephen King's "Cycle of the Werewolf" about a small town terrorized every autumn when the moon is full…by a mysterious killer. Starring Corey Haim as a paralytic boy in a shiny silver wheelchair and Gary Busey as creepy Uncle Red, they set out to stop this killer…or really avoid being the next victim…but yeah, it's good for a laugh or two.

Flush It - Teen Wolf (1985 & 1987) - Michael J. Fox may be able to go through time with the best of them…but he can't play basketball…even when he's half-dog. I do love the Beavers though. The sequel "Teen Wolf Too" with Jason Bateman, unnecessary…because if I remember right, it's the exact same story…just with another TV sitcom heartthrob instead of the Fox. Did it go straight to VHS when it was released? Anyway, not my cup of tea. A werewolf movie should not have a cartoon spin-off on Saturday mornings. I haven't seen this "Cursed" (2005) movie that came out fairly recently…but I'm fairly sure that if I did, it would be a Flush It. The preview was pretty lame…and it's from Wes Craven & Kevin Williamson (Scream trilogy) but it does star superhotties like Portia de Rossi, Shannon Elizabeth, & Mya. Which Mya? "Ghetto Superstar" Mya. Perhaps one day…but I don't anticipate it.

Future Watch - Okay, now the moment you've all been waiting for. The greatest movie plot EVER may be that of "Jack and Diane" (2008) starring Ellen Page ("Juno") & Olivia Thirlby. Here's the plot summary courtesy of IMDB: Jack and Diane, two teenage girls, meet in New York City and spend the night kissing ferociously. Diane's charming innocence quickly begins to open Jack's tough skinned heart. But, when Jack discovers that Diane is leaving the country in a week she tries to push her away. Diane must struggle to keep their love alive while hiding the secret that her newly awakened sexual desire occasionally turns her into a werewolf. That's right. Lesbians, werewolves, New York, John Mellencamp title, the, I smell a great movie. Mmm…and it smells good. "Hoowah!!!" Thank you, Lgt. Colonel Slade. I'm also modestly anticipating the next "Underworld Prequel" (2009) coming out next year (strike willing) and what I hope will be Rob Zombie's next movie, "Werewolf Women of the SS" (2009?) starring Udo Kier, Sheri Moon-Zombie, & Nicolas Cage as Dr. Fu Manchu. That movie would be awesome. Nazis, werewolves, women, Fu Manchu, Mr. Cage's & Mrs. Zombie's infectious laughs, oh yeah. All it needs is a tank or two…and we'd have a good movie. Get back at me, Mr. Zombie. Let me know when that's in the works.

Have a great day everybody!!! Is it a full moon tonight? Better be safe anyway…because the Wingman & I will be on the town. AWOOOOOOOOOH!!!

Christmas Shopping

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Today at work, we had a wonderful little Secret Santa gift exchange (which honestly wasn't that secret...as you can probably guess) and Santa (a.k.a. Bubbles) got me the world's coolest Chia Bart. I will display it at work...because I'm hardly ever home...and even when I am home, I rarely remember to water plants. Luckily, my bamboo plant can go weeks on one watering. That is the only reason it has survived. That and the companionship of the stuffed panda bear that hugs him and keeps him warm during the cold, cold night. Anyway, I realized attempting to wrap my present last night, that I had either stashed my Christmas tags & bows in a place that I have forgotten, or leant them to somebody without their immediate return. In either case, I wrapped it (I had paper) and went to my local Albertson's grocery store, where one of my favorite radio stations, Oldies 94.1 KODJ, was doing a live broadcast.


I walked past as they were frantically setting up stuff...and there were a few service men & women in uniform (Army girls are hot) standing, waiting to be interviewed or something, so I said hi & thank you...as any good American should. Maybe this station will be the proud owner of the "Dr. Love Hour" when I start my radio career. I can fill a few hours in the late evening with some smooth R&B hits from the 60's, 70's, & 80's. Anyway, then I tried to find some Christmas tags & bows...to no avail. I asked a clerk, "I don't think we have those here." "What? You don't have Christmas tags? How is that possible?" "I don't know. I haven't seen them anywhere and we don't have any seasonal display thing for Christmas stuff this year." "Schucks. Okay, thank you." So I took some hotel stationary that I had at home, addressed it "To: Laquesse & Baby, From: Santa c/o The Kool Kidz" and she was happy to get it despite my obvious male wrapping and decoration skills.


Christmas Shopping - I've noticed that when I go Christmas shopping for others, it usually turns out to be a kind of "One for you, one for me" situation. For example, I'll go to Best Buy or something to get a movie or video game that I think somebody on my Groovy List (not on my S**t List) would want...and then I'll see something on sale that I would like. "Oh nice. Freddie Jackson's Greatest Hits for $9.99? I gots to get that." Then one of my other personalities will throw in their two cents, "Mookie, you shouldn't get that. Somebody might get that for you for Christmas. Then what? Are you going to ask for a receipt or something? After they spent all that time looking at five different stores for it?" "You're probably right, $teve. You're always right. Wait, nobody that I know knows who the hell Freddy Jackson is...less that I would be interested in an album of his greatest hits from the 70's and 80's. I'm willing to take that risk and get it now...while it's only $9.99 plus tax. Besides, then I'd get double reward points too." "You're right, Mookie. You've proven your case. Please, proceed with your purchase. Any thoughts on what you're going to get your stepmother?" "I don't know. I was thinking just stopping by the Dancing Crane and..." This is my world, ladies & gentlemen. Welcome. A constant struggle between two opposing sides. So if I seem to drift off for no apparent reason, either I'm deep in a debate about something completely random such as "Do I really like toast?" or I'm having some hot fantasy about Adriana Lima from two different points of view (star AND director).


So anyway, yeah, I've done about half of my Christmas shopping...but I work everyday for the next eight or so, then it's the weekend before Christmas when everybody else is scrambling like they're making eggs for the homeless. Oh well, I'll make due...and those that I forget, I'll charm them into submission. Besides, the most important thing about the Holidays is just to show those people out there that you care about...just how much you love and care for them. Commercialism and material things are a distant aspect of this time of year...at least to me. If you don't get me a gift, I won't be offended. Maybe just an email saying, "Hey $teve, you rock!!! I just wanted to let you know that I know that you rock!!! Happy Holidays, playa!!!" and that'll keep me warm at night (since nobody else will).


The Day The Baseball Died - In elementary school, I played on a baseball team with my friends in 5th and 6th grade...poorly. Sure, I was fast (long-legged) and I could throw...but I was an admittedly horrible baseball player...and I was fine with it. The main reasons I gave it a shot included that my friends played and they wanted me to play on the team...out in right field so when it's hit out there, I probably wouldn't catch it...but I could throw it back easily. Also, my Grandma Love (dad's mom) was a huge Atlanta Braves fan at that time and I really enjoyed going and watching games with her...just because she was so excited and I loved to see her smile, especially when I knew that she hurt so much from her cancer and diabetes treatments. It was kind of a rough time in my life when I saw her go through that while I was dealing with that puberty stuff simultaneously. I hate to say that I was glad to see her go when she did...but I knew that the pain would stop for her...and the Braves were still doing good, so she was happy. She even came and watched me play once. Probably my best game too because I drove in the winning run on a single...our only win that year that wasn't by forfeit. I know, please, sit down, hold your applause, it wasn't that great...but it was still pretty cool to me...and to her. After she passed away, I really lost any and all interest in the sport of baseball...because Basketball was my girl. I loved her and she loved me back.


For those of you who don't care about sports, I'm just going to let you know that today was the day that every Major League Baseball record, statistic, win/loss record, or anything to do with professional baseball as a whole over the last twenty years became an asterisk. New York Senator George Mitchell released his dreaded Mitchell Report (that has been going on for a decade or so) about steroid use in baseball...and it wasn't pretty at all. Barry Bonds was mentioned in the 409-page report over a hundred times. All-Star Roger Clemens was mentioned a lot (which caught me by surprise). In all, over eighty players were mentioned directly and there's still more data and tests coming in every day. Now, all the home run marks, strikeouts, wins, everything down to the multi-million dollar contracts they've all signed, and if they should be honored is under scrutiny. The McGwire / Sosa Home Run races of the late 90's, the Yankees winning pennants, Barry Bond breaking the career home run record, even the minor leagues are saturated in this steroid expose. It's going to be quite interesting what happens to the sport now that this is in the open...and I don't doubt that something will be done. It's just really sad for those people reading this out there and the kids around the world that might love the sport and have idolized these people for so long...to find out that a lot of their favorites were cheating the whole time. It's really sad. Oh well, screw it. For not caring about baseball, I sure rambled on for a while about it, huh? Anyway, let's put out a movie list or something. I haven't done one of them in a while...


Christmas Movies


Medal Winners


Gold - It's a Wonderful Life (1946) - I'm pretty sure that I've talked about this Frank Capra classic starring Jimmy Stewart as the ultimate nice guy (I like to think that he's like me) & Donna Reed as the girl of his dreams. To me, it's quite possibly the greatest feel-good movie ever made, even though it's over 60 years old. If you have never seen this movie, come on by my place, I'll heat up some hot cocoa, throw in a few tiny marshmallows, and we'll snuggle up and watch it. Or if you're a dude, we'll check it out and play Rock Band afterwards. You can still have cocoa. It's only fair. Anyway, watch it with your family. That's my suggestion.


Silver - Scrooged (1988) - Bill Murray at his finest as this century's (well, last century's I guess) Ebenezer Scrooge turned television executive who comes face-to-face with the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future. Unfortunately, without his Ghostbustin' buddies, he's forced to relive Christmases until he learns the TRUE meaning of Christmas...and it's Love y'all. Sorry to spoil the ending for everyone...but you should still check it out. It's a laugh riot and a timeless classic to boot...brought to you by director Richard Donner.


Bronze - A Christmas Story (1983) - "You'll shoot your eye out, kid." "Fra-jee-lee, it must be Italian." "It's fragile, dear." Yes, we can all go on for days about how entertaining this classic is. We've all stuck our tongues to the flagpole...and learned it's horrible sting. We've all written love poems in explicit detail about what the one thing we all really want for Christmas (Adriana Lima). We've all sung Christmas Carols like "Tis the Season to be Jorry (Fa Ra Ra Ra Ra)" at the top of our lungs. Coming from someone who was a four-eyed blonde kid with an annoying little brother when this movie came out, I loved it. Now, I'm a laser-sighted brown-haired man with an annoying little brother who still watches this movie when the setting is right (and I'm not at work until well after midnight). Also, I just picked up my mom at the airport (in a snowstorm during my lunch break, shhhh) and she has a picture of her next to the "Christmas Story" house during this latest business trip to the Cleveland suburbs. Go ahead, name me a cooler house to have your picture taken in front of. "I triple dog dare ya."


Suggestion - Trapped in Paradise (1994) - This delightful little comedy is about the three Firpo brothers (played by Jon Lovitz, Dana Carvey, and Bubbles' future sleepy husband, Nicolas Cage). The first two brothers just got out of jail for grand larceny...and were picked up by Nicolas Cage. He has been keeping a stable, normal life...until his brothers come back...and due to their clepto nature, and the fact that they found the world's easiest bank to knock off in the city of Paradise, they rob the bank. Unfortunately, during their getaway, there's a major snow storm, and they become trapped...in Paradise. Not only that, but they seem to find their ways into the good graces of the bank manager...and Nic meets his lovely single daughter...and now the moral dilemma and comedy ensues as the authorities close in on them. Give it a watch. You won't be disappointed. Even if you don't like Nicolas Cage, I recommend it for Dana Carvey.


Flush It - Jingle All the Way (1996) - The Governator (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and Sinbad 'star' in this Christmas time 'comedy' about two fathers trying to find the hottest toy of the Christmas season. No, not the Baby Alive Wet & Wiggles with a penis, but the action figure Turbo Man. It's not that good. Even Phil Hartman couldn't make me enjoy this movie...and I didn't think that was possible. Commercialism of the holidays at its finest...and honestly, Arnie in a comedy is usually pretty hit-or-miss. I liked "Twins" & "Kindergarten Cop" but this movie was really bad, in my humble personal opinion, of course.


Future Watch - Bad Santa 2? (2010?) - Probably never going to happen...but check out the first one if you haven't. Billy Bob Thornton is hilarious. That movie made me not hate him anymore after the whole "I'm nailing Angelina" thing. Nightmare Before Christmas 3-D - I have no idea why I haven't gone and seen this movie in 3-D yet...but I certainly plan to. Anybody interesting in going, let me know. I hate to go to theatres alone. You know, since the whole Pee Wee Herman thing. Dumb & Dumbest (2010?) - Is it too much to ask for Jim Carrey & Jeff Daniels to reprise their roles? Oh yeah, this is mentioned because the character's name is Lloyd Christmas. Black Christmas 2 (2009?) - Also probably never going to happen because the first one flopped like Lacey Chabert's chesticles...but again, check out this horror classic too. I've actually never seen the original...but the remake that came out last year has the aforementioned Lacey Chabert, Michelle Trachtenberg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, and a slew of other young hotties. You owe it to yourself. Merry Christmas!!!


P.S. You're welcome, Mad Scientist!!!

Movie Night is a GO!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Movie Night may actually be a feasible thing now. What's even better than that? It's going to be tomorrow night. What's even better than that? Box Girl has been officially invited and she has my number...and expressed a lot of interest. Yippee!!! I'm not getting too excited, since it is only for a movie, but it's a good start. Scratch that, a great start. She has the digits. Now, we just have to decide on a movie. Any suggestions? It was going to be "Breakfast Club" but now I'm thinking of something with a little more girl-on-girl action. Maybe "Bound" or something. I'm open to other suggestions though. So far it's Box Girl (possibly), Bubbles, and myself...but we'll see. Even if it's just the three of us, that's a fun night full of Jaegerbombs, Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade, and a little gettin' to know ya. Maybe we'll watch a scary movie...so the girls can just squeeze up on me for protection thanks to the giant screen and surround sound of the Cooliseum theatre. BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

My Brother has a Job Now!!! - My brother now has a part-time job, which is good...because it's better than a no-time job. Congratulations to him...and just in time because I think my sister-in-law is about ready to sit down for the last few months of the pregnancy. She's carrying around a large child. He's probably gonna come out looking like a three-year old. Wish her luck guys & gals, she's going to need it. I'll keep you posted on whether he likes it or not...but hopefully he does.

I hung out with my dad for a few hours today before coming to work. We flipped through the channels and watched "The Frighteners" which is a great flick. However, we were watching it on AMC, so it was butchered all to Hell...and nothing made sense. I had to fill in the gaps to my dad...and then said, "You know what. I have the extended version at home, I'll just bring it by someday and you can watch this masterpiece in its entirety." This was one of the worst TV-butchered movies that I had ever seen. It's right up there with watching "Pulp Fiction" on KJZZ a few years back. I understand WHY television stations have to butcher for time and content...but I just don't feel that they should. It also makes me wonder how watching the late night horror flicks that they've been advertising would be. All the Halloweens, Friday the 13ths, the Ninth Gate, and other horror flicks that I've never seen...I wouldn't even bother watching them on AMC or whatever now. What'd be the point? The choppy and ridiculous plot would just be made even worse by cutting out the supplementary stuff, right? Oh well, enough about my boring day...and here's the news...

Baseball Season Not Yet Over - Even though Boston won the World Series last night, there's still round-the-clock coverage on baseball. Why? The Yankees are hiring a manager...and apparently it's Joe Girardi, a former catcher with the team instead of Don Mattingly. Say what you will, it's a good business decision because of Girardi's experience...but I can feel for Don Mattingly a little bit. As you know, I've asked before, "How can I get experience if you won't gimme a job?" Sorry Mr. Baseball, you're time will come soon. I suggest going to greener pastures anyway...like the Marlins. I hear they have an opening now.


Save the 'Shrooms - Of course, anything to do with Amsterdam makes my blog. Protesters turned out on Dam Square hoping to stop the government from banning Magic Mushrooms. About a hundred shroomers showed up carrying signs reading "Boss of your own Brain" and "When will they ban bread?" (I didn't get that one) and wearing toadstool shaped hats that they recently bought at a Halloween-time Super Mario nostalgia sale. It joins the trend of the ever-shrinking Amsterdam with the reduced Red Light District but honestly, they're just trying to make Amsterdam a better family-oriented location (because that's where the real money is at) and you can't hate on that. What I'm thinking is that they should make a New Amsterdam. Oh yeah, they already tried that...and eventually it became New York City. Then how about a NEW New Amsterdam? A place not so rich in history...but filthy rich with debauchery. Or how about I just get over there while the getting's good? I've never done mushrooms...nor do I ever really plan to...but I respect that these shroomers have the balls (and free time) to protest. I just don't think they're going to win. Nice hats though.

Well, that's really about it today, I think. Not in a big typing mood. I am really excited about tomorrow night though. Hopefully Box Girl comes through...and we can have a good ol' time together and see how it goes. Stranger things have happened. Anyway, wish me luck...and share some movie suggestions. Oh...and to answer your previous question, it looks something like this...

Have you ever wondered if protesters realize how ridiculous they look sometimes???