Adventures with Cough Syrup

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

I realize that some of you may be concerned about my state of health...and rest assure that I think I'm getting better. I've got a little bit of a headache, a little stiffness & soreness, but all in all, it just seems like a mild hangover than anything else. Speaking of which, I went to the grocery store on my way home from work last night to get some NyQuil cough syrup (ended up getting the Equaline or whatever the half-priced competitor was) and I ran into this little situation. I grabbed my groceries (cough syrup, Gatorade for fluids, and some Hot Pockets for easy food) and went to the one checkout lane still open (near closing). There was an older woman (50's, 60's maybe) with a shopping cart full of a few groceries...and about thirty disposable cameras. Odd, but maybe she was giving them for birthday presents or something...and they were on sale. Who knows? Well, she had been there for a few minutes before I showed up and had everything still in her cart but was displaying a coupon for something...and the cashier was telling her that the coupon had expired about a year ago. She may have been playing the deaf card that she couldn't hear or something because she was responding with, "So these are $4.99 each, right?" "No ma'am, this coupon is from a year ago...and these aren't even the same cameras." "Oh okay, I'll take all of them at $4.99 each. Thanks sweetie." "Ma'am...(glances at the line behind her) okay, whatever. How many do you have?" "All of them." I think it was about this time the cashier was considering a new career. I feel ya.

Meanwhile, I had set my groceries on the conveyer belt, while her groceries were still in her cart. I offered to help her load her stuff onto the belt...then the conveyer belt started to move forward after the cashier had moved the one grocery of hers already on there. So now, my groceries were in the way. I reached forward to grab them and drag them back out of the way...but the older lady had grabbed the bottles and started to gently chuck them back on the still moving conveyer belt (define futility) and the second bottle smacked me right in the face as I was reaching and she continued chucking my groceries back on the moving belt. "Hey, could you put something in the way so that the belt stops moving please?" "Oh, I'm sorry." The cashier was reading the coupon again while this was going on. After we finally purchased our groceries, the cashier apologized for the wait & getting belted in the face with a 32 ounce Gatorade. "No problem. I'm gonna take a few shots of this (cough syrup) and I'll be out for the night. Have a good one."

Concerning the cough syrup, I was glancing over the labeling...and there were no directions for use. I hadn't used NyQuil (or it's non-union equivalent) for about six years...but the way technology is, I didn't want to find out I could overdose on cough syrup. "Oh here we go, I just have to peel off the label for directions. That's...really stupid." So I peeled it off...and the directions were kind of half on the original label...and half frayed on a subdermal layer of labeling. I tried to translate the 3 point font...but to no avail...so I took two full shots. "Gan bai." Mmm, cherry flavor. I awoke about eleven hours later with this mild hangover feeling...but like I said, I'm feeling better. Yay for me!!! Unfortunately, Bubbles isn't feeling much better and called in sick today...but I sent her our well wishes.


Here at work, I've been trying to keep my composure...but it's really hard when old ladies on the phone random stuff like "Oh, that's a huge pecker!" "Excuse me? (Thank you?)" "Oh sorry, I just saw this big woodpecker outside of my window. They're so beautiful." "Oh...yeah, that's cool. So, what was that credit card number?" Stuff like that has been keeping me awake. That and talking with a female coworker (who will be checking out this blog for the first time shortly) about an idea for a new movie that her boyfriend wants in on as a producer. I'd tell you more...but it's patent pending. Perhaps another day.


Dating - This really isn't dating...but it happens a lot. I received a text message today from a number that I didn't recognize (programmed in my phone) and it read "Hello Steve, how are you doing?" I texted back, "Pretty good. Mind if I ask who this is?" "Your girlfriend silly." It was at this moment, that my dreams had finally come true - "Adriana Lima? Finally, after all my letters, you finally called. This is amazing!!! When can I meet you? No seriously, who dis is?" This is (girl's name), I'm the girl that works with (my sister-in-law)." "Oh okay, what's up?" So we've been texting back & forth for the past hour or so. We'll see how this goes...but she lives about 45 minutes away...and is eighteen. So yeah...we shall see. This isn't the first time. Friends from work and family members have sent these random text girls my way a few times...but we soon find out why we never met before. We live so far away from one another, we have different interests, goals, time tables, work schedules, etc. and we never meet in person or meet once in an incredibly awkward situation...and that's usually about it. I'll let you know how this one goes though. I'm optimistic.


This Dentist Stole my Idea - In Woodland, California, a dentist accused of fondling the breasts of 27 female patients is trying to keep his dental license by arguing that chest massages are an appropriate procedure in certain cases. Police say he said during recorded phone calls that he routinely massaged patients' chests to treat temporo-mandibular joint disorder, or TMJ, which causes neck and head pain. My question, did it work? Apprently so. One 31-year old woman in the suit was allegedly fondled six times over the course of two years. Is a dentist really that hard to find? You couldn't just...I don't know...go to a different one if you didn't appreciate the fondling. They're not exactly brain surgeons and in short supply. Actually, I'm pretty sure that a man wouldn't mind having his genitals tickled by the dental assistant while he's getting a root canal. The only problem would be sitting still...but that's simply not the case here. I'm not even sure why I mentioned it.


The method is loosely based on the finding of yours truly when I had a small private business that was a one-stop location for dentistry, massage, plumbing, scrapbooking, filming, photography, cobblery, psychiatric sessions, and baby making called "Dr. Love's Do-All Emporium." Through a year-long study in the field of dental groping, it was found that with gentle massaging of the breasts and clitoris while performing...well, basically any act...can cause great feelings of euphoria throughout the body and make the experience more pleasureful and relieves tension in most muscle groups with proper treatment. The findings of this study, despite opposition from the Catholic church saying that the clitoris does not exist, are in the process of becoming a scientific theory...and one day law. However, will it be in time to save this dentist? Or will he be the Galileo of the new millennium? "I'm telling you. The Earth revolves around the Sun." "He's a witch. Burn him!!!"

Fortune Cookie of the Day - "Be Prepared to Receive Something Special." - Always, it's the Boy Scout in me.

Okay, I'm done for the day. My food just showed up here at work...and I'm extremely hungry. Have a great night & I'll catch up with you guys & gals later.