Help Me Help You, Ladies!!!

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

You know, I've been puzzled for the last few days. However, before I go further, I want to warn you that the discussion for the first two paragraphs gets a little...unusual, especially for my blog. Some of the things discussed may make your stomach a little queezy and I may not use politically correct language...but it's only because I'm pretty much ignorant on the subject...as you will soon find out. Wow, I make it sound a lot worse than it is...but don't say that I didn't warn ya. Definitely do not read the next little bit of your sitting at your computer reading this & eating something. You see...the past few days a few of the ladies that I speak with on a regular basis have been Menstrating. I know, it's a touchy subject for both genders...but I'm just trying to learn. The longest that I've had a girlfriend is three months...and I had no sisters growing up...and my mom didn't talk to me about this stuff...and is now in menopause...so yeah, I have very little experience with regards to menstration other than women get mysteriously & extremely irritable (to put it lightly) on a monthly basis.

Being the curious little monkey that I am, I decided that it was finally time for me to not Fear the crabbiness, cramping, bleeding, mood swings, temporary insanity, physical drainage, emotional baggage, social awkwardness, and all the other stuff mentioned on those damned commercials that I see all the time...and try to get myself a little educated on the subject. So I've been asking a few questions about it...directly from the source. Why? I want to know what I can do as a guy to help out & make you feel better. I mean...what helps? Back rub? Scented candles? A few kind words? Garlic pills? Dirty limericks? A nap? Or do I just give you some chocolate ice cream and get the hell away? From the people that I've asked, it's usually the last one...but then something unexpected was mentioned. I realize that there's a rushing of hormones involved with menstation...but I was told that sometimes the ladies just want a good ol' rogering...and it makes sense...sort of. Hormones rushing, take your time, lay it down proper, she nods off, hormones & headaches subside, endorphines are running wild. Yet for some reason, I always thought that the cramping thing would be an issue for her...and the blood might be for me. I'm not going to lie. I would probably freak out...a lot...but there are ways around that to make you feel better. Also, the mess involved...I don't know, maybe this isn't a usual thing. Like I said, I'm just starting to find out this stuff. Anyway, my question is this...what is it that you ladies want us to do when it's that time of the month? How can we help? I have a feeling that a lot of guys out there want to know...yet just don't want to ask the awkward questions. Well, I've gone beyond that, I think. Please, let us know how we can help you. I'm extremely curious now...and I want to inform others. Help me help you, ladies.

Last night after work, I watched the movie "Cellular" with Chris Evans, Kim Basinger (hotchuma hotchuma), Jason Statham, and William H. Macy. It was a surprisingly good flick the first time I saw it...and it didn't disappoint this time either. It's about a lady who's kidnapped from her home (Basinger by Statham) and she doesn't know why. Somehow, she manages to dial a random number on a broken phone...and a teenager answers (Evans). He thinks that it's a prank at first...but then realizes it's not and tries to go to the police (Macy) but a series of events gets in the way...and now he has to try to find her, save the rest of her family, get help, and save the day...all before the battery & his plan minutes run out. Oh yeah, Jessica Biel's in it for a few brief glorious moments too. Anyway, car chases, suspense, funny moments, intrigue, twists & turns, and William H. Macy turns out to be a badass...who wants to open a day spa. Great flick. Check it out. Now, here's the news...

Everybody's a Winner!!! - A brothel in Nevada is trying to stimulate business by offering free gas cards to cover the costs of driving there from Vegas. Clients of the Shady Lady Ranch will get a $50 gas voucher if they fork out $300 (worth about one hour's worth of services) at the brothel in Beatty, Nevada, which is about 130 miles northwest of Las Vegas. Owner James Davis said he already has had to order another $1,000 set of petrol vouchers because the first $1,000 were spent in one week. "It's rocking along. We're doing quite well. June and July historically are not big months." Great for them. It's a great idea that stimulates business for them...tapping directly into the millions of people in Las Vegas. Fill 'er up...then get some gas. I like it a lot. By the way, you all know that prostitution is legal in some parts of Nevada, right? Not Vegas...but other counties...like this one about two hours away. If you didn't know that, you may be wondering why this is on the news & nobody's doing anything about it. Oh...and I like that James runs the business with his wife Bobbi, who came up with the idea. Just goes to show, behind every great man is a woman giving him ideas. Kudos!!!

Baby Names Update - The 1960s brought us baby names such as April and Sunshine, and naming new Americans has never been the same. So when Sunday Rose Kidman Urban was born this week, the baby of an actress (Nicole Kidman) and a country western singer (Keith Urban), news of her distinctive name created only a small stir. While many parents still stick with traditional names, U.S. babies now are tagged with an ever-increasing diversity of names for which the inspirations range from the calendar to languages from afar to colors to fruit to movie, literary, & video game characters to states to acronyms to stuff that can only be characterized as throwing random letters together & low-level child cruelty. The top 10 baby names from 1950 look nothing like today. Here's the list from 1950, according to the U.S. Social Security Administration:

Most popular boy/girl baby names in 1950:


1. James / Linda
2. Robert / Mary
3. John / Patricia
4. Michael / Barbara
5. David / Susan
6. William / Nancy
7. Richard / Deborah
8. Thomas / Sandra
9. Charles / Carol
10. Gary / Kathleen


Here's the list from last year:


1. Jacob / Emily
2. Michael / Isabella
3. Ethan / Emma
4. Joshua / Ava
5. Daniel / Madison
6. Christopher / Sophia
7. Anthony / Olivia
8. William / Abigail
9. Matthew / Hannah
10. Andrew / Elizabeth


The diversity in U.S. baby names has exploded since the 1950s. Back then, a quarter of all boys and girls got one of the top 10 baby names. In recent times, the top 10 names account for only one tenth of all baby names. Laura Wattenberg's blog has an interactive tool that displays the historical popularity of thousands of names from the 1880s to now, if you're interested. Looking at the 50's names, I see a lot of my aunts & uncles (five uncles, three aunts, & my mom) and from last year...not so much. Apparently, Michael & William are still popular a half-century later...but that's about it. Anyway, I like diversity in names (as my proposed names for my offspring would suggest) so keep 'em coming. It's just interesting how the trends go...like celebrities naming their kids ridiculous stuff...but it's their choice...until the kid grows up. "You named me APPLE? What the f**k, mom? Dad, where were you?" "I was on tour. I wanted to name you Joshua. I heard about it on the tellie myself."


Anyway, that'll do it for today. Another big day at work that I'm convincing myself to stay the whole day...no matter what...but we'll see if my willpower prevails. Also got a job description for that new prospect...and it looks pretty good. I'll keep you posted. Have a great day everybody!!! What number are you?

You Are 7: The Enthusiast

You are outgoing and playful - always seeing the happy side to life. You're enthusiastic and excitable. You love anything new. Multi-talented, you do many things well... and find success easy. You prefer to keep things light with others. Opening up is hard for you. At Your Best: You are deeply involved in each experience. You appreciate life for what it is, and you take the time to enjoy each moment. At Your Worst: You are greedy, self centered, impulsive, and insatiable. Your Fixation: Gluttony Your Primary Fear: Deprivation and pain Your Primary Desire: To be satisfied and content Other Number 7's: Howard Stern, Cameron Diaz, Robin Williams, Jim Carey, and Jenny Mccarthy.

What Number Are You?

The Weekend That Was

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

Saturday, I was at work when I got a surprising offer from JL Clyde & Filly. Apparently, JL Clyde wasn't feeling well…and they had bought tickets to an Ani DiFranco concert at the downtown library…so they had an extra ticket. Now, I had heard great things about Ani DiFranco from them as well as Camb and basically any other lady that knows anything about music…but I really couldn't hum a tune or anything like that. In fact, if I were asked, "What kind of music does she do?" My response would be something along the lines of "Angry hippie chick folk music…but allegedly really good angry hippie chick folk music." So I was planning on going to the concert on short notice…because why not? Well, about a half-hour later, I get a call from Filly…and another one of her friends called her back…and was really excited about going to see the concert…so I said, "You can take them instead if you want. I'd rather a fan of her music go than somebody like me." It really was no big deal to me…and I'm sure that I made somebody's day…offering something that really wasn't even mine to begin with. So I was feeling pretty good from that.


About an hour later, a coworker of mine, Nate Dogg, comes up and has a bit of a problem. He's had to leave work a few times over the past few weeks because his son has been sick…and he had just received a call from his wife…so he needed to take his son to the hospital since he had the family's only car. But if he just up & left again, he may be fired…and he's a cool cat, great worker, and amazing asset to the company…just had a bad few weeks. So I see my opportunity to step in & help out. "Dude, don't worry about it. I'll take care of your hours…and you just get your son to hospital." "Really? Dude, thanks. I'll make it up to you. If you ever need hours picked up or anything, just let me know." Then it struck me, "You know, I may need somebody to help me move in a few weeks…and all my other friends are either petite girls or have bad backs." "Done. Just let me know when, man." "Sure…but first thing's first. Go home…and let me know if you need anything." "Thanks man." He's a cool cat…and I was glad to help him out. I just got a letter from his wife (via him) a few minutes ago thanking me…and his son is doing better. Karma's coming back around now…because now I have somebody to help me move…in my time of need. It's awesome how that stuff works.


After work, I decided to just head straight to my brother's house and hang out there…with his family, all three kids, my buddy Isaihia, his fiancé, his two kids, and my 15-year old twin cousins C & T. It was a full house…but we had fun, watched a few movies, played in the sprinklers (oh yeah), and just had a good old fashioned summer funtime. Sunday was more of the same…but I wasn't feeling well all day…and my brother & sister-in-law decided to throw in some drama because they're both hormonal…but eventually I got out of there…and got to see the nieces & nephew in the meantime. I didn't take my good camera…but here are some cell phone pictures from the weekend.

Kelaudri feeding brother Vinny

For all my Battlestar Galactica fans...

About the time I got home, I got a text message from JL Clyde saying, "I just got rear ended!" I immediately called her, "So…was this a concentual rear ending?" "(Laugh) No, the non-sexy kind." "Oh, so the automotive variety? That sucks. Are you okay? Do you need a ride or anything?" "No, I'm okay. It wasn't that bad…just some scratches on my backside." (Confused, contemplative silence on my end) "Again, the non-sexy kind." "Oh okay. Well, glad you're okay. Drive home safe." After that, I just slept, woke up today, and basically am working on getting my car fixed up & ready for a move (tune-up, AC, new tires, etc.) and it's going to cost a pretty penny…but it could be worse. That'll be my project for the week…between work shifts…and preferably once the sun's down…because it gets hot midday. Anyway, that was my weekend. Hope yours was funner (it's a word).


Also, I found this cool website on Jlee's blog where you put in your birthday and it tells you all this stuff about your birthday. For example, I put mine in…and it comes up with stuff like…


Your date of conception was on or about 3 August 1980 which was a Sunday


You were born on a Sunday under the astrological sign Taurus.


Your Native American Zodiac sign is Beaver (tehehee); your plant is Wild Lover…er, Clover.


Your Life path number is 4 - which upon further investigation means "The Life Path 4 suggests that you entered this plane with a natural genius for planning, fixing, building, and somehow, with practical application and cerebral excellence, making things work. You are one of the most trustworthy, practical, and down-to-earth of individuals; the cornerstone members of society. if you are among these highly talented people, you have an idealistic nature which is grounded in practical terms, allowing you to conceive grandiose, far-reaching schemes and carry them through to the end. If you desire and are willing to work for it, you can achieve enormous success, prestige, and fame. You have the kind of will power that is often mistaken for sheer stubbornness. You don't think of yourself as dogged, but your honest beliefs and that ever direct speech makes you come across as completely unremitting. Loyal and devoted, you make the best of your marriage, and you are always the good provider. Friends may be few in number, but you are very close to them and once friendships are made, they often last a lifetime. The negative side of the 4 can prove dogmatic to an excess, narrow-minded, and repressive. A lot of skin-deep people turn you off, and you lack the tact to keep your feelings from being totally clear to all around. Additionally, the negative 4 has a bad tendency to get caught up in the daily routine of affairs, missing the big picture and major opportunities that come along once in a while." So yeah…but there's also other cool stuff like…


Your birthday in a half dozen other calendars like Hebrew, Mayan, and Islamic.


I was also born on the Orthodox Easter that year. Not sure what that means…probably nothing


As of 6/23/2008 6:33:47 PM EDT
You are 27 years old.
You are 326 months old.
You are 1,417 weeks old.
You are 9,920 days old.
You are 238,098 hours old.
You are 14,285,913 minutes old.
You are 857,154,827 seconds old.
Coolest thing from that, my 10.000th day will be on September 11th this year.


Your birthstone is Diamond
The Mystical properties of Diamond - Diamonds are said to increase personal clarity to help one see things clearly as well as be straight-forward and honest. Supposedly, the higher quality the diamond, the better it is supports these qualities.


Your birth tree is the Walnut Tree, the Passion
Unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egoistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromises.


So yeah, a bunch of stuff…please feel free to check out the link and check out your information. Let me know what ya think. Anyway, that's gonna do it for today. Gotta get back to work. Have a great day everybody!!!

ABC's of $teve

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

Been a busy little weekend (sort of) but I'm a little tired tonight after spending the weekend at my brother's...so I'm going to do one of these quick quizzes that Alisa tagged me on...and because she's awesome, I'll do it. Oh...and because I like to talk about myself. I'll catch you up on the rest tomorrow.

Complete the ABC's of you. Then, each player tags 3 people and posts their names, goes to their blogs and leaves a comment letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog and copy the tag to theirs.

A- Attached or Single: I'm assuming this is in regards to my dating situation & not something anatomical. In that case, Very Single.
B- Best Friend: Bubbles - Sure, I've had friends for much longer...but we don't call each other everyday like Bubbles & me
C- Cake or Pie: "Oh, I says the damnedest things. Last night when I was runnin' game, I said 'Baby, can I cut your Cake?' Oh, can I have it my way? Don't I deserve a break today? Them buns, I like the way ya bake."
D- Day: Payday is usually my favorite
E- Essential Item: My sense of humor & perspective...because it helps everybody I meet
F- Favorite Color: Blue
G- Gummy Bears or Worms: No thank you...
H- Hometown: I claim Eden, Utah as my hometown...but live in Slick City...and may be moving to Las Vegas soon. Ask me when I have a real home of my own. Right now, it's where the heart is.
I- Indulgences: Las Vegas & Sarcasm
J- January or July?: According to my calender, it's still June...but I'll say July because that's when Dark Knight comes out. Both months have their charms.
K- Kids: None that I know of...but hopefully some days. Luckily, I may not have the opportunity to name them.
L- Life is incomplete without: Passion & Love - Without them, what's the point? Share it whenever you can.
M- Marriage Date: 13/13/69 - Like the combination to my luggage
N- Number of Siblings: One younger brother Kiel (and sister-in-law Ashley), one stepbrother Rumpelstiltzchen, and three stepsisters with cute kids
O- Oranges or Apples: Apples...because they make better pies
P- Phobias or Fears: Man, it's been over a year since I did one of those fears things. Whenever I find that I have one, I try to overcome it. Now, if I could only get over my fear of a three-way with a Brazilian supermodel & an American Gladiatoress. Can anybody help me out?
Q- Quote: "Sex is like Chinese food. It ain't over 'til you both get your cookie." - Confucius...and why Bubbles calls me Cookie...and I'm no longer asked questionairres like this by my workplace
R- Reason To Smile: Being Alive & Loving (It could be worse...)
S- Season: Summer...because if I move to Vegas, I won't have a choice
T- Tag Three: Since Alisa tagged me (you rock, by the way), I'm going to tag $teve's other Angels - JL Clyde, Bone Junior, & Pirate Monkey...because they leave comments sometimes...and I'm pretty sure JLee did this last month. Comments are much appreciated!!!
U- Unknown fact about me: Good question. Don't really have secrets. My legendary focus & discipline may be unknown to most. For example, I didn't masturbate until it was doctor's orders when I was 18 and I was a virgin until well into my 24th year. Not that you really care...but there it is. Judge me if you must.
V- Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animal: "Animals are here to serve two purposes...to be delicious...and to fit well." - Jesus
W- Worst Habit: I say "Your mom" entirely too much...even when it doesn't make any sense...and then to cover I'm forced to use "That's what she said" and then I usually have to use a smoke bomb to make a Ninja Vanish before I'm attacked by criticism
X- Rays or Ultrasounds: X-Ray vision would be sweet...and not just so that I could see rockin' tatas...but I would use my powers for good too...you know, for like checking out bombs & stuff, right? Like airport security. "She's smuggling drugs!!! Dibs on the cavity search!!!"
Y- Youngest or Oldest?: Oldest & Best
Z- Zodiac Sign: Taurus - According to Wikipedia, this means that some of my positive characteristics are disciplined (see U above), good sense of humor, great work ethic, artistic, loving, romantic, strong, sexual, trustworthy, stable, calm, tenacious, easy-going, patient, honest, resourceful, and faithful. The bad side is that I'm stubborn, opinionated, overindulgent, and overly self-conscious. Apparently, I'm compatible with earthy signs like Capricorns (Jesus, Elvis, & Vinny...think about that for a second), Virgos (Mickey & the Mad Scientist), Pisces (Kelaudri), and Cancers (brother Kiel & Bubbles). Interesting...

Anyway, have a great night everybody!!! Catch up with you tomorrow. Sleep tight!!!

Raul Julia Rules

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Still no news on Vegas. I know...I'm sorry. Would help out if I could...but basically just spent the day with my dad helping him with stuff around the house and watching "Rambo", "Jumper" (which I've already talked about...but did see the missing first 15 minutes of Jumper that I missed the first time...still sucked) and "Tequila Sunrise" with Mel Gibson, Michelle Pfeiffer (smokin'), Kurt Russell, and the late great Raul Julia. This is a pretty good movie about a pair of buddies. One's a cop (Russell), the other's a drug middleman trying to go straight (Gibson) and they both fall for a stunning restauranteur (Pfeiffer) while they're trying to work out their professional troubles. Raul Julia is his usual awesome self too. Check it out if you haven't already. Not sold? There's fairly steamy late 80's Pfeiffer-on-Gibson action. Now what? Anyway, like I said, that's about it...so here's the news...


Bikinis Make Men Impulsive - New research shows that bikinis and other sexy stimuli can make men more prone to seek immediate gratification - leading to blown diets, budgets and bank accounts. In other news, the sun does indeed rise in the East. In the study, detailed in the Journal of Consumer Research, men fondled t-shirts and bras and viewed ads with women in bikinis. After doing so, figures showed that men valued the future less and the present more. It wasn't that the men were simply distracted by their sexual arousal, which caused them to choose more impulsively. On the contrary, they exhibited improved cognition and creativity after exposure to sexy stimuli (I know my imagination goes wild). The researchers conclude that there is one common appetite system in the brain monitoring our desire for a host of pleasures from sweets to pretty faces, alcohol to lotto winnings. When it is stimulated by, say, a sexy picture or the smell of baked goods, we experience a general craving for anything pleasant. Lead research Bram Van Den Bergh and colleagues rendered the bikini-effect powerless by satiating the stirred appetite with a different type of reward - financial security. When the men felt well-off, the bikinis lost their influence. But if they considered themselves among the have-nots, they were likely to seek immediate gratification after seeing women running in bikinis. The research is somewhat interesting…and you can read on with the link. It's another excuse for me to through up a picture of a woman in a bikini. You're welcome, men. Now buy my stuff.


Fishing is Instinctive - Long-tailed macaque (pronounced Ma-Cock) monkeys have a reputation for knowing how to find food — whether it be grabbing fruit from jungle trees or snatching a banana from a startled tourist. Now, researchers say they have discovered groups of the silver-haired monkeys in Indonesia that fish. The species had been known to eat fruit and forage for crabs and insects, but never before fish from rivers. Some other primates have exhibited fishing behavior including Japanese macaques, chacma baboons, olive baboons, chimpanzees and orangutans. Why is this such startling research to the science community? Men finally have a reason to explain why they go fishing…because it's part of their mammalian instincts. Man (and apparently our ancestors) cannot live on fruit and random tourist banana alone. Notre Dame anthropologist Agustin Fuentes says, "It was not surprising to me because they are very adaptive. If you provide them with an opportunity to get something tasty, they will do their best to get it." So ladies…got off your man's back about going fishing. If you want him to stay home, get on his front & offer him something tastier…like some sweet, sweet sugar…then you'll both be happy.


General's Fried Chicken - It's the Bomb!!! - Simsbury (CT) police Capt. Matthew Catania says a motorist noticed the a roasted chicken on the side of the road Friday morning. The problem with this one…was that there was a pipe bomb stuffed inside of instead of the giblets. He says the bomb was large enough to harm a person if it went off. The road was closed while the Hartford Police Department's bomb squad came and blew up the chicken. Nobody was injured. No arrests had been made Monday night. What kind of person would destroy a perfectly good roasted chicken that way? Actually, I probably would. At least it wasn't like a firecracker and a cat or something. This chicken was already roasted & honey glazed…then they just added that little kick. I don't know…some people are just weird. Besides, watermelons are so much more fun for that kind of thing. At least it gave me an excuse to pull out the "Undercover Brother" reference. Billy Dee Williams should be a spokesperson for fried chicken. "I used to work at the Pentagon…now I help you get your chicken on."


Panda Update - Nearly a month after she was crushed to death when China's devastating earthquake collapsed the wall of her enclosure, 9-year-old Mao Mao was laid to rest Tuesday in a wooden crate and wheeled to a quiet corner of the Wolong panda breeding center. The center's director stood cap in hand and shoveled in a few spades of dirt. Then Mao Mao's keeper, He Changgui stepped forward crying, and arranged two apples and a piece of bread by the grave. Three minutes of silence followed as workers gathered around the grave. As He Changgui turned away red-eyed after Tuesday's burial, the director of U.S.-based Pandas International, Suzanne Braden, put her arm around him. "You must look after her babies, OK?" said Braden, who had arrived a day earlier to survey the quake damage and help in the recovery. "And their babies." He nodded. "I will go back to see her everyday." The facility was badly damaged by the May 12th quake but officials initially thought all 64 pandas had survived. Tell me that stuff isn't touching though. Unfortunately, we've all had to bury loved ones. It's one of the tragedies and beauties of life…that we're all mortal (except the Highlander & Dracula) and our precious time on this planet must be lived to the fullest. I just think that it's amazing, the kind of ceremony for a fallen panda…and I could only hope that when I pass on (hopefully a few millennia from now) that I would be remembered well. Mao Mao Zai Jian. May you be surrounded by hot Panda tail in the next realm.


Anyway, that'll about do it for me today. Nothing much else to rant about...so I guess I'll see ya around. Oh, how about this little "Firefly" test to find out what character I am? Apparently, I'm the nerdy & brilliant Dr. Simon Tam...who ends up tapping the hot mechanic Kaylee. Booyakasha!!! However, I can't seem to get it to fit my blog...but whatever. That would've been my guess too. Have a great day everybody!!!

Robots & Muppets

Good Afternoon again Ladies & Gentlemen,

Got a little bored and checked out some of my favorite blogs...and stumbled upon a few things...like the Muppets in music videos...and my cyborg name. Hope you all enjoy!!!

Get Your Cyborg Name

A Quiz from Pirate Monkey

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

So here's how it went down. I was working until midnight on Mother's Day...and was bored out of my mind. Lo & behold, I stumble upon a pretty entertaining and somewhat unique quiz from Pirate Monkey and thought I'd do it...and share my answers with you. If you don't care, feel free to skim on down to my earlier Mother's Day post and see some pictures of my hottie mom & the Blaze game last night. If you're interested, here we go...

1. You have $5 and need to buy snacks at a gas station. What do buy?

Chili Cheese Fritos are usually a good bet. Nachos too depending on the accompanying condiments.

2. If you were reincarnated as a sea creature, what would you want to be?

An otter because then I could crack open clams on my rock-hard abs...and the ladies think I'm cute

3. Who's your favorite redhead?

I love redheads...but I'd have to go with Mary Magdalene. If she's good enough for Jesus, she's good enough for me. Scully would be hot too.

4. What do you order when you're at IHOP?

Usually a chicken fried steak dinner with hash browns, a side of buttermilk pancakes, bacon, and cranberry juice.

5. Last book you read?

"One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish" by Dr. Seuss to my niece Kelaudri.

6. Describe your favorite pair of underwear.

MY favorite pair? Anything that's warming her ankles. Favorite that I own? My Lucky 7's from Vegas.

7. Describe the last time you were injured.

Bad injured? I sprained an ankle really good about five years ago. Little injured? My heart is constantly breaking with everybody moving on... (sniff sniff)

8. Of all your friends, who would you want to be stuck in a well with?

Bubbles...but I'm pretty sure that she wouldn't like it one bit. In that case, I'll go with Ruben because he's my only friend taller & bigger than I am...so we'd have a better shot of getting out of there.

9. Steelers or Cowboys?

EAGLES!!! Lame question. Anybody BUT the Cowboys.

10. What is the wallpaper of your mobile phone?

Midnight Q starring Quagmire - "Giggidy giggidy...giggidy goo."

11. Fizzy drink?

Mountain Dew

12. What type of top/teeshirt are you wearing?

Albert Wine-stein - Drink a few glasses and become a genius (Part of my Einstein collection)

13. If you could only use one form of transportation for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Time traveling DeLorian...or the Millennium Falcon

14. Most recent movie you've watched at the cinema:

Ironman - It's awesome, go check it out.

15. How do you feel about your love life right now?

Perplexed and horny

16. What's your favorite kind of cake?

German chocolate

17. What did you have for dinner last night?

Kettle corn & a giant pretzel

18. Favorite Weird Al song?

"The Night Santa Went Crazy" and I also really like his Polka songs

19. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

Yes, I do

20. Favorite toy as a child?

Basketball and Captain Power

21. Do you buy your own food?

Yup, I live alone

22. Han Solo or Malcolm Reynolds?

Snaps!!! That's a good one. Mal speaks Chinese...but Han befriends Wookies (my people). I have to go with Malcolm Reynolds though...because then I'd get to hang out with Kaylee, the hottie engineer.

23. When's the last time you had a double tall caffinated thingy with extra foam?

Is that a beverage or some new intriguing sexual experience?

24. What's your favorite fruit?

Peach, I can eat one for hours

25. Do you have a picture of yourself doing a cartwheel?

No, but the video camera at the Pioneer Museum might have a few pics of me doing a cartwheel...after hours.

26. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?

Have I really ever HAD one? No. Thanks for bringing it up though.

27. Have you ever eaten snow?

Yeah, it's been hours.

28. What color are your bedsheets?

Crimson

29. What's your mom's favorite flower?

Lilacs, I believe...

30. Is there anything weirder than the site GoofyAuctions. com?

Probably?

31. Do you listen to classical music?

Sometimes when I'm trying to relax. There's a few days worth on my iPod

32. Do you have a "wacky noodle"?

Is this a trick question?

33. Do you watch Spongebob?

Nope. I'm more of a Bob the Builder guy.

34. Last food you ate?

Some stir fry that I wokked up with extra water chestnuts and a peanut sauce

35. Do people consider you intelligent?

They ask me for advice and to answer questions...so I would hope so. Either that or I'm incredibly entertaining...maybe both.

36. Rachel or Monica?

Monica Bellucci, love those Fritalians.

37. Page or Clapton?

Clapton is GOD!!!

38. Have you ever tried gluing your fingers together?

Seriously?

39. What curse word do you use the most?

Probably the numerous forms of f**k...but it's definitely my favorite curse word to do

40. Would you ever get the top AND bottom of you navel pierced?

I think it's safe to say no on that one...since the AND was in there.

41. What time is your damn alarm clock set for?

6:30 because I open tomorrow and I'm jogging now

42. What CD is currently in your CD player?

My "Funk Me Gently" mix

43. What movie do you know every line to?

Back to the Future, Revenge of the Nerds, Ghostbusters, Scarface, and a few others

44. What is your favorite salad dressing?

Chunky bleu cheese...because it's so good, yet it looks like it should kill me

45. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?

Depends on the tattoos...and it's a great way to make her casually bear a little skin on a first date. You already know that I'm a naturally curious person when it comes to body art. Adding the incentive that it's done on beautiful porcelain and can smile back is like adding bacon to a stack of pancakes.

46. How old will you be turning on your next birthday?

Ugh...28. Why not just ask me how old I am? "How old will you be in 2035?" Ugh...let's see, carry the one...ugh 54. Well, 53 before my birthday and 54 after my birthday.

47. Do you enjoy giving hugs?

Of course...especially naked hugs.

48. Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?

A few months ago...but I'm usually fairly cool under pressure

49. What's the way people most often mispronounce your name?

Keith or Pete

50. If you were to become famous, would you drop your last name?

Probably not, my last name is distinctive...and sexy. It sells itself.

51. What is your name?

Steven Jay (Love)

52. What is your quest?

To drink from the Cup of Christ, save the girl, and take over the world

53. What is the average airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

With or without a coconut?

54. Hot dogs or Hamburgers?

Hamburgers

55. Original series or Next Generation?

Star Trek? Probably the Next Generation...because I think Picard could take Kirk

Congratulations to All You Graduates!!!

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

My dad & I met up and we went to see "Iron Man" starring Robert Downey jr. as Tony Stark/Iron Man, Terence Howard as General Rhodes/War Machine (spoiler for the sequel), Gwyneth Paltrow as Pepper Potts/Eye Candy, and something that caught me completely off guard...the Dude himself, Jeff Bridges as Obadiah Stane/Iron Monger. The Dude was the bad guy. I just couldn't grasp it at first...but eventually I did. For those of you who aren't comic nerds like me, it's basically the story of a brilliant smartass engineer billionairre who owns a company that makes the best, most advanced weaponry in the world. During a trip to Pakistan to pitch his newest weapon, he's kidnapped and told to build it for the bad guys...or he dies. Instead he builds a metal suit that allows him to be bulletproof, fly, and escape the compound to return home and change his life for the better...by becoming a superhero and saving the world. It goes on from there...but basically, it's a great action movie that I'm sure will make millions & millions of dollars in box offices, merchandise sales, and sequels (they introduced War Machine, S.H.I.E.L.D., and there's plenty of other bad guys). I'd say go ahead and check it out...if not for the action & comic book nerdiness...for Robert Downey's one-liners. Kudos to Jon Favreau!!! Much much better than "Daredevil" was.

After the movie, we returned home to meet up with my stepmom so that they could take me out for a birthday dinner...to Chili's. It was good times. I hadn't really talked to my stepmom in a while so I caught her up on all the Vegas possibilities...and of course, she's supportive of the move...and says that she'll visit, which was expected. For dinner, I had some buffalo chicken fajitas (with bacon & blue cheese) and they were delicious. Oh, by the way, I almost forgot to mention...that I got a badass gifts from the Wingmans yesterday, an autographed copy of the book by Jan Haley entitled "J. Rooker, Manatee" about what else, manatees...and a book by Michael Blanchet entitled "How to Beat the Video Games" about...any guesses? How to beat video games such as Pac-Man, Tempest, Asteroids, Donkey Kong, and all the others made pre 1982. Awesome!!!

After dinner, I was invited to loyal blog reader Lilie's graduation party at her family's house...which was absolutely amazing. It's like a castle from the outside...and a luxurious estate on the inside. Got to meet her parents, family, and a few people from work like the Mad Scientist were there too. It was a pretty good way to spend a few hours to say the least. While there, I got a call from Bubbles...and she just wanted to say hi & she can't wait until I visit. Sure, she was a little tipsy...but it was still nice to hear from her. Congratulations Lilie!!! Thanks for the kickin' party. Tonight, I'm going to another graduation party for Alta, who probably doesn't even know my blog exists...but still congratulations to her too!!!

Other than that, not much going on. Laundry & other errands today, maybe go get "Grand Theft Auto IV" if the feeling comes over me, then party tonight at Alta's. It's the last day of my three day weekend, so I'm going to relax while I can. Also, I just wanted to thank Doc for his kind words about my blog the other day...and suggest that you all check out his site. Have a great day everybody...and apparently my element is Earth. Enjoy!!!

Your Element Is Earth

You excel at planning and strategizing. You could be a champ at chess or Survivor. Well grounded, you are able to be realistic and rationalize. On the inside, you have a hard core. It's tough to phase you. You are super productive, and you are able to think anything through. Focused and super charged, your instincts are a good guide for your next step.

What's Your Element?

It's a Good Thing I'm Charming

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday was an extremely lazy day…but it was good because I wasn't feeling too well. I also got a lot of belated birthday wishes from the Wingmans, Camb, Brooklyn, and basically everybody else who I didn't hang out with on Saturday. I basically watched a LOT of NBA playoff basketball and some pretty good games…but the best & worst part came midday. I was texting Bubbles, who lives in Vegas and is eagerly anticipating my move when/if it occurs. She was feeling pretty bad during my birthday, so I was checking to make sure that she was okay and feeling better…because that's what I do. Anyway, shortly after sending her a text message, my phone rings…and I notice that it's a call from Vegas. Awesome, Bubbles is calling to talk in person. Now, a little back-story. Because we're cool cats who call each other in a workplace environment a lot, we tend to use our very proper, overly kind, high-pitched phone voices when we call each other at work (otherwise our sultry voices sound like we're trying to undress you over the phone…and that gets awkward at work). Also, we both liked "Cable Guy" starring Jim Carrey…and particularly the scene where he sings "The Girl from Ipanema" for hold music. I know, we're dorks…but we're sexy...and that's the back-story. So in comes the call.

$teve: "What's up?"
Female Voice: "Good afternoon, is this Mr. $teve?"
$teve: "Just a moment please. Na da dada dada dadadada… (that's my hold music) Hello?"
Female Voice: "Ugh…hello? Mr. $teve?"
$teve: "Yes? Is this…Bubbles?"
Female Voice: "Ugh…no. This is (HR director) from (future employer in Vegas). I'm sorry…was that…you doing the hold music?"
$teve: "OH!!! Ugh…yes, that was me. I apologize. I thought that you were my friend calling from Vegas. We have these inside jokes and…my apologies. I…really wasn't expecting a call…such as yours on a Sunday afternoon."
Female Voice: "Oh that's okay. It was just…weird."
$teve: "I can understand that. Anyway, how can I be of assistance?"

So this was how my first interview for the position in Vegas started. After that, it was pretty standard. They asked me why I'd be good for the company and what I was expecting from the position and what kind of schedule I was interested in and all the usual stuff. I think that I did fairly well for being caught off-guard…and being the world's biggest dumbass for the first thirty seconds. To be honest though, she's the one that called me on a Sunday afternoon though. Anyway, after that, I had to call Bubbles to let her know…and it made her day. As it did for the Wingmans, JL Clyde, Ashley, and my mom…who all called within the hour when I was thinking to myself, "Holy crap! They're not going to call back. She probably thinks I'm retarded or something. Oh well. Her loss." So yeah, I'll keep you posted on progress with that.

This morning at work was quite hectic, because we were moving into our new building and getting the computer set up and getting coworkers use to the new surroundings. Busy busy busy…but we got it handled. Other than that, not much going on really. Get off around five today…and I'm going to have some fun…or at least watch some great basketball. I love the first round of the playoffs. GO SPURS!!! Also, happy birthday to my now 14-year old cousins K & T. I still remember babysitting you little brats…but now you're growing up into big brat squeally teenagers. Too bad. Anyway, here's a quiz things that I was sent through MySpace by one of my favorite felons and party throwers, Bren.

FIRSTS

1. Who was your FIRST prom date?
Rebekah - We were on the Academic Olympiad team together. The cork went unpopped.

2. Do you still talk to your FIRST love?
Haven't heard from her in over a year now

3. What was your FIRST alcoholic drink?
My dad let me sip his beer when I was three years old…and I spit it back all over him. "YUCKY!!!" Didn't drink again until I was 18. Free lesson for all you parents out there. No need to thank me, just pay it forward.

4. What was your FIRST job?
Dishwasher at Freeway Café in Ogden - Lasted four days…then I quit

5. What was your FIRST car?
Firecracker red '85 Chevrolet Camaro with 2.8L V6 5-speed engine - Her name is Carmen

6. Who was the FIRST person to text you today?
Ashley, my sister-in-law sending me a racist joke. Just kiddin', she was reminding me that it was K & T's birthdays, like I forgot or something.

7. Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning?
It doesn't matter. She wasn't really there.

8. Who was your FIRST grade teacher?
Mrs. V - She only taught for two years…but her husband was my Calculus teacher a decade later…and he creeped me out by showing me my 1st grade picture (complete with black & yellow striped dress shirt…love the 80's) when I was a senior in high school. "Where the hell did you get that?" "Who was your 1st grade teacher?" "Mrs. V…you're bangin' Mrs. V???" "I would hope so. She's my wife." Yeah, I'm an idiot. They had the same last name…but it never clicked until that point.

9. Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane?
DISNEYLAND!!! We won a sweepstakes thing at Mervyn's and we had a talking car and everything. It was awesome.

10. Who was your FIRST best friend and are you still friends?
A neighbor kid named Steve when I lived in Ogden…but I haven't seen him since we moved away twenty years ago.

11. What was your FIRST sport played?
I was a soccer goalie…and the best…but then I moved to basketball…and am still the best.

12. Where was your FIRST sleep over?
Hell if I remember. Probably at Isaihia's a long, long time ago.

13. Who was the FIRST person you talked to today?
Myself - I know, it's schizo…but it gets me ready for the day. Deal with it.

14. Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time?
I was the ring bearer in my Aunt Marie's wedding. I think I was six.

15. What was the FIRST thing you did this morning?
Your mom…and then I peed.

16. What was the FIRST concert you ever went to?
The first one I remember going to was Billy Joel

17. FIRST tattoo or piercing?
TBD

18. FIRST foreign country you went to?
We did a road trip when I was about eight that took us briefly through Calgary. Don't recall much. After that, it was my 5-week European vacation when I was eighteen.

19. What was your FIRST run in with the law?
My first car was a Camaro. I got speeding tickets for being parked. F**k the police!!!

20. When was your FIRST detention?
About 5th or 6th grade, we got a new principal…who had Reese's Peanut Butter Cups on his desk…so I made it my purpose to be sent there every just about every day (but always after my school work was done). After a while, he asked me straight up, "Do you just get in trouble to get some peanut butter cups?" "Yeah…and it's kinda fun." "Well, tell you what. If you wanna just come in and say howdy or something, instead of getting in trouble. Feel free to stop by & have a peanut butter cup. Then you won't have to stand up in class and tell your teacher to shut up to get sent here." "Okay. Sounds good."

21. What was the FIRST state you lived in?
Utah

22. Who was the FIRST person to break your heart?
My dad - "You know E.T. isn't real, right?"

23. Who was your FIRST roommate?
Jamie, a military brat from Ras Tanuri. Though it sounds like a bad ass Jamaican hideout…it's actually in Saudi Arabia. He was cool…but moved out a few months later…and was replaced by Hung Nhut Nguyen (not joking, the kid's name was Hung Nhut) a Korean student who made the most delicious and smelly dinner.

24. Where did you go on your FIRST limo ride?
The Ritz-Carlton, Central Park hooked me up with a ride to the airport. I was twenty-two, I think.

25. Who will be the FIRST to repost this?
I have no idea…but only the cool cats will leave comments.

That'll do it. Big thanks to Cat for bringing me in a birthday cake today at work!!! I'd show you a picture...but I don't have my camera handy...and it's already half eaten. It was a Pixar's "Cars" theme with $teve "Lightning" McQueen on it. Ch-kow!!! Ch-kow!!! Have a great day everybody!!!

Quiz For Non-Teenagers

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

I got a little bored...and to keep from falling asleep, I did one of these questionairre things again. Feel free to do it too if you'd like and post it on your blog...but make sure that you let me know so I check it out. Here it goes...

Tired of all of those surveys made up by high school kids?
'Have you ever kissed someone?
''Missed someone?
''Told someone you loved them?
''Drank alcohol?'...
50 questions for the people who are a little older and out of high school....

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Rent - I just sleep here

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
Romantic? Wow. I'm gonna say...IHOP.

3. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to?
Not at all - Honestly couldn't have asked for better

4. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
I would have taken out Hitler before it was too late. Wait, was that the question?

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
Mrs. Vandenbosch - Her husband was my Calculus teacher senior year of high school. Cosmic.

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Adriana Lima

7. What did you wanna be when you grew up?
A professional basketball player

8. How many colleges did you attend?
Two

9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
It was the cleanest one coming back from Vegas for the weekend

10. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
I remember when it was under a dollar a gallon...and I'm not that old

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you where would it be?
Deserted tropical island...and anyone who looks good in coconuts.

12. First thought when the alarm goes off in the morning?
"Where'd she go?"

13. Last thought before going to sleep at night?
"There she is"

14. Do you miss being a child?
Not at all - Puberty was good to me

16. What errand/chore do you despise?
Car Maintenance

17. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer?
I do both...but volunteer much less

18. Get up early or sleep in?
Sleep in

19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
Jessica Rabbit

20. Favorite thing to do at night with a girl/guy?
Girl - See them dance sexy while drinking beer
Guy - See sexy girls and drink beer

21. Have you found real love yet?
Wouldn't have so much time on my hands if I had

22. When did you start feeling old?
When I was dating an 18 year old last year...and listened to her music

24. Your favorite lunch meat?
Bacon

25. What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart?
Greater sense of self-worth

26. Beach or lake?
Beach

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
Not at all - I think you just have to know the other person well

28. Do you own property?
Not personally, I rent

29. Favorite Guilty pleasure?
American Gladiators

30. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about?
Adventures in Babysitting

31. What's your drink?
Mountain Dew

32. Cowboys or Indians?
Indians - They help me with my computer via telephone

33. Cops or Robbers?
Cops - They dress better

34. Who from high school would you like to run in to?
The nerdy girl that I hung out with who blossomed into a Victoria's Secret supermodel

35. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
88.5 so that I can listen to my iPod

36. Norm or Cliff?
Woody

37. Grey's or 'The Office?
"Assistant TO the General Manager"

38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
Being such a puss - I should be more of a prick

39. Do you like the person that sits directly across from you at work?
Usually - I digs all the peoples I work with

40. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Adriana Lima

41. Whats your favorite thing to do in the woods?
Number two...until I have dinner with Adriana Lima

42. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
Not in a long time...but of course

43. Have you every used a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
Nope

44. Last book you read?
"Baby NOT on Board" - Thanks Bubbles

45. Do you have a teddy bear?
I have a few - My nickname used to be Pooh Bear

46. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
Chengdu, China

47. Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to go?
I think Lake Tahoe's the only place that I haven't seen

48. Do you go to church?
Not for many years

49. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
The way things are going, probably both

50. How old are you?
This many (hands gesture 26)

Worst Weekend Ever...a Decade Ago

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, it was this day ten years ago that I wrote in my journal (yeah, I've got a real life paper journal full of ramblings like this too) that I was the luckiest mother lover alive. See, it went something like that. I was a sophomore in high school...and for my English class, we wrote children's books (complete with illustrations). I was paired up with a superhottie to make it...and she really liked the story that I made up. Basically it was just an illustration of Aesop's fable about the Sun and the Wind. If you don't know it, I'd be happy to tell you...another time. Anyway, I drew the short straw or something and had to bring treats for the kindergarten class that we were going to read the stories to the next day. The next morning, I got some gas across the street from the supermarket where I worked. Then it hit me, "Crap! I forgot the treats." Now, I had to go across the street in the wee hours of the morning to get some multi-flavored Tootsie Rolls...because who doesn't like those?

Anyway, long story short, while trying to cross the street in my Pontiac 6000, I got T-boned by a Ford Bronco (driven by an old classmate of mine) going about 60 in a 35 (police reports, I don't remember the actual hit), and to avoid going into elaborate gory detail, the right side of my face was tore up, the dashboard left a gaping wound in my right leg, and glass was in my arms, hands, and face. Not a pretty sight at all...but I was lucky. I spent the next two days in the hospital getting CAT scanned, stitched back together, freaking out about WORK & SCHOOL of all things, giving addresses & phone numbers from when I was a child, and having to see friends & family walk in to see me in my room...and then kind of look to the side to avoid eye contact. Not the best time of my life...at all. However, thankfully I'm a fast healer, so about a week later, I was going back to school with only a few obvious scars on my face. I heard all the Scarface jokes there were about it though too.

Funny little story about this, a few days after I went back to school, I also went back to work. Like I said, the accident happened right in front of the supermarket I worked at, so a few employees had seen the paramedics dragging me out of the car and all that. Well, I walked in with my apron on...and noticed that one of the cashiers was staring at me...stunned and frightened out of her mind. Then I went to see my boss Ann and she was really surprised to see me too. "Hey $teve, are you okay?" "Yeah, been out of it the past week or so...but I'm good to go, I think." "Cool. Well, officially...we were told by (stunned cashier) and a few others that...well, you had died in a car accident." "Oh, well...that's not the case but...does that mean I'm not scheduled to work today anymore?" "Hahaha, well...no, but if you still want to work here I can take the Help Wanted sign down." "Oh man, that explains why she looked so...I'd better go talk to (stunned cashier). She probably thinks that she saw a ghost. Creepy." Anyway, enough about that. It was a decade ago...and I'm fairly better looking now. Still have a few scars that I look at once in a while to remember how lucky I am to be alive. Somebody was watching out for me that day. Happy Anniversary!!! Oh yeah...and I never saw superhottie again...because apparently she thought that I was dead too...and moved away. Tried to get a hold of her to tell her I was okay...but nobody knew how to get a hold of her. Weird, right?

Not much else has really gone on the past few days. I hate to admit it. So I thought I'd show you a few hilarious Matt Damon videos. The first is his collaboration with Sarah Silverman…and the second is the catchy tune "Scotty Doesn't Know" from the movie Eurotrip that a mentioned a few weeks ago. Enjoy!!!






Would You? - Electrical retailer Comet surveyed 2,000 Brits, asking them what they would give up for a large television. Nearly HALF of the men surveyed said that they would give up sex for six months in return for a 50-inch plasma screen TV, whereas about a third of women surveyed said that they would. "It seems that size really does matter more for men than women," the firm said with an Oscar Wilde wit. (Tehehee, firm) Survey results always showed that about a quarter of the people would give up smoking or chocolate. What does this prove? Move to the United Kingdom…because apparently they have the world's best cigarettes & chocolate. Okay, maybe it doesn't prove it…but the alternative is that they have the world's most unfulfilling sex lives. Would you willingly give up sex for six months for a big screen? Me neither…but then again, I already have one. Here's a word association quiz that was sent to me via MySpace. I was bored.

Word Association Quiz

1. Beer: Good
2. Anorexic: Kate Moss
3. Relationships: Tricky
4. Purple: Pretty
5. Power Rangers: Pink is hot
6. Weed: No thanks
7. Steroids: Baseball
8. Cartoons: Funny
9. The President: Tehehe, Bush...
10. Tupperware: PARTY!!!
11. Best Vacation: With Somebody
12. Santa Claus: Jolly
13. Halloween: Hot Devils in Mini-Skirts
14. Bon Jovi: Slippery When Wet
15. Grammar: Have JL Clyde check it, I give up
16. Facebook: Another MySpace
17. Worst Fear: Groin Injuries
18. Marriage: Only 2B Done Once
19. Paris Hilton: What's that smell?
21. Redhead: HOT!!!
22. Blonde: Not so hot...but easily tricked
23. Pass the Time: Is that supposed to be Thyme?
24. One Night Stands: Not my cup o' tea
25. Donald Trump: Your daughter's hot
26. Neverland: Jesus Juice
27. Pixie Sticks: Why?
28. Vanilla Ice Cream: On top of waffles
29. High School: Jailbait
30. Work: Corporate Pimpin'
31. Pajamas: PARTY!!!
32. Woods: Morning
33. Wet Sock: Afternoon
34. Alcohol: Evening
35. Love: After Dark

Have a great weekend everybody!!! Don't forget to wow your woman this Valentine's Day!!!

100 Questions About My Favorite Subject

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
Open...but it's because I have a TV with Nintendo (old school), PS2, and 3-disc CD changer in there...oh and a few clothes

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
Did you know that they sell similar sized shampoos & soaps from the Ritz-Carlton in those fancy stores for about $40 a pop? You'd be a fool not to at least take it home as a test sample.

3. Have you ever had sex in a hotel room?
Yes...tehehehehe (I have a family relative witness who was in the other bed in a wine-induced coma)

4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
Yes...but you can't prove anything. That speed limit sign was coming down anyway.

5. Do you like to use post-it notes?
I like to leave little messages for coworkers with them...like "Hey, you rock! Your buddy, Steve. P.S. Sorry about the love stains on the seat."

6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
I don't cut out coupons...but I have kept some WAY past expiration date

7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?
Wow....I'd say a big bear. You can put that on a tombstone. That's just a thing of mine. Since I guess I have to die eventually, I want it to be something that I won't be ashamed to put on a tombstone. Maybe with an accompanying picture chiseled into the granite. Like the bear, fierce & clad in battle armor (like Golden Compass or something), and me standing there naked with a a knife in one hand and my magic stick in the other. You know, something like that...that'll make people wonder, "Who the hell was this guy?"

8. Are you currently in love?
Not really. I love my family & friends...but not that hot, steamy, passionate stuff...but the day is young, who knows?

9. Do you always smile for pictures?
I am the least photogenic person on Earth. It's been proven. However, I will smile for pictures if given the opportunity. Everybody's hotter when they smile.

10. What is your biggest pet peeve?
When they crap on the carpet.

11. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
Tucked out? What exactly does that mean? I like to think I sleep with them tucked up.

12. Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
No...but it would definitely come in handy if I were ever stricken blind.

13. Have you ever peed in the woods?
When you're a man, the world is your urinal.

14. Do you ever dance even if there's no music playing?
There's always music playing in my head...and it's usually Kylie Minogue and her damn catchy ditties.

15. Do you chew your pens and pencils?
No. I don't have that whole oral fixation thing.

16. How many people have you slept with this week?
Week? Month? Year? Not as many as you would hope for a nice guy like me...

17. Do you like popcorn from those big tins?
Caramel popcorn kicks ass

18. What is your "song of the week"?
Hmm, don't really have one...maybe the "Whisper Song"

19. Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
Sure. I don't anticipate that I'll wear pink...but who knows?

20. Do you still watch cartoons?
I was up all night watching Adult Swim on Cartoon Network. Hell, ALL I watch is cartoons.

21. Whats your favorite scary movie?
The Hannibal Lechter movies

22. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
The Blue Lagoon

23. What do you drink with dinner?
Water or Mountain Dew usually

24. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
Blue Cheese if possible...or ranch

25. What is your favorite food/ cuisine?
Pizza

26. What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
Big Lebowski, Scarface, Fight Club, Back to the Future, etc.

27. Last person you kissed/kissed you?
Technically, my niece Kairi

28. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
I was. About the time I got to Webelos...that's when I decided it wasn't for me.

29. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
Already have. There's a foldout.

30. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
Handwritten? Letter? That's not very professional (and I have horrible penmanship) so it must have been back in grade school...before computers were big.

31. Can you change the oil on a car?
Yes. It's one of the few things that I can do.

32. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
Probably a dozen...and I drive like a grandma. Never drive a red Camaro unless you like paying tickets for no reason.

33. Ran out of gas?
My Baby's gas meter is a little tricky. I've done it twice...but track my miles now.

34. Favorite kind of sandwich?
Chicken, bacon, blue cheese, maybe some crumbled fritos on some good whole wheat bread. Tell me that doesn't sound great.

35. Best thing to eat for breakfast?
Pancakes

36. What is your usual bedtime?
Usually a little after 1 AM

37. Are you lazy?
Yeah, I could do so much more...but I could also do a lot less.

38. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for halloween?
A lot of silly stuff. For example, once I wore a clear plastic bag with mutli-colored balloons under it...and said I was a bag of jelly beans. "In the ghettooooo..."

40. How many languages can you speak?
Two, English & German. Ja, das ist richtig. Deutsch.

41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
I used to get Sports Illustrated...but not any more. I'm thinking Maxim or FHM might be a good choice.

42. Which are better legos or lincoln logs?
Legos, of course. I'm offended by the question.

43. Are you stubborn?
Like a Fox...or an Ass I guess.

44. Who is better...Leno or Letterman?
Conan O'Brien

45. Ever watch soap operas?
Not really...but I love to check them out at work during a break once in a while...because it's the same stupid stuff as when I was forced to watch them when I was babysat by my aunt twenty-plus years ago...and everything is drawn out with that dramatic violin strum / slow camera zoom-in, then quick flash to something going on elsewhere in town that has been paused since a half-hour earlier in the show. Ridiculously horrible.

46. Afraid of heights?
Wouldn't it be weird if I were? You know, being really tall. No? I think it would be.

47. Sing in the car?
That's what a car is for, right? Isolation chamber so nobody else has to hear you sing.

48. Dance in the shower?
That gets dangerous after a certain point. Believe me, I have the scars to prove it.

49. Dance in the car?
Mostly head-bopping & slapping the steering wheel

50. Ever used a gun?
I grew up in cow country. I have used MANY guns...effectively.

51. Last thing you put in your mouth?
A spoon...with cereal attached.

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?
I thought that was the point...

53. Is christmas stressful?
If you let it be.

54. Ever eat a pirogi?
Enough to know it's spelled Pierogi. My aunt Sissy (who actually died two days ago) made the best Pierogies ever.

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?
Peach... :P

56. Occupations you wanted to have when you were a kid?
Professional Basketball Player, archeologist, billionaire, etc.

57. Do you believe in ghosts?
Not really...but I think it's possible...and my buddy Johnny swears to this day that he was sucker punched by a ghost (whose headstone Johnny had molested...literally, in a drunken trip into the west desert of Utah)

58. Ever have a feeling of deja-vu ?
All the time...but it's mostly because I think I see them in dreams...then they happen.

59. Take a vitamin daily?
Nope.

60. Wear slippers?
I have some nice lion head slippers that I trot around in during the winter...or when I'm loungin'

62. What do you wear to bed?
A smile usually

63. First concert?
Def Leppard...in the womb

64. Wal-Mart, Target or K-Mart?
Walmart

65. Nike or Adidas?
Converse

66.Cheetos Or Fritos?
Fritos...mmm Honey BarBQ

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
Yes, thank you

68. Ever hear of "gorp"?
No...but it sounds delicious

69. Ever take dance lessons?
Yes, I'm a very good ballroom dancer

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
Victoria's Secret supermodel

71. Can you curl your tongue?
Yes I can

72. Ever won a spelling bee?
All the time when I was a kid

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
All the time. It's a side effect of having my face reconfigured after a pretty bad car accident. Hmm, the 10 year anniversary is coming up really soon.

74. Own any record albums?
Like actual big 10-inch records? No...but I do have a few 8-tracks

75. Own a record player?
My dad does...but doesn't have records anymore.

76. Regularly burn incense?
Nope. My sense of smell is...less than satisfactory.

77. Ever been in love?
I like to think so...but probably not if I'm unsure about it, right?

78. Who would you like to see in concert?
Still alive? How about Isaac Hayes? Make that happen Amy Grant.

79. What was the last concert you saw?
Tech Nine!!!

81.Tea or coffee?
Green tea

82. Favorite kind of cookie?
Mmm, the kind that heats up the closer you get

85. Are you patient?
Extremely patient

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?
DJ

87. Ever won a contest?
Trip to Disneyland when I was a kid. Lots of academic BS in high school...but that's more competition than contest.

88. Ever have plastic surgery?
Just to put my face back together...and LASIK.

89. Which are better black or green olives?
Green

90.Can you knit or crochet?
Crochet? Isn't that the game with the balls and those hammers that's like golf only dumber?

91. Best room for a fireplace?
Living room or bedroom

92. Do you want to get married?
Eventually...but only if I meet the right girl. Or if I meet more than one, then I'd like to start a compound but not get married...because that's illegal.

94. Who was your HS crush?
Ann - I had a supercrush on her for a long time, asked her out to senior cottilion. She accepted. It was a pretty lame, awkward date. She didn't seem to like my style. The first time I got drunk, I wrote her a poem. It sucked if I remember correctly. I never sent it. Just threw it away. Oh well. At least I tried.

95. Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?
That's stupid. I punch and give figure-four leg locks until I get my way...or pull out the pimphand.

96. Do you have kids?
No.

97. Do you want kids?
I would like some eventually...but again, right woman first

98. What is your favorite color?
Blue

99. Do you miss anyone right now?
Yep

100. Who do you wanna see right now?
Adriana Lima...but I'm gonna go hang with my dad for the day and watch football. Have a great day, y'all!!!

Imagination Gone Wild

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It is now officially the last week before Christmas...and I have most of my Christmas shopping done...but I've left out some of the most important ones so far, like my mom, my stepmom, Jesus, and a step-aunt that I'm supposed to get a present for a family thing. How do I solve this dilemma with only a few days? Go to the Dancing Crane for the ladies to get something cool and/or shiny. Jesus is always a toughy though. I mean...the man has everything. I'd get him a movie like my father (who also has everything) but when you're the star of the "Greatest Story Ever Told" it's kind of hard to appreciate "Balls of Fury" and it's pointless to get him a movie with some shameless nudity...because he was there when it was made. It's like giving an artist a painting that they painted. Oh well, I'll think of something I'm sure. He is a carpenter. Maybe he could use some of those new tools like the electric leveler or a automatic hammer or something. I smell a stop by the Home Depot.


Eagles Season is Officially Over - With the Minnesota Vikings winning last night, the Philadelphia Eagles are no longer eligible for the NFL's postseason. So no fancy Wild Card run through the Seahawks, Cowboys, Packers, and Patriots to win their first championship since gas was a nickel a gallon or something like that...just anxiously awaiting their mid-first round draft pick...probably a wide receiver who will eventually suck...but hey, I've been surprised before. Will they bail on Donovan McNabb? Will Brian Westbrook step in at quarterback...since allegedly he's the only good player on the team according to ESPN sportscasters? Will Andy Reid finally shave the moustache and reveal to the world his true identity...George Wendt? So many questions...only time will tell...


Dicky V Has Surgery, Baby!!! - Dick Vitale, the most prominent college basketball broadcaster of the last thirty years or so had surgery on his vocal cords today in Boston. For the first time in 28 years with ESPN, Dicky V will miss an assignment...but is planning to make a full recovery by February, just in time for March Madness, the NCAA college basketball championship tournament. Say what you will about his "Diaper Dandies" and seemingless endless string of random metaphors for some great basketball players...but the man truly seems to love his job...and we should all be so lucky. His sincere enthusiasm, even at the age of 68, is something we should all exhibit in our daily lives. "HEY!!! Great hustle on that TPS report, Jan!!!" "Look at Ron winning over the board in his presentation. It's AWESOME, BABY!!!" "That Sylvia in accounts receivable is a real Diaper Dandy. In only her first year, she's gone from the mail room to executive assistant to managing her own department. UP, UP, UP & AWAY!!! Breakin' through that glass ceiling with the heart of a champion."


Charity Request for the Day - Dick Vitale is also an avid fundraiser for the V Foundation, a cancer research foundation named for his departed close friend and former college basketball coach and broadcaster Jimmy Valvano. Coach Valvano was an inspiring individual and his story of heart, passion, perseverance, determination, and above all Love is one that transcends sports and television. If you find that you have a few extra dollars this year from your Christmas bonus or something, please feel free to donate to the V Foundation...and if you're ever thinking that something is too hard and you feel like quitting, just remember his simple...yet effective message. "Don't give up. Don't EVER give up."


I really don't have much else to talk about. JL Clyde has a new purple phone. Bubbles & I are having a Movie Night tomorrow if you're interested. Not sure what we're going to see...but a fun time will be had by all. My brother asked me if I was getting "The Simpsons Movie" for Christmas. "Why would I know this? If it's a gift, I'm not going to know." "Oh yeah...but...okay, I'll check with Mom & Dad...and like, don't buy it or anything. Okay?" "Okay. Deal." Now I have to practice my surprise face. That's really stretching for info to share right now. I have to pee a little. Too much?


Now, I didn't think it was possible...but I have been accused of having an overactive imagination at times. Now, I do a fairly good job of keeping reality and fantasy separated (unfortunately) so when I was checking my MySpace account and stumbled upon this quiz (along with many Friend Requests from deleted profiles and promiscuious women) about imagining myself as various objects, I thought it would be fun...and here are the results...


Imagine you're...

A Landmark: The Grand Canyon - People would be amazed at just how vastly hollow I am

A Sport: Basketball - I've always wanted to get a tattoo of a basketball on my heart. That's kind of a lie. Otherwise, wouldn't I already have that tattoo?

A Holiday: Thanksgiving - Only change I would make...usually I eat the pie before enjoying the stuffin'

A Food Group: Sweets & Phats - Everybody calls me sugar or says I'm sweet...until they get to know me too much...then I make them sick. I also go straight to your hips.

An Energy Drink: Rock Star 21 - Full of energy and probably the same alcohol content

An iPod: ??? One of those 80GB big boys that know a wide variety of songs...but country would be left out

A Song: "Slow Jamz" by Twista, Kanye, & Jamie Foxx or "Me & My Monkey" by Robbie Williams (Tip: If you've never heard "Me & My Monkey" check it out on my MySpace page)

Type of Cosmetic Surgery: Switching faces with John Travolta? I look tired sometimes...then I sound like Nicolas Cage

A School Subject: Marketing 6900: Advanced Pimpology III - Dozens of Prerequisite courses...but this is your actual fieldwork. Course will focus on Mathematics, Persuasive Tactics, the Art of Standard Lessening of Attitude Procedures (S.L.A.P.), Style (special substitute teacher JL Clyde), and special attention paid to where your game may be lacking. The course is fairly intense...and you must pay all cover charges at the club...but upon completion you will received your honorary Ph.DD (the extra D is for a Double Dose of this Pimpin'). Can you dig it

A Piece of Paper: Probably one of those penis drawings from "Superbad" or some doodling by Picasso in his mid-twenties where there was some girl-on-girl action

Type of Clothing: Terry Cloth Robe - Thick, soothing, and I'll keep you warm on those cold winter nights

A Form Of Communication: Hand Gestures - A peace sign, the Finger, hang loose, sign language, so much can be communicated without saying a word.

A Sin: Lust - I actually have no idea what second place would be

An Exercise: Squat Thrusts...and lots of 'em

A Pair of Underwear: Loose-fitting Silk Boxers with Dollar bills on them - If you ask nice, I just might show them to you

A Store: Wal-Mart - One day, this world will be MINE!!!

A Drink: NyQuil - Just take me 'til you doze off

A Pair of Shoes: Black Converse High Tops with white logo

A US City: Vegas - I try to put forth this family-friendly image...but take the kids to Anaheim or Orlando, this is where the adults have fun

A Toy: Wii - To explain why, please enjoy this video

A Piece of Jewelry: Jewel-studded Grill - Because I'm just f**king ridiculous...

A Season: Spring - I'm not that hot...but still quite pleasurable

A Form of Transportation: Time Traveling DeLorian - Flux Capacitor, Mr. Fusion, Stainless Steel body, a Lightning Rod, that has me written all over it

A Color: Blue - The sky, the ocean, lovely eyes, Boise State's football field, B.B. King's music, lots of beautiful things... "You're my boy, Blue!!!"

A Dummies Book: Blogging for Dummies - Talk about boring daily stuff, throw in some clever metaphor (perverted if possible), ramble about some badass celebrity's birthday, see if there's anything in the news worth rambling about, maybe do a top 10 list (or 5 if you don't have enough fingers...like me), close with a picture of a hottie when on a sour note. That'll be $12.95 US / $15.95 CA through PayPal

A Summer Activity: Sweating - You don't even have to be thinking about me for me to get you wet...

A High School Stereotype: Undersexed Clever Nerd - Think "Superbad" meets "Revenge of the Nerds"

A Chore: Picking Up Broken Glass - If I don't get done soon...somebody could get hurt

A Reason for Being Pulled Over: Overuse of "Your Mom" Responses - "I wasn't aware that there was legislation passed, Officer. Your mom didn't tell me. Oh my God!!! I'm so sorry. I have this condition. I think your mom gave it to me. CRAP!!! I need help!!!"

A Girls Name: Anita Lover - True statement...and author of "The Devil's Diet"

A Game: Strip Two-Hand Touch & Naked Wrestling - It's really just a fancy way of saying foreplay & rough sex (The Safe Word is...Statutory)

A Form of Giftwrap: Wrapped in a Newspaper - Admit it!!! You have NO idea what it is under the Classifieds (unless I have it circled)

A TV Channel: Comedy Central - Only the cool kids know I exist

A Bad Habit: Masturbation - The only reason I wouldn't do it is if somebody else did. It's a tribute to my work ethic.

A Fear: Arachibutyrophobia - Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth. I should do more Fear things like I did back in the day. I think I only got to letter G.

A House: Playboy Mansion - Why not?

A Book Genre: Romance Novels - Some day, I might share my little short story that I wrote for a ladyfriend who was reading a Danielle Steele novel...and a book about Popes...at the same time. I call it "Forbidden Love - The Story of Pope Stephano X"

An Accent: Southern U.S. - I have a bit of a draw and people think I'm slow...but it'd have to be a Texas accent because you can make out some of the words

An Oral Procedure: Smiling - It's what I live for

A Type of Candy: Sucker - All the way down to the soggy white stick

Yeah, I guess that'll do it for tonight. Have a great day everybody...and let me know if you're interested in Movie Night tomorrow. Donate to the V Foundation if you can. Together we can make a difference. Now, I have a four-day weekend where I may or may not blog...so until then, get that Christmas shopping done...but more importantly, let the good people out there know how much you love & care for them. Peace!!!