Club Wet Gets a Worthy Plug

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday, I was feeling especially lazy when my mom gave me the idea of heading down to hang with her...and before she got off work, I would hang with my brother for a few hours. Cool beans. So I drove down there. Shorty after arriving there, I get a text from my sister-in-law asking if I was going to see some boobs with them. "I sure hope so...but Vinny's the one who usually gets the action when I'm around." (It's a bad breastfeeding joke)

Apparently, it was Dollar Draft Night at the best gentlemen's club in Utah (which is kind of like saying the best burger joint in India) called Club Wet in West Haven. Formerly the Play Pen, I had never heard of this place before my brother's bachelor party over a year ago...and it was awesome...and in the middle of redneck country. So instead of hanging out with my mom and not-my-kids last night, I went to see mostly naked, beautiful women dance seductively for dollars...and get frosty beverages for similar dollars...for about four hours...and all for less than forty bucks, even helping out my brother & sister-in-law with tips (because they're always broke). Kudos to Phoenix, Cali, April, and Mary Jane for their incredible show. Oh...and they have pool tables too...and a great sound system. If you're ever in the area, check it out...even if it's not really your thing...because they have a pool table...and dollar beers on Thursday nights.

I don't know if I may be getting immune to the allure of gentlemen's clubs...but though I had a great time hanging with my brother & his wife...and the scenery was excellent & exhilarating all at the same time. My mind was elsewhere a little bit. Sure my eyes rarely left the stage...but ever girating gesture, flexible position, and sexually explicit stare just made me think about Vegas (and the other thoughts that jump in a man's head when he sees such activities). I know, big surprise (sarcastically). Needless to say, they still haven't called...and seeing as it's around midnight on a Friday...I'm guessing that it'll be at least Monday before I hear anything (unless they do another Sunday afternoon surprise).

After the club, I drove back (I was the Designated Driver...and you should always have one...and probably me) and my sister-in-law Ashley was already not feeling good...long story short, she had a rough morning at school...but she's doing much better now. My brother & I starting watched "Aliens" and just as I was getting ready to sleep on his horribly uncomfortable sofabed, I get a wonderful call from Bubbles...saying that San Diego is beautiful and boring...and how she wishes that I was there with her to entertain her...and help her through her migraines. We talked for about ten minutes as I put her at some ease...and said good night. Apparently, she text me back an hour later saying that just talking to me made her feel better. See? Sometimes all you have to do is listen...and you can make somebody's day. Anyway, I found that out this morning...because I passed out right after hanging up with her despite watching "Aliens" just before it got to the good part.

This morning, I awoke at 7:30 because some jerkass decided to mow outside my brother's window...but then fell back asleep as I plotted how to make it look like an accident...and really woke up around 11 AM. Basically, the kids were brought back from grandma's (my mom's) and we hung out watching movies and playing. Then in the evening, they invited some friends over like Bartles & Jaymes and a few of Ashley's coworkers...and we had a little barbecue. Good eats. Here are some new pictures of Vinny & Kairi...

Vinny always looks excited...

Kairi is a great big sister

Well, have no idea what I'm going to do tomorrow...but if I were a real jetsetter, I'd be in San Diego hanging out with Bubbles and making her have fun...but she'll have to wait until next time when we take a weekend trip out there once I move to Vegas. Yup, still confident about the job. JL Clyde invited me to hang out at Pride with her this Sunday (yes, as in the Gay Pride Parade) and at first, I was reluctant...mostly for the reason that I'm not gay...but that's like saying that you don't go to a St. Patrick's Day Parade because you're not Irish. In the end, she may have convinced me by mentioning the pleasure of her company, a beer garden, free stuff, snow cones, music, people watching, more free stuff, protestors (that I can mess with), and gay men bringing their straight (probably bisexual) and horny female friends. She drives a good argument...and knows what I like. So we shall see. In the meantime, have a great weekend everybody!!! Happy 19th Birthday to Micah Rose!!!

Off to Vegas

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yes, I said "morning" because it's kind of early today. This is because I'm going to bed early tonight to rest up for a early morning flight to Vegas. I actually just found out last night that a few more of my friends are heading down there for another friend Jules' 30th birthday party (and I wasn't invited…because it was apparently a girls only thing…but they changed their mind). So there'll be LOTS of fun to be had. Can't wait. I'm so excited to return to Vegas. It's been almost a year. I need my fix…so I'm going doooown…down to the place called Sin Town. I need my fix…so I'm going down. Mother Superior jump the gun. Mother Superior jump the gun. (Come on now, everybody sing along) Happiness is a Warm Gun!!! (Bang bang shoot shoot) HAPPINESS IS A WARM GUN!!! (Bang bang shoot shoot) When I hold you…in my arms…and I feel my finger on your trigger, nobody can do me no harm because…HAPPINESS IS A WARM GUN!!! Anyway, now some news…

Lap Dance Injuries Exposed - Stephen Chang, a securities trader, said in court papers filed Friday that he was at the Hot Lap Dance Club near Madison Square Garden early Nov. 2, 2007, when he was injured by a stripper giving him a lap dance. According to the lawsuit, as the dancer swung around, the heel of her shoe hit him in the eye, causing him "serious injuries." Now, I'm not ashamed to say that I've been to a few of these gentlemen's clubs…because there's absolutely no reason to be ashamed of such a thing. However, I am also fully aware of the injury possibilities present. For example, one of my first experiences long ago (let's just say they didn't ID me because I was tall) was sitting on the front row with a long-legged performer…when she did her normal routine of shaking sexily…then doing a full spin over a brass horizontal bar a few feet away…and her legs were just long enough to the top of my head (the top one) and had I not been drunk, I may have been hurt. She apologized as best she could (not allowed an apologetic lap dance in Utah) but I was fine. No permanent injuries. In Vegas a few times, I could very well have suffered minor whiplash from breasts thrown in my face (My Wingman knows what I'm talking about). However, it's all part of the fun. Maybe I just like it a little rough sometimes. Who knows? What's my point? Didn't really have one, just got excited thinking about strippers so close to Vegas. However, one bit of advice. Ladies, please be careful dancing out there…but not too careful. You never know when a securities trader can't take a punch…so then come by Dr. Love and show him your routine. He's always glad to help your technique.

Monsters Vs. Aliens - So there's this new DreamWorks 3D animated movie coming out called "Monsters vs. Aliens" that allegedly "reinvents the classic '50s monster movie as a modern-day action comedy" and that sounds awesome…but then I found out who's going to be voices in it…and now it's SUPER AWESOME!!! Reese Witherspoon plays a 50-foot woman. Hugh Laurie ("House") plays Dr. Cockroach. Will Arnett plays the Missing Link, a half-ape, half-fish creature, Rainn Wilson ("The Office") plays alien warlord Gallaxhar. Kiefer Sutherland is General W.R. Monger (nice name). Paul Rudd ("40 Year Old Virgin") is in it as Reese's boyfriend, Derek. Greatest of all, THE Stephen Colbert…will play the part…of the President of the United States of America!!! Can't wait for this movie now…just for that. Sounds like it'll be a lot of fun in theaters…so keep your eyes out for the release date.

Flying Saucer House Sold at Auction - Just to show how things have gone in the housing market, the final sale price of this Chattanooga, Tennessee home was $135,000. This three-bedroom Galactic-inspired Drone ship was built in 1970 when Star Trek had just been cancelled. Auctioneer Terry Posey was shocked at the final sale price…but it happens at auctions. The house even has a retractable staircase that lowers to the ground. A neighbor says that feature came in handy for one former owner who was having an argument with her husband. She pulled up the stairway, drove her husband's truck underneath it so he couldn't get the stairs down and left him stuck inside. Honestly, who wouldn't want a house like that? That'd be sweet. I'm not sure it has vaulted ceilings which are a must in any house that I purchase…but still, it'd be cool to set up some backlights for when the Jehovah's Witnesses stop by. Play a little Steve Miller Band "Threshold", they see my lanky silhouette through the blinding lights behind me, my voice rumbles through strategically placed subwoofers, "Silence Earthlings!!! My name is Darth Vader. I am an Extra-Terrestrial from the planet Vulcan!!!" No, wait. That wouldn't work…let's go with "BEHOLD!!! WE HAVE COME!!! WE DEMAND BACON!!! BRING FORTH THIS CHARRED MAMMAL FLESH…OR FACE OUR WRATH!!!" It'd be sweet…then you could invite hot Southern belles from UTC (University of Tennessee-Chattanooga) aboard the Mothership on a magical voyage to Funkatron. "We gonna funk, funk, funk you UP!!!" GO MOCS!!!

Anyway, that'll be it for today!!! Have a great weekend everybody…and I'll catch up with you on Easter Sunday or Great Zombie Jesus Day…whichever you call it. Meanwhile, I'll be at the Easter Peep Show. Have fun!!!

Happy Birthday Megan!!!

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

I'd like to wish a happy 21st birthday to my first real girlfriend (who I don't think even reads this blog) and I hope that she is doing very well. I honestly haven't heard from her in almost a year now...but that's okay. She's a good girl and she's gonna be on the Food Network one day. You just wait and see. Being her twenty-first birthday, I'm assuming there's some celebrating going on for her...so how did I celebrate? I went to a gentlemen's club for a few hours before heading off to work a few nighttime hours. I also finalized all my cruise activities, so I'm good to go in two weeks.


Gentlemen's Clubs - As I may have mentioned before, I like to visit gentlemen's club...especially with girls as my associates. So I was really glad the other day when two ladyfriends from work invited me to go along with them to Trails, a private club for members. When I'm 'in da club' I prefer a very laid back approach. Usually there's a beer in one hand and my other hand in my pocket...pulling out dolla dolla bills y'all...because cash rules everything around me. Anyway, back to the point. I try to keep a cool, calm, collected exterior...but it's like I'm in a Shredded Wheat commercial - "The adult in me likes the music, good food, and atmosphere..." "BUT THE KID IN ME LIKES TITTIES AND LOTS OF 'EM!!!" So I may seem like I'm dozing off...but it's only because blood is flowing away from my brain. Now, you ladies know.


One of the main things that I like about being the guy with girls at a club...is that the dancers are more likely to sit with you for a minute and say howdy...and the girls you're with have no problem with saying what you're thinking. They'll squeal and giggle and holler all the stuff that the kid in you is screaming to get out...and you can maintain your supercool, laidback persona...and giggle to yourself a little bit. I did think of the birthday girl a few times today, especially when one of the dancers seemed to be able to scratch the back of her head with her foot rather easily. Flexibility is never ever overrated.


One of the very few bad things about these clubs...is that not all the dancers are award-winning. Sure, it was kind of my own fault for going on a Monday afternoon...but I found my eyes being pulled towards the Colts / Jaguars game a few times. Not because it was an incredibly compelling game...but I just lost interest when a few dancers were up there. I didn't see any bullet wounds or anything (this time) but I just had to look away at times. Besides, I feel bad for staring...but then I think, "That's exactly what they're expecting, isn't it?" I guess it's like staring at the sun for too long. Also, one of the better dancers there had three Chinese symbols in that lovely area at the small of her back...and while her ass was gyrating, if my one semester of Chinese is correct, I believe it would translate to "No Change Given." I thought it was hot. Anyway, a fun time was had by all, then I had to come to work and that killed my buzz real quick.


I really really want to own a club though. The money must be amazing. You might be saying, "Oh, he wants it just so he can get with strippers all day" and first off, they're dancers. Secondly, I can keep my business straight when it comes to the ladies. When my money's involved, I can become a cold sum'bich. However, at the club today, I did give a lot of ones to my ladyfriends so that they could tip the dancers for me. You gotta keep the ladies happy...but they can buy their own drinks. Yeah, I had a dream of turning the Old Post Office in Ogden into a gentlemen's club (at least one floor) and call it the Lick 'n' Stamp (patent pending) but the downtown committe wanted something more "family friendly" so it's still a dream. It's a beautiful building...and it should be full of beautiful women. That's my opinion anyway.

Shopping is not my thing. I went to the mall today to find some shoes. In case I haven't mentioned it, my favorite shoes are the classic Converse high-tops, black with white logo, size fourteen. However, the tricky part is finding these shoes anywhere. I found some similar ones online but they're $70 plus...and sometimes the fit is funny. Also, I've found them at places like the supermarket for $20 before. So I went to the mall to find ANY Converse or similar shoes. The first two places (nameless to avoid negative publicity) didn't have Converse at all. Third place had some (four flashy pair) of the old school canvas ones but no basketball ones. A little peeved, I went to Payless to select from their six pair of size fourteens...and actually found a decent pair of basic black basketball shoes. That's all I need. I'm not TO or AI or T-Mac or anyother flamboyant superstar, I just need a pair of basic shoes that match everything. Hence, why shopping is not my thing.

I'll go shopping for what I need...or if I get to see a lady try on some sexy attire...but that hasn't been in high demand...but I'll give honest feedback...and find ways to entertain myself when I get bored. If you can't decide on which skirt goes with the shoes, while you're changing, I'll people watch...or I'll do something mildly entertaining to me, like dare kids to run out the door with a silky shirt (complete with purple dye pack)...or go to the register with a new pair of girl's jeans and say, "I'm sorry, I just thought that you should know...that these jeans are faded...and the knees are torn,,,and the pant legs are frayed at the end...seriously, I don't know which Goodwill store that you got these from...but you oughta be ashamed for selling them at $80 a pop. Ridiculous!!!" and then walk away...just in time for the next showcase. "Oh, I like how those jeans shape your ass sweety, lemme get a feel. (LOVE SLAP) Hell yeah." This may be one reason why I'm single too. Anyway, malls are just too fancy and I don't like paying for displays and marketing, so I usually shop at places like Wal-Mart and Target. Goodwill's cool too. That's where I get my Hawaiian shirts. Oh yeah, my fashion sense comes alive now, doesn't it? Don't lie. I know you're jealous. Anyway, time for the news again. Happy Birthday Megan!!!


Dumblebackdore - Okay, I'm sure by now that EVERYBODY has heard about author J.K. Rowling saying (more than likely joking) that master wizard Dumbledore from the Harry Potter books is a homosexual and prefers the company of men (Who doesn't?). However, with this in mind, I just found a new reason to watch the first few Harry Potter movies...and the latter ones again, just so that whenever Harry goes to talk to Dumbledore in his private chambers, it has a hilarious vibe...at least to me. "Tell me about your dreams, Harry. Are you stressed? Would you like me to rub your shoulders? Maybe some cognac?" Also, I've heard through the internet grapevine that there will be yet another new actor playing Dumbledore in the next movie...



Yes, I am aware that there is a very MAJOR difference between a homosexual and a pedofile...but this is what I have to do to make Harry Potter entertaining to me. Is it really MY fault or J.K. Rowling? Yeah, I'm going to Hell. Oh well, I'll go laughing along the way. Mwahahahahahaha...


Panty Protest - Women from several countries have begun sending their panties to Myanmar embassies in a culturally insulting gesture of protest against the recent brutal crackdown there. The group, Lanna Action for Burma, says the country's superstitious generals believe that contact with women's undergarments saps them of power. There's the link for the website (on Blogger) so check it out if you're interested in joining the movement...or just let me know and I'd be happy to ugh...forward them on for you in a package. Yeah...as the website says, "Send early, send often!" It's better than just throwing them away...and you'll be taking a major step towards Burmese freedom and women's rights.


Anyway, that's enough from me today. Again, a happy birthday to Megan as we approach midnight. Hopefully you're having a great time and getting home safely.