A Brick Wants to Be Something More

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

There have been a few people who have said, "$teve, you haven't mentioned any of your kooky dreams lately. Are you still having them…or just not writing about them?" The truth is that if I were having good, entertaining dreams…then I would be more than happy to share them with you. However, for example, this morning I awoke to find myself lying with a beautiful, long dark-haired woman yearning for my touch…so I obliged her. Slowly but surely though, that damn logic of mine started kicking in. "Wait, I didn't go to bed with anybody last night. Oh crap, I'm dreaming again." Almost as instantly as I realized it, she started to fade away…like a ghost. "No, dammit. Go back to sleep, $teve. Deep breaths. You know she's not real…but you're still gonna lose her…" and then she evaporated in a heavy-panting mist leaving behind only a few warm blankets and silky sheets. It's a running theme with me. The more that I think about something, the more it seems to slip away, especially with dreams. Logic has become a pain in the ass for me. Wish I could say it was the first time (this week) that a dream like that has happened…but it's not. Why don't I share these dreams with you? Because you're probably already bored of me talking about this one…and it's not even a full paragraph. You like hearing about my frustration as much as I do…but rest assured, if I'm ever saving Australian scientists from giant snakes or saving Foxy from Transformers or saving kids from a tornado or anything else like that, I'll be sure to share them with you. Wow, I just realized that most of my dreams end up with me saving people. Maybe there's something to that...then again, I was also scared that I made sweet Love to a Terminator too. Anyway, I hope that answers all your questions that you may or may not have asked.

Yesterday, I officially applied for that THIRD job in Vegas so we'll see how that goes over the next few weeks. I'm expecting the other two to start making offers (or at least interview) soon…because I'll be out of town the next two weeks and it'd be inconvenient…which seems to be their style. It's all good though. I would love to do an interview while driving 80 MPH as I pass Lamont, Wyoming (population 3) where there may or may not be cellular phone reception with my mom talking in the seat next to me about changing the radio station because she doesn't like the song & doesn't know how to use buttons…then when the question comes up about multi-tasking, I will just laugh.

I also watched a movie that I hadn't seen before, "Indecent Proposal" with Demi Moore, Woody Harrelson, and Robert Redford. For the few of you who may not have heard about this movie, a billionaire (Redford) is gambling at a Vegas casino and his eye catches a lovely couple (Harrelson & Moore) and he invited them over for good luck. It proves effective, so he invites them up to his suite to discuss a proposition of one million dollars…for one night with your wife. Now, think about that for a moment. I have a good job that pays about well…but a million bucks is me AND my wife's salary for over the next decade…and it's offered in one night. Then comes in the Logic vs. Love conflict that made this movie really hard to watch…yet I couldn't turn away. Anyway, they go through with it (honestly, who wouldn't really? REALLY? Be honest, I won't judge). Redford's smitten with her…and he's a billionaire. Moore thinks that he's a great guy (and dynamite in the sack) but she's married. Woody's obsessed & insanely jealous because a billionaire just had relations with his wife. Conflict ensues…and I'd love to tell you how it ends…but I won't. You'll have to see it. I'll give you a hint though…a Hippo is involved. Now I know you're intrigued.

Anyway, back to the main question that the movie brings up: Would you do it? Now, you all know my resume (or lack thereof) when it comes to relationships. So keep that in mind, that I may be entirely & ignorantly blissful…or completely cynical at any time. Now, I'd like to say that I wouldn't even consider the offer because we can get by well enough without a million bucks (which would be less than half after taxes & stuff probably anyway). As it happens in this movie (and I would assume in real life if it ever came up), it was only considered after the wife brought it up as an option (since she's basically earning it) because who doesn't want to be a billionaire's girl…even for one night? So then you negotiate for more money (might as well) which didn't happen in this movie because he didn't speak with his lawyer first. Even then, I would think that if you were really in Love and trusted your partner, then it wouldn't be an issue. Sure, you'd have your thoughts…because again, who doesn't want to be a billionaire's girl…even for one night? Yeah, it's just a twisted little scenario…but I would think that Love would come through…because I'm an optimist. Worst-case, you lose out to a billionaire Robert Redford…and even though your heart is shattered into a million pieces, at least you didn't lose out to Bubba the car mechanic with a meth addiction. I don't know. What do you think? Discuss.

Best part of the day was in the evening when I hosted the $teve's Stayin' Here Rock Band party. There were a few last minute cancellations but Lilie, Mandy, Cat, Julie, and a few of the boy toys showed up and we had a rockin' evening well into the night. Great time was had by all!!! Here are some pictures…

The projector TV wall...and Sinatra on the right

Kyle & me guitar dueling to "Green Grass & High Tides"

Oh yeah, I'm $teve DeSexy

DAMMIT!!! - So apparently the reports about Megan Fox & Brian Austin Green calling off their engagement were grossly misinformed. According to an interview in TV Guide (really?), Green says "We're solid. We've lived together for three years. We have tattoos of each other's names. We have more time away from each other right now than we'd like." I'll bet. She's working. Hell, I wouldn't want to leave her side (or get dressed). Interesting thing though, he wants kids…and she's said that she's not ready for all that…but they're getting a petting zoo or sorts, which is a great compromise. "We have a potbellied pig, we have dogs, two cats, two birds a squirrel…and Megan wants a leopard - that'll never happen! That's a whole different world." Okay, I'm all for obeying laws and all of that…but if my baby wants a leopard, my baby's getting a leopard…or at the very least, a leopard-like cat…maybe a Lynx or an Ocelot. PETA would have a field day…but my Fox would have her kitty & a huge smile on her face…so it's all worth it. Anyway, it's great to hear that they're together & doing fine. I'm sorry for believing everything that I read in smut magazines…like Brett Favre retiring too. Seriously, what's going on with that?

Can't Wait for the Craziness - Police in Las Vegas say they arrested a naked man who stole a beer and then hijacked a bus several miles northeast of the Strip. A police spokesman says the man fled from a convenience store when an officer arrived to investigate a report of a shoplifter Tuesday. The man allegedly punched in a back window of a Citizens Area Transit bus, climbed aboard, forced the driver off, drove the bus about 200 yards and then jumped off the moving vehicle. A police officer climbed aboard the bus and stopped the vehicle. Police say the man was arrested on felony charges and given clothes and a mental evaluation. Do you see why I want to move to this place? Craziness & excitement everywhere…or at least near the Strip. It would be like a homecoming of sorts. Besides, it makes riding the bus a fun activity…until the new nude bus driver suddenly gets of on the next stop and forgets to put the bus in park. Good times.

Is It Chile In Here? - A stripper who danced on the poles of Santiago subway trains to challenge the prudishness of Chilean society was arrested on Thursday during one of her lightning performances. Monserrat Morilles, 26, surprised subway riders all week stripping to skimpy underwear, but she refused tips. Nice! She said she was protesting a lack of tolerance in Chile, one of Latin America's most conservative societies where the first generation since the Pinochet dictatorship is reaching adulthood. "This is just a beginning. We are starting an idea here that will grow and be developed further." The professional pole dancer worked quickly all week to avoid arrest, getting on at one station, finding a subway car with no children on it and stripping in time to exit at the next station. Chilean media dubbed her "La Diosa del Metro" or Subway Goddess. She called her performances "happy minutes." Her manager Gustavo Pradenas said, "Chile is still a pretty timid country. People aren't very extroverted and we want to take aim at that and make Chile a happier country." Fantastic. I like this idea. Ladies, do you think that America's a prudish nation like I do? Join me. We shall take it to the subway poles, the street's light poles, the barber poles, election polls, wherever the people are…that is where we will show them what of what we're made and the good Lord gave. Viva la Revolution!!!

Also gentlemen, based on sworn testimony, here's a list of things that will help out your lady when she's having that exceptionally touchy time:

• Sex (apparently it works)


• Exercise (preferably sex)


• Heat & Ice cream (interesting combination)


• Chocolate, hot tea, caffeine in general


• Ibuprofen & birth control pills


• Compliments


• Showing that you care


• Lots of sweetness, hugs, massages, etc.


• Make her laugh & don't piss her off (like calling her a fatty)

Thanks for the info, ladies. If anything else comes up, please feel free to share...and guys, remember this stuff next time it comes up. No need to thank me, just pay it forward.

Anyway, that'll do it for me for today. Tomorrow morning, I leave on my two-week vacation with my mom…and I'm not sure what kind of email access I'll have…but I'll try to keep you updated & entertained when I can. Honestly, if I hear anything about getting a job in Vegas, you'll probably hear my screams of joy across the countryside before you get an email from me anyway. So keep your ears open…and have a great time everybody!!! See ya soon...

Livin' on a Natural High

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

First off, I'd like to thank all the ladies who have helped me out with getting to know menstruation yesterday...and those of you who just haven't gotten around to it (hint hint). Some great advice there...like just showing that you care, being there for them...but at a distance, make 'em laugh, don't piss 'em off, and showers are always nice. Any other suggestions on how to help? Please let me know. Together, I think we can make the world a better place on a monthly basis.

Last night after work, I drove home some sweet, older lady coworkers home, Valencia & Tangerine. They don't have a car...and I was heading out anyway. It was a few miles out of my way...but they're great gals...and they wanted me to tell them how Vegas was going (because they're older ladies & don't read my blog). I've done this a few times before...but I've never asked for gas money or anything...and I probably never will. It's kind of sad that owning the car, what used to be the staple of being an American, is becoming so hard to do. More so than hot dogs, baseball, credit cards, pornography, and crack cocaine...having your own car was pure Americana. Now, things have changed a bit. I have a beautifully restored muscle car that I can't afford to drive anywhere...so she sits & gathers dust...and I have a very good paying job. Most people have to work within walking distance of where they live...and barely get by. It's for reasons like this that I have absolutely no reservations about driving people around. It's kind of like spreading the wealth...and besides, it's a lot of fun. Gosh, I'm going to my brother's today to see him before his birthday (since I'll be out of town) and it's going to cost me as much to do that as it used to cost me to drive down to Vegas when I started driving...ten years ago. I don't know. I guess I'd better get used to it. Gas prices aren't going to change for the better. We're just to the point where everybody else in the world used to be. It's just a little sad...but maybe for the better so that we don't pollute as much. You win this round, Mother Nature!!! Anyway, here's some news about nature...

New Natural Wonders Named - Eight new natural wonders have been added to the World Heritage List. World Heritage Sites are named by the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO). The sites, both cultural and natural, added to the list are deemed "of outstanding value to humanity" and deserve protection and preservation. With the new additions, the World Heritage List now boasts 878 sites (679 cultural, 174 natural and 25 mixed) in 145 countries. The eight new natural sites added this year include:

• Joggins Fossil Cliffs (Canada)


• Mount Sanqingshan National Park (China)


• Lagoons of New Caledonia: Reef Diversity and Associated Ecosystems (France)


• Surtsey (Iceland)


• Saryarka - Steppe and Lakes of Northern Kazakhstan (Kazakhstan)


• Monarch Butterfly Biosphere Reserve (Mexico)


• Swiss Tectonic Arena Sardona (Switzerland)


• Socotra Archipelago (Yemen)

Haven't been to any of these places...but now they're on the list. I may have to check the list of 878 to see how many that I've been to...but probably not too many. A few dozen maybe? If I get REALLY bored one day, I'll let you know...and show you any pictures that I might have. The Butterfly Reserve sounds like the secret headquarters of the Monarch from Venture Brothers. Who knew that he lived in Mexico?

Eat in Moderation, Live Longer - Everybody's searching for the Fountain of Youth so that we can enjoy these wonderful lives as long as possible...and new research finds a fairly simple way to add a few years to your life. Eat in Moderation. Specifically calorie restriction by about 25%. "There is plenty of evidence that calorie restriction can reduce your risks for many common diseases including cancer, diabetes and heart disease," says Saint Louis University researcher Edward Weiss, who last week announced a new study that brings fresh understanding to how it works. "And you may live to be substantially older." By which they mean, according to the research, eat 15 percent less starting at age 25 and you might add 4.5 years to your life, coupled with some drugs being designed based on these studies, you may be able to increase your life by 10 to 15 years in the very near future this way. The link has some more details...but I'm not going to bore you with numbers on this anymore. It could be true. The evidence says so. Here's a way that might help...

All Natural, No-Calorie Sweetener - Agribusiness giant Cargill Inc is starting to roll out Truvia, which is made from certain compounds in the leaves of Stevia (I swear, I did NOT make this up, read the article), a shrub native to Paraguay, and will provide a natural alternative to artificial sweeteners including Sweet 'N Low, Equal and Splenda. Truvia is going on sale first at a handful of D'Agostino supermarkets in Manhattan, and will eventually be sold at grocery stores and big box retailers near you. Starting in packets of forty then eventually into beverages & food by next year, it may be the next big thing in sweets. The sweetness of $tevia will soon spread across the globe. However, Stevia is approved as a food additive in a dozen countries including Japan, Brazil and China, but not in the European Union or the United States. Yet it is sold in the U.S. as a dietary supplement, since supplements are not subject to the same regulations. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration classifies Stevia as an "unsafe food additive," saying on its website that "available toxicological information on Stevia is inadequate." Why? Based on previous tests, Stevia is dangerous, yet sweet, and ends up going straight to your thighs. A few lucky researchers out there would be glad to give you testimony (emphasis on few). Anyway, keep an eye out on this stuff. You know I will...since it's basically named after me.

Well, that'll do it for me today. Gonna head over to my brother's in a little bit to see him for his birthday...and help him with the greatest present ever, courtesy of my sister-in-law & I...but more on that later. Tonight's Slow Ride at the Huka Lounge (61st South & State) if you're interested...but get there early. Tomorrow's the $teve's Stayin' Here Rock Band Party at my place. Saturday's work. Sunday starts the two week road trip adventure (on Uncle Sam's dime) with my mom...to some exotic locations (like the 4th largest city in North Dakota). Have a great day everybody!!!

Help Me Help You, Ladies!!!

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

You know, I've been puzzled for the last few days. However, before I go further, I want to warn you that the discussion for the first two paragraphs gets a little...unusual, especially for my blog. Some of the things discussed may make your stomach a little queezy and I may not use politically correct language...but it's only because I'm pretty much ignorant on the subject...as you will soon find out. Wow, I make it sound a lot worse than it is...but don't say that I didn't warn ya. Definitely do not read the next little bit of your sitting at your computer reading this & eating something. You see...the past few days a few of the ladies that I speak with on a regular basis have been Menstrating. I know, it's a touchy subject for both genders...but I'm just trying to learn. The longest that I've had a girlfriend is three months...and I had no sisters growing up...and my mom didn't talk to me about this stuff...and is now in menopause...so yeah, I have very little experience with regards to menstration other than women get mysteriously & extremely irritable (to put it lightly) on a monthly basis.

Being the curious little monkey that I am, I decided that it was finally time for me to not Fear the crabbiness, cramping, bleeding, mood swings, temporary insanity, physical drainage, emotional baggage, social awkwardness, and all the other stuff mentioned on those damned commercials that I see all the time...and try to get myself a little educated on the subject. So I've been asking a few questions about it...directly from the source. Why? I want to know what I can do as a guy to help out & make you feel better. I mean...what helps? Back rub? Scented candles? A few kind words? Garlic pills? Dirty limericks? A nap? Or do I just give you some chocolate ice cream and get the hell away? From the people that I've asked, it's usually the last one...but then something unexpected was mentioned. I realize that there's a rushing of hormones involved with menstation...but I was told that sometimes the ladies just want a good ol' rogering...and it makes sense...sort of. Hormones rushing, take your time, lay it down proper, she nods off, hormones & headaches subside, endorphines are running wild. Yet for some reason, I always thought that the cramping thing would be an issue for her...and the blood might be for me. I'm not going to lie. I would probably freak out...a lot...but there are ways around that to make you feel better. Also, the mess involved...I don't know, maybe this isn't a usual thing. Like I said, I'm just starting to find out this stuff. Anyway, my question is this...what is it that you ladies want us to do when it's that time of the month? How can we help? I have a feeling that a lot of guys out there want to know...yet just don't want to ask the awkward questions. Well, I've gone beyond that, I think. Please, let us know how we can help you. I'm extremely curious now...and I want to inform others. Help me help you, ladies.

Last night after work, I watched the movie "Cellular" with Chris Evans, Kim Basinger (hotchuma hotchuma), Jason Statham, and William H. Macy. It was a surprisingly good flick the first time I saw it...and it didn't disappoint this time either. It's about a lady who's kidnapped from her home (Basinger by Statham) and she doesn't know why. Somehow, she manages to dial a random number on a broken phone...and a teenager answers (Evans). He thinks that it's a prank at first...but then realizes it's not and tries to go to the police (Macy) but a series of events gets in the way...and now he has to try to find her, save the rest of her family, get help, and save the day...all before the battery & his plan minutes run out. Oh yeah, Jessica Biel's in it for a few brief glorious moments too. Anyway, car chases, suspense, funny moments, intrigue, twists & turns, and William H. Macy turns out to be a badass...who wants to open a day spa. Great flick. Check it out. Now, here's the news...

Everybody's a Winner!!! - A brothel in Nevada is trying to stimulate business by offering free gas cards to cover the costs of driving there from Vegas. Clients of the Shady Lady Ranch will get a $50 gas voucher if they fork out $300 (worth about one hour's worth of services) at the brothel in Beatty, Nevada, which is about 130 miles northwest of Las Vegas. Owner James Davis said he already has had to order another $1,000 set of petrol vouchers because the first $1,000 were spent in one week. "It's rocking along. We're doing quite well. June and July historically are not big months." Great for them. It's a great idea that stimulates business for them...tapping directly into the millions of people in Las Vegas. Fill 'er up...then get some gas. I like it a lot. By the way, you all know that prostitution is legal in some parts of Nevada, right? Not Vegas...but other counties...like this one about two hours away. If you didn't know that, you may be wondering why this is on the news & nobody's doing anything about it. Oh...and I like that James runs the business with his wife Bobbi, who came up with the idea. Just goes to show, behind every great man is a woman giving him ideas. Kudos!!!

Baby Names Update - The 1960s brought us baby names such as April and Sunshine, and naming new Americans has never been the same. So when Sunday Rose Kidman Urban was born this week, the baby of an actress (Nicole Kidman) and a country western singer (Keith Urban), news of her distinctive name created only a small stir. While many parents still stick with traditional names, U.S. babies now are tagged with an ever-increasing diversity of names for which the inspirations range from the calendar to languages from afar to colors to fruit to movie, literary, & video game characters to states to acronyms to stuff that can only be characterized as throwing random letters together & low-level child cruelty. The top 10 baby names from 1950 look nothing like today. Here's the list from 1950, according to the U.S. Social Security Administration:

Most popular boy/girl baby names in 1950:


1. James / Linda
2. Robert / Mary
3. John / Patricia
4. Michael / Barbara
5. David / Susan
6. William / Nancy
7. Richard / Deborah
8. Thomas / Sandra
9. Charles / Carol
10. Gary / Kathleen


Here's the list from last year:


1. Jacob / Emily
2. Michael / Isabella
3. Ethan / Emma
4. Joshua / Ava
5. Daniel / Madison
6. Christopher / Sophia
7. Anthony / Olivia
8. William / Abigail
9. Matthew / Hannah
10. Andrew / Elizabeth


The diversity in U.S. baby names has exploded since the 1950s. Back then, a quarter of all boys and girls got one of the top 10 baby names. In recent times, the top 10 names account for only one tenth of all baby names. Laura Wattenberg's blog has an interactive tool that displays the historical popularity of thousands of names from the 1880s to now, if you're interested. Looking at the 50's names, I see a lot of my aunts & uncles (five uncles, three aunts, & my mom) and from last year...not so much. Apparently, Michael & William are still popular a half-century later...but that's about it. Anyway, I like diversity in names (as my proposed names for my offspring would suggest) so keep 'em coming. It's just interesting how the trends go...like celebrities naming their kids ridiculous stuff...but it's their choice...until the kid grows up. "You named me APPLE? What the f**k, mom? Dad, where were you?" "I was on tour. I wanted to name you Joshua. I heard about it on the tellie myself."


Anyway, that'll do it for today. Another big day at work that I'm convincing myself to stay the whole day...no matter what...but we'll see if my willpower prevails. Also got a job description for that new prospect...and it looks pretty good. I'll keep you posted. Have a great day everybody!!! What number are you?

You Are 7: The Enthusiast

You are outgoing and playful - always seeing the happy side to life. You're enthusiastic and excitable. You love anything new. Multi-talented, you do many things well... and find success easy. You prefer to keep things light with others. Opening up is hard for you. At Your Best: You are deeply involved in each experience. You appreciate life for what it is, and you take the time to enjoy each moment. At Your Worst: You are greedy, self centered, impulsive, and insatiable. Your Fixation: Gluttony Your Primary Fear: Deprivation and pain Your Primary Desire: To be satisfied and content Other Number 7's: Howard Stern, Cameron Diaz, Robin Williams, Jim Carey, and Jenny Mccarthy.

What Number Are You?

Is There Such a Thing as Coincidence?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Some good news on the job front. My managers are trying to help me get certified as a manager as soon as possible so that I can get to Vegas sooner rather than later...but we'll see how it works out. I spent about an hour with Boss Lady D yesterday and basically she paid me a lot of serious compliments in filling out some paperwork and went over my strengths with me...and as you can probably guess, it's really nice to hear somebody talk flowery about you. So a good day was had...and according to some system that determines my strengths by interview questions, my top qualities are Teamwork (playing well with others, going the extra mile, training & helping, etc), Positivity (maintaining a positive attitude, making those around me happy, building great relationships) and Caring (helping out whenever needed & basically giving a damn). Pretty accurate...and perfect for the jobs that I'm looking into. Also, there's another job opening that was just posted yesterday that seems almost too good to be true...so I'll investigate & get back to you when I know more.

Last night, I watched "Platoon" for the first time...and really not much else to say other than it's a Vietnam movie directed by Oliver Stone with an all-star cast (did you know Johnny Depp was in that? I didn't). Bloody, twisted, and about Vietnam...so not exactly a feel good movie...but what would you expect with Willem Dafoe being the good guy (still creepy), Charlie Sheen is the narrator, and Tom Berenger looks like he's pieced together by Dr. Frankenstein. Great flick...but yeah, not a cheerful one. Vietnam sucks.

Luckily, "Signs" was on TV. Now, I make fun of M. Night Shyamalan a little bit (probably because I'm just extremely jealous) but I really like this movie. It's about a former minister / farmer (Mel Gibson) and his family's experience during a slow but steady alien invasion...or is it a hoax? Great suspense throughout. Great, fun performances by Gibson & Joaquin Phoenix and it's just a great movie that almost brings me to tears at times...because it's about Family, Faith, Fate, Aliens, and basically just seeing Signs in every situation. You know that I'm a big believer in "Everything happens for a reason" and though it may seem like the right thing at the time, down the road it turns out to be the best thing. This movie deals with that...and the Love for family & loss...oh and throws in a few aliens...or are they the neighbor kids? Or just dead people walking around? Spoiler alert: ZOMBIE NINJAS!!! What a twist? Now, here's the news...

How to Make A Portuguese Orange Juice - Husband and wife Francisco and Casilda Figueiredo are among the last exponents of a traditional Portuguese handicraft -- making ornamental ceramic penises. For more than three decades, the couple have carefully shaped thousands of ceramic male organs, moulding them into upright shapes and painting them in life-like colours for export to Germany, France and North America. Oddly enough, they say the tradition is dying out. "The days of the ceramics trade here are numbered, I see no possibility of survival," Francisco said as he prepared moulds of the couple's top-of-the-range two-foot phallic-shaped bottles in his workshop. "It will never be like it was in the past." The couple produce ceramic mugs with a penis sticking out of the bottom or the side, penis-shaped bottles and ceramic soccer figures with the male organ popping out from under a flag...and sell for about 15 Euro ($30). The tradition is said to have started in the late 19th century when King Dom Luis suggested that the local potters make something more interesting...and this certainly has an interesting market. I can just imagine being at the home of a lovely elderly couple in Lisbon. "Would you like some milk for your coffee?" "Oh, yes please." Poured out of what appears to be a ceramic mold of John Holmes. "That's ugh...that's milk, right? You know what...sorry, maybe I'll just have some juice. I'll ugh...squeeze it myself."

The Sport of Wife Carrying - It's not just for professional athletes anymore. Julia Galvin came to Finland looking for a man that would carry her 120 kg over a 253-metres track -- the incentive being the chance to win the wife-carrying world title and beer worth her body weight. In the end the Irish woman was carried by an English man through a pool and across hurdles. She did not make the gold, but said she would keep trying until the title and the beer was hers. Wife-carrying is one of a host of bizarre contests that Finns, who can tend to gloominess in the long winter dark, have devised for the scant months of summer when the sun hardly sets and people's mood turns frolicsome. Forty-eight couples from 13 countries, including Kenya, Australia and Canada, gathered in the remote Finnish village to complete the track. Estonia reigned supreme once again, as Alar Voogla sprinted home in just over one minute to win the Baltic country's 11th title, with Kirsti Viltrop clinging upside-down to his back. Honestly though, tell me that you wouldn't watch this if it were on primetime. It also purportedly stems from an even earlier tribal practice of wife-stealing, in honour of which many contestants now take up the challenge with someone else's wife. It has also inspired others to organise events such as sauna sitting, swamp football, cell phone throwing or karaoke singing. All are part of a summer bonanza of events that rake in visitors and cash for as long as the midnight sun shines. So next time you think that there's nothing to do...remember these Nordic events...and celebrate with a beer or two...and throw your cell phone out of the sauna while singing "Yesterday" or something. Always something to do...when you have imagination.

RZA, Eli, & Quentin: The Holy Trinity? - The other day it was reported that rap artist RZA (WU TANG!!!) and director Eli Roth ("Hostel" & "Cabin Fever") are teaming together to develop a martial arts film called "The Man with the Iron Fist" in which Quentin Tarantino may involve himself in. Now, Eli Roth has said that RZA is not only writing the film, he's also directing. "This movie will have everything martial arts fans could want, combined with RZA's superb musical talent. Fans should know that yes, there will be blood... This ain't no PG-13." What about QT's involvement? Seems that RZA "has been studying directing with Tarantino for years. and he's really ready to get behind the camera." This is of course mostly speculation at this point...but this could be awesome. Like Kill Bill meets the Wu Tang Clan. Awesome!!!

Anyway, that'll do it for me today. Busy day at work again...and I'm determined to spend the whole day there after half-assing it yesterday. I need the money for a future move...and that two-week vacation with my mom starting on Sunday. Remember that? Yeah, it was finally thrown together...just in a different order (government work). It's the one to Cheyenne (Denver), Minot North Dakota, maybe a stop by Mount Rushmore, and Great Falls Montana. We'll make it fun though...because it's my mama. Check with y'all tomorrow. Have a great day...and keep an eye out for signs...especially ones that say STOP!!!

You're My Boy, Blue!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I'd like to start things off by wishing a happy first anniversary to Mr. & Mrs. Wingman on this 7th of July. Can't wait until I live within shouting distance...but in the meantime, I am going to celebrate staying in Utah for the time being...with a Rock Band party this Friday, so if you're interested. Feel free to stop by. There will be booze, charred mammal flesh, edamame, shadow puppets, the company of great people, and Rock Band with 7.1 Dolby Digital Surround Sound & projected on an over 200 inch screen (wall). Good times & lots of fun.

Yesterday, I didn't do much during the day except watch TV movie versions of "Kill Bill" (Party Wagon? Seriously?), "Ultraviolet" (my Milla fix), and possibly one of the most thoroughly funny movies ever made by man...Old School. Seriously, is there more than a minute in that movie where you don't laugh hysterically? Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn, Luke Wilson, even cameos by Sean William Scott, Jeremy Piven, and Juliette Lewis are hilarious.

Based on a suggestion from the Mad Scientist though, I decided to finally go to a coffee shop and try to pick up on girls...awkwardly yet charmingly. So I went down to one of the local Beans & Brews (two within walking distance), order a Mr. B (I don't know what's in it...but I'm guessing it contains delicious crack), set up my laptop, and basically wait for people to show up...because it was a Sunday afternoon. While there, I basically just sent emails to JL Clyde to entertain her at work & checked out the news (pan down if interested). The beverage was delicious...but in the two hours that I was there...the only girl there without her boyfriend was the girl that made my beverage...and I wasn't going after her. It was later suggested that I try a place near the university which makes perfect sense...and instead of just pratting along on my keyboard...to read a book of poetry or something. Conveniently, I do have a few poetry books...that I've actually read a few times...and memorized a few back in high school (to impress the female nerds in the clubs that I was in) but mostly John Donne. So if somebody inquires about my reading...and they like their 16th century preacher poets who wrote beautiful love poetry to their jailbait nieces, then I'm good to go. Great ice breaker right there. More attempts to be mysterious & interesting later...but I think I'm too open for all that. What do you think? Based on what you've read about me on this blog...would you be interested...or am I EXACTLY what you're trying to avoid?

This morning, I helped my dad pick up an old stereo that somebody he works with (moving to Reno) was giving away...but that's not all. It was an original 1963 Pioneer stereo system with a record turntable, cassette player (probably one fo the first years), AM/FM phonograph (kid you not, that's what it said on the owner's manual...and yes, the owner's manual was with it), two CS series speakers (medium size 8" woofers), and a collection of records that was simply amazing. I'm talking the Beatles "Revolver" album, original Lynyrd Skynyrd (including the revoked one after their plane crash), Led Zeppelin "Houses of the Holy", the Ventures, the Holy Bible as narrated by the Statler Brothers, Perry Como, Bob Seger, ten kinds of Clapton (Byrds, Derek & the Dominos, God himself, etc), and many many many more with some great value to them. Thanks Ruby!!! You rock!!! Anyway, here's some news while I'm at work...

Panda Update - A panda who was relocated after China's deadly earthquake damaged her home gave birth to twin cubs on Sunday. Guo Guo is the first panda to give birth since the 7.9-magnitude quake struck Sichuan province on May 12, killing nearly 70,000 people and leaving 5 million homeless. One cub weighed 6 ounces and Guo Guo was cuddling the other cub and staffers at the Bifengxia Giant Panda Base were not able to weigh it. The report did not give the sex of the twins. This is awesome news...because not only are the pandas breeding...bu they're doing so in Brangelina fashion...two at a time. Maybe the techniques that I kept telling them about when I was over there in China are finally starting to pay off three years later. Yeah, I know. I should be used to being right all the time...but it still startles me once in a while...because statistically, I have to be wrong at least once in a while, right? It's simple mathematics & probability. Anyway, congratulations to Guo Guo & now...during the next hundred days, I'm sure they'll have a contest to name the twins...and might I suggest Ren & Stimpy...or whatever that translates to in Chinese (probably "Angry Rat Dog" & "Nasty Pussy Cat" or something). Maybe they can just wait until Angelina has her litter...and copy them. I still think Ling Ling's a good strong name too. Any other suggestions? (God help you if you say Mary Kate & Ashley)

Pompeii Update - Now, I may have mentioned during my travels there in November that I've always wanted to make a movie about Pompeii now that we have CGI technology & the option of an orgy scene in the movie industry...not like "The Last Days of Pompeii" back in the 50's. However, the Italian government declared a state of emergency at the Pompeii archaeological site on Friday to try to rescue one of the world's most important cultural treasures from decades of neglect. A cabinet statement said it would appoint a special commissioner for Pompeii, the ancient Roman city buried by an eruption of the Vesuvius volcano in AD 79 and now a UNESCO World Heritage site. Archaeologists and art historians have long complained about the poor upkeep of Pompeii, dogged by lack of investment, mismanagement, litter and looting. Bogus tour guides, illegal parking attendants and stray dogs also plague visitors. (But the dogs are really cute & friendly though) Some 2.5 million tourists visit Pompeii each year, making it one of Italy's most popular attractions, and many have expressed shock at the site's decay. Basically, the report says that at least 150 square meters of fresco & plaster work are lost each year due to erosion (and probably unlicensed patron souveniors) and preservation that started thirty years ago isn't cutting it. In fact, the parts of the city that haven't been excavated yet...are literally a trash dump for the nearby city of Naples and is scattered with tires, fridges, and mattresses. Truly sad...but I'm sure that the Italian government will find a way to preserve this incredible place. I mean...it's not like they've elected porn stars or anything. Oh wait...maybe we should help them out. Nah, the Euro's stronger than the dollar now. It's their problem. Feel free to check out my pictures from last year.

Wax Figures: The New Clowns? - In our pursuit to preserve history, sometimes we do some silly things. We've turned the Leaning Tower of Pisa into a symbol of a great nation full or sooooo many cooler things. We display bones of people & giant animals that no longer exist in museums...and yet there's still a market for endangered animal skins. However, wax museums are filled with figures of humans throughout history to...well, basically show just how creepy it would be to see them frozen in time...in three dimensions. Like you went back to a moment in time...yet were frozen there (so you could give Napoleon a wedgie or put his hand down his pants instead of in his lapel or something). Now, they recently opened a Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum in Berlin...and of course, when you think of the history of Germany, who's the first person that comes into mind? No, not David Hasselhoff, the other guy. No, not Dirk Nowitzki, shorter...with a silly moustache. Geraldo's not German, not even close. I'm talking about Hitler. Anyway, on opening day a 41-year old German man tore the head off the Hitler wax figure and I'm guessing the authorities stopped him before he could skull f**k the former German dictator responsible for the death of millions.

Now, the interesting thing about this story in my opinion, is that it is illegal in Germany to show Nazi symbols and art glorifying Hitler and the exhibit was cordoned off to stop visitors posing with him. Unobtrusive signs asked visitors to refrain from taking photos or posing with Hitler "out of respect for the millions of people who died during World War Two". Camera surveillance and museum officials were meant to stop inappropriate behaviour. Institutions such as the foundation for Germany's central Holocaust memorial site condemned the idea of the exhibit as tasteless, saying it had been included to generate business...so why did this seem like a good idea to the museum? When I went to the Wax Museum in Barcelona, they had a whole array of Socialist dictators on display...but they're still a Socialist nation. It just seems...obviously they saw it coming, hence the security around the figure. It's like opening one of those wax museums in Detroit and having a Klan leader figure next to Osama Bin Ladin. Somebody's going to get shot...and that's probably before the museum opens. Anyway, it's just weird, I guess.

Well, that'll do it for me today. Have a groovy day...and I'll probably see ya tomorrow. Happy Anniversary to the Wingmans once again!!! "Brown chicka brown brown, brown chicky chicky brown..."

Love, Passion, & Double D's

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, after work last night, I met up with Bubbles & two of her ladyfriends at Green Street for some pool and free drinks. It's about time a girl bought me a drink. Then again, it was just about last call when I showed up. I did better than usual with regards to billiards...and we all had a good time. The ladies then talked about getting a cab...but were going to different places, so I just offered to drive them home & they spent the money saved on some late night waffles at Village Inn that I ended up eating most of. Nice. The best part about eating at Village Inn late at night...is the people watching. In fact, there was one lady in her twenties who...probably should have been cut off a long time ago...and she was basically roaring like a cat at the other tables & rambling at the waitress. It was interesting...and mildly entertaining. Of course, sitting at the table with three very attractive ladies, there were a few guys watching our table...and probably wondering who the hell I was. "Either it's their gay friend, an older brother, or some kind of centaur. Look! He's totally looking down her shirt. That eliminates the gay friend...and he's not nearly as hot as them, so he's probably half horse." As we left, one of them even tried to wave down Bubbles from across the room...and she just laughed & grabbed onto my arm as we exited. See? Being a chauffeur pays off...in fun, waffles, and confidence-building.

Drunk Driving - You know, I realize that I talk a lot about having a designated driver (Double D's in title), enjoying alcohol in moderation, and basically being safe with your fun. It's primarily because I have seen some of my friends & family suffer greatly when they don't. My dad would tell me horror stories while he was a cop about accidents where alcohol was involved. Several of my high school friends & classmates died in car crashes. Even lesser things like DUIs and repairing your car are both really expensive & inconvenient. Even as recently as yesterday, I expressed how much I enjoy being a designated driver…because I don't need alcohol for a good time, so everybody has fun & gets home safely. Then last night I was looking through the news bites and found this story that scared me a little bit. Former Chargers safety Terrence Kiel was killed after he was thrown from a Chevy sedan he was driving Friday night. He was driving alone after leaving a party at about 10:15 PM when he hit a wall in San Diego's upscale Scripps Ranch neighborhood and was thrown from the car. Friends had tried to keep Kiel from driving home from the party, Sgt. Alan Hayward said, and witnesses told police he appeared to be driving in the wrong direction when he crashed.

Now the reason that this particular story scared me…was because Kiel is my brother's name (as you may know) so when I see a headline containing "Kiel dies" it immediately creeps me out…because it's even an unusual spelling. Secondly, he was 27 years old & driving home alone after a 4th of July party. I'm 27…and went to a party the other night. Thirdly, I thought it oddly ironic that his position when he played football was Safety. Anyway, I know you guys are probably sick of me reminding you that drinking & driving is a really bad idea…but please just take it to heart. It's not that I'm trying to tell you how to live your life or anything like that…just that I'd like you guys to be around as long as possible…and I certainly don't want to read any headlines containing "(Someone I really care about) dies" as I'm sure there are plenty others out there that feel the same way. Drink responsibly…and if you must, feel free to invite me to your shindig. I'm pretty entertaining anyway…and I'll drive you home in my plush, newly renovated Poor Man's Maybach. Seriously, you'll fall asleep in these heavenly sofa-like seats & smooth ride. I'm not joking. It's THAT comfortable.

American Tales of Gluttony - American Joey Chestnut reclaimed the top spot at the annual Nathan's hot dog eating contest in Coney Island on Friday after first tying with Japanese archrival Takeru Kobayashi in a 10-minute chow-down at 59 dogs...and then beating him in a five-dog eat-off. Kobayashi had hoped to reclaim the throne after a disappointing three-dog loss last year shattered his six-year winning streak. Chestnut's winnings include $10,000 and the coveted mustard-yellow belt. Congratulations, Mr. Chestnut!!! Your dedication has paid off. Really though, what's more American than gorging yourself on incredibly unhealthy processed meat-based products while people around the world & in your own country starve? How about this…

The Big Cheese - A sculpture of the signing of the Declaration of Independence made from a one-ton block of cheddar cheese glistened on the sidewalk of Times Square in New York on Thursday as an artist's tribute to the 4th of July. The replica of an iconic painting by John Trumbull shows John Adams, John Hancock, Benjamin Franklin and others standing around a table signing the historic document. Sculptor Troy Landwehr worked eight hours a day for a week in a 40-degree cooler carving the block of Wisconsin cheddar for cracker company Cheez-It. "The cheddar has been pasteurized and will not melt. What I spray on it is cooking oil and that stops it from drying out and cracking. That's why it looks sweaty. It actually preserves the cheese. The hardest part was trying to keep everybody in proportion." He said putting the cheese on display in New York and Philadelphia would help it age faster and then it would be taken back to Wisconsin to be donated to food pantries. Well, as absurd as it sounds, at least it's going to a good cause…eventually.

Rage & Gluttony - A man was charged with battery last week after he hit his mother in the head with a three-pound package of Polish sausage (that's what she said). Gregory Allen Praeger, 46, was in the kitchen cooking and talking on the phone when officers arrived Saturday night. His mother told police he had been drinking and arguing with her, then picked up the package of sausage and hurled it, grazing her head. She was not badly hurt and did not have to go to the hospital. He was held on $500 bond. "What are you in for?" "I clocked my elderly mother with three pounds of all-beef Polish sausage." Not going to get you street cred unless they take it in an entirely inappropriate way…then they may be disappointed during shower time.

Betsy Ross Update - Remember a few months ago when I mentioned that Benjamin Franklin & Betsy Ross were getting married? Well, to commemorate the 4th of July, historical figure reenactors Ralph Archbold (Franklin) & Linda Wilde (Ross) tied the knot in front of Independence Hall in Philadelphia. The bride and groom, as well as the entire wedding party, were in costume for the event. "Ralph and Linda, the entire city could not be happier for you," said Mayor Michael Nutter, who performed the brief ceremony. After exchanging vows, Archbold and Wilde were given a standing ovation by the crowd of several thousand as the Philly Pops played the wedding march. The couple boarded a horse-drawn coach for the trip to a private reception at the historic City Tavern, where Franklin dined along with such notables as George Washington and Thomas Jefferson. The 66-year-old Archbold, who has portrayed Franklin since 1973, and Wilde, 50, met Sept. 1 after she hired him for a friend's wedding toast. The couple discovered a mutual Love of history and education, and they announced their engagement this spring.

Speaking of Betsy Ross, the ULTIMATE CHALLENGE is still alive & well. Show off your creative skills & stand to receive a magnificent array of wonderful prizes. Years from now, perhaps a couple portraying your historical image will be married in this fashion…as the legendary creator of the first Flag of $tevonia. Do you think that Betsy Ross expected to be immortalized in song when she (allegedly) made the first flag? Nope. Never even crossed her mind. That's the thing with history, the little things that you do today, when filled with Love & Passion, could immortalize your image to inspire future generations to do the same. Perhaps the only thing that people should live with an excess of in their veins…is that Love & Passion for others. Because when it all comes down to it, the greatest purchases of our life aren't when we buy a new sportscar or an Armani suit or something just for us…but when it's an engagement ring for the Love of your life or a house to start your family. The greatest thrills aren't when you jump out of an airplane or race around going 180 MPH…but when you find that special someone who makes everything exciting & new, yet gives you a sense of inner peace and spiritual creaminess. I guess what I'm saying basically is don't sweat the small stuff…and don't be stingy with the Love (at least to those that deserve it). Sure, there may be lots of bad people out there wanting to do you wrong…but when you find those great people who make you feel incredible & really care about you, don't take them for granted. Let them know what they mean to you. Don't be afraid to open up to them. Live your life with Love & Passion.

Wow, I just realized that I babbled on a lot about that…when I started with talking about the flag for my imaginary principality. Nice. Well, that's why some of you read every word…and others skim through. Either way, thanks for reading. Writing this gibberish keeps me entertained…and hopefully does the same for you…and let me know if you'd like to sponsor me. Donations / Gratuities are greatly appreciated…as well as comments.

Anyway, that will do it for today. Not any real plans or anything...but worst-case, there's the Sunday Night Fox lineup and a new Venture Brothers episode. Awaiting the possible return of the lovely Molotov Cocktease. I know, I'm lame...but I'm also charming, so it doesn't come off as creepy unless I write it down and display it for the world to see. (Sigh...) Have a great night everybody!!! Hotchuma hotchuma!!!

Activate Hero Shield

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

After work last night, I met up with Brooklyn at Ex-Wives Place (house party was apparently cancelled) and had a few beers. Good times. I showed up just before last call...so I basically just sit back & watched intoxicated individuals celebrate America's birthday, Life, Liberty, & the Pursuit of Happiness in general. I bought a round of shots...and was instantly everybody's friend. Not a bad way to drop twenty bucks...but I doubt anyone will remember me this morning. Anyway, after an hour or so, I drove Brooklyn home & made sure that she got home safe. She was appreciative...and sent a few text messages saying so. She was a little tipsy but it's all in a day's work. I like being the designated driver because then I know that my friends get home safe. It really eases my mind. For example, the other night I was driving Bubbles home and I was being a smartass & said something that was construed as me being her chauffeur. "Oh, so that's how you feel about this? Like I'm just using you as my chauffeur?" "No, I like being your chauffeur. We have fun & you get home safe. Win-win." Besides, when you ask drunk people for gas money...sometimes they give you more than expected. Anyway, after that I talked to my brother for a few minutes (wife was camping at my mom's) then went to bed.

Today, I'm working late yet again. Really have NO idea what they're going to do when/if I change jobs. When I'm gone, who is going to work every holiday? Most weekends? Honestly, at that point, it's not my problem. Got a call from my buddy Airon today. He's sending me a wedding invitation for 8/8/08 and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to make it (really haven't seen him in a while) but we shall see. Now for some slightly morbid news...

Bozo Dies - Larry Harmon, who turned the character Bozo the Clown into a show business staple that delighted children for more than a half-century, died at his home Thursday of congestive heart failure. He was 83. Although not the original Bozo (that was actually Pinto Colvig, who voiced Goofy in 1946), Harmon portrayed the popular clown in countless appearances and, as an entrepreneur, he licensed the character to others, particularly dozens of television stations around the country. The stations in turn hired actors to be their local Bozos. "You might say, in a way, I was cloning BTC (Bozo the Clown) before anybody else out there got around to cloning DNA," Harmon told the AP in a 1996 interview. My condolences go out to his wife of 29 years, Susan Harmon, who indicated Harmon was the perfect fit for Bozo. "He was the most optimistic man I ever met. He always saw a bright side; he always had something good to say about everybody. He was the love of my life." That's great stuff right there. I can only hope that when (if) I pass, somebody would say stuff like that about me. Although clowns may be universally recognized as the creepiest things ever…you have to admire the people who portray them and bring smiles to children (and occasionally make them piss their pants in fear). So long Bozo!!!

Fun-eral Songs - At Centennial Park, the largest cemetery and crematorium in the southern city of Adelaide, Australia, only two hymns still rank among its top 10 most popular funeral songs: "Amazing Grace" and "Abide With Me." Leading the funeral chart is crooner Frank Sinatra's classic hit "My Way," followed by Louis Armstrong's version of "Wonderful World." Among other less conventional choices were "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" by the Monty Python comedy team, "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead," "Hit the Road Jack," "Another One Bites the Dust" and "I'll Sleep When I'm Dead." The Led Zeppelin and AC/DC rock anthems "Stairway to Heaven" & "Highway to Hell" rank outside the top 10, but have gained ground in recent years as more Australians give up traditional Christian hymns. Now, I've told my mom that there are a few VERY IMPORTANT things if (God forbid) she or anyone out there is in charge of my funeral.

1. There must be an open bar
2. I want a Jazz funeral kind of procession with upbeat music…or if a live band proves too expensive…then to just play some of my premade mixes like "Let's Get It On", "Funk Me Gently", or "Funk Me Again." I don't believe I've talked about the last one yet…but as you can guess, it's funky & upbeat.
3. In the pictures that will be displayed, along with the surprisingly few photos of me growing up, you have my permission to Photoshop my face on as many pictures as you want…as long as it gets a laugh. You could have me as the guy who knocked Sonny Liston out, the 5th Beatle, a tattoo on the small of Angelina's back (or newest on Megan Fox), cover of GQ magazine or some Calvin Klein underwear ad, superimposed on Tony Montana during the final shootout of Scarface, whatever.
4. Every eulogy or speech must start with "I remember the first time that I saw $teve's penis. It was that magical (holiday) in (country or major U.S. city) and we had a few too many to drink… (story continues from there)" I don't care if it's my grandma up at the podium. My will be done.
5. Also, every eulogy or speech must contain the words "chesticles" AND "schpedoinkal" at least once…and end with the speaker giving my wax statue a high five or handshake (be gentle though, I may be brittle)
   

There are a few others that I've forgotten over the years…but the point is that I don't want people to remember the way I died…but rather the way I lived. Trying my best to experience new things, help others, & just spread the Love. Just have a good time, it's a party y'all. Hopefully this won't be an issue for another 150 years or so…but you never know. They say that the good die young…and if Billy Joel sang it, you know it has to be true.

Wanna Be A Mushroom Guinea Pig? - Researchers at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore said Tuesday that the "spiritual" effects of psilocybin from so-called sacred mushrooms last for more than a year and may offer a way to help patients with fatal diseases or addictions. The researchers also said their findings show there are safe ways to test psychoactive drugs on willing volunteers, if guidelines are followed. Of the volunteers who took the one-day test of psilocybin, 22 of the 36 had a "complete" mystical experience, based on a detailed questionnaire. Griffiths said 21 continued to rate highly on this standardized scale 14 months later. "Even at the 14-month follow-up, 58 percent of 36 volunteers rated the experience on the psilocybin session as among the five most personally meaningful experiences of their lives and 67 percent rated it among the five most spiritually significant experiences of their lives." Now, I've never experienced mushrooms based on mixed testimony from people who shall remain nameless…but I do like the idea of this stuff being used to ease pain with fatal diseases & addictions. Well, wouldn't this just replace the addiction? Well, as long as mushrooms are better than heroin or something, I guess it's okay. Anyway, keep an eye on the classifieds in your area for the chance to help experiment with these mushrooms, I guess. Be careful out there though. Experiment in moderation…and with people that you trust.

Or Else This Might Happen - Lynne Rice of Norwalk drove her 1988 Cadillac into Joe's Food Mart and Video on Sunday evening, Los Angeles County sheriff's Lt. Jenny Ha said. The car plowed about halfway through the store but nobody was injured. Rice got out of the car, walked over to the cooler, pulled out a six-pack of Budweiser beer, and attempted to purchase it. Needless to say, the transaction wasn't completed, Rice was taken to a hospital for examination because she had a pre-existing medical condition, arrested for investigation of misdemeanor driving under the influence, and then released on $15,000 bail. Damage to the store was put at about $8,000. Always have a designated driver. You don't wanna be in one of these stories…and these are the good ones where nobody was hurt. They really only get worse in these circumstances. Be safe out there this weekend.

Anyway, that concludes the Public Service Announcement for the day. Sorry it was a little morbid...but that's just how the news was today. Man, the past few days have been kind of downers on this thing. My apologies. Maybe these will help cheer you up before you finish this.

Okay, I'm not going to lie...

This one's for me!!!

At least I've got tomorrow off. No plans or anything...but we shall see. Have a great, fun, safe weekend!!! Hope you all enjoyed the fireworks last night!!!

Thou Shalt Love the Tentacle

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Happy Independence Day to all of you!!! Also, happy Anniversary to my dad & stepmom!!! (I think it's 11 years now...but it's not my job to keep track) Also, a happy birthday to Geraldo Rivera while I'm at it. He turns 65 years old today. His moustache is 62. Yesterday was an incredibly laid-back day. I basically ran a few errands before it reached 100 again...and then watched a "Burn Notice" marathon on USA the rest of the day while cleaning up around the house. Bubbles stopped by around 9:30 after spending the day with her sister & her family...and then we picked up her mom to hang out, have a few drinks, and watch "Bad Santa" starring Billy Bob Thornton. Great flick. Christmas classic...like "It's A Wonderful Life" but the exact opposite. That's really about it from yesterday. Around 1:30, I dropped them off, drove home, and went to bed.


This morning, I watched a movie loaned to me by the Mad Scientist called "Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs" recently released on DVD. Now, if you like Futurama, you'll greatly enjoy this movie. If you've never seen Futurama, you may end up scratching your head half the time...but it'll still get a few cheap laughs out of you. Basically, the story is set in the year 3000 (or so) about the lead character Fry (from the 20th century but cryogenically frozen and revived a thousand years later) and long story short, he's bummed. He fell in love with a girl...and found out she was a bit of a harlot. It happens. So feeling lonely & loveless, he strolls into an anamoly (tear in space into another dimension) and meets up with...an enormous tentacled creature who wants nothing more than to make love to all the beings of the Gamma Universe (ours) now that it's free for its isolation in the other dimension. Anyway, I do a poor job of summary...so feel free to check out the movie yourself. If you like cartoons geared at a demographic of ages 18-30, then you'll love it.


Today I'm working late, then heading over to a party that my buddy Brooklyn invited me to that's being hosted by her friend Boston. It should be a good time. Oddly enough, it was this time last year when I first introduced to a lovely young lady by the name of Megan Fox...and then just in time for Independence Day, I get news that...


Megan Fox is SINGLE!!! - Transformers star & Maxim Magazine's Hottest Woman Alive Megan Fox has reportedly called off her engagement to former Beverly Hills 90210 actor Brian Austin Green. The 22-year-old actress is said to have ended her four-year relationship with the 34-year-old because she feels too young to settle down. A source close to Fox said: "Megan still cares about Brian, but she now realizes she's too young to marry him." Now, obviously I think Brian Austin Green should be on Suicide Watch for the next few days...but eventually he'll get over it...because God damn it, he had a four-year relationship with Megan Fox...from legal to 22. By the way, he finished second in the Luckiest Man Alive nominations that I decided on St. Patrick's Day (losing out to NBA player Marko Jaric, who's now engaged to Adriana Lima) but anyway, he'll be fine. Megan will also be fine...in fact, apparently she's been fine as frog's hair since the day she was born.


Now, do I think that I have a chance with her? Sure, but only if she knows what's good for her. If she's just going out to sow her wild oats (think about that for a minute...and try not to black out) then she'll probably go out with some douche who will treat her like sh*t and she'll think that all men are evil monkeys or something. Then a few years later, she'll look for a great guy like me (only better looking & richer). It's how most women are. Do I sound bitter? Well, I am a little bit. Feel free to prove me wrong. I've pretty much decided that I'm going to make a great second husband for some lucky woman out there. Only when they've been there, done that, got f**ked over, and now want to do it the right way. Then they're lucky enough to stumble upon a diamond like me. In the meantime, I'll just do the best I can, try not to get f**ked over myself, and wait for Karma to come back around. Anyway, best of luck to both of you, Megan & Brian!!! May you find the kind of Love that makes both of you complete and happy for ever & ever!!!


Teamless in Seattle - After years of discussion & lawsuits, the Seattle SuperSonics will move to Oklahoma City next season after reaching a settlement with the city of Seattle, ending the 41-year Seattle team history. The city of Seattle will be paid $45 million up front and Sonics owner (and OKC native) Clay Bennet will pay an additional $30 million in five years if the city is unable to secure another NBA team. That's $75 million...and the team's name and colors will remain in Seattle. Tell me that divorce isn't expensive...even with sports teams. The announcement came just hours before a federal judge was to issue a ruling in a lawsuit between the city and the Sonics over the KeyArena lease. The city had sued the Sonics to try to force the team to continue playing in Seattle through the end of the lease in 2010. So starting next year, the team owner has brought an NBA franchise to his hometown...and now they just have to come up with a team name & colors before the season starts around Halloween.


My suggestions from nearly a year ago still sound like good ideas to me. Don't remember? Well, here they are again...for your convenience (and hopefully a 2% cut from profits of this new Oklahoma City franchise's merchandise sales). Originally, the OKC Sonics would have worked because fast food chain Sonic's headquarters are there...but the team name has to stay in Seattle. So a close second in my would be the Bombers (unless it's still too soon, of course). Let's see what OKC is famous for. There's the warehouse district turned trendy shopping area called Bricktown...so the OKC Bricks? No, that's really bad for a basketball team. It's known as the 'Horse Show Capital of the World' so how about the OKC Horses? Or Clydesdales? There's that whole Grapes of Wrath Dust Bowl thing, so how about the Dusters? Anyway, best of luck to you Mr. Bennet. Congratulations on realizing your dream...and my condolences to the city of Seattle (psst, see if you can get the Clippers to move up there or something...because nobody cares about them in Los Angeles).


Also, speaking of team colors & whatnot, the ULTIMATE CHALLENGE is still on-going & awaiting your entry. The Great Mediocre Gatsby has already expressed interest & I can only assume is painstakingly overseeing every aspect of the Flag of $tevonia's design between projects ranging from space exploration to hallucinogenic pancake research. I'm curious to see what kind of incredible ideas you can come up with. You could be the next Betsy Ross or Ross Betsy and win the plethora of prizes.


Anyway, I hope that all of you have a wonderful 4th of July weekend with your family & friends. Be safe out there...and remember, don't drink & drive...and don't drink & light fireworks either. Let the kids do it. They're smaller targets & have faster reflexes. Have a great weekend!!! (Megan, call me)

It's just like the tattoo says, "There once was a little girl

who never knew Love until a boy broke her heart"

(then she called Dr. Mookie Love on his cell & arranged a rendezvous)

HOLLA!!!