A Brick Wants to Be Something More

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

There have been a few people who have said, "$teve, you haven't mentioned any of your kooky dreams lately. Are you still having them…or just not writing about them?" The truth is that if I were having good, entertaining dreams…then I would be more than happy to share them with you. However, for example, this morning I awoke to find myself lying with a beautiful, long dark-haired woman yearning for my touch…so I obliged her. Slowly but surely though, that damn logic of mine started kicking in. "Wait, I didn't go to bed with anybody last night. Oh crap, I'm dreaming again." Almost as instantly as I realized it, she started to fade away…like a ghost. "No, dammit. Go back to sleep, $teve. Deep breaths. You know she's not real…but you're still gonna lose her…" and then she evaporated in a heavy-panting mist leaving behind only a few warm blankets and silky sheets. It's a running theme with me. The more that I think about something, the more it seems to slip away, especially with dreams. Logic has become a pain in the ass for me. Wish I could say it was the first time (this week) that a dream like that has happened…but it's not. Why don't I share these dreams with you? Because you're probably already bored of me talking about this one…and it's not even a full paragraph. You like hearing about my frustration as much as I do…but rest assured, if I'm ever saving Australian scientists from giant snakes or saving Foxy from Transformers or saving kids from a tornado or anything else like that, I'll be sure to share them with you. Wow, I just realized that most of my dreams end up with me saving people. Maybe there's something to that...then again, I was also scared that I made sweet Love to a Terminator too. Anyway, I hope that answers all your questions that you may or may not have asked.

Yesterday, I officially applied for that THIRD job in Vegas so we'll see how that goes over the next few weeks. I'm expecting the other two to start making offers (or at least interview) soon…because I'll be out of town the next two weeks and it'd be inconvenient…which seems to be their style. It's all good though. I would love to do an interview while driving 80 MPH as I pass Lamont, Wyoming (population 3) where there may or may not be cellular phone reception with my mom talking in the seat next to me about changing the radio station because she doesn't like the song & doesn't know how to use buttons…then when the question comes up about multi-tasking, I will just laugh.

I also watched a movie that I hadn't seen before, "Indecent Proposal" with Demi Moore, Woody Harrelson, and Robert Redford. For the few of you who may not have heard about this movie, a billionaire (Redford) is gambling at a Vegas casino and his eye catches a lovely couple (Harrelson & Moore) and he invited them over for good luck. It proves effective, so he invites them up to his suite to discuss a proposition of one million dollars…for one night with your wife. Now, think about that for a moment. I have a good job that pays about well…but a million bucks is me AND my wife's salary for over the next decade…and it's offered in one night. Then comes in the Logic vs. Love conflict that made this movie really hard to watch…yet I couldn't turn away. Anyway, they go through with it (honestly, who wouldn't really? REALLY? Be honest, I won't judge). Redford's smitten with her…and he's a billionaire. Moore thinks that he's a great guy (and dynamite in the sack) but she's married. Woody's obsessed & insanely jealous because a billionaire just had relations with his wife. Conflict ensues…and I'd love to tell you how it ends…but I won't. You'll have to see it. I'll give you a hint though…a Hippo is involved. Now I know you're intrigued.

Anyway, back to the main question that the movie brings up: Would you do it? Now, you all know my resume (or lack thereof) when it comes to relationships. So keep that in mind, that I may be entirely & ignorantly blissful…or completely cynical at any time. Now, I'd like to say that I wouldn't even consider the offer because we can get by well enough without a million bucks (which would be less than half after taxes & stuff probably anyway). As it happens in this movie (and I would assume in real life if it ever came up), it was only considered after the wife brought it up as an option (since she's basically earning it) because who doesn't want to be a billionaire's girl…even for one night? So then you negotiate for more money (might as well) which didn't happen in this movie because he didn't speak with his lawyer first. Even then, I would think that if you were really in Love and trusted your partner, then it wouldn't be an issue. Sure, you'd have your thoughts…because again, who doesn't want to be a billionaire's girl…even for one night? Yeah, it's just a twisted little scenario…but I would think that Love would come through…because I'm an optimist. Worst-case, you lose out to a billionaire Robert Redford…and even though your heart is shattered into a million pieces, at least you didn't lose out to Bubba the car mechanic with a meth addiction. I don't know. What do you think? Discuss.

Best part of the day was in the evening when I hosted the $teve's Stayin' Here Rock Band party. There were a few last minute cancellations but Lilie, Mandy, Cat, Julie, and a few of the boy toys showed up and we had a rockin' evening well into the night. Great time was had by all!!! Here are some pictures…

The projector TV wall...and Sinatra on the right

Kyle & me guitar dueling to "Green Grass & High Tides"

Oh yeah, I'm $teve DeSexy

DAMMIT!!! - So apparently the reports about Megan Fox & Brian Austin Green calling off their engagement were grossly misinformed. According to an interview in TV Guide (really?), Green says "We're solid. We've lived together for three years. We have tattoos of each other's names. We have more time away from each other right now than we'd like." I'll bet. She's working. Hell, I wouldn't want to leave her side (or get dressed). Interesting thing though, he wants kids…and she's said that she's not ready for all that…but they're getting a petting zoo or sorts, which is a great compromise. "We have a potbellied pig, we have dogs, two cats, two birds a squirrel…and Megan wants a leopard - that'll never happen! That's a whole different world." Okay, I'm all for obeying laws and all of that…but if my baby wants a leopard, my baby's getting a leopard…or at the very least, a leopard-like cat…maybe a Lynx or an Ocelot. PETA would have a field day…but my Fox would have her kitty & a huge smile on her face…so it's all worth it. Anyway, it's great to hear that they're together & doing fine. I'm sorry for believing everything that I read in smut magazines…like Brett Favre retiring too. Seriously, what's going on with that?

Can't Wait for the Craziness - Police in Las Vegas say they arrested a naked man who stole a beer and then hijacked a bus several miles northeast of the Strip. A police spokesman says the man fled from a convenience store when an officer arrived to investigate a report of a shoplifter Tuesday. The man allegedly punched in a back window of a Citizens Area Transit bus, climbed aboard, forced the driver off, drove the bus about 200 yards and then jumped off the moving vehicle. A police officer climbed aboard the bus and stopped the vehicle. Police say the man was arrested on felony charges and given clothes and a mental evaluation. Do you see why I want to move to this place? Craziness & excitement everywhere…or at least near the Strip. It would be like a homecoming of sorts. Besides, it makes riding the bus a fun activity…until the new nude bus driver suddenly gets of on the next stop and forgets to put the bus in park. Good times.

Is It Chile In Here? - A stripper who danced on the poles of Santiago subway trains to challenge the prudishness of Chilean society was arrested on Thursday during one of her lightning performances. Monserrat Morilles, 26, surprised subway riders all week stripping to skimpy underwear, but she refused tips. Nice! She said she was protesting a lack of tolerance in Chile, one of Latin America's most conservative societies where the first generation since the Pinochet dictatorship is reaching adulthood. "This is just a beginning. We are starting an idea here that will grow and be developed further." The professional pole dancer worked quickly all week to avoid arrest, getting on at one station, finding a subway car with no children on it and stripping in time to exit at the next station. Chilean media dubbed her "La Diosa del Metro" or Subway Goddess. She called her performances "happy minutes." Her manager Gustavo Pradenas said, "Chile is still a pretty timid country. People aren't very extroverted and we want to take aim at that and make Chile a happier country." Fantastic. I like this idea. Ladies, do you think that America's a prudish nation like I do? Join me. We shall take it to the subway poles, the street's light poles, the barber poles, election polls, wherever the people are…that is where we will show them what of what we're made and the good Lord gave. Viva la Revolution!!!

Also gentlemen, based on sworn testimony, here's a list of things that will help out your lady when she's having that exceptionally touchy time:

• Sex (apparently it works)


• Exercise (preferably sex)


• Heat & Ice cream (interesting combination)


• Chocolate, hot tea, caffeine in general


• Ibuprofen & birth control pills


• Compliments


• Showing that you care


• Lots of sweetness, hugs, massages, etc.


• Make her laugh & don't piss her off (like calling her a fatty)

Thanks for the info, ladies. If anything else comes up, please feel free to share...and guys, remember this stuff next time it comes up. No need to thank me, just pay it forward.

Anyway, that'll do it for me for today. Tomorrow morning, I leave on my two-week vacation with my mom…and I'm not sure what kind of email access I'll have…but I'll try to keep you updated & entertained when I can. Honestly, if I hear anything about getting a job in Vegas, you'll probably hear my screams of joy across the countryside before you get an email from me anyway. So keep your ears open…and have a great time everybody!!! See ya soon...

The Lives You Affect

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday, I spent the day with my brother and his family. You know, I wonder sometimes about when/if I go to Vegas, who's going to be affected here in Utah the most? My coworkers, they'll miss me but eventually get over it...and probably eventually stop emailing me (prove me wrong). My other friends, they'll miss me...but I don't see them that much anyway because they already live an hour or so away. My parents, they'll miss me a lot...but they'll call me every other night & visit every few months...because it's Vegas. However, the people that will be most affected...are my brother & sister-in-law. This became incredibly apparent yesterday as I was hanging out with them (well, my brother mostly). I showed up around noon & watched the kids for a bit. Here are some pictures...

My nephew Vinny's already tatted up

Sorry for the picture quality, but I just wanted

to show you how cool my niece is...

"High five!!!"

My niece is cute (and my hands are HUGE)

"Pound it!!! BOOM!!!"

"Now, hide from the other boys!!! That's my girl."

We watched "Wanted" with Angelina, James McAvoy (Mr. Tumnus), and Morgan Freeman. It's a great little shoot-em-up action flick by director Timur Bekmambetov who did the Russian Nightwatch, Daywatch, Baywatch vampire movies. It's about a league of assassins...and a Joe Nobody (McAvoy) who is recruited by them to save them from the assassin who killed his father...who left him when he was a week old. It should be a horrible movie, right? Well, it has great special effects and slow-motion, rewind, one-liner, faster-motion action sequences. It was a really exciting movie for the most part, funny (if you're a little twisted like me), but yeah, pretty bloody & extreme at times...so you've now been warned. I liked it a lot though. However, I think that one scene sums the movie up best (not Angelina's back shot on the commercials...though that's what peeked my interest) and it's the great Morgan Freeman, who's the head of this organization of assassins. Now, the man has played God, the President of the United States, a singing vampire on the Electric Company, and many other memorable roles...and to hear him say...in that wonderful narrator voice, "Shoot THIS mother (lover)!!!" just sends waves of guilty pleasure through my body (though not as much as Angelina). Check it out if you like R-rated shoot-em-up movies...and await the sequels.

Anyway, back to why my brother & sister-in-law are going to miss me...because I like to think this blog is about me...to a certain extent. About the time the movie was over, Ashley was coming home from work...and she was her usual hour or so late because she stopped by her old job to say hi to her friends. No big deal, right? This happens ALL the time. Hell, I've gotten used to it...but apparently my brother can't grasp this. So she comes home (by the way, she's one of the ladies that I've been talking to about menstruation the past few days) and he does the usual "Where you been?" and of course, she wasn't in a good mood anyway, so she cops an attitude & goes upstairs...so my brother rolls his eyes in my direction, which is man code for "See what I have to deal with?" My brother's not a gentle guy. At all. In fact, he's a jackass 99% of the time...if not more.

However, after a few minutes of talking at me in a loud tone of voice about his wife (not yelling...because he knows that I would leave instantly if he were yelling at me for no reason), I suggest that he go talk to her & see what's wrong...and if there's any way that you can help. So he gives me a weird look...and I say, "Just do it, bitch." He goes up there, I hear some soft baritone talking, then some soft soprano, then some more baritone, then louder soprano, then slightly louder baritone, then a second or two of silence (uh-oh), then some kind of screaming that I can hear through walls...then Vinny starts crying because he was awoken from his nap time...and then some jumbled noises upstairs...and then Kiel comes down with a crying baby. "So ugh...what's wrong?" "(Rolls eyes) She said nothing...and I said obviously something's wrong...then she flipped out...and now I have a crying baby in my arms. Thanks (brother)!!! Wait, correction...YOU have a crying baby in YOUR arms. I'm gonna make him some food." Ladies, we try. Even after all the advice that you've given me...and I've passed along to others, it doesn't help that when we try to show some concern, you flip out. I know it's not (necessarily) your fault...but at least we try. Long story short, I texted her shortly after (I wasn't going to bug her face-to-face) and cheered her up a little bit. She was worried about school, her family, her hormones, all that stuff. It happens.

Eventually she came down & hung with the kids (my mom even stopped by) and a good time was had by all. Then my mom left with the kids (staying at grandma's house so their mom could get a good night's sleep) so it was just me, my brother, & Ashley. Then the drama started again because my brother's a bit of an idiot & mentions...well, anything moments after a women handed her kids away for the night, is exhausted, and doing her lady thing. So now I'm in the house with an arguing couple again...not what I wanted to do with my afternoon. We decided the best thing to do was to go to my buddy Young Prodigy's house and let her talk with his pregnant girlfriend while he barbecued & hung out with him. It worked. Thank God.

Later that night, Ashley had gone to bed...and so Kiel & me went out back and talked about whatever...mostly me going to Vegas. He's deathly worried about being left alone with his wife apparently. He didn't say it in so many words...but he REALLY doesn't want me to go. "I'm only going to see you when we go down for our anniversary...and maybe when you're up for the holidays or something...but you're going to use those days off for trips to Europe & the Bahamas or something (he knows me well). Who am I going to talk to? All my friends are flakes." "Well...you're kind of an asshole too, dude. Maybe you should learn to talk with your wife. Most people make sure they can do that beforehand." "Still dude, you know I'm going to be calling you all the time." "And you know what I'm doing if I'm not answering, right?" "I hope so, man. If anybody I know deserves a good girlfriend, f**k buddy, wife, whatever, it's you. I hope you find one in Vegas...just stay away from those hoes, bro. I don't want you getting the clap or anything." "Well, that makes two of us."

That's really all I've got today, except I applied for that other new job in Vegas this morning. So yeah, he's gonna miss me...and Ashley's going to miss me (because she vents to me all the time too). The kids are going to miss me too (until they forget about me) but it just feels like Vegas is the next step for me. Don't know how to explain it. It's gonna be fun...but in the meantime, I'm just going to have to enjoy my time here in Utah...beginning with my $teve's Stayin' Here Rock Band Party tonight!!! Stop on by!!! If not, have a great night!!! Oh by the way, Rock Band 2 will be here later this year. Awesome, right?

MORE COWBELL!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night after meetings, I went over to Filly's house and basically we played Rock Band, watched some South Park (yes, including Guitar Queer-O), and ate pizza. It was good clean wholesome fun...except for Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. Other than that, not really much to tell. Today, I have the day off so I was going to get some stuff done around the house...then Bubbles is in town, so we'll probably hang out & have a few drinks (shocking, I know) but really no plans or anything. She does know that I work Friday & Saturday nights though...and she's a little bummed...but she'll get over it...and I'll be off at midnight. Well, according to the Classy & Fabulous Katie's blog, today is Air Conditioning Appreciation Day, Compliment Your Mirror Day, and Independence Day...for Belarus. I've already complimented myself in the mirror (every day in my world), going to appreciate the AC in my car, and congratulations to the Belarusians. Enjoy the sweet savory taste of Freedom. Anyway, here's some real news...

Panda Update - South China may get its first panda breeding centre, taking over some of the animals driven from their home by last month's powerful earthquake in the country's far southwest. The Xiangjiang Safari Park in Guangzhou, capital of Guangdong province, is applying to the State Forestry Administration for permission to breed the endangered animals. "The park has all it takes for panda breeding ... with the state-of-the-art infrastructure and our rich experience of taking care of rare animals like pandas, koalas and golden monkeys," said Zhang Delu, a park official. Currently only Beijing, Fujian province in the southeast, and Sichuan province in the southwest have panda breeding centres...and of course, the one in the Sichuan province was damaged by that May 12th 8.0 earthquake and millions in the area are homeless...so their attention is elsewhere. Best of luck, Xiangjiang Safari Park!!!

Madagascar 2: Marty & Alex Go to Amsterdam - Amsterdam police say 15 camels, two zebras and an undetermined number of llamas and potbellied swine briefly escaped from a traveling Dutch circus after a giraffe kicked a hole in their cage. The animals were back at the circus later Monday after being rounded up by police and circus workers with the assistance of dogs. Aben says neighbors fed some of the animals, which he said was a bad idea, but they were tame and nobody was hurt. Says police spokesperson Arnout Aben: "You have to imagine somebody rubbing his eyes first thing in the morning and saying, 'Am I seeing things or is that 15 camels walking past?'" See what happens when you shrink the Red Light District? The animals see weakness...and smell fear. "Ah-ha, they are intimidated by our styles once again!!! Now is the time to strike!!! Llama infantry, ATTACK!!!" "Yes General Jaffe (because seriously, what else are you going to name a giraffe?)"

Does the Earth Cry? - Astronomers have discovered that Earth emits an ear-piercing series of chirps and whistles that could be heard by any aliens who might be listening. The sound is awful, a new recording from space reveals. Scientists have known about the radiation since the 1970s. It is created high above the planet, where charged particles from the solar wind collide with Earth's magnetic field. It is related to the phenomenon that generates the colorful aurora, or Northern Lights. The radio waves are blocked by the ionosphere, a charged layer atop our atmosphere, so they do not reach Earth. That's good, because the out-of-this-world radio waves are 10,000 times stronger than even the strongest military signal, the researchers said, and they would overwhelm all radio stations on the planet. This flat beam could be detected by aliens who've figured this process out, the researchers say. The knowledge could also be used by Earth's astronomers to detect planets around other stars, if they can build a new radio telescope big enough for the search. They could also learn more about Jupiter and Saturn by studying AKR, which should emit from the auroral activity on those worlds. Now, when I listened to it, I thought it was a lot like the sounds from the Transformers movie (and probably was used for it) but there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of importance to it. If aliens were able to hear the noise, it would be like them hearing wind blow through the trees...only a LOT less calming. Then again, what if the Earth is talking to us...or aliens...and this is their SOS signal? Yeah, probably not...but I'm just trying to make this interesting to somebody else other than me.

Sherlock Holmes Movie - Speaking of things that may make the Earth cry, "Talladega Nights" trio Sacha Baron Cohen, Will Ferrell and producer Judd Apatow are re-teaming on an untitled Sherlock Holmes comedy for Sony Pictures. Cohen will play detective Holmes and Ferrell will play his assistant Watson. Inspired by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes tales, the plot is being kept under wraps but the article was quick to point out that the film has nothing to do with the proposed 2010 Guy Ritchie-directed Warner Bros. Pictures drama "Sherlock Holmes". Really? Wouldn't have guessed that with Borat playing Sherlock Holmes & Ron Burgundy as Watson. For some reason, I don't see Guy Ritchie getting involved with that. It may be a funny movie...but I'm still waiting for the announcement of the Will Ferrell biker movie costarring Martin Klebba.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. I'll catch up with you on INDEPENDENCE DAY!!! Fireworks, hot dogs & burgers, cold beers, and...oh yeah, 8 hours of work during primetime for that stuff. Why did I decide to work that shift? Honestly, I was planning on being in Vegas by this time, remember? Funny how things work out. Have a great day everybody!!!

I Need A Sex Tape

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Watched some more great basketball games last night…and the San Antonio Spurs have moved on to the next round to face the New Orleans Hornets. They're still obviously my pick to win it all…because they play basketball smart, have been together for a LONG time (especially by NBA standards), and just have talented role players from top to bottom…and three of the best in the game - Timmy Duncan, Manu Ginobili, and Mr. Eva Longoria himself, Tony Parker. VIVA PARKER!!! Oh yeah, during commercials I flipped back & forth between the game & "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" on FX again. I just like that movie. Funny, sexy, action-packed, Angelina, secret agents, even Vince Vaughn in small doses. Great flick. Anyway, not much else other than we have somebody from corporate visiting (my Boss Lady's Boss' Boss' Boss) and we get fed this afternoon. Oh…and I'm in my suit…with a new dress shirt. So fresh, so clean. My mom's coming into town for dinner tonight…but being my mom, she has no idea when or where…just that she's coming. Love ya, mom!!! Now for some news...


Voodoo Child Sex Tape - Vivid Entertainment (who I'm told is some sort of adult entertainment movie company…that I swear I've never heard of or am familiar with any of their stars) says that they have obtained…and therefore will soon be releasing another celebrity sex tape…and this one is Jimi Hendrix from forty years ago. I know!!! I was surprised that VH1 was going "Behind the Music" back in the sixties…but apparently they've been around for while. The 11 minutes of footage, reportedly shot in a hotel room about 40 years ago, allegedly features Hendrix engaged in various sexual acts with two women (That's it? Must have been a slow night). Vivid said they consulted with experts to authenticate the footage but Charles R. Cross, author of the Hendrix biography "Room Full of Mirrors," has seen the film and doubts the man is Hendrix. "This is somebody that looks like Jimi or is pretending to look like him, but it certainly didn't look like a dead-on match to me." Seattle-based representatives for Hendrix's estate declined to comment about the tape. As many of you already know, Jimi's been gone since 1970 due to the rock & roll lifestyle…and overdosing on it…but the reason I mention this stuff is just because it's good to hear him in the news once in a while. Even if it's an adult film company trying to make bank on his name…and probably will whether it's really him getting a Brazilian Snowcone or not. The point is…when you become a celebrity…and this goes for all of you out there…release a sex tape…but make sure that it's done professionally…and that you get the money in advance. That's just another entrepreneurial tip from a man who's just waiting to become a celebrity…and find a costar or two…because honestly, WWJD - What Would Jimi Do?


Monkey See, Monkey Do Do - I rag on Hogle Zoo here in Slick City a lot…because I've seen others. However, some interesting recent news out of there as doctors performed eye surgery on Eli, a 10-year-old howler monkey with a Biblical name. The zoo was first tipped to the bad eyesight by steadily increasing patron comments on Eli's poor marksmanship with his feces tossing. He can't follow an eye chart, of course, but Eli's caretakers believe he can see better for the first time in years. Doctors removed cataracts from Eli's eyes Monday and replaced his natural lenses with acrylic ones designed for children and should last for the rest of his life. Within an hour, veterinarian Nicole MacLaren says the monkey was "running around and acting like he can see." No word yet on whether or not this monkey will be the super advanced monkey that leads to the downfall of the human race…but I'll be sure to keep you posted…or at least try to get a picture of him next time I got to the zoo. Congratulations to Eli and the talented team of doctors that performed the procedure.


North Carolina Connection - As mentioned yesterday, the NBA's Charlotte Bobcats (most famous for being owned by the President of BET and part-owned by North Carolina alumni Michael Jordan) announced that they had hired North Carolina alum Larry Brown as their new head coach…to go along with assistant coaches Phil Ford (North Carolina) and Dennis Williams (South Carolina, just to be different). It's believe that Brown will help to maximize the potential of the team's young talent, including former UNC players Raymond Felton & Sean May) and experienced veterans like Jeff McInnis…of where else? UNC. Larry Brown was an Olympic caliber basketball player when he played at UNC in the 60's, then signed on to coach at Davidson (in North Carolina) only to quit before coaching a game to coach…the ABA's Carolina Cougars. Yeah, from there he basically stayed a few years with eight other NBA teams, coached college at UCLA and Kansas, and is now with his 9th NBA team…where he may stay for a few years…but I can understand because his mama lives in North Carolina.


The moral of the story: Go to North Carolina!!! Sure, you may have to wear baby powder blue clothing to show your affiliation…but you're basically guaranteed a job with the Charlotte Bobcats…which is the NBA's version of a fraternity. Okay, not really…but still, it's kinda funny, right? No? Alright, well…just a prediction…but watch the Bobcats during the draft this June…and see who they pick. They would have certainly taken NCAA Player of the Year Tyler Hansborough if he dropped to the 8th pick in the draft…but he decided to stay for his senior year (for some reason). However, there's still guards Ty Lawson, Wayne Ellington, & forward Danny Green…at least in the second round. Only time will tell...


Grand Theft Auto IV - My brother sent me a text message last night that said simply "Get It!!!" Bro, you know I've been trying…but I guess I'm just too picky…or too much of a prude or something. Of course, he wasn't taking about me getting IT…but rather the video game "Grand Theft Auto IV" which was released on the PS3 yesterday…and it made hella bank. According to a semi-reliable source (my brother), the game is "pretty f**king awesome." I told him to sell me on one text message…and he responded with "Bob Marley has his own radio station, darts & bowling using six axis, strip clubs & f**kin', great graphics, a lot of changes in controls, & bad ass cars." Not sure on his list of priorities…or what they really have to do with the game about an Eastern European immigrant who runs drugs, shoots cops and beats up prostitutes after falling in with a crime syndicate…but it could be a lot of fun. Here's the real question though, will I buy it? Possibly. Certainly not based on his award-winning sales pitch…because I already have a dart board, Bob Marley CDs, bad ass cars, lasik surgery that leads to great graphics, and strip clubs within walking distance. However, it's a lot of fun sometimes to just take up a bunch of guns, grenades, and prostitutes…and just go on an all-night shoot-em-up bender, blasting helicopters, SWAT teams, and innocent bystanders after a long day at work…and it'd be a lot safer for me if I were to do that on television rather than going out Scarface-style on State Street. Time will tell.


That'll do it for today. Mom's visiting, Filly has a play, JL Clyde's friend's band has a concert, Boss Lady's Boss' Boss' Boss is here, I'm lookin' supadupa fly. Should be a good day…despite the cloudy weather. Have a great day everybody!!! Feel free to gimme your opinion on the Jimi video…or anything else really.

Unsolved Mysteries

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I would just like to thank everybody who may or may not donate for Breast Cancer Awareness and Research for my birthday present…and apparently Carl's Jr. is getting in on it too. Well, not specifically for my birthday, I'm sure, but apparently they're giving away a great gamut of coupons for dollar donations to breast cancer awareness. Kudos to you, Carl's Jr. What are some of these coupons? For one, a dollar off any breakfast burrito (paid back already…and the money's still going to a worthy cause), free Western burger with purchase of another (that's like $4 saved), and many others. I think there was a shake involved for all you ice cream fanatics out there. That's right, I'm promoting fast food…to save the tatas. Also, not a big fan of Paris Hilton with Carl's Jr. but I couldn't find the hot truck driver girl in plaid on the internet. My apologies. Still, as long as she's not talking, Paris is almost tolerable. Like the city, as long as you don't have to smell it.


This morning, I walked out to my car…and luckily, it had rained overnight and into the morning, so there was a wonderful crisp, clean feeling in the air, which always makes for a good morning. I hopped in my car…and my seat was wet. Mother lover. I checked the window to see if it had been cracked open…but it was sealed up…and there wasn't any indication that it seeped through the window gaskets or anything…so why the hell was my ass wet now?



I could almost hear Robert Stack's baritone over the background piano music, "Slick City, Utah. 10 AM. Non-profit gigolo, Dr. Mookie Love walks out to his car on a beautiful clear day. He sits within his Buick Park Avenue…and realizes…that his ass…is now wet. Confused & hungry, he inspects the car for defaults…or any explanation of his newfound moistness…but there's no evidence. Carla Smith, a nosy bitch who lives near Dr. Love who asked not to be identified, said that there had been a few instances of DSD…or Driver's Seat Dampness reported in her sewing circle over the past few months. What could have caused it? Global climate? Shotty automobile design? UFOs? A jealous ex-lover (I wish)? Condensation? Ritual animal sacrifice? If you…or anyone you know has any information about Dr. Love's soaked backside, please call us here at Unsolved Mysteries at 1-800-876-5353. There may be a reward for your information…and don't forget to Save the Tatas."


Nerd Alert - So my brother called me last night to inform me that he had seen a preview for a new fighting game coming out called "Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe" where apparently you can fight as some of the favorite MK characters…against DC Superheroes. Though it's still in the early stages, some of the matchups could be really kick ass. Who doesn't want to see Scorpion versus Superman? Sub Zero versus Batman? Lui Kang versus the Flash? Or my personal favorite, Wonder Woman versus…Wonder Woman? Anyway, no real details other than internet rumors at this time…other than it's apparently going to happen…allegedly this fall. I'll be sure to keep you posted…because you may think that I'm a nerd now…but in junior high, I was a super nerd. I know, hard to believe. I actually drew up and made lists of synchronized commands for a fighting game…that brought a bunch of fighting games together like this…but it was just about all of them (Street Fighter, MK, Marvel, DC, Weaponlord, Darkstalkers, King of Fighters, Samurai Showdown, Killer Instinct, etc.) but yeah, then I kinda went away from all of that. It's all good though. I'll leave it to the professionals for the video games…and bringing that many corporate entities together would have just been a bother anyway.


Nerd Test - I scored just under 19%. Feel free to take the test for yourself…but I'm going to warn you, it's a little long…but you'll get used to it. Tehehe, if I had a nickel for every time I've said that…


Also, big thanks to Filly for cooking me up some kick-ass chicken alfredo last night as we watched new South Park episodes. Congratulations on your graduation next week!!! I hope your computer starts working soon...so yeah, this shout out's pretty worthless...but yeah, I told you last night. Congratulations!!! By the way, I loved the South Park episode where Cartman is teaching underpriviledged kids how to cheat...and it's a great parody of "Stand & Deliver" with Edward James Olmos. Check that out if you can. "How do I reach these keeeeds?" "I mis-interpreted the rrrrrules." Lots of stabs at the New England Patriots too.



Anyway, that should do it for today. I'd better get back to work or something because God knows this place won't run as smoothly without me. (Fingers crossed, hopefully Vegas comes calling soon) Have a great day everybody!!!

Night at the Theatre

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, the symphony last night was magnificent. After spending the day drinking fluids and watching "Battlestar Galactica: Razor" (by the way, lesbians + robots = awesome), I met up with JL Clyde for a night in downtown Slick City...and to get our culture on. We walked around downtown for about an hour past Temple Square and a lot of things that I hadn't really walked past in a long, long, long time. There's this little house right in the heart of downtown...and my thought was, "I have been here. When I was a kid. This house is important for some reason" and then I read a sign that said it was Brigham Young's old crib. "Oh, cool. Kinda small for a few dozen wives though, isn't it?" Here are some pictures of the area...

I guess it's because we're the Beehive State...

Utah's State Bird - The California Bull

We arrived at the beautiful Abrevanel Hall and the mix of theatre goers was tremendous. There were a few people over the age of forty, who were obviously there because they had season tickets, dressed to the nines, and looking around at all the young whipper-snappers filling their prestigious hall. The vast majority though, were the 18-30 demographic with expendable income who may or may not still live in their parent's basement and have at least one Warcraft account and four Final Fantasy games.

I'm guessing it's that Chihuly guy...

Abravenel Hall - A Wonderful Symphony Hall

Costume Contest Finalists

Mario, some dude, some chick, Mage, Feather

Hat Guy, some other chick, and that guy

Mini Mario & Luigi, hot announcer, some dude too

serious about his Trigun outfit, Chun Li, Princess Daisy,

and...Strawberry Shortcake?

Your winner...Chun Li!!!

Somebody knows what daddy likes...

Now, I've played a few video games in my day...definitely a lot more about a decade ago before I started working & going to school full-time. However, JL Clyde & I were completely out of our element. Half of the games they played music for (the newer ones), I had no idea what they were talking about. What's "Advent Rising"? Tommy Tallerico was the master of ceremonies...and fittingly enough, his wardrobe was a formal jacket with Spiderman undershirt...and some flashy red & silver sneakers...oh, and a shirt that played Pong briefly. Needless to say, they started just about every segment with "We're gonna do things a little differently..." just in case we forgot that this was called Video Games Live. The symphony was incredible...and they had a guest pianist who made himself famous by playing Super Mario Brothers themes blindfolded on YouTube. He was amazing. They played themes from Zelda to Kingdom of Hearts to Metal Gear Solid to Castlevania...and I can't believe how NUTS people went when they introduced Warcraft & Kingdom of Hearts. It was tremendously entertaining alone.

Yes, that's Donkey Kong on the screen

This guy was doing live action Space Invaders.

Afterwards, we walked around Temple Square again. It's a gorgeous place. Very romantic at night. Then we met up with Filly and hung out with her for a few hours before I headed home.

"You're so stiff. Relax... Relax..."

Thanks for being a nerd with me, Ms. Clyde.

Tonight, Bubbles & I are going to the Utah Blaze game for some Saturday Night Arena Football. It should be a lot of fun...and my voice is fully recovered from the symphony last night. Never thought I'd say that before...but that's what life's about, right? New experiences...and I definitely recommend checking out this Video Games Live if you get a chance. That's really all I've got right now...but tune in tomorrow for some badass photos from the game...and a few surprises as always. Have a great night everybody!!!