Snoochie Boochies

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Diet & exercise plan are still going good. I loved jogging today because it rained last night and into the morning, so the crisp, clean, refreshing feeling that comes with a fresh rain was all around me. I enjoyed it. I've also decided that I need to get some real jogging or basketball shoes, as opposed to the $12 Wal-Mart shoes that I currently wear, because by about the end of the second jogging session (whenever I get bored) my feet get a little sore…so then I walk and listen to the woodpeckers, geese, and whatever else is flying through the neighborhood. In the next few days, I'll probably find a place to play some basketball nearby…or go to the Rec Center. Oh, I've also set up an appointment for my physical on April 21st. It's not my doctor that I've had since I was a baby…because he's booked until late May…but this other guy came recommended. Good times.

Between joggings, I spent most of the day watching "An Evening With Kevin Smith" courtesy of JL Clyde. Kevin Smith is the director of "Clerks", "Mallrats", "Dogma", "Chasing Amy", "Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back", "Clerks II" and plays Silent Bob in most of his movies. The movie is basically him at various stops on a university tour that he did, doing a little Q&A with the students & fans. He's a hilarious guy…and listening to him talk about his moviemaking experiences, he seems like a really cool cat…and the type of director that I think I would be…only probably less successful. Let me put it this way, if you like reading the silly stuff on my blog, then you'd probably enjoy this movie…and I'm ready to watch number two some time soon. Oh yeah, rated R. Speaking of Rated R, my big German buddy Ruben sent me this wonderful link to a short version of "The Big Lebowski" but please…don't play it around children. It's basically all the F-bombs in one three-minute montage. Thanks Ruben!!!

I'd also like to give another shout-out to my hot black friend Jewels on starting her new blog. It's incredibly entertaining…and she thinks that I should move to Arizona instead of Vegas…but I'm still leaning towards Sin City. She's hilarious though. Check her out. Now, here's the news...

Two-Faced Baby - No, it's not an overly elaborate promotion of the new "Dark Knight" movie coming out this summer, but rather a child born in India who was born…with two faces. Hundreds of locals have gone to see the baby…as it is being treated as a reincarnation of the Hindu god, Lord Ganesh. He is a highly benevolent god revered as the remover of obstacles and creating new beginnings. Another local doctor, Bridal Nagar, said she was not an "abnormal baby" but just one with two faces living a normal life, but who might face problems later on. That's true…but think of the poor mother breast feeding both faces simultaneously. Go ahead, think about it. It's okay. It's not weird. It's natural. No need to be afraid of it. My favorite thing, check out the super dimple in the faces' shared cheek. I was wondering what the heck it was at first too…but it's a dimple. Sometimes (being the weirdo that I am) I think about having a child…and I wonder what I would do if my baby came out with two faces. Here's a couple things that would probably happen:

1. I would love that baby twice as much…if it all possible to love that much
2. Blame it on the mother's genes, the Media, and/or cell phone waves
3. If it were a boy, name him Harvey Dent Love
4. If it were a girl, give her some cool, sexy Marvel Comics superhero name like Mystacia or Fantazler or Janus
5. I'm already envisioning family pictures with a parent kissing each face, mildly creepy but sweet
6. Charge two bits a gander…and send her to Harvard for college
7. Meet Oprah on her talk show…and then destroy her
8. Okay, you can't really hate Oprah. She's cool…
9. Post pictures on my blog…and it'd get a million hits a day
10. Use revenue from the ad space to fund numerous charities across the globe…and get her a pony or something when she's old enough…or him a bike (hover bike by the time I have kids)
    

It just goes to show what Thomas Edison said, "Life is 10% what happens to you & 90% how you react to it." I wish that baby girl's family the best…and may they be happy & healthy for as long as possible. Also, I read this article that they're starting to come up with Gene Scanning that can tell you about possible health risk & birth problems…but honestly, it's basically like going over your family history for the most part. However, with a few years of highly-funded research, we could start making GATTACA babies before you know it. Could it lead to the end of disease? Highly doubt it. Could it help you to determine what to expect when you're expecting? Probably. Will it be covered by your HMO? Hahahaha, HM-No. Will it cost a few thousand dollars? Unless you go to Mexico…or Canada. Anyway, just passing the knowledge. Feel free to check out the article if you want.

Monkey on the Lam - Orlando Police apprehended a diaper-clad monkey who escaped from his home on Friday and was sitting on top of a wall. When passerby's tried to catch the monkey, he charged at them, forcing them to retreat to the street into oncoming traffic. Authorities then used a banana (gasp) to lure the monkey into a cage…and then found out that it was simply a small, hairy, retired man with no pants. Okay, that last part was a lie…but the monkey's owners have yet to be found. I'm just getting an image of the monkey charging at some passerby wearing Mickey Mouse ears (shout out to Lilie & her baby picture) and them almost getting hit by a shuttle bus. Apparently, it's illegal to own a monkey as a domesticated pet…but not as a service animal. That's what we call in the business, a loophole. So kids, if you've ever wanted your dream of having a pet monkey to come true (and we all have thought about it) all you have to do is get a written statement from your physician…and maybe lose your sight or hearing or something…and you could be the proud owner of a service monkey (for a few bucks extra) and finally have that diaper-clad sidekick that you've always wanted. I'll let you know when "Dr. Love & Ape Lincoln" hit the streets in my latter years…and yes, he will have an appropriate outfit. This of course is void if service sexbots have been perfected by that time…which I am optimistic that they will be. Why would I be willing to go with the far more expensive option?

Sex & Financial Risk Linked - A new brain-scan study may help explain what's going on in the minds of financial titans when they take risky monetary gambles — Sex. When young men were shown erotic pictures, they were more likely to make a larger financial gamble than if they were shown a picture of something scary, such a snake, or something neutral, such as a stapler. Professor Camelia Kuhnen said, "You have a need in an evolutionary sense for both money and women. They trigger the same brain area." Of course, the same are is also stimulated by chocolate…but I know that I'm more willing to spend $20 on a four-minute lapdance if I'm shown a certain image…or to bet the family farm on a game of blackjack if this is my view…

All this time I thought it was because single people were more willing to take financial gambles because it was just them involved in the gamble…because a wise man named Antonio Montana once said, "First, you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the woman"…as opposed to a married man already having a family to worry about…and therefore take the safe route so maybe his kids can take a financial gamble. Now, I see that this is pure conjecture with no scientific merit (like many of my theories). Thank you, Professor Kuhnen. Wait, is considering moving to Vegas a financial risk? Could I be influenced by the many wonderful erotic images associated with that place? I guess…anything is possible.

The Ultimate Ankle Warmer - In Singapore, the highlight of a lingerie fashion show was this Romanian model Danielle Luminita wearing a diamond thong worth roughly $122,000. The Triumph Luxurious Diamond Thong had 518 brilliant-cut diamonds, totaling 30 carats, studded into the front of a black lace thong in a floral pattern. The skimpy underwear that left little to the imagination also had 27 white gold tassels hanging off it. Luminita said, "It is very comfortable, it's not heavy or scratchy or anything." Maybe on your end…but the threat of 518 brilliant-cut diamonds on a little bump-and-grind action would probably have the consistency of a cheese grater on my end. For my safety…and your pleasure, I must insist that you take that off. Thank you…and thank you.

Well, that'll do it for tonight. Tomorrow, I'm thinking that I'm going to work out a little bit in the morning, go get some new releases at Blockbuster, then go hang out with my dad before work. Should be a fun time. Maybe I'll tell him that I'm thinking about moving. It could go one of two ways. Either "What? You're leaving me here…with your stepmom…and your brother? What have I ever done to you? Huh? What am I gonna do now?" or "Are you sure?" Explain my pros & cons. "Well, at least you've put thought into it. Figured you would. Well, at least I'll always have a room for me when I wanna come down for the weekend." I'm guessing it'll really be the latter that he says…but deep down, he'll probably want to come with me. Anyway, to be continued. Have a great night everybody!!!