You Never Go Ass to Mouth

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Today has been an okay day. Basically left work, slept a few hours, then headed right back…but it's all good…because I got to train Becca and catch up with her. She's awesome…and showed me pictures of her 6-year old daughter. She's a cutie. Other than that, not really much to report on such little time. We got the Chicken Dance song stuck in a coworker's head. That was awesome. Anyway, here's some news...

Now That's What I Call a Sticky Situation - A 50-foot long Viking ship named THOR was constructed by stuntman Robert McDonald (Ronald's brother), his son (Ronald's nephew), and more than 5000 children (some of Ronald's Malaysian workforce). It set sail on Tuesday on a voyage from England to the Netherlands. Oh…and it's made out of 15 million recycled ice-cream sticks glued together. McDonald was badly injured as a child in a gas explosion that killed the rest of his family. He has loaded his ship with cuddly toys and plans to reach London and visit children in hospitals. He and his crew hope to cross the Atlantic later on the ancient Viking route to North America via Iceland and Greenland. "If you can dream it you can do it ... I want to teach children that anything is possible." You gotta have balls to test a boat like that on the unforgiving sea. Wouldn't it be amazing if a boat made out of recycled popsicle sticks made the journey that the Titanic couldn't? Do you think they'd make a movie about it 85 years from now…and it'll gross like a billion dollars? Of course it will, thanks to inflation. Anyway, best of luck to you, Mr. McDonald!!! Sorry…Captain McDonald!!!

Damn Communists!!! - Venezuela has banned "The Simpsons" from its television airwaves, calling the show a potentially bad influence on their children. This satirical take on a dysfunctional American family had been shown, dubbed into Spanish, on the Televen network at an 11 am slot. Well, you don't run "The Simpsons" midday. You run courtroom shows, soap operas, and commercials for colleges & attorneys at law…but not the greatest show in American history before noon. That's a prime time show, baby!!! Honestly though, I can understand banning "The Simpsons" if you're a communist nation trying to shut down free expression and independent thought in both your youth and working class…but they replaced it with "Baywatch" for God's sake. Sure, I'd rather watch "Baywatch" during the day…when nobody else is around…but isn't that more of a potentially bad influence on their children…to be like Hasselhoff…or Pamela? Do they want their daughters to marry the dirtiest rocker they can find? Or their sons to have a loyal following in Germany? It just doesn't make any sense to me.

Spotting a Floozy - Scientists at Durham University say that members of the opposite sex can spot whether someone is after a one-night stand or something more permanent just by looking at their face. On men, a square jaw, large nose and small eyes are more likely to betray the look of lust than of Love. Women found men with softer features more likely to opt for commitment. However, there is no common facial feature on a woman that gives men a clue through the research. Published in the journal "Evolution and Human Behavior," the research also showed that women who were open to short-term sexual relationships were usually seen as more attractive. They tended to have wide eyes and large lips, such as the actress Angelina Jolie. Women were usually interested in men who appeared to be more likely to want a long-term relationship. The research tended to confirm earlier findings which found that women see masculine men as more likely to be unfaithful and worse at parenting. Having a large nose and small eyes myself, now I see that women think I'm more likely to have a one-night stand than a relationship. Of course, it all makes sense now. Damn you chiseled good looks & dominating facial features!!! You've thwarted me again!!! Oh well, at least it means I may get a few one-night stands out of it…you know, if that's what you're looking for. Too bad I'm not. For an experiment, look at the above picture...and tell me which girl you think will put out. Anyway, it's actually kind of an interesting article. Now, for something you haven't experienced in a few months...a Dr. Love Movie List...in honor of my viewing habits the past few days.

Kevin Smith Movies - Funny cat, great filmmaker, doting father, seems like he's got his world in perspective...albeit a view askew perspective. Here's my favorites of his works.

Medal Winners

Gold - Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back (2001) - This is basically the movie that brings all of previous movies together…and it's just hilarious to watch. Of course, Mr. Smith takes on his legendary role of Silent Bob and it's hard to believe that Jason Mewes is a lead actor in this movie…but he actually does a really good job. It's the story of two Jersey cats who stumble upon the internet & find out that some bloggers are talking trash on comic book characters loosely based off them…and they take it personally…and must go to Hollywood to stop the movie from being made…for some reason. Will Ferrell, George Carlin, Ali Larter, Eliza Dushku, Jason Lee, Judd Nelson, Shannon Elizabeth, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Scooby Doo, Jason Biggs, James Van Der Beek, Mark Hamill, basically half of Hollywood has at least a cameo in this movie. If you haven't seen it yet, check it out. There are a LOT of jokes with references to the previous movies…but if you haven't seen them, it's okay…because there's plenty of fart jokes to keep you entertained anyway.

Silver - Dogma (1999) - This was very close to getting my Gold Medal…but yeah, I gave it Silver. My blog. It's the story of the Last Zion (Linda Fiorentino), a couple of angels (Affleck & Damon), the 13th apostle (Chris Rock), a muse (Salma Hayek), Jay & Silent Bob, and their adventures across the country to save existence. Oh yeah, Jason Lee is a demon in there too…and George Carlin is a priest…and there's a poop monster...and God is a Canadian…but I'm not going to spoil the ending. Check it out…or you'll go to Hell. Buddy Christ thinks that you should too.

Bronze - Mallrats (1995) - This was really the first movie of Kevin's that I saw. It's basically about kids hanging out at a mall…and the hijinx that ensue. I could go into more plot details…but you're probably already bored with me talking about these movies. You do get to see breasts though. You'll laugh a lot. Maybe that'll make it worth your while. Don’t be swayed away because Shannon Doherty is in it. It was 1995…she was big at the time…and people make mistakes. Jason Lee is hilarious throughout…and worth the price of rental.

Suggestion - Chasing Amy (1997) - I've only seen this movie once…mostly because it's about relationships…but it's funny…and involves lesbians…so I had to watch it. It's actually really good. I've only seen it once because I don't have it readily handy like the others. That's the only reason why. Well, that and the whole relationships thing. Silent Bob does a monologue (whereas normally he doesn't say a word, hence the name). It's hot, steamy, sweaty fun. Check it out…or not…just a suggestion. Obviously, his first movie "Clerks" and even the sequel over a decade later "Clerks II" come highly recommended as well. I think that covers about all of his movies.

Flush It - Jersey Girl (2004) - Everybody talks crap on this movie. EVERYBODY!!! I actually thought it was pretty good and liked it a lot…but something had to make the Flush It…and this was my least favorite movie of his…but still, you should give it a shot. Yeah, I know J-Lo's in it…but only for a few minutes…then you get to feast on Liv Tyler…and hear her talk dirty. That's right. Arwen as a bit of a floozy. Besides, I like it because it's a little different from Kevin Smith's other works and it shows that he can write a movie about Love and parenting, instead of constant fart, drug, & BJ jokes. I'd say check it out. Guaranteed it's available at your local Blockbuster. People need to quit giving him a hard time about this movie, I've decided. Still better than anything they've done.

Future Watch - Zack & Miri Make a Porno (2008) - Plot outline: "Lifelong platonic friends Zack (Seth Rogen) and Miri (Elizabeth Banks) look to solve their respective cash flow problems by making an adult film together. As the cameras roll, however, the duo begin to sense that they may have more feelings for each other than they previously thought." So it's a heartwarming tale of Love found while making amateur porn? Awesome. Can't wait to see it. There's also his horror flick "Red State" (2010?) that was just announced about a group of misfits stumbling upon a fundamentalist group gone ass crackers crazy in Middle America. Could be good. Anyway, best of luck to you sir.

Oh yeah, big news!!! Dad & I have flights and everything set for Vegas next month. Bubbles is excited to see us…and vice versa!!! It's my dad's first time there since the grand opening of New York New York…so it's changed a bit. Anyway, more on that as it transpires. Have a great night everybody!!! See ya around!!!