$teve Bumps Hard

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Lots of great basketball action going on last night as the Lakers swept the Nuggets, Magic won their series against the Raptors (basketball players, not dinosaurs, or birds of prey), and the Hawks tied up their series with the Celtics. More great basketball going on tonight if anybody is interested…but you're probably not…otherwise you'd be checking out NBA.com about Larry Brown becoming the next coach of the Charlotte Bobcats instead of reading this…so I'll move on. Last night, Brooklyn, the Mad Scientist, & I were going to have an impromptu Movie Night…but that fell out…so we're probably going to reschedule for later in the week. It's been a while since we had one. Other than that, I went for a few jogs and a walk around sunset, talked to Bubbles about her adventures with a six-year old (learning different sounds of "U"), and watched basketball. No new embarrassing interview stories to share or anything like that…yet. The day is young though.

Colbert Bump Theory - Fellow $teve, adamant blog reader, & host of "The Colbert Report" Stephen Colbert hosted both Democratic Presidential frontrunners Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton while filming in Philadelphia last week. Why would both agree to be on this cable satirical news program? Because they want the Bump. Oh yeah…of course ladies like Mrs. Clinton ALWAYS long for the Bump from a $teve…but this is a different Bump, the Colbert Bump (patent pending). Colbert first coined the eponymous term on his show after John Hall won in a close election to become a representative from New York in 2006 after an appearance on the "Report." Hall defeated incumbent Sue Kelly, who had declined to make an appearance on the show. Colbert himself commented on this after the election: "And how did he beat Kelly? According to the American Prospect, quote, 'Her refusal to appear on cable's popular "The Colbert Report" may have also proved somewhat costly.'," Colbert reported, adding, "Somewhat? All what. She could've gotten the 'Colbert bump,' instead she got the 'Colbert dump.'" Now, they've apparently ran studies to see if "The Colbert Bump" is real…or just pompous fufa from another fast-talkin' $teve. Long story short, the results show some interesting trends supporting the Bump. However…as with all Bumps…there's not a scientific explanation to why they're so good. They just are…and must be felt. Anyway, the link has some data and blah blah blah if you're interested. I was…but I'm a nerd…who likes to Bump.

You're Welcome? - In Bentonville, Arkansas (Wal-Mart country), an inmate awaiting trial on a murder charge is suing the county, complaining he has lost more than 100 pounds because of the jailhouse menu. Broderick Lloyd Laswell says he isn't happy that he's down to 308 pounds after eight months in the Benton County jail. He has filed a federal lawsuit complaining the jail doesn't provide inmates with enough food. According to the suit, Laswell weighed 413 pounds when he was jailed in September. Police say he and a co-defendant fatally beat and stabbed a man, then set his home on fire. In his complaint, "On several occasions I have started to do some exercising and my vision went blurry and I felt like I was going to pass out. About an hour after each meal my stomach starts to hurt and growl. I feel hungry again." Dude, you killed somebody and set their house on fire. Then you get three square meals a day…instead of six…and you've lost a hundred pounds almost making you an above average sized man instead of "That's no moon" status. Oh...and that blurriness is called Life, I think. Now, I'm all for Prisoner's Rights…and innocent until proven guilty and all that…but shut the f**k up and enjoy the fact that you're being fed. You allegedly beat somebody to death…and set his house on fire…and you're made because you can't have extra gravy on your taters? It's really hard for me to give a damn…so I won't. Sorry. Hope your trial goes well and justice is served…cold.

Double Aces - Ted Kemp, a 12-handicap golfer from Muscatine, Iowa knocked in two hole-in-ones on back-to-back Par 3 holes at the Muscatine Municipal Golf Course. Kemp says the feat was more luck than skill, calling it "pretty unreal." He finished the day with score of 78…and one hell of a bar tab, I'm sure. A study by Golf Digest in 2000 said that the odds of getting two holes-in-one in the same round is 67 million to one. What does that mean? Basically, not much. If everybody tried, then a hundred people would do it with those odds. I love statistics. You can prove anything. ANY THING!!! "Babe, you're one in a million." "Oh, so there's 400 just like me in the continental U.S.?" "Yes. At least. That's exactly what I was saying." I'm such a charmer. That's why the ladies love me, I guess. Anyway, congratulations to Mr. Kemp. I never understood why the guy that hit the hole-in-one had to buy drinks for everybody though. "Screw that!!! I'm the one that did the astounding feat. You guys should pitch in to get me hammered for Cinco de Mayo or something."

Anyway, that's really about it for today. Lilie & I are just gonna hang out here at work, I guess. Tonight, probably more basketball…then going to be early to work early again. Good times. Really excited about Vegas though. Oh yeah, Bubbles talked with the HR manager I spoke with and explained the inside jokes in detail. She still thinks I'm "weird" but whatever. At least she knows ahead of time. I love America. We can sue anybody we want under any circumstances, we always find great ways to get other people drunk during sporting events, we're free to move about and make our own mistakes...then sue when it doesn't go our way, but the best thing about America...is that she always puts out when you really really need it. Have a great night everybody!!! I don't even have to ask. I know it was good for you too. It's the Magic...of the Bump.