Happy Birthday Hef!!!

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

A very special birthday wish to the father of modern day pornography and the ultimate Playboy, Mr. Hugh Marston Hefner, who turns 82 this day. What can I really say about this man? He's a Legend. A Pioneer. An Entrepreneur. An Artist. A Bazillionairre. He just seems like a cool cat. I don't believe that there's a man or woman out there who hasn't dreamed of going to a party at the Playboy Mansion...and maybe take a dip in the legendary grotto. Anybody? The man is walking charisma...and as you know, I admire that. He's also a brilliant mind, even well into his eighties...and I can only hope to be in the same ballpark as this guy in luck with the ladies. Honestly, I believe it's his mystical robe...and the magic held within. Perhaps I should walk around in a robe more. That may be the key...and I'll be damned if it's not absolutely comfortable. Anyway, enough about me. Happy Birthday Hef!!! May you live to be a thousand years old...and still be surrounded by blondes.

Spent the morning jogging and watching "Evening with Kevin Smith 2: Evening Harder" and it was as hilarious as the original. Nothing really more to say about it then that. Watch it. You'll laugh. You'll learn a few curse words maybe. You may even question your sanity…but you'll laugh…and that's what's important. Then I came to work. I'm starting to really dislike my job. It's not because of the people I work with or anything…but I'm just starting to dislike it more & more each day. I'm not sure what it is…well, I have an idea or two…but I really think that if the right opportunity presents itself, I'm pretty much gone. Also may have found the dates that I'm going to try to go to Vegas with my daddy…and it's about a month away. I just checked with him and obviously he's optimistic that he'll be up & mobile by that time. Other than that, I really don't have much else to say tonight…other than you guys rock for reading this gibberish. Now let's get some news in here real quick...

It Always Gets You in the End - When a police officer went to a home in Ridgefield, WA answering a complaint about a neighbor's cat. The man complaining reeked of marijuana. So they returned with a drug task force after getting a warrant and found 84 plants in a raid on the man's home. There a few lessons to be learned here. First, don’t call the cops over when you're supplying the Grunge scene. Second, don't call the cops about the neighbor's cat. Do your own dirty work. Third, choose your battles wisely. Fourth, it's a tale told time and time again…from "Scarface" to "Casino" to "Sopranos" to "Blow" to "Bugsy" and so on…if you're dealing with drugs, pussy will get you in the end.

Better Than Wild Dogs - Postal workers near the Owen Conservation Park in Wisconsin have reported being attacked by wild turkeys during their rounds. Up to 10 of the birds have been pecking at the postal workers and some have attacked the letter carriers with the sharp spurs on their legs. One of the birds went through the open door of a mail truck and scratched the driver. Why? They believe it's tied to their breeding season…and the turkeys may be attracted to the red, white, & blue uniforms or something. How have they responded? By arming the carriers with water pistols…but the turkeys have adapted…like some kind of tasty, gobbling Borg…and some are now arming themselves with sticks. They speculate that the birds may not be afraid of humans because people in the area feed them…but there's an easy solution…and it involves feeding them to the people…barbecue style. See PETA? If they had the technology, they'd eat you too. Checkmate.

New Sport: Hedgehog Hurling - There have been a lot of New Zealanders a.k.a. Kiwis in my news clips recently. This story involves a man who is being charged with assault with a weapon…namely, a hedgehog. He hurled the small mammal about 15 feet at a 15-year old boy. "It hit the victim in the leg, causing a large, red welt and several puncture marks." Police did not say why the alleged assault took place (punk ass teenager shenanigans, dollars to donuts) and were unsure if the hedgehog was alive before the incident…but they confirmed the hedgehog was dead afterwards and had been collected as evidence. That would make for an awkward court case. "Your Honor, I'd like you to direct your attention to Exhibit D." "What? The rotting hedgehog corpse? I thought I told you to get that thing out of my courtroom."

Expensive Pack of Smokes - The crown prince of the United Arab Emirates of Dubai (Sheikh Hamdan bin Mohammed bin Rashed al-Maktoum) has bought a female camel for a record $2.72 million in Abu Dhabi. This is all part of the festivities this week in Abu Dhabi which include a nine-day beauty pageant, camels races with purses totaling $9.5 million, over a hundred exotic cars being auctioned, and other events to celebrate & preserve the region's cultural heritage. Also interesting (at least to me), Abu Dhabi produced the world's first test-tube purebred camel and has begun using remote-controlled robot riders in its camel races in place of child jockeys (or little people). My goodness, how would it be to live off the riches of oil? I'm sure it's not as glamorous as it sounds…but you really can't have beef with the whole harem tradition.

Sexbot Update - A think-tank called the Machine Industry Memorial Foundation (Memorial to what now?) says that robots could fill the jobs of 3.5 million people in graying Japan by 2025 helping to avert worker shortages as the country's population shrinks (in size, not in stature, I assume). My first thought was "My God, I had no idea there were so many prostitutes in Japan" but then I realized what they were talking about…assisting humans in their everyday duties. Rather than each robot replacing one person, the foundation said in a report that robots could make time for people to focus on more important things. Japan could save 2.1 trillion yen ($21 billion) on elderly insurance payments in 2025 by using robots that monitor the health of older people, so they don't have to rely on human nursing care. Caregivers would save more than an hour a day if robots helped look after children, older people and did some housework. Robotic duties could include reading books out loud or helping bathe the elderly. Wait a minute, bathe the elderly? Is that a subtle way of saying they'll be "taken care of" Mafia style? By electrocution during bath time? Will they be reading the new Robot Manifesto to our children and eventually using them for batteries? I say we keep robots where they're needed…in the bedrooms of geeks like me with disposable income and a lot of imagination. Maybe to help cook & clean around the house too. Think I'm a little crazy? Remember that it was the writers of the Jetsons that named their robot maid Rosie. That was like…forty years ago.

Anyway, that'll do it for tonight. Have a great night everybody!!! Read a Playboy before you go to bed...you know, in honor of the birthday boy. I know which cover girl I'm interested in...

By the way, that's Amanda Beard...from yesterday's blog. HOTTTTT!!!