The Lives You Affect

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday, I spent the day with my brother and his family. You know, I wonder sometimes about when/if I go to Vegas, who's going to be affected here in Utah the most? My coworkers, they'll miss me but eventually get over it...and probably eventually stop emailing me (prove me wrong). My other friends, they'll miss me...but I don't see them that much anyway because they already live an hour or so away. My parents, they'll miss me a lot...but they'll call me every other night & visit every few months...because it's Vegas. However, the people that will be most affected...are my brother & sister-in-law. This became incredibly apparent yesterday as I was hanging out with them (well, my brother mostly). I showed up around noon & watched the kids for a bit. Here are some pictures...

My nephew Vinny's already tatted up

Sorry for the picture quality, but I just wanted

to show you how cool my niece is...

"High five!!!"

My niece is cute (and my hands are HUGE)

"Pound it!!! BOOM!!!"

"Now, hide from the other boys!!! That's my girl."

We watched "Wanted" with Angelina, James McAvoy (Mr. Tumnus), and Morgan Freeman. It's a great little shoot-em-up action flick by director Timur Bekmambetov who did the Russian Nightwatch, Daywatch, Baywatch vampire movies. It's about a league of assassins...and a Joe Nobody (McAvoy) who is recruited by them to save them from the assassin who killed his father...who left him when he was a week old. It should be a horrible movie, right? Well, it has great special effects and slow-motion, rewind, one-liner, faster-motion action sequences. It was a really exciting movie for the most part, funny (if you're a little twisted like me), but yeah, pretty bloody & extreme at times...so you've now been warned. I liked it a lot though. However, I think that one scene sums the movie up best (not Angelina's back shot on the commercials...though that's what peeked my interest) and it's the great Morgan Freeman, who's the head of this organization of assassins. Now, the man has played God, the President of the United States, a singing vampire on the Electric Company, and many other memorable roles...and to hear him say...in that wonderful narrator voice, "Shoot THIS mother (lover)!!!" just sends waves of guilty pleasure through my body (though not as much as Angelina). Check it out if you like R-rated shoot-em-up movies...and await the sequels.

Anyway, back to why my brother & sister-in-law are going to miss me...because I like to think this blog is about me...to a certain extent. About the time the movie was over, Ashley was coming home from work...and she was her usual hour or so late because she stopped by her old job to say hi to her friends. No big deal, right? This happens ALL the time. Hell, I've gotten used to it...but apparently my brother can't grasp this. So she comes home (by the way, she's one of the ladies that I've been talking to about menstruation the past few days) and he does the usual "Where you been?" and of course, she wasn't in a good mood anyway, so she cops an attitude & goes upstairs...so my brother rolls his eyes in my direction, which is man code for "See what I have to deal with?" My brother's not a gentle guy. At all. In fact, he's a jackass 99% of the time...if not more.

However, after a few minutes of talking at me in a loud tone of voice about his wife (not yelling...because he knows that I would leave instantly if he were yelling at me for no reason), I suggest that he go talk to her & see what's wrong...and if there's any way that you can help. So he gives me a weird look...and I say, "Just do it, bitch." He goes up there, I hear some soft baritone talking, then some soft soprano, then some more baritone, then louder soprano, then slightly louder baritone, then a second or two of silence (uh-oh), then some kind of screaming that I can hear through walls...then Vinny starts crying because he was awoken from his nap time...and then some jumbled noises upstairs...and then Kiel comes down with a crying baby. "So ugh...what's wrong?" "(Rolls eyes) She said nothing...and I said obviously something's wrong...then she flipped out...and now I have a crying baby in my arms. Thanks (brother)!!! Wait, correction...YOU have a crying baby in YOUR arms. I'm gonna make him some food." Ladies, we try. Even after all the advice that you've given me...and I've passed along to others, it doesn't help that when we try to show some concern, you flip out. I know it's not (necessarily) your fault...but at least we try. Long story short, I texted her shortly after (I wasn't going to bug her face-to-face) and cheered her up a little bit. She was worried about school, her family, her hormones, all that stuff. It happens.

Eventually she came down & hung with the kids (my mom even stopped by) and a good time was had by all. Then my mom left with the kids (staying at grandma's house so their mom could get a good night's sleep) so it was just me, my brother, & Ashley. Then the drama started again because my brother's a bit of an idiot & mentions...well, anything moments after a women handed her kids away for the night, is exhausted, and doing her lady thing. So now I'm in the house with an arguing couple again...not what I wanted to do with my afternoon. We decided the best thing to do was to go to my buddy Young Prodigy's house and let her talk with his pregnant girlfriend while he barbecued & hung out with him. It worked. Thank God.

Later that night, Ashley had gone to bed...and so Kiel & me went out back and talked about whatever...mostly me going to Vegas. He's deathly worried about being left alone with his wife apparently. He didn't say it in so many words...but he REALLY doesn't want me to go. "I'm only going to see you when we go down for our anniversary...and maybe when you're up for the holidays or something...but you're going to use those days off for trips to Europe & the Bahamas or something (he knows me well). Who am I going to talk to? All my friends are flakes." "Well...you're kind of an asshole too, dude. Maybe you should learn to talk with your wife. Most people make sure they can do that beforehand." "Still dude, you know I'm going to be calling you all the time." "And you know what I'm doing if I'm not answering, right?" "I hope so, man. If anybody I know deserves a good girlfriend, f**k buddy, wife, whatever, it's you. I hope you find one in Vegas...just stay away from those hoes, bro. I don't want you getting the clap or anything." "Well, that makes two of us."

That's really all I've got today, except I applied for that other new job in Vegas this morning. So yeah, he's gonna miss me...and Ashley's going to miss me (because she vents to me all the time too). The kids are going to miss me too (until they forget about me) but it just feels like Vegas is the next step for me. Don't know how to explain it. It's gonna be fun...but in the meantime, I'm just going to have to enjoy my time here in Utah...beginning with my $teve's Stayin' Here Rock Band Party tonight!!! Stop on by!!! If not, have a great night!!! Oh by the way, Rock Band 2 will be here later this year. Awesome, right?

Utah Pride Parade

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night after watching "Ax Men" for...sigh, about nine hours (I told you it was a marathon...and I was kind of half-ass listening / packing), JL Clyde came over and we ate some Yoshi's sushi again and watched the Sci-Fi Channel remake of "Dune" with William Hurt and...well, the only other person I knew was Ian McShane. Now, I haven't seen anything to do with Dune in about twenty years. I remember a bunch of random images like a giant shrimp, floating fat guy with black stuff coming out of him, the floating needle that strikes movement, Sting, glowing blue eyes, giant worms, Jean Luc Picard was in it, and even as a kid, I remember Spice being an allegory for Oil in the Middle East (I was a quick kid, what happened?). I didn't even know that David Lynch directed the original...but it does make a lot of sense. The best part was that Ian McShane plays the floating fat guy...and I can't help but think of him as the guy in "Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls" and I just can't see him in an evil light. Anyway, we made it about 2/3 of the way through it before we decided to call it a night because we had to get up early. Check it out if you like Dune. That's really all I have to say about that. Oh...and then I was getting calls while I was trying to go to sleep...so that didn't work out well.

This morning, I woke up with a pretty sore back...like a pulled muscle in my lower back. I'm pretty sure it happened when I was having a dream that I remember vaguely. Somebody that I cared about was in danger...and I was helping them...and it involved kicking a few asses...but eventually they surrounded me (probably ninjas, professional assassins, or some kind of bear zombie hybrid) and I just remember literally sitting up in bed throwing elbows and kicking. I may have even let out a "Hi-YAH!!!" So it may have just been a quick motion after laying for hours that did it. Anyway, now that you think I'm crazy (throwing punches in my sleep doesn't happen...which is why this was weird) let me continue with my morning.

I sent a birthday text to Alisa...because it's her birthday & she's AWESOME!!! Then I drove to meet up with JL Clyde & Randy Randy to see the Utah Pride Parade. For those of you who don't watch the news, this parade is not just about pride in the state of Utah (that's Pioneer Day on July 24th) but rather pride in being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender...and for me, support that pride to be whoever the hell you wanna be. Besides, they throw the most festive parties and are always a hoot. Here are some pictures from the parade...but I screwed up and didn't recharge my camera battery...so I have about half the parade...

Beautiful day

Gotta love corporate sponsorship...

If I'm in town, I'm going to the Roller Derby

Salt City Derby Girls - June 28th

Leave It to Cleavers vs. Sisters of No Mercy

QUAC - Queer Utah Aquatic Club

Utah for Obama

Still think it's a little creepy...

Great suggestion - "Drink beer, be gay!!!"

After the parade, we went to have some breakfast at JB's and I enjoyed a wonderful Florentine Omelet (bacon) with pancakes and a few glasses of water. I don't fare well in direct sunlight for too long...so I have to keep hydrated...or else it gets bad. We made friends with a few of the waitresses who were interested in the Pride Festival and had a great meal...then we headed to the festival. I'm really bummed that I don't have any pictures to show you...but it's everything that you would have expected and more. Picture thousands of flamboyant individuals, surrounded by their peers, in a beautiful park (Salt Lake City-County Building), with Bud Light as a corporate sponsor (booze all around), and great local musical acts.

It was a LOT of fun...and I saw some friends and former coworkers there too. We had a few drinks, parked under a tree, listened to Kid Medusa (the drummer/singer/keyboard went to high school with JL Clyde & she was awesome...like Animal with blonde dreadlocks) and just chatted & people watched. We even had some gyros & dolmathis for lunch. Good times. I recommend chillaxing at a Pride Festival if you get the chance. It's incredibly entertaining just to sit back & observe...like a fly on the wall...and still show your support.

After about four hours, I decided that it was time for me to go home & take a nap (sunlight draining me) and get some water...so after a six block hike to my car, I drove home...and am now watching "Taking Lives" with Angelina Jolie & Ethan Hawke. It's a pretty good movie so far. Not entirely sure about the story (because I showed up half-way through) but I'm pretty sure that Ethan Hawke's gonna end up being the killer...and it doesn't matter...because I get to look at Angelina's eyes & lips for another hours between commercials. Why can't Angelina run for President instead of Hillary? I wouldn't mind seeing that mug on my television for twelve hours a day taking about health care, the economy, and all the kinky things she does in the oval office (wait, that was Bill), but just...think about it. I know I will.

Anyway, I'm gonna go take a nap now...because I'm a little tired. Again, happy birthday to Alisa!!! Oh and Vegas, any time that you wanna call...feel free to. Have a great day everybody!!!

Birthday Eve

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

First off, a very happy birthday to Alfredo James Pacino today as he turns 68. He's one of greatest actors of all time...and the list of movies include "The Godfather" trilogy, "Scarface", "Scent of a Woman", "Dog Day Afternoon", "Serpico", "Heat", "Carlito's Way", "Insomnia", "Any Given Sunday", "Devil's Advocate", "Donnie Brasco", "Ocean's 13", even "Dick Tracy" as Big Boy. His newest "Righteous Kill" comes out soon, costarring Robert DeNiro & 50 Cent. Should be another classic. Anyway, have a great birthday buddy!!! I hope they don't make you work 18 hours today filming that Salvador Dali biopic.






Last night, I watched Guy Ritchie's latest movie (director of "Lock, Stock, & Two Smokin' Barrels", "Snatch", etc.) called "Revolver" starring Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, Andre Benjamin (Dre 3000 from Outkast) and others. It's about a former con man (Statham) who spent 7 years in jail for taking the fall...and is now looking to get paid. That's about all that I'm going to tell you at this point...because from there, it gets really awkward at times...but I would definitely recommend it, especially if you like Guy Ritchie (Mr. Madonna) movies.





Test Tube Meat - See what I miss when I'm too busy at work? Stories like these BEG me to make fun of them. The animal rights group PETA is putting up a million dollar reward for anyone who by 2012 can grow in-vitro meat that looks and tastes like the real thing. "In-vitro meat production would use animal stem cells that would be placed in a medium to grow and reproduce. The result would mimic flesh and could be cooked and eaten," PETA said in a statement. The million-dollar reward will go to the participant who manages by 2012 to put test-tube chicken into commercial production and successful sell it in at least 10 US states at a competitive price. The New York Times revealed Monday that the scheme almost triggered a civil war within the headquarters of the organization dedicated to fighting for animal rights but PETA argued the move would help avoid unnecessary suffering. "More than 40 billion chickens, fish, pigs, and cows are killed every year for food in the United States in horrific ways. In-vitro meat would spare animals from this suffering. In addition, in-vitro meat would dramatically reduce the devastating effects the meat industry has on the environment. Humans don't need to eat meat at all" since many people continued "to refuse to kick their meat addictions, PETA is willing to help them gain access to flesh that doesn't cause suffering and death."




Okay, so PETA's giving approval for stem cell research…as long as it's using animal stem cells. Aren't they some of the advocates for stopping stem cell research on humans? Actually, probably not…because humans aren't that important to them, right? Sorry, I'm not too familiar with PETA. Maybe somebody can shed some light for me. Too lazy to go to their website…and I don't want the government following me more than they already do. (Shhhhh, they're listening) Anyway, how do you make meat…without making the animal? Really? Is it going to be like the episode of South Park I saw the other day, where they grow ears (and other appendages) on the backs of rats…but instead of cartilage, it'll be a T-bone? I guess that's literally the million-dollar question. I like the idea of a PETA civil war over this though. "Now we're talking about growing test tube steaks? I thought we were trying to turn the world vegetarian." "No, don't you see? If they're in a test tube, they won't feel pain…and we'll be distracting scientists from finding cures for diseases…and instead finding an other other OTHER white meat." "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." "Oh yeah, well I've got a test tube steak for ya right here, granola boy!!!" Slap fight ensues. $teve laughs at the thought. Hahaha!!! Besides, I'm a big fan of stem cells, as you may know from my occasion updates in the world of science…such as they can now turn stem cells into heart cells. Yay scientists!!!




Penis Theft in the Congo - I couldn't make this sh*t up if I wanted to. Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft. Reports of so-called penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread, and where ritual killings to obtain blood or body parts still occur. Purported victims, 14 of whom were also detained by police, claimed that sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear, in what some residents said was an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure. Police arrested the accused sorcerers and their victims in an effort to avoid the sort of bloodshed seen in Ghana a decade ago, when 12 suspected penis snatchers were beaten to death by angry mobs. The 27 men have since been released.




Holy crap!!! So much disturbing information to take in those few sentences. Mother Afrika, I love ya…but you are one crazy place to live. Sure, here in America we tease little kids with "Oop, got your nose" and they enjoy it…but apparently it's universal that if you even pretend to take away a man's hood, they will lynch you. Even the police chief said, "I'm tempted to say it's one huge joke but when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it's become tiny or that they've become impotent. To that I tell them, 'How do you know if you haven't gone home and tried it?" The Power of Suggestion, ladies & gentlemen. It's an incredible thing. Or maybe there really are mystics in the Congo shrinking heads & shafts and turning silverback gorillas into vicious killing machines…or maybe that was just a movie. Regardless, I'm glad that the police stepped in to save them…for now. Now there are three things that scare me…nuclear war, carnies, and penis theft.




Going Undercover - A police officer was forced to resign on Wednesday for having sex with a prostitute at a building he had been sent to investigate to see if it was a brothel. The police sergeant, who was not named, had "engaged in sexual activity with a sex worker" while on duty in east London in December 2005, the Independent Police Complaints Commission (IPCC) said. He was supposed to be finding out if the premises were being used for prostitution. You know, I'm not an officer of the law…or a lawyer or anything…but I would say, "Mission Accomplished!!!" That's what I call good police work. Going undercover, into enemy territory, infiltrating the trust of the organization, learning all the ins & outs of the operation, obtaining leads into subsidiaries and other markets, gathering evidence to be used in a court of law, and catching the perpetrators red-handed…or I guess, lotion-handed or whatever they were into at the time. All while earning a measly worker's salary and even offering to investigate when he wasn't "on the clock" as they say. Going above and beyond the call of duty. I say good show, sir. I'm sorry that your fellow (jealous) officers don't feel the same way. Oh well, I'm sure they'd hire you on at the brothel as a bouncer or something. Maybe it's a change for the better.




She's a Fox - According to FHM Magazine's annual 100 Sexiest Women in the World poll, star of "Transformers" Megan Fox is the world's sexiest woman. Honestly, I really can't argue with that. She's…absolutely gorgeous…and has those sexy eyes, bangin' smile, rockin' tatas, and…yeah, I'll go with that. I mean…nine million votes can't be wrong, right? Rounding out the top ten on the list were Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Elisha Cuthbert, Scarlett Johannsen, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Hilary Duff (WHAT???), Tricia Helfer, Blake Lively, and Kate Beckinsale. Friends of the blog made the list as well, like Angelina at #12, Adriana Lima was #36, Amanda Beard at #71, and my buddies Lindsay Lohan made the list at #16 & Li'l Shaky at #55, but in the biggest publicist move of all time - Britney Spears at Number 100. Oh...and Milla Jovovich didn't make the list...instead Meg from Family Guy did (Mila Kunis). That's almost as bad as Hilary Duff getting Number 7. Oh well, it's not my list…but yeah, can't argue with Megan Fox on top though…in any situation. She kind of reminds me of somebody…hmm…

"This is a nice V6 engine you've got here."

"You should see my straight 8."

"Do you HAVE to go to work today?"

"F**k that, I just quit."

It's a good thing that she has an extensive library...

Because as mentioned before, I understand "King Lear"

Anyway, that'll do it for me for today…my Birthday Eve. I'm doing some laundry now…but I'm going to hang with my dad & stepmom for the day, have some dinner, then my mom & the rest of the family are coming down tomorrow…so if you don't hear from me, don't worry. I'll just be having fun…and celebrating the 27th anniversary of my birth. Oh yeah, this just in, guess how I'm going to celebrate my birthday. I'm going to Chuck E. Cheese with my nieces and nephew and my family. If any of you want to come along & are going to be in Sandy tomorrow night, let me know. We can get you some tokens or something. Wow, I'm officially three cubed years old now. Awesome. Have a great weekend everybody!!! Call me if you wanna hang out Saturday night!!! I'm sure that the old people and kids will be going home before dark.

Beowulf Rules

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Only a few more days until I'll be basking in the glow of sunny San Diego and California's southern coastline. I got a call from the Wingmans earlier today and they are getting super excited about the trip. They're also super excited about introducing me to this hot young thing that they met at a hospital (nurse?). Apparently, she's a lot of fun, really good-looking, and "a lot like me" hopefully sans penis. "She has a boyfriend right now...but he's a douchebag, so we gave her your number. She'll probably be calling you soon, so don't be surprised." "She has a boyfriend?" "Yeah, but he's a douche. She wanted to go to Denver to try to be the Next Top Model or whatever...and he was like, 'You're not going to win, so we're not going' and stuff." "Hmm, positive self-image, unsupportive boyfriend, likes tall guys, sounds like I'm in. Wait, she has a boyfriend. Isn't that kind of a big deal?" We'll see how it works out, I guess.

Last night, I got home from work and decided to watch "Beowulf" featuring the voice talents of Sir Anthony Hopkins, John Malkovich, Ray Winstone, Crispin Glover, and others including Angelina Jolie. Directed by Robert Zemeckis ("Back to the Future", "Forrest Gump", etc.) so I expected it to be good...but I really enjoyed it. I had never read the story it's based off (though apparently one of the oldest action stories ever) but using the incredible CGI motion-capture, it was a great movie and genuinely entertaining. Oh...and Grendel's mother is Angelina in 3-D glory. That's worth price of admission right there. The "300" esque action is just extra. Great story with great antagonist...and the action is superb...even if the eyes are a little shifty at times...but really an amazing feat in filmmaking. I think anyway. You be the judge...and I'll check out Grendel's mom a few more times.

Smilin' Bob Shenanigans - Steve Warshak is the founder and president of Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals which distributes Enzyte and a number of other products that allegedly (love that word) boost energy, manage weight, reduce memory loss, aid restful sleep, make you smile uncontrollably, stiffen the magic stick, and an assortment of other "male enhancement" features. However, Mr. Warshak faces more than twenty years in ass-packin' prison and his company could forfeit many millions of dollars because a federal court jury found the owner guilty of conspiracy to commit mail fraud, bank fraud, and money laundering. Prosecutors claimed customers were bilked out of $100 million through a series of deceptive ads, manipulated credit card transactions and the company's refusal to accept returns or cancel orders. They said unauthorized credit card charges generated thousands of complaints over unordered products. Former employees testified that the company created fictitious doctors (Dr. Mookie Love thinks that is deplorable) to endorse the pills, fabricated a customer-satisfaction survey and made up numbers to back claims about Enzyte's effectiveness. So apparently, selling placebos is a booming business…but don't get caught. The best part about the story though…is that Mr. Warshak's MOM and other family members were convicted of the same stuff (business & family don't mix).

Why I'm Not Going To Watch This Year Either - Okay, so the first season of "Dancing With The Stars", I watched a few episodes…but it was purely for the greatest reason possible. I was getting to know my girlfriends' parents while she was recovering from heart surgery…and she was thanking me afterwards orally. I honestly don't even remember who won…but I think it was the Seinfeld guy. This year, the list of participants is a who's who of reality should-be's. Kristi Yamaguchi should be interesting. I still have a little crush on her…then again I haven't seen her since Lillehammer. Shannon Elizabeth, that's worth the price of admission right there…because it's free…and it's about time because I want my money back from "Thirteen Ghosts" damnit. Steve Guttenberg…is apparently still alive…and he gets my dark horse vote. Mrs. Andre Agassi a.k.a. Monica Seles will make it to the first show. Star of the NFL's worst team, Jason Taylor will make a brief appearance. Magician Penn Jillette's only chance is if he makes his partner's clothes disappear…and by partner, I mean the dancing partner, not that little mute guy Teller. How the hell is Marlee Matlin going to keep the beat? That should be interesting. I don't even know who Christian De La Fuente and Marissa Janet Winokur are. I don't think it's really fair to have R&B stars like Mario in the competition…because they have training. I think he should be replaced by Ron Jeremy…because he looks like Super Mario. My pick for the winner - Priscilla Presley…and not just because she's the bride of Elvis…but because she's still hot & I think she'll surprise a lot of people. Anybody taking bets? Didn't think so. Let me know how it goes. The show starts March 17th.

How To Steal a Bridge - Police in the western Czechoslovakian border town of Cheb have launched an investigation into the theft of a four-ton railway bridge. Police spokesperson Martina Hruskova said in a lovely accent, "We are not sure if it was taken for personal use or for its scrap value. It is the first time we have dealt with this type of theft." Personal Use? Really? Like somebody needed a stretch of railroad track to finish up their California King-sized train set. Maybe something to compliment the landscaping in the backyard. A conversation piece strategically placed outside the breakfast nook. "Oh my, you've changed this living room somehow. Did you rearrange the furniture?" "Why yes. Then again, I had to because of the new metro stop conveniently located next to the armoire." "That's what's different. Did you stumble upon that at a yard sale?" "Oh-ho-ho no, it happened to have fallen from a truck whilst I was driving neh its rear." "Smashing." Anyway, best of luck to them in finding the railroad section. The logistics involved suggests KGB…but they don't exist…and never have. Period. Stop asking questions about us.

I Predicted Wrong (Gasp) - Alas, it appears that a bold predication that I made many months ago will not come to pass…for 7'5" center Yao Ming of the NBA's Houston Rockets has suffered a stress fracture in his foot…and will be unable to play for the remainder of the year. Thus nullifying any slim chance that he had…of becoming this year's Most Valuable Player. Though voted a starter to the All-Star Game last weekend and having an amazing year where he was averaging 22 points and 10 rebounds per game, while still holding the title of NBA's tallest player, and currently riding a 12-game winning streak, he suffered the injury…and had an emotional press conference. It really is a shame…and I hope that he makes a full recovery…and fulfills my prediction for next year - YAO MING WILL BE THE 2009 MVP!!! Why you ask, when my favorite team the Spurs play their home games inches on the map away in San Antonio? Because I have no doubt…that Yao Ming will come back stronger, faster, and more resilient than before. We have the technology. He's a 7'5" Chinese man. Tell me that technology wasn't involved in that. Anyway, hopefully he'll be ready to play by the time the Olympics come around. He's basically the symbol of Chinese athleticism...and an international icon. Get well soon, big guy!!!

Runaway Lawnmower Kills Monk - If there was 'naked' or 'hooker' in there somewhere, it would essentially be a perfect headline…but alas it is true. Reverend Seiji Handa was cutting the grass around his peace pagoda in the English city of Milton Keynes when the accident occurred last August. He got out of the tractor to inspect something but the vehicle, which was pulling a multi-bladed grass cutting machine, slipped its handbrake…and mulched him. Truly a tragedy…and I feel really bad for laughing about it…yet I can't seem to stop. I have a friend from high school who had a similar tragedy…but it was basically his older brother (kind of an idiot) running over his leg with a lawnmower while he was napping in the front yard. That's how he tells it…but that sounds…suspicious to say the least. So anyway, he has a prosthetic leg…and his brother still gets to be an idiot. Be careful with lawnmowers, ladies & gentlemen. Don't let your kids operate them either. They don't have the coordination or brainpower to fully grasp the concept. It's true. Don't believe me? Ask a friend of yours who knows them. "I wouldn't trust that boy with a ketchup popsicle, less a piece of heavy machinery." Anyway, I digress. Be safe out there with your lawn maintenance.

Viking Women Dressed Provocatively - Inspired by Beowulf, analysis of the remnants of from a woman's wardrobe discovered in a 10th century Russian grave shows that Viking women had a bit more flare in their garments before the introduction of Christianity. Imported colored-silk gowns adorned with metallic breast coverings and long trains may soon be found…throwing doubt upon the previously thought-to-be prudish nature of Viking wear (coupled with the sub-zero temperatures). Textile researcher Annika Larsson said, "When Christianity came, the dress was more like that of nuns. There was a big difference." Larsson discovered a blue silk dress and associated ornaments in a grave in the Russian region of Pskov and said it was positioned in a way suggesting it would be worn in the afterlife. The new finding reveals instead that a Viking woman's dress consisted of a single piece of fabric with an opening in the front. A pair of brooches, or clasps, was situated on top of the breasts to accentuate the wearer's figure. Now, after all that scientific mumbo jumbo, I'm sure that you've all been thinking what I've been thinking…about large Viking women in sexy attire…so without further ado, here they go. Have a great day everybody!!! Call now for natural male enhancement...

"KILL THE WAAAABIT!!! KILL THE WAAABIT!!!"