Sabrina, Don't Just Stare At It. Eat It.

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night, I watched the latest episode of the Venture Brothers (love that show) then went to bed. I had a lot of errands that I needed to run...but really wanted to sleep in...because I needed some rest to get over this bug that I've had the past few days called heat exhaustion. However, if I slept in, that would mean that I'd have to do all of this running around in the heat. So I woke up around 7 AM and by the time I finished polishing my car & running around to get her registered & grocery shopping it was 10:30...and I sat down at my house...and basically passed out. Fifteen minutes later, Brooklyn texted me...but I was already feeling better with my Power Nap. I used to do those ALL the time when I was going to school & had an hour in between class & work...but it had been a while since I really needed one like that. It's also a good thing Brooklyn texted me...because who knows how long I would have slept? Anyway, now I'm at work...and have more stuff to do tomorrow...but I may just have to sleep in & postpone those plans another 24 hours. I needs me some sleep.

Just got into work...and found out why there have been some problems with the new job application. Apparently, I'm no longer certified to be a manager (though I've pretty much been one for the last five years) so I have to do another mass interview (3-4 other managers asking me questions) some time soon. Loads of fun...and it's really odd because I've applied for a lot of internal jobs where I work...and it was never brought up. Explains a lot. Anyway, enough of my bitchin', that's not what you came for. Here's some news.

Slick City Siblings - Sadie and Pyper Vance (brother's name is Bagger) have had just about enough of high gas prices. The sisters are still years away from being old enough to drive, but that doesn't mean the $4 per gallon price tag isn't hitting them as hard as anyone else. Why are they protesting? Their parents had to cut Cable TV to compensate for the cost of gas. The girls marched through downtown Monday chanting and carrying signs made from old campaign signs. "All of my mom's monny goes to the gas tank!" Pyper's sign read. Sadie carried a sign asking drivers to honk to lower gas prices — adding that her mom had to cut "cabel." You know…these kids really aren't aiding their cause. Sure, everybody already knows that gas prices are higher than usual…but they're really just speaking out on illiteracy when misspelling words like "Monny" and "Cabel" on city streets. Maybe it's a good thing that they don't have cable…so they can focus on their studies. "But $teve, it's summer vacation. What else are we supposed to do?" Read a book. Learn an instrument. Play (sigh) soccer. Mow the lawn. Do the dishes. Recycle. Chalk the sidewalk. Plant a garden. Get a job. Go cut me a switch. The possibilities are endless. I admire your spirit, Sadie & Pyper (Seriously? With a Y?) but perhaps you should focus your efforts elsewhere…like finding a solution to this whole gas dependency thing. We could use a fresh new perspective on the subject.

How Golf Should Be - Sure, I have my views about Golf…and have expressed them before. I want there to be a lot of stuff that makes it more exciting both for the fan & the player…but there are a lot of conservatives out there that don't share my view…and I respect that. Sure, high grass with booby traps & shoe-hungry wildlife may not be good for the safety of your shoes. Sand traps with quicksand may lead to lengthy delays as they try to free the golfer from a slow, painful death. Additional water hazards like sprinklers, class three rapids, shaky rope bridges, and alligators may not be necessary. Even your opponent being allowed to count to ten-Mississippi while you're teeing off…before he/she is allowed to tackle you…may seem a little extreme. However, I didn't even consider strippers until this story came out. At the Gold Crown Junior Golf Association tournament Monday, youngsters aged 7 to 12 were just finishing up their rounds when scantily clad women spilled out of a limousine. The women were part of Shotgun Willie's Charity Golf Tournament to benefit breast cancer (the sexy killer). The strippers were to serve as caddies to patrons of the strip club. A club manager said there were 144 golfers and 70 caddies. A woman told KUSA-TV the event drew curious questions from her children, who asked her why the men joining the strippers had water guns and why the women wore only their underwear. Course manager Evelyn Koch says the women were forbidden from going topless and that they were just flirting with the men. "I cannot tell you the girls didn't flash out there but it wasn't a free-for-all." That's what golf needs…partial nudity while raising money for a noble cause. My hat's off to Shotgun Willie's and their groundbreaking tournament. Because it doesn't matter what you shoot, everybody's a winner.

Twin Peaks - An American hiker stranded in the Bavarian Alps for nearly three days was rescued after using her sports bra as a signal. Berchtesgaden police officer Lorenz Rasp said that he helped lift 24-year-old Jessica Bruinsma of Colorado state to safety by helicopter on Thursday after she attracted the attention of lumberjacks by attaching her sports bra to a cable used to move timber down the mountain. "She's a very smart girl, and she acted very resourcefully," said Rasp. "She kept her shirt and jacket for warmth, but thought the sports bra could work as a signal." An Alpine rescue team, including five helicopters and 80 emergency workers, had been searching for Bruinsma since she went missing June 16 after losing her way in bad weather while hiking with a friend near the Austrian border. She fell about sixteen feet to a rocky overhang, where she spent the next 70 hours on the narrow ledge, sustained by water that she found by breaking into a supply box on the ledge. She badly bruised a leg and dislocated a shoulder in the fall, and the cliff was too isolated for her to climb free. "She did so well because she is in very good shape," Rasp said. "She has been training for a marathon (in the Alps?). Her goal is to finish in 3 hours and 10 minutes." Bruinsma told Rasp that she has scrapped plans to stay in Berchtesgaden to learn German and plans to return home to Colorado Springs with her parents. He said she still plans to run the marathon, if she recovers in time to keep training. Wow. Best of luck to you. Just goes to show ladies, taking off your bra may save your life one day. I'm pretty sure that was the moral of the story.

Did you say your name was Buck? - A New Mexico appeals court ruled against a man trying to legally change his name to "F**k Censorship" on Friday. Judge Nan Nash ruled that the proposed name change was "obscene, offensive and would not comport with common decency." Here's a little background on the applicant though. In 2004, there was a similar situation in which the court had to clarify the law when concerning name changes. In that case, it was decided that the man had the right to call himself whatever he wants, unless there's fraud or misrepresentation involved but once he seeks court approval for a name change, the court has the authority to turn him down on several grounds, including if the name is offensive to common decency and good taste. The funny thing is…that it was the same guy who then changed his name from Snaphappy Fishsuit Mokiligon…to simply Variable. Now he was trying to change it from Variable to F**k Censorship. Suddenly Frank Zappa seems like father of the year. I mean…I'm not 100% sure if Snaphappy Fishsuit Mokiligon was the name that his parents gave him…but if so, they need their breeding license taken away.

Ninja Makes the News - Public schools in Barnegat, New Jersey were locked down briefly after someone reported seeing a Ninja running through the woods behind an elementary school. It turns out the ninja was actually a camp counselor dressed in black karate garb and carrying a plastic sword. Police tell the Asbury Park Press the man was late to a costume-themed day at a nearby middle school. I mean…obviously it was a false alarm…because a real ninja wouldn't have been seen…until it was TOO LATE…then vanished without a trace. I truly wish there were more ninjas in the news…but then they wouldn't be ninjas. Real reason for mentioning this…was just so that I could put up a picture of a ninja.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Please have a wonderful day & enjoy the wonderful weather outside...but drink plenty of water...or else. Just kiddin'...but not really, be safe out there having fun!!!

$teve Bumps Hard

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Lots of great basketball action going on last night as the Lakers swept the Nuggets, Magic won their series against the Raptors (basketball players, not dinosaurs, or birds of prey), and the Hawks tied up their series with the Celtics. More great basketball going on tonight if anybody is interested…but you're probably not…otherwise you'd be checking out NBA.com about Larry Brown becoming the next coach of the Charlotte Bobcats instead of reading this…so I'll move on. Last night, Brooklyn, the Mad Scientist, & I were going to have an impromptu Movie Night…but that fell out…so we're probably going to reschedule for later in the week. It's been a while since we had one. Other than that, I went for a few jogs and a walk around sunset, talked to Bubbles about her adventures with a six-year old (learning different sounds of "U"), and watched basketball. No new embarrassing interview stories to share or anything like that…yet. The day is young though.

Colbert Bump Theory - Fellow $teve, adamant blog reader, & host of "The Colbert Report" Stephen Colbert hosted both Democratic Presidential frontrunners Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton while filming in Philadelphia last week. Why would both agree to be on this cable satirical news program? Because they want the Bump. Oh yeah…of course ladies like Mrs. Clinton ALWAYS long for the Bump from a $teve…but this is a different Bump, the Colbert Bump (patent pending). Colbert first coined the eponymous term on his show after John Hall won in a close election to become a representative from New York in 2006 after an appearance on the "Report." Hall defeated incumbent Sue Kelly, who had declined to make an appearance on the show. Colbert himself commented on this after the election: "And how did he beat Kelly? According to the American Prospect, quote, 'Her refusal to appear on cable's popular "The Colbert Report" may have also proved somewhat costly.'," Colbert reported, adding, "Somewhat? All what. She could've gotten the 'Colbert bump,' instead she got the 'Colbert dump.'" Now, they've apparently ran studies to see if "The Colbert Bump" is real…or just pompous fufa from another fast-talkin' $teve. Long story short, the results show some interesting trends supporting the Bump. However…as with all Bumps…there's not a scientific explanation to why they're so good. They just are…and must be felt. Anyway, the link has some data and blah blah blah if you're interested. I was…but I'm a nerd…who likes to Bump.

You're Welcome? - In Bentonville, Arkansas (Wal-Mart country), an inmate awaiting trial on a murder charge is suing the county, complaining he has lost more than 100 pounds because of the jailhouse menu. Broderick Lloyd Laswell says he isn't happy that he's down to 308 pounds after eight months in the Benton County jail. He has filed a federal lawsuit complaining the jail doesn't provide inmates with enough food. According to the suit, Laswell weighed 413 pounds when he was jailed in September. Police say he and a co-defendant fatally beat and stabbed a man, then set his home on fire. In his complaint, "On several occasions I have started to do some exercising and my vision went blurry and I felt like I was going to pass out. About an hour after each meal my stomach starts to hurt and growl. I feel hungry again." Dude, you killed somebody and set their house on fire. Then you get three square meals a day…instead of six…and you've lost a hundred pounds almost making you an above average sized man instead of "That's no moon" status. Oh...and that blurriness is called Life, I think. Now, I'm all for Prisoner's Rights…and innocent until proven guilty and all that…but shut the f**k up and enjoy the fact that you're being fed. You allegedly beat somebody to death…and set his house on fire…and you're made because you can't have extra gravy on your taters? It's really hard for me to give a damn…so I won't. Sorry. Hope your trial goes well and justice is served…cold.

Double Aces - Ted Kemp, a 12-handicap golfer from Muscatine, Iowa knocked in two hole-in-ones on back-to-back Par 3 holes at the Muscatine Municipal Golf Course. Kemp says the feat was more luck than skill, calling it "pretty unreal." He finished the day with score of 78…and one hell of a bar tab, I'm sure. A study by Golf Digest in 2000 said that the odds of getting two holes-in-one in the same round is 67 million to one. What does that mean? Basically, not much. If everybody tried, then a hundred people would do it with those odds. I love statistics. You can prove anything. ANY THING!!! "Babe, you're one in a million." "Oh, so there's 400 just like me in the continental U.S.?" "Yes. At least. That's exactly what I was saying." I'm such a charmer. That's why the ladies love me, I guess. Anyway, congratulations to Mr. Kemp. I never understood why the guy that hit the hole-in-one had to buy drinks for everybody though. "Screw that!!! I'm the one that did the astounding feat. You guys should pitch in to get me hammered for Cinco de Mayo or something."

Anyway, that's really about it for today. Lilie & I are just gonna hang out here at work, I guess. Tonight, probably more basketball…then going to be early to work early again. Good times. Really excited about Vegas though. Oh yeah, Bubbles talked with the HR manager I spoke with and explained the inside jokes in detail. She still thinks I'm "weird" but whatever. At least she knows ahead of time. I love America. We can sue anybody we want under any circumstances, we always find great ways to get other people drunk during sporting events, we're free to move about and make our own mistakes...then sue when it doesn't go our way, but the best thing about America...is that she always puts out when you really really need it. Have a great night everybody!!! I don't even have to ask. I know it was good for you too. It's the Magic...of the Bump.

Happy Birthday Dr. MLK

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

First & foremost, I'd like to wish a Happy Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day to everybody out there...and remind everybody to keep the Dream alive. Treat others as you would like to be treated and equality for all. All those government employees out there, enjoy your day off too. Enjoy it for both of us. I'll just be here...living the Dream.

I watched me some football yesterday…and I liked what I saw. Super Bowl XL2 will be held in Phoenix (Glendale) in two weeks and will put the undefeated New England Patriots (who play in a Boston suburb) against the Giants of New York (but they play in New Jersey. Ssssh, don't tell anybody). Here's a brief summary of what I saw yesterday. Both games were really good…and really really cold. The first game was a balmy 5 degrees with wind chill and the Patriots beat the San Diego Superchargers. My favorite thing about the San Diego team…is not only that they are a talented squad, possibly the 2nd best in the league behind the Patriots…but if you look at their team roster, they have some amazing names. Brandon Manumaleuna, Scott Mruczkowski, Legedu Naanee, Jacques Cesaire, Igor Olshansky, Ladainian Tomlinson, and the great rookie for the U of U, Eric Weddle. Nothing odd about his name…just his game. This list doesn’t include the odd first names, like Philip with one L, Jyles, Shaun, Shawne, Shane, Ryon, Cletis, and Tyronne. Last year, I remember they had an Offensive Guard (with the Dolphins now) named Cory Lekkerkerker…and thought it was the coolest name ever. His last name is the sound a basketball rim makes when you throw down a monstrous slam dunk. Maybe he's playing the wrong sport…but then again, maybe not. Great talent though…even if you can't pronounce it right the first time. Anyway, they should be good for a long time.

As for the Giants, they rival the Dallas Cowboys & Washington Racists as one of my least favorite teams being in the same division as the Eagles…but it's an intriguing matchup with the Patriots…which actually happened three weeks ago on the last week of the regular season (remember my Aunt Missy's birthday party?). It was a good game. If they pull out a win, Michael Strahan can retire on top…and a Manning quarterback will win back-to-back Super Bowls. Just not Peyton this year. Unfortunately, I think they're pretty much screwed because their opponent is really, really good. Like historically good…but that's how all the "Hoosiers", "Remember the Titans", and all those other underdog stories start…so you never know.

New England, everybody says they're a perfect team…and they're really about as good as you can get with the salary cap and all that stuff set in place to keep teams on an even keel with one another. During the game tonight, I watched and saw one of my favorite players of all time have a decent game, 16-year veteran linebacker Junior Seau. He spent the first 13 years of his career playing with the Chargers…making it to one Super Bowl in 1994 (and lost) and was selected to the Pro Bowl every year but one, being one of the best ever. Then he went to Miami for two years…and they sucked. Then he officially retired from the NFL saying that he was too old and couldn't play the game to a level he thought he needed to. Within a week, he signed with the New England Patriots…and they haven't lost a game since. I really hope that he finally wins that championship ring though. He seems like a good guy. Since Brett can't go out on top now. I'd rather Junior get it than Michael Strahan of the Giants. Though he seems like a nice guy too. Why can't all nice guys have a Super Bowl ring? That'd be sweet. Quite a conversation piece too. "Oh my golly jeepers, you have a Super Bowl ring? I had no idea that you played pro football." "Yeah, Madden 2008 maybe. No, Tom Brady gave me one when I helped him change a tire on the side of the freeway while he banged Gisele in the backseat. That's how I got this scar on my hand when the jack fell. I warned him to be gentle…but he gave me the ring, so it's all good." "Are those rubies?" "Diamonds actually. My hand was still bleeding pretty bad when I tried it on the first time. Wasn't thinking clearly. I'll get it cleaned out some day."

Will Brett Favre force himself to retire now? True, he had just one of his best years when there are a few coaches in the league younger than him. True, he could probably play like a Pro Bowl quarterback until that last big hit on the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field shatters his torso…and he'll still play until the end of the drive, at least. However, is he going to have the same kind of shot at a Super Bowl next year? Probably not. Does he have any more passing records to break? None that I can think of. Why does he still play? Because he wants to. So if he still wants to play, I'm not gonna be the one to tell him no. I think the man is a Living Legend. Why? He was born and bred in Kiel, Mississippi. Went to college at Southern Miss. Remember that chapter in "To Kill A Mockingbird" when the kids see snow for the first time…and they make the snowman out of mud…and put like a quarter inch of slush over it? Okay, that's what the man knew of snow…and cold. He was drafted by the Atlanta Falcons…but didn’t cut it as a backup there…so they traded him to Green Bay, Wisconsin. Over the next 16 years or so, he played EVERY SINGLE GAME playing on shimmering icy BLADES of grass where a gang of 300-pound men try to throw him to the ground some 50-60 times per game in temperatures that reach up to 30 degrees BELOW zero. Oh…and throw an oblong pigskin ball with pinpoint accuracy to men running at full stride in precise patterns in front of 100,000 screaming fans and millions watching across the globe. There's truly ice water in this man's veins…that lead down to his frozen blue brass balls. Yeah, I'm not gonna be the one to fire him because I think he might get hurt. He's too nice of a guy to kick my ass for suggesting it…but I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he did. Hell, it would be an honor to get my ass kicked by Brett Favre. Anyway, I've talked about football too much already…and I know that probably bores most of you…so I'll move on to something else. Don't worry though, you probably won't have to hear about football for another two weeks until the Super Bowl gets here.

I literally had to dig my car out of the parking lot today to get to work. My shovel had mysteriously disappeared, so I used my ice scraper to excavate my Buick. At least the snow was still light & fluffy...because apparently it has been coming down pretty steadily since about 3 AM. I also got a call from my mom to check up on me (ask about the date tonight) and I also got a call from Mr. & Mrs. Wingman about our night of activity tomorrow. Apparently we're going to eat a lot of crab & watch movies. Awesome. They're going to get family pictures down today. That should be a fun hassle. Anyway, I'm at work now...so I'll get to the news.

R.U. Schittenmee? - Ten days after a Golf Channel anchor was suspended for her use of "lynch" in commentary on Tiger Woods, an editor was fired Friday for illustrating the controversy with a noose on the cover of Golfweek magazine. First off, the anchor was trying to be funny or something…and because she was an anchor for the Golf Channel, she had no idea what the hell she was doing. It happens. She immediately apologized…and Tiger Woods forgave her…so I'm cool with that. Now, for the editor of a major publication to do something like THIS. Here's the process of what more than likely happened. There's a staff meeting to plan next week's issue shortly after the comment is made and quickly resolved. "So what's-her-bucket said that stupid 'lynch' thing, is there a way that we can use that to increase sales?" "I don't know if we really want to do that. It's a simple mistake…and we don't want to further the stereotype that golf is a Caucasian sport." "Seriously, I mean…what the hell would we do for something like that anyway? Put a hanging noose on the cover? That's ridiculous. We could just have an interview with the anchor or something…or maybe we can get Mr. Woods to..." "Wo wo wo, what was that about a noose? Is that what lynching is? See, I didn't even know that. I was a little confused about what the whole controversy was about. I just thought it was some street slang like jumping a guy in the parking lot or something." "You didn't know that? Did you grow up in the suburbs or something?" "That's our angle. We could make it an educational piece about the history of our nation and…" "Stop right there. Are you guys serious? You want to put a hanging noose on the cover of a magazine? Remember a few years back when Charles Barkley was on the cover of Sports Illustrated in shackles and chains…and how much controversy that started? This is going to be about ten times worse than that."

Fast forward a few days…and it reaches the editor. "What the f**k is this? You see the small type under the title where it says 'Preferred by Serious Golfers' and yet we have an article calling some Jason Day kid, the latest wonder from Down Under. That's cliché…but I'll let it slide." "There's…nothing else you see a little odd about the cover?" "Well, I don't like that rope thing covering the title…but you can't really change that now. Print it!!!" I have no idea how something like this happens in this day & age…but it did. The guy was fired for incompetence. It's quite ridiculous. I mean…really. That was the best these guys could come up with? Is that how boring golf is? That we have to resort to racism to sell copies? I'm telling ya, my idea of Extreme Golf is sounding better every day. I'm sure it'd help Brett Favre to retire a little sooner if he knew that he could still be competitive in a semi-violent sport played on Sundays. He'd get to travel all over the world too. That's the only reason I could consider being a golfer. That and the phat paychecks that they get. Is there some kind of rule against heckling the other golfer…or just some kind of common courtesy thing? I may have to look into that.

Send In the Clowns - There's still hope for clowns…which apparently all developed countries are not amused by. Turkmenistani President Gurbanguli Berdymukhamedov (Seriously?) reversed his predecessor's ban on operas and circuses, saying that with increasing development in the Central Asian nation, it deserved to have such artistic performances. The ban was imposed in 2001 by then-President Saparmurat Niyazov (still hard to pronounce), who criticized opera and ballet, among other things, as being foreign to Turkmen culture, and allowed funding for state-sponsored circuses to dry up. In more than two decades as the country's leader, Niyazov, who called himself Turkmenbashi, of Father of All Turkmen, crushed dissent and instituted a range of often quixotic rules and laws as well as creating a vast personality cult. Since Niyazov's death in 2006, Berdymukhamedov has softened some of Niyazov's most draconian policies. He also has moved to court foreign energy companies and outside investors to tap the poor, desert nation's natural gas reserves, which are some of the largest in the former Soviet Union. So now performances like Cirque de Soleil, Don Giovanni, and Bohemian Rhapsody can return to Turkmenistan. This is major news. Perhaps now, some people may be able to point this country out on a map of the globe. Just so you know, it's the country directly north of Iran…so stay tuned to your local news to see if it's mentioned more, wink wink.

Which One's the Bitch? - Grace Saenz-Lopez, mayor of the city of Alice, TX has been indicted on two felony counts of tampering with physical evidence. She faces losing her public office and serious jail time for these charges. What did she do? She stole a Shih Tzu that she was dogsitting for some friends…and then covering it up. Saenz-Lopez had agreed to take care of Puddles while Rudy Gutierrez and Shelly Cavazos were on vacation over the summer. A day after they left, she called to say the dog was dead, but three months later a relative of Cavazos saw Puddles (renamed Panchito) at a dog groomer. Puddles' family sued and filed a criminal complaint, but the case took a new turn Monday when the mayor filed a police report saying the dog was missing. A television crew found the dog 10 miles from Alice in Ben Bolt, at the home of Saenz-Lopez's twin, Graciela Garcia. Garcia said a "mysterious lady" had found the dog and dropped it off. So now, her twin sister may go to jail too. You just can't trust politicians, I guess. Even with your pet. Best part: Her attorney said "She loves that little dog. She told me that if she were a single woman, she would not care if she went to jail for the rest of her life before she would give the dog back." Well, she may not have a choice. (Bad Pun Warning) See the Shih Tzu get into when you trust your pets with the wrong people? Okay, now the 4th installment of the TV movies list…

TV Drama Movies

Medal Winners

Gold - The Untouchables (1987) - I think this was mentioned in my Kevin Costner list a few months back…but a great flick by Brian DePalma ("Scarface" & "Carlito's Way") based on the incredible TV series that ran from 1959-63 starring the one & only Robert Stack ("Unsolved Mysteries") as Eliot Ness, the role played by Mr. Costner. With Sean Connery & Andy Garcia among his supporting cast…they were set to go to war against Al Capone (Robert DeNiro). They're actually in talks to make a prequel, also directed by Brian DePalma…and starring Gerard Butler ("300") in Sean Connery's role of Sam Malone. Can't wait for that one to come out too. Rumor has it that Nicolas Cage was interested in playing Al Capone…but I think that rumor was stopped…so I'm going to restart it.

Silver - The Fugitive (1993) - Starring Harrison Ford & Tommy Lee Jones, this movie based on the TV series that ran from 1963-67 is about a doctor who's wrongly accused of murdering his wife…and must avoid U.S. Marshalls (title of sequel in 1998) in order to find the real killer, the one-armed man. Great intense chase movie with lots of cool twists and turns…and you really can't hate a movie that stars Han Solo and TLJ. "I DIDN'T KILL MY WIFE!" "I DON'T CARE!" Jump off the dam. Classic. The sequel was okay with TLJ, Wesley Snipes, and Robert Downey jr. but nothing like the original.

Bronze - Mission: Impossible (1996) - Based on the TV series that ran from 1966-73 starring Peter Graves, this movie was about an elite covert operations task force that got their missions via dissolving/exploding films, tape recordings, notarized letters, phone calls, picture booths, whatever necessary to get the job done. I REALLY liked the first movie (also by Brian DePalma oddly enough) even though it had Tom Cruise…but also starred Jean Reno, Jon Voight (Can you believe that man's seed produced Angelina?), Ving Rhames, and others. The first movie was real to the material…where Ethan Hunt (Cruise) was a vulnerable human being doing a tough job against impossible odds…and using his mind to get the job done. The second movie (directed by John Woo) turned him into an unrealistic superhero type impervious to bullets, explosions, and what-have-you…and there was entirely too much slow motion and doves flying out of orifices for my liking. I honestly haven't even seen the third one because of number two…and now that I know it's from the guy that directed "Cloverfield" (J.J. Abrams) I may just pass on it, unless one of you think that I should check it out.

Suggestion - The Saint (1997) - From 1962-69, Simon Templar was played by Roger Moore on the small screen so when they decided to bring it to the big screen, they decided to go with Batman instead of James Bond…and by that, I mean Val Kilmer. Through in the world's hottest babysitter Elisabeth Shue ("Adventures in Babysitting") and a strong performance by Rade Serbedzija as the villain…with a twisting plot, hot steamy scenes, lots of disguises, and set it in Mother Russia…then you have a great movie in my personal opinion. I seem to remember mentioning something a few months ago about another Saint movie in the works starring James Purefoy…but I can no longer confirm anything about that. Let's keep our fingers crossed though…and in the meantime, go rent this movie. You'll enjoy it.

Flush It - Miami Vice (2006) - Okay, this was allegedly based on the TV series that ran from 1984-89 starring Don Johnson, Philip Michael Thomas, and Edward James Olmos…but that show was a little campy and focused on being smooth in that 80's way with one-liners and pastel suits. The police work was almost secondary really. If you go in expecting that, you're going to be sorely disappointed. This is a Michael Mann directed film…and he doesn't do comedy…he does raw, gritty, real films with deep character development…and when you throw in Colin Farrell pairing with Jamie Foxx as the new Crockett & Tubbs, you're going to get a real cop drama. This is like a mix of "Bad Boys" and "Heat" without the jokes. Don't get me wrong, I liked the movie for what it was…but the title of "Miami Vice" and the character names of Crockett & Tubbs were the only thing to do with the original material. That's why it gets my flush it. That…and I didn't want to talk about M:I-2 again.

Future Watch - A-Team (2008?) - Director John Singleton ("Boyz in the Hood") is bringing the original badass mercenaries to the big screen. Right now, it's rumored that Ice Cube & Woody Harrelson will be starring in this flick…but it's obviously in the early stages. They're also in the works of making a "24" (2009?) movie that will bring Jack Bauer to a theatre near you. They're also making a "CHiPs" (2009?) movie with Wilmer Valderamma ("That 70's Show") attached to play "Ponch" but little else as of yet. Don't forget about that "The Untouchables: Capone Rising" (2008?) prequel either. It should be awesome when and if it ever gets done.

Well, that oughta do it for me today. Tune in next time when I hopefully recap a wonderful evening involving a blind double date. Even if that falls through, I'm sure that I'll have something either witty, entertaining, or completely insane to say. Maybe I'll take a few shots of NyQuil and at the very least document my dreams. Who knows? You may be the next random star in a wacky doodle of a fantasy. Keep your fingers crossed…and have a great night in either case.

It's for Charity, that's why!!!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Golf Anyone?

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,


Yes, it's still technically morning & I've been up since 7 AM after going to bed around 2 AM. Still no Mountain Dew for the day yet (no dollar for the machine) so I'm struggling to stay awake...but not much. I spent my morning at a pre-meeting for a charity golf tournament that I'm volunteering with at the beautiful Hidden Valley Country Club in Sandy, Utah. The meeting was good. Apparently, I will be part of the crew that puts beverages into the coolers & ices them down in the morning, then I will assist the golfers in transitioning from one course to the next, then I will help clean up afterwards. We spent about half the meeting (only an hour or so) trying on the fancy shirts that we get - a dark blue polo shirt with white stitching...and the girl's sizes were very small...like the Medium might have fit a small child. Anyway, mine was a good size for my frame, so we took a golf cart tour of the Mountain Course.


There were a lot of deer about the premises...and they seemed very comfortable with people around. The course is located near the base of the Rocky Mountains on the Wasatch Front, so the views were simply stunning & the surrounding houses were very stately. I rode in the cart with a caddy named Ryan who had a bit of a stammer but was a great guy. I admitted upfront that I'm not a golfer but I know a little bit from "Happy Gilmore" so we had some fun as I asked silly questions.


"Well Steve, this is the tee for the f-f-fourth hole. It's a Par 5 and you can kinda see the flag over there behind the hill."
"Nice, what is that about 450 yards?"
"Depending on the tee you use, about 445-510."
"Par 5 huh? Isn't shooting a 2 on a Par 5 called an albatross?"
"Very good. I thought that you said you didn't know anything about golf."
"Oh, I don't...but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."


"Yeah, the other day here on nine, we had a guy hit a hole-in-one. My buddy & I, it was the first time that we had ever seen one & the guy was so happy. It was c-c-cool."
"Nice, did he buy a round of drinks for everybody like they do in the movies?"
"No, he was super Mormon so...you know...we didn't push it."
"Not even a round of Root Beer or Sprite or something? Man, I'd marked his card as a two."


On the 8th hole of the Mountain Course, there's a pond where there was a large amount of ducks & geese that I'm sure that I would have taken advantage of if I were a member of the club. "I say. Dr. Love, it's your turn to tee off. What are you doing over there in the bushes?" "Your mom! I'm feeding the ducks. I'll be there in a second, Pilkington." "It's your turn to tee off." "Look, I'm going to get T'd off if you keep riding my khakis about this, so go ahead & I'll catch up in a few. Do we have any beers left?"


Anyway, good times. If you'd like to know more about golf & golf terminology, please visit Golf and I'll be sure to let you know how the actual tournament goes in about two weeks. However, the day after I'll be leaving for St. Louis...so I'm just warning you that it might take me a few days to get the pictures to you. Remember the Aquarium? However, here's a small listing of some of the wonderful future blog entries coming your way as a valued subscriber to the Dr. Mookie Love Fanatic Club (please wait, 4-6 weeks for your membership cards)...

• Trips to St. Louis, Spain, the Meditteranean Sea, road trips throughout the American West, and as of yesterday, a triumphant return to the city of New Orleans


• Dr. Love takes on theories of Evolution


• My continued quest into the realm of Fears & Phobias...and how to overcome them


• Complimentary psychiatric evaluations & life advice for those who ask


• An explanation of why & when men cry - Oh yes, it does happen


• Conspiracies that you may not be aware of...because they haven't been founded...yet


• Celebrity Birthdays, Sporting News, Panda Updates, Public Service Announcements, Concert Invitations, & anything that I think may be of interest to you in this fast-paced world

Concert Announcement - Again, my good friend Spitsofrantic is having his record-release party THIS FRIDAY, AUGUST 10th at Brewski's in Ogden. Free drink when you mention this blog. If you love hip-hop with a fantastic beat & revolutionary lyrics, then you owe it to yourself to be at this show. Period. I'll see you there. Let me know if you'd like to carpool.

That's all for this day, so until next time (probably tomorrow), have a wonderful day & keep smiling...pretty please...

Sport or Game?

I was watching ESPN the other day (at my brother's house because I'm too cheap to buy my own cable to watch 3-4 hours a week) and I realized that the network of the Worldwide Leader in Sports was playing highlights from the World Scrabble Championship. I've also seen just about every network on television having some form of Poker or Blackjack show weekly, some as much as 4 hours per day. Who can forget the Spelling Bee kid passing out on national TV? Besides our female readers? Golf is not a sport. Period. Don't even try to convince me otherwise...because it's not going to work. Bowling, darts, billiards, even trick shots, these all fall under how I personally define a game rather than a sport. Horse racing? Seriously...what are the requirements of being a jockey other than having a Passport from Oompa Land?

My good buddy Noah Webster & I separate on this subject. His lawyer says that a game is "an activity engaged in for diversion or amusement" and sport as "a source of diversion" or the defintion that I prefer "physical activity engaged in for pleasure." Now, you know exactly where my mind was when I read the latter definition of sport...because it hasn't left the gutter since I was knee high to a butterfly, but the key word being "physical." The way I prefer to define it overall, is really more asking a question...can I play this while chugging beer and/or shots...and not break a sweat? The answer to all the previously mentioned GAMES is yes...I can...and so can most. That is why they should not be on television other than the Game Show Network or something...but definitely not on ESPN...where I already have to sit through hours & hours of baseball & hockey 'highlights' to get to my NBA, NFL, & women's tennis highlights.

"But Steve, what will we fill into those timeslots left vacant by your dismissal of these games? What will be entertaining for our viewers so that we can get our advertising revenue?" I'm glad that you asked, voice inside my head. For there are a number of sports out there that go relatively unnoticed by the big networks but should be given a good solid chance.

1. Women's Basketball - Women & Basketball is like Chocolate & Peanut Butter, Sex & Sleep, Jay-Z & R. Kelly, it's just the best of both worlds. There's a reason why it's played during the summer months...because it's HOT HOT HOT. Sue Bird, Diana Taurasi, Svetlana Abrosimova, even some of the other ladies that didn't come from UConn, all are athletic, passionate, & know how to handle the rock...yet can be delicate flowers just waiting for some 6'8" busy bee to come along & pollenate them...but yeah...I think they should be on TV more...especially since the Starzz moved to San Antonio. By the way, the number one gripe people have about the league is "The girls can't dunk." Well, I think that's an WNBA conspiracy because there is NO WAY that 7'2" Margo Dydek hasn't dunked yet while Lisa Leslie grabbed the rim on a layup a few years back. Were I the Silver Stars coach (and very well may be one day), that would be my primary strategy. Come on now, the 2nd tallest player in the league is like 6'4". She's playing against 3rd graders out there.

2. Sumo Wrestling - Have you actually watched one of these tournaments? You may be saying to yourself that it's just a bunch of fat Asian guys in diapers trying to give the other an atomic wedgie...but it's more than that. That's like saying football is a Battle Royale of ass-slapping. Trust me, underneath that thick layer of rice padding is a veritable BULL of man ready to show his prowess by tossing another 500-pound decendant of a samurai out of a small circle.

3. Extreme Golf - This is where golf can be saved. Once the ball is placed on the tee...and the spotter runs off...there is a 10-Mississippi rule in effect where the golfer can walk up from 5 yards away, set up, & swing...before a duo of linebackers is allowed to rush him. Now, because pads would be cumbersome in one's swing, the ground will be padded. This is only on the tee-off. Then the course will have it's usual stuff like the high grass (containing various traps & shoe-hungry wildlife), sand traps (quicksand, of course), & water hazards (including sprinklers on the putting green, so time it right). Then it's more like a game of chess than a good walk ruined.

4. The REAL Survivor - Was I the only disappointed when the people voted off the island weren't sacrificed or eaten by the remaining habitants? Possibly. However, I like the idea of the next Survivor being set.....at the THUNDERDOME!!! Two man enter, one man leave. I say get 32 of the mightiest warriors from the States. Single Elimination tournament (obviously) until a winner is crowned...then he/she (shes can enter if they want too) go on to the world championship...which will determine who gets the next Olympics. That can be the grand prize. What? What else are they going to win? Millions of dollars used in hospital bills? Perhaps the West Bank? There we go, that'll settle that little dispute over there, right? I don't know about the Grand Prize, we'll let the producers figure that out...but the idea still sounds sweet to me. Let me know if you feel differently.

Anyway, I'm watching my little niece & I haven't heard her cry for about a half-hour as I'm writing this...so hopefully she's asleep. She's a cutie. If you're real nice, I may show you some of my pictures of her. That'll be another time though. Toodlooo...