April 1st Post

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Happy April Fool's Day everybody!!! I hope that nobody pranks you…but whatever…just laugh about it if they do. I'm usually not a huge fan of April Fool's Day. Not because I'm some kind of sourpuss or something…but mostly because I don't like to make people feel like fools…unless they really deserve it…and lying is wrong. Okay, really though, it's because people kind of expect it…so you can tell them true stuff…and they always follow it with "Really?" "Yup." "You're not just bullsh*tting me right now?" "Why would I do that?" "It's April Fool's Day." "What? It's April 1st. Dude, I don't like April Fool's Day. It's too much like Opposite Day back in elementary." "See? Now I know that you're lying. You're the most childish person I know, $teve." "Gee. Thanks. Dick. Didn't know it was April Be a Jerkass Day too." "Oh, I'm sorry, man. It's this damn holiday…makes me all paranoid. I keep thinking that somebody's out to trick…" That's when I hit 'em with the "APRIL FOOL'S!!! Oh man, I so had you. You were just about to cry, I saw it. Ahahaha, oh man. Oooow…" Yeah, I know it's not funny…but then again, unless it's a REALLY good prank or something, neither is April Fool's Day. You know what else isn't funny? Your taxes are due in two weeks. That's what this day means to me. Oh yeah…and happy birthday to my high school buddies Airon & Jud.

Crazy Dream - So last night…or really not even that early this morning, I kinda woke up around 7 AM, then being lazy (and for second straight day my brother called me about an hour into my original sleep to funk it up), dozed off back to sleep. I was in this…I guess it was like a little pet store or something…and apparently I was running this place filled with little cute, furry animals. At one end, there was this door and through it was…what looked like a bar…but had a bunch of reptiles (Gila monsters, horny toads, black & white striped snakes) crawling on the floor, counter top, and even had little rattlesnakes on the top shelf. Why would I go over there? The bartender girl running the bar was really cute & flirting with me. I figured that the furry woodland creatures at my place were okay, so I went over and started talking with her and getting to know her. I was casually spittin' my limited game based on humor…and she was really diggin' it. I picked up my glass of water…and there was a little rattlesnake on there. I was startled…it lunged and bit me in the right shoulder. It didn't hurt (probably because it was a dream) so I grabbed it, pulled it out, and threw it away. The bartender freaked out. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry. They usually don't attack when they're so small." "It's okay. Are they even poisonous or anything at that age?" "Better safe than sorry." She lies me down on the counter top and straddles me. "I like where this is going…" She starts sucking my neck and shoulder…and $teve's really happy. She sits up, brushes her hair back…and I notice a large syringe in her right hand. "Where were you hiding that?" "Don't worry, you'll be fine. This'll take care of the poison" and plunges it into my heart. Blacked out.

I woke up in the pet shop sitting on a stool…and the furry critters were crawling around. I started putting them back in their little cages and tanks and what-have-you…and then the bartender opens the door, "Oh thank God you're okay. I'm sorry about all that. I've got the rattlesnakes in cages now. This is my first bar…and I was just trying to be original…and apparently didn't think it through. Let me make it up to you. How about some chicken wings and a drink? On the house." Putting the last of the furry critters away. "I'm never one to turn down free food…but you'll understand if I'm…a little hesitant to be around snakes, right?" "Oh yeah, I understand. They're all locked up. Pleeeeeeease let me make it up to you." "Well…okay. By the way, nice distraction before plunging a needle into my chest." "You like that, huh? So did I." We walk through the door…and there's still Gila monsters and horny toads walking on the ground…and I swear I saw a few snakes still crawling around. "You know that Gila monsters are poisonous, right?" "Yeah, but only if they bite you. You're wearing shoes. You'll be fine…and they're pretty." "Ugh, okay." Anyway, the conversation goes from there…and I'm keeping an eye on the little rattlesnakes in a glass case on the top shelf. They're eyeballing me…but I try to keep my focus on the bartender. We're hitting it off obviously (because it's my dream) and before I knew it, a snake's lunging at me again, I catch it by the head right in front of my face, and being a little pissed, squeeze until the head pops. I know, gruesome right? Whatever. "I thought you put all those away." "I thought I did. I may have just missed a few. I really don't keep count. Uh oh, I think you got bit again." I look at my thumb and there's some snake saliva or something on it…but I don't really see any blood or anything. "I think it's okay. I did squeeze it's skull." "Better safe than sorry" Thrown back on the counter top, she's sucking my thumb, rips my shirt off (apparently this girl works out), starts working her way down my torso, comes up with the syringe again. I'm expecting it this time, so I catch her. "What are you doing? It's for your own good." That's when I wake up. Yeah, hot right? I worry about myself sometimes with these dreams that I have…but I get over them rather quickly.

So I'm in the middle of another twelve-hour day at work (one more tomorrow before quick weekend on Thursday & Friday) and I've been training new coworkers all day. Training is a lot of fun for me…because I get to show off my skills (few that I may have), get to know my new coworkers, and occasionally get a giggle out of them. By the way, congratulations to all my new coworkers…including those previously mentioned on the blog being Brooklyn, JL Clyde, and loyal blog reader Lilie. How much of an awesome reader of the blog is Lilie? She was talking to the Mad Scientist about send me an anonymous email signed Adriana Lima about needing a place to stay in Slick City for the weekend because all the hotels were sold out...and if there was anything that I could do to help. I would be amply rewarded in promotional undergarments. The only thing was...that she forgot that I was part of the conversation too. Ah well, maybe next year. Welcome to the team, ladies. Not really much else to say about the day other than that…so here's some news...

How Is The Dalai Lama So Cool? - Oftentimes, I have wondered, as I'm sure all have, how somebody like the Dalai Lama can be so calm, cool, and collected all the time. How can this dude sit & be peaceful while his homeland is being destroyed? When asked about the destroyers, he responds with stuff like "We are all one. The universe will balance. The only way to defeat our enemies is to Love them." and stuff like that? Personally, I've always wondered if he goes into his private meditation chambers and just rants out in vulgarity like Denis Leary possessed him for a few minutes…and then walks out free of steam. However, new neuroscience research may have the answer as to why he's so damn chill all the time. Meditation may increase a person's ability to feel empathy and benevolence for others according to a new study from the University of Wisconsin (Go Badgers!!!). Scientists asked subjects (both expert meditators and novices) to practice compassion meditation while inside a functional magnetic resonance imaging machine (fMRI). The participants heard sounds designed to provoke an empathetic response, such as a distressed woman calling out, as well as positive sounds (a baby laughing) and neutral sounds (background noise at a restaurant). When subjects heard the sounds, both groups experienced more brain activity in areas associated with empathy and emotions while meditating than while not meditating. The distressed sounds elicited stronger empathetic responses than the positive and neutral noises, and the brain activity in these regions was much stronger in the seasoned meditators. By the way, their definition of season meditator in the study…was over 10,000 hours in their lifetime. That's over a year of their life…in meditation. Now, I'm not suggesting that anybody go that route unless they want to…but personally, I think a few minutes here in there could help out a lot. Whenever you're feeling agitated, just find a quiet place, take a few deep breaths, and give out a "Woosaaaah" or two or whatever you need to do to chill out for a few minutes…then look at the problem again…with a fresh perspective…and don't forget that positive attitude (shhhh, it's a Secret). You may not be a Dalai Lama…but you can certainly be a Dalai Dingo or something. Or give a good friend a call. They'll help you out with a good laugh or a sympathetic ear. Let them be your spiritual leader if needs be.

Finding Religion…in a Strip Club - Police say a pastor who was reported missing from his home in western New York has been found at a strip club in Riverside, Ohio. On Wednesday, 46-year old Craig Rhodenizer told his wife that he was going to get his computer fixed at Best Buy. When he didn't come home that night, she reported him missing. On Friday, an officer was patrolling the KC Lounge parking lot and spotted his car with the NY License plates. This raises a few questions in my mind though.

1. Did he give a sermon on Sunday?
2. Was he trying to make a run for it?
3. Do you think that he used the donation money for a lap dance?
4. Isn't it good to know that your charity is going to worthy single moms in Ohio?
5. Did he ever get his computer fixed?
6. They probably sent it to an off-site specialist, right?
   

Define Sh*tty Credit - In Binghamton NY (Carousel Capital of the World), city officials are refusing to accept a check to pay a water bill for Mr. Ron Borgna. Why? Probably because he wrote the check for $2509.66 on a piece of floral print, two-ply toilet paper. Apparently, in September 2006, Mr. Borgna received a $422.90 water bill, claims that he was over billed…and with additional charges, interest, penalties, and late fees, it is now over $2500. After writing the check on sh*t tickets, there was obviously a brief argument…and then he was escorted out of the building. He will appeal the judgment in small claims court…but honestly, kudos to you, Mr. Borgna. I probably would have never thought of writing my own checks. Sure, I've written I.O.U.'s on bathroom tissue before…but not for a government institution. Anyway, good luck with your case. Word of advice though, don't write your testimony on a paper towel. Ask a friend for some college ruled paper, at least.

Anyway, that should do it for today. Have a great night everybody…and I'll see ya in about six months. APRIL FOOL'S!!! I'll see ya tomorrow or something. See? Not really funny at all, is it? Have a great night!!!