Blog of Biblical Proportions

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Today is my day off from work. I have an odd schedule for the next few weeks where I don't have consecutive days off…just days to run errands during normal business hours. How am I going to spend it? Running errands, of course. Also I plan on cleaning my bathroom and stuff…since I haven't done it in a while. My dad's birthday was last week and he got a SwiMP3 player…which as you may have guessed is an MP3 player that is waterproof and you wear while you swim. I agreed to put some of his favorite music on there…which is rock & roll…mostly Pink Floyd, Van Halen, and the other Mega gods of R&R. He left his whole collection with me too…so now I can put it on my MP3 player too. This works splendidly for both of us.


My landlord Dale just stopped by and fixed my leaky shower faucet...and then casually mentioned that he's raising my rent $25 a month starting in March...so I casually mentioned that there's still a hole in my ceiling...and he said he's going to wait until it's above freezing...and he's also going to fix the downstairs toilet another day...but more people are having faucet problems. Like I said, he's a good guy...but yeah. I don't mind the extra rent...because honestly, I know that tenants around me are paying more than I am...and my place is a pretty good deal.


Good News: My stepsister is now trying to hook me up with a friend of a friend. She was asking me about my job and the dating life…so I casually mentioned my current state of Ruin…and in doing so, made her laugh so hard that it aroused interest in her friend nearby. She then explained the situation…and sent me a picture of one of her friends looking for a cool cat. She's a cutie and has a great smile. That's a great start. Bad news is that I sent a picture too…so we'll see how it goes. By the way, it has been confirmed through an ongoing study, that my causing people to physically laugh out loud while reading my blog…has more than DOUBLED viewership alone. Somebody will bust a gut, others will inquire why, read my silly similes and fart jokes…and be hooked. I like it. Especially when it ends up with a possible social experience…like a date. Big thanks to all my readers out there!!! Another one to my stepsister for hooking a brother up!!! Now for some real news…not speculation.

Older the Berry, Sweeter the Juice - "Wanted: rich older women interested in hot younger guys. Applicants must be over 35, earn at least $500,000 a year or have a minimum of $4 million in liquid assets, entrusted assets or divorce settlement." An elite New York matchmaker is organizing a speed-dating event based on this matching of twenty sugar mamas with twenty boy toys. It has all the makings of a reality TV show. Pocketchangenyc proclaims "Symbiosis has allowed ugly rich men to attract young, gorgeous, money-hungry women for centuries; it's now the women's turn." Equal rights is coming around. It's about time. Gail Garrison, a 44-year old fashion designer and former model says, "I find younger guys will usually be totally into you while older guys will be looking over your shoulder at a younger woman. Younger men expect an older woman to be more accomplished. They are looking for you because you are intelligent. They are not looking for a mother." Personally, I couldn't think of a better way to gain financial independence, have a relationship with a cougar, AND give in to an Oedipal complex. This may catch on. Then again, New York is always ahead of the curve.

That is Sexy? - Victoria's Secret released their picks for the lingerie company's 2008 What is Sexy? List…and I'm not going to lie. I was a little surprised at their picks. Ryan Seacrest has the sexiest smile? Really? Spokesperson Monica Mitro commented "What's sexy about him is doesn't act like he is. We felt this his smile was quite sexy in a very subtle and innocent and humble way." The reason he doesn't act like he's sexy…is because he isn't. Eva Mendes won sexiest actress…and I can go with that. Eric Bana was sexiest actor. Josh Holloway (Sawyer on "Lost") won sexiest beach body. Posh Spice a.k.a. Mrs. David Beckham won sexiest mom (not Angelina?). Sexiest musicians were Rihanna and Chris Brown. Sexiest male athletes was Tony Romo (WHAT?). For a one-hour special and complete listings, you can watch E! on February 9th…and I found out why Seacrest won. It's produced by E! and Ryan Seacrest Productions. Wow, that's low.

Maharashi Goes Quiet - It has been more than 50 years since the Maharishi began teaching the technique known as Transcendental Meditation. Popularized by a visit from the Beatles in 1967, the spiritual leader is now believed to be 91 and on Tuesday, a close adviser said he has retreated into near silence and turned over the day-to-day running of his global network to assistants. American physicist John Hagelin said, "He is not as young as he once was." This comment is being entered into the Most Obvious Statement Awards (MOSA) later this year. Most scientists agree TM can ease stress, high blood pressure, pain and insomnia. But some argue it is no more effective than many other mind-body relaxation techniques. Long time practitioner and crazy movie director David Lynch said, "Anger, stress, tension, depression, sorrow, hate, fear — these things start to retreat. And for a filmmaker, having this negativity lift away is money in the bank. When you're suffering you can't create." Perhaps it is time that the Maharashi really took some of his own medicine…and mediated in absolute isolation to find complete enlightenment. I hope that he finds it. He seems like a cool dude. We could all learn a few things from his teachings…but I'm not suggesting that retreat to Nepal or something. Just remember to take to for you…and relax…deep breaths…and just be free of thought. In fact, do it now before I go onto the next story. I'll wait. Your health and sanity is far more important than mine.

Last night, I watched "The Ten" which is a low-budget Sundance kind of comedy about the Ten Commandments, told in ten short stories, most of which are kinda funny. The really surprising thing is the cast in this movie featuring Paul Rudd, Jessica Alba, Famke Janssen, Adam Brody, Winona Ryder, Liev Schreiber, Oliver Platt, Rob Cordry, and the lovely Gretchen Mol. My favorite part is Gretchen Mol playing a 35-year old virgin librarian who spends a summer in a small pueblo in Mexico…and ends up having a lusty affair with a carpenter named Jesus. It's also half in subtitles…with a narrator in Spanish who likes to say vagina…in Spanish. It's hot. I could try to type it out…but it doesn't do him justice. "Vvvvajeenaaa" Oh…and you'll never guess who stars in the story about "Thou shalt not steal", that's right, the Winona Ryder…and a ventriloquist puppet. Pretty good movie. A little crazy…but I like crazy. A little sacrilegious at times…but whatever. I like to think that the Big Guy has a sense of humor. I mean…the guy did make platypuses. Oh…and I realize that God may or may not be male…or female…or whatever because I haven't seen the works…only artist's renditions…and the vast majority are an older pale-bearded Lebowski-looking gentleman wearing a white robe. So I base it on that. Just to avoid that controversy. Anyway, this flick has its moments…and it ends on a musical number…so check it out if you get a chance. That leads me into my next movie list...

Bible Movies - These are my favorite stories from the Bible. Though a lot of movies have the Bible involved into the plot (just about all of them) but these ones have screenplays often loosely based on the world's best selling novel.

Medal Winners

Gold - The Ten Commandments (1956) - Cecil B. DeMille's Easter classic has been around for over fifty years…and it is still a monument of film making. Charlton Heston IS Moses. Yul Brynner IS Ramses. Vincent Price IS Baka…and always creepy. You all must have seen this movie at least once in your life (or the "Prince of Egypt" animated remake that was half as long). It is the epic tale of Moses, the Hebrew baby that was sent down the river, raised by the King & Queen of Egypt as their own son, grows up to find out his heritage, and then leads his Hebrew people out of slavery and into the desert for forty years. Truly an epic masterpiece. "So let it be written, so let it be done!!!"

Silver - Ben Hur (1959) - Judah Ben-Hur (again Charlton Heston) learns that his childhood friend Messala (Stephen Boyd) is a commander of the Roman army in Jerusalem. At first he is thrilled to learn this…but then learns that his old friend is a pompous prick. Something happens (it's been a while) and Judah is sent to the galleys to be made an example of…and Messala throws Judah's mom & sister into prison. Now, the President of the NRA seeks revenge against his one-time friend…the Old Testament way…with swords and shields. Yeah, I haven't seen it in a long time…but I want to again real soon. Oh yeah, Jesus is in it too. "You truly are the King of Kings."

Bronze - The Last Temptation of Christ (1988) - I have no idea why this movie was so ignored…and the Passion made billions of dollars. Martin Scorsese directed it. Willem Dafoe is the creepiest Jesus EVER!!! Harvey Keitel is Judas. It's the story of Jesus and his life…complete with the temptations that every man faces. It's a realistic Jesus. Guilt for making crosses for the Romans (but he's a carpenter so he has to make a living). Lust towards Mary Magdelan (Barbara Hershey) and the possibility of living a normal life…instead of that of the son of God. Obviously not based on the Bible…but rather a book by Nikos Kazantzakis. It's definitely worth a gander…just for a different perspective on the gospel teachings…that are essentially retranslated, possibly exaggerated, then reretranslated hearsay from two millennia ago. I'm not saying the lessons aren't fantastic…but so are Aesop's fables…and last I checked, nobody was fighting wars over the story of the Lion and the Mouse or the Sun and the Wind.

Suggestion - Dogma (1999) - I like Kevin Smith movies…most of the time. Ben Affleck & Matt Damon are fallen angels who try to find a loophole back into Heaven. Chris Rock is a 13th apostle. Linda Fiorentino is the last descendant of the late great JC. Jason Lee is a demon. Salma Hayek is a muse. Jay & Silent Bob are hilarious. George Carlin is a Cardinal. Alan Rickman is the voice of God…who is played by Alanis Morissette. It's simply hilarious throughout. If you haven't seen this movie yet, go check it out. You probably won't go to Hell…maybe. Kevin Smith, please start making funny movies again.

Flush It - The Passion of the Christ (2004) - I have no problem with Mel Gibson making this movie…and it was okay. Frankly this gets the Flush It because it is the most overrated piece of horror porn ever. By that, I forget the term exactly…but it's when a horror movie shows all the gruesome intestine-gushing violence simply for shock factor. That's what this movie is. I'm surprised that it wasn't followed up with the sequel "The Spanish Inquisition" starring Antonio Benderas. It's two hours of JC (Jim Caviezel as Jesus H. Christ) getting the living piss beat out of him with an arrangement of torture devices…and allegedly there's a story (not really, but he assumes everybody has read the book it's based upon) and a lot of Aramaic with subtitles. Don't waste your time. Spend that time watching "Last Temptation of Christ"

Future Watch - The Rapture? - Okay, honestly I haven't been to church consistently in over a decade…and even then it was to play recreation basketball and pick up on girls. I remember a lot of battles between a bunch of groups ending in -Ites but I haven't really seen a good Biblical war movie. Wasn't there a story about a battle where all the arms were chopped off or some gruesome stuff like that? Let's make a movie about that. Like the Nephites versus the Lamanites or something. Wait, is that in the Bible or the Book of Mormon? I don't know. Maybe I should Google it or something. Maybe my Future Watch should be to see Ben Hur again. Here's some more Gretchen Mol...as "The Notorious Bettie Page"

Anyway, that'll do it for today. I'll be sure to keep you all posted on my dating life…as far as I'm willing to. Tonight, I'm going to a free showing of "Across the Universe" because it comes highly recommended...and why not? It's free. Anyway, have a great night everybody!!!

A Lot of Dirty Jokes in the News

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Some reassuring news in the Love life. No, I haven't met anybody new. No, Maya hasn't called me...and based on recently disclosed information, probably never will. Her loss. Foxy? Nope. Chances are she has completely forgotten me (and possibly how to blink without looking at her hand for notes). No, my good news is far more speculative than anything like that. High Priestess Bubbles gave me a psychic reading on my Love life last night...and here's what I remember.


Past - Possession - Apparently I was a little greedy and just tried to amass as women as possible (tried...and failed horribly) or it means that I was too focused on my possessions. I'm not a High Priest. I have no idea exactly what it means.


Present - Ruin - You think? Yeah, this wasn't really a surprise at all. I was guessing the Tower Card...but this is close enough. This means that a lot of things are falling apart and past beliefs are crumbling...but you will build new ones.


Future - Queen of Hearts - Oh yeah!!! I shall meet up with a Queen of Hearts who will is often a healer or psychic and will make my dreams come true...and being of Hearts, you can probably guess that it's concerning romance, psychic powers, or the growth of a family. Here's a little ditty from the website about her: "Affectionate and loving, she is a "mom's mom" always there to hug, heal and bake cookies for her children. Her intuition is uncanny, her temper...well, it runs very deep and you don't ever want it turned against you. Talk about scary. Unfortunately, this is also a queen who can suffer from female hormonal problems, depression, moodiness, alcoholism, drug addiction, psychological problems." Interesting.


Fly the Freaky Skies - A German travel agency Ossi-Urlaub is taking reservations for a trail day trip from the eastern German town of Erfurt to the popular Baltic Sea resort of Usedom planned for July 5th. The twist is that it is a nudist celebration flight. Naturism, or "free body culture" FKK as it is known in Germany, was banned by the Nazis but blossomed again after World War II. The 55-passenger flight will require all passengers to be fully clothed in the airports and during boarding and unboarding…but when the doors are closed, the freaks come out. The trip costs 499 Euros (about US$735) but there's plenty of Schnitzel and Erdbeerbowle for everybody. Director Enrico Hess was quoted as saying "I wish I could say we thought of it ourselves but the idea came from a customer. It's an unusual gap in the market. (Was that a pun? Did that deserve a rim shot?) I don't want people to get the wrong idea. It's not that we're starting a swinger club in mid-air or something like that. We're a perfectly normal holiday company." You know what? I'm going to take it one step further when I start my own travel agency. Over the past few days, I've talked about the Mile High Club & Sky High Club…but watch out for the Mid-Air Swingers Club. Honestly, I'd prefer a flight where the stewardesses are in those Bavarian beer babe outfits rather than bucky naked. "Excuse me, Miss. I seem to have dropped my pen. Would you mind getting that for me? JESUS!!! Something winked at me!!!"


Rights for All Women…and Their Twins - Forty years after feminists threatened to burn their bras, British women have won another battle in the fight for equality. Asda, Britian's equivalent of Wal-Mart, says it will no longer charge women more for bigger bras in its George fashion range. Brand director Fiona Lambert (a.k.a. B-cup?) said, "We're putting an end once and for all to one of the last prejudices -- that of the bigger-busted woman. From now on, all bras at George will be exactly the same price from A cup through to F cup." Don't worry Jules, I'm sure they have H cups the same price too. The girls will be taken care of…even overseas. Now, many of you know…that I have a passion for chesticles of all size, curvature, and squeezability. Which reminds me, get routine mammograms…or ask your friends for help…preferably the dudes. They'll buy you dinner after helping you. Anyway, what was my point? Oh yeah, I don't know exactly what prejudice she was talking about (because sarcasm doesn't show when it's typed out), except perhaps for breast envy (kind of the female Napoleon complex) but the kind of prejudice that goes with having a massive rack…really isn't that bad. Am I wrong? Are there any big-breasted babes out there that feel an extreme prejudice? Perhaps large amounts of attention…but if that's the case, write me a note and we can discuss it privately…over dinner perhaps…this nice Italian place I know downtown that makes this manicotti that…anyway, write me a note. Be proud of your chest, ladies!!! Note: If you ever need to feel good about the girls, just ask any guy to tell you what they think about them. They may ask for a notary writ of permission before responding at work…but they'll gladly tell you…and you'll feel better about them…after possibly being creeped out a little. Just to show how strong of a support of breast awareness I am, here's a picture of me with the world-famous Bubini Twins.






I Am Just Happy To See You - McMinn County (TN) Sheriff's Deputy Rick Shadrick pulled into the church parking lot early Saturday morning after he spotted a car parked near the building. He found 35-year old Jennifer Hunt (sister of Mike) walking from behind the building, where she said she was going to the bathroom. When she was walking to her car to get her ID, a crowbar dropped from her pants. Upon further inspection, she was also in possession of a screwdriver…and the church doors had pry marks. She is currently being held on $2000 bond and being charged with possession of burglary tools. I think the first clue was when she was more than willing to say that she was baking brownies in the church steps…apparently a misunderstanding of when Martin Luther nailed his 95 Theses to the doors of a church on Halloween 1517 (Reformation Day). "Oooh, THESES. That makes more sense, officer." Go ahead and laugh it up…it's a religious poop joke…and one of my favorites. That kind of quick thinking can keep the cops off your tail. And no, I'm not carrying a crow bar. That's all $teve, baby.


Immune to Pain…but Still Looks Like A Penis - Pictured here is not an entirely too vivid picture of Woody McForeskin with Photoshopped teeth but rather a rare animal called the Naked Mole Rat (no relation to the Naked Pole Cat, also mentioned occasionally on this blog with reference to my gentlemen's club visits). These sausage-like creatures live in cramped, oxygen-starved burrows up to six feet deep inside sweet Mother Afrika (sounds a little dirty…but it'll get worse). Truly unique creatures in that they're hairless, cold-blooded, bucktoothed rodents…and they apparently feel no pain…with regards to acid or the sting of chili peppers (so no burning sensation). "They're the nicest, sweetest animals I've ever worked with — they look frightening (compared to a Trouser Snake maybe), but they're very gentle," said neurobiologist Thomas Park. Scientists knew the mole rats were quite sensitive to touch to help replace their almost useless eyes. However, after probing their skin, Park and his colleagues unexpectedly discovered the rodents lacked the chemical Substance P, which causes the feeling of burning pain in mammals. This research may eventually lead to more help with regards to chronic pain in the field of human anatomy…but in the meantime, it hopefully made you giggle with a picture of an odd animal and a slew of double entendres.


Three-Foot Spitting Worm…but Not Another Penis Joke - When taxonomist Frank Smith discovered the giant Palouse earthworm in 1897 by, he described it as "very abundant." Nowadays, however, sightings of the worm are rare. The only recent confirmed worm sighting was made in 2005 by a University of Idaho researcher. Before that, the giant worm had not been spotted in 17 years (John Holmes?). This worm reportedly grows up to three feet long and has a peculiar flowery smell like that of lilac flowers. This cream-colored or pinkish-white worm also lives in permanent burrows and spits at attackers. Steve Paulson, board member of the conservation group Friends of the Clearwater, said "This worm is the stuff that legends and fairy tales are made of." I must have missed that story growing up…you know, the one about the mythical three-foot long, pinkish-white worm named Palouse that saved his people by going deep into the Milky Thy Pass to meet with the wise nymph Kletorus. However, shortly after they met, the nomadic Krabb tribe attacked and he fought them off with powerful lunging attacks and spitting into their eyes. Yet the Krabb people still came in droves…with their fiery pinchers. When it seemed that all hope was lost…and Palouse could spit no more, his sweet scent of lilacs gave Kletorus strength and with a mighty, pass-quaking moan she flooded out the invaders…never to be seen again…and nursed Palouse back to health. Yeah, I must have missed that one. Does anybody have a cigarette?


"Monster" Movies - Recommended by the lovely Bone Junior


Medal Winners

Gold - Gremlins (1984-90) - This qualifies because it was released in Germany as "Kleine Monsters" (Little Monsters), so there. Written by Chris Columbus (the director, not the mass murderer), this story of a mystical little furry creature that a boy buys at a local shop…and the three simple rules of upkeep: No water, no food after midnight, and no bright light. When these rules are violated, hellish hysterical mayhem is unleashed on a small Midwestern town…and the sequel takes place in Manhattan. Great flick…starring Corey Feldman and Phoebe Cates. If you haven't seen it already, check it out. It's a hoot and/or holla.



Silver - Monsters, Inc. (2001) - Great Pixar family flick featuring the voices of John Goodman, Billy Crystal, Frank Oz, Jennifer Tilly, John Ratzenberger, James Coburn, Steve Buscemi, Bonnie Hunt, and others about the working class monsters that do their business in the closets and under the beds of our children…and business is good…until one particularly desensitized little girl follows them home. It's a cute, heartwarming tale…and I just realized…that though all these movies have monster in the title, they're not scary at all. Maybe we should look forward to a scary movie with "Monster" in the title.



Bronze - Monster Squad (1987) - Honestly haven't seen this movie in probably twenty years…but it was highly recommended by Bone Junior (and therefore on the way courtesy of Blockbuster) but what I vaguely remember was pretty good. From director Fred Dekker ("Night of the Creeps" & "Robocop 3") and co written with Shane Black ("Lethal Weapon" & "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang"), here's the story. Twelve-year-old Sean Crenshaw and his best friend Patrick are die hard monster fanatics. Along with their friend Horace (nicknamed Fat Kid), junior high tough guy Rudy, Sean's kid sister Phoebe, and little Eugene they come together and talk monsters. But when Dracula, Frankenstein, the Wolf Man, the Gill Man, and the Mummy come to their small town to get an amulet to control the world, Sean leads his friends into action to protect their town from the forces of evil. It's the ultimate nerdy kids against the forces of Evil story. Can't wait to see it again.



Suggestion - My Pet Monster (1986) - This was a straight to VHS kids show that I vaguely remember watching thousands of times as a kid (because it was only like 30-40 minutes long). Basically, a kid goes with his class to a museum and sees a cool creepy statue from an ancient civilization. If I remember right, he's there alone, I think they're struck by lightning and therefore he transforms into a furry pink & purple Monster and has super powers…and growls…and walks really fast…and body slams or something. It's been about twenty years for this one too. I think there's a scientist after him too. Oh yeah, I watched the Saturday morning cartoons, had the plush toy, a few of the children's books, even handed out the Valentines in First Grade.



Flush It - Monster-In-Law (2005) - Watch this movie on a monsoon rainy day on a pirated DVD in China purchased by a hot girl on the trip…and still felt like I had wasted two hours of my life (followed with a pirated copy of "Striptease"). This movie stars J-Lo and Jane Fonda along with…who really cares? The movie sucks. It's a lame romantic comedy with massive amounts of estrogen-induced drama and cattiness thrown in with no humor to help it out. At least J-Lo didn't sing in this movie. I was waiting for a hot, steamy, sweaty catfight between the hardest working ass in show business and Barbarella...but it never happened.

Future Watch - Monster (2003) - The reason that I'm looking forward to the future with this…is because I honestly haven't seen it. "But $teve, it stars Charlize Theron as a bisexual prostitute turned serial killer…and Christina Ricci is her lover? She won the Academy Award for it. How could you have possibly NOT seen this movie?" I was warned. That's why. Never really had an urge to see this movie. It's basically the same reason that I haven't seen "Monster's Ball" (2001) though there's a Halle Berry love scene in it. Taking it from Billy Bob Thornton, she deserved that Oscar too. Too bad it didn't work for Angelina…but then again, that wasn't a movie. I have no reason to watch "Monster House" (2006) but with the nephew & nieces growing up, I may check it out some day. We shall see.


Well, I guess that'll do it for today. Sorry for all the genital jokes…but that's where my mind's at…always…and don't try to tell me you weren't thinking the same thing when you saw that Naked Mole Rat thing. Have a great night!!!

Who You Gonna Call?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The President of the Church of Latter-Day Saints, Gordon Bitner Hinckley died at the age of 97. I wasn't big into the church…but from what I've heard about the guy…and seen of him on the news over the past decade or so, he seemed like a really cool cat. Now, I'm not an entirely religious man as you may have heard (Clapton is God and Elvis was his prophet) but I have nothing but respect for men & women who devote their lives to helping others in the name of a higher calling. This guy did that…for a loooooong damn time. Oops, sorry. Long darn time. He reminded me of my step-great-grandpa in a lot of ways. They're both in their nineties, have great heads on their shoulders, witty & warm, and have genuine care for others…so President Hinckley's passing reminds me to appreciate loved ones all the more while they're here…because you never know when their battery's gonna run out. It's truly a sad time…but at least he went peacefully…and his legacy will live on. Hope to see you up there someday, playa.



Speaking of old dudes, I spoke with my landlord today. "Hello?" "Hey Dale, it's $teve from apartment 69. How's it going?" "Pretty good...just here near Cedar City (one of $teve's least favorite cities), what's up?" "Yeah, I was just wondering when you're in town again if you wouldn't mind fixing the downstairs toilet and checking out the faucet on my shower tub. It's been leaking for a few weeks and getting worse." "Sure, (neighbor) has the same problem so I'll grab my kit and check it out." "Cool beans. I'll tell you about the other stuff when you're here." "What? Oh okay. See you then."



Well, upon further review of my job situation, it may really not be a bad idea for me to seek employment elsewhere. I love the people that I work with…and I really used to love my job…as far as jobs go. If not within the company than to some other corporate juggernaut that will use me like a Kleenex until I'm soggy, snotty, and putrid. I've got the goods…but do I have the guts? Film at eleven. By that, I mean that I'm going to do what I can with the benefits here right now until I find me a pasture that isn't covered in snow and bovine feces. I'm not too worried…but then again, I'm highly delusional and overly optimistic. There comes a point in your career when things look pretty bleak, where you make a decision to start anew, keep up the good work and see what happens, or simply ride this bitch out into the sunset. If anybody out there knows of any good jobs that have a hot, young, go-getter like me written all over it, hook a brother up…or at least let me know so that I may pass the hook up onto others here. Funny, it wasn't too long ago that I thoroughly enjoyed my job and thought it was the greatest. Now I have to motivate myself to come to work by saying "Cash rules everything around me, CREAM get the money, dolla dolla bills y'all." I may have to take the non-profit off my job title as a non-profit gigolo…but then I'd just be another man-whore. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying, if there was a moral conflict in there, it'd be a concern. Anyway, more on that as the game goes on. Here's some news…



Heartache Leave - Hime & Company, a Tokyo-based marketing firm is now offering Heartache Leave to employees that need a few days to get over a harsh breakup in order to return to work refresh and renewed. While most companies call this 'Personal Leave' this company, comprised of six women (Is there affirmative action in Japan?) offers a day or two off a year to cry it out. Oh…and they also offer days off to take advantage of bargains called "sales shopping leave" for its employees. "Before, women could take half-days off to go to sales, but you'd have to hide your shopping bags in lockers by the train station, but with paid leave, we don't have to feel guilty about bringing our shopping bags to work, and we can enjoy the best part about sales shopping -- talking about our purchases afterwards." Maybe I should learn Japanese and get with this marketing firm. What do they market? Cosmetics & feminine goods? I can do that. I wouldn't even need to take advantage of Heartache Leave…but then again, those Chinese girls liked me when I was over there. Maybe I'll send them my resume.



Change of Heart - In Lynchburg, Virginia (not to be confused with Lynchburg, TN - Home of Jack Daniels Distillery), 72-year old Duval Alexander Davis, Sr. was having a horrible time. I'm not certain but he may have had some financial troubles brought about by being laid off…so he decided to rob a bank (I've told you already, I'm too tall to go this route…though it has been considered). He walked up to the teller, said "Give me all your money" and as the bag was exchanged, he had an epiphany. "What am I doing? I don't need to do this. So I'm going through some rough times…but here I am…pointing a gun at a nice lady…who has done nothing to deserve this either." So he gives the money back…and tells her to call the police. He even offers her the gun to make sure he doesn't change his mind again and try to run off. It's like a crazy Christmas story…but without the happy ending…because this guy's going to jail…but at least he'll have three squares a day, a bunk, and plenty of companionship. Sorry it had to go that way, Mr. Davis. Don't drop the soap.



How Do You Know When It's Been Too Long? - Have you ever been in a psychiatrist's office? Yeah, me neither. You know when they show you those inkblot Rorschach tests and everything looks like Adriana Lima in various environments and situations? Of course, you don't. That's ridiculous. Well, at NASA, there were recent photos sent back from Mars that showed a figure resembling that of a human-like figure…to people like myself who have never been in a psychiatrist's office. The authorities say that it is not an organism…but rather a rock formation…and shows no sign of life. However, I beg to differ. True, it's not an organism…or a being…but you cannot tell me that that rock formation is anything less than proof of intelligent life. Look at the elegant features and details about the hands and waist. Sure, the facial features are a little muted…but that's part of the Martian artist's expression of human condition. Perhaps other life forms look down at our sculptures and say "Obviously that rock formation is caused by erosion or coincidental wind patterns. Look, it only has two arms instead of our seven appendages. They surely must be inferior creatures." Judge not…lest ye be judged by Judge Fudge…because he doesn’t care…he's far too busy being delicious.



Roy Orbison, the Lost Beatle? - A new species of beetle that appears as if wearing a tuxedo has been named in honor of the late great rock & roll legend Roy Orbison ("Pretty Woman" among others) and his widow Barbara. ASU Entomologist Quentin Wheeler made the announcement during a Roy Orbison tribute concert with Roy's widow and two sons in the audience. The beetles official name is Orectochilus Orbisonorum and apparently does a mean doggy paddle…but can't strum a guitar.



Finding Religion…in the Backseat of a Stolen Car - Greek Orthodox Bishop Metropolitan Isaiah recently had his car stolen in Arlington, Texas (Go Eagles!!!). Sure, the car is a bit of a loss…but among the contents of the vehicle were a cell phone, a veil, a copy of the New Testament, a black fabric bag given to the ex-Marine by the widow of a fellow officer, and a jeweled crown estimated to be worth nearly $10,000. However, I would have to think that the Karma from stealing stuff like that would be amazingly against the car thief. It also might be a little difficult to pawn off something like that. "Where the hell did you get that thing? Liberace's yard sale?" "Whatever man, what can I get for it?" "Probably eternity in purgatory at BEST…but I can get a free pass to the Pearly Gates if I turn you in." Also, I've heard a few doozies of names in my day. In fact, growing up, I had a Bishop Bishop at my church…but who names their son Metropolitan? I imagine he has a brother named Isaiah, so he goes by Isaiah Isaiah…and before Met joined the church they were plumbers that got sucked into an ill-fated video game world called "Super Isaiah Bruthahs" that didn't catch on. Anyway, what was my point? Oh yeah, don't steal cars. God will kill you…eventually.



G.I. Joe's Newest Addition - In an obvious attempt to tap into the female market, Channing Tatum ("Step Up") will star as Duke in the upcoming G.I. Joe movie. The busy actor will also be starring in Oliver Stone's new movie "Pinkville" (not about a town of my favorite color but about the My Lai massacre) when/if the writer's strike is over…but in the meantime, it's go Joe. Other stars already signed on for the Stephen Sommers directed "G.I. Joe" features are Dennis Quaid as General Hawk, Sienna Miller as the Baroness, Marlon Wayans as Ripcord, Said Taghmaoui as Breaker, Ray Park as Snake Eyes, Rachel Nichols as Scarlett, and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje as Heavy Duty, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt in negotiations. Everybody's favorite gigolo, Arnold Vosloo is playing Zartan (of course). Still waiting for Jason Statham to sign on as Destro but he's a busy guy…so it may go to Vin Diesel or something. Oh yeah…and Gary Oldman as Cobra Commander. I think he's the only supervillain that could pull off a severe lisp like that.



"Ghost" Movies - Okay, so the other day I was trying to think of a fairly common word used in movie titles where I could make a silly list, right? Then some things happened that helped me come up with a good one. Bubbles asked me if that song from Ghost ("Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers) plays every time she walks into a room. She's aware that at most times, my life seems to have a soundtrack…and it doesn't sometimes. Then another coworker and I were talking about movies that we watched as kids a lot…and so here's my list of movies with the word "Ghost" in the title. Enjoy



Medal Winners


Gold - Ghostbusters (1984-89) - This movie, along with "Back to the Future" & "Revenge of the Nerds" were probably the three movies that shaped my childhood. That being said, now you know why I am the way I am. This story of three recently-canned college professors (Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, & Harold Ramis) and their newfound black friend (Ernie Hudson) starting a ghost extermination business in Manhattan. Also starring Sigourney Weaver, Rick Moranis, William Atherton, & Annie Potts, this is a comedy masterpiece. The sequel wasn't bad either. Chances are…you won't be scared…but you'll probably still pee yourself laughing. There are countless lessons that my parents neglected to tell me…but the Ghostbusters were more than happy to tell me. For example, if someone asks you if you're a God, then you say yes. Also, never get involved with possessed people. When trying to express the magnitude of a situation in a way that people can visualize, use a Twinkie. When someone comes running out of an apartment saying they're being chased by a bear, you run with them. In reality, there is no Dana, there is only Zool. But most importantly, when you're peeing yourself laughing, don't cross the streams. It could be bad.



Silver - Ghost (1990) - I don't believe there's another movie more easily identified by its main song. I know it's a chick flick…but I like it. I'm not afraid to say it. It's romantic. Patrick Swayze is awesome (still haven't seen "Dirty Dancing" all the way through). Demi Moore's gorgeous (though she needed to let the hair grow out a bit). Whoopi is even tolerable…in small doses. Funny little tidbit, Jerry Zucker directed this movie. What else has he done? How about comedy classics like "Airplane!", "Ruthless People", "Top Secret!", "Rat Race", and then you have romances like "Ghost" and "First Knight". Quite a versatile guy…and great comic director. I mean…he made Whoopi funny. Think about it. Better yet, just sing it with me. "OOOOOOOOOOOH, MYYYYYYY LOOOOOVE. MY DARLIIIIIING, I HUUUUNGER FOOOOR YOOOUR TOUCH"



Bronze - The Ghost & the Darkness (1996) - Based on the true story of two African lions with a taste for manflesh that killed 130 people over a nine-month period in 1898…that oddly enough is the origin of the cliché "Once you eat black, you'll never go back" that has been slightly modified over the last century. It's the story of a bridge engineer (Val Kilmer) and the great white hunter (Michael Douglas) trying to kill the beasts…and save at least one village in Mother Afrika. I haven't seen this movie in a long time…but if I remember right, it's really intense. So intense…that I just put it on my Blockbuster queue.



Suggestion - Pathfinder: Legend of the Ghost Warrior (2007) - I commented about this movie once before…and it's actually a pretty good flick that you should check out. It's like a mix of "300", "Apocolypto", and "Last of the Mohicans" but involved Vikings & Native American tribes fighting with axes and swords and stuff. If you're into that stuff, this is your flick. "Ghost Rider" (2007) was okay…but nothing outstanding.

Flush It - "Ghost Dad" (1990) - Oh Bill Cosby. Why can't you and Whoopi make a movie together so that I can check out my toilet solid waste capacity. It's more likely than the Terrell Owens biopic entitled "Don't Forget Your Popcorn" starring Wesley Snipes. So, amid lots of competition from horrible horror movies, this story of a father who's on his way to close a business deal, dies in a car crash, but thanks to a doctor that studies the paranormal, he may still be able to close the deal and save his family. It's like Ghost…but completely retarded. Directed by screen legend Sidney Poitier. "Ghost Ship" (2002) gets notice in the Flush It too…though it's a decent horror flick. "Thirteen Ghosts" (2001) was pretty bad too. Honestly, I couldn't even finish it. Why? I knew Shannon Elizabeth wasn't going to do what I was hoping for. "Ghost in the Machine" (1993) is pretty bad too. A computer tech / serial killer gets in a car accident…and while he's in a CAT scan machine, there's a bolt of lightning…and his spirit is transferred to the building's electrical grid…and he can kill at will. Who's going to stop him? Karen Allen. We're all screwed.



Future Watch - Space Ghost (2010?) - Who doesn't like Space Ghost? Communists. That's who. Honestly, I just couldn't find anything up coming in the future…and I like Space Ghost…from Coast to Coast…cuz he's the host with the most…cartoons. Along my search, I did find a 2001 movie entitled "The Erotic Ghost" starring Tammy Parks and directed & written by John Bacchus who has brought such masterpieces as "Kinky Kong", "Play-Mate of the Apes", "Lust in Space: The Erotic Witch Project IV", and "Gladiator Eroticvs: The Lesbian Warriors." I may have to check some of these out.



Anyway, now that I've incriminated myself…I will bid you farewell for the day. Have a great night!!!

Klaatu Verada Nikto

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Just to clarify what I said yesterday, Mr. Wingman is doing very well. I talked with him & we made stupid jokes. I may have not made that clear yesterday…and I apologize. We're already planning on a spring road trip…possibly along the Pacific Coast. Stay tuned for that as well. Let's see, other than that. I went with my dad to get Utah Blaze tickets this morning. My dad & I are huge fans of football…especially here in Utah. We called them up last week to make sure that tickets went on sale this morning…and it was confirmed. I showed up at his house and he showed me the damage to his basement from the broken line. It's basically complete…but we'll have a fun time remodeling it. I guess. Odd thing was…he was watching AMC and the movie that was one…was "Magic" with Anthony Hopkins, the same movie that was on the last time I was over there in the morning a few months ago. Weird, right? It gets a little weirder.

We drove to the ticket office…and as we were walking to it, a guy asked my dad & me, "Do you guys know where the ticket office is?" "Yeah man, it's just up around the corner here." "For the ice skating show?" "I ugh…assume for all tickets." The guy speedwalks ahead of us and my dad turns to me, "Did that guy just ask us if we're here for the ice skating show?" "I guess he did. Do you think we give off that vibe…that we'd be here for tickets to Disney on Ice or something? Does this beefskin jacket make me look like Brian Boitano?" So yeah, apparently there was a line for Disney on Ice tickets that go on sale today…but we were here for Blaze tickets….good ones too. We walked up to the cashier and told her what we were looking for…and the best seats they had were on the 24th row. "These things just went on sale today, right?" "Well, they started on Saturday…but there wasn't a whole lot of people here. Most of these sections closer are reserved for season ticket holders." My dad was a little peeved…but I calmed him down. "Do these seats open up if they don't get season ticket holders?" "Yeah." "When does that happen?" "It's hard to tell. Usually a few weeks before the first game…so about a month from now…maybe." "Your confidence fills me with hope…but is there a way to get a specific day…because we want good tickets." She went and got her manager…and he basically said the same thing. Long story short, we got two tickets to two games, March 29th against the Georgia Force and May 10th against the Colorado Crush. Good times…and hopefully some better seats will open up.

Then I went home for an hour. Do you want to know what I like about Utah's weather? If you don't like it now…wait two hours, it'll change. Last night, for my drive home from work, it was a monsoon with strong rain & winds…in January, in the powder capital of the world. When I walked in my front door, it was a clear beautiful day with a strong breeze…but an hour later, there's three inches of snow on the ground and my car…and it's a blizzard…all the way to work…and will probably be for another hour or so…then it'll probably be a beautiful, shiny day again…or fire balls will fall from the sky…and then the Rapture will be upon us. Utah weather rules!!!

So yesterday, as I walked to my car to go to work, I noticed there was a note on my windshield. It read "Please don't park in my parking spot." My immediate thought: "Holy sh*t! It's finally happened. I have two distinct personalities completely independent of the other. My schizophrenia is complete. What the hell am I gonna do now?" Then I realized that it was in wonderful cursive penmanship…so it was obviously written by a woman. Just for a little background, when I got my apartment, I spoke with my landlord Dale and he said that I could park where I do for a second parking spot…because it's not covered…and it doesn't interfere with anyone. Sweet, where do I sign? However, there's a covered parking spot to the left of where I park and the lady that uses it used to give me a hard time about parking too close to her (within 10 feet) because apparently she's an idiot. I spoke with her once about it, explained the situation, and that was it. I think it's the same lady that I spoke with over a year ago that parks there…but honestly all I remember is a red car…because my neighbors tend to move away for one reason or another after 2-3 months. I wonder if it's her that wrote the letter…but frankly, I don't care. I think I'm just going to write on the back of the note: "I didn't write this, so you must be confused. Please stop by Apartment 69 & we'll discuss this" and place it back in my wiper.

Honestly though, I was planning on calling my landlord Dale tomorrow anyway for a multitude of reasons. Now, Dale's a good guy. He's funny, handy, and just a great guy. His business card reads such wonderful occupations as "Entrepreneur, Professional Model-Actor, Dealer of Antiquities, Professional Egotist, Student in Mysteries of Life, Eclectic Collector, Eccentric Story Teller, and Learned World Traveler" among others. However, he's also in his sixties, mostly deaf, a little on the senile side, lives an hour away, and my apartment is pretty outdated…but habitable and at a great price…and good location for me. I'm thinking the conversation is going to go something like this…

Dale: Hello?
$teve: Hey Dale, it's $teve in Apartment 69. I ugh…was wondering if and when you were going to get to the little things that I discussed with you about my apartment last month.
Dale: Oh I don't know. Refresh my memory on what that was again…
$teve: Well, new business is the faucet on my shower runs hot water and I can't get it to stop. It started as a trickle a few weeks ago…but it's getting progressively worse. The downstairs toilet is still on the Fritz so I don't dare leave solid waste in there. There's also that leak in the pipe from the upstairs toilet that's trickling onto the ceiling of the downstairs…you know, the one you tried to tell me was from the shower…like it mattered? Yeah, I think I have evidence that it is not. Oh…and there's still that giant crack in the ceiling that you haven't fixed in the two years that I've lived here. (Silence) Are you still there? Do you need me to write this down or send you an email or anything?
Dale: Yeah, I'm here. I remember the toilet. Maybe I ugh…do you work today or tomorrow?
$teve: Yes'r. I'll be here before noon each day. I'd be happy to show you what I need done. Oh…and some lady's saying that I'm parked in her spot. Any idea who that is?
Dale: I'll ask around. Cool, I'll see ya tomorrow morning then…and I'll bring the tool kit.
$teve: Sounds like a plan. See ya then. Thanks Dale.

Obviously I'm a pretty easy going guy to have stuff like that going on in my apartment…but I just know that it means my landlord will be in my apartment while I'm gone and tearing up my place…and take God knows how long to do it. Oh well, it has to be done. I'll just have to make sure that he's not using my cable or eating my Doritos or whatever I'm scared of while I'm at work. Not that I think he would…but I'm just not sure how I'd react. "Those had better be your Doritos, old man." "Shower & toilet're fixed. I'm waiting on a part for the pipe…but I'm thinking that I'll wait for spring to fix the ceiling if you don't mind." "What I mind is that you're enjoying my Blazin' Buffalo chips without asking. (Sniff some aroma) You been in my Crown Royal too? That's it. Outcha go." Sorry, I tend to ramble for no reason. Now for some real news flashes...

The Real Reason to Watch the Super Bowl - No, I'm not talking about football. I'm talking about Marketing, an area that I have a little bit of expertise…and a college degree. Any ideas on how much it costs for a 30-second spot during the Super Bowl? What if I were to give you clues like it'll reach something like 90 million people, possibly more because it involves the historic event of an undefeated team this year? A million dollars? Not even close. How about the fact that a writer's strike is putting pressure on because it's harder to reach a larger audience because very popular shows are on hiatus? Two million dollars? Getting warmer…but it's about $2.7 MILLION dollars…or $90,000 per SECOND. Make a memorable commercial though…and it can really help your company launch into the stratosphere. Everybody knows that beer commercials are historically the best…and occasionally good car commercials or stuff like that. I'm obviously intrigued by the Victoria's Secret spot…but honestly, does Victoria's Secret really need advertising? I assume that I'm like most guys and have the lineup of Brazilian superhotties always running in the subconscious background of every thought or action. I'm not complaining about the commercials. Please don't get it twisted…but ladies, those commercials are aimed at you. Guys are simple. We go where we know…and that's Victoria's Secret. Their only competition is the adult shop with the neon signs and the shifty-eyed cashier. We don't go to Wal-Mart for stuff like that. Anyway, I love to watch the Super Bowl…even if I don't care about the final score (Eagles are only there once in a generation) because the commercials are always ready to go…and the best of the year. No, I'm not mentioning this tidbit because I want a kickback from the NFL or Victoria's Secret…but it'd be nice. Come on Vicky…just a coupon or something. I won't tell nobody. It'll be OUR little secret.

Eyes on the Prize - Speaking of Brazilian superhotties, the woman that's flipping you off in the picture is 36-year old model Angela Bismarchi who will be dancing in very revealing clothing in front of a 300-piece drum corps in next month's Carnival celebration in Rio de Janeiro. She's hoping that her sculpted beauty will help as the "percussion queen" to get her samba squad to the championship…or the Samba Bowl, as I assume it's called. Oh…and by sculpted beauty, she has had 42 plastic surgeries…and is well on her way to breaking the Guinness World Record of 47 surgeries held by 52-year old American Cindy Jackson. Just before the parade, she is having nylon wires implanted in her eyes to give them an Asian slant…because the theme of her samba group is Porto de Pedra, the centennial of the Japanese immigration to Brazil. Though I appreciate the dedication and the passion to the performance, it's amazing that she would do something like this…every few weeks. "I was always vain and for carnival you have to feel especially pretty." Luckily, her husband is her plastic surgeon…so that's convenient. Ladies, surgery isn't the answer. The best thing to do is find somebody who makes you feel great for the wonderful person you are…without having to become some plastic doll without a soul. I'm not a doctor…but this woman may be certifiably crazy. Oh wait…I am a doctor…and in my professional opinion, she could use some help. Unless of course there's something lost in translation. Apparently there's cultural differences too…but it just can't be that healthy. Anyway, beauty comes from the inside-out y'all. Anybody who can't see that doesn't deserve you.

Cold Blooded - Sorry, I'm still stuck on the Victoria's Secret commercial…so I'm gonna take a cold shower like this guy. Wim Hof (pictured left) stood on a Manhattan street in a clear container full of ice for 72 minutes. Hof said he survives by controlling his body temperature through tantric meditation. Tantra is an Eastern tradition of ritual and meditation said to bring followers closer to their chosen deities…and of course was made famous by Sting saying that he could have orgasms for hours at a time (and why I haven't heard much about him making music since then). Apparently, Mr. Hof took it the exact opposite way by deciding to have blue balls for hours. Truly different ends of the spectrum…but examples of dedication nonetheless. I have a meditation room that I've used sporadically. The only problem is that all that inner reflection gets really boring…because I know what I like and what I desire. I'm tired of listening to myself…especially when other people are so interesting. Sure, that whole Tantric Sex thing sounds like it'd be awesome…but I don't trust that Sting guy. Sting isn't even his real name, it's Gordon Matthew Thomas Sumner…and I think he was a wrestler if I remember right. He was also with the police at one time…and you can't trust those guys. He also told me "Let your soul be your pilot" and that led to a pretty severe accident. Yeah, just couldn't trust him after that little incident.

Politician Takes On Airline Food - Vermont state Representative Jason Lorber does standup routines, produces comedy shows, and run improv workshops when he's not voting on laws. It's an odd combination…but not completely different if you think about it. For what are politicians if not performers? He grew up in California, is a member of a civil union, is a homosexual, and has a one-year old son. Not exactly sure how that last one happened given the other information…but I'm sure there's a well-played anecdote about it. For those of you who didn't know me a few years ago, I once considered moving to Vermont…briefly (it involved a beautiful, sweet girl and a fresh start) but ultimately did not…obviously. Vermont did seem like a great place though. Granted, I haven't been there (yet) but based on research, it's kind of like a state of hippies with a number of college towns, including it's capital Montpelier. Other things going for it: It's in the mountains, they LOVE pancakes and anything with maple syrup involved, Ben & Jerry's is based there, and some of the best culinary schools in America. A tall, sweet Flatlander (non-Vermont native) like myself could make a nice little home there…get a marketing job with Ben & Jerry, hang out with the hotties learning to cook French pastries, possibly go into politics (complete with show on VH1 and a spin-off or two), but alas, I chose and choose to stay in Utah. I don't know what I'd do without my family & friends. Also there are no comedy clubs in the entire state of Vermont…and I don't recall hearing of anybody ever playing basketball within the state limits.

Don't Drop the Soap - There are a lot of advantages to having parents in the public eye. Usually it goes with being financially stable, attending some of the best schools, popularity among your peers, and the backing of many others when you have a crazy idea that just might be brilliant in the most horrible of ways. Twenty-three year old John Sebelius is a student at the Rhode Island School of Design in Providence (next to Brown University…because I've seen it first-hand). For a class project, he designed a board game titled "Don't Drop the Soap" where the object of the game is to "Fight your way through six different exciting locations in hopes of being granted parole. Escape prison riots in the Yard, slip glass into a mob boss' lasagna in the Cafeteria, steal painkillers from the nurse's desk in the Infirmary" obviously it's intended for a mature audience. Oh yeah…and his mother is Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius and father is U.S. Magistrate Judge Gary Sebelius…so he gets a little extra publicity that way. I mean…do you think I would have stumbled upon this information if that weren't the case? Of course not. One major problem though, the contact information on his website lists the address of the governor's mansion. It just goes to show that a mother's love is truly limitless…when you can sell an R-rated board game from your mom's house…while she's the only person in the state that can veto an execution.

Before I left my dad's today, we turned on the TV and one of my favorite old movies was on AMC now, "The Day The Earth Stood Still" (1951) starring Michael Rennie and Patricia Neal. For those of you who have never seen this movie, it's about an alien Klaatu coming down with a message to deliver to all of Earth's leaders…and basically it's "Stop fighting and be peaceful…or we're going to destroy you." The ultimate message of peace through Intergalactic Deterrence. Anyway, you should definitely check it out. It's a great flick…and odd…because I just found out that they're remaking it last night thanks to the Mad Scientist and Dark Horizons…but more on that in Future Watch…

Alien Visitor Movies - P.S. I left Transformers out on purpose.

Medal Winners

Gold - Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977) - A fellow Steve (Spielberg) wrote and directed this movie about a man (Richard Dreyfuss) who makes contact with a UFO and receives a message from alien visitors…and he makes mashed potato mountains…so his family thinks that he's crazy. Is he crazy? Does this really mean something? Only time will tell…and basically he's too amazed by the spaceship to say "I told ya so." Teri Garr & Lance Henriksen also star in this masterpiece.

Silver - Independence Day (1996) - I remember celebrating my first day of paid work…by going and seeing this movie about aliens who just want to blow us up. Starring the Fresh Prince, President Lone Star, Dr. Ian Malcolm, Vivica Fox, and a jazz musician among a cast of thousands. It's a great flick. In fact, I'm willing to wager that every last one of you has seen this movie at least once in your lifetime.

Bronze - E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982) - Spielberg strikes again with the story of an apparently supersmart extra-terrestrial who befriends a little boy named Elliott…and the government finding out. One of my favorite movies as a kid…though even then I was kind of dumbfounded by a few things. Like…if they're technology is so super advanced that they can fly between the cosmos…and make in intergalactic cell phone out of a children toy…oh and apparently some kind of telepathic powers...then why don't they walk around Earth in giant exosuits or at least something with wheels since all they can do is waddle like a penguin? It's just really weird to think that this alien is really brilliant and he doesn't protect himself going to a hostile, foreign environment…and that's the only hope that the government had. If he had his Betablaster strapped on his side, he'd gone out blazing like Billy the Kid.

Suggestion - Starman (1984) - This is my mom's favorite movie of all time…so I've seen it a number of times…and had no idea that it was directed by John Carpenter until I looked it up just now. Basically, it's a chick flick romantic tale of an alien (the Big Lebowski himself, Jeff Bridges) who lands in Wisconsin taking the form of a widow (Karen Allen)'s husband. He then asks her to drive him to Arizona…with the government trying to stop them along the way. It's actually a pretty good movie. When else can you have a chick flick involving aliens? Check it out. I also love "Mars Attacks!" (1996) simply because it has Jack Nicholson as President. I'll also mention "Coneheads" (1993) since I didn't during my SNL list. Check 'em all out. The Truth is out there.

Flush It - Species (1995-2007) - Now, I'll admit that I've watched the first Species…probably too many times…but it's not my fault that Natasha Henstridge is hot. She get it from her mama. "Aliens sent us this transmission…with a cure for cancer…and also instructions on how to fuse their DNA with ours. Which do you think we should do first?" Several weeks later, it's a fully developed super hottie killing machine…so they send Michael Madsen, Alfred Molina, Forest Whitaker, and Sir Ben Kingsley out to get her. I actually really liked the first one…for primal reasons…but they're up to four now…and there's not even Natasha Henstridge anymore…so it's basically sci-fi soft-score porn. Okay if separated…but I just don't feel it all together. Carl Sagan's "Contact" (1997) seemed entirely too long and drawn out…and the alien turned out to be her father. I feel with Mr. Garrison on this one.

Future Watch - The Day The Earth Stood Still (December 12th, 2008?) - Okay, so I was overjoyed when I heard that they were remaking this classic…because I like the first one so much. Moreso when I found out that John Cleese ("Monty Python") will play Dr. Barnhardt and Jennifer Connelly will play Helen, the lady who helps the alien Klaatu. However, it all came to a standstill when I found out that Keanu Reeves will be playing Klaatu. So when I was watching the movie, I just imagined Ted "Theodore" Logan being the messenger of Earth's doom. What made it even easier was the commercials on AMC for "The Matrix" which is on tonight…possibly as a tie-in for this movie remake (gotta love marketing). Kathy Bates is also in this movie apparently…and the director Scott Derrickson has such credits as "The Exorcism of Emily Rose" so it should be pretty good. We shall see.

Well, I guess that'll do it for today. Now that you're caught up on current events. Oh yeah, if you're wondering why I don't talk about stuff like conflict in the Middle East and droves of people being chopped down by machete in Kenya…it's because I use this as my escape from that stuff. It's truly tragic. There's no doubt about it…but I'm not about spreading that tragedy. I'm here to put a smile on your face…and maybe make you think a little bit…but there's no pressure to do anything you don't want to do. Besides, I think about gorgeous women about a thousand times more than I think about that stuff…so it's only fitting that they get top billing. Stay classy, Slick City…and all the wonderful people that check in across the globe. Good night…and God bless.

Scotty Doesn't Know!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, shortly after my last post, I got a phone call from Mrs. Wingman around 2:30 AM saying that she was in the emergency room and needed somebody to talk to. "What's going on?" Long story short, due to casino negligence (lawsuit forthcoming?), they were trapped in an elevator for over an hour with over twenty other people because the emergency buttons didn't work. They couldn't even call for help. Well, after over an hour in "Hell's 7th ring" they finally got out...but Mr. Wingman wasn't doing too good. Apparently, his speech was slurred and he was having trouble walking. They asked a paramedic if they could get a ride to a hospital...he suggested getting a taxi...and gave them directions to the hospital. So yeah, the way it was explained to me...my Wingman may have had a stroke. Not exactly a great thing to hear at 2:30 in the morning...but I talked with Mrs. Wingman and tried my best to set her at ease. I hope it really worked. I tried to go back to sleep...but it wasn't taking at first. I did get about two hours...then I started getting calls every 10-15 minutes for about three hours...so then I gave up around 10 AM. I did just find out this morning that Mr. Wingman is doing really good. He didn't have a stroke...just a bad MS attack and they should be checking out of the hospital later today if all goes well. I just wanted to get that out of the way so that you guys didn't worry like I did all day yesterday.

As discussed with the Mad Scientist, I'm pretty much done with the month of January (or year of 2008 so far). My job was briefly in jeopardy, a lot of my friends & coworkers are going to be let go, my dad's basement was flooded, my buddy went to the emergency room, friends & their children have been going in for surgery, the Spurs aren't doing so hot, just about the only thing really good was my nephew...and he spent the first week of his life in the NICU. Well, that date the other night was pretty awesome too. I know it could be a lot worse...and thank God that it wasn't...but yeah, I'm done with it. Let's hope February's a lot better. The Fortune Cookie said so.

Anyway, speaking of my nephew, I went and hung out with him and his family yesterday. My brother really wanted somebody to help him out with the kids this weekend & my sister-in-law was hanging out with my mom & aunts for a girl's day out. My niece Kairi was her usual adorable self. She was even singing along with us while playing Rock Band. Sure, she wasn't exactly making real words except for the occasional "Daddy, daddy, daddy" but it was still extremely cute. See, even when she's with my brother, she's cute.

My nephew slept most of the time...but that's good. No matter how much it frustrated my mom that she couldn't play with him. She tried to casually wake him a few times...but that kid slept through us playing Rock Band...so I'm fairly certain he can sleep through just about anything right now. I got to hold him a bit and he stared me down pretty good a few times. He eased up on me once I started feeding him. He definitely has my brother's eyes. Just a little darker blue right now...so they actually look more like mine...but yeah, he's gonna be a stud.


Let's see. We also watched "Eurotrip" which is a silly stupid movie about teenagers going across Europe. It starts out that a guy has a German penpal named Mike...and after getting dumped by his girlfriend (Kristin Kreuk), finding she's been cheating on him with a rocker Matt Damon, and getting trashed...he returns to find an email from his penpal saying how they'd like to come over and comfort him. He sends an email back saying "Keep your eyes off my junk. I don't swing that way. Etc" then when he sobers up, his little brother explains to him that Mike's apparently a girl's name in Germany. Oh...and she's hot...and she's blocked his email so he can't explain that he was trashed. What does he do? Go to his friend's email and send a message? Of course not, he goes to Europe (with the mystery bucks that he got from somewhere) with his crazy perverted friend...and twins that just happened to be there too. Okay, the plot's a bit of a stretch...but it has it's moments. I hate to admit it...but the main song "Scotty Doesn't Know" is EXTREMELY catchy and I can't wait for it to drop on Rock Band Updates.

Rock Band Updates - They may never need to make another Rock Band game if they keep adding on cool songs like "Gimme Three Steps", "All the Small Things", and some of the others that they have added on at $2 a pop. Millions have sold worldwide already...and about a dozen of them to me personally. Why would they make a new one? Maybe if they added on a keyboard? Tamborine? Washboard? Saxophone...for a Funk Band? That'd be sweet...but not coming any time soon, I would guess.

Chuck's Next Victim - James D. Brasher confessed to opening bank accounts in names similar to that of Chuck Norris' Kick Drugs Out of America Foundation. He then fraudulently endorsed checks totaling over $130,000 sent to the foundation and deposited them into his own accounts, using the money to pay his debts and living expenses. Brasher is set to be sentenced in April. He faces up to 10 years in prison, a fine of $250,000 and a three-year-term of supervised release. However, if I know Chuck Norris...and I like to think that I do...Mr. Brasher may not make it to sentencing. Justice will be served...with a mighty roundhouse kick and a alfalfa sprout garnish. Bon appetit, bitch.

$teve's New Sexiest Tennis Player - Now, that my grief over the banning & retirement of Martina Hingis has passed, I can scurry to find a new reason to watch tennis. Maria Sharapova won the Australian Open the other day...and congratulations to her...but you are not the sexiest tennis player out there. I'm sorry. I tried...and you're extremely cute...but you're just not for me. However, the woman that you beat in the Australian Open final, that is what I'm talking about...and her name is Ana Ivanovic. She's of Serbian descent, lives in Switzerland (so she speaks German), she's stunningly gorgeous, great smile, extremely fit, and her forehand smash grunt could make the late George Burns stand at attention. I think that I may have found a new reason to watch tennis. Ana, if you're looking for a good guy to ever show you around the States, shoot me an email. It'd be an honor and a priviledge...and I'll cover the check when it comes...though you made over a million dollars last year. That's also kind of hot. Anyway, enjoy the pictures...and keep an eye on your ESPN network for women's tennis. You never know when you'll get lucky.

Awesome!!! She sleeps with a tennis racket too.

Why is that apple so damn appetizing?

Here's a picture of the ceremonial plates of my

affection being presented to both Martina Hingis

and Ana Ivanovic (yes, she's taller too). However,

Ana seems to be a little confused.

"Who is this $teve guy again?"

Anyway, that's really about it for today. I've got laundry to do...then work. Who knows? Maybe I'll get bored later on or something and do one of those crazy quiz things. I'm also hungry. I'll go take care of that...and I'm sure that you're hanging on every word that I'm saying right now...so let me know what's going on in your deck of the woods...and have a great night. I know I will. Peace!!!