Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,
Last night, my Wingman had some family affairs to attend to back home, so I spent the evening...with myself. No big deal at all. I watched "Mr. Woodcock" and I want to save you all two hours by saying that it's not funny...and isn't worth the hassle. Honestly, it didn't even have its moments. Billy Bob Thornton doing his best R. Lee Ermey inpersonation isn't even mildly amusing as he makes fun of fat kids. It's hard to feel for Sean William Scott too...because he's basically a self-righteous jackass who won't stand up for himself...and instead spends all his time & energy on exposing Mr. Woodcock as a jerk instead of making his mom happy, enjoying time with his high school crush, and going on Oprah to talk about his self-help book. Pass. Oh...and they say "Woodcock" more times than the words "The" and "And" combined. I counted. I was bored.
Sarcastic Gasp - The autopsy on the late musician Ike Turner revealed that he died of a cocaine overdose. Sure, the medical examiner's office also listed hypertensive cardiovascular disease and pulmonary emphysema as "significant and contributing factors" to Turner's death but if this is a major shock to ANYBODY who has ever HEARD of Sir Isaac Turner, then you may have him confused with somebody else. If only somebody had predicted this outcome when he died last month. Perhaps the expensive procedure of an autopsy could have been avoided. Oh wait, somebody did. I think everybody did. Please stay away from cocaine. Mr. Turner, I hope that you and your boy Rick James are singing "Love Gravy" when I come through those pearly gates one day...but until then, rock it easy.
When Clowns Cry - Another news flash for that one person that doesn't know, NOBODY LIKES CLOWNS!!! A study by the University of Sheffield found that ALL 250 patients in children's wards, with ages ranging from 4-16, said that they disliked clowns. Can you imagine it? 250 children of varying ages & backgrounds agreeing on one thing? You're bound to at least find one that thought Ike Turner died of natural causes...or that would vote for Hulk Hogan for Prime Minister...or thought that Britney was talented...but all 250 of them agreeing that clowns are horrible? That's amazing!!! Just out of curiousity, do any of you like clowns...or are a clown as a part-time job? I really don't feel one way or the other about clowns...other than using them to my advantage...but I guess this is what it sounds like...when clowns cry.
Swedish Tickler - In the major port city of Goteborg, Sweden, a bomb squad unit was called to disarm a suspicious package. The package was humming and vibrating suspiciously, so police took no chances and sent out a team of explosives experts. After having cordoned off the area, they opened the package with bomb disposal equipment, only to find the battery-operated device inside. It was not a ticking time bomb...but a vibrating sex toy. So instead of explosions at a Scandinavian seaport...it may very well lead to explosions of pleasure in a Norwegian blonde. Nice. Isn't that the overall mission of the United Nations anyway? World peace...and a piece for everyone? Well it should be.
That's a HUGE Rat - Uruguayan scientists say they have uncovered fossil evidence of the biggest species of rodent ever found, one that scurried across wooded areas of South America about 4 million years ago, when the continent was not connected to North America. A herbivore, the beast may have been possibly prey of saber-toothed cats, for a prehistoric version of Tom and Jerry...only larger. Its huge skull, more than 20 inches long, suggested a beast more than eight feet long and weighing between 1,700 and 3,000 pounds. Now those New York rats don't seem so bad, do they? What a time to be alive!!!
What's Blacker Than Black? - U.S. researchers said on Tuesday they have made the darkest material on Earth, a substance so black it absorbs more than 99.9 percent of light. Made from tiny tubes of carbon standing on end, this material is almost 30 times darker than a carbon substance used by the U.S. National Institute of Standards and Technology as the current benchmark of blackness. The material is close to the long-sought ideal black, which could absorb all colors of light and reflect none. What uses does it have? Solar paneling to absorb all the light energy, infrared detection, astronomical observation, a really bitchin' Knight Rider car paint job, and it keeps Wesley Snipes out of the Guinness Book of World Records. Sorry, Mr. Snipes.
It's Dark...and Hell Is Hot - Speaking of darkness, Dark Man X a.k.a. DMX a.k.a. Earl Simmons was ordered to pay $1.5 million to the mother of his child after the rapper-actor-dogfight organizer failed to appear in court to defend himself against allegations of defamation. Defamation? From a rapper? Surely you jest. However, it's not from any of his album referring to her in a negative slanderous tone...but rather from an incident where he told a magazine that his baby mama RAPED HIM during a 2003 hotel stay leading to her pregnancy. Okay, Mr. Simmons. I loved your first few albums...and I respect that you were the first artist to have your first two albums debut at Number One on the charts (look it up, I'm right), but what happened? Allegedly you found Jesus, then you're "raped" at a Maryland hotel...by a woman, then you get involved with the dogfighting ring, now you don't even show up to a hearing for a $6 million lawsuit? You didn't even have a lawyer show up for you...and he won't return calls? What the hell? Unless you're both using medicinal crack or something, this doesn't make sense. I think it's time for an intervention. Anyway, good luck with paying your legal fees. If you need somebody to talk to, get at me dogg. Now to a movie list...
Science Fiction Movies - My bloggin' buddy Pirate Monkey did one last week that was creepily similar to what mine would be...had I done one before...so here's the official $teve list. Kudos to P. Monkey!!! Check out her blog...and Scream Review, it's pretty good.
Medal Winners
Gold - Aliens (1986) - I've talked about this one a few times...and the original Alien (directed by Ridley Scott) is a classic in sci-fi horror suspense. You don't even see the Alien until it comes bursting out of a victim's chest. However, I like this second one more...because there's a lot of guns, explosions, deaths, and badassery throughout. There's really not much that I can say that hasn't been sung by critics and fans alike. James Cameron made a good movie...and check out the extended edition if you ever get the chance. There's a few scenes in there that I particularly liked.
Silver - Blade Runner (1982) - Ridley Scott gets another mention because of this great movie starring Harrison Ford, Sean Young, Rutger Hauer, Edward James Olmos, James Hong, and Daryl Hannah among others. In a cyberpunk vision of the future, man has developed the technology to create replicants, human clones used to serve in the colonies outside Earth but with fixed lifespans. In Los Angeles, 2019, Deckard (Ford) is a Blade Runner, a cop who specializes in terminating replicants. Originally in retirement, he is forced to re-enter the force when six replicants escape from an off world colony to Earth. It's suspenseful, state-of-the-art graphics for early 80's.
Bronze - The Fifth Element (1997) - Are you guys sick of me mentioning this movie yet? Don't blame me. Blame Luc Besson. He's the guy that directed this incredible movie...and cast Milla Jovovich as the Perfect Being...and got Bruce Willis & Gary Oldman to star in it. Take it up with him. In the meantime, just enjoy this great movie in the privacy of your own home...as I do...usually every few months...or whenever I see it flipping through the channels on the weekends. Thank you TBS. Between this, the Matrix, Lord of the Rings, and Con Air, your station is set for life.
Suggestion - 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) - Directed by Stanley Kubrick and it's an odd twisted look at the year 2001 from 33 years earlier. The images are trippy. There's a great feel of isolation and suspense...with that being said, if you're looking for a shoot 'em up kind of movie, pass on this one. It's about 3 hours long & kind of slow...but it builds up to an amazing ending. Also, since this is such a spectacular category, be sure to check out some of my other favorites like "Virtuosity" (1995) with Denzel as a cop & Russell Crowe as a super serial murderer program come to life...and "Serenity" (2005), the big screen adaptation of the ubercool TV series "Firefly" starring everybody's favorite TV Terminator, Summer Glau.
Flush It - Event Horizon (1997) - Have you ever been watching a movie...and thought to yourself (or yelled to the rest of the group watching it), "Did this movie really need to be made?" That was my reaction to this movie. It looked like a trippy 2001 Space Odyssey kind of movie...isolated in the middle of space, the ship turns on them, they struggle to escape...but are surrounded by the endless void of Space Death. Oh but wait...they found a way to go straight to HELL on this ship...and all the super cool special effects are to show grisly and horrible deaths. Awesome...but not really. I also really didn't like the remake of "War of the Worlds" (2005) with Tom Cruise...or really anything that Tommy's done in a while. Many of you who know me personally have seen my Tom Cruise acting impersonation...where I look up (because I'm 4'8" in real life), looked surprised, and run around. No love for the movie at all. I was actually cheering for the aliens to find him...and when they did I stood up & cheered. "FINALLY!!!" On the Spielberg note, I thought that "A.I." (2001) sucked too. How can you screw up a movie with Sexbots? Oh, I know...make it about a little kid robot who whines a bunch and sees dead people. That oughta do it. Honestly, I didn't even finish watching it. I stopped after two hours of pointless nothing. Who cares if the robot can feel? Does that make me an insensitive prick for saying that? Maybe I'm a robot. Movie sucked.
Future Watch - 10,000 B.C. (2008) - Not really a futuristic sci-fi movie like all of these other movies...but still a great science fiction movie...and besides Omar Sharif ("Dr. Zhivago") is in it. Cavemen, sabre-toothed tigers, wooly mammoths, hunters, tribal conflict, Roland Emmerich directing ("Independence Day"), what's not to like? Well, maybe if it's in subtitled Caveman language or something...but hopefully they don't do that. Fingers crossed. Oh...and I'm not excited about the upcoming Star Trek movie in case you were wondering. That's why it's not here in Future Watch. Maybe I would be if I had seen more of the first dozen or so...but I haven't. Oh well. No Shatner + No Stewart = No Care.
Have a great day everybody!!! See ya tomorrow!!!
Last night, my Wingman had some family affairs to attend to back home, so I spent the evening...with myself. No big deal at all. I watched "Mr. Woodcock" and I want to save you all two hours by saying that it's not funny...and isn't worth the hassle. Honestly, it didn't even have its moments. Billy Bob Thornton doing his best R. Lee Ermey inpersonation isn't even mildly amusing as he makes fun of fat kids. It's hard to feel for Sean William Scott too...because he's basically a self-righteous jackass who won't stand up for himself...and instead spends all his time & energy on exposing Mr. Woodcock as a jerk instead of making his mom happy, enjoying time with his high school crush, and going on Oprah to talk about his self-help book. Pass. Oh...and they say "Woodcock" more times than the words "The" and "And" combined. I counted. I was bored.
Sarcastic Gasp - The autopsy on the late musician Ike Turner revealed that he died of a cocaine overdose. Sure, the medical examiner's office also listed hypertensive cardiovascular disease and pulmonary emphysema as "significant and contributing factors" to Turner's death but if this is a major shock to ANYBODY who has ever HEARD of Sir Isaac Turner, then you may have him confused with somebody else. If only somebody had predicted this outcome when he died last month. Perhaps the expensive procedure of an autopsy could have been avoided. Oh wait, somebody did. I think everybody did. Please stay away from cocaine. Mr. Turner, I hope that you and your boy Rick James are singing "Love Gravy" when I come through those pearly gates one day...but until then, rock it easy.
When Clowns Cry - Another news flash for that one person that doesn't know, NOBODY LIKES CLOWNS!!! A study by the University of Sheffield found that ALL 250 patients in children's wards, with ages ranging from 4-16, said that they disliked clowns. Can you imagine it? 250 children of varying ages & backgrounds agreeing on one thing? You're bound to at least find one that thought Ike Turner died of natural causes...or that would vote for Hulk Hogan for Prime Minister...or thought that Britney was talented...but all 250 of them agreeing that clowns are horrible? That's amazing!!! Just out of curiousity, do any of you like clowns...or are a clown as a part-time job? I really don't feel one way or the other about clowns...other than using them to my advantage...but I guess this is what it sounds like...when clowns cry.Swedish Tickler - In the major port city of Goteborg, Sweden, a bomb squad unit was called to disarm a suspicious package. The package was humming and vibrating suspiciously, so police took no chances and sent out a team of explosives experts. After having cordoned off the area, they opened the package with bomb disposal equipment, only to find the battery-operated device inside. It was not a ticking time bomb...but a vibrating sex toy. So instead of explosions at a Scandinavian seaport...it may very well lead to explosions of pleasure in a Norwegian blonde. Nice. Isn't that the overall mission of the United Nations anyway? World peace...and a piece for everyone? Well it should be.
That's a HUGE Rat - Uruguayan scientists say they have uncovered fossil evidence of the biggest species of rodent ever found, one that scurried across wooded areas of South America about 4 million years ago, when the continent was not connected to North America. A herbivore, the beast may have been possibly prey of saber-toothed cats, for a prehistoric version of Tom and Jerry...only larger. Its huge skull, more than 20 inches long, suggested a beast more than eight feet long and weighing between 1,700 and 3,000 pounds. Now those New York rats don't seem so bad, do they? What a time to be alive!!!
What's Blacker Than Black? - U.S. researchers said on Tuesday they have made the darkest material on Earth, a substance so black it absorbs more than 99.9 percent of light. Made from tiny tubes of carbon standing on end, this material is almost 30 times darker than a carbon substance used by the U.S. National Institute of Standards and Technology as the current benchmark of blackness. The material is close to the long-sought ideal black, which could absorb all colors of light and reflect none. What uses does it have? Solar paneling to absorb all the light energy, infrared detection, astronomical observation, a really bitchin' Knight Rider car paint job, and it keeps Wesley Snipes out of the Guinness Book of World Records. Sorry, Mr. Snipes.
It's Dark...and Hell Is Hot - Speaking of darkness, Dark Man X a.k.a. DMX a.k.a. Earl Simmons was ordered to pay $1.5 million to the mother of his child after the rapper-actor-dogfight organizer failed to appear in court to defend himself against allegations of defamation. Defamation? From a rapper? Surely you jest. However, it's not from any of his album referring to her in a negative slanderous tone...but rather from an incident where he told a magazine that his baby mama RAPED HIM during a 2003 hotel stay leading to her pregnancy. Okay, Mr. Simmons. I loved your first few albums...and I respect that you were the first artist to have your first two albums debut at Number One on the charts (look it up, I'm right), but what happened? Allegedly you found Jesus, then you're "raped" at a Maryland hotel...by a woman, then you get involved with the dogfighting ring, now you don't even show up to a hearing for a $6 million lawsuit? You didn't even have a lawyer show up for you...and he won't return calls? What the hell? Unless you're both using medicinal crack or something, this doesn't make sense. I think it's time for an intervention. Anyway, good luck with paying your legal fees. If you need somebody to talk to, get at me dogg. Now to a movie list...Science Fiction Movies - My bloggin' buddy Pirate Monkey did one last week that was creepily similar to what mine would be...had I done one before...so here's the official $teve list. Kudos to P. Monkey!!! Check out her blog...and Scream Review, it's pretty good.
Medal Winners
Gold - Aliens (1986) - I've talked about this one a few times...and the original Alien (directed by Ridley Scott) is a classic in sci-fi horror suspense. You don't even see the Alien until it comes bursting out of a victim's chest. However, I like this second one more...because there's a lot of guns, explosions, deaths, and badassery throughout. There's really not much that I can say that hasn't been sung by critics and fans alike. James Cameron made a good movie...and check out the extended edition if you ever get the chance. There's a few scenes in there that I particularly liked.
Silver - Blade Runner (1982) - Ridley Scott gets another mention because of this great movie starring Harrison Ford, Sean Young, Rutger Hauer, Edward James Olmos, James Hong, and Daryl Hannah among others. In a cyberpunk vision of the future, man has developed the technology to create replicants, human clones used to serve in the colonies outside Earth but with fixed lifespans. In Los Angeles, 2019, Deckard (Ford) is a Blade Runner, a cop who specializes in terminating replicants. Originally in retirement, he is forced to re-enter the force when six replicants escape from an off world colony to Earth. It's suspenseful, state-of-the-art graphics for early 80's.
Bronze - The Fifth Element (1997) - Are you guys sick of me mentioning this movie yet? Don't blame me. Blame Luc Besson. He's the guy that directed this incredible movie...and cast Milla Jovovich as the Perfect Being...and got Bruce Willis & Gary Oldman to star in it. Take it up with him. In the meantime, just enjoy this great movie in the privacy of your own home...as I do...usually every few months...or whenever I see it flipping through the channels on the weekends. Thank you TBS. Between this, the Matrix, Lord of the Rings, and Con Air, your station is set for life.
Suggestion - 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) - Directed by Stanley Kubrick and it's an odd twisted look at the year 2001 from 33 years earlier. The images are trippy. There's a great feel of isolation and suspense...with that being said, if you're looking for a shoot 'em up kind of movie, pass on this one. It's about 3 hours long & kind of slow...but it builds up to an amazing ending. Also, since this is such a spectacular category, be sure to check out some of my other favorites like "Virtuosity" (1995) with Denzel as a cop & Russell Crowe as a super serial murderer program come to life...and "Serenity" (2005), the big screen adaptation of the ubercool TV series "Firefly" starring everybody's favorite TV Terminator, Summer Glau.
Flush It - Event Horizon (1997) - Have you ever been watching a movie...and thought to yourself (or yelled to the rest of the group watching it), "Did this movie really need to be made?" That was my reaction to this movie. It looked like a trippy 2001 Space Odyssey kind of movie...isolated in the middle of space, the ship turns on them, they struggle to escape...but are surrounded by the endless void of Space Death. Oh but wait...they found a way to go straight to HELL on this ship...and all the super cool special effects are to show grisly and horrible deaths. Awesome...but not really. I also really didn't like the remake of "War of the Worlds" (2005) with Tom Cruise...or really anything that Tommy's done in a while. Many of you who know me personally have seen my Tom Cruise acting impersonation...where I look up (because I'm 4'8" in real life), looked surprised, and run around. No love for the movie at all. I was actually cheering for the aliens to find him...and when they did I stood up & cheered. "FINALLY!!!" On the Spielberg note, I thought that "A.I." (2001) sucked too. How can you screw up a movie with Sexbots? Oh, I know...make it about a little kid robot who whines a bunch and sees dead people. That oughta do it. Honestly, I didn't even finish watching it. I stopped after two hours of pointless nothing. Who cares if the robot can feel? Does that make me an insensitive prick for saying that? Maybe I'm a robot. Movie sucked.
Future Watch - 10,000 B.C. (2008) - Not really a futuristic sci-fi movie like all of these other movies...but still a great science fiction movie...and besides Omar Sharif ("Dr. Zhivago") is in it. Cavemen, sabre-toothed tigers, wooly mammoths, hunters, tribal conflict, Roland Emmerich directing ("Independence Day"), what's not to like? Well, maybe if it's in subtitled Caveman language or something...but hopefully they don't do that. Fingers crossed. Oh...and I'm not excited about the upcoming Star Trek movie in case you were wondering. That's why it's not here in Future Watch. Maybe I would be if I had seen more of the first dozen or so...but I haven't. Oh well. No Shatner + No Stewart = No Care.Have a great day everybody!!! See ya tomorrow!!!
6 comments:
$teve- Thanks for stopping by Social Zymurgy as well as the movie advice. I was tempted to see Mr. Woodcoock. I won't now. In the first post of yours I have read I see three of my all time favorite movies: Aliens, The Fifth Element, and my all time favorite sci-fi flick, Bladerunner. The movie poster hangs in my lodge where I do all my writing. It seems you and I share similiar tastes. I look forward to reading your blog regularly.
Doc
Thanks Doc!!! I look forward to hearing (reading) from you.
1. I fear that Mr. Woodcock is one of the movies that my wife will make me watch to torture me.
2. I think that rat is also known as the Cloverfield Rat.
3. I have to admit, I love Event Horizon. I would say guilty pleasure, but I feel no guilt about it at all, as opposed to, say, Ghosts of Mars. But if you kind of like the idea of EH, but without the Hell and supernatural, and a little more realistic, I recommend Danny Boyle's Sunshine. My friend (who hated EH) told me it was everything that he was hoping EH would be when it came out. But it is a pretty good movie, if nothing else visually awesome.
Woo hoo for sci-fi! I thought of another good one: Starship Troopers. Giant bugs...mmmmm...
Sunshine, eh? I may have to check that out. Thanks for the suggestion. Yeah, Ghost of Mars was considered too...but I had mentioned it last week in a Jason Statham list. I like to keep things fresh...but yeah... :)
Honestly...I like Starship Troopers too. I haven't seen the sequel...but that's definitely my guilty pleasure in the sci-fi genre.
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