Rock & Roll's Christmas

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

First off, I'd like to wish a happy 73rd birthday to Mr. Elvis Aaron Presley!!! Now, he has been mentioned a few times on this blog. Whether it's my trip to Graceland, a shout out on the 30th anniversary of his death, a friendly comparison with the likes of the Beatles for Rock & Roll supremacy, or the crime of passion conspiracy of his untimely demise, you can easily realize that a big fanatical spider that appreciates the King's work resides within this space of the worldwide web. It was on this day in 1935 that Vernon & Gladys Presley gave birth to a set of twins in Tupelo, Mississippi. Unfortunately, Elvis' twin brother Jessie Garon Presley was stillborn…leaving Elvis to grow up as an only child. Hmm, imagine if circumstances were a little different…and Jessie & Elvis formed the Gospel act, The Presley Brothers. You know, Elvis had deep Gospel roots. That's how he won his three Grammys…was with Gospel records. The King of Rock may never have been. It just goes to show, in an obscure way, that tragedies can often lead to something great and unexpected. Anyway, for a complete biography of everybody's favorite hillbilly heartthrob, you can access this link…but most of you probably know the important stuff anyway and have vast collections of memorabilia and recordings. Happy Birthday Elvis!!! "Thank you very much…"



So, I watched a few minutes of American Gladiators yesterday during my lunch break…and it was just as expected, quite possibly the guiltiest of horrible television pleasures EVER…and now with wet spandex thanks to the safety mats being replaces with tanks of water filled with bloodthirsty barracuda…minus the fish. Honestly, my favorite part was listening to Jeff after he had made it to the top of the Wall. "Great job, Jeff!!! How did you do it?" "Well, I just remembered back home as a kid when my mom would chase me with her belt and I'd run up the tree as fast as I could." That's great. All you moms out there that feel bad about chasing your kids around with belts…or telling them to "Go cut mommy a switch" just remember those inspiring words from Jeff…and one day, your child may be an American Gladiator champion.



Here are some other training suggestions:

• The Gauntlet - Have your kid run across a busy street to retrieve their dinner…or pending you don't have a busy street in your deck of the woods, have them run across a field with a few angry bulls


• The Assault - Sit on your roof and toss apples at your children as they hide behind various car parts scattered over the front yard. They can return fire with any acorns they find…but no rocks…because that'll break the plastic on the windows.


• Hang Tough - Hook a two-cycle engine to your ceiling fan, reinforce with duct tape, and see how long they can hold on. You may want to box & hide your Dale Earnhardt commemorative plate collection.


• Joust - Baseball bat fight while balancing on milk crates. Helmets are for wimps.


• Eliminator (The Final Test) - When you think your child may be ready for the big time, send them to the crazy neighbor's house with orders to impregnate their daughter, and if they can make it back to your home through the obstacle course that you've arranged…before Old Man Weston wields his brand of justice…then they are an American Gladiator. For female competitors, you would have to tackle the man that impregnated you after giving them a 10-Mississippi head start.
  

Movie Night Thursday - As usual, around ten o'clock at night…and the movie is up for debate. Come one, come all!!! Suggestions are always welcome as well. Now for your local news…

Does Size Really Matter? Yes!!! - Ladies & Gentlemen, I have a large television screen…or rather, a wall that I project my viewing pleasure upon. Japanese electronic conglomerate Matsushita introduced a 150-inch plasma television…or basically the size of NINE 50-inch plasma screens. This is nearly double any previous screen and will set the new benchmark from which cribs can now be "pimped" on MTV. However, the greatest thing about this television is that the resolution is four times better than 1080i. For example, during the presentation, they pointed out that you could actually see pieces of orange chicken as they were pumped through the arteries of the yokozuna champion Katsumara Yamamoto. Also, when the two sumo wrestlers collided, half of the audience was in a trance from their hypnotic rolling motion…and only when the crackling of a well-placed squirrel tap helped the champion gain the upper hand, was the audience from of the spell. Now that's entertainment. Now, I know you're asking "Where can I get one?" Well, they won't hit the market until 2009…and the price was not disclosed…but I’m guess one or more of your testicles. You still have a year to make yourself an heir…to your family name…and this television. One thing is for sure...porn will never be the same. "Oh my God, it looks like a walk-in humidor!!!"

Even Dr. Phil Can't Help You? - Television personality Dr. Phil McGraw cancelled plans to have an hour-long show dedicated to examining Britney Spears' latest meltdown after her highly publicized custody battle (where only one moron can lose) resulted in K-Fed getting the kids and Britney being hospitalized after a standoff with police. Dr. Phil was quoted as saying her situation was "too intense" to go on with the show. He then referred to the Grand Canyon as a pothole. Look, probably the last thing the world needs is Britney Spears on television…and I'm anxiously awaiting Jamie Lynn's appearance on Montel to find out who the baby daddy is…but if Dr. Phil doesn’t want to give you his opinion…on national television…then you may want to completely reevaluate your world from top to bottom. Hopefully this latest devastating blow to her life will help her to clean up so that she can get her life on track and be with her children. I'm also hoping that she never considers a performing career again. Not because I don't think she'd be any good…but I'd like to see her go the way of former pop princess Debbie Gibson and just fade away gracefully. What was that? Debbie Gibson is going to be on "Deal or No Deal"? Oh sorry, Deborah Gibson is going to be on "Deal or No Deal"? (Deep sigh) Okay…in that case, do what you want to do Britney…but please consider a life out of the public eye…and for God's sake please take Lindsey Lohan with you too. She's slowly slipping completely outside of her mind…and she's not returning my text messages. Something about not getting service in Italy or something...

GQ Interviews Hugo Chavez - The British edition of GQ (Gentlemen's Quarterly) magazine sent 37-year old supermodel Naomi Campbell to interview Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Campbell asked hard-hitting & provocative questions like "Who is the most stylish world leader?" "Fidel, of course! His uniform is impeccable. His boots are polished. His beard is elegant." She also asked if the socialist dictator would pose topless for photos like Russian President Vladimir Putin did several months ago. "Why not? Touch my muscles!" It just goes to show, if you want great journalism without making the interviewee cry, don't send Barbara Walters, send in Naomi Campbell. She ended the interview with "President Chavez, did you know that my name is 'I Moan' backwards?" "Really? That is amazing."

New Bond Girls - The 22nd movie based on the true story of British special agent James Percival Bond has recently started filming in London…and after much speculation about who will play James' love interest(s), there is finally some answers…sort of. British actress Gemma Arterton and Ukrainian model-thespian Olga Kurylenko will play those interests. If you're anything like me, you may be asking yourself "Who the f**k are these hotties & what are their phone numbers?" Well, I am obviously unaware of their cellular digits…but Gemma played a naughty schoolgirl on the British comedy "St. Trinian's" and Olga played the hottie role on the movies "Hitman" and "Paris, je t'aime" this last year. Other than that, their pictures are on the left. With any luck, there will be some serious Bond-age in this next superspy movie. They're not exactly Halle Berry or Famke Janssen…but they'll do…for now.

Well, that's really about it for today, I think. Not much else going on...except Bubbles says she's going to read my fortune again using her tarot cards...so I have that to look forward to. My brother's family is still doing fine...and apparently somebody planted a hot dog on my boss' keyboard last night...so I was obviously questioned about it. I didn't do it...but I kind of wish that I had. It's just so...spontaneous & silly. I did kind of doze off for a while. Do you think I did some sleepdogging or something? I'm thinking it was the Ghost of Elvis getting a brother's back. Maybe it was both of the Presley brothers...that'd be a heartwarming little Disney tale. Patent pending y'all. "The Presley Brothers" starring Matthew McConaughey as Elvis & Luke Wilson as Jessie. Quick, I need a writer to help me out. Oh yeah, I forgot. Nevermind. It can wait. Have a great day everybody!!!