Some reassuring news in the Love life. No, I haven't met anybody new. No, Maya hasn't called me...and based on recently disclosed information, probably never will. Her loss. Foxy? Nope. Chances are she has completely forgotten me (and possibly how to blink without looking at her hand for notes). No, my good news is far more speculative than anything like that. High Priestess Bubbles gave me a psychic reading on my Love life last night...and here's what I remember.Past - Possession - Apparently I was a little greedy and just tried to amass as women as possible (tried...and failed horribly) or it means that I was too focused on my possessions. I'm not a High Priest. I have no idea exactly what it means.
Present - Ruin - You think? Yeah, this wasn't really a surprise at all. I was guessing the Tower Card...but this is close enough. This means that a lot of things are falling apart and past beliefs are crumbling...but you will build new ones.
Future - Queen of Hearts - Oh yeah!!! I shall meet up with a Queen of Hearts who will is often a healer or psychic and will make my dreams come true...and being of Hearts, you can probably guess that it's concerning romance, psychic powers, or the growth of a family. Here's a little ditty from the website about her: "Affectionate and loving, she is a "mom's mom" always there to hug, heal and bake cookies for her children. Her intuition is uncanny, her temper...well, it runs very deep and you don't ever want it turned against you. Talk about scary. Unfortunately, this is also a queen who can suffer from female hormonal problems, depression, moodiness, alcoholism, drug addiction, psychological problems." Interesting.
Fly the Freaky Skies - A German travel agency Ossi-Urlaub is taking reservations for a trail day trip from the eastern German town of Erfurt to the popular Baltic Sea resort of Usedom planned for July 5th. The twist is that it is a nudist celebration flight. Naturism, or "free body culture" FKK as it is known in Germany, was banned by the Nazis but blossomed again after World War II. The 55-passenger flight will require all passengers to be fully clothed in the airports and during boarding and unboarding…but when the doors are closed, the freaks come out. The trip costs 499 Euros (about US$735) but there's plenty of Schnitzel and Erdbeerbowle for everybody. Director Enrico Hess was quoted as saying "I wish I could say we thought of it ourselves but the idea came from a customer. It's an unusual gap in the market. (Was that a pun? Did that deserve a rim shot?) I don't want people to get the wrong idea. It's not that we're starting a swinger club in mid-air or something like that. We're a perfectly normal holiday company." You know what? I'm going to take it one step further when I start my own travel agency. Over the past few days, I've talked about the Mile High Club & Sky High Club…but watch out for the Mid-Air Swingers Club. Honestly, I'd prefer a flight where the stewardesses are in those Bavarian beer babe outfits rather than bucky naked. "Excuse me, Miss. I seem to have dropped my pen. Would you mind getting that for me? JESUS!!! Something winked at me!!!"
Rights for All Women…and Their Twins - Forty years after feminists threatened to burn their bras, British women have won another battle in the fight for equality. Asda, Britian's equivalent of Wal-Mart, says it will no longer charge women more for bigger bras in its George fashion range. Brand director Fiona Lambert (a.k.a. B-cup?) said, "We're putting an end once and for all to one of the last prejudices -- that of the bigger-busted woman. From now on, all bras at George will be exactly the same price from A cup through to F cup." Don't worry Jules, I'm sure they have H cups the same price too. The girls will be taken care of…even overseas. Now, many of you know…that I have a passion for chesticles of all size, curvature, and squeezability. Which reminds me, get routine mammograms…or ask your friends for help…preferably the dudes. They'll buy you dinner after helping you. Anyway, what was my point? Oh yeah, I don't know exactly what prejudice she was talking about (because sarcasm doesn't show when it's typed out), except perhaps for breast envy (kind of the female Napoleon complex) but the kind of prejudice that goes with having a massive rack…really isn't that bad. Am I wrong? Are there any big-breasted babes out there that feel an extreme prejudice? Perhaps large amounts of attention…but if that's the case, write me a note and we can discuss it privately…over dinner perhaps…this nice Italian place I know downtown that makes this manicotti that…anyway, write me a note. Be proud of your chest, ladies!!! Note: If you ever need to feel good about the girls, just ask any guy to tell you what they think about them. They may ask for a notary writ of permission before responding at work…but they'll gladly tell you…and you'll feel better about them…after possibly being creeped out a little. Just to show how strong of a support of breast awareness I am, here's a picture of me with the world-famous Bubini Twins.
I Am Just Happy To See You - McMinn County (TN) Sheriff's Deputy Rick Shadrick pulled into the church parking lot early Saturday morning after he spotted a car parked near the building. He found 35-year old Jennifer Hunt (sister of Mike) walking from behind the building, where she said she was going to the bathroom. When she was walking to her car to get her ID, a crowbar dropped from her pants. Upon further inspection, she was also in possession of a screwdriver…and the church doors had pry marks. She is currently being held on $2000 bond and being charged with possession of burglary tools. I think the first clue was when she was more than willing to say that she was baking brownies in the church steps…apparently a misunderstanding of when Martin Luther nailed his 95 Theses to the doors of a church on Halloween 1517 (Reformation Day). "Oooh, THESES. That makes more sense, officer." Go ahead and laugh it up…it's a religious poop joke…and one of my favorites. That kind of quick thinking can keep the cops off your tail. And no, I'm not carrying a crow bar. That's all $teve, baby.
Immune to Pain…but Still Looks Like A Penis - Pictured here is not an entirely too vivid picture of Woody McForeskin with Photoshopped teeth but rather a rare animal called the Naked Mole Rat (no relation to the Naked Pole Cat, also mentioned occasionally on this blog with reference to my gentlemen's club visits). These sausage-like creatures live in cramped, oxygen-starved burrows up to six feet deep inside sweet Mother Afrika (sounds a little dirty…but it'll get worse). Truly unique creatures in that they're hairless, cold-blooded, bucktoothed rodents…and they apparently feel no pain…with regards to acid or the sting of chili peppers (so no burning sensation). "They're the nicest, sweetest animals I've ever worked with — they look frightening (compared to a Trouser Snake maybe), but they're very gentle," said neurobiologist Thomas Park. Scientists knew the mole rats were quite sensitive to touch to help replace their almost useless eyes. However, after probing their skin, Park and his colleagues unexpectedly discovered the rodents lacked the chemical Substance P, which causes the feeling of burning pain in mammals. This research may eventually lead to more help with regards to chronic pain in the field of human anatomy…but in the meantime, it hopefully made you giggle with a picture of an odd animal and a slew of double entendres.
Three-Foot Spitting Worm…but Not Another Penis Joke - When taxonomist Frank Smith discovered the giant Palouse earthworm in 1897 by, he described it as "very abundant." Nowadays, however, sightings of the worm are rare. The only recent confirmed worm sighting was made in 2005 by a University of Idaho researcher. Before that, the giant worm had not been spotted in 17 years (John Holmes?). This worm reportedly grows up to three feet long and has a peculiar flowery smell like that of lilac flowers. This cream-colored or pinkish-white worm also lives in permanent burrows and spits at attackers. Steve Paulson, board member of the conservation group Friends of the Clearwater, said "This worm is the stuff that legends and fairy tales are made of." I must have missed that story growing up…you know, the one about the mythical three-foot long, pinkish-white worm named Palouse that saved his people by going deep into the Milky Thy Pass to meet with the wise nymph Kletorus. However, shortly after they met, the nomadic Krabb tribe attacked and he fought them off with powerful lunging attacks and spitting into their eyes. Yet the Krabb people still came in droves…with their fiery pinchers. When it seemed that all hope was lost…and Palouse could spit no more, his sweet scent of lilacs gave Kletorus strength and with a mighty, pass-quaking moan she flooded out the invaders…never to be seen again…and nursed Palouse back to health. Yeah, I must have missed that one. Does anybody have a cigarette?"Monster" Movies - Recommended by the lovely Bone Junior
Medal Winners
Gold - Gremlins (1984-90) - This qualifies because it was released in Germany as "Kleine Monsters" (Little Monsters), so there. Written by Chris Columbus (the director, not the mass murderer), this story of a mystical little furry creature that a boy buys at a local shop…and the three simple rules of upkeep: No water, no food after midnight, and no bright light. When these rules are violated, hellish hysterical mayhem is unleashed on a small Midwestern town…and the sequel takes place in Manhattan. Great flick…starring Corey Feldman and Phoebe Cates. If you haven't seen it already, check it out. It's a hoot and/or holla.
Silver - Monsters, Inc. (2001) - Great Pixar family flick featuring the voices of John Goodman, Billy Crystal, Frank Oz, Jennifer Tilly, John Ratzenberger, James Coburn, Steve Buscemi, Bonnie Hunt, and others about the working class monsters that do their business in the closets and under the beds of our children…and business is good…until one particularly desensitized little girl follows them home. It's a cute, heartwarming tale…and I just realized…that though all these movies have monster in the title, they're not scary at all. Maybe we should look forward to a scary movie with "Monster" in the title.
Bronze - Monster Squad (1987) - Honestly haven't seen this movie in probably twenty years…but it was highly recommended by Bone Junior (and therefore on the way courtesy of Blockbuster) but what I vaguely remember was pretty good. From director Fred Dekker ("Night of the Creeps" & "Robocop 3") and co written with Shane Black ("Lethal Weapon" & "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang"), here's the story. Twelve-year-old Sean Crenshaw and his best friend Patrick are die hard monster fanatics. Along with their friend Horace (nicknamed Fat Kid), junior high tough guy Rudy, Sean's kid sister Phoebe, and little Eugene they come together and talk monsters. But when Dracula, Frankenstein, the Wolf Man, the Gill Man, and the Mummy come to their small town to get an amulet to control the world, Sean leads his friends into action to protect their town from the forces of evil. It's the ultimate nerdy kids against the forces of Evil story. Can't wait to see it again.
Suggestion - My Pet Monster (1986) - This was a straight to VHS kids show that I vaguely remember watching thousands of times as a kid (because it was only like 30-40 minutes long). Basically, a kid goes with his class to a museum and sees a cool creepy statue from an ancient civilization. If I remember right, he's there alone, I think they're struck by lightning and therefore he transforms into a furry pink & purple Monster and has super powers…and growls…and walks really fast…and body slams or something. It's been about twenty years for this one too. I think there's a scientist after him too. Oh yeah, I watched the Saturday morning cartoons, had the plush toy, a few of the children's books, even handed out the Valentines in First Grade.
Flush It - Monster-In-Law (2005) - Watch this movie on a monsoon rainy day on a pirated DVD in China purchased by a hot girl on the trip…and still felt like I had wasted two hours of my life (followed with a pirated copy of "Striptease"). This movie stars J-Lo and Jane Fonda along with…who really cares? The movie sucks. It's a lame romantic comedy with massive amounts of estrogen-induced drama and cattiness thrown in with no humor to help it out. At least J-Lo didn't sing in this movie. I was waiting for a hot, steamy, sweaty catfight between the hardest working ass in show business and Barbarella...but it never happened.
Future Watch - Monster (2003) - The reason that I'm looking forward to the future with this…is because I honestly haven't seen it. "But $teve, it stars Charlize Theron as a bisexual prostitute turned serial killer…and Christina Ricci is her lover? She won the Academy Award for it. How could you have possibly NOT seen this movie?" I was warned. That's why. Never really had an urge to see this movie. It's basically the same reason that I haven't seen "Monster's Ball" (2001) though there's a Halle Berry love scene in it. Taking it from Billy Bob Thornton, she deserved that Oscar too. Too bad it didn't work for Angelina…but then again, that wasn't a movie. I have no reason to watch "Monster House" (2006) but with the nephew & nieces growing up, I may check it out some day. We shall see.Well, I guess that'll do it for today. Sorry for all the genital jokes…but that's where my mind's at…always…and don't try to tell me you weren't thinking the same thing when you saw that Naked Mole Rat thing. Have a great night!!!
2 comments:
Thanks for calling me lovely :)
My pleasure. Thanks for being lovely! :)
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