Full Moon Funky

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

Today is a great day…because my nephew is home & doing well, the sky is clear and beautiful (and chilly), images of Jessica Alba filled my dreams (watched "Good Luck Chuck" last night, it's exactly what you'd expect…funny & overblown), and tonight after work, I get to hang with my Wingman as he'll be in town for the next few days. We'll probably crack back some Hornsby's Crisp Apple Cider premium malt beverages, catch up on the goings on, discuss the disastrous house market, watch some "Girls Gone Wild" videos, make a few 4 AM prank calls from a payphone, get some chicken wings at a strip club, who knows? We're men. Wingmen. The world is our urinal. Then next week, Mrs. Wingman will be in town too…so that's when we'll go shopping and talk about the five kids and catch up on the town gossip and whatnot. Tonight's to get all that other stuff out of the way. Good times.

As you may be aware, I am glad that "A Daily Show with Jon Stewart" and "The Colbert Report" are back on the air. Not because it's good to see another Steve getting that phat corporate check and spread his views on national television (hint hint Colbert, hook a fellow $teve up) but because I can finally catch up on my daily dose of news & current events. Sure, the first part of the writer's strike happened when I was in Europe, so I was fully aware of the political craziness that is Pakistan and the conflict between Musharraf & Bhutto (Bhutto since then assassinated)…and all the other international news that will depress you even more than your local news…but I like my current events served to me with a punch line. Most of their talk has been about the writer's strike…and with good reason because it's good material…but luckily they find a few nuggets that they can actually comment about without writing it down first. It's a valiant effort to make a buck. Sure, you may call them scabs for working during a strike…and Bill O'Reilly can suck it easy for his comments about their broadcast. "They even have trouble finding the right cameras." I believe Mr. Colbert said it best into the wrong camera, "F**k you, old man!!! Oops, busted." Anyway, check out the new shows on Comedy Central if you get the chance. They're actually just as funny as before…without a lot of the fluff. Now for the news...

Baseball Hall of Fame Gets Goosed - While most of what I talk about baseball is about the steroid issue or how it helps me to extend my sexual performance, this time it's about the Hall of Fame inducting free-spirited icon, legendary relief pitcher, and moustache aficionado Rich "Goose" Gossage. He played in an era of baseball during the 70's and 80's when relief pitchers didn't just come in for the last two batters to get a save…but usually played 2-3 innings at least in order to seal the deal. The future of the Hall of Fame may be in jeopardy…but there is no doubt that Goose was NOT using performance enhancing drugs…unless maybe Bigsby's moustache wax gave his fastball that extra umph. Now, he lives in Colorado Springs promoting youth athletic programs and has a baseball complex in his honor. Congratulations, Mr. Gossage!!!

Columbus: Discovery, Genocide, & Syphilis - As many of you know, Columbus Day is my least favorite holiday for many, many, many reasons. Banks are closed, busy furniture stores, the fact that I hasn't born in Prague and have a REAL sexy accent instead of an impressive fake one, kids running around freely & not being educated, and the celebration of the man who led to the genocide of two continents…but now, add to the list the celebration of the man who brought syphilis to the Old World. New genetic evidence supports the theory that Christopher Columbus brought syphilis to Europe from the New World. They said a genetic analysis of the syphilis family tree reveals that its closest relative was a South American cousin that causes yaws, an infection caused by a sub-species of the same bacteria. Now Europeans (even Spanish & Portuguese who love this guy) can throw him into the Nautical Hall of Shame with other infamous explorers as Commandant William J. Chlamydia, Conquistador Francisco Gonorrhea, and Captain James T. Krabbs.

Fragrant Exhaust? - General Motors (the U.S. automobile company, not the pioneering U.S. 4-star general that invented "Motorboating") announced plans on making biofuel with garbage at the cost of less than a dollar. They have partnered with Coskata Inc. to develop a way to make ethanol from practically any renewable source, including old tires (isn't that mostly petroleum anyway?) and plant waste. The process is a significant improvement over corn-base ethanol because it uses far less water and energy and does not divert food into fuel. That is…until they find a way to recycle my processed food into a methane based fuel…but that may be years down the road. I love the new hybrid cars…and would gladly own one. However, until I get that major hook up from Stephen Colbert or something, it's a little out of my tax bracket. Do I care about the reduction in speed and power? Not at all. I have had too many speeding tickets over the years anyway. It'll save me even more money. As for power, He-Man doesn't know what he's talking about…because I HAVE THE POWER. Do I care that there are only a handful of Ethanol fuel pumps along the Wasatch Front? Not at all. I can go to Vegas on a quarter-tank, right? Does that mean I would give away my gas-guzzling 1969 Pontiac LeMans "Baby" muscle car? F**k no!!! It just means that I'll save a little money driving around town compared to my Poor Man's Maybach. Honestly though, wouldn't the exhaust from that biofuel smell like hot liquid garbage? Maybe they'll mix in some Febreeze with it or something. Or that OxyClean stuff that the bearded wrestler guy sells. That might work. I can see the Chevron commercials now. "Ethanol Biofuel with Techron…and Pine-Sol"

I Spit Hot Fire!!! - A 56-year old German man was having a cigarette while watching TV when he felt a parched throat. He reached for his bottle of beer…took a swig…realized it was GASOLINE…and promptly spit it out. Unfortunately, the highly-flammable spit hit his lit cigarette…and ignited, giving him serious burns, and setting his apartment ablaze. The moral of this story: Don't set your beer next on the same end table or TV dinner tray as your spare bottle of gasoline, butane, or any other flammable liquid.

Talk About Shooting Your Load - Way down in Kokomo (Indiana), a man carrying a semiautomatic handgun attempted to rob the Village Pantry demanding cash and a pack of cigarettes. The clerk put the cash in a bag and as she turned to get the cigarettes, she heard the gun discharge. Police say surveillance video shows the man shooting himself as he placed the gun in the waistband of his pants. The clerk wasn't injured. A short time later, police found Derrick Kosch, 25, at a home with a gunshot wound to his right testicle and lower left leg. He was expected to have surgery at a hospital. Next time any of you think that robbing a convenience store, bakery, bank, or anything of that sort…remember this tale…and there's a reason they call it a Safety. I'm sure this video's on YouTube…and therefore hilarious…so let me know if you find it.

"Fanboys" May Be Coming Soon - For over a year now, I've been anxiously awaiting this movie that I saw a preview for called "Fanboys" about Star Wars geeks trying to catch a copy of "Episode I: Phantom Menace" before it premieres…originally because their friend had cancer and probably wasn't going to make it to that release date. I know. Depressing, right? That's why it hasn't been released yet…but will be reshot with a difference plot point (probably something like…oh, I don't know…just wanting to see Episode I before everybody else to be the Kings of Cooldom) and released shortly. Being a Level 2 Star Wars Geek myself, I look forward to its release. The trailer looked funny…

Speaking of movies, I think that I very well may have stumbled upon the single greatest movie plot EVER. What is it you ask? Well, it leads me into my next Movie List…

Werewolf Movies

Medal Winners

Gold - Underworld (2003-2006) - The Gold Medal goes to this movie because of Kate Beckinsale. Period. I know it. You know it. Everybody knows it. Best part, she's not even a werewolf. She's a vampire in this movie…and I'd say 80% of it is about vampires…but the werewolves are still pretty badass…and it's my list. Also, in the second one "Underworld: Evolution" or whatever, the hot steamy love scene that I was waiting for…I was too distracted by the fact that Scott Speedman was apparently making sweet love to her knee or upper shin to fully enjoy. My brother (and probably any guy out there) agrees that it was a confusing & poorly planned and/or executed love scene. However, director Len Wiseman's only other movie was "Live Free or Die Hard" so he's an action director. I would probably be a little disturbed of John Woo did a love scene. "Where did those doves come from? Is that a gun? Whatever it is, it's nickel-plated. Is he a robot?"

Silver - American Werewolf in London (1981) - Director John Landis ("Animal House") makes a classic werewolf flick starring David Naughton (The Dr. Pepper commercial guy) and using start of the art makeup (rubber, duct tape, and paper mache) to tell the tale of two Americans visiting London, which is being terrorized by a mythical beast. I've honestly only seen this movie once…and it's 1997 sequel "American Werewolf in Paris" once (Julie Delpy is worth price of rental) but the original is better just from the perspective of kicking back with your friends and enjoying a horror movie. Personally, the scariest John Landis movie that I've ever seen…was Michael Jackson's "Thriller" in 1983. That 17-minute music video really traumatized me, being a two-year old. Thankfully, he's done more comedies than horror flicks though, like "Blues Brothers" & "Trading Place."

Bronze - Wolf (1997) - Jack Nicholson is a werewolf. Michelle Pfeiffer is liquid hot magma. James Spader is his rival. What else do you really need for a good movie? The movie is full of Jack being Jack, double entendres, smooth sultry sexiness, and an occasional bloody slaughter of both beast and man. It's a great movie. Check it out.

Suggestion - Silver Bullet (1985) - This movie creeped me out as a kid as well…but seeing it fairly recently, it's okay. Based on Stephen King's "Cycle of the Werewolf" about a small town terrorized every autumn when the moon is full…by a mysterious killer. Starring Corey Haim as a paralytic boy in a shiny silver wheelchair and Gary Busey as creepy Uncle Red, they set out to stop this killer…or really avoid being the next victim…but yeah, it's good for a laugh or two.

Flush It - Teen Wolf (1985 & 1987) - Michael J. Fox may be able to go through time with the best of them…but he can't play basketball…even when he's half-dog. I do love the Beavers though. The sequel "Teen Wolf Too" with Jason Bateman, unnecessary…because if I remember right, it's the exact same story…just with another TV sitcom heartthrob instead of the Fox. Did it go straight to VHS when it was released? Anyway, not my cup of tea. A werewolf movie should not have a cartoon spin-off on Saturday mornings. I haven't seen this "Cursed" (2005) movie that came out fairly recently…but I'm fairly sure that if I did, it would be a Flush It. The preview was pretty lame…and it's from Wes Craven & Kevin Williamson (Scream trilogy) but it does star superhotties like Portia de Rossi, Shannon Elizabeth, & Mya. Which Mya? "Ghetto Superstar" Mya. Perhaps one day…but I don't anticipate it.

Future Watch - Okay, now the moment you've all been waiting for. The greatest movie plot EVER may be that of "Jack and Diane" (2008) starring Ellen Page ("Juno") & Olivia Thirlby. Here's the plot summary courtesy of IMDB: Jack and Diane, two teenage girls, meet in New York City and spend the night kissing ferociously. Diane's charming innocence quickly begins to open Jack's tough skinned heart. But, when Jack discovers that Diane is leaving the country in a week she tries to push her away. Diane must struggle to keep their love alive while hiding the secret that her newly awakened sexual desire occasionally turns her into a werewolf. That's right. Lesbians, werewolves, New York, John Mellencamp title, the, I smell a great movie. Mmm…and it smells good. "Hoowah!!!" Thank you, Lgt. Colonel Slade. I'm also modestly anticipating the next "Underworld Prequel" (2009) coming out next year (strike willing) and what I hope will be Rob Zombie's next movie, "Werewolf Women of the SS" (2009?) starring Udo Kier, Sheri Moon-Zombie, & Nicolas Cage as Dr. Fu Manchu. That movie would be awesome. Nazis, werewolves, women, Fu Manchu, Mr. Cage's & Mrs. Zombie's infectious laughs, oh yeah. All it needs is a tank or two…and we'd have a good movie. Get back at me, Mr. Zombie. Let me know when that's in the works.

Have a great day everybody!!! Is it a full moon tonight? Better be safe anyway…because the Wingman & I will be on the town. AWOOOOOOOOOH!!!