Shoot 'Em Up

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

A couple of announcements to start things off. First, my buddy Spitso and Soulshakers Entertainment will be performing at the Urban Lounge here in Slick City tomorrow night at 11 PM. If you're interested in some good old-fashioned hippity-hop with a new twist, then this is the show to see. Let me know ahead of time and I can get your name on the List so there's no cover charge.

Secondly, I may be having my nephew a little sooner than previously expected. Originally, he was scheduled to be delivered in mid-February…but my sister-in-law has been having troubles the past few days with contractions…and is on strict bed rest as we speak…except when she goes to the hospital. They're doing fine…so please don't fret over that…but it may be a mid-January delivery now…because little Vinny wants some elbow room. Let this be a warning to anybody who chooses to reproduce with large men like me. Sure, we are the best men that you'll ever find on this planet. We're tall, dark, handsome, sweet, strong, funny, charming, romantic, and passionate…but when you're in the top percentile of size for full-grown human beings…then chances are that your children will be too. However, I am also going to throw in…that they are absolutely gorgeous, gargantuan children. You'll see pictures when Vinny comes out (and hopefully cleaned off first) and your hearts will race…guaranteed. Anyway, say a little prayer for my sister-in-law & my little nephew. Hopefully they'll both make it out of this fully baked.

I Knew It!!! Prostitution is an Instinct!!! - Selling sex is said to be mankind's oldest profession but it may have deep evolutionary roots. According to a study in Singapore, male macaques (pronounced 'Ma-Cock') pay for intercourse by using grooming as a currency towards females. The data says that, on average, females had sex 1.5 times per hour (God, that sounds wonderful) but this rate jumped to 3.5 times per hour (minute monkeys?) immediately after the females had been groomed by a male…and her partner of choice was likely to be a hunky monkey that did the grooming. The study even calculated the currency to a supply & demand scale…where in a populated environment were supply was high, intercourse would 'cost' 8 minutes of grooming. Whereas in an environment where the monkey trim is sparse, it's more around 15 minutes of grooming. This study just takes us one step closer to Singapore's ultimate goal - Proving that all human beings, at least genetically, are whores…so it's okay, right?

Not Just Crazy Cat Ladies: Part 2 - Remember that story a few weeks back where the lady had a few dozen Pomeranians for a dogfighting ring…though she said as pets? No. Well, I'll see if I can link it or something…but this one is REALLY bad. In Bremerton, Washington, a 26-year old man was showering with his 25-year old girlfriend when he had the brilliant idea of his dog joining them. The woman told her boyfriend that if the dog doesn't stay out, she didn't want to be his girlfriend anymore. He replied that maybe his next girlfriend would appreciate the dog more, and called her a name (I'm guessing it rhymed with punt). The police report said the woman punched him in the face several times and the man dislocated his shoulder after the naked couple grappled. He told police his girlfriend threw a picture frame, which broke and cut him. She's being charged with 2nd degree assault and bail is set at $50,000. I'm thinking they'll both have new girlfriends very soon.

How Did This NOT Work? - A Hong Kong karaoke hostess was jailed for three years Wednesday for blackmailing a senior government official by threatening to go public with a steamy videotape. She wanted roughly $75,000 in exchange for her silence…but here's the thing. She goes to jail…because apparently blackmail is illegal (who knew?) and Mr. X (as he's referred to) didn't have to show his face in court, have his identity brought in at all, and his family is none the wiser. Justice? Sure, I'm glad to see the Man finally get way in a courtroom…but I'm a little torn because he had an affair (that apparently lasted several years) and gets away with it Scott-free. By the way, I'm going to have to Google that to find out where that cliché came from. Anyway, just thought I'd share that with you. Blackmail doesn't always work…like it does in the movies. This is what I like to call having your Sake and beating it too. Kudos, Mr. X!!!

How to Blow That Habit - At Baylor University, scientists are working on a cocaine vaccine that they hope will be the first-ever medicine to help counter the drug. Here's how it works. Normally, the immune system is unable to recognize cocaine and other drug molecules because they are so small that they can't make antibodies to fight them. So to help the system, they'd attach inactivated cocaine to the outside of inactivated cholera proteins, helping the antibodies to recognize the potent naked drug when ingested, preventing it from reaching the brain…so nothing happens…and it helps the person to lose interest in ingesting the drug. So…to translate it into something a pervert who has never done cocaine can understand, it's basically like…trying to quit sex…by taking away the orgasm…until you simply don't try anymore. It should be a great way to kick the habit…unless the vaccine is inhaled through the nose or something…but it's still being researched.

Last night, I watched "Shoot 'Em Up" starring Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti, and the Fritalian seductress Monica Bellucci. By the way, did you know that she was one of Dracula's three wives in "Bram Stoker's Dracula"? I must have watched that scene a solid MILLION times (Can you wear out a DVD?) and never said, "Holy scat, that's Monica Bellucci" but apparently, it's true. Anyway, THIS movie "Shoot 'Em Up" is quite possibly the greatest movie that I have seen in a long, long time. It is THE quintessential Shoot 'Em Up movie…specifically & precisely designed, much like a Swiss timepiece, to be the perfect action movie based solely for action. Hundreds of guns, thousands of bullets, witty one-liners with precise deadpan delivery, prostitutes, slightly-insane antagonist with a mysterious past, a baby that needs protection, calculating & ruthless protagonist, muscle cars, action on both ground & air, sacrifice, blood, lots of blood, silly situations, hilarious imagery, and what's the deal with the carrot? Oh yes, a running gag. I can only say that if you appreciate anything that is funny and/or violent and/or sexy (which I'm assuming is everybody out there) then you must see this movie…at least once…but you'll probably want to see it more. This gets my PLATINUM Medal for Shoot 'Em Up Movies. That's right. I gave a new honorary medal to this movie. Why? My blog. I can do what I want…and honestly, I don't think it'll ever topped. Kudos to writer/director Michael Davis for this masterpiece. Not bad for a first big budget movie. Keep 'em coming. Now for the other medals as I deem fitting…

Shoot 'Em Up Movies - Though the criteria is really vague other than there has to be guns involved…here are shoot 'em ups that I deem worthy of a Dr. Mookie Love medal…and as always, explanations as to why. There are many kinds of shoot 'em ups and various differences…but these stand out to me. Remember that "Shoot 'Em Up" gets a Platinum above all these…but it was hard to break down further.

Medal Winners

Gold - Leon, the Professional (1994) - This gets a Gold Medal because if not for "Shoot 'Em Up" this would be the most watchable. Some of the key aspects include Jean Reno as an assassin, a super-jailbait Natalie Portman as his protégé, Sir Gary Oldman as the bad guy (always extra badass points), an arsenal of weaponry, explosions, sneakiness, police corruption, French accents, traps, awkward interactions between the girl & the killer, lots of action, one man against an onslaught of trained killers, and the final shootout is simply amazing…with yet more explosions. I'm glad that director Luc Besson was married to my baby's mama. After this movie, he deserved it. Besides, I was 12 when it was filmed…so he was allowed to borrow her. If you haven't seen it, go check it out.

Silver - Heat (1995) - This movie gets the nod as the Realistic Shoot 'Em Up award winner. Director Michael Mann made this three-hour epic about bank robbers (Robert DeNiro & Val Kilmer), the police officers pursuing them (Al Pacino, Mykelti Williamson, & Wes Studi), and their families (Ashley Judd, Amy Brenneman, etc.). That's right, you heard me say three hours…but despite it's lengthy run time, it flies by with heightened action scenes, intense drama as only DeNiro & Pacino can do, and if I remember right, an hour-long realistic shootout in downtown Los Angeles. It's an incredible movie…and the first (and probably last) time that Pacino & DeNiro were on-screen together.

Bronze - Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005) - This movie gets my no as the Funny Shoot 'Em Up award winner. Yes, the fact that Angelina Jolie graces the screen in this movie played a little into the decision…but Brad Pitt's great too…and Vince Vaughn shines (in his probably three days of work equaling four minutes of screen time). Lots of action, hand-to-hand combat, car chases, sexy dangerous tango dancing, and a final shootout at Home Depot (or Home Base I think it was called in the movie) make this a very entertaining movie. I'm glad that three people gave it to me for two years ago. They must know what I like…Angelina Jolie…packing heat…and ready to rumble.

Suggestion - Hard Boiled (1992) - I've blogged about this movie before…but it's simply an all-out action extravaganza starring Chow Yun Fat & Tony Leung in the ultimate foreign shoot 'em up directed by John Woo. As indicated by the director, there's an incredible amount of bullets flying, exploding backdrops, sliding on arm rails & countertops & tables & whatever surfaces are in the way, doves flying around, diving through windows, back flips over bodies, and its basically throughout the entire movie…and the final shootout (sucker for a finale) at the hospital seems like an hour long of bang bang bang and then Chow Yun Fat saves a baby in the maternity ward…and carries it with him during the scene (inspiration for the entire plot of "Shoot 'Em Up" I'm sure). You must see this movie as well.

Flush It - The Last Samurai (2003) - I really couldn’t think of a bad shoot 'em up movie…but I really don't like Tom Cruise…and there is one key that this movie brings up…unless both sides have guns, the fight really just isn't fair…and therefore really sucks to watch. Remember my mentioning yesterday...of the discussion who'd win in a fight between a 45-year old ninja & a 7-year old girl with a gun. If that gun is a rotary cannon, then the ninja and/or samurais don't stand a chance. This is a great flick. Ken Watanabe kicks ass in it. Very beautifully shot…but if you have an suggestions for these movies that suck…I'm always glad to hear them. Maybe "Eraser" is a good bad one. I didn't like that movie at all. Whatever. I'm done being negative.

Future Watch - Does anybody know where I can get or rent John Woo's "The Killer" on DVD instead of having to go through eBay? Why doesn't this action classic have a two-disc special edition set like every other movie? I keep hearing that this movie is John Woo's masterpiece, even more so than "Hard Boiled", and there's a shootout in a church (with doves, of course) but I can't find it anywhere. What the hell? Also, I'm waiting for Michael Davis to write up Shoot 'Em Up 2. I realize that I haven't mentioned some great movies with a particular English action star…but you'll just have to wait until tomorrow for me to go into detail with that. Who am I talking about? Wait & see.

Anyway, have a great night everybody!!! Drive safely…and remember to say a little prayer for my sister-in-law & nephew, would ya? Much appreciated...