Blog of Biblical Proportions

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Today is my day off from work. I have an odd schedule for the next few weeks where I don't have consecutive days off…just days to run errands during normal business hours. How am I going to spend it? Running errands, of course. Also I plan on cleaning my bathroom and stuff…since I haven't done it in a while. My dad's birthday was last week and he got a SwiMP3 player…which as you may have guessed is an MP3 player that is waterproof and you wear while you swim. I agreed to put some of his favorite music on there…which is rock & roll…mostly Pink Floyd, Van Halen, and the other Mega gods of R&R. He left his whole collection with me too…so now I can put it on my MP3 player too. This works splendidly for both of us.


My landlord Dale just stopped by and fixed my leaky shower faucet...and then casually mentioned that he's raising my rent $25 a month starting in March...so I casually mentioned that there's still a hole in my ceiling...and he said he's going to wait until it's above freezing...and he's also going to fix the downstairs toilet another day...but more people are having faucet problems. Like I said, he's a good guy...but yeah. I don't mind the extra rent...because honestly, I know that tenants around me are paying more than I am...and my place is a pretty good deal.


Good News: My stepsister is now trying to hook me up with a friend of a friend. She was asking me about my job and the dating life…so I casually mentioned my current state of Ruin…and in doing so, made her laugh so hard that it aroused interest in her friend nearby. She then explained the situation…and sent me a picture of one of her friends looking for a cool cat. She's a cutie and has a great smile. That's a great start. Bad news is that I sent a picture too…so we'll see how it goes. By the way, it has been confirmed through an ongoing study, that my causing people to physically laugh out loud while reading my blog…has more than DOUBLED viewership alone. Somebody will bust a gut, others will inquire why, read my silly similes and fart jokes…and be hooked. I like it. Especially when it ends up with a possible social experience…like a date. Big thanks to all my readers out there!!! Another one to my stepsister for hooking a brother up!!! Now for some real news…not speculation.

Older the Berry, Sweeter the Juice - "Wanted: rich older women interested in hot younger guys. Applicants must be over 35, earn at least $500,000 a year or have a minimum of $4 million in liquid assets, entrusted assets or divorce settlement." An elite New York matchmaker is organizing a speed-dating event based on this matching of twenty sugar mamas with twenty boy toys. It has all the makings of a reality TV show. Pocketchangenyc proclaims "Symbiosis has allowed ugly rich men to attract young, gorgeous, money-hungry women for centuries; it's now the women's turn." Equal rights is coming around. It's about time. Gail Garrison, a 44-year old fashion designer and former model says, "I find younger guys will usually be totally into you while older guys will be looking over your shoulder at a younger woman. Younger men expect an older woman to be more accomplished. They are looking for you because you are intelligent. They are not looking for a mother." Personally, I couldn't think of a better way to gain financial independence, have a relationship with a cougar, AND give in to an Oedipal complex. This may catch on. Then again, New York is always ahead of the curve.

That is Sexy? - Victoria's Secret released their picks for the lingerie company's 2008 What is Sexy? List…and I'm not going to lie. I was a little surprised at their picks. Ryan Seacrest has the sexiest smile? Really? Spokesperson Monica Mitro commented "What's sexy about him is doesn't act like he is. We felt this his smile was quite sexy in a very subtle and innocent and humble way." The reason he doesn't act like he's sexy…is because he isn't. Eva Mendes won sexiest actress…and I can go with that. Eric Bana was sexiest actor. Josh Holloway (Sawyer on "Lost") won sexiest beach body. Posh Spice a.k.a. Mrs. David Beckham won sexiest mom (not Angelina?). Sexiest musicians were Rihanna and Chris Brown. Sexiest male athletes was Tony Romo (WHAT?). For a one-hour special and complete listings, you can watch E! on February 9th…and I found out why Seacrest won. It's produced by E! and Ryan Seacrest Productions. Wow, that's low.

Maharashi Goes Quiet - It has been more than 50 years since the Maharishi began teaching the technique known as Transcendental Meditation. Popularized by a visit from the Beatles in 1967, the spiritual leader is now believed to be 91 and on Tuesday, a close adviser said he has retreated into near silence and turned over the day-to-day running of his global network to assistants. American physicist John Hagelin said, "He is not as young as he once was." This comment is being entered into the Most Obvious Statement Awards (MOSA) later this year. Most scientists agree TM can ease stress, high blood pressure, pain and insomnia. But some argue it is no more effective than many other mind-body relaxation techniques. Long time practitioner and crazy movie director David Lynch said, "Anger, stress, tension, depression, sorrow, hate, fear — these things start to retreat. And for a filmmaker, having this negativity lift away is money in the bank. When you're suffering you can't create." Perhaps it is time that the Maharashi really took some of his own medicine…and mediated in absolute isolation to find complete enlightenment. I hope that he finds it. He seems like a cool dude. We could all learn a few things from his teachings…but I'm not suggesting that retreat to Nepal or something. Just remember to take to for you…and relax…deep breaths…and just be free of thought. In fact, do it now before I go onto the next story. I'll wait. Your health and sanity is far more important than mine.

Last night, I watched "The Ten" which is a low-budget Sundance kind of comedy about the Ten Commandments, told in ten short stories, most of which are kinda funny. The really surprising thing is the cast in this movie featuring Paul Rudd, Jessica Alba, Famke Janssen, Adam Brody, Winona Ryder, Liev Schreiber, Oliver Platt, Rob Cordry, and the lovely Gretchen Mol. My favorite part is Gretchen Mol playing a 35-year old virgin librarian who spends a summer in a small pueblo in Mexico…and ends up having a lusty affair with a carpenter named Jesus. It's also half in subtitles…with a narrator in Spanish who likes to say vagina…in Spanish. It's hot. I could try to type it out…but it doesn't do him justice. "Vvvvajeenaaa" Oh…and you'll never guess who stars in the story about "Thou shalt not steal", that's right, the Winona Ryder…and a ventriloquist puppet. Pretty good movie. A little crazy…but I like crazy. A little sacrilegious at times…but whatever. I like to think that the Big Guy has a sense of humor. I mean…the guy did make platypuses. Oh…and I realize that God may or may not be male…or female…or whatever because I haven't seen the works…only artist's renditions…and the vast majority are an older pale-bearded Lebowski-looking gentleman wearing a white robe. So I base it on that. Just to avoid that controversy. Anyway, this flick has its moments…and it ends on a musical number…so check it out if you get a chance. That leads me into my next movie list...

Bible Movies - These are my favorite stories from the Bible. Though a lot of movies have the Bible involved into the plot (just about all of them) but these ones have screenplays often loosely based on the world's best selling novel.

Medal Winners

Gold - The Ten Commandments (1956) - Cecil B. DeMille's Easter classic has been around for over fifty years…and it is still a monument of film making. Charlton Heston IS Moses. Yul Brynner IS Ramses. Vincent Price IS Baka…and always creepy. You all must have seen this movie at least once in your life (or the "Prince of Egypt" animated remake that was half as long). It is the epic tale of Moses, the Hebrew baby that was sent down the river, raised by the King & Queen of Egypt as their own son, grows up to find out his heritage, and then leads his Hebrew people out of slavery and into the desert for forty years. Truly an epic masterpiece. "So let it be written, so let it be done!!!"

Silver - Ben Hur (1959) - Judah Ben-Hur (again Charlton Heston) learns that his childhood friend Messala (Stephen Boyd) is a commander of the Roman army in Jerusalem. At first he is thrilled to learn this…but then learns that his old friend is a pompous prick. Something happens (it's been a while) and Judah is sent to the galleys to be made an example of…and Messala throws Judah's mom & sister into prison. Now, the President of the NRA seeks revenge against his one-time friend…the Old Testament way…with swords and shields. Yeah, I haven't seen it in a long time…but I want to again real soon. Oh yeah, Jesus is in it too. "You truly are the King of Kings."

Bronze - The Last Temptation of Christ (1988) - I have no idea why this movie was so ignored…and the Passion made billions of dollars. Martin Scorsese directed it. Willem Dafoe is the creepiest Jesus EVER!!! Harvey Keitel is Judas. It's the story of Jesus and his life…complete with the temptations that every man faces. It's a realistic Jesus. Guilt for making crosses for the Romans (but he's a carpenter so he has to make a living). Lust towards Mary Magdelan (Barbara Hershey) and the possibility of living a normal life…instead of that of the son of God. Obviously not based on the Bible…but rather a book by Nikos Kazantzakis. It's definitely worth a gander…just for a different perspective on the gospel teachings…that are essentially retranslated, possibly exaggerated, then reretranslated hearsay from two millennia ago. I'm not saying the lessons aren't fantastic…but so are Aesop's fables…and last I checked, nobody was fighting wars over the story of the Lion and the Mouse or the Sun and the Wind.

Suggestion - Dogma (1999) - I like Kevin Smith movies…most of the time. Ben Affleck & Matt Damon are fallen angels who try to find a loophole back into Heaven. Chris Rock is a 13th apostle. Linda Fiorentino is the last descendant of the late great JC. Jason Lee is a demon. Salma Hayek is a muse. Jay & Silent Bob are hilarious. George Carlin is a Cardinal. Alan Rickman is the voice of God…who is played by Alanis Morissette. It's simply hilarious throughout. If you haven't seen this movie yet, go check it out. You probably won't go to Hell…maybe. Kevin Smith, please start making funny movies again.

Flush It - The Passion of the Christ (2004) - I have no problem with Mel Gibson making this movie…and it was okay. Frankly this gets the Flush It because it is the most overrated piece of horror porn ever. By that, I forget the term exactly…but it's when a horror movie shows all the gruesome intestine-gushing violence simply for shock factor. That's what this movie is. I'm surprised that it wasn't followed up with the sequel "The Spanish Inquisition" starring Antonio Benderas. It's two hours of JC (Jim Caviezel as Jesus H. Christ) getting the living piss beat out of him with an arrangement of torture devices…and allegedly there's a story (not really, but he assumes everybody has read the book it's based upon) and a lot of Aramaic with subtitles. Don't waste your time. Spend that time watching "Last Temptation of Christ"

Future Watch - The Rapture? - Okay, honestly I haven't been to church consistently in over a decade…and even then it was to play recreation basketball and pick up on girls. I remember a lot of battles between a bunch of groups ending in -Ites but I haven't really seen a good Biblical war movie. Wasn't there a story about a battle where all the arms were chopped off or some gruesome stuff like that? Let's make a movie about that. Like the Nephites versus the Lamanites or something. Wait, is that in the Bible or the Book of Mormon? I don't know. Maybe I should Google it or something. Maybe my Future Watch should be to see Ben Hur again. Here's some more Gretchen Mol...as "The Notorious Bettie Page"

Anyway, that'll do it for today. I'll be sure to keep you all posted on my dating life…as far as I'm willing to. Tonight, I'm going to a free showing of "Across the Universe" because it comes highly recommended...and why not? It's free. Anyway, have a great night everybody!!!