Arnold Rennt

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

Just a quick stop in work today before going home to yet another incredible Movie Night. As the title of this entry may indicate, in a six degrees of Kevin Bacon roundabout kind of way, I watched a movie the other day...that I just thought was great. It's called "The Running Man" (1987) starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, based on the novel by Stephen King, and directed by Paul Michael Glazer. Who's Paul Michael Glazer? Starsky...from Starsky & Hutch. That's your first hint as to how odd this movie was. You want a Arnold one-liner? They're ALL in this movie. Oh yeah...and Stephen King kinda wrote...but it's not his usual acid trip kind of kookiness. Based in 2019 Los Angeles, America is now a kind of socialist compound along the lines of every Philip Dick novel ever written. Arnie plays Ben Richards, a former soldier/officer with the government, but turns on them when he's ordered to kill innocent protesters, so he's thrown in jail...but he breaks out. Meanwhile, the greatest show in TV history's producer (played by Richard Dawson from the "Family Feud") sees footage of Ben's escape...and wants him on the next showing of "The Running Man." Basically, it's a four-quarter dash to the other side of a preserved part of south central or something where they send these wrestler-esque gladiators after the contestant to kill him. There's also a subplot about revolution against the socialist establishment and a love interest with an even worse accent than Arnie...but it's pretty good for a chuckle. I mean...Richard Dawson is the supporting actor. Oh...and there's another governor and an NFL legend in this movie too. Jesse "The Body" Ventura plays Captain Freedom, an undefeated "Running Man" gladiator / commentator / fitness guru with a bad toupee...and Jim Brown plays Fireball...for about two minutes. Sorry to spoil it.

My favorite part of it though...was a bit actor that I recognized from one of my favorite shows of all time. He plays Richard Dawson's bodyguard Sven in the movie...and his name...is Sven-Ole Thorsen. Sven is most famous to me for playing the unstoppable revolutionary juggernaut Tank on the short-lived TV series "Captain Power & the Soldiers of the Future" for all 22 episodes...but has been in over sixty movies. What movies you ask? Well, he played Tiger in "Gladiator", in the Conan movies he played Thorgrim in the original AND Togra in the sequel, Mercenary in "Lethal Weapon" & Henchman #2 in "Lethal Weapon 3", Nikolai in "Red Heat", Russian Officer in "Predator", the Demon in "Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story", Gunman in "Last Action Hero", Gunman at Motel in "Bulletproof", Russian Gunman in "Eraser", Thug in "End of Days", Mercenary in "George of the Jungle", Gutzon in "The Quick & the Dead", and probably most recognizable as LaFours in "Mallrats" for all you kids out there. He also had several key roles as Terrorist #1, Doorman, Prisoner, Birthright Thug, German Man, Viking, SS Body Guard, Bomb Victim, and Goon...but in smaller movies. Well, he was Goon in "The Rundown" that was pretty good. Anyway, it was good to see that he's still working (and not just some other big guy with a beard) and it made me want to watch "Captain Power" again...and a few other movies that I didn't know that he was in. I've already got "Kull the Conqueror" coming through the mail to see him as King Borna. Anybody looking for a great big extra in an action movie, give this guy a job.

Boy Scout Saves President - It sounds like a cheesy Disney movie called "Eye of the Eagle Scout" or something...but a quick-thinking Boy Scout foiled an assassination attempt on the president of the Maldives on Tuesday, grabbing an attacker's knife as the man leapt from a crowd and lunged at the leader, an official said. Mohammed Jaisham Ibrahim, wearing his blue Maldives scout uniform with a blue kerchief, was standing in the crowd to greet Gayoom on Hoarafushi, one of the 1,190 coral islands in the Indian Ocean that make up the Maldives. An attacker pulled a knife on President Maumoon Gayoom, Ibrahim reached out & grabbed it, cutting his hand a little in the process, and then the security guards jumped the attacker on a second attempt that ripped the President's shirt. That is awesome. Who knew that merit badges, camping trips, tying knots, making crafts, playing steal the flag, and all that fun stuff...would one day help you to foil an assassination attempt?

Glue? Are you Sure? - A 10-year-old Mexican boy named Diego glued his hand to his bed to avoid going back to school after the Christmas break. His mother Sandra Palacios was unable to free him and called paramedics and police to help. Diego watched cartoons while they worked to unglue him, eventually using a spray to dissolve the chemical adhesive. Resourceful kid...but not the brightest when it comes to playing hooky. Not that I've ever played hooky or anything...but there are definitely ways around going to school that are better, easier, and healthier than stapling yourself to the couch or something like that. Anyway, this kid should go to school anyway...at the very least so that he can learn these alternative methods. Stay in school, kids!!!

Are you sh***ing me? - In the nation's most dangerous city, they're considering a bill that would ban swearing in their drinking establishments. St. Charles, Missouri is a suburb of St. Louis...which is in an epic struggle with Detroit for the most dangerous city in America. To help Detroit win, this small town is considering banning NOT only swearing...but table-dancing, drinking contests, and profane music. My question: Why do you think I GO to bars? Number one, table-dancing. Number two, profane music. Number three, swearing with my friends. Number four, chicken wings & nachos. Number five, drinking contests with an audience...so as not to be considered an alcoholic. Next time I go to St. Louis, they'd better have some damn fine chicken wings. I'm talkin' finger f**kin' good wings. Oops, sorry about that. Can I get my cover charge back? No. Have you seen what urine does to paint on a fascade? Check it out in the morning. Anyway, here's today's movie list...in honor of "The Running Man" himself...

Arnold Schwarzenegger Movies - I still think he's the American Dream...and here's how he went from a Austrian immigrant bodybuilder with $20 in his wallet in 1968 to governor of California by 2003. Oh yeah...and the world's biggest movie star in between.

Medal Winners

Gold - Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991) - Obviously, his most famous role as the killer robot sent back through time to kill the unborn son of Sarah Connor in the original, then to protect the teenage kid in this movie, and ditto for the third protecting him from a supersexy pleasurebot...who I can only assume was going to screw him to death... at least in my script. This initial sequel was a masterpiece as far as action & the fairly new realm of CGI technology...and it was just a great, fun movie to watch. James Cameron makes great movie...usually. I'm not going to get into the whole time-travel plot anomolies...but I'm sure that everybody has seen this movie and thinks that it's awesome.

Silver - True Lies (1994) - James Cameron realizes that Arnie is box office gold...so they go for part two. This time, he's an American secret agent who reports directly to the cycloptic Charlton Heston...and has Tom Arnold as his cohort. Jamie Lee Curtis & Eliza Dushku at home. Tia Carrere on the side. Remember that whole American Dream thing? It's my theory that this movie was why the Patriot Act went through...but I could be wrong. Great flick. Maybe that'll be the Movie Night tonight...

Bronze - Conan the Barbarian (1982) - Rule #1 in making a Schwarzenegger movie - "Try not to have him talk...and if you do, keep it to one line." Case in point, Conan the Barbarian. I think it's about an hour into the movie before you heard any verbal noise coming out of his mouth...and half the time it's "KRUM!!!" Lots of action, loinclothes, wizards, virgins, extras chopped in half, Max Van Sydow, James Earl Jones, and the sequel had Wilt Chamberlain & Grace Jones. Oh...and long-time extra minion friend, Sven-Ole Thorsen is in both of them too.

Suggestion - Pumping Iron (1977) - A documentary into the world of world-class bodybuilding starring him & Lou Ferrigno ("The Incredible Hulk") among others. It's fairly interesting...but the main reason to check it out...is one scene where Arnie talks about why he bodybuilds. Keep in mind that it's in an Austrian accent, but he basically says, "I get the blood going through my veins...and it's like I'm cumming. I work out six hours a day...and it's like I'm cumming and cumming and cumming six hours a day. I can't think of another thing that I'd be doing where I get this sensation." Well, apparently movie star & governor causes him to continue cumming and cumming and cumming. I'm always pushing the educational stuff when I can...since all of his movies are fairly well known. Oh, check out "Red Sonya" (1985) where he's kind of a second star to Bridgette Nielsen for more barbarian action...or his first movie "Hercules in New York" that I saw years ago on USA Up All Night with Rhonda Shears...and he's dubbed. It's hella funny to watch.

Flush It - Batman & Robin (1997) - I wish I could express to you in words...EXACTLY how much I hated this movie. I mean...you've all seen it, right? Asked for your money back? Denied? Still have the stupidest of one-liners from Mr. Freeze in your head no matter how much scotch pumps through your brain? George Clooney isn't Batman. Batman doesn't have grey hair. Alfred does. Alicia Silverstone? As if. It's like a cartoon...but in the worst possible way. Oh...and when I say stupidest of one-liners...you know that I mean every word of it. "Everybody...chill." That's it. I'm getting out of here. He looks like a f**king Christmas Tree...or Tannenbaum, as it is back home. Damn you Joel Schumacher!!! How do you still find work? Your agent must be AMAZING!!!

Future Watch - Realization of the Demolition Man Prophecy (2012) - In the Sylvester Stallone action flick "Demoltion Man" (1993) there is, what many considered to be a joke while others...a prophecy, about Planet Hollywood co-founder buddy Arnold being elected President of the United States. Well, fifteen years later, it's not quite the same joke, is it? Sure, under the Constitution, only an American-born citizen can be elected president...but as the past decade has shown, when has the Constitution ever been followed? When it serves those in power? If I'm Obama or Clinton or Huckabee or McCain or Paul or whoever gets elected President this year, I'm going to try to make sure that the Constitution is upheld to...and any amendment to allow for foreign-born citizens to be elected President would have to be vetoed...otherwise he's banging a Kennedy in the Lincoln Bedroom like his predecessors. Sure, that whole admiring Hitler thing may come back to haunt him again...but keep in mind, he was raised in a German-speaking country. He had to learn German & Austrian history. Sure, he admired how Hitler got things done...but that doesn't mean he's on the pro-genocide side of the argument. It's the equivalent of saying you admire Christopher Columbus for sailing west to the end of the Earth...and kindly forget that he enslaved native tribes, acquired their resources, and effectively led to the genocide of two continents. By the way, Arnold, if you need a good Wingman to help you in your political discussions. I am ready and available. All I ask in return is to hook me up with a few people in Hollywood...mostly actresses. Now you may be asking, "What are his policies?"

Foreign Policy: Ever seen "Commando"? "Collateral Damage"? "Predator"? You mess with us. You get messed with.

Foreign Relations: "Red Heat"? Bringing nations together to stop Evil. Sounds like the President that I want.

Education Reform: The man was a Kindergarten teacher...and a cop...simultaneously. Not only will he make sure the kids stay in school...he'll whip them into shape too.

Religious Stance: "End of Days"? He kicked the Devil's Ass...or was it Kaiser Soze? Either way, he's a believer...but he's not going to let dieties run this country.

Stem Cell Research: "Junior"? He's the only man to have a baby. I think he's intent on keep it that way. "Twins"? How many Danny Devitoes does the world really need? "The 6th Day"? Clones!!! We don't need no stinkin' clones!!! I am ME!!! Get to the choppah!!!

Anyway, we'll see how it goes. That's good for the day. Anything you wanted to add Arnie, "To be...or not to be? (Castle explodes) Not to be." Okay, thanks for that timeless bit of literature. Hasta la vista, baby!!!