Welcome New Members!!!

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

First & foremost, I'd like to give a special howdy to some new commenters on my wondrous blog - Doc, Pleatherface, Captain Smack, and Creativity Escapes Me. Please check out their blogs as well if you like silly, crazy, and insightful stuff. Today, I truly haven't done much so far. I played some Rock Band. I'm starting on the Drums and doing pretty good…but the size & configuration of the drums is set for that of an 8-year old player…and I'm a very long, fully-grown man. I've tried some various setups…but can't seem to find one that doesn't end in me with a kinked leg to use the kick pedal controller or standing & hunched over all the time. I'm still doing okay…but it could be a lot easier. That's all I'm saying. I've seen my brother's set up…but he has a much larger living room and doesn't have the projector to deal with. It's quite cumbersome. Oh well, I'll figure something out. I always do. One day, I'll be able to reach my final objective…and become a drumming legend like my hero…Animal. Be sure to catch Dr. Teeth & Electric Mayhem on their world tour.


I also used my wok again today. I made me some stir fry with pieces of pork tenderloin, extra water chestnuts (because I love those things), and a peanut sauce that's a little spicy. It is delicious…and I brought some to work with me. I can cook okay. I'd say a six out of ten…but the main reasons that I don't cook more are that I rarely have the time to cook something good, rarely have the mouths to feed to motivate me, and my kitchen is poorly ventilated. For example, it takes about 10-15 minutes to whip up some stir fry and it's easily two to three small meals for me (depending on the extras that I throw into the standard mix) but then the steam off the pan has nowhere to go (vent doesn't work) except into my living room, where there's a small window, back the other direction, then upstairs. Very rarely does it make it outside. My apartment is a poorly designed 4-plex…and my landlord is worthless…but a nice guy…and the rent is modest. Oh well, I'm down with microwaved foods until I need to impress a lady…and then hope that my culinary skills haven't diminished since last time.


$teve Honored Once Again - AP Celebrity of the Year & former Presidential Candidate Stephen Colbert was born in Washington, D.C. After an ill-fated run for residency in the city's most famous house, he received the honor of having his portrait displayed in the Smithsonian Institute's National Portrait Gallery in the Hall of Presidents…between the restrooms. This is a great day in history…and will be for the next six weeks as the portrait hangs there…but then may be moved elsewhere. Colbert lobbied to have his portrait hung there…and despite massive resistance initially, he proved his case by comparing his acts of charity & impact on modern culture with those who are already displayed. He even proved that he's a master hacky sacker. By the way, did you know that Andre Agassi's in the Portrait Gallery? There's hope for anybody now. Anyway, if you're in the D.C. area, stop by the National Portrait Gallery and marvel at the splendor that is a fellow $teve. You won't regret it. Oh yeah…and check out some other portraits while you're there. It's a great collection of art.


Speaking Pekinese - Findings suggest that computers might significantly help people comprehend animal communication. Scientists tested artificially intelligent software on more than 6,000 barks from 14 Hungarian sheepdogs. Six different kinds of barks were taped - Barks at Strangers, Barks during Fights, Barks anticipating a Walk with the owner, Barks during Playtime, Barks when left Alone, and Barks for Balls…that the owners held in their hands…the blue rubbery ones…you know, the balls that dogs play with. Geez, get your mind out of the gutter. Basically, the software was slightly more accurate at depicting what the dogs intention was compared to the Hungarians surveyed and just over half the time…was able to detect which dog made the bark. True, we are a far, far way from a time when we can communicate freely & openly with our canine companions…but in the meantime, baby talk seems to work best. "Who's a good boy? Yes, you's a good boy. Ooooh, you're just so cute. You're just so cute."


Personally, I hope that we don't bridge this gap of communication. For then, they may learn of our plots to keep them in captivity. Think about it. Our guard dogs will no longer attack on command. They may question your motive in sicking them on a pair of Jehovah's Witnesses. Think of telling your little Fluffy to be quiet while you're on the phone…or entertaining guests…and then they retort with a monologue about free speech…and equality for all mammals. You wouldn't be able to put a terminally-ill pet to sleep without protestors outside the clinic. (My God, can you imagine the signs?) Don't think that cats, cattle, sheep, and all other domesticated animals would get wind of it…then to the exotic minorities held in zoos. This could be the beginning of the end of the dominance of the human race as we know it. These scientists must be stopped. I say that we keep these animals in serfdom for our amusement and mild companionship. For one day, they may demand more than the occasional bacon on top of their lamb & rice flavored kibble.


Return of the Shredder - Reverend Walter Hermanns has multiple sclerosis and uses a wheelchair. Last Friday, he was getting some help cleaning up his living quarters when he asked a friend to shred a stack of papers left in a bin. Here's where the story gets…odd. This is directly from the article: "When his friend got to four Green Bay Packers tickets bundled together with a rubber band, he took off the band, put one in the shredder and then stopped short." That's right, he put ONE IN THE SHREDDER…and THEN stopped short. I'll continue with the article: "Something rang a bell and he said, 'Are you sure you want to shred these?'" Hermanns said. Something rang a bell? Yeah, like Vince Lombardi's ghost giving you an ectoplasmic pimpslap for shredding a ticket that Wisconsin residents would give their left and/or right nut for. Luckily, after collecting the shredded ticket and speaking with the Packers ticket office, they were able to get it replaced so that they could be a part of the NFC Championship game this Sunday…and see living legend Brett Favre & the Green Bay Packers play the New York Giants…where the wind chill is expected to be fifteen degrees below zero. Yay!!! I'll be watching it from the warmth of my home…until I work that evening.


Tarantino's Next Movie? - As you may know, I heart Quentin Tarantino and his badass movies. Well, there's an internet rumor going around that he may decide to direct a remake of the 1966 classic "Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!" I have not seen this movie (primarily because I can't seem to find it anywhere like John Woo's The Killer) but I'm told that it's an intensely entertaining cult classic directed by Russ Meyers and borders on soft-porn. The original followed three thrill-seeking strippers who come upon a couple in the desert. Killing the boyfriend, they take the girl hostage and hide out on a secluded ranch owned by a wheelchair-bound redneck farmer and his two dim-witted sons. Trying to locate the man's hidden fortune, they seduce the sons to learn of the secret - soon all hell breaks loose. Sounds like my kind of flick. Tarantino wants his version to be even raunchier, and his first choices are socialite Kim Kardashian, Eva Mendes ("Ghost Rider" & "Hitch") and none other than Britney Spears for the roles. Interesting selections to say the least…but hey, if QT says that it'd work…then I believe him. We'll see how this rumor floats. By the way, if ANYBODY knows how to get a hold of a copy of this movie for me, please let me know. I'm intrigued.


Last night, I thought about doing a Movie List for TV show movies…but then the Mad Scientist & I realized a few things right away. A) There are a LOT of TV to Movie adaptations. B) There are a LOT of different KINDS of TV to Movie Adaptations. C) We like and/or hate a LOT of TV to Movie adaptations. So with that in mind, over the next few entries, I have divided this seemingly simple category into FOUR distinct and incredible categories - TV Comedy Movies, Saturday Night Live Movies, TV Drama Movies, and TV Animated Movies. So I start with the first…


TV Comedy Movies


Medal Winners

Gold - Naked Gun Trilogy (1988-94) - For those who don't know, yes, these movies were based on a short-lived (I own all six episodes) 1982 TV series…but went on to make three blockbuster movies. Director David Zucker and producer Jim Abrahams bring their knack for satire in this parody of cop shows and sleuth movies. Leslie Nielsen is the God of Straight-Faced Slapstick and these movies also have great actors like the always hot Mrs. King herself, Priscilla Pressley, George Kennedy, Ricardo Montalban, Fred Ward, Weird Al Yankovic, Anna Nicole Smith, Robert Goulet, and the possibly retarded O.J. Simpson. It's a must see trilogy for anybody who likes to laugh without regret. Also, check out the six episode of "Police Squad!" if you get the chance. You'll wonder why it never caught on TV…and it's simple, you had to watch it…and most people don't 'watch' TV, they listen to it. It makes for some great movies though.


Silver - Addams Family (1991-93) - Two great movies about everybody's favorite kooky family directed by Barry Sonnenfeld ("Men In Black") and starring the late great Raul Julia, Angelica Huston, Christopher Lloyd, Christina Ricci, Dan Hedaya, and Joan Cusack. The one-liners are incredibly funny. To this very day, my brother & I will dance the Babushka at the drop of a hat (yes, complete with swords). Gomez Addams is my hero…and I can only hope that one day I have my own Morticia to lavish affection on…and raise three rat bastard children with. In the meantime, I'll settle for being Uncle Fester with my brother's family. Wanna see a neat trick that I can do with a light bulb?

Bronze - The Beverly Hillbillies (1993) - Everybody's favorite billionaire rednecks move to Beverly Hills and almost immediately, people are trying to take their money away. An incredible ensemble cast includes Jim Varney ("Ernest" movies), Lea Thompson, Lily Tomlin, Rob Schneider, Cloris Leachman, Diedrich Bader, Dabney Coleman, Dolly Parton, and Baywatch babe Erika Eleniak as Ellie May. Great flick. "They've got smog there in Beverly Hills." "What's Smog?" Jeopardy Music, "I reckon it's a small hog."

Suggestion - The Little Rascals (1994) - Yet another movie that I think everybody should check out. There's really no major stars or anything except cameos by Reba, Mel Brooks, Daryl Hannah, the Olsen Twins, Whoopi, Donald Trump, George Wendt, & Lea Thompson…but the kids are funny…and who doesn't love Spanky, Alfalfa, Froggy, Stymie, Uh-Huh, Buckwheat, and the rest of the He-Man Woman Haters Club? So go and check it out, would ya? "Ooooh tay!!!"

Flush It - Starsky & Hutch (2004) - So many possibilities, but this one gets the nod because it had the potential to be a great movie with an El Torino…and instead was another crappy Ben Stiller movie. Even Snoop Dogg as Huggy Bear wasn't enough to save this movie. I didn't care for it at all. "Wild Wild West" (1999) probably should've won…but I've ragged on it enough. I've heard that "Bewitched" (2005) was pretty bad…but I honestly haven't seen it because I was warned about it. Really? Can Will Ferrell make a bad movie? Nicole Kidman's in it though. Well, she really can't do comedy. I see your point.




Future Watch - Get Smart (June 20th, 2008) - Not that I'm counting down the days or anything until one of my favorite television shows of all time because a blockbuster movie starring Steve Carell, Anne Hathaway, the Rock, Bill Murray, & Terence Stamp…but I am anxiously awaiting this spoof of secret agencies and legendary slapstick comedy. There's also a bunch of rumors going around about an "I Dream of Jeannie" (2010?) movie…but it's hard to think of somebody that can top Barbara Eden. I mean…really hard…especially when I think about the possibilities. I mean, it's up there with Wonder Woman. I'm surprised that there hasn't been a "Gilligan's Island" movie yet…but it's probably only a matter of time…and Lost is doing so well on TV. I would also personally like to see a good "Three Stooges" movie in my lifetime. Not sure who would be good at playing them…but then again, that's not my job. Make it happen, Hollywood!!!


Anyway, that should do it for the day. Tomorrow, I'll be attending a friend's birthday party at Habits, so come one, come all. Maybe I'll buy you a drink if you ask nice. You never know. "I'M RICH, BIAAAACH!!!" Have a great night & I'll see if I can get you some new pictures of my nephew in the next few days. Peace.