Who You Gonna Call?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The President of the Church of Latter-Day Saints, Gordon Bitner Hinckley died at the age of 97. I wasn't big into the church…but from what I've heard about the guy…and seen of him on the news over the past decade or so, he seemed like a really cool cat. Now, I'm not an entirely religious man as you may have heard (Clapton is God and Elvis was his prophet) but I have nothing but respect for men & women who devote their lives to helping others in the name of a higher calling. This guy did that…for a loooooong damn time. Oops, sorry. Long darn time. He reminded me of my step-great-grandpa in a lot of ways. They're both in their nineties, have great heads on their shoulders, witty & warm, and have genuine care for others…so President Hinckley's passing reminds me to appreciate loved ones all the more while they're here…because you never know when their battery's gonna run out. It's truly a sad time…but at least he went peacefully…and his legacy will live on. Hope to see you up there someday, playa.



Speaking of old dudes, I spoke with my landlord today. "Hello?" "Hey Dale, it's $teve from apartment 69. How's it going?" "Pretty good...just here near Cedar City (one of $teve's least favorite cities), what's up?" "Yeah, I was just wondering when you're in town again if you wouldn't mind fixing the downstairs toilet and checking out the faucet on my shower tub. It's been leaking for a few weeks and getting worse." "Sure, (neighbor) has the same problem so I'll grab my kit and check it out." "Cool beans. I'll tell you about the other stuff when you're here." "What? Oh okay. See you then."



Well, upon further review of my job situation, it may really not be a bad idea for me to seek employment elsewhere. I love the people that I work with…and I really used to love my job…as far as jobs go. If not within the company than to some other corporate juggernaut that will use me like a Kleenex until I'm soggy, snotty, and putrid. I've got the goods…but do I have the guts? Film at eleven. By that, I mean that I'm going to do what I can with the benefits here right now until I find me a pasture that isn't covered in snow and bovine feces. I'm not too worried…but then again, I'm highly delusional and overly optimistic. There comes a point in your career when things look pretty bleak, where you make a decision to start anew, keep up the good work and see what happens, or simply ride this bitch out into the sunset. If anybody out there knows of any good jobs that have a hot, young, go-getter like me written all over it, hook a brother up…or at least let me know so that I may pass the hook up onto others here. Funny, it wasn't too long ago that I thoroughly enjoyed my job and thought it was the greatest. Now I have to motivate myself to come to work by saying "Cash rules everything around me, CREAM get the money, dolla dolla bills y'all." I may have to take the non-profit off my job title as a non-profit gigolo…but then I'd just be another man-whore. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying, if there was a moral conflict in there, it'd be a concern. Anyway, more on that as the game goes on. Here's some news…



Heartache Leave - Hime & Company, a Tokyo-based marketing firm is now offering Heartache Leave to employees that need a few days to get over a harsh breakup in order to return to work refresh and renewed. While most companies call this 'Personal Leave' this company, comprised of six women (Is there affirmative action in Japan?) offers a day or two off a year to cry it out. Oh…and they also offer days off to take advantage of bargains called "sales shopping leave" for its employees. "Before, women could take half-days off to go to sales, but you'd have to hide your shopping bags in lockers by the train station, but with paid leave, we don't have to feel guilty about bringing our shopping bags to work, and we can enjoy the best part about sales shopping -- talking about our purchases afterwards." Maybe I should learn Japanese and get with this marketing firm. What do they market? Cosmetics & feminine goods? I can do that. I wouldn't even need to take advantage of Heartache Leave…but then again, those Chinese girls liked me when I was over there. Maybe I'll send them my resume.



Change of Heart - In Lynchburg, Virginia (not to be confused with Lynchburg, TN - Home of Jack Daniels Distillery), 72-year old Duval Alexander Davis, Sr. was having a horrible time. I'm not certain but he may have had some financial troubles brought about by being laid off…so he decided to rob a bank (I've told you already, I'm too tall to go this route…though it has been considered). He walked up to the teller, said "Give me all your money" and as the bag was exchanged, he had an epiphany. "What am I doing? I don't need to do this. So I'm going through some rough times…but here I am…pointing a gun at a nice lady…who has done nothing to deserve this either." So he gives the money back…and tells her to call the police. He even offers her the gun to make sure he doesn't change his mind again and try to run off. It's like a crazy Christmas story…but without the happy ending…because this guy's going to jail…but at least he'll have three squares a day, a bunk, and plenty of companionship. Sorry it had to go that way, Mr. Davis. Don't drop the soap.



How Do You Know When It's Been Too Long? - Have you ever been in a psychiatrist's office? Yeah, me neither. You know when they show you those inkblot Rorschach tests and everything looks like Adriana Lima in various environments and situations? Of course, you don't. That's ridiculous. Well, at NASA, there were recent photos sent back from Mars that showed a figure resembling that of a human-like figure…to people like myself who have never been in a psychiatrist's office. The authorities say that it is not an organism…but rather a rock formation…and shows no sign of life. However, I beg to differ. True, it's not an organism…or a being…but you cannot tell me that that rock formation is anything less than proof of intelligent life. Look at the elegant features and details about the hands and waist. Sure, the facial features are a little muted…but that's part of the Martian artist's expression of human condition. Perhaps other life forms look down at our sculptures and say "Obviously that rock formation is caused by erosion or coincidental wind patterns. Look, it only has two arms instead of our seven appendages. They surely must be inferior creatures." Judge not…lest ye be judged by Judge Fudge…because he doesn’t care…he's far too busy being delicious.



Roy Orbison, the Lost Beatle? - A new species of beetle that appears as if wearing a tuxedo has been named in honor of the late great rock & roll legend Roy Orbison ("Pretty Woman" among others) and his widow Barbara. ASU Entomologist Quentin Wheeler made the announcement during a Roy Orbison tribute concert with Roy's widow and two sons in the audience. The beetles official name is Orectochilus Orbisonorum and apparently does a mean doggy paddle…but can't strum a guitar.



Finding Religion…in the Backseat of a Stolen Car - Greek Orthodox Bishop Metropolitan Isaiah recently had his car stolen in Arlington, Texas (Go Eagles!!!). Sure, the car is a bit of a loss…but among the contents of the vehicle were a cell phone, a veil, a copy of the New Testament, a black fabric bag given to the ex-Marine by the widow of a fellow officer, and a jeweled crown estimated to be worth nearly $10,000. However, I would have to think that the Karma from stealing stuff like that would be amazingly against the car thief. It also might be a little difficult to pawn off something like that. "Where the hell did you get that thing? Liberace's yard sale?" "Whatever man, what can I get for it?" "Probably eternity in purgatory at BEST…but I can get a free pass to the Pearly Gates if I turn you in." Also, I've heard a few doozies of names in my day. In fact, growing up, I had a Bishop Bishop at my church…but who names their son Metropolitan? I imagine he has a brother named Isaiah, so he goes by Isaiah Isaiah…and before Met joined the church they were plumbers that got sucked into an ill-fated video game world called "Super Isaiah Bruthahs" that didn't catch on. Anyway, what was my point? Oh yeah, don't steal cars. God will kill you…eventually.



G.I. Joe's Newest Addition - In an obvious attempt to tap into the female market, Channing Tatum ("Step Up") will star as Duke in the upcoming G.I. Joe movie. The busy actor will also be starring in Oliver Stone's new movie "Pinkville" (not about a town of my favorite color but about the My Lai massacre) when/if the writer's strike is over…but in the meantime, it's go Joe. Other stars already signed on for the Stephen Sommers directed "G.I. Joe" features are Dennis Quaid as General Hawk, Sienna Miller as the Baroness, Marlon Wayans as Ripcord, Said Taghmaoui as Breaker, Ray Park as Snake Eyes, Rachel Nichols as Scarlett, and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje as Heavy Duty, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt in negotiations. Everybody's favorite gigolo, Arnold Vosloo is playing Zartan (of course). Still waiting for Jason Statham to sign on as Destro but he's a busy guy…so it may go to Vin Diesel or something. Oh yeah…and Gary Oldman as Cobra Commander. I think he's the only supervillain that could pull off a severe lisp like that.



"Ghost" Movies - Okay, so the other day I was trying to think of a fairly common word used in movie titles where I could make a silly list, right? Then some things happened that helped me come up with a good one. Bubbles asked me if that song from Ghost ("Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers) plays every time she walks into a room. She's aware that at most times, my life seems to have a soundtrack…and it doesn't sometimes. Then another coworker and I were talking about movies that we watched as kids a lot…and so here's my list of movies with the word "Ghost" in the title. Enjoy



Medal Winners


Gold - Ghostbusters (1984-89) - This movie, along with "Back to the Future" & "Revenge of the Nerds" were probably the three movies that shaped my childhood. That being said, now you know why I am the way I am. This story of three recently-canned college professors (Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, & Harold Ramis) and their newfound black friend (Ernie Hudson) starting a ghost extermination business in Manhattan. Also starring Sigourney Weaver, Rick Moranis, William Atherton, & Annie Potts, this is a comedy masterpiece. The sequel wasn't bad either. Chances are…you won't be scared…but you'll probably still pee yourself laughing. There are countless lessons that my parents neglected to tell me…but the Ghostbusters were more than happy to tell me. For example, if someone asks you if you're a God, then you say yes. Also, never get involved with possessed people. When trying to express the magnitude of a situation in a way that people can visualize, use a Twinkie. When someone comes running out of an apartment saying they're being chased by a bear, you run with them. In reality, there is no Dana, there is only Zool. But most importantly, when you're peeing yourself laughing, don't cross the streams. It could be bad.



Silver - Ghost (1990) - I don't believe there's another movie more easily identified by its main song. I know it's a chick flick…but I like it. I'm not afraid to say it. It's romantic. Patrick Swayze is awesome (still haven't seen "Dirty Dancing" all the way through). Demi Moore's gorgeous (though she needed to let the hair grow out a bit). Whoopi is even tolerable…in small doses. Funny little tidbit, Jerry Zucker directed this movie. What else has he done? How about comedy classics like "Airplane!", "Ruthless People", "Top Secret!", "Rat Race", and then you have romances like "Ghost" and "First Knight". Quite a versatile guy…and great comic director. I mean…he made Whoopi funny. Think about it. Better yet, just sing it with me. "OOOOOOOOOOOH, MYYYYYYY LOOOOOVE. MY DARLIIIIIING, I HUUUUNGER FOOOOR YOOOUR TOUCH"



Bronze - The Ghost & the Darkness (1996) - Based on the true story of two African lions with a taste for manflesh that killed 130 people over a nine-month period in 1898…that oddly enough is the origin of the cliché "Once you eat black, you'll never go back" that has been slightly modified over the last century. It's the story of a bridge engineer (Val Kilmer) and the great white hunter (Michael Douglas) trying to kill the beasts…and save at least one village in Mother Afrika. I haven't seen this movie in a long time…but if I remember right, it's really intense. So intense…that I just put it on my Blockbuster queue.



Suggestion - Pathfinder: Legend of the Ghost Warrior (2007) - I commented about this movie once before…and it's actually a pretty good flick that you should check out. It's like a mix of "300", "Apocolypto", and "Last of the Mohicans" but involved Vikings & Native American tribes fighting with axes and swords and stuff. If you're into that stuff, this is your flick. "Ghost Rider" (2007) was okay…but nothing outstanding.

Flush It - "Ghost Dad" (1990) - Oh Bill Cosby. Why can't you and Whoopi make a movie together so that I can check out my toilet solid waste capacity. It's more likely than the Terrell Owens biopic entitled "Don't Forget Your Popcorn" starring Wesley Snipes. So, amid lots of competition from horrible horror movies, this story of a father who's on his way to close a business deal, dies in a car crash, but thanks to a doctor that studies the paranormal, he may still be able to close the deal and save his family. It's like Ghost…but completely retarded. Directed by screen legend Sidney Poitier. "Ghost Ship" (2002) gets notice in the Flush It too…though it's a decent horror flick. "Thirteen Ghosts" (2001) was pretty bad too. Honestly, I couldn't even finish it. Why? I knew Shannon Elizabeth wasn't going to do what I was hoping for. "Ghost in the Machine" (1993) is pretty bad too. A computer tech / serial killer gets in a car accident…and while he's in a CAT scan machine, there's a bolt of lightning…and his spirit is transferred to the building's electrical grid…and he can kill at will. Who's going to stop him? Karen Allen. We're all screwed.



Future Watch - Space Ghost (2010?) - Who doesn't like Space Ghost? Communists. That's who. Honestly, I just couldn't find anything up coming in the future…and I like Space Ghost…from Coast to Coast…cuz he's the host with the most…cartoons. Along my search, I did find a 2001 movie entitled "The Erotic Ghost" starring Tammy Parks and directed & written by John Bacchus who has brought such masterpieces as "Kinky Kong", "Play-Mate of the Apes", "Lust in Space: The Erotic Witch Project IV", and "Gladiator Eroticvs: The Lesbian Warriors." I may have to check some of these out.



Anyway, now that I've incriminated myself…I will bid you farewell for the day. Have a great night!!!