I Have Seen the New Messiah!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I woke up this morning bright & early...and drove for an hour to the hospital that I was actually born in nearly 27 years ago. Memories of seeing grandparents there and all that stuff started to come back...but then I just focused on the last time I was there, to see my niece Kairi for the first time a little over a year ago...and this time I was seeing the nephew. The first couple of hours was me hanging out with the new mommy (sister-in-law) and getting filled in on all the details of the procedure. She wasn't nearly as bad as my brother was last night. He went into pretty gruesome detail...and even referenced a few horror movie scenes quite accurately. I don't need to hear that stuff. Nobody does...unless they're trying to become a doctor...or have some kind of weird fetish...neither of which I suffer from. Poor sis though, in the time that I was there, she received about a dozen text messages & phone calls from family & friends, had three nurses popping in every five minutes, and had enough drugs pumped through her to make Courtney Love blush. She looked like she could use a nap...but was happy to see me & have somebody to talk to that wasn't about her wounds. Otherwise, I would have felt like a dick for waking her up early.


After a while, my brother showed up and we made our way down to the NICU (precaution since he was about 7 weeks early...but he's doing great). We scrubbed our hands down really good. There's probably two to three fewer layers of skin on my hands than normal. I wasn't going to take any chances. After that, we threw on one of those paper dresses over our clothes...and went to see the new deity. He was sleeping in his little box with a thermal blanket...so I didn't take any pictures (sorry, but there will be many later on, I'm sure). He has my brother's face, blonde eyebrows, and more hair at 24 hours old than my dad does. Another good thing is that he seemed to have my sister-in-law's nose, which is probably for the best...since we tend to have rather protrusive noses in my family. Every once in a while, he'd kick his legs...and man, were those legs long. Then he'd make a face like he had sucked on a lemon or something. You could also hear him talking in his sleep a little bit...which actually sounded like a kitten purring. My brother & I basically decided that he was having a dream where he was chasing down someone...and was yelling at him and making his warrior face. He's going to be a ferocious lion of a man one day. Like Hercules...or Achilles...they should have called him Testacles. "Sir, that's awfully close to Testicles." "Why do you think I put the A there instead?" After that, I had to run off to start a 12-hour day at work...and that brings us to now...so here's the news.


Knight in Sh**ing Armor - I was in too good of a mood to talk about this yesterday…but it needs to be addressed. The other day, Texas Tech men's basketball coach Bobby Knight added to his seemingly endless reel of ridiculous media encounters after winning his 899th game as a head coach. Though he's nicknamed "The General" because he went to West Point Academy and runs a tight ship or something, I personally feel that he's a disgrace to the game of basketball…and really, the decent people in general. In the past, he has thrown chairs onto the court during games, profusely berated officials on the sidelines (and sometimes out on the court), picked fights with media members, and was famously kicked out of the University of Indiana for choking players (which he apparently did frequently as investigators found out). Anyway, this latest incident involved him bringing his infant grandson up with him during the post-game conference where he fielded questions from reporters. The link has the video…but basically, while getting the usual questions being lowballed to him as always to avoid his stupid ass rants about how the media sucks, he basically just berated journalists. "Coach Knight, how do you think this win will help your team build momentum for the season?" "Who knows? I don't know any of that stuff. You guys read fairy tales on all that bullsh**!" He then started to talk to his grandson about handling the media and talking smack, while hiding behind his grandson. What a bitch!!! Stand like a man, at least.


"Coach Knight, some have called you a disgrace to the game of basketball and a horrible human being who the only reason he hasn't had his ass kicked is because it would be beneath even him…and basically what satisfaction can you get out of beating down a grumpy old man for being a grumpy old man. How do you respond to these allegations?" "Now who the hell said that?" "I believe I just did, coach. One more question, what the (bleep) are you going to do about it?" "How dare you swear in front of my grandson?" "Coach Knight, I hate to bring logic into this discussion…but you just did not thirty seconds ago. You know, for somebody who's always talking about building character in your players, you're really showing a lot of character by using profanity on national television and showing contempt for others." "Who the (bleep) are you? How dare you? You know nothing about me." "True, I know very little about you…and quite frankly, I don't want to get to know you. In fact, the only reason that I'm here right now…is because as part of my job, I'm forced to question you about the game. Much like how part of your job…is to answer my questions about the game. If you don't like it, then I suggest that you get a new job…or retire and spend time with your family if they're so important to you. Until then…how is your team preparing for next week's game against Texas A&M?" By this point, I suspect security would be escorting me out of the building…but it's about time the tables were turned on that crotchety prick.


The Fast & The Downright Pissed Off - Speaking of grumpy old men, an 85-year old man in Toronto had his car impounded by driving over 30 MPH over the speed limit (I'll spare you the mile to kilometer conversions) and new legislation geared to bring down the rampant problem of street racing there…which will soon be an even-worse sequel "The Fast & the Furious: Canucks in Trucks" coming this July…probably straight to DVD. When pulled over the man said that he was going to the bank and then doing some shopping…but they impounded his car. Funny, I seem to have the exact opposite problem here in the States, where the old men won't drive over 20 MPH…instead of being pulled over for going 100 MPH. Maybe it's that free health care. We should look into that.


Step One - Disney World has banned children…from its fanciest restaurant, Victoria & Albert's. It's their AAA rated five-diamond restaurant…and they're just banning children under the age of ten, which should be implied anyway…but then again, that's the reason there are warnings on waffle irons to keep genitals away when plugged in. Anyway, I see this as Step One of banning children from Disney World all together…as Walt Disney originally intended. Also, does anybody else think that it's odd to have a fancy restaurant at Disney World named after Prince Albert (namesake of a piece of metal through one's mansicle) and Queen Victoria (this was Victoria's Secret)? Is anybody also surprised that this paragraph was about Disney World, yet I mentioned privates on two separate occasions? Well, if that's surprising then you probably haven't read this blog much. Welcome!!!


Rock Bottom? - In Wisconsin, a man has been charged with felony burglary and faces up to 9.5 years in prison. Bail was set at $10,000 and the damning evidence was blood found on the window blind at the scene of the crime. What exactly was the crime? Stealing $20 out of two-year old's piggy bank while she slept. This is Ryan A. Mueller, the offender. Finally, somebody gets to go to jail for stealing out of piggy banks. Big brothers all over the globe should take notice.


This is Gonna Hurt…Twice - A Chicago tavern called Jake Melnick's Corner Tap said on Thursday it will begin selling chicken wings coated in one of the world's hottest peppers, a dish so hot that patrons first have to sign a waiver agreeing not to sue for injuries. Using Red Savina peppers, the wings come with an alarm bell to summon waiters prepared with sour cream, milk, sugar, and white bread if things get out of hand…but they will not repair the ulcers…or the possible irreversible damage done to one's sphincter upon exiting the digestive system. Some people will just put anything in their mouth. God bless those people!!!


Birthdays Today include the world's cutest news anchor Katie Couric, Sleep Number Bed enthusiast Nicolas Cage, danger zone adventurer Kenny Loggins, and everybody's favorite redheaded badass of a dick, David Caruso. Now for the quiz…without using Google or some other internet resource, can you put these four celebrities in order from youngest to oldest? (The correct answer will be in the Comments to check later)

A. Nicolas Cage

B. David Caruso

C. Katie Couric

D. Kenny Loggins

Anyway, that's about it for today. Have a great night!!! What's that? Oh yeah, sorry again about not having pictures today...but you'll get some soon. Pinky swear.