Westward Ho!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night, I saw the Ace Ventura movies on TBS. Why did I watch them on TV when I have them on DVD to pause at my leisure? Because I watched the first one...and there was a few, I assume, deleted scenes that I had never seen before that were thrown in...and quite hilarious. This is not the first time that this has happened. On Comedy Central, this happens all the time with one of my favorite movies of all time, "Booty Call" with Jamie Foxx & Vivica Fox (no relation). I assume it's because they have to cut out certain things for TV viewers from a ratings standpoint...but where are these deleted scenes on the special editions? I don't care if it causes the movie to drag...as long as it's funny. Anyway, I spent my night watching them...and flipping to some great cartoons On-Demand during the five-minute commercial breaks. What cartoons you ask? Oh you didn't? Well, I'm going to tell you anyway. Sorry. They were a few "Aqua Teen Hunger Force", "Frisky Dingo", and "Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law" episodes...and they were also hilarious. Thanks for the heads up, Mad Scientist!!!



Also in my personal life, I've been given a little info on the Blind Double Date (trust me, it was the only way we could convince her was her being blind) and she sounds awesome. Apparently, she talked with the Mad Scientist and his mate...and he thought, "You would be perfect for $teve" so now we see what he thinks of me as well as her. No pressure, Mad. I'm just playin', I'm sure it'll be a fun time. Also, my nephew Vinny gets to go home today for the first time. Apparently, he's doing very well and getting bigger by the day...so he'll be hitting the booby bottle every few hours and be exposed to his older sisters and all that the Real World has to offer...as foretold in the Prophecy.

Happy Birthday to the Smurfs - In Brussels, the start of the 50th birthday celebration has begun for everybody's favorite blue man group, the Smurfs. The television show launched them into fame in 1981 but they first showed up in comic strips in Europe in October 1958, illustrated by the late Peyo (Pierre Culliford) and were originally called Schtroumpf. How are they celebrating? Well, they started off with some Smurfberry cake and sasparilla juice yesterday (I wonder what's in a Smurfberry cake...) but later this year, they're also releasing a new 3-D animation feature film, new comic book collections, and a remastered rerelease of the 80's TV series...so keep your eye out for that. There are a few things that were never answered...and somewhat confusing about the Smurfs. For example, why is there only one female? Is she like a queen...and the Smurfs are insects? Or since they seem to take on the traits of their name, why didn't they have a Ninja Warrior Smurf to get rid of Gargomel? Why did Gargomel want to capture the Smurfs? Also, wouldn't their Smurf language be really confusing to use on an everyday basis. "Hey everybody! I just got smurfed!" "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that $teve Smurf. Did you see who smurfed you?" "No, not smurfed, smurfed. At work." "Jesus Smurfing Christ, it happened at your smurfing work?" "Of course. That's where everybody gets smurfed when they're smurfed." "Is that what they smurfed you? That's a load of smurf." "Okay, forget it. I got promoted at work." "What the smurf is 'promoted'?"

Formula 69 - From little blue men to little blue pills, last month French customs officials intercepted a shipment of nearly a quarter-million fake Viagra & Cialis anti-impotence pills...or Man Yeast pills, if you will. The value of these fake pills is approximately 2.4 million Euros (which I think at last conversion was eleventy-billion US dollars). The best thing about them...was their fake names, Powergra & Erectalis. Honestly, the first few times that I saw Cialis commercials, I had no idea what they were for. They had a bunch of old people looking at eachother...then watching TV...then they'd end up in separate bathtubs overlooking a cliff on the Pacific Coast. I thought it was some kind of legalized acid or something...or medicinal crack. If it's for impotence, then why are they in separate bathtubs...and outdoors staring. I'm as much an exhibitionist as there probably is (see dream from yesterday) but how was I supposed to know with that kind of imagery. You guys at Eli Lilly (company behind Cialis) could take a few hints from those Enzyte commercials. They're obvious (pending you like double entendres) and quite hilarious...though they do have a semi-creepy "Black Hole Sun" music video vibe to them. Anyway, I feel sorry for any of those guys that got the fake shipments. One of two things happened. They took them...and they didn't work. "Damn it. I don't know why it's not working. Am I gay? That's impossible. Then again...I do like Legends of the Fall..." Or they took them...and it worked...giving them a placebo and a new found boost of confidence in their wedding tackle. Hmm, interesting...sometimes all you need is a little confidence in yourself...to make big things happen. That's right. I start by talking about Man Yeast pills and end with an inspirational message.

They Have a Lot in Common...like DNA - According to a member of the British House of Lords (not associated with the Sith), a couple discovered after they were married that they were twins who had been split up at birth and adopted by separate families. British peer David Alton recounted this harrowing story to parliament last month. According to his research, they were separated at birth amongst political unrest in the commonwealth providince of Hong Kong. The son was raised by a family of ranchers in Scotland while the daughter was raised by a high ranking public official in Hong Kong...who later moved to London. Then one day, the son received a singing telegram sent by a young lady intended for a isolated hermit that he knew from a nearby clan named Ben. She seemed in trouble so he took the two messengers (a tall gay man & a short round Welshman) with him into the Northern Lochs...were attacked by the violent & gibberish speaking Lochpeople...and were luckily saved by Ben. Okay, for those of you who don't know...I'm basically turning those whole damn thing into a stupid Star Wars joke...and the punchline is their names were Luke & Leia (actually their names weren't disclosed...but that'd be hilarious). I'm just tired of writting it out. Yeah, the reason this was brought up before Parliament was in a hope to release records of birth parents to adopted individuals who want to know. We'll see if this new version of the Chewbacca Defense works out for them. Also, the Star Wars parody "Family Guy: Blue Harvest" came out this morning on DVD. Check it out.

I watched the new "3:10 to Yuma" the other day starring Russell Crowe & Christian Bale. Having seen the original a few years back (love the old westerns on AMC but I have a sneaking suspicion that Eastwood owns that station) so I kind of knew what to expect. There was a fair amount of action...and a lot of drama...but it was okay as far as Westerns go. Which leads me to my next Movie List...

Westerns - I've seen a bunch of spaghetti westerns in my day. Honestly, I don't remember many except a few John Wayne & Lee Marvin movies...but I do enjoy a few of them...but mostly the newer ones. Primarily because they're slightly more historically correct...and the action is great.

Medal Winners

Gold - Unforgiven (1991) - "And the Academy Award for Best Picture goes to...The Cut Whore Killers" What's in a name? Everything. Do you think that would have happened with the original working title of "The Cut Whore Killers"? More than likely not...but with a name like "Unforgiven" and a popular Metallica song released the same year with the same name...they won the Academy Award for Best Picture. This helped Clint Eastwood, who directed & starred in this movie, to do basically whatever the hell he wanted in the movie industry. Before, it was just directing westerns & starring in movies with orangutans...but now he can make "Mystic River", "Space Cowboys", "Million Dollar Baby", and "The Bridges of Madison County" where he has a sex scene. I know, that movie was so bad I thought it was directed by Uwe Boll too. However, "Unforgiven" also stars Gene Hackman & Morgan Freeman among others and its a classic. Check it out. I mean...it beat out "Terminator 2: Judgment Day" for Best Picture. James Cameron had to do a three-hour movie about a sinking ship to get his award.

Silver - Tombstone (1993) - Incredible movie that I'll gladly watch over & over again. Let's see. Who didn't star in this movie? That may be a little easier. Kurt Russell, Val Kilmer, Bill Paxton, Michael Biehn, Sam Elliott, Powers Boothe, Thomas Haden Church, Dana Delany, Jon Tenney, Dana Wheeler-Nicholson, John Corbett, Michael Rooker, Billy Bob Thornton, Jason Priestley, THE Billy Zane, and even Charlton Heston. Only truly great movies can have the starpower of Charlton Heston as a cameo. Ever heard of "Wayne's World 2"? "Gordon Street? Yes, I once knew a girl on Gordon Street...when I was a young man." Anyway, this movie is amazing. In fact, I would say ama-za-zing!!! If you ever want to see it, stop on by the Cooliseum and we'll watch the shootout at the O.K. Corral. It's like the "Young Guns" movies...but you're kinda rooting for the good guys...and still think the bad guys are cool.

Bronze - The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly (1966) - Clint Eastwood could have his own list as far as Westerns...but this was his greatest. Sure, "Outlaw Josey Wales", "Two Mules for Sister Sara", and countless others were great spaghetti westerns...but this was a masterpiece...and the soundtrack will haunt you to this very day. Epic film making meets the old west. Check out John Wayne's classics too. "The Cowboys" (1972) is among my favorites...but in his later years. Also check out "True Grit" and it's sequel "Rooster Cogburn."



Suggestion - Humorous side of the Old West - Not to be outdone by shootouts & rattlesnake stares, the Old West is also ripe for parody. My personal favorite is "Maverick" (1994) with Mel Gibson, James Garner, Jodie Foster, and Graham Greene...in a remake of the 50's TV series. There's also Mel Brooks' "Blazing Saddles" (1974), John Candy's last movie "Wagons East!" (1994) which is even good despite Richard Lewis being in it...and Chris Farley's last movie, "Almost Heroes (1998)" with Matthew Perry. Just a suggestion to Artie Lange, Horatio Sanz, Gabriel Iglesias, and any other plump comedian out there. Don't star in a Western. Just trust me on that one.

Flush It - American Outlaws (2001) - Have you ever wanted to put a movie as your Flush It, just so you could put a picture of Ali Larter in chaps...and then couldn't find any...but found something a whole lot better? I really don't have anything against this movie...starring Colin Farrell and other people as the James Younger gang...but yeah. Ali Larter's hot. It's not my favorite by any means...but I really couldn't think of a Western that I hated. Oh wait, I take that back. "Wild Wild West" was ridiculously awful. The Fresh Prince is a horrible cowboy. The movie was just incessently stupid throughout. I'm told it was a comedy. Kevin Kline was in it...so it had to be a comedy, right? Salma Hayek wears more clothing than a stylish eskimo. There's a giant robotic spider...and Will Smith as a bellydancer. Now, do you see why I put Ali Larter's picture up instead? "Jesus, that dancer's got a mustache. What is this? Mexico?"

Future Watch - Quentin Tarantino doing a Western? - It could happen. I think he's going to do a war movie, a live-action Duckman movie, and a fetish film first...but it's in the cards, I'm sure. Other than that, I may have to check out the Brad Pitt movie that just came out, "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford" or as I like to call it, "The Other Jesse James." My goodness, can you imagine what the sequel woudl be called? "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford II: The Investigation into the Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford...or was it Wild Bill Hickok on the Grassy Knoll...or Perhaps an Elaborate Suicide?" directed by Oliver Stone.



Anyway, that enough for today. I guess I'll be mozying on back to the ranch to take care of the cattle. By the way, did any of you know that they're going to start a "Lincoln" movie about Honest Abe...and Harrison Ford is going to be in it...as Vice President Andrew Johnson? No, well now you do. Guess who's playing Lincoln? Liam Neeson. Yes, anybody who has seen "Family Guy" and Liam Neeson try to do an American accent is crapping their pants in laughter right now...but I'm sure that he'll be great. They even have the Flying Nun herself, Sally Field playing Crazy Mary Todd Lincoln. Just so you're not surprised. Have a great night everybody!!!