Live from Slick City, It's Saturday Night

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night, I noticed a bit of an oddity concerning my iPod. I was looking through my index of some 3500 songs and realized something. The Top 3 Artists on my iPod with respect to number of songs are: Jay-Z, Nat King Cole, & Queen. The bronze medal holder just beat out artists like 50 Cent, Kanye West, the Beatles, Marvin Gaye, Eric Clapton, and Busta Rhymes...but still...can you think of a more interesting trio of musical personalities to have in the same room? I mean...possibly the leading symbols of Hip-Hop, 50's Jazz, and Glam Rock...together on my PIMP (Personal Interest Music Player). Anyway, I just thought that it was interesting...but I'm easily amused. Jigga, Nat, & Freddy. Weird. Speaking of weird, here's a picture from Nat & Jay-Z hanging out in the early 60's where there should be a caption saying "Okay jigga, how do I put up that diamond symbol again?" Anyway, here's the news. I have done nothing else of even remote interest yet today.

Basic Instinct 3 or Hostel 3? - In Beijing, a 19-year old Chinese student recorded the killing and dismembering of her married lover by her boyfriend. She, her boyfriend, and another male accomplice (cameraman?) had all been arrested after the killing last month. The 39-year old victim was a married manager at a local highway & building company and met the student as a hostess at a nightclub. According to the newspaper's report, the body was cut into "hundreds of pieces…both out of hatred and aimed at making the body unrecognizable." Truly creepy. There are a few lessons to be learned from this situation though. First & foremost, don't cheat on your wife…especially with a crazy chick that you found at a nightclub who then invited you back to her place…where her boyfriend & his buddy are laying down a tarp, setting up cameras, coordinating lighting, and sharpening various tools. Also, colleges in China aren't all they're cracked up to be…because apparently in rush of killing somebody, then trying to make them unrecognizable, they forgot about that pesky DNA evidence that can be traced back to the owner. I smell a new sexy psychotic thriller though. I don't know about the rest of you. How about this? Opening scene: A British businessman is relaxing after a long day at a respectable Thai gentleman's club. He and a particular dancer are getting exceptionally close…then an offer is made…at a price he can't refuse. Skip to hot, steamy, passionate orgy of blood & confusion in a dark room. The fatal slash then reveals the movie title - "Thai Down" or something like that. Maybe a continuation of the Basic Instinct movies. I don't know. Do with the idea what you will.

Snakes on a Plane 2 - Speaking of unnecessary sequels, in Vietnam, the government seized suspicious cargo on a flight from Bangkok…and it was over a TON of rat snakes. The really odd thing is that it's the second time in a month were freight had been seized. Last time it was roughly 1500 pounds of snake. "There is a great possibility that Vietnam is only a transit point of the cargo," it said, adding that the snakes were transferred to an animal caring station nearby. So…there's a market for these rat snakes? I guess they replace cats over there in Asia or something as far as rodent handlers so that cats can be used for…other things…whatever that may be. I'm not one to spread stereotypes. Oh, by the way, Vietnamese neighbors of mine ate my dog a few years ago. No joke. I'm sure this market for rat snakes is something completely different though…like the emerging Chinese fashion industry and it's glorious selection of fine snake-skin boots and matching purses.

I Know Who Killed Me Too - That's right, there's a theme. Good friend Lindsay Lohan will soon be working at a morgue as part of her punishment for misdemeanor drunken driving. She has already spent two months in rehab here in Utah and done other community service projects…but will work two four-hour days as part of a court-ordered program to show drivers the real-life consequences of drinking & driving. Not a bad idea really. She will also spend two days working in a hospital emergency room. Oh…and she was in jail for 84 minutes and 17 seconds. Anyway, we all wish Lindsay the best…and I'm a little torn…because I've seen that "I Know Who Killed Me" was almost unanimously the worst movie of 2007…but is it worth watching to see Lindsay strip? Anybody have an opinion on that? I figure if she's not returning my text messages anymore that I might as well see the goods. Also, Lindsay, I'm not feeling the blonde hair. It seems that ever since you let Paris Hilton do your hair, you've gone from sexy celebrity crazy to f**king bananas crazy cat lady crazy. Maybe the hair has something to do with it. Just a thought.

Home Alone 4 - In Mesa, Arizona, ninth-grader Michael Six locked himself in his bedroom, grabbed an aluminum baseball bat and hid in his closet and after seeing a man use a screwdriver to break open a sliding-glass door of his home. He then dialed police and was talking to a 911 operator when the intruder used the screwdriver to get into his room. As the burglar rummaged through Michael's backpack, Michael stepped out and swung the bat. The burglar cursed as Michael nailed him on the back and shoulder, and Michael can be heard on the 911 tape yelling, "Sorry, man!" The intruder managed to take the bat away from the boy and fled. Police later arrested the intruder. Nice weird little story for y'all. Michael Six is an interesting name too. I wonder if he has a hot sister named Seven of Nine. Mmm, I think that's the picture that I'm going to put with this post…as I'm sure you've already noticed. Is the new Star Trek movie going to star Jeri Ryan? Then it's not worth seeing in my humble opinion. Now, let's go with our next Movie List for the day…

Saturday Night Live Movies

Medal Winners

Gold - Wayne's World (1992-93) - "EXTREME CLOSEUP!!! WOOOOOOH!!! Party on, Wayne!!! Party on, Garth!!!" It has been proven that if you don't like this movie, then you no longer own your soul. This movie launched Mike Myers into superstardom…and gave Dana Carvey the ability to make "Master of Disguise" (don't waste your time). Also starring the likes of Tia Carrere, Rob Lowe, Christopher Walken, Lara Flynn Boyle, Brian Doyle-Murray (SNL alum Bill's brother), Kurt Fuller, and cameos from Chris Farley & Charlton Heston, this movie is great. Also, it has been tested…and proven to reduce MASSIVE amounts of stress if you're currently suffering from a Class 9 Emotional Meltdown. You're welcome, Mr. & Mrs. Wingman.

Silver - Blues Brothers (1980) - John Belushi, we hardly knew thee. Again, please stay away from drugs. Anyway, Mr. Belushi & Dan Aykroyd play brothers Jake & Elwood Blues who are "on a mission from God" to raise $5000 to save the church that they were raised in. In order to do so, they have to get the band back together…and embark on a wondrous musical journey where they run into the likes of Ray Charles, James Brown, Aretha Franklin, Carrie Fisher, John Candy, Frank Oz, Charles Napier, Chaka Khan, Paul Reubens, and many others. There are car chases, general wackiness, and best of all…SOUL!!! A must see…and the 1998 sequel with John Goodman replacing the late Belushi wasn't half bad…but it couldn't compare with the original.

Bronze - The Ladies Man (2000) - Honestly, this is just one of my favorite movies…for the simple fact that Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) is pretty much my alter ego of Dr. Mookie Tockenbaut Love. On his late night talk show, he basically listens to people's everyday problems…and offers his professional suggestions…sometimes with a colorful story from his trips to Asia…or as he refers to it "Freaky Deaky Sexworld" and then end it with a glass of Courvoisier. Let's see. Who else is in this movie? Will Ferrell, Eugene Levy, Karyn Parson, Julianne Moore, Tiffani Amber-Thiessen, Tamala Jones, and the man himself, Billie Dee "Lando Calrissian" Williams as the narrator. I like to think that if my life had a narrator (think "Stranger Than Fiction") that Billie Dee would be the voice. Maybe Isaac Hayes or something…but his slight Southern accent can be a little thick sometimes.

Suggestion - Night at the Roxbury (1998) - How lame am I? My brother & I will be in public…and because of our height, we'll be asked one of two questions. Either "Do you guys play basketball?" to which we'll reply "Do you play miniature golf?" or "Are you guys brothers?" to which we'll reply "Noooo. YEEEEES!!! AH, EVERY TIME!!!" Just watch this movie about the Butabi Brothers (Will Ferrell & Chris Kattan) and you'll understand where that joke is from…and how lame I truly am. Still not sold? How about cameos by Chazz Palminteri, Dan Hedaya, Loni Anderson, Colin Quinn, Molly Shannon (check out "Superstar" too), Richard Greico, and Eva Mendes (she's a bridesmaid). This movie does come with a warning though: Prepare to listen to Hadaway's "What is Love?" dance song for about 90 minutes. You may not mind…but then again, you might.

Flush It - It's Pat (1994) - Okay, this movie really isn't THAT bad…but it's based on the overlived skit where people were trying to figure out if a certain individual was either a man or a woman. (Real Life Spoiler: It's Julia Sweeney, female) but the reason it got my flush…and because I have an Aunt Pat who is eerily similar to this character…but only a few inches shorter than me…which adds another dimension to the mystery (that is until she bore a child in 1997…so after this movie was released). My favorite line in the whole movie though…is when Pat is sitting with Chris (its partner, played by Dave Foley) and Chris says "I love to stroke your pussy, Pat." "Yeah. I think Fluffy likes it too." Priceless. I haven't seen "Stuart Saves His Family" (1995) but…it's okay…because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!

Future Watch - The Continental (2010?) - Since SNL has pretty much sucked for over a decade, I'd just like to see Christopher Walken be the Continental for a few hours. That's about the only thing that I could think of…that and seeing SNL alumni like Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Mike Myers, and Will Ferrell make more movies. Big ups to Dennis Miller too. I'm always pleasantly surprised to see him on TV. How about "In Living Color" movies? Wouldn't anybody else like to see Jim Carrey in a "Fire Marshall Bill" movie? Damon Wayans in an "Anton Jackson" or "Homey D. Clown" movie? Jamie Foxx in a cross-dressing role in "Wanda"? Do you think that'd get him another Academy Award? J-Lo stars in "The Fly Girl"? Maybe the other Wayans in a non-Scary Movie? Actually Marlon's doing pretty good for himself at being an established actor and funny man. Anyway, just a thought…but it'll probably never happen.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Have a great evening everybody and I hope to see you at the party tonight!!!